The Weird Tale of Princess Peter
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WARNING: THIS FANFIC WAS WRITTEN BY A BUNCH OF CRAZY TEENAGERS HIGH ON SUGAR AND CAFFEINE. READING OF THIS FANFIC MAY CAUSE YOUR BRAINS TO ROT OUT AND SPATTER ONTO THE GROUND, AND THAT'S DISGUSTING. PLEASE SPARE US.
(I do not own My Little Pony, "We are Never Getting Back Together," "Working my Twerking" (an amazing song by FiMFlamFilosophy), Toby Cavanaugh, Portal, Sonic the Hedgehog, or Smarties. Hell, I don't even own a life. Otherwise, this story wouldn't exist.)
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Once upon a time there was a beautiful alicorn pony princess named Peter.
He was annoying, but loved sparkles.
He loved sparkles so much that he started to fart them.
Some might think that this would make him feel embarrassed, farting in public, but the only emotion his tiny brain felt was pleasure.
He spent most of his time looking at sexy ponies and writing fanfics with self-insert OCs that got to have sex with the hot lady friend OCs.
Even though in the end of every story the girl would die a horrible, painful death with laser shooting bunnies...
...there was always a blooming and highly romantic(?) *commence eyebrow raise* relationship that bloomed between them.
Despite being a princess, Peter still lived in his parents' basement. They both hated him and told everypony that he was adopted. His kingdom consisted of one steam-room and a squirrel. (At least until Fluttershy murdered the squirrel for insulting Angel.)
Peter held the dead squirrel in his hooves, stroking him like a super villain.
Peter, being the creepy super villain that he was, began to speak to the dead animal. "Meeheeheeheehee..."
..."Once I have recorded all the re-runs of Tellitubbies, my life will be complete!" He had decided to become evil so he could fuck somepony hot who liked BAD BOYZ. So he kidnapped Twilight Sparkle and raped her in his parents' basement.
"Princess Peter!" called his mother, Purple Power Super Princess.
"Yes mother?" asked Peter, pausing the torture of Twilight Sparkle.
"Did you bring up your laundry?" Purple Power Super Princess asked.
"Yup," he called back, then continuing to hide his laundry under his bed. MOTHER WOULD NEVER KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Well you'd better be telling the truth or I'll gouge your left eye out!"
**Ten Minutes Later**
Twilight was tied down to a table and she saw Peter come in. She asked him what happened to his eye, and he screamed at the top of his lungs, "NEVER AGAIN!"
"Did a parasprite scratch your eye out or something?" Twilight asked. She was acting very calm, which confused Peter, who only knew of pleasure. But Twilight was watching a hammer she was levitating with her magic behind Princess Peter's head.
A thick atmosphere of suspense floated in the air as Twilight positioned her hammer perfectly.
"WEEEEEEE! ARE NEVA EVA EVAAAA! GETTIN BACK TOGETHAAA!" the pizza pony sang as he trotted down the stairs with a dessert pizza and singing "T SWIFTY" This caused Twilight Sparkle to drop her hammer in the utter shock of it.
Horrified by the sudden change of mood, Peter knew he had to make Twilight fall in love with him, so he decided to serenade her, singing, "I'M YOUR SEXY HORSE GOD OF LOVE! SENT DOWN FROM FAR UP ABOVE!!!"
Twilight used her magic to conjure up earplugs and shoved them in her ears to cover the awful noise.
"QUIT IT!" she yelled.
Peter shook his head no and proceeded to cut off Twilight's horn with a sharpened banana, laughing maniacally. Now she would never escape! Then he kissed the horn over and over, until her realized her was looking creepy in front of his lady, so he put it to the side to save for later.
Twilight was disgusted. Terrified, the large amounts of emotions caused her to black out into a dream.
XxEnter Dream WorldxX
Twilight was happily prancing around as a filly with her BBBFF, Shining Armor. They were having a great time as he taught her how to fly a kite.
Then all the sudden, huge aliens disguised as Smarties crashed to the ground all over, killing Shining Armor and sucking up his blood. Then a bunch of spiders with Peter's face on them came and ate up his corpse in the record time of 5 seconds flat. Then all that was left of him was the smell of rot and corn dogs.
XxEnd of DreamxX
Twilight woke up with a jolt, her heart racing a million miles an hour. In front of her sat a steaming plate of waffles. Twilight adored waffles so much that she dug right in.
But suddenly she looked up to see Princess Peter. She spat out the waffle in his face, realizing she was free from her bonds. Peter had wanted her to enjoy his cooking, hoping to make a better impression. Instead she ran out of the basement as fast as she could, until she crashed into Flash Sentry, who was worse than Princess Peter.
Twilight Sparkle immediately galloped back downstairs to get away from Flash because screw him. Peter looked at Twilight with an ugly look on his face in an attempt to look sexy. But he was ugly anyway, so what could he do?
"So, you came back for me, huh?" Then Twilight wondered why she had come back down. I mean, Flash Sentry was awful and Gary Sueish and she wanted him to die, but at least he hadn't kidnapped her, cut off her horn, raped her, and sang an ear-bleeding song.
Twilight began to back away up the stairs, Peter following her and Flash behind them at the top. Suddenly, Princess Peter puller out a Kitty Laser. Then he shot Flash and HE DEAD.
"Now come and kiss me girl!" Peter screamed. "I have done a valiant deed by killing Flash. Marry me." Of course she said, "FUCK NO!" because he was a freaking messed up, creepy, and ugly dude. So Peter killed Twilight with a Puppy Laser. He dumped her body behind the local McSoy's and kept her horn, kissing it every night.
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One week later, Shining Armor discovered Twilight's body while he was mugging somepony behind McSoy's. They searched the body and surrounding area for clues, but after 22 minutes, they said, "Screw it," and just arrested Princess Peter because they hated him. Everyone hated him.
The search teams actually found one thing: the blast that had killed Twilight had come from a PUPPY LASER.
So two days later, Peter was brought to court as the prime suspect. Angel was prosecuting (with Fluttershy as the judge to translate) and the defense was Peter's dead squirrel.
Angel stood on his hind legs and held up a picture of Princess Peter with his Puppy Laser! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!
Everyone at the trial gasped as Angel smirked. No objections came from the defense.
"Well I wouldn't go so far as to say this picture is evidence..." Fluttershy said. But everyone in the audience started yelling because they wanted Peter to suffer. They yelled at Fluttershy, saying the picture was fantastic evidence, causing her to yell out, "Haven't any of you mother-fuckers heard of Photoshop!?!"
Angel pulled out the ghost of Flash Sentry. Everyone gasped! Angel showed the picture to Flash, who examined it carefully.
"That's not photoshopped," he said. Then he vanished and Angel held up the photo again, looking satisfied.
Upon closer inspection, Fluttershy discovered that Photoshop was in fact NOT involved. Angel had used the nearly fool-proof plan of cutting out an image of a Puppy Laser and sticking it onto the other photo with orange duct tape. At this, Angel just shrugged and held up a sign that said, "So what? He's still guilty!"
Angel then pulled out a Puppy Laser that had been found in the basement. The laser puppy sat, looking very derpy. Angel looked at Fluttershy, and she looked over at the Puppy Laser, which barked. Fluttershy gasped.
"That is one sexy Puppy!" Angel glared and slammed down on the table. "Oh right..." Fluttershy said. "The Puppy Laser has stated that he was used to murder Twilight Sparkle by the ugliest Princess he had ever seen."
"So Cadence then?" Princess Peter asked.
"Are you drunk you son of a-" Fluttershy was cut off.
Angel stomped his foot angrily and held up a picture of Cadence next to a picture of Peter.
The Puppy Laser yipped that Princess Peter was indeed drunk, and they dropped the matter, having reached a conclusion.
"I've seen enough," Fluttershy announced. "It is now clear that the culprit must be..."
..."PRINCESS PETER...and his accomplice the dead squirrel!" Everypony gasped, for the squirrel was a well-respected lawyer. Toby Cavenaugh stood up and yelled, "OH MY GOD!"
Meanwhile, in the back of the court, a small, evil chuckle came from a pony sitting hidden in the shadows. It was so quiet, it could only be heard by her. This was Flilight Farkle.
She was Twilight Sparkle's secret evil twin sister. Flilight Farkle wanted revenge on Princess Peter for killing her twin. Of course she was an evil twin, so she really didn't care about Twilight; she was just doing it for an excuse to kill somepony and also to contrive in some sort of plot. (Maybe.)
"Haha! I have found you!" said the totally "not" evil Flilight Farkle. A butterfly flew past and distracted her for a second, causing her to say, "Ooooh! Pretty!" Then snapping back to attention, she pulled out a Hedgehog Laser, which was much more powerful than the flimsy Puppy Laser!
Suddenly, Peter broke free from his princess hand cuffs, crashed into a window, effectively breaking it. Whizzing through the air, he found a car that just happened to have its sun roof open, as well as a very powerful motor. Flilight Farkle then grabbed a portal gun and shot it so she appeared in a car only a few feet away from Princess Peter's. Then began a car chase.
Using their magic to steer the cars that had suddenly appeared in Equestria for no apparent reason, they began speeding down the dirt roads of Ponyville, running over ponies left and right. Flilight put on some epic sunglasses and shot missiles out of the sides of her car.
After firing the missiles, she shot Pinkie's party cannon! And it worked! It hit Peter's car and BANG! The car exploded.
"OH NO!" Toby Cavanagh yelled from the gigantic green elephant-pony hybrid that he was riding.
Peter would have died, but he secretly held a gold ring, so he was perfectly fine.
Meanwhile, somewhere in another world Sonic the Hedgehog was short one ring and DIED. But Peter was also protected because his dead squirrel friend had saved him with a force field.
The dead squirrel was actually possessed by a magical pixie pony, who had acquired powers with great struggle.
XxENTER MAGICAL SAD BACKSTORYxX (Don't mess this up...)
He drank to much toxic waste boo hoo. (Nailed it.)
XxEnd BackstoryxX
When he had un-possessed the dead squirrel, Flilight Farkle crushed him because she hated life.
Peter was escaping rapidly, and for the first time in his life, he stopped farting sparkles for long enough to feel terrified. Princess Peter galloped down the road, Flilight driving close behind him.
Flilight Farkle had almost caught up, because cars are faster than ponies.
Then all of the sudden, givememorecupcakes crashed through the 4th wall and shot Princess Peter with a machine gun, yelling, "I HATE ALICORN OCS!!!!!!!"
"OH MY GOD!" Toby Cavanaugh proclaimed.
THE END.
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Now go ahead and review. Even a flame. This story deserves it. XD
Pineapples. That is all.
Author's Note
Congrats on making it through! Like and favorite or whatever.......UGH NEVERMIND I DONT CONTROL YOUR LIFE. DO WHATEVER THE F*CK YOU WANT TO.