Launch the Ships. All of them!
Voyage to the Center of the Shipfic Folder
It all began with a young mare named Twilight Sparkle.
Perhaps you’ve heard of her? You must have. Twilight Sparkle is the clever young unicorn who became the Princess of Friendship and battled the terrible menace of Tirek. That is a story well known – or it should be well known anyway – but this is a tale before young Twilight won her wings. This is a story about an inquisitive young mare’s quest for true love, and as we all know, love can oft be found in the most curious and unexpected of places!
One thing to keep in mind is that Twilight Sparkle is a mare who loves knowledge. She could often be found uncovering some new ancient secret or another. It was in that spirit that Twilight found herself Alone in the Woods, searching for the mythical Speckled Green Mushroom of Fate. It was a mushroom rumored to be able to grant anypony who ate it a second life after death. Snips and Snails had been quite adamant that they had found it while searching for new monsters to flee from in the Everfree Forest.
Unfortunately, Twilight Sparkle was not a pony well known for her sense of direction and her bargain basement map had been purchased from the Royal Cartography Institute and may or may not have been centuries out of date. Actually, not to dissemble: it was totally out of date, and when night fell, the clever young unicorn found herself equally totally lost.
Luckily, she happened across a cabin in the woods.
“Oh my gosh! I’m sorry!” Twilight exclaimed, having opened the door to the cabin without checking for occupants. There, by the light of a flickering fire, was the last pony – or creature, rather – that Twilight had expected to encounter.
“You’re Iron Will, right?” she asked, recognizing the minotaur. She had seen and heard of the big bull before, but always with his little black tie on.
Without his tie…
Twilight felt her cheeks flush. How had she not noticed the way his muscles rippled beneath his little black tie? How had Fluttershy failed to mention it? He was positively Shining Armor-like. The minotaur was even her handsome brother’s shade of blue… if you squinted your eyes a little. Never once had she thought she would have such feelings towards a non-pony.
“You’ll have to excuse Iron Will!” the burly minotaur roared, holding his tie up to the fireplace. “I was doing assertiveness training in the mountains but my tie got soaked crossing the river!”
Twilight thought briefly about telling him, ‘I don’t mind the view’ but instead managed to regain enough of her wits to explain her situation.
“…and I can’t seem to find my way back to Ponyville,” she finished, by then also sitting by the fire as night fell. “You wouldn’t mind sharing this cabin with me, would you?”
“If a pony needs to get dryer, a true man shares his fire!” Iron Will proclaimed, flexing his powerful biceps.
A timberwolf howled somewhere in the woods, and Twilight inadvertently shied up against Iron Will’s muscular form. They shared the fire that night… and much more besides.
But what Twilight didn’t know, was that there was another mare thinking of Iron Will that night...
“Granny?” Apple Bloom rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, surprised to see the matriarch of the family up so late. “What’re you doin’ still up?”
“Hm? Errh?” Granny muttered, cupping her ear with a withered old hoof. She was out of her rocking chair and sitting by the window, looking up at the moon and the starry sky. “What?”
“Oh, Granny. You really should get some sleep!” Apple Bloom said, cup-of-water in hoof as she trotted back up to her room to get some rest of her own.
“Erh. Sleep. Sure thing, dear,” Granny replied, watching her granddaughter leave the living room.
What was she doing up so late?
What was she doing… pretending things could go back to the way they were? It was far too late to turn back. In the sky, she saw the same star-lit signs she had when she was young. Thinking about the arcane unicorn ritual she had interrupted, so many years ago, Granny Smith reached for her favorite red bow-tie. She kept it in a drawer locked with a small iron key.
Fashioning it around her throat, she felt the change begin to take hold.
In a flash of light, she emerged transformed! Gone were her wrinkles and sagging skin. Gone were her rickety old hips and weak knees! In place of it all was a new Granny Smith: the old Granny Smith! Young and Hot Granny Smith! The belle of the ball and the sexiest mare in Ponyville!
With the transformation came the old familiar hunger, and the old familiar libido, but the years had soured Granny Smith on simple stallions. And then there was the matter of The Sign. It had been said that her youth would be forever restored, if she stole the heart of the Minotaur With Iron Will.
Granny knew he had to be hers.
It was prophecy!
But as Young and Hot Granny Smith made her way out into the cool night air to hunt for her minotaur lover, she caught sight of somepony – or something – she had never expected to see again. He stood fearlessly on the patio of the Apple Family farm, as if he had been waiting for her. Perhaps he had. He had always been a patient one.
“…” Tom rumbled.
“That was a long time ago,” Granny reminded him, turning away from her former beau. “We were Trapped on a Balcony… things became heated. We both agreed to see other ponies!”
“…”
“You can’t just roll into my life again like this!” Granny had to keep from yelling, keep from waking up her family. They could never know. Not about her power, not about her fated union, and certainly not about Tom.
“…”
“Your sweet talk won’t work--”
“…”
“I told you no!” Granny found herself in Tom’s embrace, batting at his rock-hard rockiness with half-hearted hooves. “I’m destined for another!”
“…”
“Damn you. Damn you,” Young and Hot Granny Smith murmured, her lips capturing Tom’s smooth quartz surface. “Just this one more time,” she vowed, rolling him off the patio and into the bushes. Just like the Good Book said: Go Forth and Multiply. With rocks. +1
The following morning, Twilight Sparkle awoke expecting to find Iron Will curled up next to her. But her first and most muscular of lovers was mysteriously gone. Confused and a little hurt by the sudden vacancy, she quietly roused herself from her makeshift bed. It was morning in the Everfree and Celestia’s sun was streaming in from an old but functional window in the cabin.
Spurred on by a strange feeling, Twilight snuck closer to the window, seeing a strange shape: one she hadn’t expected to see so far from Ponyville.
It was Applejack!
Except, there was something unusual about this Applejack. She had her trademark stetson hat and all, but when did she start carrying around some sort of pony-portable hand cannon? Twilight watched quietly, knowing something strange was involved. She saw Applejack fiddle with the strange, thin cannon and take aim at a series of apples resting on a tree stump.
CRAK!
One of the apples exploded!
“I’ll only get one shot... ah can’t afford ta miss. Aw, shucks, that probably woke up Twi,” she realized, hitting her forehead with her hoof. “Better get mah disguise back on.”
Reaching up to her hat, she pressed some sort of trigger… and turned into Iron Will!
“What do I do?” Twilight whispered to herself, ducking out of sight. This strange Sharpshooter Applejack was somehow disguised as Iron Will. Had she replaced him, or had Iron Will been Applejack all along? Was this even the Applejack she knew? Who had she been with last night?
“Twilight?” Iron Will’s voice came from outside.
Tears in her eyes, stung by betrayal, wounded by the Sadness +1 of her first love, Twilight Sparkle galloped to the back of the cabin and fled into the woods.
By the time Twilight got back to Ponyville, minus the magical mushroom she had been looking for and plus a number of unanswered questions, she was beyond tired. Was it possible that her affair in the woods had just been some crazy dream? The simple charms of Ponyville were a welcome relief to the mare as she saw the silhouette of her library home in the town skyline. She was home.
“Twilight, thank goodness you’re back!” Spike cried upon seeing her.
“Spike?” Twilight inquired, confused by his behavior. Wasn’t he happy to see her? The little dragon was in a panic, waving his arms frantically. “What’s wrong?”
“I asked her to leave, but she insisted!” he said, and pointed towards the library… where a cloaked pony had surrounded herself with books.
“Who are you?” Twilight demanded. “What are you doing in my home? The library is closed--”
“Twilight Sparkle,” the mare said as she turned around, revealing a familiar face. “Trixie needs your help. There is a crime wave in Ponyville, and only we can put a stop to it!”
“What do you mean we?” Twilight asked, indignant at the sudden suggestion.
“By we, we mean Trixie and you, Twilight Sparkle,” Trixie explained, “Also known as us.”
“I know what ‘we’ means!” Twilight yelled at the infuriating showmare.
“Then why did you ask Trixie what it meant!?” Trixie yelled back.
Twilight sighed and lowered her head in defeat. “Okay. Just start from the beginning… why did you look for me, anyway?”
“Trixie knows you are the Mysterious Mare-do-Well,” the cloaked magician said, and Twilight groaned. “We are facing a most nefarious criminal with a most insidious criminal mind, whose plans are most perfidious! He or she will not hesitate to threaten our loved ones!”
“You have loved ones?”
“Trixie has them!”
She coughed, clearing her throat.
“Anyway,” Trixie continued, “to protect our loved ones and fans, of which Trixie has… something on the order of hundreds, no, thousands! To protect all those ponies, we must conceal our identities.”
“You just said that you know I’m Mare-do-Well,” Twilight pointed out. “It isn’t much of a secret identity then, now is it?”
“Trixie only knows that because Trixie is a genius, in addition to being Great and Powerful. It is all here on Trixie’s business card…” She magically plucked a card from out of her hat, beneath her cloak, and gave it over. Sure enough, it said: “Great and Powerful Trixie (certified genius).”
“Congratulations.”
“Thank you.”
“We must Fight Crime!”
“And I will narrate!” Spike jumped in.
“What’s this pony stealing, anyway?”
“Books.”
“…I’m in.”
Shaking hooves and devoting themselves to justice and sisterhood from that point on, Twilight Sparkle and the Great and Powerful Trixie (certified genius) became MISS MARE-DO-WELL (due to copyright) and SHAZ@M (again, due to copyright). And their battle against the insidious villain PAPERBACK was the stuff of legend and song.
It was during the Crimson Calendar Caper (see Issue #405 faithful readers – Stupendous Spike), deep undercover, when the two mares fell in love.
At least they bumped boots, anyway.
But then, one day, while fighting the indefatigable SCHOOLMASTER, the incomparable SHAZ@M ended up trapped in the villain’s classroom Detention. Already there was the innocent Vinyl Scratch, also known as DJ PON3. The spiteful SCHOOLMASTER had captured the musician, annoyed by her free-thinking and upbeat remixes.
“I don’t want to do this!” The evil SCHOOLMASTER declared, cracking her whip against her thigh. Once the fair and marginally attractive Cheerilee, she had been the victim of a tragic radioactive Eraser Dust Cloud, unlocking the power-mad disciplinarian within and giving her incredible and poorly defined superpowers.
“No, it didn’t,” the SCHOOLMASTER lied. “Please just get me out of here!”
“Stop right there, Schoolmaster!” Twilight Sparkle, also known as MISS MARE-DO-WELL crashed in through the window. “Your calamitous crimes end today!”
She teleported forward, her hoof of great justice connecting with the SCHOOLTEACHER’s hateful jaw with an audible and visible POW! The two then vanished in a flash to continue their epic struggle elsewhere.
“If only Trixie could help!” the mare wailed, trapped in the tight confines of her desk… and the equally tight confines of her schoolgirl outfit. “But this desk and these clothes are so tight, I’d don’t dare transform into the Incredible SHAZ@M!”
“Maybe I can help!” Vinyl said, worming her way out of her desk. “Just a little more and…! Yeah!” She burst out of the desk and struck a pose in midair. “I’m FREE!”
“Quick!” Trixie yelled. “Get me loose!”
“Sure thing!” Vinyl Scratch jumped over and started to help Trixie wiggle free. The both of them were in tight schoolgirl outfits, though, and it was hard to move. It was even harder to move without naughtily flipping their plaid skirts or stretching their tight white tops. The sexual energy in the room could be cut with a knife, say, if it were wielded by the Uncanny KNIFEGUY (now available in stores).
Trixie’s voice was breathy as they crushed together. “Vinyl…”
“Trixie…” Vinyl whispered, staring into her eyes.
“Great and Powerful Trixie,” Trixie corrected her.
Vinyl sighed.
MEANWHILE
“I’ve finally got you where I want you, Miss Mare-do-Well!” The malevolent SCHOOLMASTER declared, standing over the stunned hero.
“That’s what you think!” Mare-do-Well crossed her hooves together and made a series of arcane gestures. “You’re forgetting that I absorbed the power of ERIS! (see Issues #302-308 and the Eris Attacks! Miniseries) Now all I have to do is channel THAT power through THIS de-powered Alicorn Amulet!”
Improbably using powers never before demonstrated, the incomparable MARE-DO-WELL unleashed a mighty ERIS-BLAST that knocked the depraved SCHOOLMASTER into the air. Little did she know the affect it would have, however!
For when the dust cleared, the guise of Cheerilee and the SCHOOLMASTER was gone…
Revealing Queen Chrysalis!
“How did I get here?” the changeling wondered. “Wait: was I Cheerilee this whole time?”
“Queen Chrysalis!” Twilight yelled, shedding her Mare-do-Well disguise. “What are you doing here? You’ve got a lot of nerve showing up again!”
“Chrysalis?” the changeling queen asked, looking back and forth. She quickly erupted in fire. “No! The, uh, chaotic energy… transformed me into Chrysalis… I’m actually Shining Armor! Your brother!”
From out of the green fire emerged a studly stallion himself. Shining Armor!
“Good enough for me,” Twilight decided, grabbing the supposed-stallion with her magic and dragging him up close, nose-to-nose. “But if you are my brother, you’ll remember our secret hoof-shake.”
“Your what?” Chrysalis Shining Armor asked, and then coughed into her his hoof. “Oh yeah! That! Twilie! I totally remember it!”
Twilight brought him closer, and closer, until he began to sweat nervously.
“Good,” she purred. “Because if you really were Queen Chrysalis, and not my dear brother, then things might get really uncomfortable. For you.”
“I’m already kind of uncomfortable.”
“Why?” Twilight asked, looming over the shaking changeling stallion. “We’re just really close, really great, super bestest siblings. It Isn’t Creepy.” +2
“We have very different definitions of creepy.”
And so, all across the land, Celestia’s unicorns discovered new love, just like in the halcyon days of Queen Platinum’s Court (of Passion). +2
On the Apple Family Farm, meanwhile, Young and Hot Granny Smith found herself sneaking out of the house more and more often. She told herself that it wasn’t her fault, not really. The mad urges that compelled her could only be quelled when she found her destined one: the Minotaur of Iron Will. Or so she was certain the ancient unicorn translations had been, way back when she had first disrupted that forbidden ritual.
Only one thing was certain, that until she quelled the lusts within her, anypony could fall victim.
One, in particular, appeared to be vulnerable, despite both their efforts to the contrary.
Big Macintosh was Granny’s beloved grandson, the stalwart, soft-spoken and soft-hearted pillar of their home and farm. Even when little Applejack had left to try and find herself in the big city among her cousins the Oranges, Big Mac had stayed to tend to the farm. He and Granny had grown close over those years, as he struggled to tend to the farm himself and raise little Apple Bloom.
“We can’t do this anymore,” Granny implored him, as he snuck out around the back of the barn to greet her. “You don’t know…. can’t know… who I really am.”
“Enope.”
Big Macintosh had said many times, most eloquently, that he didn’t care who she was: just that she was his. His mysterious, passionate, nighttime lover. He crushed Young and Hot Granny Smith in his mighty forelegs.
“I Wish I Knew How To Quit You…!” Granny lamented, melting in his embrace. “But I can’t! Princesses help me, I just can’t!”
“Eyup.”
Thankfully, Applejack was unaware of the forbidden tryst taking place in the steamy Sweet Apple nights. Honest AJ lived her life just like every other day, oblivious to the perverted goings-on in the family barn. And in the family tool shed. Also behind the family granary. And sometimes on her bed. And one time in Apple Bloom’s room. Yikes.
But Applejack had problems of her own to deal with!
It was cider season, and the farm had produced a mighty crop. Of course, cider production was an exhausting and tiring job, and ever since Flim and Flam, certain annoying ponies had gotten it in their heads to try and micro-brew their own cider and sell it in town. Normally, Applejack would let the Sweet Apple Acres product speak for itself, but, thinking it was better safe than sorry, she had looked into certain alternatives.
One was ‘extra fizzy’ cider.
Seeking to give the cider a little extra pep, and maybe some zing as well, she had hit on the idea of making it bubbly and carbonated, like the sarsaparilla Pinkie liked so much.
“Essence of Sassafras,” the salespony had called it.
It certainly looked bubbly!
Upending the vial into the barrel of cider, Applejack fixed the lid back on, gave it a good shake or three, and waited a minute for it to settle. It was a hot day, uncomfortably hot really, and a drink of cider sounded just perfect, even if it wasn’t part of a taste-test. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she opened the tap on the barrel and let the frothy, bubbly cider fill up a stein.
“Alright, let’s try this out,” she said to herself. “Bottoms up!”
Chugging the stein in one long go, Applejack breathed a contented sigh of relief and delight. “Aaaah!” It was delicious! Ponies were going to go nuts for this stuff!
Deciding to take a brief nap under a shady tree to celebrate, Applejack dipped her hat over her eyes and fell into a drowsy mid-day doze. She dreamed, perhaps unsurprisingly, of apples. Green apples and red apples and zap apples and even golden yellow apples. It was one crazy dream, but not a bad one. Not until a white apple appeared and started to sow discord among the other apples. For some reason, Applejack really found herself wanting to buck that white apple. Take that as you will.
She woke slowly, as the edge of her hat slowly lifted.
“Hold it right there, partner,” a familiar voice drawled, the barrel of some sort of thin cannon-thing pointed down at her face. It was what had lifted the edge of her Stetson.
“Who are…?” Applejack gasped, backing up against the tree until she couldn’t back up any more. “Who are you?”
“I think the biggest question is who are you?” The rifle-wielding Applejack asked, narrowing her eyes. “What are you doing here in Sweet Apple Acres? Who do you work for?”
“Hey now, partner,” Applejack replied, but something seemed odd about her voice. “I happen to live here! And I don’t work for anypony but myself!”
It was around that time Applejack glanced down at her body, noticed that it was rather larger and bulkier than it should have been, and that there were certain substitutions down below. Well. That happened.
“I’m a stallion,” she realized, deadpan.
“You are at that,” the other still-female Applejack agreed, her green eyes dipping down for just a second. “Wrong Spell?”
“Wrong Spell,” Apple-Jack confirmed.
“Mixed with the cider?”
“Mixed with the cider.”
“Now I remember this,” the heavily armed Applejack said, raising her cannon-thing and pointing it safely upward. She had a hungry look in her eyes. “And I remember what came next, too.”
“Ahh….” The male Applejack drawled, not quite putting two and two together. “What does that m-- HOLY HORSEFEATHERS!”
Big Macintosh had been checking the back acres of the farm when he heard a cry. It almost sounded like Applejack! Always a stallion of action, he quickly broke into a gallop. It sounded like his poor little sister was in danger! Was it another timberwolf attack? Mac wasn’t sure he could do all that much to help if it was, but he was determined to try. Even if all he could do was to land in a solid kick or two.
“Sis!” he yelled, noticing a tousle underway beneath a tree.
Apples were falling from the branches above while Applejack struggled with another pony that looked almost like Caramel. He had that sort of color, anyway. Applejack’s back was to the tree, and it looked like the other guy really had her at a disadvantage and--
And they were screwing each other’s brains out.
“…” Big Mac let his silence speak for him as he slowed to a stop. They were At It Again, were they? Honestly, what his sister saw in Caramel, he couldn’t understand.
“Big Mac!” Apple-jack cried out when he saw him.
“Big Mac!” Applejack cried out as she saw him. “Is that really you?”
“Uh… eyup,” he answered, rather warily. “Who--”
“It’s been so long!” Applejack managed to disentangle herself from her fellow and gallop over to wrap him in a rather messy hug.
“It has?”
“It sure has,” Applejack replied, “Wanna join the fun, partner?”
Big Macintosh eyed the fella Applejack had brought to the farm. He wasn’t Caramel, but…
“Eyup.”
Twilight inhaled the cool air. It was a hot day, and how better to spend a hot day than at The Beach? Everypony was there in their sexiest bathing suits: Twilight in her own purple number, Trixie in stark pearl white, close by Vinyl Scratch who sported a neon blue two-piece. Twilight knew the DJ had come with Trixie, but found she didn’t mind that much. Whenever Trixie started to drone on, all Twilight had to do was swap places with the poor musician. She didn’t know how to teleport and couldn’t get away.
Of course, /Chrysalis/ Shining Armor was there, too, wearing the tight blue speedo Twilight had bought for her Best Big Brother Friend Forever. For some reason, he looked very uncomfortable in it. Not that that mattered. He acted uncomfortable about lots of little things. Like the leash for example.
The Apple Clan was at the beach, too!
There was Applejack, of course, and her new coltfriend, Apple-Jack. Young and Hot Granny Smith was present in a rather risqué bathing suit… by last century’s standards. She seemed to be trying to convince a lifeguard nearby to let her set up a diving board. A huge rock had also somehow ended up at the beach by the lake, Twilight wasn’t sure how… or why it was wearing a large pair of sunglasses. Then there was Big Mac in bright pink swim-trunks, also hanging close by either Granny or Apple-Jack. The whole Apple Family just seemed really tightly knit lately.
Everypony except Apple Bloom, who just kept shivering in the water, muttering, “The things ah’ve seen…”
Hopefully Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle could cheer her up. Or wipe out her memory. Either one. Basically, the whole gang was there. All Twilight’s best friends: Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and Derpy.
And then there were the usual background ponies: Lyra, Bon-Bon, another Lyra, another Bon-Bon, Bulk Biceps, Applejack…
“Hey!” Applejack objected. “I ain’t no background pony, darn it! Ah got a contract and everythin’!”
“Another Applejack?” Twilight asked, looking between the background pony – Former! Former background pony, darn it! – and the other Applejack in her swimsuit.
“Eyup!” Big Mac suddenly appeared behind the startled Background Applejack. He lowered his head and began pushing her over to the Apple side of the beach.
“I’ll take care of her,” the big red stallion assured the confused onlookers.
Everypony breathed a sigh of relief.
Background Applejack was in good hooves.
[I do believe we’ve entered Big Macest territory]
Twilight was still trying to process this new arrival, when Shining Armor coughed into his hoof.
“Twilie, I’m sorry!” he cried, “there’s something you have to know about me!”
“Gasp!” Twilight gasped. “What’s wrong, Shiney?”
“Shiney?” Shining shivered for a moment. “Anyway! The startling truth is that I’m not actually Shining Armor! Shining Armor was just a mask… I used a spell and I pretended to be him to get close to you! Can you ever forgive me?”
“Gasp!” Twilight gasped again.
“Gasp!” Trixie also gasped, just to not be left out.
“Stop that,” Twilight grumbled at her, and went back to her beloved brother. “Who you are won’t change my feelings! Nothing will change how I feel about you, or how we feel about each other! But if you aren’t Shining Armor, then who are you?”
At that moment, Shining’s spell exploded with a rush of smoke, briefly concealing his true identity.
“I’’m…!”
“Who?” Twilight asked again, breathless with suspense.
“…” Tom appeared in the smoke.
“…” Twilight stared at the rock as it emerged from the smoke. “What.”
“Ha!”
Twilight’s glare could turn a cockatrice to stone.
“Sorry. Trixie couldn’t help herself.”
At the same time, yet another Applejack appeared where Granny had been arguing with the lifeguard. A pair of oversized sunglasses rested on the sand at her hooves, bereft of an owner. Looking down at herself, /Chrysalis/ Applejack began to laugh. Finally! Things were starting to go her way!
“FREEDOM!” she cried, a moment before Young and Hot Granny Smith dragged her off by the throat. “Oh shit!”
“And so the stone has come to life in new form,” Granny explained, murmuring to herself with wild eyes, “the prophecies were true…!”
“The what?!”
Twilight watched them with a mild twitch of her left eye. Earth ponies. Earth ponies everywhere. Like some Invasive Species +3 or something.
“…”
“Shut up, Tom.”
Let it not be said that while things were going on in Twi-land, other ponies weren’t also involved in their own voyages of passionate self-discovery! At that same beach, while the enlarged Apple Clan got to… er… know each other better, Rainbow Dash was picking at her own multi-colored one-piece bathing suit. Tucked under her wing was a special lunch for a special somepony she had had her eye on ever since she first came to Ponyville.
“V-v-vinyl,” she stammered, managing to catch the totally awesome DJ while away from Trixie. Blushing, Dash opened her wings and held out a small box lunch. “I don’t know if you’ve eaten yet, but, uh, I kind of got you this.”
“Hey! Sweet! I’m starving!” Suitably curious, Vinyl Scratch grabbed the box and looked inside. She looked back up at Dash a second later, a little green around the gills. “Okay… so these are…?”
“Hay fries and a clover burger,” Dash explained, pointing to the two amorphous blobs in the paper box. “With cheese!”
“And these are for me?” Vinyl asked, just to be sure.
“W-why wouldn’t they be?” Dash asked, blushing and looking away. “I had some extra, that’s all!”
Vinyl Scratch looked down at the food and then back up at the tsundere pegasus.
“It looks like shark chum.”
“If you don’t like it then don’t eat it!” Dash yelled, kicking the bottom of the box and sending it upwards to splatter in Vinyl’s face. “Idiot!”
Storming off, Dash couldn’t help but berate herself, ‘Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! What was I thinking?! She totally hates me now!’
Sitting dejectedly on a bench by herself, Rainbow Dash buried her face in her hooves.
Her life had been a huge mess ever since Bon-Bon left on her Personal Quest to learn the secret Ultimate Toffee Technique. Who knew where she was now? Who knew if she was even alive? She had been Dash’s first love, though it was just as much experimentation on both their parts. Her leaving had taken out one of the very pillars of stability in Dash’s otherwise crazy world, and worse, it had reignited her old one-sided crush on the famous town DJ: Vinyl Scratch.
Vinyl was just so cool and so popular, though. For some reason, Dash found it impossible to just be herself around the beautiful unicorn musician. And whenever they did get to talk, away from that awful Trixie Lulamoon, Dash ended up making a total foal of herself! It was all just so frustrating!
“Rainbow?” a voice interrupted her musing, and Dash looked up.
Trotting hesitantly closer was a patchwork pony.
“Smarty Pants!” Rainbow jumped to her hooves and embraced the magically animated mare. “You’re back!”
“Back?” Smarty Pants asked. Dash saw confusion in her mismatched brown and blue eyes. “I was gone? I can’t… remember…!”
“Don’t worry!” Rainbow Dash grasped the doll by her hooves. It had to be Amnesia! “I’ll help you remember! Together!”
And if anyone asked, Dash decided to just tell them she was ‘Just Experimenting.’ It was the same excuse that had gotten her through Flight Camp after all! +2
“…”
“For the last time, Tom, I’m really not into that kind of thing!” Twilight groaned, glancing off to her right to where Trixie and Vinyl were tongue wrestling. Since when were relationships so complicated? Ever since Tom’s revelation of being Shining Armor under a magical disguise, he had changed. Twilight found herself between a rock and a hard place.
“…”
“Tom! Not here in public!”
“…”
“Somepony will see us. Somepony besides Trixie.”
“…”
“I said ‘no,’ Tom!”
“Excuse me, is this guy bothering you?” A slurred mare asked, blocking the rays of the sun and casting her shadow across the lakeside beach.
“Berry?” Twilight asked, surprised to see the town drunk-slash-wine enthusiast.
“…”
“Tom,” Twilight stood up to get between the two of them. “She didn’t mean it--”
“I’m not afraid of you, pal,” Berry Punch declared, grabbing Twilight by the waist with her tail and pulling her in close. “If you wanna bother her, you’ll have to go through me first!”
“B-berry!” Twilight gasped.
“Gasp!”
“Stop it Trixie.”
“Fine.”
“…” Tom threatened. “…”
“You’re all talk,” Berry replied, quaffing her glass of wine and throwing it aside. “Bring it on, pretty boy!”
“Are you…” Twilight blushed hotly as the two squared off for an epic beachside brawl. “Are you fighting over me?”
What followed was a fight Twilight would always remember. Tom was like an unstoppable boulder, but Berry Punch flowed like water, weaving between Tom’s powerful blows. Could it be she was some sort of Drunken Master? Or was she just drunk? It was oddly hard to tell. Either way, for all his might, Tom couldn’t lay a… smooth surface… on her. For all his efforts!
“Done yet, big guy?” Berry taunted, as an exhausted Tom finally stopped moving. “Like I said: you leave Twilight alone. She deserves better than you!”
“…”
“And don’t you forget it!”
“Did you mean that?” Twilight asked, trotting over to check her savior for injuries.
“I did!” Berry replied, holding the element of magic close. Twilight felt a fluttering in her heart. Was this… love? Punch drunk love?
“You know, you still have Trixie, and Trixie is both Great and Powerful,” Trixie said, extending her neck to get between the two lovers. Twilight mashed a hoof into her face and slowly pushed her out of the picture, at least for a little while.
“Hmf!” Trixie pouted, sitting back down next to Vinyl Scratch. “Trixie doesn’t understand. What happened to the good old days, when a mare could only be in a committed relationship with two other mares, like Celestia intended?”
“Don’t ask me,” Vinyl shrugged. She tossed a disgusting looking box into the water and a shark jumped out to snap it up between its toothy jaws. The sudden appearance of the predatory fish sent the nearby cutie mark crusaders frantically galloping out of the water as fast as their little legs could carry them.
A second later the shark choked to death and washed up on the shore.
“TRIXIE LULAMOON!” A bright light shined down from on-high. It could only be one thing! Divine Intervention! …Or aliens. But most likely Divine Intervention.
“Trixie the Great and Powerful,” she corrected the light from on high.
“…Trixie,” the light said again, sounding a little annoyed. “Behold!”
From out of a swirling portal in the light emerged a tall, regal looking stallion. He was dark purple in color with a majestically flowing white beard. In addition to a cloak decked in stars, he wore a wizard hat ringed with jingling bells. This could only be one pony!
“Santa Hooves!” Trixie exclaimed, clopping her hooves together excitedly.
“No!” the stallion bellowed. “How could you even think that?!”
“That’s Starswirl the Bearded,” Vinyl explained to her marefriend, her voice deadpan.
Trixie ‘hmm’ed and studied the majestic stallion before her. “Are you certain this isn’t Santa Hooves?”
“I’m pretty sure,” Vinyl said.
“But he has a beard.”
“Santa isn’t the only stallion with a beard.”
“You may be right,” Trixie conceded, cupping her chin in a hoof as she thought. “Very well! What do you want with Trixie, the Great and Powerful?”
Starswirl the Bearded, the greatest mage in Equestrian history and living (apparently living) legend… pulled a business card out of his robes. He held it up and narrowed his eyes as he read it. Looking side to side from the card, and the picture of the grinning mare on it, to Trixie herself, and then back again, he nodded.
“Yes, this is you, is it not?” he asked, turning around the business card.
For those who can’t remember, it read: Trixie, the Great and Powerful (certified genius)
She took the card from him. “That is Trixie, yes. Wherever did you get this card?”
“It was sent to me across time and space by my protégé, Celestia!” Starswirl’s voice boomed like thunder. “For ages, I have sought a Great and Powerful mare who is my equal in magic! I have crossed the stars of eternity to find you, Trixie Lulamoon! Now! Show me your magic and prove yourself worthy!”
“Trixie accepts your challenge, sir!” The showmare leapt up from her beach-towel, her horn aglow. “Are you ready…?”
“Yes!” Starswirl thundered, his very voice kicking up waves across the beach. “Show us what you can do!”
“Very well!” Trixie conjured up a black top-hat. She held it up for him to see, and showed him the inside of the hat. “Behold. This hat appears empty, does it not?”
The master mage nodded. “It does.”
“Yet... if this hat is truly empty…” Trixie made a swirling figure-eight with the hat before putting it down on the ground in front of her. She made a production of reaching deep inside it. “Then what is this… bunny rabbit doing in here?”
With a flourish she pulled a small white rabbit out of the hat.
Starswirl the Bearded gasped, his eyes wide at the sight. “A rabbit? Out of a hat! Fantastic! Unheard of! Marvelous!”
“What,” Twilight interrupted. “That’s not magic--”
Trixie stuck a hoof in her mouth. “No heckling from the peanut gallery, if you please.”
“Yes! At last! I have found my Worthy Magical Love!” Starswirl declared, prompting Vinyl Scratch and a dozen other ponies to cover their ears. Starswirl swept Trixie up in his mighty hooves. “Come, my love! Let us consummate our Great and Powerful Union! To the Dimension of Pure Passion and Indescribable Pleasure!!”
They winked out of existence, just like that.
For a long few seconds, silence reigned.
“Crap,” Vinyl grumbled. “I should’ve grabbed his tail.”
A tiny version of Discord appeared with a wink on her shoulder. “Picnic, my dear?”
“Yeah, let’s ditch this joint,” Vinyl agreed, and she, too, vanished with a wink.
“Trixie. Trixie... Trixie gets to honeymoon in the Dimension of Pure Passion and Indescribable Pleasure with Starswirl the Bearded – my hero – and I don’t?!” Twilight sat back on her towel and began to take deep, calming breaths. “I don’t believe this. I refuse to believe this. Calm blue ocean,” she muttered to herself, over and over. “Calm blue ocean….”
“There, there, Twilight,” a soothing voice murmured as a pair of alabaster hooves wrapped around her shoulders. “At least you have me.”
Odd. That didn’t sound like Berry Punch.
“Princess Celestia!” Twilight exclaimed, seeing the face of her alicorn mentor. “What are you doing here?! And why do you smell like cider?”
Celestia shivered. “Big Macest,” she whispered under her breath. “Anyway! I’m totally Celestia now!”
“Celestia!” Twilight cried, tears in her eyes as she reached for her mentor’s loving embrace.
“Twilight!” Chrysalis Celestia cried, reaching for her student’s tender embrace.
“Celestia!”
“Twilight!”
“Celestia!”
“Twilight!”
On the other side of the beach, a tipsy Berry Punch woke up beneath a snoozing Young and Hot Granny Smith. “Huh. What?” She hardly even noticed the lavender unicorn and alicorn Princess, who may have been a changeling Queen, making out in the middle of the beach. But then, Twilight being Hot for Teacher wasn’t exactly a surprise to her friends. +2
“Are you mah Grandpa now?” Apple Bloom asked as Berry Punch reached for another nearby bottle.
Meanwhile, in the Dragon Lands…
“Back again?” Bon Bon asked from behind the golden bars of her prison cell. “You know what I want. I won’t leave the Dragon Lands without the Toffee Key!”
The dragon scuffled closer, opening her cage.
But rather than let Bon Bon out, she lumbered inside. Bon Bon smirked. This dragon didn’t know who she was dealing with. Bon Bon was a practiced master of Closed Door Negotiations. The candymaking community in Equestria was positively cut throat. This latest challenge would be nothing compared to dealing with the ruthless Cake Family.
“You want to deal?” Bon Bon asked, not shying away from the lustful dragoness. “Let’s deal. I think we both have something the other wants…”
“Gllgh,” Crackle slobbered in agreement.
“Well howdy cousin!”
Braeburn was fresh off the train from Appleoosa, a duffle bag resting on his bag over his usual brown vest. Big Macintosh greeted him warmly at the train station, stalwart like a statue among the throngs of ponies milling about. He raised a big red hoof to make sure Braeburn saw him.
Sure enough, Braeburn did and started trotting over.
“Cuz!” Once he was close enough, the Appleoosa native jumped into Mac’s arms and locked lips. It was a reunion that had been On Their Lists for a long time. “Did you miss me?”
“Eyup.”
“What’s wrong, cuz?” Braeburn asked, sensing something was amiss with his fellow apple farmer. “There somethin’ going on at the farm I should know about.”
“Eyup.”
“Is it a good something or a bad something?”
Big Mac opened his mouth to answer, but he honestly couldn’t figure out how to explain it. Instead he simply motioned with his head for Braeburn to follow. His old friend, cousin and ‘camping buddy’ would just have to see it for himself.
Bulk Biceps had the best Basement in Ponyville.
Not only did his cloud house have a fully stocked bar, he also had a world class weight room and miniature gymnasium. It was a haven for Rainbow Dash, away from the conflicting and confusing mess that was her love life. On one hoof, she still had strong feelings for Bon Bon, but she had been on her personal quest for so long it was hard to keep the old spark going. Things had been further complicated first by the resurgence of her unrequited feelings for Vinyl Scratch and then by the reappearance of an amnesiac Smarty Pants.
Upbeat workout music pumped from speakers in the basement as Rainbow Dash worked out her wings, losing herself however momentarily in the feeling of pure physical exertion. There was a purity to just working out that so few ponies, even pegasus ponies, seemed to grasp. Ending the day sweaty and hot and then finishing it with a cool nap in the clouds… was there anything better? Admittedly, some days, just the nap in the clouds half did the trick.
Bulk Biceps finished his latest round of weights with a clang.
“Rainbow!” he called out to her. “Spot me?”
“Sure thing!” Dash put down her wing-weights and toweled off her forehead. She was hot and sweaty, just like she wanted, and passing under an air conditioning grill in the basement sent a shiver of delight down her spine.
The truth was, working out excited her in other ways, too…
Bulk Biceps had a rather impressive set of weights lined up and waiting. It was a lot more than she could ever lift, that was for sure. Standing at the head of the bench as he lay down, she held out her hooves and spotted for him as he lifted.
“Hooah!” he grunted, passing smoothly from one rep to the next. “Hooah!”
She could see the sweat beading down the white pegasus stallion’s powerful biceps and triceps. Pooling between his mighty pectoral muscles and then trickling down his six-pack abs. He thrust the weighted bar upwards with another grunt, and Rainbow Dash could imagine him hoof-handling her just as easily. It weighed three times what she did, after all.
“Bulk--”
“Rainbow?”
Lowering her hooves to rest on his powerful pecs, Dash blushed furiously. “N-not like I care or anything, but are you… um… seeing anyone?”
Looking up at her, she couldn’t be sure he was quite getting what she was saying.
“Do you want to have a real workout?” she asked instead, still blushing in embarrassment.
It took a second or two, but he understood.
“YEAAAHH!” His eyes lit up, but then he seemed to remember something. “But… Rainbow… you should know I--”
“Bulky!” a voice called from upstairs. Was Bulk Biceps actually seeing somepony?
Then to Dash’s surprise, a trio of Wonderbolts descended into the basement. It was nothing less than Fleetfoot, Soarin and Spitfire! Absently, her mind spinning, Dash remembered that Bulk Biceps had also tried out for the Wonderbolts not too long ago, back during that mess with Lightning Dust. Had they remained in touch?
“Bulky,” Spitfire cooed as she led her two comrades downstairs. Her eyes widened as she recognized the other pony in the weight room. “Oh ho? You’re--”
Bulk Biceps sat up, about to ask if the Wonderbolts had Met his Friend.
“Rainbow Dash!” Soarin remembered her at least. He waggled his eyebrows. “Isn’t this interesting?”
“W-what do you mean?” Dash stammered, nibbling her lower lip. “Are you all friends or something?”
“Special friends,” Spitfire purred, flying over to land in Bulk Bicep’s lap.
Two words came to the forefront of Dash’s mind:
“Oh my.”
As if that wasn’t enough, yet another surprise waited for Rainbow Dash when she got back to her cloud home. A midnight black half-alicorn half-dragon half-zebra was waiting for her on the steps. She had to keep herself hidden to keep from being misunderstood by the prejudiced ponies of Ponyville. She knew they wouldn’t understand her, despite the creativity and nobility in her heart!
“Bon Bon made me promise to deliver this goodbye letter,” the kirin-dragon-zebra-pony whispered to herself.
She clutched the sealed letter in her neon green claws and shed crystalline tears for what must have been a heartbreaking parting. But it was tempered by optimism! She had heard of this Rainbow Dash, and that she could do the Sonic Rainboom too! Kefentse couldn’t wait to meet her. Maybe Rainbow Dash would be able to look past her appearance and become her friend?
They had so much in common, after all!
Also she was half-changeling.
The resulting dogpile of pegasus ponies (and one half-pony) would’ve done Commander Hurricane’s Army proud. +2
“That was exhausting!” /Chrysalis/ Princess Celestia lamented as she relaxed into the hot tub. Who would’ve thought one little lavender mare had so much energy? Every inch of the changeling queen felt sore. Worse, she couldn’t shake the sneaking suspicion that Twilight knew who she actually was. Her insistence on so much role play was really sort of suspicious. And weird. But at least she was free now.
“Aaaaah!” she sighed in delight, letting the soothing smells and sensations of the water envelop her. She couldn’t drop her disguise, but it still felt good. So good!
So relaxing…
“Enjoying za bath, ja?” the unusual accent belonged to one of the two spa ponies. Aloe, she thought she remembered. Or was it Lotus?
“It’s wonderful,” Chrysalis Celestia sighed.
“More bath salts?”
“Yes, please.”
One of the twin sisters, the pink coated one, leaned over to sprinkle some sort of glittery potion into the water. Almost immediately, it began to fizzle.
“Feels good?” Aloe whispered into her ear, “Only tze best for tze Princess.”
“Yes, yes, your Princess…” Chrysalis Celestia murmured, relaxing deeper into the fizzy water.
A pair of hooves rested on her shoulders, kneading and massaging. “You want tze Royal Treatment, ja?”
“Hrrrmm. Yes. Royal Treatment.”
Aloe and Lotus exchanged sly winks. They would have to thank the Cutie Mark Crusader Matchmakers for handing out those flyers to… interested parties in town.
“Oh, Starswirl, Trixie has never been so happy!” Trixie cuddled up to her newest paramour. Despite being from another age, Starswirl certainly knew his way around the modern female form.
That and they had spent the last few days in a dimension of pure pleasure.
That was pretty much bound to leave an impression.
“Indeed!” the great mage bellowed, though Trixie found she didn’t mind. At least he didn’t refer to himself in the third-pony. That would get pretty annoying pretty quickly.
Presently, they found themselves in a far off crystal tower, far removed from the riff-raff of the rest of Equestria. No doubt, they were free here of any form of unwanted disturbance. Free to languidly enjoy one another’s Great and Powerful presence. There was surely zero chance of an unwanted interruption this far from civilization.
“STARSWIRL!” a mare’s voice broke Trixie’s train of thought, derailed it, and then blew it up.
“Who is that?” Trixie asked, definitely not terrified or anything by the roar.
“My other fiancé,” Starswirl admitted at a slightly less than normal trumpet.
“Your… other fiancé…?”
“I neglected to mention her.”
“Starswirl!” the voice repeated, and the crystal door buckled off its hinges as some great and terrible weight smashed into it. “Open this door at once, husband!”
Crack. Crack. The mighty crystal door finally groaned in protest and went flying clear across the room, to smash into and utterly destroy a rather lovely looking dresser. Emerging from the smoke and crystal dust, the form of a pony emerged, stamping forward on silvery-clad hooves.
“Husband!” Luna roared.
“Ah, Luna,” Starswirl replied, unfazed. “There you are.”
“You are late for our wedding, or have you forgotten that certain something?” Luna lowered her eyes for a second. “You will take responsibility, Starswirl!”
“Certainly!” he agreed, standing up from his pillows. “One must always take responsibility for one’s actions!”
“Indeed!” Luna’s deafening roar and piercing eyes quickly fell on Trixie. “Who is this!”
“My other fiancé,” Starswirl stated, matter-of-factly.
Trixie found herself channeling a little Twilight Sparkle. “What.”
“Hmm.” Luna suddenly loomed over the little blue mare, transfixing and looking down on her. “She is comely!” the Princess declared for all the world to hear. “We approve!”
“What,” Trixie said again. It wasn’t even a question. Just… what.
“The wedding must be now, before we begin to show,” Luna announced, horn lit up with magic. In seconds, she was dragging Starswirl behind her by his beard and Trixie by her tail.
“What!!” Trixie cried, making hoof-scrape-marks in the floor as Luna dragged her along.
What was this, some kind of Royal Shotgun Wedding?
The next few minutes passed in a blur. Attendants at the castle below the crystal tower dressed her in a blue dress with a wreath of flowers around her head. Luna, however, got most of the attention. She was quickly decked out in a flowing wedding dress of pure black and midnight blue. In no time at all, both mares were ushered out and down a crowded hall into a magnificent chapel.
Inside, sitting in the front row, Trixie saw her marefriends Twilight Sparkle and Vinyl Scratch. Both gave her rather unhelpful ‘hoofs up’ as she walked by and up to the altar. Neither of the idiots seemed to care that she was getting roped into this crazy marriage!
Waiting for Luna and Trixie at the altar was Princess Celestia herself, dressed in a priest’s vestments.
“Don’t worry, I’m a fully ordained minister,” Celestia explained.
“That’s not what I’m worried about!” Trixie objected.
“Where is our husband?” Luna roared, causing the entire wedding party to wince at her volume.
“He’ll be along in a moment,” Celestia assured her sister. “He just needed to pick up one last mare.”
Trixie blinked, clearly mishearing the Princess. “What.”
“Here they come now!” Celestia said with a broad smile. The ‘Wedding March’ began to play from the band, and two ponies emerged from the far door.
The first mare was easily recognized as Princess Cadance, wearing a flowing white and gold wedding dress. She trotted confidently down the aisle, like she had done it before. Maybe because she had done it before. Either way, she seemed at ease, and painted a very majestic figure.
The second mare was… oh Sweet Princesses, the second mare was Starswirl the Bearded.
“You’re a Princess,” Trixie stated when he-turned-she marched up to the altar. “A. Princess. You.”
“You finally got your wings, old friend?” Celestia asked, still sporting that silly grin.
“Yes, I have!” Starswirl the Bearded Princess declared with a rousing feminine laugh. “Now! Let us be wed!”
“Let us!” Luna agreed, matching and exceeding his volume.
“This’ll be so much fun!” Princess Cadance was grinning, too. “We’ll all be one big Princess Pile!” +2
Trixie looked around her, at all the horny alicorn Princesses. One by one they all turned to smile at her, like sharks eyeing a cornered and particularly tasty little fish.
Somewhere in the front rows, Twilight Sparkle laughed.
Meanwhile, in the Dragon Lands…
“What did she know?” Spike asked, rising from the bed of golden coins to retrieve his clothes: a black vest, black pants, red sash and a bandanna.
It was all he had taken with him back into the past. But it was still a far cry better than what most ponies in the grim darkness of the future had to wear. They were dirty, mohawked creatures, often with a bone crudely stuck in their nose. Vestless, many went around wearing only belts of ammunition over their bare chests. Many more had eschewed pants entirely in favor of metal studded jockstraps and assless-chaps. A lucky few could claim ownership of a single shoulderpad.
The future was dark indeed, but Spike still held onto hope… hope that it could be prevented!
“Blggh.”
“That’s it?” he asked again, just to make sure. Crackle had a reputation for thoroughness, but the future itself could be at stake here.
“Bleeegggh.”
“Alright,” he decided. “I believe you. You might as well let Bon Bon go, then.”
Throwing his black vest on, the broken ruby heart on the back stood out clearly for all to see.
“Blggh,” Crackle said, splayed out on the bed of jewels and gold. It was her hoard, after all. He was just a guest… and maybe more, when they had the time. At least for a while, Crackle was able to help Spike forget about the future… and Rarity.
“No time, baby,” Spike quipped. An ancient spear caught his eye, lying unused against a wall nearby in the dragon’s horde. He grabbed it, tested the weight, and headed for the mouth of Crackle’s luxurious cave.
“Blggh.”
Typical Crackle. She always hated to see him go. Hell, he hated leaving. Just like he had said when they first met, ‘You Had Me at Blggh.’ But the future waited for no dragon!
“Blggh!” Crackle pleaded.
“I’ll be back someday,” Spike promised, before leaving to hit the road.
“How’s the experiment going, Twilight?” Spike asked, ducking his head down but still keeping the heck out of the library’s basement lab.
“I think I’ve almost got it!” Twilight Sparkle had to yell over the sound of scintillating magic.
“Hey, Twilight?”
“Yeah?”
“Have you ever thought about not messing with the fabric of reality?”
“Plenty of times, Spike!” Twilight trotted over to one of her aethereal capacitors. “Luckily I always come back to my senses!”
“That’s what I thought.” Spike’s parting words were followed by the sound of a multitude of locks being closed up in the library.
“Honestly, he’s such a worrywart.” Twilight hooked a hoof over one of the large electrical switches. “I know exactly what I’m doing. Dimension of Indescribable Pleasure, here I come!”
Pulling down the switch, lightning coursed into the arcane circle in the room. Runes glittered and activated. It was working. It was working! A rift was forming!
“More! More! More POWER!” Twilight cried, flipping another switch. Two more lightning strikes discharged into the arcane matrix. She started to laugh maniacally.
And then everything exploded.
Darn it.
Coughing and waving her hoof in front of her face, Twilight cautiously approached the blasted center of the basement lab where the arcane circle had just been. It almost looked like there was something there…
There was!
It was a pony. A mare, by the looks of it, with a white coat and blue mane. Twilight conjured up a fan to blow away more of the smoke and get a better look at the pony she had… summoned, she supposed. She also floated over her Dimensional Handbook. She’d wanted to reach Dimension or ‘Rule’ sixty-two. Had she overshot by one with that last jolt?
The mare on the floor groaned, slowly coming to. Twilight reached out to help her, and in doing so, got a good look at her cutie mark. It was a blue shield over a magenta star, with three other blue stars over it. It was a cutie mark that Twilight recognized instantly.
“Brother?” she asked, cautiously. “I mean… sister?”
“Dusk?” the mare asked, squinting as she looked up at him. “Is that you? What… you’re a mare?”
“I could say the same about you,” Twilight replied, letting the unicorn mare go as she found her footing. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, but…”
“What’s your name?”
“Gleaming Shield,” the mare said, and pointed at her. “You aren’t Dusk Shine, so…?”
“Twilight Sparkle.”
“Twilight,” she repeated, breathlessly. “Wow. You look older, too.”
“And you look younger,” Twilight observed. “Didn’t you join the Royal Guard yet?”
Gleaming Shield shook her head. “No. Did you become the Princesses apprentice?”
“And much more.” Twilight smiled. “Why don’t you come upstairs? Until we sort this out, you can stay with me. Little sister.”
“Sounds good.” Gleaming Shield yipped and grinned nervously as Twilight’s tail brushed her flanks. “Big sister.”
Maybe Rule 63 wasn’t so bad after all.
Lyra Heartstrings stood outside the library, looking rather cross.
“I’m pregnant,” she stated, simply, pushing past Twilight Sparkle.
“Well!” Spike announced with a yawn. “Time for me to hit the hay.”
“Spike,” Twilight felt she had to remind her assistant, “it’s one in the afternoon.”
“Don’t care. I can’t hear what’s happening.” Spike clamped his hands over his ears as he walked upstairs to his room. Or her room, rather. “La-la-la-la!”
Twilight frowned but let him go, instead focusing on her new guest. “Lyra. What’s going on?”
“Like I said,” the minty mare pointed to her rather pregnant midsection. “Preggers.”
“I can see that. Congratulations… I guess?”
“Can you guess who the father is?”
“Do I want to?”
“Oh, yeah, you want to in this case.”
“Well it isn’t ME,” Twilight replied, sitting down on a pillow. “First of all, I’m a mare. And second, you do know I’m in a relationship with Trixie… and /Chrysalis/ Princess Celestia… and maybe also Applejack… and also my brother’s gender-swapped double. I’m pretty sure we never slept together.”
Lyra shook her head and lit up her horn.
“It isn’t you… the father is… HER!” Lyra pointed to the blushing Gleaming Shield, who had been floated in from outside the room.
“Lyra! Hi!” she said with a little wave. “Long time no see!”
“What’s going on?” Twilight asked, narrowing her eyes first at Lyra and then at Gleaming Shield.
“Well…” Gleaming muttered, fiddling with her front hooves. “Remember when you used that spell? It didn’t actually summon another Shining Armor. It actually split me off from the Shining Armor in this world. You could say I’m the ‘ying’ to his yang.”
“And he did this--” Lyra pointed to her middle. “--which means she did it, too.”
“That’s crazy!” Twilight objected strenuously. “My magic couldn’t possibly backfire that badly!”
The two mares spent a few long seconds just staring at the librarian.
“Also,” Twilight amended her earlier outburst. “It is crazy because of other reasons, too.” Groaning, she crossed her front legs. “Fine. Until we work this whole Unexpected Pregnancy thing out you can stay here with my… little sister… brother… whatever.”
She surged up and pointed at Lyra, eyes narrowed to slits.
“Just don’t get too clingy,” she warned.
“You’ll hardly even notice me!” Lyra insisted, grinning widely.
“I Want to Believe?” Twilight read the poster. It had a ghostly hand reaching out over the horizon. “RAAGH!” she had to resist the urge to tear it off the wall.
Lyra had totally redecorated the entire library!
There were stupid posters of humans, and anthro-art, and crazy conspiracy articles plastered or stapled or pinned to have the surfaces in the library. Lyra had also moved in, and she had the worst taste in food and clothes that Twilight had ever seen! And that was saying something, since Twilight knew she wasn’t exactly fashion conscious herself. The last time Rarity had visited, she’d ended up fleeing on sight.
“Honey, what do you think about the name Reginald?”
Reginald? What kind of stupid name was that?
“Or Tegan?”
Tegan. What the heck was a Tegan?
“Uhhh,” Shining/Gleaming Armor mostly just nodded her head. “Sure, whatever. I like them both.”
“RRAGH!” Twilight suddenly erupted, dashing out of the library. Lyra was driving her insane! There had to be a way to get rid of her.
“Dear Princess,” Twilight fell to her knees and prayed, a single halo of light piercing the thick clouds over Ponyville to illuminate her. “Dear Princess Celestia. Dear Princess Luna. Dear Princess Cadance. Dear Princess Starswirl. Dear Princesses of the stars, Princesses of the earth, Princesses of magic and Princesses of fire. Dear Princess of cantrips, Princess of sparks, Princess of illusions, Princess of conjurations, Princess of summoning, Princess of transmutation, Princess of abjuration and invocation. Oh Princess of mirrors, Princess of portals, Princess of beacons and Princess of omens. Princess of labs and Princess of beakers and burners and bottles and beams!”
“Get me out of this,” she prayed into the pillar of light. “Save me from my annoying new sister in-law!”
“waaaaAAAAAAHHHHH!! Look out below!!”
Twilight’s prayers were answered, as a rainbow blur descended through the gap in the cloudcover, spiraling out of control and crashing into the library with a tremendous explosion. Twilight screamed as she tumbled end-over-end.
“My books!” she cried in despair as they went flying in the explosion. “And Spike, too!”
“Twilight!” Spike yelled, flying through the air.
The books said less, but she could imagine their cries for help.
“Spike it is,” Twilight growled, using her magic to pluck him out of the air before he could get hurt. Trotting through the smoking hole in her precious library, Twilight surveyed the devastation within. Despite her seeming to call down this calamity just seconds earlier, Twilight immediately felt a pang of fear and regret for her words now that he wish had apparently been answered. As annoying as Lyra was, she didn’t want the poor mare hurt. Put in an asylum… maybe. But not hurt. And certainly not her foal.
Magically moving aside bits of rubble, she saw a minty green color…
“Lyra?” Twilight asked, hoping that she other mare was alright. “Are you okay? Lyra?”
“I’m okay!” Lyra called back. She looked unhurt. Some sort of bubble shield had protected her.
Which could only mean…
“Shining?” Twilight tried to find him/her in the rubble. And there was Rainbow Dash, too, but she was usually pretty crash-proof. “Gleaming?”
A white hoof emerged from some fallen debris. “Twilie--”
“Shining?” Twilight ran over, followed closely by Lyra. The two mares quickly dug him (her) out. She was still, but breathing. “Don’t worry, we’ll get you to a hospital!”
“No… too late…” She coughed, and held out her front hooves. Lyra took one and Twilight the other. “I can feel… my magic… drifting away. I’m returning to the other Shining Armor…”
“Don’t leave!” Twilight cried, squeezing her hoof. “I barely got to know you!”
“You’ve always known me… big sis,” the gender swapped Shining Armor assured her with a wan smile. “Lyra? Take care of my… of his--”
“Baby?” Lyra asked, urging her to finish her final wish. “Shining?”
Before their very eyes, the female Shining Armor dissolved into sparkles and vanished into the wind.
“It… it wasn’t supposed to be like this!” Twilight cried, and held her head in her hooves. “It wasn’t!”
“It wasn’t your fault, Twilight,” Lyra said, though there were tears in her eyes. “It wasn’t anypony’s fault…”
“No. It was mine.”
Both mares turned, and saw Rainbow Dash cautiously push herself out from behind a fallen bookshelf.
“This is all my fault!” she cried, tears streaming down her face. Her left wing was limp and broken on her side, but she hardly even seemed to pay it any mind. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry…”
Twilight felt Spike grab onto her, but she still fell onto her backside, stunned by the turn of events. Lyra and Shining Armor weren’t together anymore, but it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. It wasn’t supposed to be Evil.
+1
[That was a lot for one damn point, jeez!]
Listen to me carefully.
My name is Cheerilee.
They just discarded me for two more pony cards. That means I’m outside their reach in the discard pile, but I’m not free. I’m stuck in here with BBBFF Shining Armor, Bon Bon, Tom and Iron Will. None of them seem to even know what’s going on. But I do. You have to tell someone. Tell the Princess. Tell Twilight. Tell anyone! You have to help--
“You really have no idea the forces you’ve unleashed, do you?” Twilight heard a voice – her own voice – coming from behind. She and Lyra were still grieving over the death of their gender-swapped Shining Armor, still trying to rebuild the library after getting the badly injured Rainbow Dash to the hospital. Twilight had taken on the manticore’s share of the burden herself, due to Lyra’s condition.
“You’re me,” Twilight realized, turning to face her opposite number.
It was a Second Twilight Sparkle, but this one was brimming with power and confidence. She stood in a flickering halo of magenta magic, her mane and tail caught in an aethereal breeze. There was just something otherworldly about her.
“I’m you?” the cocky Twilight asked, feigning insult and scoffing. “I guess, but only on the most basic level. I am the you… you can become! The you who has fully unlocked her potential!”
The second Twilight arched her back, and with a growl, a pair of lavender wings erupted from her sides! She was an alicorn!
“I am Princess Twilight Sparkle, Star Student!” she proclaimed, rising up on her hind legs. The unicorn Twilight could only stare in awe at her other-self’s beauty and majesty. She wasn’t just a Princess. She was a Pretty, Pretty Princess! +1
“How?” Twilight asked, shocked almost beyond words. “How?”
“How did I become a Princess, or how am I here?” Princess Twilight tittered arrogantly. “I can answer the latter easily enough. I squeezed through that magical rift you opened earlier, the one that created the Shining Armor you’ve been toying with. But my emergence was not sudden. It took time to stabilize my immense powers and my immortal body! I was still… experimenting… when I finally made my emergence. Poor Rainbow Dash had the misfortune of being nearby. She lost control and crashed, and you know the rest.”
So That’s What That Did! That was the connection between everything that had happened. But it did nothing to alleviate Twilight’s guilt. It might not have been her misguided prayers that lead to this accident, but it was still her fault. She had opened the portal. If only she had listened to Sss--
If only she had listened to Sppp--
If only she had listened to Spppiiiie--
If only she had listened!
“How do I make it right?” Twilight begged, falling to her stomach in penance. “How can I fix things?”
“I can make things right, but there may be a terrible price to pay!” Princess Twilight warned, glowing like an avatar of pure magic. “Will you accept my judgment, Twilight Sparkle?”
“Yes!” Twilight cried, bowing deeply. “Punish me as you see fit! I deserve it! You can even use the riding crop. It’s somewhere in the rubble over there. Or the gag. That’s in the hooflocker under the bed. Or--”
“I get the idea.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Now…!” Princess Twilight Sparkle boomed, crossing her hooves in thought. “First things first!”
She held out her regal hoof.
“From the darkest of pits, I call forth… Cheerilee!”
“NOOO!” Cheerilee screamed, emerging from an arcane swirl of energy. She landed face-first, shook herself off, and stood up. “Oh Princess. I’m back here again. Wait, why do I--” She reached up to her face, feeling a helmet. She was also wearing some rather strange camouflage. “What the heck is all this?”
Princess Twilight gazed down at the poor mare. “I have called you forth from an Equestria embroiled in war, to give you a chance to--”
“No.”
“To give you a chance for--”
“I don’t want it.”
“For love!” Princess Twilight proclaimed.
“I just wanna go home. Can’t you send me home?”
Princess Twilight tilted her head in confusion. “You are home.”
Cheerilee sighed. “You have no idea how terrifying that statement is. So who am I in love with?”
“Me!” Star Student Twilight declared. “You aren’t a Princess yourself, but I Guess You’ll Do.” +2
“Hurray for me,” Cheerilee cheered, half-heartedly pumping her hoof. “Woo ho.”
“Next!” Princess Twilight Sparkle commanded. “I shall use my incredible Princess powers to open a Pretty, Pretty Portal to another time!”
“Isn’t that what caused this mess in the first place?” Unicorn Twilight asked, drolly. “Opening portals and stuff?”
“Silence!”
“I’m just saying…”
“My portals are totally different and a lot better than yours because I’m an awesome Princess,” Princess Twilight Sparkle explained.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.” She coughed into her hoof. “Now, as I was saying, I call upon my powers! Let the Pretty, Pretty Portal open!”
A glowing lavender aperture in space widened like the lens of a camera.
Through it, Twilight could see images from another world… or was it another time? There was a Rarity there and she was backing away from someone or something. There was a terrified look on her face.
“Applejack? Spikey-wikey?” she asked, her blue eyes flitting back and forth between her two assailants. “I don’t understand…!”
“I’m sorry, Rarity,” an older Spike said, leveling a spear at the shocked seamstress. She backed away instinctively, but she was nearing the edge of the roof of the Carousel Boutique. Her back right hoof nicked the decorative crenellations that crowned the boutique and she flinched, realizing she was truly cornered.
“Sorry for what?” she asked. “Darlings, what – whatever have I done to make you so upset with me?”
“Stop yer yappin’,” Applejack barked, raising her strange thin cannon. “We’re only gonna do what we gotta do. No point talkin’ about it.”
“It isn’t what you’ve done,” Spike still tried to explain. “It is what you will do! Rarity, we can’t let you destroy the future with your fashionist dictatorship!”
“Destroy the future?” Rarity asked, aghast. “You must be kidding! Me?”
“Ass-less chaps, Rarity,” Spike pleaded with her to understand. “Ass-less chaps everywhere. Ponies with mohawks wearing hoofball pads.”
“No! No!” Rarity cried out, falling to her front hooves. “No more! No more!”
“That’s actually not the worst of it, but I sort of figured you’d hate that part more than the other stuff,” Spike added and Applejack nodded.
“Ass-less chaps!” Rarity moaned in despair.
“You understand, don’t you?” Spike asked, lowering his spear and reaching for her. “Rarity. We have to stop you before you become corrupted and destroy the world. Just close your eyes, Rarity. Just close your eyes.”
“Spikey-wikey,” Rarity said, very softly. She looked up at her two former friends, blue eyes anything but lost in despair. “If you think I’ll just let you kill me, you don’t know me at all! Hi-ya!”
A delicate white hoof caught the older Spike by the throat and he staggered back, choking. “R-rrr--”
“Consarnit!” Applejack yelled in frustration, trying to get an aim on the white unicorn, but Rarity had already ducked behind Spike, using him as a shield.
“I ain’t got a shot!” the former apple farmer turned time-traveling assassin yelled. “Spike! Move it! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!”
Applejack’s hoof-cannon cracked, firing some sort of little cannonball. But all it did was punch through Spike’s vest, which had been magically torn from his body. Applejack’s instinctive reaction, to hit the first thing that moved, proved costly. Rarity slipped out from behind Spike, a white blur that spun into a flying kick.
“Hi-ya!” Rarity gave a lady-like battle cry, knocking the rifle out of Applejack’s hooves. “I have a sister! A Family! Friends!”
She kicked at Applejack again, and the farmer ended up flying, struck across the jaw.
“I won’t give up,” Rarity told her, still balanced on her hind legs. “Not now, not ever!”
“That’s why we have to do this.”
She turned, having forgotten about Spike.
He had Applejack’s rifle in his hands, propped up against his shoulder. The air shook with a single, harsh CRAK. Rarity stumbled, gracelessly, backwards.
“S-spikey--” she managed to say, before she fell, her mane seemingly weightless in that one long instant before she vanished over the edge of the roof of her own boutique.
“Rarity…!” Spike cried in despair, throwing down the rifle. He slowly made his way over to Applejack, reaching out to help her up. Except his claw passed through her hoof.
“We did it,” Applejack realized with wonder. “We did it!”
“We did,” Spike agreed, also starting to fade away. “But at what cost?”
“OOF!” Rarity hit the ground below the magenta portal. For just a second, she lay perfectly still there, almost within reach.
Then she screamed and gripped her right foreleg.
“@$!$%!!”
Twilight, Princess Twilight and Cheerilee could do little but stare.
“OOOH. *@%&! He shot me!” Rarity’s eyes flew open, and she noticed that she wasn’t alone. Also that she was alive. “I – I mean… ohhhhh!” The Dramatically Wounded Rarity pretended to faint.
“I will take care of her as well,” Princess Twilight proclaimed, lifting the wounded dressmaker in her magic. “This should then prompt…”
“Twilight!” Lyra yelled, as she ran towards them as best she could in her condition. “The hospital! They just found out that Rainbow Dash isn’t actually Rainbow Dash! She’s a changeling!
“Yes. Yes! I am a changeling!” Chrysalis announced, her front hooves bound by magic but still able to walk behind Lyra as a captive. “Everypony stop and stare at the changeling! You know what? I don’t care. I don’t even care. I’ve been tossed around and exchanged hooves more often than a basketball. Do whatever you want to me… as long as you keep me away from those Apples. They’re nuts.”
“Queen Chrysalis!” Princess Twilight decreed, sweeping forward her mighty hoof. “I henceforth declare that you will spend your days locked in a single form!”
“You better not turn me into Tom,” Chrysalis growled.
“That would just be silly,” Twilight replied, and a lance of magic shot out of her horn and wrapped around the changeling Queen. In seconds, she had been transformed, and her body locked into that state with a magical click.
“Another Twilight Sparkle?” Chrysalis asked, looking down at her new lavender self.
“So,” Unicorn Twilight picked that moment to speak up. “Me, Chrysalis-as-me, and you--”
“What can I say?” Princess Twilight asked with a smile and a shrug. “I love Self-Insertion.” +2
Suddenly, cracks began to form in the sky!
Reality itself began to unravel!
“Sister! Sister! Sister!”
“I heard you the last time!” Celestia yelled, glaring over her shoulder at the unwanted intrusion. Luna was poking her head into the room, watching her elder sister with turquoise-blue eyes. “What?” Celestia asked, testily.
“Sister,” Luna said, slowly. “What are you doing?”
Celestia hastily covered up the papers with her hooves. “Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Nothing!” Celestia insisted. “Nothing at all. What – what are you doing?”
Luna’s bright eyes narrowed suspiciously. “…nothing.”
“Then we’re both doing nothing!” Celestia announced, perhaps a tad too loudly.
Very slowly, Luna withdrew from the doorway and closed the door behind her.
Waiting a few seconds to make sure there wouldn’t be any follow up intrusions, Princess Celestia, Lady of the Sun, Princess Royal of Equestria, returned to her great work. Dipping her quill into her inkwell, she turned towards her masterpiece. It was brilliant.
The real question was: how to end it?
“What am I saying?” Celestia asked herself with a regal titter. “End it?” She stuck her tongue out and began to write the answer. “This Ride Never Ends!”
