My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

In Twilight’s library.

It is the middle of the night. Spike is resting peacefully.

Spike (dreaming, muttering): Yes… burn, Canterlot… burn to the ground… Sorry Moondancer… you were just a phase…

Suddenly, Twilight shakes Spike awake.

Twilight: SPIKE, SPIKE, WAKE UP, WAKE UP!!!

Spike: Ahhhh! Twilight, what is it?!

Twilight: The tower’s on fire, and we’re still trapped inside!

Spike: NO! It wasn’t supposed to happen this way! Help!

Spike runs for the door before gradually slowing down and turning back to Twilight.

Spike: Wait… we’re in the library… in Ponyville…

Twilight: Yep! One-hundred percent fire free! Unless someone tried to bomb the Planned Parenthood center again

Spike: Then, why would you…

Twilight: I heard you muttering, and you needed to learn your lesson, Spike. You know the fire dreams are forbidden!

Spike: What dreams AREN’T forbidden?! Just last week you-

Twilight: You’ll get no apology from me for interrupting the sex dream. I won’t have that filth in my tree.

Spike: I should be a growing boy, Twilight! I… probably still have hormones. And it’s been a LONG time since Moondancer.

Twilight: We’re in a LIBRARY, Spike. How hard can it be to get lucky?!

Spike: Right. So, is this all you woke me up for, or-

Twilight: No, Spike. It’s almost 3:23 in the morning. Do you know what that means?

Spike (after a pause): Add a colon and you’ve got a palindrome?

Twilight: Obviously not. It means the planets are in alignment! For the next forty-eight hours, tapping into universal energy will make magic spells extra potent.

Spike: So what do you need me for? Cheerleading wasn’t part of my contract.

Twilight: Oh, Spike, slaves don’t sign contracts. Besides, you’d look terrible in a skirt!

Spike: …it was an idiom.

Twilight: No, I need you to test a high-level spell on. The binding spell Celestia placed on you is ancient magic, indecipherable in the modern tongue. Nonetheless, I think I may be able to disable it.

Spike: Really?!

Twilight: Maybe. Like I said, this is high-level magic we’re dealing with. It will require my utmost concentration.

Spike: I’ll be quiet!

Spike grins in anticipation as Twilight charges a powerful spell. A tingling sensation washes over his entire body as Twilight touches her horn to his shoulder.

Twilight (panting): There. It worked.

Spike: It worked. It worked?!

Spike jumps into the air.

Spike: I’m free!

Spike resumes his beeline toward the front door.

Spike: So long, Twilight. I… I don’t really have a goodbye speech on such short notice. Just know I won’t miss you.

When Spike touches the front door, a jolt of electricity sends him flying backward, landing face-first on the ground next to Twilight.

Twilight: Excellent. The barrier spell works too!

Spike: Ughhh…

Twilight: Oh my, that’s a nasty bruise on your face. Here, I’ve got just the thing to cover it up!

Twilight casts another spell, and Spike sprouts a full, jet-black moustache.

Twilight: It’s like your first taste of puberty. Now let’s restore that binding spell…

My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

Episode 6: Boast Busterrs

The next day.

Twilight and Spike are walking through Ponyville.

Spike: Twenty-five, Twilight. Twenty-five different razors, and none of them could get this thing off my face.

Twilight: Moustache spells are deep magic. I’m sure it’ll fall off on its own once the planetary cycle draws to a close.

Spike: Two whole days of looking like a porn star…

Twilight: No one would watch dragon porn. Anyway, I’m just thrilled the spell worked. In such a short time, I’ve experimented with so many new kinds of magic!

Spike: Yeah, you’re dipping into everything. But I thought unicorns were only supposed to have a little magic that matches their special talents.

Twilight: True, for ponies whose talents are for menial skills like knitting clothes or playing music. But what if a unicorn’s special talent IS magic?

Spike: That Element really got to your head, huh?

Snails: Make way, coming through!

Snips and Snails careen into Twilight, sending all three ponies crashing to the ground.

Twilight: AHHHH! What are you creatures?! You’re… you’re horrible!

Snips: Yes, that is a valid reaction to beholding our visage.

Snails: Other acceptable reactions include projectile vomiting, seizure, instant-onset post-traumatic stress disorder, and suicide by cyanide.

Snips: Would you like a cyanide capsule? We keep them on us at all times as penance for our existence.

Twilight: Are you… ponies?!

Snails: In the loosest sense.

Snips: Our creator wished only for three sons, to love and cherish. Unable to conceive, she endeavored to create them. Her concoction was perfect, but for one crucial missing ingredient.

Snails: Two if you count Chemical X.

Snips: Without puppy dog tails, one perfect colt could not be engineered. Instead, my brother and I were born, each embodying one-third of a whole pony, stunted and disfigured, forever doomed to walk Equestria straddling the line between existence and the void.

Snails: Our minds do not comprehend life as yours do. Love, happiness, loss, notions of object permanence; these are but a few of the tentpoles of existence to which we can claim no grasp.

Spike: And I’m a slave. Life is tough.

Snips: The mustachioed one is correct. Our rambling explanations do little to justify the collision we instigated. We’ve heard tell of a new unicorn in town, setting up shop at the town square.

Twilight: A new unicorn?

Snails: We are to understand that she has greater magical powers than any other unicorn alive today. My brother and I are incapable of excitement… unless magic is involved.

Snips: Magic calls to us. We believe with all our hearts…

Snails: Sixty-six point six repeating percent of a heart.

Snips: …that our true purpose can be found through magic. We were careless in our haste, and for that we apologize. But we must proceed to the square, to witness for ourselves the glory of Ponyville’s new guest.

Snips and Snails run off.

Spike: Now I’ve seen everything.

Twilight (distraught): Greater magical powers? But… I’m the Element of Magic…