The Little Seapony

In a tall tree overlooking the entire town, Discord perched on a large branch, gazing through stolen binoculars, the lenses fixated on a certain pink mare. “I’m telling you, Pete, I just want to make sure this date runs smoothly,” Discord told a brightly colored green and blue parrot that was sitting on the smaller branch next to him. The bird gave him a dubious squawk. “I’m serious!” Discord insisted. “I mean, how am I supposed to help Candy if I don’t know how things went on her date? It’s not like she can exactly tell me what happened. Spying is my only option!”

Pete tilted his head and squawked again. “I know she wouldn’t be happy about it. I don’t care! Why should I care? She’s just a pony, after all.” Discord pouted as he fiddled with the focus on his binoculars. “Nothing’s happening anyway. They’ve been together all afternoon and Candy hasn’t made a single move on him. I mean, doesn’t she know anything about seduction? She used to be a seapony for Celestia’s sake! What about all those stories about seaponies seducing sailors to their deaths? Is that not a thing anymore? It should be a thing! Stupid mare!” he grumbled. “Adorableness will only get you so far, you know!” Discord’s eyes suddenly widened as he realized what he just said. He turned to the bird with a glare. “Don’t you dare tell Candy that I called her adorable! She’s gonna be annoying enough to live with as it is. No need to make her think I fancy her or something.” He harrumphed at the very thought and returned to his spying.

“Oh finally some action! A romantic picnic on the hill. That’s the way to do it! You go mare!” After a few moments Discord frowned again. “Never mind, they’re just talking. Come on Candy! Where is the cuddling? You’re on a picnic. You should be cuddling!” With an irritated groan, he put the binoculars down and started massaging his temples.

“This is getting ridiculous,” he said after a moment, turning to Pete. “At this rate she’s never going to get him to fall in love with her on time!” Pete merely lifted a wing and preened his feathers in response. “You’re right!” stated Discord. “I should help her! I might not know much about love, but I do know about seduction! By tomorrow morning, she’ll be a veritable changeling!” He grinned happily at his decision as he returned to his spying, only to frown and mutter a curse when he realized that the two ponies were no longer where he saw them last. “Where did they go?” he said to himself contemplatively. To his side, Pete gave an alarmed squawk and flew hurriedly away. Discord turned to him with a confused look. “What got into him?” he wondered aloud.

Next to him, Pinkie shrugged, making Discord nearly jump out of his skin at the sudden sight of her. Although he did not succeed in jumping out of his skin, he did manage to fall off of the branch he had been sitting on. He landed face first on the ground far below, but not before hitting several branches on the way down.

“Heflo canfdy,” Discord greeted, his voice partially muffled by the ground. “Did yfoiu hafe a nice bate?” Pinkie giggled.

Half an hour later, Pinkie sat across from Discord on the floor of the cave. As he nursed his throbbing head with a bag of ice, he tried to instruct her on the subtle and ancient art of seduction. “Now if you want a pony to fall in love with you, you need to make sure you’re giving the right body cues,” he told her. “This is especially important for you, since, you know, you can’t talk and just tell Chester or whatever his name is that you want to marry him and have his foals.” Pinkie blushed at that last comment, but Discord didn’t seem to notice or care.

He continued, “You have to make sure he knows you’re interested. One way of doing this is to constantly be near him. If he is going to go do something, offer to follow him. If he is sitting or standing in a particular area, sit or stand as close to him as possible. This will let him know that you want to be near him. Stallions have huge egos. Make him feel witty by laughing at every stupid joke he tells, even if it isn’t funny. You shouldn’t have too much trouble with that one, my dear. ” He gave her head a patronizing pat. “You laugh at practically everything anyway.” Pinkie merely grinned at what she took to be a great compliment. She had only just learned how to laugh, and she was already practically an expert on it!

“Now this part,” Discord continued, bending down to her level so he could look at her directly in the eye. “This part is the most important! When the time is right, (and you’ll be able to tell, trust me) look up at him through those long black eyelashes of yours, lick your lips, pucker them slightly, just enough so that his gaze is drawn to them.” Discord, still wearing the overly large bag of ice on his head, puckered his lips exaggeratedly, slowly fluttered his eyelashes, while folding his claws outstretched to the side in a look of complete adoration. Pinkie stifled a snicker at the complete ridiculousness of it. “Like this!” he said. “And then lean into him for a deep passionate kiss.” Leaning into Pinkie, he made kissing noises right in her face, making her really giggle this time. He grinned. It was nice to have somepony else laugh at his antics again. “If you do this, I promise he’ll be in love with you by midnight tomorrow!”

He straightened and positioned himself so that Pinkie was right in front of him. “Alright, now it’s your turn to try! I want you to pretend that I’m Cheddar Sauce and you’ve been following me around all day, laughing at my terrible jokes, and everything, and now you want to kiss me. What do you do?” Pinkie gulped nervously. She wasn’t used to being this forward, but she supposed she would have to get used to it if she wanted to get Cheese Sandwich to fall in love with her on time. Discord made this very clear to her on their way home. Cheese Sandwich was not the type of pony to make the first move. She would have to be the one to do it.

This was just practice, after all, she reminded herself. And Discord wasn’t even a pony! She could do this. Even as she thought this, however, she couldn’t help but notice her heart doing an odd fluttery thing at the sight of Discord waiting for her to begin. Taking a deep breath, she leaned into him, puckered up her lips and -

“Woah! Woah! Woah!” Discord nearly shouted, stopping her with his claw in her face. “You can’t just go straight in for the kiss! What did I tell you? You have to work up to it! Understand?” Pinkie nodded, and he lowered his claw. “Alright. Now let’s try this again.” Pinkie hesitated for a moment, as she tried to remember all of the thing’s Discord had told her. Trembling ever so slightly with nerves, she stepped nearer to him, looking up at him innocently with her eyes.

Staring into those orbs of bluest blue, Discord felt his heart do the most peculiar thing; it began to speed up. He ignored it, chalking it up to a delayed side effect of falling out of the tree earlier. Yeah, that had to be it, he thought. As he tried to sort his thoughts, Pinkie licked her lips, making them glisten with moisture as she puckered them just enough to make them look full, pouty, and although Discord would never admit it, utterly kissable. Despite the ice pack on his head, he felt unusually warm as she leaned into him and closed her eyes. Just before her lips reached him, he quickly slid out of the way, causing Pinkie to lean too far and fall flat on her face.

“Ah..um...er, g-good job, Candy,” he stammered, flustered. Pinkie lifted herself off the floor and frowned at him, confused by his reaction. “That was...um...passable,” he said lamely, trying to recover himself. “Not good enough to seduce somepony of my caliber, of course!” he insisted, just a tad bit too forcefully. “But for curlytop, it’ll be just fine!” An uncomfortable silence followed as Pinkie looked at Discord, and Discord looked at everything but Pinkie. “Yes, well,” he said finally with an awkward cough. “Time for bed, there’s some blankets in the cupboard, you can sleep on the couch.” He gestured vaguely where the gaudy couch and wooden cupboard were, as he turned and walked towards his bed in the opposite direction. “Don’t bother me until at least noon tomorrow! I like to sleep in.”

Pinkie watched him until he reached his bed, wondering why he was acting so strange. He said she was passable, so she doubted the experience could have been that bad for him. What was he freaking out about? Not able to think of an answer to her query, she shrugged it off and went to find some blankets. As for Discord, he simply pulled his garish orange and purple blanket over his head and tried to not think about the pink pony on the other side of the cavern.

Hours later, Pinkie stared at the ceiling wide awake, unable to sleep. She had tried very, very hard, but it seemed as if the harder she tried, the more sleep eluded her. She sighed. She knew exactly why she couldn’t sleep. Since she was a little seafilly, Pinkie had always hated sleeping alone. She hated the echoing silence and the inky blackness of night. Aquastria may have been gloomy during the day, but at night it was absolutely miserable. Pinkie couldn’t stand the suffocating silent sadness the night bestowed upon the kingdom, so every night she crawled into bed with her big sister sister Maud. Maud, although seemingly cold and terse to most seaponies, was actually the sweetest, kindest seapony she had ever known. She always knew just what to say to comfort Pinkie, or when it was best to not say anything at all and just give Pinkie a hug. Tonight, alone in a world she didn’t understand, Pinkie really missed her sister. She looked over at Discord’s bed where he was sleeping peacefully. Maybe he wouldn’t mind if…

Discord had just fallen asleep when he felt eyes on him. Not literally, of course. That would be ridiculous. Unless they were his own eyes. That would be hilarious. But alas! He was still powerless, and unable to take his eyeballs out without excruciating amounts of pain. He knew. He tried. No, what he felt had been somepony’s eyes metaphorically on him. He knew exactly to whom those eyes belonged to too, and it was the last pony he wanted to see at the moment. He tried to ignore it and go back to sleep, but the feeling scratched and hissed at him until he couldn’t help but look around. A small pink earth pony stared up at him with big, adorable blue eyes.

“What is it Candy? I’m trying to sleep!” Discord spat, ignoring the sudden feeling of embarrassment the sight of the pony evoked. Pinkie replied by making her eyes larger and more watery. She pawed at the bed, pleadingly. “What? No! You can’t sleep with me!” he nearly shouted. “I forbid it! You just run along back to your little couch.”

Pinkie’s lower lip quivered. “I said no!” Discord insisted. Somehow, Pinkie made her eyes look even more pathetic. Discord groaned. He was so going to regret this. “Fine. You can sleep with me. But you are to sleep at the foot of the bed and stay there! Understand?” Immediately, Pinkie’s face broke into a huge grin, all trace of unhappiness gone as she jumped up onto the bed. Discord watched as she nestled into the blankets at the foot of the bed. She yawned sleepily. Satisfied that she was going to do as she was told, Discord gruffly turned away from her  and tried to go back to sleep.

However, after only a few moments, he felt something fluffy wiggle into the covers next to him. “Candy, I thought I told you to –“ Pinkie snuggled in closer to him and heaved a relieved sigh, closing her eyes and smiling happily. Discord blinked once, stunned into silence by the unexpected onslaught of cute, and then let out an exasperated sigh. “I give up.” He put an arm around her and held her like a plushie. “Just don’t get used to this. This isn’t going to become a thing. Tomorrow you sleep on the couch!” Pinkie giggled silently, just happy to no longer be alone.

Although he would never admit it, Discord thought it felt kind of nice holding her like this. She was soft, warm, and for some odd reason smelled like a royal Canterlot bakery. It made him think of his childhood growing up in the castle with Tia and Lulu, so very long ago. He had always loved sweets, and Celestia had a soft spot for cake as a filly, so the trio spent a great deal of time in the royal bakery, pulling pranks and making general nuisances of themselves. At times, a prank Discord would pull would go too far, but a simple slice of cake to Tia or a box of chocolates to Lulu always seemed to fix the problem. It was a simpler time, when none of them had been bound by the tight regulations and guidelines that being the rulers of a whole country of ponies required of them. After Celestia and Luna became the ruling Princesses, they became more and more serious and orderly, while Discord became more and more chaotic. Although Discord did not regret any of the things he had done, he sometimes wished they could go back to that time where a simple dessert could solve every disagreement and hurt feeling. Holding Pinkie tightly in his arms, breathing in her sweet scent, he felt his body relax as he thought of delectable fine chocolates, cupcakes covered in buttercream frosting, and the laughter of three little foals. Eventually, both he and Pinkie drifted off into a deep sleep.