Twilight wished that she'd owned an acoustic guitar. She also wishes she knew how to play the guitar. She also took a moment to contemplate how it was possible for any hornless pony to play an instrument based entirely upon coordination of some variety of opposable digits on the strings of a guitar. She put that on the mental checklist in the back of her head for things to research about ponykind. Also on the list was how hornless ponies wrote with their mouths, how Applejack grabbed apples, why ponies say everypony, why nearly every village, town, city, municipality, territory, and region of any kind was a word containing a piece of equine jargon.
But she should not think about that right now. It would mess up her entire schedule of things to contemplate if she contemplated them at the wrong place, at the wrong time, in the wrong order.
Twilight finally rose from her mattress, and began to walk downstairs. She noticed that she had wasted a considerable amount of seconds in her room, which ultimately ruined her schedule so much, she wouldn't be able to have lunch with Rarity next Tuesday.
"Spike! Cancel my lunch with Rarity next fucking Tuesday!"
Twilight immediately covered up her mouth with her fore hooves, realizing the evil, cursed, mind-bendingly corrupting vulgarity she had just uttered. The word had escaped her muzzle, and she felt nothing but shame for exposing an impressionable young dragon like Spike to such foul language.
Twilight lowered her hooves and uttered one simple, regretful, apologetic word to herself.
"Fuck."
She covered up her mouth again.
Twice!
Twilight had never felt the need for such unladylike and vulgar language, so why could she not stop spurting it out like a water faucet that swore?
"What the fucking shit stained ring finger is wrong with my stupid ass mouth?"
At this point, Twilight decided that covering her mouth would be a futile effort. She simply hung her head in shame and briefly continued trotting forward when she noticed that Spike was standing at the bottom of the stairway, staring at his potty-mouthed sister figure like Pinkie Pie staring at (and drooling over) a delicious cake, fresh out of the oven.
"Spike.. eh heh...so...you were standing right there the whole fucking time?"
Spike did not budge. Or acknowledge that she was speaking. He just simply continued to stare. Only after several uncomfortable seconds of Spike staring in confusion at Twilight, he finally opened his mouth to speak.
"T-Twilight... are you okay?"
"No, you stupid piece of shit. I'm not o-fucking-kay. My damn fucking mouth is more dirty than Rarity's whorish daddy milk filled mouth!"
Spike's jaw quickly returned to its resting place underneath his upper jaw (even though I'm about 50% sure that the bottom jaw has no real natural resting place) and he proceeded to close his eyes and take a deep breath. He patiently exhaled, opened his eyes, and turned away from Twilight and continued over to the window.
"Sp-fuck-ike?" said Twilight gently, but not that gently, because she just dropped the F-bomb. "Are you okay, you damn piece of shit?"
Spike did not acknowledge her speaking. Instead, he unlatched the locks on the window, and slowly lifted the window up. He took a deep breath of fresh air after sticking his head out of the window.
Then he vomited.
Twilight had never seen a dragon puke before, but interestingly enough, they still exhale a great, majestic flame when they do. Spike still lost his breakfast though. And his dinner from the night before. And his lunch from yesterday afternoon. And his breakfast from the previous morning.
And everypony knows what dragons eat.
Spike, grunting in intense pain and also vomiting from utter disgust, just continued to puke and puke a slimy goo with a disgusting yellow-brown hue, as well as several beautiful jewels. Sapphires, amethysts, rubies, emeralds, you name it, he was losing it all out of the window, and there was nothing he could do about it. Because every time he tried to stop vomiting, he remembered why he was vomiting, and kept vomiting.
It didn't help that he could see a white unicorn approaching Twilight's castle from a little ways away.
A white unicorn who, not even a day ago, was the pinnacle of beauty, the epitome of elegance, the definition of grace.
A white unicorn who, according to Twilight, sucked lots of horse cock.
Rarity approached the baby dragon, who was still uncontrollably puking up a shit ton of precious stones.
"Spike..."
Spike suddenly stopped with all of his whiny puke-y bullshit, and just stared at her...mouth. In horror, by the way.
"Are you okay, my de–"
"GET AWAY FROM MEEEEEEE–"
Spike's scream of horror and disgust was cut short by more whiny puke-y bullshit, which he promptly released all over Rarity's perfectly clean face, flawlessly coiffed mane, and blemish-free white coat.
Oh, also, he was still puking fire at the same time, so he burned the shit out of her too.
Rarity, who would usually be staring in disgust at this point, was instead screaming and running around in pain and agony, because Spike just puked slimy jewels and breathed fire on her, but she was mostly screaming and running around in pain and agony because he just breathed fire on her.
Rarity panicked and just shrieked whilst rolling around on the dirt, "SOMEPONY HEEELP MEEE!!!" Her screams of pain reached the highest possible pitch in Rarity's range, and they reached the optimum volume that a pony could speak at (you can ask Princess Luna about that last one, she'll tell you I'm not lying) and Rarity was now orally delivering something much less satisfying than the things that she usually delivered orally.
Glass-shattering, decibel-blasting, eardrum-breaking screams of pain that could be heard as far away as the Castle of the Two Sisters.
Her screams could also be heard from the streets that she was lying in agony a few feet from. There were also a shit ton of ponies walking on the streets and somehow completely ignoring Rarity's obvious pain.
"WHY WON'T ANYPONY HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!?!?"
Still, no one even bothered to acknowledge her existence.
A couple minutes later than what would have been appropriate, Twilight teleported out of the castle and recreated herself next to Rarity, who was still on fire. Twilight opened her mouth to speak, and then remembered that her potty mouth is, by association, basically the reason that Rarity was on fire. Twilight, who was running out of options to help her fashionable flaming friend, simply just stared at Rarity with a determined expression.
She was determined to figure out what she would be determined to do to help Rarity.
"TWILIGHT, PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU! I'M SORRY IF I DID SOMETHING TO UPSET YOU BEFORE, BUT EVEN IF I DID, I DON'T DESERVE SUCH A TERRIBLE FATE!"
Twilight, much like Spike had done to her earlier, just continued determinedly glaring at Rarity.
Rarity was now crying, believing that this was the day that she would die, the day she would meet her fiery fate and be no more. Tears flowed from her eyes and slid down her charred white cheeks, until they hit the dirt that she was dying on. After a few seconds, a little puddle formed that slowly moved towards Twilight's hoof.
Oh, she was also crying because Twilight's "determined" expression is a deranged smile paired with a scrunched-up nose and narrow, glaring eyes.
"Twilight... how could you be so cruel to me..?"
This heartbreaking, tearjerking, mind-blowing scene was completely disregarded by the townsfolk, who walked past a flaming Rarity and a deranged Twilight without a care in the world.
Suddenly, a light bulb spontaneously appeared atop Twilight's horn, and her deranged grin quickly changed into a proud beaming smile.
She turned away from Rarity, walked a few steps, and opened her mouth to speak.
"SOMEONE FUCKING HELP THIS STUPID BITCH!"
Twilight's face then turned very satisfied at the hundreds of ponies staring at her, shock, confusion, and anger displayed on their faces. She turned back and forth, seeing many ponies covering up the ears of their foals to protect their young minds from the foul language that had just escaped their princess's mouth.
"NOW!"
Ponies ran frantically in every direction on the dirt roads, all returning with buckets of wa–
"Grandpa."
The elderly human man, storybook in hand, reading glasses adorned upon his wrinkled white face, hair white and full as ever, looked up, a friendly wise grin conquering his face. In his arms, he cradled a storybook. The cover of the thick-ish book had a picture of Twilight Sparkle's head, and underneath it sported a few words, boldly and proudly.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
POTTY MOUTH
Staring back at the elderly man was a much smaller, much younger boy, with brown hair and a stupid looking bowl haircut, wearing pajamas donning little pictures of Pinkie Pie all over them. The boy, in a very high voice, opened his mouth and inhaled impatiently.
"Why didn't Twilight just use a spell to make it so Rarity wasn't on fire anymore?"
Also, he was 15 years old.
"I don't know, Timothy, why are you a stupid gay pony loving faggot piece of shit?"
The childish teenager looked down at his pajamas dejectedly and shamefully.
The old man was still wearing the same proud, friendly smile as he stared at his grandson whose sexuality and pony enthusiasm he just insulted.
"That's what I thought, ponyfucker. Now, why don't you shut your fucking mouth so I can finish this gay ass story?"
She was staring at Rarity, who was lying completely bandaged in the hospital bed, unconscious.
"Rarity... I'm so sorry I fucking did this to you."
The heart monitor to the left of the hospital bed continued beeping in regular intervals, as Twilight looked down at Rarity's charred body in guilt and shame, mentally preparing herself for a solemn apology.
"Grandpa."
"What the fuck do you want, Billy?"
"I think you skipped a couple parts. Weren't we just at the part where Ponyville was about to save Rar–"
"Shut the fuck up, Samuel. I'll start wherever I damn well please. Now, go fuck yourself, or maybe you can fuck your gay ass Pink Pie bullshit fuck toy over there instead, I don't care, just shut your little whore mouth."
"..."
"Okay, Daniel, now.. where were we? Ahem–"
–as Twilight looked down at Rarity's charred body in guilt and shame, mentally preparing herself for a solemn apology.
"Rarity.. you piece of shit. I'm so fucking sorry I did this to your stupid ass.. I swear, I'll make it up to your bitch ass somehow, you fucking slut... I didn't want all of this bullshit to happen..."
Twilight's eyes began to fill with tears and she began to stutter and sniffle at random intervals.
"I didn't ask for this bullshit curse.. but I guess you usually don't with fucking curses, eh?" Twilight giggled a little, all while still crying. "I will use this stupid ass power... for the greater fucking good. I swear on your fucking whore mouth.. you cunt." She paused for a moment.
"I don't know what is fucking happening to me.. I'm hoping this is some gay ass bullshit dream and I'm going to wake up from it soon..my psyche is aching with guilt right fucking now, but who am I to pretend I have it so damn bad when I caused you to light on fucking fire and almost let your glamorous ass burn to fucking death?"
Rarity did not move an inch, but Twilight was certain that she was listening intently.
"I caused my fucking baby dragon best friend messenger assistant brother son thing to lose his shit all over you, he vomited so much, I thought his stomach would im-fucking-plode. I felt pretty damn bad about the whole shitty thi–"
Twilight had an epiphany, which would cause her apology to be cut short.
"Shit."
Twilight gave Rarity's unconscious body one last hug and grabbed her saddle bag off of the desk next to Rarity's hospital bed.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!"
She sprinted through the halls, down the stairs, which were reserved for emergencies like fires, but she just got done visiting her friend that was on fire, so that was close enough. But she knew she'd have to send an apology letter to the hospital later for taking advantage of their emergency fire stairs so cruelly and thoughtlessly.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!"
Running was out of the question at this point. Twilight broke from her polite jog into a full sprint and rushed through the double doors to the hospital, at which point she swiftly catapulted herself into the air and began to fly full speed ahead towards her castle.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!"
Shit no longer sounded like a word, and the author briefly believed he had just developed dyslexia, because seriously, when you read and type the word "shit" repeatedly, it starts to look like it says "siht."
"Fuck."
Twilight had arrived at her library, finding exactly what she was hoping that she wouldn't find.
Her baby dragon buddy, lying unconscious in a nasty puddle of boiling vomit and jewels.
"Fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit!"
Twilight picked him up, much too worried to even care that he was covered in vomit, and put him on her back and flew as fast as she could back through the double doors and up to the front desk, at which point she used her Royal Canterlot Voice to get somepony's attention.
"Somepony come out here and fix my fucking baby dragon!"
As if on cue, four pegasi nurses came from different directions towards Twilight, nabbed Spike, and flew him as fast as possible to a hospital room. Twilight swiftly followed.
"Princess, I have good news and bad news."
"Give it to me straight as fuck, Doctor."
The doctor was about to ask why he was just cursed at, but decided it wasn't important enough to keep Twilight waiting about Spike.
"The good news is, Spike is going to come out of this okay. He'll just need some treatment and some time."
Twilight nodded to reassure the doctor that she was listening.
"The bad news is, he's overheated his internal oven and, after his vomiting fit, he's suffering from some minor malnutrition."
Twilight blinked. "His internal fucking oven? What's that?"
The doctor looked away from Spike and locked his eyes on Twilight's.
"The internal oven is what allows fire-breathing creatures to, well, breathe fire. It houses the organ system that creates fire breath and encases the heat so that the rest of Spike's innards don't burst into flames. When a dragon uses it too much, it can cause some extreme damage."
Twilight gasped. "Is he gonna be oh-fucking-kay?"
"Yes, he will be safe, as I stated earlier..."
"Oh, thank fucking good–"
"–but he won't be able to breathe fire for a very long time. Probably a couple months."
"Oh, my fuck. That sounds bad."
A nurse walked past Spike's hospital room and let out a quick whistle to gain Twilight's attention.
"Hate to do this to ya, Princess, but visiting hours were over a while ago. You're gonna have to leave soon, mkay?"
Twilight nodded. She thanked the nurse in a very crude manner, and wrapped things up with the doctor within a few seconds. She began to approach the doorway to leave Spike's hospital room.
Before leaving, though, Twilight turned her head around once more and looked at Spike, her face awash with guilt, sadness, and worry.
"Please...please be okay..."
A single tear left her eye.
"...you motherfucker."
Author's Note
I'm actually enjoying writing this for once.
We're Gonna Have to Improvise
Twilight, dejected and saddened, purposelessly trotted into her castle. Looking down at the ground the whole way, she slowly made her way to her bedroom, and then face down onto her mattress.
"...I need to write Celestia about this bullshit."
Twilight flipped onto her back, and after a few moments of thinking, began to speak.
"Spike, take a fucking letter. Dear fucking Celestia, as you might be able to tell, I have a bullshit problem on my hooves. Or, rather, in my fucking shitty cunt potty mouth, damn it. I've had this dumbass bullshit problem since this shitty fucking morning – I can't stop saying this dumb shit." Twilight paused, blinked, and then sighed. "And... I can't even write you because I put my fucking baby dragon in the hospital."
Twilight lashed out in anger all over her bed, repeatedly bucking it and hitting it and screaming.
"Wait... what's the name of this fucking universe again?"
Friendship is Magic
"Oh, yeah fuck. Then I should probably visit my magical fucking friends... that aren't in the ass hospital."
"...and yer goin' to Canterlot, even after you put two of yer closest friends in the hospital?"
Twilight turned to her orange blonde-maned redneck dirty earth pony friend and uttered a simple, "Fuck. I mean, fuck yes."
Each time Twilight would use of the terrible vulgarities, Fluttershy would cringe a little. Rainbow Dash would just snicker at Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie would laugh with Rainbow Dash, because Pinkie Pie was the Element of Laughter, so she laughed even when nothing was funny, because again, she was the literal embodiment of laughter. She laughed at Twilight's grandma's funeral, for Pete's sake. Anyways, that's besides the point.
"Well, we'd be happy to rainbow dash up to Canterlot with you!"
"Why the fuckshit avenue did you just say your own damn fucking stupid gay ass name?"
"Because I'm awesome! YEAH! 20% COOLER!"
"...Shut the fuck up, Rainbow Shitdick."
Rainbow Dash flew in a circle, leaving a rainbow trail behind her. "Rainbow awesomeness! Anyways, Twi, we'd be happy to accompany you to Canterlot, if you'd rainbow like that."
"Stop fucking saying rainbow, you atrocious goat shit."
"Rainbokay!"
Twilight decided that it would be a good idea to just ignore Rainbow Dash from this point on. "Well, we're gonna haul our stupid asses onto the train tomorrow morning, every-FUCKIN-pony, so be at the Friendship Express Station at...let's say...nine o'fuckin'clock?"
Twilight had decided that, since Spike was unable to send a letter in his current state, and since Rarity, an Element of Harmony responsible for the safety of the entire kingdom, was hospitalized, she should go visit Celestia at Canterlot Castle and bring her up to speed on the awkward situation.
Little did Twilight know, the potty-mouthed curse that had tainted her entire vocabulary would soon be responsible for the [The SPB (Spoiler Prevention Bureau) has regulated and chosen to censor this content for your reading pleasure. Thank you!]
Tick tick tick.
Twilight was beginning to become very impatient.
It was 9:01, and her friends were nowhere to be found.
She could hear the clock tower at the train station, slowly inching forward into the future, as she royally decreed that the train must, quote-unquote, "be fucking held for my dumbass tardy ass piece-of-shit friends who are taking all fucking day."
I don't understand why my fucking cuntmouthed cockfingers twatcake friends would fucking do this kind of gay ass horse shit, she thought to herself.
She looked at a mare getting on board the train, and watched her expression go from ordinary to somewhat dissatisfied as the conductor informed her that the Princess had ordered the train be held over. When the mare boarded the train, Twilight took notice to the way her flanks so graciously swayed back and forth, how her trail blew so beautifully in the wind, how her cutie mark of three pieces of penny candy so beautifully complimented her coat and her tail.
I bet that ass is as sweet as a bonbon. Oh, fuck...
Twilight's eyelids slowly closed and her mind began to wander...
Tick tick tick.
Twilight's eyes impatiently sprung open and she craned her neck in the opposite direction to check the time.
9:02.
Tick tick tick. That's the sound of her life running out. Her valuable time, perhaps time that could be used to prevent some big impending disaster or something. Who knows what could be coming? Rarity is hospital-ridden as is Spike, and now Equestria is without its most vital form of protection?
Twilight looked back at the object of her affection, but Bon Bon appeared to have disappeared from sight, completely. Who knows what may have happened to her? Twilight had to rescue her! Her life could be in danger... the object of her attention, her future fuck toy...
Then Twilight saw her in the window, and remembered that she was here in the first place to board the train.
She sighed at her melodramatic Rarity moment, facehoofed and decided to go on about her fantasizing.... oh, Bon Bo-
"Heya, Twilight, we made it!"
Twilight's eyelids burst open to reveal her bloodshot eyes, and she exhaled roughly and flared her nostrils as if she was about to kick Applejack's ass for interrupting her fantasies. She hadn't gotten laid in many an eon. Okay, maybe eon is a slight exaggeration, but whatever.
Twilight gestured towards the clock tower atop the train station and screamed, "You're fucking late! You're three entire damn fucking shitty minutes late! That's greater than one hundred and eighty but lesser than two hundred and forty seconds fucking late, you gay piece of shit redneck farming earth pony scumfuck!!"
Applejack veered her neck back suddenly, as if intimidated, because she was intimidated.
"Now... let's get on the fucking train and go visit the fucking princess."
Finally, after a long and exhausting train ride, our heroes arrived in Canterlot. Twilight was able to see the palace from the train station.
"Um.. Twilight.. are you.. okay?" meeped Fluttershy with her tiny, inferior, incompetent, shitty, faggotish, waste-of-sound-waves voice.
"Does it look like I'm fucking okay?"
"Well, that's the thing, sugarcube," said Applejack in her lower-class Southern accent that simply screamed "I have the right to bear arms and stand my ground against all dark-coated ponies. "You're sorta..."
"You're glowing and stuff!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash, who was being so completely honest with Twilight, she clearly was fit to hold the title of the Element of ~~Honesty~~ Loyalty.
Twilight hadn't noticed until her completely honest friend pointed out that her coat was clearly emitting a bright lavender light, and her mane was flowing graciously in the wind, shimmering in the sunlight, much like Luna and Celestia's manes.
Speaking of Celestia...
"Fuck you, girls, I need to have a little shit-shat with the fucking princess!" Twilight took off in flight like a rocket towards the palace, breaking the sound barrier as she did so, leaving a beautiful trail of magenta and violet behind her as she did. Yet, she was so dead set on completing her task, it had completely slipped past her notice.
Twilight smashed through the windows into the palace and was greeted with the familiar scent of-
"Dude, man, did you see that fairy bunny over there phase through the walls into the castle?" The mare who had just spoken could then be heard taking a deep breath, followed by a blissful exhale with a couple coughs sprinkled in.
Weed.
Having heard the glass breaking, Luna had entered the palace to see her sister's faithful student and the pothead herself both having what looked like a very uncomfortable chat.
Celestia was wearing a messy bun, a black hoodie, and was sitting on her throne, her eyes bloodshot and a joint being held no more than an inch from her face with magic. She started to laugh uncontrollably, and then she slumped over the arm of her chair, suddenly relaxed.
"This stuff is the.. stuff.. is the... is the stuff, man," said Celestia psychedelically.
Fucking typical, thought Twilight. Celestia had been a pothead since Twilight was enrolled in her school, probably for longer than that. In fact, rumor has it that she was so high during Luna's banishment, she actually didn't realize her own sister was banished until the night before the thousandth Summer Sun Celebration, at which point she cried because she realized she hadn't seen her sister in a thousand years. But then she felt better because she got high again.
What, are you telling me that none of you other bronies and pegasisters have ever questioned why Princess Celestia is so calm, mellow, and laid-back all the time?
I thought it was obvious from episode 101.
I mean, seriously, she is in mortal danger so often and always keeps a cool head. The only time she has ever once gotten even somewhat riled up was when she fought (and lost to) Chrysalis. She obviously couldn't channel her magic because she was so blazed, her mind was in a thousand different places.
Geez, you guys must not be very observant.
Anyways, the princess fell asleep as I was explaining this. Probably shouldn't have taken so long.
"Ah, shit," said Twilight.
Luna looked at her snoozing celestial sister and at her sister's superstar student.
"What seems to be the problem, Twilight?"
Twilight looked at Luna, then back at her mentor, then back at Luna again. "I don't know why I ever thought of trying to ask this stupid fucking dumbass why my tongue has been cursed with cursing, damn it. This wasn't the fucking plan at all! I wanted to tell her that Equestria can't fucking protect itself because Rarity landed her dumb ass in the hospital! I couldn't even write her a fucking stupid ass whore shit fuck slut letter because Spike, with his stupid scaly ass, is also in the hospital!"
Luna looked at Twilight, who was so angry, her skin appeared to be seething. "Well, what is your plan to rid yourself of the Curse of Curse now, Twilight Sparkle?"
Twilight's rage finally began to simmer down somewhat. She calmly let herself fall to the floor. The glow she had been emitting disappeared along with her anger, as well as her magical Celestia-esque mane, which had returned to normal. She let out a long sigh and brought her left forehoof to her chest, then calmly let it move away from her, exhaling as she did so.
"I fucking guess we're gonna have to improvise." Twilight took off to the Castle of the Two Sisters to do some homework on the situation at hand. Or would it be the situation at hoof? I don't know, why does Twilight not know what hands are in Equestria Girls? Like, she may not have hands, but you think she'd be smart enough to know what they are. I mean, Spike has hands! Why does he call them claws? I'm fairly sure claws are just the talons on the tips of the finger connected to the hands. I mean-
"Grandpa?"
"What in fuck's fuck do you fucking want, Cody, you gay pony-fucking shitstain on the universe?"
"Why is the author being so unprofessional and unfocused and bad right now?"
"Because, Thomas, he's a dumb fraud like you, pretending to be a human, when really he's just some pink-loving faggot who likes to stick his dick in horses... like you."
"Why are you so cruel to me, Grandpa? ;-;"
"Because, Gregory, I simply don't like you. Kill yourself!"
The boy cried. No one liked him because he liked cartoon ponies. He was ostracized and stigmatized and rejected from normal society. He was fat. He was gay. He would still live in his mom's basement when he was 34. In fact, even when he was 37 and nine months and three weeks and two days. Girls found him so repulsive, they literally stabbed him whenever he tried to so much as even acknowledge their existence through his peripheral vision. Mosquitoes wouldn't even bite him, because they didn't want to catch the ghey. He was so fucking repulsive that inanimate objects even backed away from him. His bed once rejected him, he was so fat. He tried laying in it, but it grew arms and hands and it broke his knees and threw him out the window. All because he was a brony. This is what brony haters believe. This is actually what brony haters believe.
Anyways, back to the book. The old crusty piece of shit opened the book to some random page...
Twilight wished that she'd owned an acoustic guitar. She also wishes she knew how to play the guitar. She also took a moment to contemplate how it was possible for any hornless pony to play an instrument based entirely upon coordination of some variety of opposable digi-
"Grandpa!"
"What is it, Lucas, you vile creature of the darkness?!"
"Fucking die! You just started reading from the first page!"
"What did you say to me, Andrew, you little piece of fucking shit?! I'm going to go outside and grab one of your mother's thorned roses from her garden, and I am going to fucking lodge it so far up your anus, your rectum will cry for mercy as I deliver the most cruel and unusual punishment that any abusive elderly person has ever seen! Then, Anthony, I'm not going to kill you. No, Scott, I'm going to watch as you suffer as I fuck you with a cheese grater, and then I'm going to laugh at you as I use my bare hands to literally tear out your rectum! How do you like that, James?!"
The boy became so fed up with his grandpa's bullshit, he grabbed the inconspicuously placed butcher knife that he kept in midair hidden in an invisibility cloak, and he tackled his grandfather to the floor, holding the knife to his throat.
"What do you have to say now, asshole?"
His grandpa's hair suddenly glowed yellow and stood on end, and he began to float in midair as his entire body shone an intense shade of yellow.
"Let me tell you what I'm saiyan!"
Okay, I'm gonna try to take this book and sneak out of the room. I'm a third-person omniscient narrator, so we can finish this book without their tussle becoming a problem for us. Okay, let me just grab it out of Grandpa's rocking ch-
Just as the other narrator laid his hand upon the incredibly enticing storybook, a great cerulean ball of flame shot at it from the opposite side of the room, rendering the book to naught but a pile of ash.
Ah, fuck.
The embodiment of the wise voice turned in the opposite direction to find that the boy was now wearing a white robe, as well as a sleek red headband and a black belt.
"Shoryuken!" shouted the boy as he swiftly delivered an uppercut to his grandpa's chin, knocking out the two teeth that he had left. Much to the old man's surprise, it didn't end there. The boy continued to briefly ascend into the air, his fist still in direct contact with his elder's chin, until finally the boy started to fall back to the floor. His grandpa fell to the floor as well, the expression on his face still just as ogreconfident as it was when he went super saiyan.
"Kill yourself!" The old man took the hands of his grandson in his own, then used the youth's hands as a weapon to kill him. He tried to use the boy's own hands to strangle him to death, but to no avail as the boy utilized his Rocket Fart™ to send himself and his grandpa flying out of the window like a rocket. They could be seen flying off into the distance briefly, until they started to approach the ogredramatic horizon of the sunset. After a few seconds, they could be seen no more, leaving behind naught but the vile odor of gas expelled from the boys's anus. The gaseous anal expulsion was a rank stench, indeed.
Hey, Green Narrator.
Yes?
I just realized that the book was burned to shreds.
Ah... that is most unfortunate. I fear we will, from here on out, be incapable of finishing the story!
Yeah.
The end...?
No.
Well, Green Narrator, I think we're gonna have to improvise if we're ever gonna see the end of this story.
I know Twilight Sparkle just said we're gonna have to improvise, but now she's actually going to have to improvise. Now that she is free from the almighty shackles of text known as "words" which controlled her every action, perhaps she will now be able to utilize her free will to really and truly improvise.
Let us travel to the land of Equestria...
Narrator warp! GO!!
Twilight left the palace of the pony province's pothead princess when suddenly, a giant burst of magic of unknown origin could be seen above all of Equestria. The wave was no color, but it was clear that magic was at work, and anyone could have guessed from the ripples throughout the air, skies, and every object and pony across the land. Of course, this did not escape Twilight's notice and she acknowledged it with a very loud–
"What the flying horse fuck?!"
All of the nobles and upper class townsfolk in the city quickly averted their gaze from the magical ripples and fixated their eyes on one giant, screaming mutual focus point: Twilight.
The judgmental upper-class ponies all murmured and snickered at the potty-mouthed alicorn princess. She frowned at all of them, and cringed at the fact that ponies could be so disrespectful to people just because they were wealthy, and that they hoarded their wealth, not giving a single bit away to starving fillies and colts, those selfish money-stealing fucks, can't give a single bit back to society at all, can they?! Why, she oughta–
"Fuck you up the asshole with a screwdriver while filing your nails with a damn bone saw!"
Twilight suddenly began to lose her balance, as did the other ponies around her. The sky began to flash light and dark repeatedly and another magical surge burst out, this time directly from the point where Twilight was standing, and it created more ripples in the air and knocked Twilight off of her hooves, right onto her face. After a few second, the magic waves stopped.
"Aaaah... fuck." Twilight finally used her forehooves to pick herself up from the dirty ground after a few moments. A unicorn mare in the back of the crowd surrounding Twilight suddenly let out a blood-curdling shriek, as did the other ponies in the crowd right after. Pure pony pandemonium broke out within a few seconds and Twilight was completely confused as to why.
After a few moments of standing calmly still looking for signs of disaster, Twilight spotted five mares minus one white unicorn breaking through the commotion to head towards her.
"Girls, what the bloody assfuck is going on in this snotty fucking town?"
"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh, TWILIGHT! You HAVE to come see this! There's this super cool hole in the center of town! It's like, oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO! And it's like so awesome and like there's nothing in it but maybe it goes to another universe and–"
"It's an anomaly in space, our universe is basically fucked..." muttered the inferior butterscotch pony, who needs to kill herself before she puts others in danger.
Twilight used her magic to zip up both Fluttershy's and Pinkie Pie's mouths. While she was at it, she decided to rip out one of Fluttershy's teeth before she zipped her mouth shut, just for funsies with friendsies.
"Okay, you stupid hoes, let's get to the fucking dead ass center of town, you wailing cuntbags!" Twilight began to gallop down to the center of Canterlot immediately to scout for the problem.
Well, this was bad.
Twilight had never seen anything like it in all of her years of studying books about anomalies in space.
Right where the statue of Chancellor Puddinghead had once stood, there was now a giant gaping hole in the ground.
But it was no normal hole.
Everything in that particular space was gone, and all that was there was a jagged shape, that was the color white and nothing else. It did not produce light, nor was it dark on the inside.
A few brave ponies, as well as the Mane Si- er, Five, remained walking around and observing the strange abnormality that had randomly appeared.
It was as if Equestria was naught but a piece of paper, and someone ripped a little piece of paper out right in this particular spot, leaving nothing but... a blank, empty spot. Which, technically, seeing as the space that was once present in that particular spot has literally been stripped from the material plane, means that nothing exists there, nothing can exist, and technically, the "space" does not exist.
It was just one big fucking problem, waiting to happen.
"I have feared this day for many an eon."
Twilight turned around to notice that Luna's formidable presence was now standing directly above her own. Upon seeing her, she jumped a little, then crouched down, seeing as Luna was basically right on top of her.
"Twilight, you must come with me. There is a lot of explaining to be done if our world shan't be reduced to naught but a smoldering white emptiness."
Twilight nodded, deciding not to say something vulgar, and she followed Luna, as well as her friends.
Twilight had found herself in this beautiful room about 10 minutes ago, and her mouth was still gaping in sheer awe at the great sight to behold.
It was the largest library she had ever seen, and–
"Holy fucking shit."
Well said, Twilight. Well said.
Holy fucking shit, indeed, the library was perhaps 20 stories tall, and was as long as, well, she couldn't really tell, because she couldn't even see the opposite edge of the book bonanza. Luna was staring out of a window as Twilight stood behind her, and the other four were simply exploring the library.
"Okay, okay.. o-fucking-kay, so Luna, why in fuck's shit-coated dick did you call me here?"
"Twilight... we have a problem," said Luna as she glared out of the window of her secret hidden library.
"And what the fuck is said problem?"
Luna looked at Twilight grimly, and Twilight was taken slightly aback.
"Due to forces beyond our control..."
Twilight looked up at Luna attentively, her unnaturally huge eyes creeping the shit out of Luna.
Luna turned back around and looked back out the window, because she knew that Twilight wasn't prepared for what would come next.
"The world we live in... is... surreal."
Twilight angled her head a bit, making a very kawaii face as a question mark appeared above her head.
"You see.. this world, as far as I know, is... a book. Everything that you know, have done, have forgotten, or any of the like, is all in control of an ancient text that the Equestria Ancients know only as..."
Luna suddenly cocked her head back to look at Twilight really intensely.
"The prophecy."
Twilight did nothing. She continued to stare as if in a trance.
"Little do you know, you have no free will. Neither do I. Me and my sister have had to live for thousands of years, knowing that the future is set in stone for us, laid about by someone almighty and powerful, and, ideally, cruel."
Twilight's face had become visibly paler.
"Every event that has, is, and will happen has been laid out by the prophecy. We can not change the prophecy, and the prophecy makes our decisions."
Twilight looked like she had just lost all the color in her coat. "So... I'm.. not.. I'm not fucking real? I'm not a real damn pony with free fuckin' will and an actual dumbass life? My whole fucking life is just... a plan?"
Luna looked back at Twilight and snorted a little bit.
"Not anymore."
Twilight's ears perked up a bit at the prospect of not being some otherworldly being's playtoy. "Wait, what the hell do you mean by, 'Not anymore?'"
Luna turned her whole body around to look at Twilight. "I'm not sure, exactly. All I know for sure is, the magic surge from earlier was a direct result of some sort of... change to the prophecy."
Twilight looked more interested than ever. "And that fucking change is?"
"There doesn't appear to be one."
Twilight stood up and clapped her hooves and cheered giddily.
"But, there's a problem with that." Twilight stopped immediately.
"You see, like I had said earlier, this world's past, present, and future was mapped out completely by this great and powerful text. In other words, this world was crafted specifically to carry out the will of whoever wrote this prophecy. But now, since the prophecy is, well, gone..."
Twilight's eyes drooped. "Well, I'll be damned, there's always fucking more!" exclaimed Twilight as she stomped her forehooves on the floor of the library, almost foaming through her teeth.
Luna grimaced.
"This universe, now rendered useless by the absence of its only purpose, will soon cease to exist."
Author's Note
Did anyone catch the Dexter reference?
By the way, when I was writing this, it started getting REALLY intense and so I removed the Random tag and added the Adventure tag, because, well, when you write a story without any structure and suddenly, it starts to put itself together, you get into the zone.
Which is what I found out today, by the way.
Woof, woof, so while this story makes no real sense, its stupidity is actually starting to make sense and come together, and well, as a writer, I got into the zone for the first time.
So I'm excited!
I'm looking more forward to writing this story than ever.
I am also deathly afraid to publish this chapter. Please, leave criticism, whether positive or negative, but please, make it constructive, because I don't know how bad this is.
Also, I am usually really hardcore with grammar but I'd have to say I'm only an okay typist. So, if you're that guy, please highlight every grammar/punctuation/spelling mistake ever, so I can hit myself for it. Thanks for reading!
Oh, and also watch out for inconsistencies. For instance, as I proofread, I found that I had accidentally given Rarity dialogue in Canterlot, even though she's hospitalized. So, thank you all for reading my dumbass story.
