Chapters Ramirez in Equestria.
Defend Burgertown, Ramirez, Defend giant magic portal, Ramirez. That’s what they allllways said. Look where it got me now. I’m somewhere new, a forest. After checking my packs I still had my m16, 4 magazines, 2 frag grenades, and a predator missile targeting computer.
I got up slowly, wary about any injuries sustained. Remembering what happened was blurry. My squad was defending a giant magic portal in the Pentagon from Nazi zombies or something. Suddenly I had tripped and was thrown into the portal, and now I was here.
I tried to give myself a few reassuring words, but I couldn’t make any sound. I grabbed my throat frantically, yet my voice didn’t come out in its suave manliness. Normally I wasn’t the talkative type, but this was ridiculous.
Standing on two legs I gripped my gun tightly, wary of any Russians or Nazis who might be around. Something rustled in the bushes. Quick-scoping with my Red Dot Sight- Golden Camouflage M16, which glistened in the sun, I took aim at the bush. A small, yellow and pink… NAZI CAME RUSHING OUT OF THE BUSH.
RAMIREZ, MAKE NAZI FRIENDS came rushing into my head. Against all instinct, I shouldered my gun and robotically walked up to the small Nazi. She looked up at me with much fear and worry. I extended a hand to it.
“H-hello?” she squeaked. I stood stoically and continued to hold my hand out to her. “D-do you need, uh, help?”
Move the joystick up and down to nod I did so.
“Uhm, okay. Just follow me,” she said as she took into the air like a predator drone. I went into crouch for this stealth mission and followed the flying pony out of the forest and into town. Somewhere in between we had to stop for a quick loading session, but after that we were on our way.
All through town I kept spotting more and more of the ponies about. Each of them had next to no camouflage with which to blend into the environment. Luckily, crouching made me invisible to them. Eventually the pony brought me to a large tree with a house on the inside.
Inside the house held a new pony; this one was purple with pink stripes in her mane and tail. Did she know where my squad was? IF only I had never been thrown through this awful magic portal! I was just one day from retirement… to see my wife and kids at home. Without their father, who would support them and raise them to become men? Even the girls needed to become men. My heart ached with the thought of them growing up alone in a harsh and cruel world.
“Fluttershy, what is that?” asked the unicorn? I would have let out a gasp if my voice had worked. My cover was blown. Jumping out of the crouch and leaping into the air while spinning 360 degrees I fired randomly. I landed two headshots on the clearly terrorist ponies.
Landing on the ground I turned my gun from left to right rapidly, hoping there wasn’t any reinforcements. I checked my magazine, only used two bullets. It was time to reload. The familiar click of the magazine sliding home filled me with a sense… of home.
Ramirez, take out the town came the voice in my head. Nodding, I took out the predator missile targeting computer and popped it open. I was now in the eye of a missile barreling down on the terrorist compound I was now in. The missile came closer and closer. These terrorists feared my 15th level prestige prowess!
*Boom*
I forgot that the predator missile doesn’t damage architecture! After I closed the laptop and put it behind me I sighed, I needed 23 more kills to get the nuke. Quickly opening the door into the bright communist/terrorist day I spied many a-target. I let loose with a flurry of noob-killing rounds. I heard the familiar ring of the nuclear launch codes being given to a lowly rifleman.
Grasping the launch button I always held in my bag I gave a mournful look at the sky. It looked full of waiting dreams. Dreams of those who would do great things one day. After I pressed the button it was full of a mushroom cloud.
THE END.
Tony Hawk, pro skater
One day, in Equestria, the clouds in the sky parted and grinding the air to the grounds of Canterlot came Tony Hawk, Pro Skater.
“Hark,” he said, “I have travelled long and far for a land that would hold my moves that are truly sick.” The great ruler Celestia came before him.
“Who are you?” she asked. Tony let out an endearing smile, winning the hearts of the entire crowd. “Oh, I’m sorry.”
“It is okay, my child. I only wish to find a place where I can show the most brutal of moves on my board. Do you know of such a place? After my years of grinding have I finally reached it?”
“What are these moves of which you speak?” asked Celestia. Tony nodded his head and donned his helmet. Of all pro skaters, he knew that safety truly was important. With a running lunge he began to ride his board over the cobblestone streets of Canterlot. Starting off with a 720 kickflip he dazzled the crowd. He ollied onto a railing and began a righteous chain of 50-50s and Forward Boardslides. Finally he landed back in front of Celestia.
“These are the moves I speak of. Earth can no longer support me and my moves. I required somewhere new,” he exclaimed. Celestia bowed her head lightly.
“We shall begin the construction of a skate park; one that can match the glory of the Hawk.” She ran off and gathered her architects. Yet Tony was not happy.
“I know what I need,” he muttered, “I must acquire a bodacious babe with which I can share the radical-ness of my moves.” Using his mighty Hawk Powers, he started to search for a babe of appropriate levels.
One day as he rode into a small town, not too far from Canterlot, he saw her. She was the epitome of bodacious. He manualed up to her and went to one knee.
“My babe, I must beseech you. Will you, in fact, be my babe?” he asked. The pegasus, whose name was Rainbow Dash, looked at him puzzled.
“Why should I do that? You don’t seem so have the x-factor I need in mate,” she replied.
“Fly me into the air and drop me, I shall show you x-factor.” She did so. At one thousand feet she dropped the pro skater. At first he did nothing, but then, he began to corkscrew, 180, 360, 1080, 2058, his spins became faster and faster. Then he began to increase his game.
Watermelons and Japan Airs graced the skies of Equestria that day. Anyone who saw would have told of the days for generations to come. He landed in front of the flabbergasted pegasus.
“That… was… awesome!” she exclaimed. He nodded slowly.
“Will you do it, Rainbow Dash? Will you be my babe?” She leapt at him and held him tightly.
“Of course I will!” This pleased the Hawk.
It took two days for Celestia to find The Hawk and Rainbow practicing together.
“It is done,” she said.
“Show me,” muttered Tony. She showed him. She had constructed a half-pipe that extended 2 miles into the air, but that was the least of the skate park. It also included an empty pool the size of oceans, and plenty of ramps and inverts.
“This pleases me, Celestia.” Tony grabbed his board and all three flew to the stop of the half-pipe. Twilight was there already.
“Tony, I have to warn you!” she yelled.
“What is it, bro?” he asked.
“According to my studies, the awesome index included with righteousness means that the moves you make on this pipe will be too sick!” He rubbed her head a little.
“I can contain the sickness, I know I can.” Tony took his place at the lip of the pipe. Rainbow flew up to him and planted a gnarly kiss on him. Tony began the descent. He picked up speed faster and faster. Soon he attained the speed that few skaters know, the speed which can only be described as mad sketchy.
Tony felt the intense urge to bail, but he held through until the rise. His sketchy speed held and soon he was rocketing towards space. It was time for Tony to unleash the gnarliest trick of all. A Boneless No Comply with a 50000 kick flip mixed with a pop-shove-it and an Impossible.
As he completed the miraculous trick, everything disappeared. The known universe was not ready for a trick of such power, such radicalness, and such righteousness.
Starkiller(Dear Thebronywithin; so sorry.)
My mission to investigate the dimensional rift for Vader proves fruitless. Only a few weaklings fighting for control over the Soul Edge. In the end it was a worthless trinket. At least none of them would be getting it, not after I finished with them.
My ship was approaching the rift again, this time it would bring me back into Imperial space, where I would return to my master. Scans indicated the rift was closing slowly. It loomed in front of my craft, dark and terrible. Full of infinite malice. I pulled back the throttle and rapidly sped through the hole in reality.
Shapes and colors not never seen by mortals whizzed past my ship, bending and gleaming in impossible ways. Finally light overtook the darkness as I entered real space. Briefly my navigation computers mapped out the closest stars and began to triangulate my position. It beeped softly, rupturing the silence.
Position unknown. Habitable planet within 10 parsecs. Preparing course[\i], spat the computer. This planet better know where I am, else it feel my wrath, I thought blackly. I gave a look to the view behind me, the rift was gone. It was a one way trip now. My ship’s drives jumped into warp; sending me barreling across the galaxy.
***
Trixie hadn’t been to Canterlot in a long time. Today she was there to get some magical assistants for her show; sadly she had yet to find anyone of her caliber to perform with her. The Great and Powerful Trixie had just stepped out of a local sandwich shop when she looked into a sky and noticed something strange.
A sleek, black ship was descending over the city. Something leapt out and fell with incredible speeds to the ground. It landed in the courtyard in front of her; pavement cracking under the pressure exerted on landing. She approached cautiously as other ponies around her ran.
“Who are you?” she questioned. The strange creature looked at her, anger in his very being.
“Me? I’m DARTH STARKILLER, ruler of the galaxy!” he yelled triumphantly. He grabbed one of the two sticks he held at his belt. “Tell me how to get to Coruscant.” Trixie looked at him stunned.
“What’s…? Trixie has never heard of a Coruscant before,” she said. She looked at him with one eye, “you are funny, join my show.”
“A sith-jedi-master does not do shows!” Starkiller ignited his lightsaber and gripped it in his special style.
“Yes you do! Let’s fight to see who is the most powerful!” Screamed Trixie, unknowing of the powers the dark jedi possessed. Starkiller growled in affirmation. Trixie let out a pitiful, pony roar and her horn started to glow and let loose of a stream of sparkles at the jedi.
He yelled in pain as the colorful sparkles showered against him. Feeling the Force within himself, he used the same power able to crush battlestations to destroy the tiny pony.
She continued to glare at him, not fazed at all.
“What is this sorcery?” he asked. He ran at the blue and silver unicorn, ready to unleash a death of plasma from his twin lightsabers. Trixie ducked under the spinning blades and nudged him a little. Starkiller let out a grunt. “How are you so powerful?”
Trixie looked unsure, “I am the great and powerful Trixie…” she said awkwardly.
“ARE YOU READY?” he asked, “FOR… THE FINAL BLOW?” Starkiller began to focus all his energy into the great power of the Force he controlled. Lightning arced from his fingertips and traced its way to the unicorn. Trixie’s body shuddered and began to rise into the air.
“Ready, it DOESN’T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT!” Trixie’s horn began to glow and the lightning stopped halfway in the air. The world was silent as the two gazed angrily at each other. Suddenly the lightning in the air began to leap hungrily back at Starkiller.
“Uncle! Uncle!”
“I knew you’d see it my way,” smirked Trixie, looking eagerly at her new assistant.
***
“And that’s,” says producer Wince Kudirka, “is the trailer for Force Unleashed 3. What do you think?” The assembled crowd of programmers and managers looked in utter terror.
“I think,” said the president of Lucas Arts,” that you are fired.”
Spock And Rarity
“Captain, there appears to be a large surge of tachyons in this sector. Perhaps it would be best to delay the transportation,” Spock said logically. Captain Kirk waved him off.
“Spock, you can’t just... delay a... teleportation,” Kirk replied. “Let me... go down first. I’ll... give the all clear.” Kirk stepped onto the teleporter and gave a nod to Scotty.
“Hay we go, captain,” Scotty said, his accent thick. He began to power up the console, and plugged in the target coordinates.
“Captain, please reconsider,” Spock pleaded.
“No, Spock, this... must be done.”
“Ah’m all set, captain,” Scotty chimed in. Kirk gave him a nod. The teleporter glowed an iridescent white and Kirk shimmered away into nothingness. A few minutes passed.
“This is Kirk to Enterprise, I’ve.... landed on the planet. See, Spock... nothing to worry about.” Spock shrugged and took a position where Kirk has been standing previously. Scotty began his work at the console. Soon the same white glow came over the teleporters panels. Spock felt himself being torn apart.
The planet the Enterprise was orbiting was a small, red planet with a few Klingon outposts, at least, that’s what Spock remembered it was. The area he found himself in was a small town, reminiscent of Earth architecture. It was late at night, and getting colder.
“I require shelter for the night,” he reasoned. Spock looked around and spied a large building with ornate decorations. He trudged over to the building and peered inside. From the lack of light, he could see nothing. When he tried the doors he found them unlocked.
Spock pushed his way inside and drew his phaser, setting it to stun. He was a pacifist, and did not wish to see anyone hurt. Spock heard a noise upstairs. Quietly he began to creep up the stairway. Down the hallway on the left was a door left ajar, light poured from it. Peering inside, Spock saw a strange sight. There was a pure white unicorn sipping water that she held aloft in the air without even holding it. The unicorn looked at him and let out a small shriek.
“W-who are you?” Spock walked into the room, hands behind his back to hide the phaser.
“I am Spock of the U.S.S. Enterprise. I landed on this planet and required shelter from the cold night. I hope I am not intruding,” Spock quipped.
“I-- uh, oh...” she fainted with a heavy thud. Spock walked up to her and picked her up, noting her soft fur and mane. He then gently placed her on the bed.
“Spock to Enterprise, I’ve met a strange creature. Do you copy?” Only static responded his calls. Something walked into the room behind him. Spock turned quickly and pointed the phaser at the smaller white unicorn in front of him.
“Who are you?” asked the new pony.
“I am Spock of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Do you know this pony here?” Spock asked.
“Yeah I do! That’s my sister, Rarity. I’m Sweetie Belle. What are you doing?”
“I was talking to her and she fainted from surprise.” Sweetie Belle hopped on the bed and nuzzled Rarity’s cheek.
“She’s just a drama queen. Look,” Sweetie said. Rarity was stirring.
“Oh my, what happened?” Rarity asked as she sat up. She looked at Spock. “You... and your shirt... are real?” Spock nodded. “I simply love that shirt.”
“Do you mind if I stay the night? I am not able to contact my ship,” Spock explained. Rarity nodded excitedly.
“Of course you can,” she said to Spock. She turned to Sweetie, “Go to bed.” Sweetie sight and walked back to her room. Rarity’s horn glowed, shutting and locking the door quickly. “Heehee, you can stay in here... with that shirt.”
“That seems illogical, miss Rarity,” Spock said.
“Nonsense, take off your pants and get into bed,” Rarity said, the tension in her voice rising.
“Miss Rarity, I canno-” He began to explain until Rarity’s magic tore the pants off him and thrust him into the bed.
“Now, my dear Spock, let’s get into the shirt.” Rarity’s head lowered until it was at the neck of Spock’s shirt. She started to nibble at it. “Is this doing it for you?” This was not doing it for Spock at all, as he did not feel sexual emotions.
“Rarity, I must insist,” he pleaded. Rarity put a soft hoof to his mouth.
“Shh, honey bear. Let momma take care of this,” she moaned as she licked the stitching in his shirt. She started to knead his muscled under the uniform. Rarity’s soft fur muffled Spock’s attempts to complain. He reached for the phaser on the bed. It had been cast aside during the attack.
“Don’t try and struggle, my little spocky-wocky-pointy-eared-lovey-bunny,” Rarity cooed into Spock’s insignia. Spock’s hand gripped the phaser and pointed it at Rarity. The green laser knocked her off him. Spock leapt from the bed and ran down the hallway and out of the door.
Something stood in front of him, blocking the street.
“I know what you did,” it said, walking closer and closer.
“Who are you?” Spock asked logically. The thing stepped into the dim light. It was Spike the whole time.
“You made it with Rarity, now prepare to die!” The young dragon flew at Spock who had no time to react. Spike’s lethal flames burnt Spock to a crisp.Spike started to laugh and reached up to his head. Pulling off the mask he revealed... Q from the Q continuum.
“He never knew,” Q giggled. as he reached up to his head and pulled off the mask, revealing... DISCORD, GOD OF CHAOS.
“That I was really...,” Discord said as he reached to his head and pulled off the mask revealing...
A phone. Spike was phone the whole time.
(To IronPudding(A not tasty pudding))
Legolas
Legolas, after years of living in Middle- Earth after the fall of Sauron, decided that it was time to move on, to go to the lands of Valinor where he could live in peace and quiet. The boat glided through the mists of the seas. Legolas was getting slightly nervous; he had decided to take the journey alone, but he had never heard of the journey taking so long.
A week of sailing in what seemed to be circle, Legolas saw an outline of what me the majestic Elf city of… Pittsburg. However, as he drew closer, he realized it was not so. Instead of sweeping elvish vistas, he saw stone architecture reminiscent of the human cities he left behind. He was reminded slightly of Minas Tirath.
The boat pulled up close to the shore as close as he could before hitting the banks. Cautiously he grabbed his faithful bow and quiver before disembarking.
“What is this strange land?” he wondered aloud. The grass felt different to him, and the whispering of the trees was ominously gone. “I can feel Sauron’s corruption here.” Legolas looked around the small town he was in. Stone buildings surrounded him for as far as he could see in the mists.
“This is not the land of Valinor…” he muttered bleakly, luxurious blond hair blowing in the wind. His steps echoed through the streets, his normal lofty elvish strides missing. He heard a conversation in the street adjacent to him, as if around the corner. Throwing his back to the wall he knocked an arrow and pulled the string back. Peering around the corner, he saw something truly horrifying.
In front of him stood two small, pastel equines. They chatted lazily, unaware of the elf around the corner. Legolas pulled his head back and began to think. What sort of magic has corrupted my ancestor’s once great home? Worried about the true meaning of the ponies, he leapt around the corner and approached the ponies.
“My friends, what caused this transformation? Why are you now ponies?” he asked. The ponies looked at each other blankly.
“Uh, we’ve always been ponies,” said one.
“Surely not!” Legolas yelled.
The other one chimed in, “it is so, and we’ve just always been ponies. Also, don’t call me Shirley.” Worried, Legolas began to get sweaty.
“But… but… the elves…,” he trailed off bleakly.
“Do you know where you are? Do you need an adult?” Legolas nodded, this was getting hard. The two ponies lead him to a castle. They claimed their princesses lived there. In the throne room sat a brilliant, white pony.
“I am Celestia,” she declared, “who are you?”
“I am Legolas of the Woodland Realms. I came seeking my kind’s land of Valinor. Upon what land have I landed?”
“You have landed in Equestria, but I must ask, how did you get here?”
“I arrived at the shoreline of the city,” Legolas said confidently. Celestia looked blankly for a minute.
“We don’t have a shoreline. This city is built on a mountain. Perhaps you should-“ Legolas cut her off.
“It must be Sauron’s taint!” Legolas whipped out his bow and fire and arrow indiscriminately. Time seemed to slow down as the arrow hit an orc that appeared from nowhere. “See?” The orc, being too far away for any normal thing to see, was irrelevant.
“No, I don’t,” said Celestia.
“Then it must be a Balrog. I can see it with my elf eyes!” Legolas fired another arrow, hitting a balrog no one else could see and felling it.
“What are you doing? Stop shooting your bow in my throne room,” demanded Celestia.
“Horse, I’m sexy,” Legolas said with a cocky smile. Celestia just stared.
“Are you okay?” asked Celestia.
“Okay doesn’t even begin to describe it…. I’m… sexy!” Legolas struck a pose that could only be described as a lady-killer. It was so successful that is was also a man-killer. Celestia was too close to the pose that she was immediately in love with the elf. Even the male guards in the room became hopelessly lost in his stunning blue eyes.
“Time for stunts,” said Legolas as he jumped out of the stained glass windows, shattering them into millions of pieces. As Legolas started to slide down arches of the castle the glass reflected the light, throwing bright colors onto the stunning elf. The elf knocked a few more arrows and let loose on some pottery, display unrivaled prowess in archery.
As Legolas hit the ground, he made a terrible realization. None of the events that were happening to him were canon. His world was being torn asunder by the errant writings of some novice.
“This shall not do!” he screamed as he ran to the boat which was near the shore of Canterlot. His boat sailed quickly away from the mysterious lands due to northerly winds.
Ronald Reagan
Somewhere in the White House:
*Ring Ring*
“Oh no, the Reagan phone!” screamed Ronald Reagan, President by day, hero by night. The president lunged for the phone and grabbed it, wrenching it from the cradle with the strength only someone imbued with the power of Freedom could muster.
“Hello, this is Reaganman,” he said into the receiver. He slammed it down back on the cradle. The sound of crying bald eagles is heard in the distance. “Great Bouts of Communism this is bad! The Red White and Blue land of Equestria is under attack from the reds! I’ve got to do something!” Reagan got into a dramatic pose, his left hand covering his eyes, the other his heart. “TO THE REAGAN CAVE!”
With a whoosh the secret elevator under his chair began to descend. Soon he was in the secret cave of justice.
“BY THE POWERS OF TRUTH, JUSTICE, and the AMERICAN WAY!” He screamed. His body was enveloped by an American flag as the transformation took place. The flag disappeared and there stood the American hero… REAGAN MAN.
“TO the ReaganMobile,” he muttered coolly.
*NANANANANANANANANA*
“I’ve got you know, Equestrian princesses! Soon the whole of Equestria will be consumed with COMMUNISM!” shouted the terrible Red Devil. The princesses, Luna and Celestia wept silently.
IS THIS THE END OF DEMOCRACY AS WE KNOW IT? TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THE ADVENTURES OF… REAGAAAAAN MAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
NOW FOR THE ADVENTURES OF REAAAAAGAAAAAN MAAAAAAAN!
“Reagan Man? What are you doing here?” spat Red Devil. Reagan Man threw his fist into the air.
“I’m here to stop you! Watch me trickle down… JUSTICE!” Reagan Man leapt at the dastardly Red Devil. His fist missed by inches as the Devil dodged like the communist he was.
“Not so fast, Reagan Man! Take my CommuBEAM!” Red Devil pointed at Reagan. From his finger came a beam to terrible and red not even Stalin could look at it without fear. The beam came whizzing at Reagan Man, whose defenses were not prepared for a laser of such power.
“Augh!” he cried out as the beam touched his American skin. Reagan Man stumbled to the ground in agony.
“Hahaha! You are finished Reagan Man!” shouted the Red Devil.
IS THIS THE END OF REAGAN MAN? BUY REAGAN MAN CEREAL FOR THE ANSWER!
NOW BACK TO… REAAAAAGAAAAAN MAAAAAAAN.
“Hahaha! You are finished Reagan Man!” shouted the Red Devil. Reagan Man didn’t move, he just clutched his heart in pain.
I’ve got to do something! I can’t let my Equestrian Allies get ruined by the reds!
“Do you give up, Reagan Man?” asked Devil with his nasally voice.
I’ve got to get up! I’ve got to save these ponies! Celestia and Luna were crying tears of America and Democracy respectively. I’ve got to get up because… I AM AMERICA! Reagan Man leapt up with renewed vigor.
“What is this?” questioned the Devil.
“Take this!” shouted Reagan Man as he jumped at the hapless Devil, a single punch enough to instill a deep love of Freedom in any heartless villain.
*Later*
“Thanks for saving us,” cooed Celestia.
“No problem, Celestia, and remember kids and colts, never trust a filthy commie,” Reagan Man chimed. Everyone laughs.
Isaac Clarke
“So there I was, taking the shuttle back after I tried to ruin the marker. I mean, I killed the big bad guy. There was blood EVERYWHERE. Just then, I think I see my dead girlfriend crawl around the passenger seat and she attacks me! I nearly died. After that I was tortured for information and,” Isaac explained. Sweetie Belle and Applebloom looked with abject horror.
“Ahem,” coughed Twilight, “Isaac, can I have a word?” Isaac looked up, the helmet of his engineering rig having been put down for the conversation. He looked back at the two children hoping for an excuse to continue his story. They both told him to go.
“Okay, Twilight. What’s up?” Isaac asked as he walked off with Twilight. Left behind, the two children began to cry. Twilight gave him a dirty look.
“Stop telling your stories. Everypony is getting scared and having nightmares.” Isaac looked off into the distance.
“I got nightmares too, Twilight…. Every night I’d see my girlfriend get torn apart by the necromorphs. I tried to dismember their limbs, shooting recklessly at them. Blood was everywhere, limbs too,” he said dreamily.
“No, Isaac, this is what I’m talking about. You have to stop.” Isaac sighed. Perhaps Twilight was right, he thought. It was hard for him to even approach a window without cringing.
“Maybe you’re right, Twilight, but how am I supposed to get over this? I mean, it’s not every day you have to kill thousands of things that used to be people! I killed them all. I can still hear the screams of the chil-” Isaac’s mouth was constricted with magic.
“Isaac… stop. We don’t talk about this stuff in Equestria. We talk about rainbows and magic and stuff. We smile! Now you better start smiling or else,” Twilight demanded. She turned and walked away. Briefly Isaac felt like mentioning how he got a needle in his eye but decided against it. He walked up to a wall and leaned against it.
“They would have listened to me on the Ishimura…” he muttered. He spotted a pony walking around trying to sell some flowers. He trotted up to her. “Hey you, what ‘cha doing?”
The pony, Roseluck, looked confused. “Oh, nothing,” she said quietly.
“Well… want to hear a story?” Isaac asked hopefully. Nopony ever wanted to hear his story, it was infamous for being awful.
“Iiiiiii have to do some stuff elsewhere. Sorry,” Roseluck said as she scampered off. Isaac frowned. No one ever wanted to hear his story. He thought it was fun and cool, but these ponies were total drags. Isaac slowly trudged his way back to the house he was staying in.
It was a small, two-room affair. Under his bed he kept the tools he had brought with him to this magical land. There was a knock at the door. Upon opening it, Isaac was started to see Scootaloo.
“Hi,” Isaac chimed.
“Hi, Mr. Clarke. Can I hear your story, please?” asked Scootaloo. With great exuberance Clarke picked up the tiny pony and sat her on the couch, he sat next to her.
“Let me start by saying none of this was what I wanted to do. Okay, so I was in this daycare school right? Suddenly, glowing babies are crawling around the walls. So obviously I shoot at them and they die in big explosions! After what must be fifty babies are dead, well, they were already dead but you know what I mean,” Isaac said.
“CLARKE WHAT DID I TELL YOU?” came a scream from outside.
“Uh-oh.” Twilight burst into the room, her mane practically on fire.
“I told you not to tell your story anymore,” she screamed.
“She asked?” Isaac offered hopefully.
“Nope, you’re kicked out. Get out of Ponyville.” Isaac sighed. It was just another day in the life of Space Technician Extraordinaire, Isaac Clarke.
GANDALF IN EQUESTRIA
Gandalf stood tall in his grey robes on the bridge leading away from the mines of Moria. Durin’s Bane, the infamous balrog of the mine stood before him cloaked in terrible fires. Gandalf gripped his staff and sword heroically.
“YOU—SHALL – NOT – PASS!” He screamed, slamming the staff into the ground. The Durin’s Bane roars and steps forward, only to have the pathway crumble under his feet. As he falls, his whip of fire cracks out and lashes Gandalf’s foot, throwing him down. Frodo turns to Gandalf.
“GANDALF!” the Hobbit yells at his old time friend.
“Fly you fool,” mutters Gandalf before falling into the cavernous pits. He fell for what seemed to be infinity through shadow and flame, until finally respite hit him in the form of a white, bright light and unconsciousness.
When Gandalf the Grey awoke, he was in no land familiar to him. No land he had ever seen in Middle-Earth. Gathering his surroundings, he begins to wander the small meadow he awoke in. Vibrant trees and wildlife a far cry from where he had just been.
“What trickery is this?” he mutters, pulling his pipe from underneath his robes. With a few ancient words the leaves in the pipe lit. He puffed casually.
“I suppose there’s nothing to it but to get walking,” says the old wizard. He begins to walk through the forest. On the trek, he feels his worries of Frodo, the Ring, and the Fellowship simply fade from his mind.
Eventually, he finds himself in a town full of ponies. Gandalf checks to see what he has in his pipe and walks into town. The ponies look at him strangely. Soon, however, one walks up to him. It’s a white unicorn with a purple mane.
“Hello, you,” she says coyly.
“Hello, miss,” Gandalf responds. “Where, might I ask, has this old wizard found himself?” Rarity laughs.
“Oh you, don’t you remember me?” she asks. Gandalf shakes his head.
“How about if I do this?” Rarity says as she walks between the wizards legs. Gandalf steps away.
“I have no memory of this,” the wizard says. Rarity frowns and walks away. Another unicorn walks up and begins to chat with him.
“Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle. What’s your name?” she asks.
“My name is Gandalf. Where am I?”
“You’re in Ponyville obviously. Where else would you be?” she answers with a laugh. Gandalf fakes a smile.
“You wouldn’t happen to have a ring would you? I seem to have lost one…”
“No, I don’t,” she responds. Gandalf thinks for a second.
“Would you like to go on a trip for a ring? What if I told you it was of great danger to everyone in Middle-Earth?”
“Middle-Earth? This is Equestria. Are you sure you’re alright?” Gandalf blinks slowly, as if to remember the name.
“I’m never better. Now, about this quest. I’m sure you and a group of friends would love to go on a trip, right?” Twilight sighs and walks off.
The next few days were of little note in Ponyville. Everyone was accosted by the wizard, asking if they wanted to go on a grand adventure. No one said yes to the crazy old man. Finally, after Twilight asked Rarity for help, did she intervene again.
“Gandalf, please stop this,” she whined. He turned to her sadly, pipe hanging loosely in his mouth.
“I don’t know why I keep asking, something tells me to,” he admitted. Rarity put a hoof around his back.
“It’s okay, come with me back to Middle-Earth,” she said sweetly. Gandalf looked at her strangely.
“How can you take me back to Middle-Earth?” he asked.
“Why, silly, it’s me, Shadowfax.”
John Johnson
At the stores for some carrots
Plenty of people there too
Got my wallet, keys, everything I need.
Nothing is forgotten
Have ten carrots
Go to cashier
”That’ll be $10.”
fumble in my pocket for some money.
Only have $9.99
Pockets feeling heavy.
Stutter, “I…I don’t have $10…”
Cashier looks at me funny.
That’s fine, sir
Continue to fumble for a penny, close to tears.
Spaghetti falls to the floor
Look at cashier awkwardly
She’s a pony
they are all ponies
Spaghetti covering the entire floor.
Run away
Ponies all over
Leading a trail of spaghetti through the town.
Run behind dumpster
Collect my nerves
spaghetti stays in my pocket
Look back onto the street
Tons of ponies
Some of them are eating the spaghetti!
Pink thing jumps at me
Clearly female.
“Hiya!”
Flash her the condom in my wallet.
loses her smile
backs away.
feeslbadman.jpg
Look back at town
No spaghetti
Ponies look ravenous
crying for spaghetti
Stand up and run away
tears flowing
spaghetti cascading
ponies smell it
start chasing me
can’t outrun
Orange pony jumps on my back
sticks muzzle in pocket and eats spaghetti
I’m12whatisthis.jpg
crying like a baby
push her off
see tree house
run to the house
open the door
get on the floor
I got scared
Told my momma
was sent to bel-air
turns out my uncle was phone
the universe implodes
2spooky
lyk dis if u cry erytim
THE ANGRY SPACE MARINE THAT COULD
It was just an average day for Space Marine, Titus. He was at the DMV for Rhinos where he would get his tank license. When suddenly before him leapt a HERETIC!
“Oh no,” says Titus, “what do mine eyes see?” The heretic stood in front of him reading a magazine on heresy! Titus tapped him on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, HERETIC, but you cut me in line! Let me in front.” The heretic looked at Titus and shrugged him off. Which was quite the feat as Titus was space marine. “Perhaps you don’t understand me, Heretic!” The heretic sighed and looked at Titus.
“Listen, buddy. Why don’t you go preach your Emperor somewhere else?” he asked. Titus got mad. Real mad. Not only had this heretic cut him in line, but then he dissed the Emperor! Titus’ breathing became ragged, his eyes red.
“WHAT SAY?” Titus asked. The heretic’s eyes went wide and he began to sweat.
“I, uh, I’m sorry?”
“NOT ACCEPTING THAT,” Titus screamed as he grabbed his thunderhammer. A hammer charged with electricity made clearing away the heresy easy, Titus reflected as he smashed in a skull or two. So righteous in his zealotry Titus opened his eyes face to face with the Emperor!
“My child,” the Emperor began. Titus started to squeal.
“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! It’s the Emperor of Mankind!” he garbled.
“Yes, yes. Now I have a special task for you,” he tried again. Again he was interrupted.
“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! It’s the Emperor of Mankind!” Titus garbled. The Emperor’s brow furrowed.
“Yes, about the task…” he resumed. Titus wasn’t even listening.
“I stopped heresy today!” Titus said proudly.
“You know, you’re stupid. To the chaos with you,” the Emperor said. Casting his hand aside the Emperor garnered his vast psyker powers and tore open a portal to anywhere. “Sorry about this,” he mumbled as he threw the space marine into the portal.
+++
“Where am I?” asked Titus. The world surrounding him was strange. Titus was scared; he knew only war and heresy. Well, he knew the war against heresy. Strange xenos surrounded him. They stood less than half his height. A grey one came up to him and gave him a strange look. It’s eyes looked him up and down at the same time.
“What are you?” it asked.
“What are you?” Titus asked.
“I’m a pony,” the pony said.
“Do you follow the Emperor?” Titus asked. The gray pony sat down heavily and rubbed her chin.
“Hmmm, nope!” it exclaimed. Titus gasped. He had prepared for this moment his entire life. Reaching into one of his bags he withdrew a paper and unraveled it.
“Do you know what this is?” he asked gravely. The pony shook her head. Titus smirked. “Good.” He coughed. “Well, have I got news for you! If you just listen to me we can have you turned around from your heretical ways!” The pony tilted her head.
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
“Clearly you haven’t accepted the Emperor into your life. So why not now? Before it’s too late!”
“I think I’m good,” the grey pony said, leaping into the air and flying away. This made Titus sad. Didn’t anyone want to hear of the miracles the Emperor? Slowly he meandered the town. He met pony high and low, yet none cared for his stories. Eventually, he wandered into a dress shop.
“Hark, pony. Have you an Emperor in your life?” Titus asked the busy white unicorn. She looked at him frantically.
“Are you here for a dress?” she asked. Titus looked at his blood-stained armor.
“Not really,” he muttered. Rarity looked at his armor too.
“Are you sure, darling? That is the most awful shade of red.” Titus sighed.
“I, I think I have to go now,” he mumbled.
“Nonsense, step up to the mirrors,” Rarity said as she pushed him along.
Soon enough Titus had a nice floral print to his armor. It looked dashing. Titus stepped out of the shop.
“I hope no one see me,” he whines, “although I do feel kind of pretty.” Titus grudgingly walked through the town, throwing codices and scrolls at ponies. A purple one came up to him.
“You have book, yes?” she asked.
“I have books about the Emperor,” he groaned. Twilight looked in ecstasy.
“Me want,” exclaims Twilight.
“Will you accept the Emperor into your life?”
“Yeah yeah, sure.” Titus handed her a thick Codex on the proper ways to kill heretics, and then… he danced.
“Yeah, I did it! I converted one of them!” he exclaimed. Titus followed the pony back to her house and to his horror, it was filled with books.
“Like my collection?” she asked.
“No! I don’t!” Titus yelled as he grabbed his flamer. If it’s not a codex, it’s for heretics. That was the Emperor’s law.
“What mean?” she asked, confused.
“HERESY,” Titus seethed. Pulling the trigger, Titus let loose with great bouts of… spaghetti. The pony looked at him confused.
“What is meaning of this?” Titus threw the flamer away.
“IT’S NOT NORMALLY LIKE THIS!” he yelled as he ran to the shelves and grabbed for books. Pulling them down and ripping them up left and right.
“Stop tearing books!” Twilight demanded of him. Titus stopped and looked at her. The evil glint in her eyes meant one thing. She too was a heretic. Titus dropped the books and ran for the door. Twilight intercepted him.
“But you are a heretic,” Titus moaned.
“I was a heretic to the Emperor the whole time!” Quickly, Twilight lunged at him and started to slap his face with her hooves. Titus grunted in pain. The burning sensation of heresy was strong in her blows.
“Now you have been touched by heresy! You are heresy!” Twilight rationalized. Titus gasped, it was true. Titus was no longer a space marine.
Bill and Ted's Historical Figures
Bill and Ted’s Equestrian Adventure
“Ted, we’ve got all the cool dudes from history! Now to write that paper,” Bill remarked casually. He let loose a sick riff on his air guitar. Bill and Ted stood outside the phone booth casually. They had arrived in San Dimas only a few minutes prior. The anachronous group they had gathered waited patiently inside the booth.
Ted turned his face down, and started to count on his fingers. “Bill, we forgot one!”
“Dude, who?” Bill asked.
Ted grabbed Bill by the shoulders. “We forgot the most bodacious one of the group! We forgot the best pony!”
Bill gasped. “You’re right! It wouldn’t be most excellent to forget the best pony.”
Ted opened the phone booth’s door. “Let’s go!” Both Bill and Ted rushed inside and closed the door.
“I think the number’s 203-867-5309 for Ponyville,” Bill remarked.
Ted punched it in. “A most excellent number, Bill. I’d call it if I saw it written down.” With a crackled of lightning the phone booth disappeared into the night.
Whirling throughout the time stream the booth picked the best pathway to the time of Equestria. With a great thump the booth landed in front of the Ponyville Library. The group of historical greats exited the phone booth.
“Okay; Bill, Joan, Billy, So-crates, Napoleon, Freud, Genghis, Abe, and Beethoven, let’s split up and find the best pony.”
So-crates
Socrates walked the streets of Ponyville until he found a suitable place to enter. Athens was a hard city to beat architecturally speaking, and this was the only building of that caliber. The door swung open, the hinges grinding slightly. Inside was a small, white unicorn. She had turned to face Socrates when the door had opened.
“Oh my, dear, who are you?” she asked. Socrates took a long look at the décor of the room before answering.
“I am Socrates, philosopher. The question is… who are you?”
Rarity put a hoof to her chin, “Well my dear, I am Rarity.” She flicked her mane to the side and smiled.
“You say you are Rarity. Is that a title or the truth?” Socrates asked.
“It’s, uh… what? What does that mean?” she asked confused. She’d never met anyone who talked like that before.
“Rarity means a few things, and a name can be either truth or fiction, Perhaps it is even a title. What does it mean to you?”
Rarity: I’m not sure I understand Socrates. A name is a name. It is given to a child when it is born. Surely it doesn’t signify anything.
Socrates: Okay, if the name is just a name, I can agree to this, but first, answer me some questions. What do you do?
Rar: I make dresses for everypony who wants one.
Soc: Do you charge money?
Rar: Of course.
Soc: Do you charge a lot?
Rar: I charge enough to cover the costs of the materials and a little more so I can live comfortably.
Soc: Can everybody afford the prices you set?
Rar: Well, not everypony. I will try to work with a client if I can.
Soc: So you can agree that the dresses you set are a sort of… rarity?
Rar: I see where you’re going with this, but it’s just a coincidence. Take, for instance my friend, Applejack. She and the whole Apple family work with apples!
Soc: That’s exactly my point.
Rar: Grr. Darling, it’s just a coincidence.
Soc: Okay, tell me more about your business. How do you make your dresses?
Rar: Well, once the client gives me their design, I do my best to make it a reality. Sometimes that involves gems or special threads.
Soc: Gems. Gems are a rarity are they not?
Rar: They are not. I can find gems with great ease. My special talent is finding them in fact.
Soc: Ah, that is interesting. Where I come from, gems are very rare, nearly impossible to find without great danger. Can your friends do this magic?
Rar: My friend, Twilight, can. I taught her how to do it.
Soc: So, you taught your friend this special magic? I assume you had this magic inherently.
Rar: Yes.
Soc: Do you know many unicorns with this spell?
Rar: No.
Soc: So, you have a spell that finds the rare treasures of the earth, which is relatively unknown?
Rar: I, uh, yes. Yes I do.
Soc: Then is it not obvious that your name fits well with this?
Rar: Yes… it does, but what does it mean?
Soc: It means everything, my dear. Nothing and all are one in you. Knowledge comes in the fact that one knows nothing.
Rar: How did you get so smart?
Soc: Because unlike others, I don’t claim to understand the basics of the world.
“Can I offer you a toga, So-crates? I’ve… got rare gems—and the like,” Rarity offered. Her voice lacked her normal enthusiasm.
Socrates turned to the door, “no thanks. I’ve got to find a pony worth studying.” Rarity felt the tears well up. “Lates, homie.”
Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln knew where to go to get a pony that would qualify as best pony. Anypony that got into a government office would surely be above any other. Having asked the directions and shaken the hooves of quite a few ponies he found the city hall. They mayor sat in her office.
“OH hello, sir,” she called out as he stooped in through the door.
“Hello, miss. I am Abraham Lincoln, president. Am I correct that you are the mayor?”
“Yes, I am,” the mayor answered, “I am mayor Mare. What can I help you with?”
Abe sighed, “I am looking for the best pony, and I was curious if that could be you.”
The mayor blushed, “Oh my. Well, I think I could be the best….”
Abe silenced her. “Now, my dear. I’m not too sure on how to say which pony is best. You are all certainly cute.”
“Then how are you going to judge us?” she asked.
Abe stuck out his chest, “Obviously I’m going to compare you to myself. If I am considered one of the best people in history then I should be a good benchmark.” The mayor nodded. “Let me ask you some things and then I will make the call. First, what did you do as a filly?”
“Hmm,” the mayor murmured as she stroked her muzzle. “As a filly I always wanted world peace for Equestria and beyond.”
Abe huffed, “as a child I hunted and killed the vampires that killed my family.”
“What?! Vampires?”
“Yes. When I was but a boy my father made a deal with some vampires. He couldn’t keep his end so they ended both my mother and my grandmother. After that it was clear to me that I would have to fight them for the rest of my life!”
Mare was flabbergasted, “but… but… why? How!?” She started to sway on her chair. “I… I… uuuuh.” Her body hit the floor with a thump.
“I guess she wasn’t best pony after all,” Abe mutters as he walked out.
Billy the Kid
Billy found it hard to stay in town. As such, he’d decided the best ponies would be like he and want to stay on the outskirts of town. A few minutes of travel down a dusty road led him to a farm. Being a western man, Billy knew a thing or two about farms. An orange mare met him as he walked amongst the trees.
“Hello, y’all,” she chimed to Billy.
“Y’all, I’m Billy, y’all.”
“Y’all y’all , Sugar cube?” Applejack chuckled. Billy slapped his knee.
“I bet that tractor breaks down all the time, right, y’all?”
Applejack nodded. “Me ‘n my kin run dat ‘der farm fer apples.”
Billy caught himself looking at her flank. “you know, you’re pretty ‘fer a horse.”
Applejack laughed him off, “Sorry, I’m in love with a stallion.”
Billy shrugged, “perhaps I can show that I’m a big man too!”
“Are y’all suggesting a contest?” Applejack asked.
Billy nodded, “A shootout. I’ve got two revolvers here with which y’all and I can take shots. Whomsoever takes down the most apples at the farthest distance is the best, y’all.”
“Agreed.”
Billy tossed her a gun and took aim with his own. The bang echoed through the orchard. Twenty or so meters away an apple fell to the grass. He smiled as he blew the smoke from the barrel. Applejack smirked and gripped the handle in her mouth. Taking aim she too let loose a shot. An apple behind Billy’s fell.
Billy grabbed his hat and tossed it to the side, “now it’s serious, y’all.” Billy gripped his gun and took careful aim down the sights. He wasn’t about to let this pony show him up, y’all. The pulled the hammer back with a satisfying click. The resounding crack that accompanied the pull of the trigger deafened them briefly.
Two apples fell at forty meters. Applejack knew she couldn’t compete.
“Looks like you win, sugar cube,” she admitted sadly.
Billy’s boot scuffed the dirt. “Do you think y’all could… let me ride you?”
Beethoven (Abbreviated to B.)
For some reason, B could hear music leading him into the distance. The music seemed to resonate in the ground, rising into his bones and into his soul. It was a primitive beat, deep and soulful. Nothing as good a bassist or a finely tuned violin, but it moved deep within him.
The beats lead him to what appeared to be a warehouse. No one stopped him as he walked around the complex. The music became louder and louder, moving him deeper and deeper.
Finally B came to large room. Lights flashed and speakers blared and unfamiliar and technological beat. As he approached the DJ booth, the speakers fell silent. A white unicorn with red eyes walked out the door. She casually flipped sunglasses over her eyes.
“Hey, man, what do you think you’re doing in here? Raves don’t start until later,” she mumbled.
“What was that?” B asked.
“What? The music? It’s was just one of my freshest tracks.”
“Yes, it sounded like 3/8ths speed with an allegro tempo. It was very nice if I say so myself,” B said.
The mare seemed shocked, “No one really noticed the 3/8th before. It’s one of my preferred speeds. Oh, my name’s Vinyl Scratch. What’s yours?”
“Beethoven.”
“Beats, I like that. So what else do you know about music?” Vinyl asked.
B moved towards the booth and tried to peer inside, “I play the piano mostly. You wouldn’t happen to have one around?”
Vinyl beamed. “I got a synth in the booth if you want to give it a spin,” she said. She unlocked the door and lead B inside. It was cramped for the two of them. Vinyl sat on his lap as he played the piano.
“You’re really good,” Vinyl murmured. B just smiled. His fingers gracefully swept across the keys.
“I’ve had a lot of practice.”
Vinyl reached into a bag on the ground and brought out two tablets. She held one to B.
“You ever tried x before?” she asked. B shook his head. “Then just eat this and everything becomes 100% better.”
B grabbed the pill and placed it on his tongue. After swallowing everything blurred together. He felt himself coming closer and closer to Vinyl.
Napoleon
A croissant, that was all the Napoleon craved after the phone booth let out. All the food in San Dimas was nothing compared to a freshly baked, crusty croissant. He cared not for Ted’s ‘best pony’.
A few ponies told him of a bakery that should be able to fulfill his desires. They told him he could find what he desired in the Sugarcube Corner.
It was a small shop compared to some of Paris’ bakeries. A pink pony was running the counter. There was a small crowd milling about and eating pastries. Napoleon walked up to the counter.
“Hello, madame. I was interesting in buying a croissant. Might you have any?” he asked.
“Wow, you’re short!” she exclaimed.
“What? I am not short,” Napoleon rebuttled. Pinkie jumped on the counter and put her face in his.
“You are short! Every other human was at least twice as tall as you! You’re practically my size.”
“I am a rule-“ Pinkie cut Napoleon off.
“Hey, everypony. Does anyone have spare stilts? This guy is really, really short!” Napoleon fell to the floor and wept. Why was this pink pony so mean? His tears wouldn’t cease. Pinkie jumped down and put a hoof on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, short guy.”
Napoleon shoved her off. Jumping up he exclaimed, “No, this will not do!” Napoleon leapt at one of the stallions and climbed on its back. “I will come back and conquer you, pink pony!” Sticking his heels into the stallion’s sides, Napoleon rode off into the sunset.
Freud
“Now tell me, miss Sparkle. How are your parents?” Freud asked. Twilight was lying on one of the couches she had in her library. She still wasn’t sure why she was talking with this strange man.
“Oh, my parents are well.”
“How do you feel about your mother?”
Twilight shrugged. “I don’t know. I loved her. She *is * my mother.”
“You love your mother?”
Twilight nodded, “yes?”
“Oh dear,” Freud said as he scribbled down on his paper.
“What are you writing?” Twilight asked.
“Nothing, just notes. Now, Miss Sparkle, how do you feel about your brother?”
“I love my brother! He’s my BBBFF!”
“What does that mean?” Freud asked.
“Big Brother Best Friend Forever!”
Freud nodded, “now, is he successful?”
“Why yes, he is. He’s an officer in the royal guard, and he just married a princess,” Twilight said happily.
“Yes, yes. Do you ever feel jealous of him?”
“Not really jealous.” Twilight paused. “I guess sometimes…”
“I see.” Freud scribbled more notes.
“What are you writing?” Twilight turned around on the couch and looked at Freud.
“I think you have a case of penis envy, miss Sparkle.”
Twilight jumped off the couch. “Are you kidding me?” Freud stood up.
“Miss Sparkle, it is also to my attention that you are sexually repressed.” Freud reached down for his belt.
“Get out,” Twilight groans.
With a shrug Freud walks to the door. “If you wish to beat the repression…” Freud trails off.
Joan of Arc
“It was really nice of you girls to do this,” Joan admits. She had been immediately drawn to Ponyville’s spa as soon as she had seen it. “A girl gotta look nice.”
Lotus nodded. She was busy giving Joan a manicure while Aloe rubbed her back. “It must be great, travelling with all those men, right?
(Can’t do it. I apologize. –JohnDoe)
Genghis Kahn (Caps for KAHN!)
GENHIS KAHN TRAVELLED THE TINY STREETS OF PONYVILLE LOOKING FOR THE BEST PONY. TO DETERMINE WHO WOULD BE THE BEST, HE NEEDED TO FIND ONE WITH NO FEAR. EVERY PONY HE MET MET WITH A FEARSOME ROAR FROM THE MONGOLIAN WARLORD. WHEN HE CAME ACROSS A YELLOW PEGASUS LEADING A TRAIL OF DUCKS, HE STOOPED DOWN REALLY LOW NEXT TO HER.
“ARE YOU SCARED?” HE YELLED INTO HER EAR. THE YELLOW PONY TURNED TO HIM.
“No,” SHE whispered.
“YOU ARE THE ONE,” GENGHIS SCREAMED.
FLUTTERSHY FELT SOMETHING WITHIN HERSELF MOVING. THIS STRANGE MAN WAS PECULIAR INDEED.
“Hey, uh, mister…” she trailed off.
“Kahn. Genghis Kahn.” They both smiled. “Do you have anywhere private we could go? I’d like to discuss the fact that you may be the best pony.”
Genghis and Fluttershy walked slowly to her cottage. Once inside she started to get close to Genghis on her couch.
“I’ve never met a man like you before,” she said coyly.
There was a knock at the door. Fluttershy sighed and went to answer it. A giant blue minotaur stood outside.
“Iron Will here to make you mine!” he screamed. Genghis got off the couch as the creature walked in.
“You will not have her, she is mine!” he declared.
Iron Will smirked and said, “There is one way to solve this.”
Genghis nodded, saying, “The only way warriors fight.”
“Rap Battle!” they declared in unison. Music and phat beats began to permeate the house.
“Iron Will here, stepping up to the mic
Genghis:
Iron:
Genghis:
The beat stopped. Fluttershy trotted between the two warriors and coughed. A lighter melody began to play.
Y'all talking like I ain't even here
You losers betta get out quick
Both Iron Will and Genghis walked out of the house with shame following them.
Joan of Arc
Joan walked from the spa refreshed. She felt sorrow for having not done her mission in finding the best pony, but it was worth it. You just didn’t find such luxury in France.
Joan was walking along the streets of Ponyville when the most intoxicating aroma caught her attention. She turned a corner to see an off white pony tending to a small bed of roses. Joan walked up to her.
“Hello there. My name is Joan, and who might you be, pretty pony?”
The pony put down the watering can. “My name is Roseluck, and thanks for the compliments.”
Joan knelt in front of the flower bed with Roseluck. “How do you grow such lovely flowers?”
“When one takes a challenge upon oneself, it can become their being. Such as task it became for me when I took this up.”
Joan nodded and stood up. Then she picked up the rosy pony and walked back to the time machine. She had found the best pony.
“We’ve got to keep going, girls and Romero,” Twilight beckoned. Around the small group, Equestria burned. No one knew how it started or even where. All they knew was that it had. Royal guards flew through the air intermittently hoping to rescue survivors. They had yet to help Twilight or her friends and Romero.
The moans of the undead had yet to cease. Fluttershy flopped to the ground panting.
“Twilight, I can’t!” she cried. Applejack and Rainbow Dash lifted her up. “Why are we going to the mall anyway?”
Zecora cut in, “We go to the mall, it was not our call.”
Romero nodded, “It was my call, Fluttershy. I know the safest places in the event of Zombie attacks. You have to trust me.”
“Typical Romero,” Pinkie Pie giggled.
“Girls, and Romero, the Ponyville mall is only over the hill. Let’s go!” The gang ran onwards. Twilight’s horn glowed sickly as she let loose a few volleys of her potent magic.
As the gang crested the hill they laid eyes on the Ponyville mall, a testament to the capitalist nature of Equestria. The gang took time to trot into the mall, it’s foregrounds devoid of the undead which seemed everywhere.
“How are we going to get in?” Applejack asked.
“There’s a delivery door I’ve got a key to!” Pinkie explained. She pulled a key from her fluffy mane. “See?”
“Lead the way, Pinkie,” Romero said. He pulled a small notebook from his pocket and began to write quickly.
Pinkie lead the group down a dimly lit corridor. At the end lay a door. Her key slid in quickly and unlocked it.
The mall interior was silent and devoid of the undead. Its stores still brightly lit from generators and magic batteries. Hooves and a pair of shoes echoed on the marble floors.
“This is perfect, just like I imagined it would be!” Romero said with a laugh. He turned to Zecora. “Why don’t you go off alone for just a bit?”
She shrugged, “Why would I go alone? Ice cream cone.”
“Yeah, Romero, why would she go alone? What are you up to?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“I, uh, nothing.”
“Ah reckon Ah don’t even know why y’all even with us. Why y’all bring this guy, Twi?” Applejack asked.
“Well, I was reading in the library when this guy barges in! And he’s screaming about zombies and stuff. Long story short, I went to get you all and then we came here.”
Pinkie stuck a hoof in the air. “Twilight!? Question!!”
Twilight sighed, “yes Pinkie?”
“Where’s Spike?”
Twilight scuffed her hoof on the ground. “Oops.”
“You know,” noticed Scootaloo, “These things are kind of like Isaac’s monsters.”
Twilight shh’d her, “we don’t talk about him anymore.”
“Too late,” Isaac Clark said as he stepped from the shadows. “I knew you’d want me back. I brought my rifle and stuff.”
Romero lunged at the armor clad engineer. “This is my story!” he yelled. Isaac disappeared as Romero delivered one of his famous punches to his gut. Romero stood back up, assured of his literary dominance.
“Guys?” Fluttershy squeaked, “where’s Zecora and Scootaloo?”
Everypony gasped.
“AJ and RD, you two look down to the food court. She did say something about ice cream cones. Fluttershy and I will take upstairs. Romero, you …”
Romero patted her mane. “Girls relax, just look for Scootaloo. It’s too late for Zecora.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Rainbow Dash. She got low to the ground, ready for a pouncing.
“Scootaloo’s a kid. They are always safe to the end. Haven’t you seen a horror movie?”
“No,” they all replied.
“Well, obviously Zecora was going to die first.”
“Die? For Pete’s sake!” Rainbow cursed.
“Why would y’all say that?” asked Applejack.
Romero shrugged, “Isn’t it obvious?”
The group shook their heads collectively.
“Oh well, I’ll let you figure that one out on your own. Now the way I see it is that you, you, and you have to make a heroic sacrifice before we can hope to be free.” He pointed at Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy.
“Why do they have to make a sacrifice?”
“Because I know my stuff about horror!”
“Classic Romero,” Pinkie giggled.
“But we’ve got to make it big… there we go!” Romero got onto his feet and jumped up and down. “DELICIOUs POOOOOniiiiiiiieS HERE!”
A howl pierced the air as the cursed undead appeared as if from nowhere. Shambling down the hallways of the mall they started to converge on the ponies and Romero. He knelt down to Rarity, AJ, and Fluttershy.
“Sorry, girls,” his voice cracked, “but it has to be this way.” A single tear ran down his face as he handed the three ponies an unloaded pistol. Romero and the rest ran towards the elevators.
Applejack pointed the gun at the zombies and pulled the trigger to no avail.
“It’s unloaded,” Rarity stated.
“I’m starting to not like these human folk all that much,” AJ groaned.
Twilight, Romero, and Rainbow Dash arrived panting onto the roof. They had successfully looked the dead beneath them.
“What do we do now, Romero?” Twilight asked.
He shrugged, “I don’t know, I’ve never made a good ending.”
“What?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Even Daring Do has good endings. Not that I’d know of course.”
TO BE CONTINUED IN
JOHN DOE’S X IN EQUESTRIA OF THE DEAD.
Tyrael
“It’s you, DiqSukka, who must defeat Azmodan and save Caldeum,” said angle of Justice, Tyrael, to Diqsukka.
The noble wizard nodded. “Lol wtf, hardcore ftw,” he said.
Tyrael nodded. Inwardly he sighed. These players weren’t getting better, but Azmodan needed to be killed. Outwardly he watched Diqsukka walk forward ten paces only to be obliterated by a phasebeast.
“Every time,” he murmured. It was true. No hardcore player had been able to pass this terrible level yet, except one. The memories of that player shocked Tyrael every time.
Suddenly, the great player, Socrates, was before Tyrael. The angle and human high fived.
“Sup, bro,” Socrates welcomed.
“Bangin’, dude. Hey, you beat Diablo yet?”
“You know I did.”
The two high fived again.
“Hey, Tyrael, get a load of this,” Socrates whispered. From his bag he pulled out a staff. It looked way overpriced and hard to obtain.
“Is that what I think it is?”
Socrates nodded and whispered, “Whimseyshire.”
Tyrael pumped his fists into the air, “Let’s go!”
Socrates brought the staff crashing to the ground. With a tremendous crash the earth tore asunder. Bright light filled the chasm. Tyrael and Socrates jumped in.
~~~
Tyrael arrived in a strange land, much stranger than even the lands he knew. Colorful rainbows hung in the sky and ponies walked around him. However, as he looked around he could not locate Socrates.
“He must have dc’d,” Tyrael said to himself. With a small frown, the angle freed his sword from its scabbard. Then he took careful aim at a passing by chromatic pony.
“Have at thee, pony!” He screamed. The pony leapt into the air and floated in front of the wingless angle.
“Uh, that was not awesome.”
“Come on the ground and fight me! I’m Tyrael, Angle of Justice.”
The pony was nonplussed, “Uh, okay. I’m Rainbow Dash.”
“Thank you, Rainbow Dash. Now prepare yourself for my blade! I will clear Whimseyshire once and for all!”
Rainbow Dash scrunched her muzzle, “what’s Whimseyshire? This is Ponyville.”
Tyrael dropped his sword. “What is Ponyville? Is this a trick of Nightmarity?”
“Nightmarity? Who’s that? Say, you wouldn’t happen to know an old bearded man, would you?”
Tyrael knew the man from that description immediately. “Deckard Cain!”
A scraggly bearded man began to hobble over the hill to the two. He had a smile on that no one had seen on him in ages.
“Tyrael, my boy,” he started.
“Deckard! We thought you dead.” Tyrael was weeping softly.
“Tyrael, that’s a fine cube you got there. I must insist you stop trying to harm these ponies.”
“Why, Deckard? I’m trying to get in my levels just like anyone else,” Tyrael spat.
“Tyrael, I’m pretty sure you fought to save the humans, why can’t you save the ponies too?”
“Ponies don’t deserve saving.” Tyrael grabbed Rainbow Dash and pointed at her softness everywhere. “Look at how stupid this is.”
Cain gasped. “You monster! Rainbow Dash is a fine pony, just like the rest of them.”
Tyrael scowled. “Can’t you see I’m the Tyrael everyone expected? I am turned evil!” Everyone gasped. Tyrael picked up his angleic sword. “And now I become the evil.”
“Not if I can help it.”
Standing in front of the angel Tyrael and elder Deckard Cain was the most heinous and insidious creature ever to exist in all the world, hells, and Equestria. It was… It was…!
Error 37. You have been disconnected from the server.
For Azarias
“It’s 10 bits for a cherry! Now buy it or get out!” cherry pony yelled at Fluttershy. She sniffled on the ground.
“Oh, but 10 bits? I… I’ll go without…” she squeaked. Her thoughts turned to the enraged rabbit she would soon face. A shadow appeared before her.
“Hi, Billy Mays here! Are you tired of other vendors charging *too* much for the vegetables and fruits you need daily?” The strange bearded man stood staring at her.
“Uh…”
He continued to look at her. His eyes seemingly depthless as they peered into her soul.
“Yes.”
“Well I’ve got a deal for you! Just look at how fresh these vegetables are! They couldn’t be fresher if you went to Applejack’s and picked them yourself! Just look at how fresh this broccoli is!” Billy went into a spiel.
Fluttershy interjected, “Uh, do you have any cherries?”
“Of course I do! These cherries are guaranteed to make anyone’s day! Take this pony for instance, before Mays’ Cherries, he was a sad, sad pony.” Billy reached below the counter and pulled up a light brown stallion.
“Before I had some fruits and vegetables from Mays, I was living a lie. Now I have a wife and kids and a job. Thanks you, Mays’ Cherries!”
Billy pushed the stallion away.
“If that didn’t sell you, don’t go away! Watch this cherry just decimates scurvy in this mare here!” Billy plucked a pony from the crowd which had seemingly assembled.
“But I don’t have scurvy,” she protested as Billy shoved a cherry into her face.
“See! No scurvy at all!”
Billy looked back to the timid Fluttershy; she was walking away sans cherry. Billy flopped his hands onto the counter of his meager stall.
These ponies never needed any of his wares, neither the Double Saw nor the Mighty Putty. He was losing money like no one’s business.
“Hello, human,” came a radiant voice the likes of which he’d never heard before. Billy looked up to face the most beautiful pony he had ever seen. However, he noticed one fault.
“Billy Mays here! have you noticed a problem when you look in the mirror every day?” he began to sell.
“Excuse me?” she asked.
“You are excused! You probably have not heard of a solution to your problems! But today that all changes!” Billy reached and pulled up a pearlescent bottle. “Oxyclean will make your whites whiter and your darks gone!”
Celestia put a forehoof to her chest, “sir, I am perfect in appearance…”
“Nonsense, no one’s perfect without a beard like this! Now back to you!” Billy jumped over the counter and grabbed Celestia’s mane. “This will clear that up!” he said as he poured Oxyclean on her mane.
Celestia’s colors fell to the floor in a liquidly pile. Celestia steamed.
“No one touches my mane,” she whispered.
“Looks like a case of weak hair! With just another 19.99 I’ll throw in my patented hair strengthener!”
“No no no, this won’t do. Fix my mane now, human. Or else.”
Billy cupped his hands together. “About that! I don’t think I can fix your mane, miss! Oxyclean is just TOO strong to be undone! It’s going to be clean forever!”
“Guards! Take this man to the dungeons,” Celestia ordered.
As the guards left she took the half empty bottle of Oxyclean. I wonder what Luna looks like without all that… Luna-ness, she wondered.
The Onion
“Girls, I needed to talk with you, thanks for coming,” Cheerilee bid the three filly’s entering the classrom. Cheerilee was standing awkwardly next to one of her many tables. The mare picked up a newspaper which had occupied the table.
“What cha’ need, Mrs. Cheerilee?” Applebloom asked. Her, her friend Sweetie Belle, and Terry sat on one of the classroom’s desks. Sweetie Belle was shifting on the couch.
“Well I’ve just read something terrible and I was wondering if you’d like to explain yourselves,” Cheerilee began to explain. She was pacing in front of the girls with glasses floating lazily in the air.
“I didn’t touch Rarity’s fabric!” Sweetie blurted out.
“It’s not about fabric, Sweetie,” Cheerilee assured the small unicorn, “It’s about this.” Cheerilee put the newspaper in front of the fillies.
"Trio of Fillies sets Kindergarten ablaze in attempt to get their "Fire-Fighting Cutie Marks,” read the headline. The children gasped.
“It’s not true!” Terry, the orange pegasus groaned.
“Are you sure?” Cheerilee asked.
“Well, we did have class today,” Sweetie offered.
“I’m afraid you three have gone too far this time. Punishment is going to be an essay on the Self-Affirmative Excursion on the Importance of Specialized Marks of Trade, 3000 words, on my desk tomorrow.”
___
“Why are you here, uh, my princess?” asked mare Carrot Top. Her golden mane was blazing in the setting sun.
“Well, I heard you had something for me,” Celestia answered. She was looking eagerly behind the tiny mare to her garden.
“I don’t have anything besides carrots and vegetables…. Roseluck has some new blue roses that are very pretty, perhaps you meant to see those?”
Celestia’s eyes snapped to the scared mare, “I am never wrong, look at this!” Celestia thrust a newspaper into Carrot Top’s face. "Equestria's Largest Carrot unearthed by local mare. Celestia to inspect later this month,” the headline read.
“That ridiculous!” Carrot burst out.
Celestia scoffed, “I know! So… where’s the carrot?”
___
“Officer, I dun’t know what I did wrong,” Pipsqueak said to the officer. The officer frowned.
“You don’t know what you did wrong? You are a traitor to all of Equestria!” the officer spat. Pipsqueak reeled. Surely all his escapades for candy wouldn’t be the cause of this?
“No, sir. It’s not wrong to like candy, innit?”
“Candy? Candy! Not where you’re going! You are going to pony jail!”
“Oh, bugger, but why?” Pipsqueak pleaded. The officer pulled up a newspaper and put it on the table which separated the two.
“Blue Police Box found hidden amongst apple grove. Local colt Pipsqueek blamed for British propaganda in Amareican soil," Read the headline.
“My name’s Pipsqueak, not Pipsqueek…” he muttered. The officer jumped over the table and grabbed at Pip’s neck.
“Your name is whatever I saw it is, you British bum.”
___
"Old batch of Apple Family Cider intoxicates local populous. In other news, Nurse Readheart's
"Mayor Mare bribery scandal leads to discovery of illegal hair-dye warehouse."
"Fluttershy wins "Environmentalist of the Year Award" but is revoked after anonymous tip about
"Stormy Weather expected in Ponyville for the next few weeks after rally calling for Anti-LGB
"Mail Courier to formerly apologize for mistakenly eating packages and mailing in Blueberry
"Local library imposes ban on candles and baby dragons."
"Luna to host Second Annual New Nightmare Night. Spaghetti Dinner to follow next day."
"DJ Pon-3 to release new book 'The Existentialist Mare: Lessons of a Travelling Musician'"
"Famed Cellist Octavia found ravin in local nightclub. "I had a coupon and it was going to
"Cakes to file for bankruptcy. Fail to explain loss of ordered 100 Corn cakes."
"Hoity Toity to unleach new 'Hipster Clothsline'. Fancy Fedora states "It's the worse thing
"It puts the words on the paper, or else it gets the hose again" - My New Muse.
DARTH VADER
“Admiral, any word of my apprentice’s ship?” asked the black-clad sith.
“N-no, my lord Vader,” replied the shaken captain.
Vader looked thoughtfully on the admiral for nary a second and raised his hand.
“You’ve failed me for the last time, admiral.” The officer grabbed his throat uselessly as the Force enclosed around it. He labored for a breath that wouldn’t come and soon fell limp to the floor. Lord Vader turned to the fore of the Star Destroyer.
“Find where my… apprentice last was, and go there. Now,” he commanded. Two stormtroopers busied themselves while the pilots of the Imperial fleet frantically triangulated the last known coordinates of Vader’s apprentice.
“Found it, sir,” a captain spoke barely above a whisper. Vader nodded and the ship lurched ahead in a light jump.
The wagon rustled along the path to Appleloosa; its giant wheels creaking under the strain. The man addressed the pony sitting next to him.
“I sense something in the Force,” he said.
Trixie harrumphed. “This force confuses Trixie. What kind of magic lends itself to a non-unicorn?”
Starkillah’ sighed at the pony. Even though she lacked magical skills, she berated him on all matters which she was even less skilled on.
“How did I ever lose that duel?” he muttered. The months of his slavery had not been kind to him. Forced to be the beautiful assistant had led to some uncomfortable moments in bars across Equestria. He’d nearly forgotten that one time a stallion- Starkiller shuddered.
“Are you thinking about the time you got your face licked? Trixie thought that was adorable. He would have been perfect for you,” Trixie laughed.
“No, he would not have, and no, it wasn’t that time. It will never be that time…”
Something rippled inside of Starkiller. The Force tingled.
“My true master is here,” he thought. He said the same to Trixie.
“He’s not your true master unless he wins you from me, and I’ve won every duel I’ve been in,” she bragged. Though it had been the one duel, she never grew weary of recounting the victory.
Starkiller looked up to the sky. Though he forgot he could have called his ship at any time and merely flown off from the planet, he looked longingly for a ship. The gray pie of Imperial ships was a lovely thing to see when it rescues you.
***
“I’ve got your apprentice on radar, my lord,” a nervous admiral said. Normally he should still be happy, just having had the party celebrating his advancement in rank. The funeral of the previous had been a downer though, the admiral thought.
“Bring us in closer, and prepare my landing shuttle. I want this venture over and the Rebels crushed.”
“Lord Vader, I’m picking up other life signs from the planet,” cried an auxiliary forward sergeant.
Vader strutted up to the sergeant’s station. “Show me them.”
A video monitor flickered to life in front of Vader and the sergeant. On it were ponies.
“Is this a joke, sergeant?” Vader asked. “Do you find this funny?”
“No, Lord Vader. These are the creatures we’ve seen on the planet. And look! There is the Apprentice’s ship!”
Vader nodded. “Perhaps there is more than meets the eyes of this little planet.”
Just then a voice rang over the intercom, “Your shuttle is ready, lord Vader.”
***
“Trixie look! My true master is here to rescue me!” Starkiller exclaimed as he pointed into the darkening sky. Already it was filled with several ships of the Imperial Fleet. A small shuttle was flying down to where the two were camped.
Trixie looked up at it and got to her feet/legs/hooves/idk and hurried back into her cart.
“Hah! Now I can be back to my mean old self! Hah! Original Starkiller is here! Brooding as ever! Hah!”
“Typical Starkiller,” whispered the wind as it rolled by. Soon the wind was howling as the shuttle landed not twenty feet from Trixie’s cart. A slow dirge seemed to emanate from the ship as Vader disembarked.
“My apprentice, so this is where you’ve gone to. I should have suspected you’d leave me,” Vader chided.
“I didn’t leave you! You are like a father to me!” Starkiller yelled back.
“No… I *am* your father!”
“Noooooo!” came a voice from the cart as the blue magician burst out. “Starkiller… I am your father,” she said.
Both Vader and Starkiller gasped audibly. Vader reached for his lightsaber, but it was not to be found in his belt. He looked once again at Trixie who was holding aloft two of them, his and Starkiller’s.
“Well shoot,” he grumbled.
“Looks like I’m about to have two beautiful assistants for my next show!”
Elmer Fudd.
“Be vewy, vewy quiet, I’m hunting ponies,” Elmer spoke aloud. The small huntsman crept slowly through the woods. His prey was two ponies, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash. He knew them to be beyond the bushes in front of him. All he had to go was point and click.
Suddenly he heard voices.
“Rainbow, for the last time. Unicorn season simply isn’t a thing!”
“Pegasus season!”
Elmer crept up to the bushes just in time to see Twilight Sparkle sigh heavily.
“At wast I’ve got you! Wianbow and Twiwight!” Elmer grabbed his rifle and leveled it at the two ponies.
“Elmer, please go,” Twilight beckoned the tiny hunter.
Elmer readjusted the gun.
Twilight’s horn began to glow as the rifle was taken from Elmer and tossed into a tree. “You can’t hunt us, Elmer,”
Elmer looked distraught. “But hunting is all I’ve evew done!”
Twilight and Rainbow got to their feet and trotted off.
“It is unicorn season though,” Rainbow said adamantly.
TOO SHORT!
Rick Astley.
It was an early day on the farm for Applejack. The sun shone brightly through her window catching the vase she kept
“Looks like a great day for Apple and Apple-related activities. I wonder if Mac or Applebloom are up.”
Her philosophic introspections were cut short sadly as a tapping came from her second story window. Being that her room was on the second floor of the old farmhouse, this was a strange occurrence.
Had a bird flown into the window? Granny Smith had recently been on a cleaning binge. Applejack got out of her bed and trotted over to the window and opened it.
“Applejack,” came an unfamiliar voice, “I love you.”
AJ looked at the creature on the ground. A tall, red-hair thing.
“Eh, what?”
“I just want to tell you what I’m feeling!” he yelled.
“I don’t have time for this,” Applejack yelled back and shut the window. Trotting to the shower she soon forgot the strange thing. For some reason, the words he spoke stuck to her mind.
At breakfast she was able to talk to Big Mac, whose bedroom was next to hers.
“Mac, did you hear anything this morning?” she asked. He shook his head.
“Nope,” he expressed.
Applejack sat back in her chair and harrumphed. Must have been a dream, she thought.
Many hours that day were spent buckin’ apples in the orchard. Applebloom had gone to school and Mac was away taking bushels to the barn. Applejack felt her hooves thud heavily into the trunk of one the Apple’s famous trees. She heard footsteps approach.
“Applejack,” came a voice, “I wuv you so much.”
“Oh, not you again. Cain’t you see ah’m busy?”
The man shook his head, “Your heart's been aching but, you're too shy to say it.”
Applejack cut him off. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Ah don’t know you!”
The man backed off. “I thought we had something! Alas, I will not give up!” He ran off between the trees.
A few minutes later, Big Mac showed up.
“You didn’t see nothing, did ya?” she asked.
“Nope,” he responded.
Later Applejack was hanging out with her good friend, Pinkie Pie.
“It’s the strangest thing, Pinkie. Like someone’s following me around. And whenever he talks it just sticks in my head.”
There was a knock on the door of the pastry shop.
“Do you mind getting that?” Pinkie asked. Her flank swayed in the air as she busied herself grabbing things from a lower cabinet.
“Ah, I don’t know about that, Pinkie. What if it’s that man again?”
Pinkie stuck her head above the counter, her mane had caramel drizzled on it. “Silly, I’ll get it then!” Pinkie bounded
“A-Applejack! What are you doing here? I wasn’t buying sweets or nothing,” she stammered.
Applejack hurried out the door past the two mares. There was one pony in all of Ponyville who would have the answers to her problem.
“Roseluck, I need your help,” Applejack told the filly as she tended her garden.
Roseluck put down the watering can and looked at Applejack. “You know the problem and how to solve it. Why else come to me?”
“Yes, why else indeed,” Applejack said. “But seriously, can’t you tell me anything, Roseluck?”
“Yes, there is something I can tell you,
“Never gonna give you up
Steve Erwin in Equestria
A.K.A. Australian Accents are hard.
“Croikey,” came a subdued voice. Twilight shot up in her bed. She looked around her bedroom slowly.
“Hello?” she asked. My doors and windows are locked.
“Uh-oh. Looks loike we stahrtled ‘er,” the voice said.
Twilight reached for one of her candles. She found one on the night stand, using her magic she lit it. Light flowed through her room. She shut her eyes for a second, temporarily blinded. Twilight quickly surveyed the room looking for the source of the voice.
“Spike… you know I don’t like being scared,” Twilight spoke cautiously. The nervous mare peered down to Spike’s sleeping crate. It was empty. Oh right, he got lost in the zombie invasion.
“Look a’ her. She’s a beaut ain’t she?”
“What do you want from me?” Twilight asked. She leapt from the bed and used her magic to toss a few books across
“Whe’ the mares get angry they can be vicious.”
Twilight looked around the room, stomping her hooves. Something nudged into the bookcase, causing it to teeter. “I’ve got you now,” she whispered. Slowly Twilight crept over to the bookcase. The bookcase in question had been moved several feet away from the wall. She could see someone crouching behind it. “Hello?” she asked.
“A’ve got ‘er now!” the thing yelled as it jumped on the poor mare. Twilight struggled under the weight of the new human. “Now you’ve goit to be cah’ful when wrastle with a poiny. She’ll use ‘er magic to get out of mah grab.”
Oh yeah I will. Twilight’s horn glowed an incandescent purple as she threw the strange man to the wall.
“Croikey! It’s Australian foir pain!”
“What are you doing in my house?” Twilight asked.
“I’m Steve Irwin, Animal Man,” he proclaimed happily.
“That’s great, animal man. No really, it’s wonderful. However, I am left with one question, what are you doing in my house?”
Steve bit his lips. “Well, ya see there, missy. There ain’t many animals for the ol’ crocodile hunter ta fight ‘round here.”
An idea hit Twilight immediately. It was moments like these that made Twilight glad she did hardcore jewels like Rarity.
“Iiiiiii know what you should do!” Twilight yelled at the top of her lungs. “I know just the crocodile for you to fight,” she said much quieter. “Let me take you there.”
***
“Twilight… it’s three in the morning. Even the Pinkie needs her sleep,” the Pinkie said groggily to her guests.
“I know, Pinkie! But this guy showed up and I really need you to do me a favor,” Twilight gasped.
“Twilight, even I know biology does-“
“No, not like that. Jeez Pinkie.” Twilight was Roseluck Red. A flustered mare on the street. Boy… was there egg on her face. This is worse than that time I did those things!
“Okay, so what do you need?” Pinkie asked.
“Ah need to fight your croc!” Steve piped up helpfully.
“Normally I’d be against this, but okay.” Pinkie disappeared into her home for just a second. Suddenly she leapt out of the second floor window. She did not stick the landing. The poor mare skidded across the dirt. Gummy fell off her back and began swiping at the dust she knocked up. West Germany is not impressed.
“It’s go time!” Steve yelled as he leapt at the distracted alligator. The Aussie grabbed at the Gummy’s tail, only narrowly missing it as the alligator dodged. Gummy’s dust attacks had given him +10 spot checks. Using the dirt to his advantage, the alligator kicked a small clod into Steve’s eye. The hunter fell backwards.
“I won’t be defeated so easily,” he cried as he went for a forward kick to Gummy’ midsection. The blow connected with a sickening ripple of Gummy’s scales. An attack of opportunity left gashes along Steve’s legs.
The small, green alligator roared with unknown ferocity. With great vigor it leapt at Steve’s face. He let out a shriek of pain. Irwin clawed at his face, trying to pry the vicious critter off him.\
Suddenly there was a howling scream from the air.
“Did Rainbow Dash crash?” asked Pinkie.
“No, that always sounds more bass-y,” Twilight added.
Steve pulled the alligator off his face and threw it through Pinkie’s window. “I’ve heard that call before… from the most dangerous beast…”
“Cerberus?” asked Pinkie.
“Timberwolves?” suggested Twilight.
“No… Stingrays,” Steve whispered. The stricken mares watched as flying blobs began to appear in the sky. “This is my destiny! This was made for me!” One of the shapes flew past Steve. He grabbed its head and jumped on its back.
“I’ve got to go now ladies. I’m sorry for the trouble I’ve caused.”
“I don’t understand!” screamed Twilight.
“I don’t either, but if I don’t get on this stingray now, then I’ll regret it. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but
Slowly the Steve burdened stingray floated off into the skies with the rest of its family.
***
Twilight shot up in bed with a cold sweat. “I’ve got to stop eating all those nachos all the time,” she assured herself.
Bear Grylls in Equestria
Bear Grylls is a prolific survivalist having graduated the top of his class in the SAS and participated in many missions involving the drinking of his own bodily fluids while shooting footage for a tv show on how to do exactly that. Every year, millions of people tune in to watch a British bloke squeeze elephant dung into his mouth and eat things that should never even exist in the first place. Now, he attempts one more dangerous feat in order to show how one could survive in an environment as hostile as Equestria. This...is Man vs Mild.
“I’m Bear Grylls and today, I’m going to be visiting one of the most inhospitable places on the face of the human world.” Said Bear as he stood on the roof of a small bushplane. “Every year, more than one hundred humans become stranded in Equestria and forced to go on adventures with ponies, sometimes enjoying themselves so much they never return to civilization. One of the most dangerous locations is Ponyville, and that’s where I’ll be going to show you what it takes to survive.”
Bear pushed off with his feet and began his descent as the bushplane was quickly intercepted by a squad of pegasi for violating Equestrian airspace rules regarding transport of tv crews and crazed Brits. Bear Grylls continued his dive and did a series of twirls and pirouettes in the air as he quickly approached his destination. He pulled the cord on his parachute but as it deployed a speedy blue streak cut through the fabric, causing him to fall at an unsafe rate.
“Now, if you ever get in a sticky situation where your staged skydiving jump takes a turn for the worse, always remember that sources of water can be great for harsh landings. Unfortunately, I’m about to hit a building, so taking out a life insurance plan beforehand also wouldn’t hurt.” Bear held on tight as he touched ground, the flimy parachute catching a strong breeze and sending him flying across town like a kite.
As Bear clung to the parachute he sailed past the town hall and even through the marketplace where countless ponies scrambled for their lives to avoid colliding with the dirty bushman.
“Hmhmhm, it’s simply another maaaarvelous day for fashion. Don’t you think so, Opal?” Said Rarity as she smiled at her uninterested cat.
Suddenly, there was a crash at the door as Bear Grylls tucked into himself and smashed through the door in a large heap of man.
“Wahaha!” Rarity yelled in surprise.
“Crash landings are bound to happen when you jump from several thousand feet in the air so it’s always important to tuck in and absorb the impact. Homeowners insurance also should cover any collateral damage from any badass entries you might encounter.” Bear grinned as he gave a thumbs up to the camera.
“Sweet Celestia, my door! Who are you?” Rarity was in shock as he tried to assemble the pieces of splintered door.
“Whenever entering unfamiliar territory, it’s always important to take a good around you to get your Bear-ings.” Bear gave another smile and an extra enthusiastic high five to the camera man. “Make sure to keep that part. I really liked it.”
“How dare you destroy my place of business! Out I say. And take the camera with you. Do you know how much that very door cost? Eww, you’re leaving marks on the floor.” Rarity huffed as she asserted her dominance by whining.
“It seems we’ve encountered a hostile native. Fortunately, it can easily be subdued in case it decides to give you any trouble. It might also make a good source of food in case your rations run low. I’m equipped with only a tactical spork, three feet of rope, and a Slim Jim so it’s best to eat your rope before you snap into the Slim Jim.” Bear was now walking around the boutique poking and prodding at her various dresses and mannequins with his spork.
“Lay off my dresses you uncouth scoundrel. I request that you leave before I’m forced to resort to kung-fu.” To drive her point home, Rarity karate chopped two cinder blocks in half.
“We might be able to find some form of food by scavenging and while it may be difficult to find any food at first, don’t get discouraged. A positive attitude can go a long way in surviving in hostile and lifeless lands.” Grizzly Bear Grylls had managed to make his way into the kitchen and continued to prod things with his spork, puncturing a loaf of bread and tipping over an assortment of decorative vases.
“Stop that. What are you doing anyway?” Rarity garbled as she struggled to compose herself.
“Poking the environment is a good way to test it’s stability while giving you the added bonus of having a weapon at the ready in case of a rogue utensil attack. Aha, it seems we’ve found a small cache of food. Be warned however, food may not always be fresh and is no substitute for water.” Charcoal Grylls had managed to pry open the fridge door revealing several fresh grocery products and a packet of instant egg mix (just add carrots!).
“But I just came back from the market! Oh no not the marshmallows!” Rarity nearly swooned at the sight of her prized “comfort food” being sloppily devoured.
“Wif a mouffull of marfmellowf if eafy to get dehydrafed,” Bear swallowed as he readied a an emptied pickle jar from inside the fridge. “And I’m getting kind of thirsty myself, honestly. If you’re ever lacking a source of fresh water, a good emergency tactic is to recycle the fluids in your body. Better drink my own-”
“Not today and not in here!” Rarity yelled as she used her magic to pull Bear Grylls by the ear. “Now now, not ever.” Rarity also took the opportunity to steal the camera and camera guy away.
“Here in Ponyville, it’s all about survival. Many of these locals now scavenge for food and she now demonstrated, will sometimes rob you of any opportunity to eat or rehydrate. In these cases, it’s better to act smart and run. I had packed plenty of food when she wasn’t looking, and I never have to stop using the bathroom so we have all our bases covered.”
“You what now?”
With Rarity’s concentration broken Bear was able to slip from her grasp and bolt for the door pelting her with the rope and jabbing towards her with the spork in a defensive fashion as he backed away. Eventually, he was able to find a nice place under a random apple tree to eat his meal and ventured outwards climbing over several small buildings and setting fire to a wagon in a botched attempt at teaching the viewers how to start a fire.
“We’ve made great strides in our fight for survival, and now it’s time for us to make our way back to the rescue points. Using my GPS enhanced memory of the landscape from the skydive, I can estimate that the plane was grounded over...there!” Bear pointed towards the plane stationed near Rarity’s home.
Taking mighty strides, he jogged to the plane and signaled the driver for takeoff but Rarity saw him and took the opportunity to chase him down.
“Get back here you ruffian. You still haven’t paid me for the door!” Yelled Rarity as she chased down the moving plane.
“Jarate!” Bear yelled back as he threw a jar he filled with lemonade he stole from a filly’s lemonade stand.
The jar nearly missed Rarity and while it disgusted Rarity to no end it only spurred her on as she continued her chase.
“Now this is what I call textbook survival. Stay tuned in next time for the continuing adventures of me, Bear Grylls, as I continue to show mother nature just who wears the pants in this relationship.”
“Stop the plane. Get back here!”
“Sorry, but I can’t. I have to go now. My planet needs me.”
And with that, the plane ascended as they headed for their hotel near Canterlot.
Note: Bear Grylls died on the way back to his home planet.
Heisenberg in Equestria
“I don’t know, Rarity, Twilight never lets me have sapphires *this* blue,” Spike told Rarity sheepishly. The two Equestrians were sitting around in the town Library. Rarity had stopped in for a book, but upon seeing Spike, struck up a conversation.
“Don’t worry, Darling. She won’t mind. It will be our little secret,” she assured the cautious dragon. The unicorn levitated a small bag with blue gems to Spike. He gripped it slowly. “If you’d like some more, just come get me. It would be my pleasure.”
Spike looked at Rarity, “Did you need any help with a book or something?” Rarity scrunched her muzzle.
“Help? Oh! No, in fact I better get going now. Bye, darling!” Rarity hurried from the library. Her heart was racing but she kept to a gentle trot. She tried to make eye contact with no one until she made it back to her boutique.
As she locked the door behind herself she heard footsteps. A gruff male spoke up. “How did it go?” he asked.
Rarity licked her lips, “it turned out fine,” she said.
“Did you get the money?”
“Actually, Walt,” she began.
“No, Rarity!” he yelled, “I am the danger!”
“Okay, okay,” she muttered. “I didn’t charge him yet.”
Walt threw his hands into the air. “You didn’t charge him? How am *I* supposed to provide for my family when we don’t charge bits for this? This meth that *I* make? Did you even think to yourself that we’d need money to make more? Did that run through your little pony-head?”
Rarity turned away, “He was just too adorable, Walt. I’ll make him buy it next time.”
“Damn straight you will.” Walter turned away from Rarity. “We need more materials, Rarity.”
“Oh, where are we going to get them? I thought you said it was too risky to buy it places,” Rarity said.
“It is dangerous,” White brooded, “but I think it would be better to steal it. Canterlot has a science lab which should have some fine methylamine for the taking.”
Rarity thought for a second, “Won’t they just know it’s you? I mean you certainly don’t look like a pony and there aren’t a lot of humans in Equestria, and none of them too smart…”
“I’m just trying to provide for my family, Rarity. Can’t you see that?”
*** A Few Days Later***
Twilight and her brother, Shining Armor, were standing in the library. Twilight was holding back tears.
“I just don’t understand, Shining, he was such a good dragon,” Twilight told him.
“It’s not your fault, Twili. I’ll get some of the guys to scare him straight. A lot of young people do this kind of stuff,” Shining told his sister. He could see a few tears drip down her cheek.
“I always told him this kind of stuff was bad… where could he have gotten it from?”
Shining Armor put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “We’ll find out, Twi. The royal guard is here for that.”
Twilight gave him a big hug. “Thanks, bro.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been so distant too. Some science stuff was stolen some days back and we’re hot on the trail.”
Twilight drew back, “Who would be evil enough to steal some science stuff?”
“We don’t know, but we aren’t ruling out anyone.”
***Elsewhere***
“No, Rarity, it has to be pure!” Walter scolded the white unicorn.
“Hmph,” Rarity retorted, “I think it would be much more excellent if it had some nice diamonds in it. Or maybe some gold!”
Walt picked up the offending gems and threw them out of the RV. They had driven for hours into the deeper parts of the Everfree. “No! My product will be pure. It’s what’s expected of it.”
“Okay, I must be just a little out of my head in all this heat. Gatorade me, darling.”
There was a knocking on the door of the RV. Walt looked at Rarity and motioned for her to stay quiet. He proceeded to walk to and open the door. Outside was a small pony, his greasy hair and pimply demeanor didn’t fool Walter.
“You’ve been selling on our territory,” the new pony told Walt.
“I’m sure this some sort of misunderstanding,” Walt began to explain.
The pony cut him off, “You don’t understand, my dear friend. This is our territory, and you stay out of it. I work for some very dangerous people, ‘Heisenberg’. The cartel is watching you.” The small pony started to walk away.
“Is that what you think is going to happen? That someone is just going to knock on my door and shoot me? Let me tell you something. I’m the one who knock! I’m the danger!” Walt yelled after the pony. He turned back inside to the RV.
“What was that?” she asked.
“Nothing,” he paused, “But… we need to cook more.”
End of WW in Equestria Season One.
Clap-Trap
“Hey there,” the metal contraption blurted out as he continued to pound on the library doors. Around him Ponyville went on as it usually did. However it seemed that ponies were taking an unusually wide berth for the library at this moment. “I know you’re in there, minion, so just open up!”
There was faint whispering inside behind the door. “What do we do?” asked one nerdy pony.
“I could fly us out of here,” came an athletic voice.
Twilight thought deeply. Surely they did need a way to get rid of the annoying robot. Inspiration struck Twilight. “Upstairs, trust me!” she told Rainbow Dash. The two ponies hurried upstairs.
“Oh my gosh,” Rainbow spouted as she glanced around Twilight’s spacious upstairs interior. “Is this magic?” The upstairs of the library, instead of Twilight’s lonely room, was now a cab stop. A cab stood waiting.
“Yes Rainbow, we will use this spell I invented to get out of Claptrap’s path,” Twilight told her. “Do you have fare?”
Rainbow grunted uneasily as she loosened some money that all pegasi have strapped under their wings. The two ponies approached the cab. The passenger window rolled down.
“’Ey, where ya’ going?” the driver asked in a New Yorkian accent.
“We would like to go to Applejack’s please,” Twilight said.
“Hop in!” the driver commanded.
As the two ponies got into the yellow cabbie, Rainbow Dash spoke to Twilight. “Why are we going to Applejack’s?” she asked.
“I don’t know, I’m not good when asked questions like that,” she responded.
Suddenly lights began to flash all around the interior, music blared through hidden speakers. The driver turned back to face the ponies. “Hello girls and welcome to cash cab, I’m Ben Bailey and I’ll be your host tonight. Are you two ready to play?”
Rainbow Dash shook her head repeatedly.
“If you two don’t play I’m afraid I’ll have to drop you two off with the annoying robot,” Ben said solemnly.
Twilight nodded her head, “I’ve been prepared for moments like this my entire life”
“Very good,” Ben said, “now here is the first question. The current ruler of Equestria is who?”
“Oh!” Twilight burst out, “Oh, oh, oh… uhm.”
“Twilight, we don’t have time to mess around,” Rainbow pleaded.
“Just give me a second….” Twilight told her.
Ben started to drive off to Applejack’s. He had told them he was taking the shortest route but it was taking an awfully long time.
“You’ve got ten seconds,” Ben called back.
“It’s Princess C-“ Rainbow wanted to say but Twilight cut her off.
“No helping!” she screamed. Twilight scrunched up her muzzle. ‘You got this’, she thought.
“Five, four, thre-“ Ben counted.
“Princess Celestia!” Twilight garbled, “I knew I would get it.”
“Congratulations on the 50 bits, ladies. Now for the second question, Rene Descartes practiced a form of philosophy called what?”
“I’ve never studied philosophy before,” Twilight moaned. She fell backwards and covered her face with her hoof. “Truly we are doomed.”
Rainbow Dash piped up, “Radical doubt”
The lights in the cab flashed again. “Correct!” Ben yelled over his back, taking his eyes off the road and swerving into oncoming traffic. Horns blared about the cab. “Whoa-ho! Sorry about that,” Ben reconciled as he got back into his lane. “For the next question, how long is a mare’s natural estrus cycle?” Ben looked back at the blushing mares and put on some sick shades.
The two mares got out of the car. They were absconded by terrible Claptrap.
“Hey girls, I saw you two took cab, great work, you two should stay rested for this mission. Now I’m not going to lie, you might die, but that’s okay because you two are pretty capable. I’ve got complete confidence in you.” He wheeled closer and put his arms around the two. “I need you to go pick me up a donut from Pony Joe’s. About a dozen might do.”
Dejected, the two mares walked off from the bot. “We’ve got to do something,” Rainbow told Twilight.
“I have the greatest idea,” Twilight jazzed, “We get that Isaac boy down here and he’ll do something.”
“But how do we call him?” Rainbow asked.
Twilight scratched her chinny-chin chin. “I know what to do,” she garbled. “Isaac Isaac Isaac.”
A rather gaunt and scraggly man appeared before the two. “I knew you’d back,” he said.
“Yes, Isaac, we want you back and we want to play many games with you such as head-ball and menial labor.” Twilight grabbed a small magical sphere and put it in Isaac’s hand. “But first we need you to give this to that robot over there.”
Isaac nodded and ran over to the robot. As soon as they both held the sphere it erupted into a fantastic blue fireball. Both the things were incinerated.
“Well that’s that,” Twilight said.
Draven
http://leagueoflegends.wikia.com/wiki/League_of_Legends_Wiki backgrounds can be found here.
Celestia’s throne-room betrayed the warm sun today. Her body shivered as wind poured through the room. Celestia sighed as she looked at the stack of letters from Twilight. Slowly she picked one up. Luna, her sister, gave Celestia a cup of warm tea.
“Thanks, Luna,” Celestia said as she sipped the tea. Luna took a seat next to Celestia.
“The guards tell me we have a special guest today,” Luna mentioned casually. Celestia peered up from Twilight’s letters.
“Oh yes, some fellow… Craving or something.”
Luna giggled, “They sure do give ponies weird names these days. Not like a thousand years ago, no. We used to have Battering Rams, but now we’ve got Sea Swells and Fluttershys.”
“Yes, that is a shame,” Celestia agreed.
The two sisters sat in silence. The only breaks being the ruffling of the scrolls, the sipping of tea, and the tapping of Luna’s hooves.
“When is he supposed to show up?” Celestia asked Luna.
“Let me ask,” Luna said. She called for a guard. The stock-guard hustled in.
“Yes, my princess,” the guard wheezed.
“When is Craving going to show up?” Luna asked.
“Sorry, miss, who?” he asked.
“Craving,” Celestia offered.
“I don’t think I’ve heard of that pony before. Let me ask my associate.” The guard called in another guard. Guard #2 showed true hustle in entering the room.
“Yes, sir?” he saluted.
“When is Craving supposed to come before the Princesses’?” Guard one asked.
“Craving? Craving, Craving...,” the second guard thought. He looked at the two princesses staring intently at him. ‘It sure is a good thing those two aren’t into molestation,’ he thought. Suddenly the name got to him. “It’s not Craving, it’s Draven.”
“Oh,” said Celestia, “Well when does Draven have an appointment?”
“I’m afraid I really don’t know,” said the second guard.
“I do,” the first guard interjected, “His appointment started five minutes ago. I’m afraid he hasn’t shown up.”
“Very well, send him in immediately if he shows up,” Luna commanded. The two guards bowed and hustled right back out, but this time double time.
Luna smiled at Celestia, “look at me giving orders and stuff.”
“I’m very happy for you,” Celestia said. She was deep into another of Twilight’s letters.
Luna sighed and looked back towards the great door. Celestia sipped her tea. Luna tapped a hoof against the throne. Slowly her smile faded to a frown.
“So,” Luna began, “airline food.”
Celestia looked up. “What about it?”
“I mean… what’s up with that?” Luna looked at her sister. Celestia wasn’t laughing.
“We’ve all heard that joke a million times, Luna.”
“I know, I think it’s funny. Why aren’t you laughing?” Luna pleaded.
“For one thing, you didn’t give the inflection needed.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well,” Celestia said thoughtfully. She put away Twilight’s scroll. “You need to emphasize the up. Like, What’s *up* with that? You see?”
“Why?” asked Luna.
“What do you mean why? It’s the joke!”
“I thought it was just a not funny joke!”
“No, it’s about the airline food being *up* in the air,” Celestia explained.
“Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh I just got that. Oh my, I’ve known that joke for over a thousand years and I *just* got what it means.”
“Really, Luna?” Celestia asked.
“Yeah, I never even realized,” Luna laughed.
Celestia leaned back and resumed looking at Twilight’s letters.
“That student of mine,” Celestia piped up.
Luna turned to her. “What’s up?”
“She’s telling me all about this clone stuff that went on.”
“Didn’t Pinkie send that letter?” Luna asked.
“How’d you know that? Regardless, I wonder what it’d be like if we cloned ourselves.”
“That might be cool. Then I wouldn’t be so lonely,” Luna said. (Feels)
“Clones of me might be good. I could mentor *all* the unicorns and we would wipe away the scum of-“ Celestia was cut off as the grand door opened.
“Aw, welcome Draven to,” Luna stopped short. A guard pony ran up to the thrones.
“Yes, my guard?” Celestia asked.
“Draven is on his way. He got waylaid, said he had some business to attend to in his home of Bad-Place-That-Isn’t-Demacia-Or-Ionia.”
“Oh, Detrot?” Celestia asked.
“Eh,” the guard said, “Not really.”
“Whatever, show him in,” Luna commanded. The guard bowed and triple-timed out.
Luna and Celestia looked at each other and gave little smiles.
“First business of the day jitters, am I right?” Celestia asked.
“Yeah, always get a little jittery when this kind of stuff happens,” Luna admitted.
“Don’t worry, it will pass. I remember when I first started this after my brutal rise to power,” Celestia admitted.
“I remember that too. I was there after all. We are the same age I think.”
“I think that too,” Celestia agreed.
A Draven-ish figure appeared in the doorway. He approached with a saunter.
“Hello, ladies,” he said.
“Hello, subject,” the princesses said together.
“Well I know that you’ve heard of me, so I’ll spare the introduction,” he chuckled.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of you,” Celestia said, “except for today of course. What about you Luna?”
“Same,” Luna agreed.
“W-what?” Draven asked.
“We’ve never heard of you,” Luna told him.
“This is hooey,” Draven said, “Absolutely ridiculous.”
“Why?” Celestia asked.
“Do you know what I’ve been doing in this littler country for the last month?” he asked.
“No,” the princesses answered.
“Well, let me tell you,” he told them.
***
“Can’t do it,” Darth Vader wheezed at Draven. The two figures were watching Starkiller run from an Ursa Major. Starkiller was falling behind from Trixie’s fleeing cart.
“Guys, come on!” Starkiller screamed.
“No, I got this,” Draven assured Darth Vader. The executioner picked up one of Trixie’s *magic* rocks and cocked his arm back. “Just got to wait for a smoother period. All this jostling is not good for my aim.”
“Smooth periods won’t help that fact that you can’t do it,” Darth taunted.
“Have you ever hit a running man from 100 meters with a throwing axe?” Draven asked. The Ursa Major let out a roar. Starkiller shrieked.
“Yeah. Have you ever tried hitting a tiny, green, jumping man who can’t sit still for like 3 seconds?”
“I’ll admit I haven’t,” Draven said.
“Well it’s hard. That’s all I’m saying.”
Draven nodded. “Perfect smoothness right now,” he mentioned. Squinting his eyes he chucked the rock at Starkiller. It bounced off his head and the Sith went down. The Ursa Majot stopped the chase to eat the fallen man.
“Well then,” Vader scoffed.
“Yeah, I did it,” Draven told him.
“Whatever,” Vader said. “So what are you doing with this little show?”
“I’m doing whatever I can to become famous,” he answered coolly.
“Fair enough. I guess that’s why you’ve been hanging with us for about a month and are now on your way to Canterlot?”
“Yup,” Draven answered.
“Awesome.”
“And that is my story,” Draven concluded.
“Uhuh,” Celestia said dumbfounded.
“And what exactly is your purpose for being here today?” Luna asked.
“I want to fight your greatest champions,” Draven declared.
“What?” both princesses asked.
“Me and a team of my good friends with fight five of your best.”
“So be it!” Celestia declared.
“Sister, this is crazy,” Luna gasped.
“I know it is, dear sister,” Celestia explained. “But sometimes you have to do the crazy things in life.”
“Yolo,” Luna offered.
“Yolo,” Celestia returned. She turned back to Draven. “I will have my five greatest subjects report to the fields of battle tomorrow at noon. Be ready.”
***
“Are you sure this isn’t stupid?” asked Applejack. She was fidgeting under her ill-fitting armor.
“No,” Twilight said, “This is pretty awful. I wish I didn’t have to do it.” She looked at her four friends; Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie. “Okay, from what I understand, we have to pick roles, so let’s do that now. I would like to in the middle.”
“No I want to be mid,” Rarity complained.
“Okay Rarity, we can discuss this reasonably,” Twilight offered.
“Too late, already locked in.”
“Okay then, I’ll be the bot DPS,” Twilight grumbled.
“No way,” Rainbow said, “that’s my totally cool job.”
“Can’t you be my support?”
“No.”
“Fine,” Twilight said, “I’ll be support bot. What about you Pinkie and Applejack?”
“Well, I like trees so I’ll jungle,” Applejack said.
“Solo top!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Okay this is perfect!” Twilight exclaimed. “Make sure to gank top, Applejack, okay?”
“Sure thing, whatever that means.”
***
(On the fields of Battles)
“You know, from what I read, I thought there’s be more than just this one little area to stand in,” Twilight said. The five ponies stood in an area the size of a hoofball field. A tower stood on each goal line. There was a rustling shrubbery near them.
“That bush is suspicious, check it out, Pinkie,” Applejack said.
The pink pony walked into the shrubbery. Five minutes passed and she did not walk out.
“I think she died,” Rarity cried.
“Bummer,” Twilight said.
The four ponies looked to the opposite end of the field. A white cat on two legs was running at them.
“1v1 me, scrubs,” it said.
“What?” Rainbow Dash asked as it came closer.
“No team or I repot u.” A laser from the tower targeted the kitty. The cat-person was enveloped in a flash of light and disappeared.
“This is easy,” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
Applejack let out a grunt of pain. “Something hit me,” she said.
“Look,” Rarity said, “In the bush!”
A tall man in a coat was standing in the bush. The foliage covered up to his waist. In one hand he held a deck of cards, in the other a single card. He flicked it at Applejack.
“Get wreked, faget,” Twisted Fate exclaimed.
“I got this,” Rarity told the three ponies left. She ran up to the man and kicked him in the groin.
He let out a slow moan. All four ponies heard a strange voice mention the slaying of an enemy.
“Well this fun,” Twilight remarked. “But there should only be three of them left. Maybe if we walk towards their tower we can do it.”
“Let’s take the bush with us, the tower can’t hurt us if we crawl around in it,” Applejack suggested.
The four ponies uprooted the bush and crept up to the opposing tower hidden in the leafy fortress. As the ponies got nearer they saw 3 humans standing around the tower. One, Drave, another looked like a bad-robocop with a third arm, that last was a woman who had dark orbs circling her.
“Do ya’ think we can take ‘em, Twilight?” Applejack asked.
Twilight thought hard for a second. She took a step out of the bush.
“Twilight is numero uno, hue hue hue,” she said as the tower targeted her. She ran back into the bush.
“No,” Viktor said, “I am numero uno.” He gave his staff to his third arm and charged at the bush. As soon as he entered Rarity gave a staggering kick to his privates.
“Easy game, for casuals,” Rarity remarked.
Draven looked at the creeping bush, “I won’t lose like this! Time to carry these scrubs.” Draven threw his axes at the bush, missed, and leapt inside, never to be seen again.
Once again the ponies heard the voice from the sky talk, ‘A summoner has reconnected’
Syndra, the woman with the dark orbs, looked around her for a brief second.
“Team is noobs, GG,” she said.
FOR MORNINGGLORY, WHO NEVER GAVE UP ON ME
Twilight Sparkle sat alone, like she did most nights, in her library. She was reading a book she’d long put off while lying in bed. Spike lay stretched out on the end of the bed, munching hungrily on a bag of gem jerky. Twilight dropped the book from her magic slowly, letting it fall lightly on her fuzzy chest. She breathed heavily and buried her head into a pillow.
“Ugh!” she exclaimed, though muffled through the pillow. “Why is it so hard to learn alicorn etiquette? Isn’t it all looking pretty and not doing anything important?”
Spike looked up from his bag of gems.
“It’s not that bad, Twilight,” he said trying to comfort his best friend. “And besides, Princess Celestia you had as long as you wanted before she gave you royal duties.” Twilight rolled her eyes but the motion was lost on Spike, who couldn’t see through the pillow.
“We all know what that means, Spike,” she said sarcastically. “It means if I don’t hurry up, my ass is grass!”
“Oh yeah,” Spike said slowly. He remembered the last time Twilight had failed Celestia.
“I just wish it wasn’t so hard being me,” she said.
“You think that’s hard?” A strange, masculine voice said. Twilight had never heard the voice before and her head shot up, pillow flying off and knocking Spike off the bed.
“W-who said that?” she asked. She looked around nervously. The door to her room was ajar and beyond it lie the shadows of the lonely home. She thought she saw something move, but she wasn’t sure. “Reveal yourself!”
A tall man pushed open the door and walked through. He wore a light-blue jumpsuit and had a long blade strapped to his back. His hair was a golden blonde and was formed into tall spikes which dragged across the ceiling, some of them left long scars in the wood. The scars dripped with hair gel.
“Pervert!” Twilight yelled, covering her naked body with the blanket on her blanket.
“You wish I was,” the figure said quickly, but then reverted to his devil-may-care attitude. “I’m Cloud.”
“Why are you here?” Twilight demanded.
“I’m the angel of angst,” he said. “You’ve been angsty, that means I had to visit.”
“Well I think it’s okay that I’ve been angsty,” she said. “I have a lot of responsibility now. I’m a princess.”
“That’s no reason, woman,” he said.
“I’m sixteen!”
“Doesn’t matter! I’ll show you angst. I’m, like, not even a real person,” Cloud said. He made a big show of placing his head between his hands and looking mournfully.
“Philosophy?” she asked. Cloud pulled his head up.
“No, I’m, like, literally not a real person. I’m some space alien cells and a dude’s memories.”
“That’s pretty wack, yo,” Twilight agreed. Cloud nodded.
“And the girl I love is in love with another dude,” he continued on. “Isn’t that just the worst?”
“Well you could be dead,” Spike said. He rose up from the floor and massaged his concussed head. “That would be the worst.”
“There was the time I was dead!” Cloud said hurriedly. He looked side to side. “Yeah, yeah I died and shit.”
“But you’re alive,” Twilight pointed out shrewdly. She patted herself on the back for an accurate observation.
“Nooooo,” Cloud said. “I’m not! In fact, I’m only half alive, actually.”
“How does that make sense?” Spike asked, he didn’t want this shit happening. He took a handful of gem jerky and lifted it towards his mouth. Cloud’s mouth turned into a large O as his jaw dropped and he dashed towards Spike. He knocked the gems from Spike’s hands.
“What are you doing, dumb dragon?” he asked angrily. “Those are materia, which you don’t eat.”
Spike spit at Cloud. “No,” he insisted, “they’re not. They’re gems that were dried and spiced with a dry rub.”
“Even if what you said was true,” Cloud laughed, “that wouldn’t make any sense!” Spike wasn’t amused. Cloud picked up a few of the gems and looked at them thoughtfully. “Now watch this, ICE!” He shoved a blue gem into Spike’s face. Spike gave it a small lick.
“No,” he said, “it’s avocado.”
“Are you being a bitch?” Cloud asked.
“Are we done?” Twilight asked. She had gone back to reading her book. Cloud turned to her.
“No, we’re not done. I need you to learn to not be angsty.”
“Well that’s too bad because I’m really busy and you’re annoying.” Cloud was shocked.
“I’m not leaving until you learn a lesson!” He declared. Twilight threw her book out the window.
“Spike,” she said, “take a note about how I’m going to kick this guy’s ass.” Twilight leapt out of the bed at the human. Cloud had years of military experience on her however, and he reacted quickly. He ducked to the left and came up with his shoulder under her soft, cuddly belly. Her fluffy coat stopped the blow and she came up swinging. But her fur was against her this time. Cloud was unaffected but her hooves due to the fuzzy fur. His hand brushed one of her hooves and he felt his heart skip a beat.
“I-” he stuttered. Twilight blushed.
“Don’t,” she said. But Cloud said it anyways.
“Ice,” he said. Cloud threw the blue gem at her face. It bounced off her horn.
Garruk Wildspeaker
Pinkie was putting the finishing touches on a wedding cake that had been designed for the Princess Twilight Sprakle’s marriage to Spike when there was a knock at the door. Grunting, she put down the frosting tube, hopped of the precarious ladder she’d set up and trotted to the door. There was nopony there. Pinkie was not a happy mare. The Cake’s had been late in giving her money so she’d had nothing to eat but plain sugar.
Normally she’d be happy with just that but without the money, she didn’t even get the choice to maybe dress up with Rarity, go out, and eat some Wheat Wellington. She just didn't get that choice with no money. At the end of the day, Pinkie got upset when she didn't get the choice. Not that she’d be caught dead going on a ‘date’ with Rarity. She shuddered when she thought of what would happened to her reputation. Rarity was a buzzkill in her circles. Pinkie shook the thoughts of meanness out of her head and replaced them with the important thoughts of cake and the decorating thereof.
Grinning again she climbed back onto the towering ladder and picked up the nearly empty frosting tube. A few roses, a few reimaginings of Twilight’s cutie marks and a few discrete pictures of mares and dragons hidden under the frosting roses. She giggled to herself in her cleverness.
“Go’b thin’ I taugh’ Spi’e some tric’s,” she said to herself, her mouth full of frosting. The ground beneath her rumbled. In a panic she reached out to grab onto something. Her hooves sank into soft, moist, cake. Pinkie bit down angrily, frosting spraying all over herself. A particularly large glob landed on her flank, on the top-most balloon in her cutie mark and slowly trailed down the string. It was cool against her fur and skin. The sensation made her relax a little. All she had to do was cover the holes with more frosting and nopony would ever notice.
The rumbling started again. This time Pinkie felt the ladder give way beneath her.
“Gummy!” she screamed as she fell ten feet to the floor. The floor rose up to meet her on her rump, smearing the frosting all over her cutie mark. She frowned at the now light blue flank she had. There was another knock at the door. Now she was upset. She strode to the door and threw it open.
“Hello?” she demanded from the air outside. With no one to answer her she turned back inside. The wedding cake was rumbling. “What?” she asked herself. A large shape burst from the cake and flung itself at her. She squeaked and tried to run. The shape had caught her off guard and quickly had it’s thick and meaty hands around her. She squeaked again.
“At least, you are mine Liliana!” the shape declared.
“I’m not whoever that is,” Pinkie explained, “I’m Pinkie!” The stranger looked at her cautiously. Pinkie got a good look at him for the first time. He was a tall, bear of a man with thick brown hair. He work a unremarkable grey mask covering all his face but his eyes and mouth. On his back wore a large axe. For clothes he just wore handmade leather pants and a shirt that did nothing to hide his bulging muscles. Pinkie squeaked for the third time in a short while.
“Pinkie, huh?” he asked. He let go of her and he stood back. He eyed her suspiciously. “I’m Garruk Wildspeaker. Planeswalker. I’m here to find Liliana and remove this curse.”
“You’re cursed!” Pinkie exclaimed. “My family is too!”
Garruk gazed into her eyes. “This is fate!” he declared. “If we two are cursed, then we just need to help each other then the curses will be lifted!”
“That sounds like it would work,” Pinkie agreed.
“What curse is your family under?”
“You see, we’re cursed to grow rocks instead of things that can actually grow. I don’t know what that’s all about really.” Garruk looked convinced at her tale.
“Yeah, that sounds like a good one. I need to get some animal mojo first. Lead me.” Pinkie stood still, waiting for him to clarify. He didn’t. She turned to the door and started to walk when she felt a warm hand underneath her and pick her up.
“You’re too slow!” he bellowed. Pinkie was scared.
“Uhm, k,” she said. She started to point Garruk towards a place where he could feast on some fine mojo. “So,” she said, breaking the silence, “do you like to party?”
“I don’t party.”
“Not even a birthday party?”
“Beasts don’t typically celebrate birthdays.”
“Ponies do!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“I’m not a pony,” he said grudgingly. Pinkie put on a sly smile.
“That doesn’t matter! Some of my best friends are, uh, donkeys?”
Garruk let out a heavy, belly laugh. “You are the silliest pony,” he admitted. He put a large hand on her rump and lifted her off his shoulder and put her down. “But you’re useless to me. I wouldn’t even use you for a 1/1 token.” He took a step back from her.
“What are you doing? I thought we were going to help each other’s curse!”
“Sorry, Babe, I was just using to get more power.”
“But why?” Pinkie’s eyes were watering.
“I just... I have a lot of feelings.” Garruk turned and ran back, planeswalking to a world that was literally just High School.
Captain Jack Sparrow for Moon_Fire
It was Speak Like A Pirate day in Ponyville, and there was one pony who didn’t like the holiday, she didn’t like it at all. Nopony ever asked why, they knew not the reason. When Fall came around she hated the season. It could be that her head wasn’t screwed on quite right. Perhaps it could be her apron was too tight. But I think the most likely reason of all, was that her heart simply was two sizes too small.
She sat in her shop, with roses and hoses, sneering at ponies who turned up their noses. She hated being there, in the store, till it closes. ‘It’s not fair,’ she would say, the only pony opposes, ‘that I should celebrate this day that imposes.’ She had closed the door and put up signs, each of them with elaborate designs. Though they only work when nopony declines, but that won’t happen, everypony minds.
There was a rap at the door, she’d closed it before. “Please don’t talk like a pirate!” she deplored. She heard a grumble and yarr and the door fell silent. “I sure hope I don’t have to rhyme anymore.” And she didn’t, so she leaned back on her stool, the wooden legs dug deeply into the dirt floor. Roseluck looked around the room nervously.
So far this year had been pretty decent. She’d known Pirate Day was going to happen a week in advance. Every day since then she’d worked nearly twenty-five hours a day putting together flower arrangements just so she wouldn't have to listen to ponies talk like pirates. Ever since she'd been a foal she’d hated pirates, especially the way they talked.
It had been a pretty good day today, at least. Due to the many hours she’d worked she’d slept until one in the afternoon. Roseluck hadn’t even bothered opening the store. Pirate Day didn’t even have the common decency to keep it’s pirate talk on the day. The other day Daisy had wanted to go with Rose to the spa today, and had the audacity to say ‘on yaaaaaar day’. It took all she had not to knock her out. Roseluck snapped out her daydream when there was another knock on the door.
“NOT OPEN,” she screamed. Briefly she wondered why she was even in the store while it was closed, that probably caused a lot of confusion from her customers. The knocked didn’t listen, instead, he crashed through the door with a drunken stupor, which is also how he stood up.
“Ahoy, miss,” he said. Roseluck’s ears flattened against her head.
“Why did you say that?” she asked. The pirate seemed to ignore her and began to pick through the flowers she had left in the store. “Hello?”
“Sorry, mate,” he said, “I’m jus’ talking like I always do.”
“Please don’t,” Roseluck begged. The pirate looked indignant.
“I’m hurt,” he said. “I’m Jack Sparrow, a Captain! I can’t just *not* talk like me, then I wouldn’t be me.” Roseluck had to agree.
“I’m closed,” she affirmed to Jack.
“You never told me your name, lass,” he said.
“I know.”
“I’ll speak more piratey,” he threatened.
“You won’t,” Roseluck called his bluff.
“I will,” he said.
“We don’t negotiate with terrorists,” Roseluck called out as she leapt under the store counter. She had ear plugs and headphones, if she could just reach them... but she was undone. Instead of the safety she’d have in silence she found a note.
“I had to borrow them for science” - Twilight. That bitch, Roseluck thought, most unbecoming for a mare such as herself. But these were troubled days which required troubling words. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Jack hadn’t made good on this threats.
“Ahoy!” he screamed. Roseluck’s hooves flew up to her ears.
“Stahp,” he pleaded. But he wouldn’t give up.
“Why’s the rum always gone? Raise the mizzenmasts! Aye!” Jack wouldn’t relent on the poor mare.
‘What did I do to deserve this?’ Roseluck wondered. And just before she died she was saved. A medium height, skinny, white guy walked into the room. Celestia was roused with remembrance, and had also been there in the corner, hiding behind the ‘Mums.
“I know you,” she said to the new man.
“Stop harassing the poor mare,” the new man said to Jack. Jack just went all like that and was like, ‘you’re not the boss of me, Will Turner.’ “Yes I am,” Will Turner said back sternly.
“No,” Celestia declared, “you’re not!” Will and Jack turned to her, Roseluck was unconscious from the sheer pain of useless pirate talk.
“Who am I?” he asked in a sing-song voice. Celestia didn’t understand why he had just started singing but it didn’t matter. He had ruined her castle already.
“You’re that elf guy,” she said and he was.
“They’re taking the Hobbits to Isengard!” he screamed and ran away over the broken door. Jack Sparrow looked mildly uncomfortable.
“I don’t think I appreciated that,” Jack said.
“Why, are you a big baby?” Celestia bullied him.
“I just need some rum,” he said uncomfortably. He had a terrible thought then. He *did* have rum. He took out the tiny bottle of rum he had in his boot and drank that bad boy down. “Dayum,” he said coolly. He could feel the effects of the rum immediately in real life, even though his liver was blackened through years of prolonged alcohol abuse and alcoholism.
“I’ll take you down!” Jack shouted at the white alicorn. He climbed up the flower display and let loose an atomic piledriver all over Celestia’s porcelain body. “Can you smell what the rock is cooking?” he asked rhetorically. Roseluck had awoken and lay still behind the counter, hearing what she could only imagine was incredibly rough sex. And then she remembered why she hated Pirate Day, because this happened every year.
With a satisfied and content sigh Roseluck placed the last barrel of canned roses into her backroom. night was quickly closing in on the poor mare, she reflected. Nighttime was pretty boring for her as she didn’t have any special somepony to spend the night with. Unlike the rest of seemingly everypony in Equestria she wasn’t a swinger who swung every day and often every hour. It was a strange place, she noted.
There was an awkward footstep behind her. She turned hurriedly and shouted, “Pirates not welcomewereclosedpleasegoaway!” But it wasn’t a pirate. It was a tall, pale man who wore grubby leather clothes. “Oh, hi.”
“Hey,” he said. “I know this is awkward but I’m looking for some ‘flowers’.” Roseluck nodded knowlingly. Humans often looked for a certain plant around her. She winked poorly.
“I’ve got just the right stuff, my friend.” She passed him a tulip and he frowned.
“No,” he said, but before he could say anything else Roseluck got indignant.
“Who do you think you are?” she asked. “I’m the goddamned flower pony of this one particular store because there’s at least two others who sell Lilies and Daisies! I’m the one who plants!” Artyom, the man, was taken aback and then introduced himself, as did Roseluck. Both of them blushed.
“I guess I jumped the gun,” Artyom admitted. “But seriously lady, I’m looking for some weed, yo.” Roseluck gasped. She had heard all the terrible things ponies had said about weed and the like.
“I’m a classy mare,” she said. “I pluck all the weeds out of my garden.” Artyom was suspicious.
“You ponies don’t have the good weed like we do is Clutzhyouski . We get only the finest import of dirt from Stergeonofskidovino !” Roseluck was scared of the man now. He was saying words that didn’t even make sense in the Equestrian Alphabet. It was almost as though he was using weird numbers in his words. She felt tears of fear welling up.
“I’m scared,” she said. Artyom receded.
“No, small horse. I didn’t mean to make you scared. All I wanted was to blaze it before the dark ones come.”
“You shouldn’t call Zebras that,” Roseluck said to the man. He snarkled.
“Not Zebra you dope! I mean creatures who will make you fear your deepest fears and stuff. They have taken over my metro home and I’m only here to smoke weedz and find a book.”
“Book, huh?” Roseluck asked having forgotten that she should be afraid of her deepest fears. “I know a mare with books!”
ELSEWHERE
Twilight was having a nightmare, Spike knew it. She was tossing and turning in her Princess-sized bed. All Spike could do was not really care and sleep in his basket looking at lewd pictures of dragons with gems in unsettling places. On her bed Twilight was deeply unsettled by her deepest fears. She couldn’t help but speak through the delirium.
“Not her! She’s my teacher! It’s not like that!” she muttered through the haze. “I’m a girl though.... blaaaaagh.” Spike looked up from the book wondering what she could possibly be thinking of. Luckily he came to a quick decision that she was being asked to throw a party for Celestia and Twilight didn’t want to muddy the relationship of Teacher and Student. Strangely enough he didn’t want to hear what Twilight was saying in her sleep, he barely liked listening to her when she was awake so he got out of his basket, placed the magazine where Twilight would never look (taped to the mirror) and put a pillow over her head. Just as he’d gotten back to his basket Twilight woke with a jump.
“Celestia that’s improper!” she yelped and pushed the pillow away. “Oh,” she said flatly and blushed. “Did I say anything when I was sleeping?” she asked Spike. He didn’t reply. Twilight was relieved, but not for long. A dark-dressed man crashed through her door.
“I’m sorry, lady,” Artyom said, “But you gotta smoek ‘dis weed.”
“No I don’t,” Twilight conferred. “I’m a strong and independant mare that only used one servant to do all my work.”
“Neat,” Artyom said to her. He frowned. “I guess no Dark Ones showed up?” he asked.
“No whats?”
“Nevermind. Go about your day,” he said. “I’ve got to do what I’ve always needed to do.” Artyom left the room and walked down the stairs to the library proper. There he found tons of books, and, as fate would have it, he read about the Changelings. “Good enough for a life’s mission,” he said. He came up with the plan to destroy them all. He would walk to Canterlot, climb the tallest peak, fire a missile into the changeling homeland and blow it to Cherisstalinska
The plan worked too! Except for a few minors flaws by which the Guards wouldn’t let him into the castle, he didn’t have a missile, and he didn’t know where the Changelings lived.
“Twilight,” Celestia beckoned. Twilight grimaced and walked into the small room. Celestia and Luna had invited her up to the royal chambers for what they called her final test. Twilight took in the scene around her. Luna and Celestia were both lying on top of each other. The worst part was neither of them were wearing any clothes! Twilight frowned, ponies should wear clothes she thought. The royal bed creaked under the weight of Celestia’s large posterior and Luna’s incredibly fluffy belly. Luna winked at Twilight.
“So you know this is your final test, right?” she asked. Twilight nodded, swallowing tentatively.
“Then I want you to crawl under and-” Celestia began, but before she could finish there was a giggle beneath the bed. Celestia stopped. Twilight furrowed her brow.
“What’s my test?” she asked. Celestia waved her off. Twilight face became a scowl.
“I think there’s somepony under the bed,” Luna murmured. Twilight could see the fear on her face. The princess of the night may be one thing, but scared of the ponies under the bed she was. She wasn’t brave at all, she could take lessons from toasters on bravery, but Twilight doubted she would.
“Wait,” Celestia ordered, “I’ll blast the bed with some magic. That will take care of everything.”
“I don’t think you should do that?” Twilight insisted.
“Why?” Celestia asked her prized student. Her voice was full of venom, like a teenage mare who just wanted to take the day off of school but her parents wouldn’t let her even though she was passing all her courses and could easily make up the homework.
“Frankly,” Twilight said, unphased by the sheer attitude Celestia was laying down on her, “You shouldn’t cast magic on things you’re laying on.”
“Poppycock!” Luna swore. “Light it up, sis!” Celestia’s horn started to glow in that familiar putrescent green light that came whenever she was thinking about casting dangerous magic. “Oh,” Luna muttered, “Twilight might have been right.” She was, but it was too late. The bed burst into a bright-red flame. Celestia and Luna leapt off to the side as the bed went flying into the sky, breaking through the roof. In it’s place stood another human.
“I’mma jus’ hidin’ from the necromorphs,” Isaac Clarke explained. “And maybe I was hoping for some...” He looked around the room at the three angry mares. Two of which were angry at him and one that was just angry in general. “I’ll just forget about that last bit then.”
“Twilight!” Celestia screamed, “Get rid of these humans!” Twilight groaned and gripped the human in a magical tendril. Together they left the room, Isaac bemoaning his poor luck.
“What are you doing?” She asked the man. “Don’t you know that this is, uh, out of limits?” He shook his head. “I’ve got to do something with you humans, and I know just the thing!” Twilight knew exactly what to do. Long ago her friend Pinkie had summoned clones from a mirror in a lake and Twilight had has to use delicate magic to blast them to smithereens in front of her friends. Seemingly Isaac knew what she was going to do. He’d had a habit of being where he shouldn’t be. He swallowed on a lump that had formed in his throat.
“I came here to escape it,” he said solemnly. “Don’t send me back there.” Twilight looked at him thoughtfully for a second. She brushed away the thought and lay into him with a sickly green laser.
The beam hit Isaac and faded. Clarke looked sad for a moment, staring mournfully at his own hands, as if they had held something important just then. They were the first to fade, slowing deteriorating into a fine dust that spiraled up into the air and out the window.
For the next three days Twilight stalked Canterlot and Ponyville, the only places the humans seemed to congregate. Few had left but they all returned eventually, never straying for long. Even Trixie’s slaves came back time and time again.
She found them all in time. Tony Hawk she found at Ponyville’s newly created skatepark, the only one in Equestria. He stood with Rainbow Dash, watching young colts and fillies do mad tricks on the pipes and rails. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw her approach.
“You’re real gnarly,” he murmured, gripping his skateboard tight. “I was making a difference.”
Starkiller, Darth Vader, and Draven she got all at the same time. They stood around Trixie’s cart, waiting for something to do and showing off their rippling muscles. All, of course, except for Starkiller who was scrawny. Twilight noticed that Draven had lightsabers where his axes had been. She took them all out before they could even draw their weapons.
“What’s the purpose of this?” she wondered aloud.
Her next marks she caught by surprise. Ramirez was too busy defending Sugarcube Corner by himself. Spock was busy loving Rarity the way only a vulcan can love a mare. Legolas and Gandalf were both commiserating on how strange the world was without deadly rings. Jack went without description because he never really made it to Equestria. Stephen King too, because he wrote himself out of it with his next Dark Tower novel. John Johnson and the Space marine were gone along ago from a deadly, deadly poison eating contest. All that and more fell to Twilight’s blast until at last she went to her home, content with the days slaying’s only to find she wasn’t close to alone.
Inside her humblest abode of a free house with several floors, walk-in closets, two baths, and a kitchen, she found a small army of humans, waiting for her. None other than the Buddhist Monk, All of Bill and Ted’s friends minus Bill and Ted, Romero, Billy Mays, Walter White, Rarity, and Jack Sparrow. Twilight took a step back when she saw them all.
“Surprise attacks are most dishonorable, young Twilight,” the monk stated. “Bad karma.” They were all looking at her, edging closer and closer. Except for Rarity, who stood back. She looked out of place, only there to please her friend Walter White.
“I can explain,” she started to explain, but Billy Mays stopped her.
“Stop right there!” he yelled at the top of his lungs, filling the air with charisma and boyish charm. “If you order one flank-kicking right now, get ten more absolutely free.”
What progressed was perhaps the single most violent scene that ever occurred in Pony history. Even more violent than the pie fights of old Appleloosa. No one was spared from bone breaking agony and scratches and scuffs. Several books were burned, Spike’s memory was scarred forever, and Rarity had a hair plucked out of her beautiful mane.
When the dust clouds had settled, only Twilight and the mighty Socrates remained. He had tricked the rest of the humans to fight for him, to weaken Twilight where he could win in a one on one fight. The oracle of Delphi had been right in calling him the wisest. Even the Monk had had nothing on Socrates wise brain. He smirked.
“Time to take a ride on the pain train,” Socrates beckoned her. He had his hands up, waiving for her to charge him.
“That’s not like you at all,” Twilight spat. “You used to say things that meant stuff. Now your words are hollow and empty and don’t mean anything at all. You’ve changed, man.”
“I’ve still got my wits about me,” he said. “You were the one who attacked us.”
“Well...” Twilight started, “Celestia told me too.”
“A mare chooses,” A strange voice from upstairs said, “A slave obeys.” From the stairs descended another man, this one in a finely tailored suit. “Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his own brow?” Twilight shot him again before he could spout more anti-communist propaganda. But even as he disappeared and the Red Fever took over the room again there was a bang behind her.
“Reagan-Man is here to save the Democracies!” the Star-Spangled president proclaimed. Ronald Reagan was back! Twilight turned to erase him from Equestria but he ran with the speed of a flying eagle that was both old and had to walk. Twilight turned around only to see Socrates holding Reagan-Man as a hostage.
“Would you erase the greatest hero that ever flew around Equestria?” He demanded. Twilight thought for a hot second. He was a hero and he had saved the day a few times. But work was work and she blasted him like anyone else. She grunted at the philosopher.
“How will this end?” she cried. “Everytime I go to shoot you someone else appears! There’s too many humans.” Socrates chortled a dark and sinister laughter.
“I know, my dear,” he giggled mercilessly. “We will never be destroyed! If this were a math equation the variable ‘X’ would never end normally. You’d be stuck with us forever and nothing would ever get done. Not even your school work.” Thunder rumbled in the sky, and Socrates disappeared. Curious, Twilight walked out to see the only human that mattered now.
Zeus! Lord of the skies!
“Zeus,” she said, “I always loved you.” He smiled, lightning crackling between his pearly teeth.
“That’s great, babe. Really, it is. But I’ve gotta go now.” And he did. Zeus made a box appear, and crawled inside of it. The box was also a machine that now held a god.
He let out a heavy breath, similar to one as if he had just done a three pointer against the Miami Heat, tying the game and winning the hearts of millions, and quite a few dollaro’s. Jordan knew he needed a new movie deal to ‘keep it fresh’ with the kids and ‘buy a few more mercedes’. Jordan knew that this could kill a man’s fame, he thought about Shaq being a Genie that one time and shuddered.
He waited at a streetlight in downtown Detroit, just past midnight, the place his movie-deal advisor only seemed to meet. The flickered off and on and he appeared. Clothed in a long black cloak the advisor appeared from the shadows and crept over.
“Ey what chu wan, Jordan,” the advisor spoke, nasally, like a man who wore constantly shining glasses and a pocket protector. He had his hands in his pockets and Jordan could just make out the signature signs of a plaid button-up shirt under the cloak. “My maaaaan,” he added under his breath staring up at the basketball legend.
Jordan chose to forego berating the tiny white guy in front of him and spoke instead on jobs. “I need a movie deal to really get back into the market. You know you see Will Smith and such, he’s not just a superior Rap Artist to everyone else, he’s an underdog actor too.” The advisor nodded along, sharing the unpopular opinions of Michael Jordan. But regardless the advisor grimaced, turning and scratching at his hair, immaculately parted in the middle.
“Yeaaaaah,” he muttered. “I got... something like that.” Jordan perked his ears.
“Let me in on it. This will go just as well as my non-basketball careers did.”
“Yeaaaaaaaah,” The demonic advisor said again, looking away. “So you’re good for it?” Jordan nodded. He knew that nothing bad could happen to a Hollywood A-list superstar. The advisor shrugged and clapped his hands. They both stood there under the streetlight, two lost souls in Detroit, looking for something they knew the other had.
“Well?” Jordan asked.
“I still need to arrange transport, bro.” The advisor took out a phone and began to chat quickly into it, muttering dark words sounding like concrete scratching on concrete.
“Should I even be hearing this?” Jordan asked. His ears started to hurt a little as the short man spoke faster and faster into the flip phone. Finally he was done and closed the phone with a satisfied wrist flip, which Jordan was secretly impressed with. “That’s probably why he keeps it,” he thought.
“Alright,” said shortie, “Just, uh... close your eyes and spin around twice.” Jordan blinked.
“Really? That’s what you came up with?”
“Yes, now do it.” Darkness flashed as the light extinguished, coating Jordan and the street in complete darkness.
“This is stupid,” he muttered as he closed his eyes. Jordan noted that he could see nothing just as much as he could with the streetlight off. Slowly the main-man himself turned around and around in a small circle on a cold december day dealing in dangerous Detroit, devilishly deviating from a detrimental lull in developing his dignified dunking career.
When he opened his eyes he was astonished to find that he was no longer in run-down Detroit, but in the middle of a rustic town. He also noticed that instead of people there were small ponies but he’d seen worse before. He nodded slowly, taking it all in. One thing that struck him as odd was a pony with both wings and a horn, which he knew to be an alicorn because his children watched a show about things like this, was standing in front and twitching as she looked at him.
Jordan’s mind went into quick overdrive. He knew what was happening... he Knew that this was his calling. He strode over to the pony in one giant-man step and pushed her on her back.
“This pony’s having a seizure! She needs mouth to mouth immediately.” Jordan knelt down and stared tenderly as the hairy muzzle of the purple pony. He closed his eyes as he slowly leaned in, ready to give the gift of life to this horse.
“No, stop,” Twilight said hurriedly, rolling away and standing up. “This isn’t right.”
“You were having a seizure,” Jordan said quickly. Twilight shook her head.
“Putting aside a couple issues, such as your medical talent, the validity of CPR, and the creepiness of the whole situation, your kind isn’t supposed to be in Equestria.” Jordan nearly slapped the pony in her supremacist face.
“I don’t think I even need to say anything about that,” he said. Twilight bit her lip.
“That’s not.... uhhhhh, what I meant.” jordan kept quiet, sitting in indignant rage at the pony who was so offended him on the first day of film shooting. “Look, you know that’s not what I meant,” she offered. “I meant humans aren’t allowed here, I killed your God and made it so.”
Jordan laughed, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He scratched his chin and spoke plainly. “Listen, this movie isn’t gonna work unless we have Romance or Basketball, so pick one, ma’am.”
Twilight shut her eyes and put a hoof to her cheek, rubbing into the fur and thinking. She had to admit that what the man was saying made absolutely no sense, she didn’t even know what Basketball was, but surely Hoofball was superior in every aspect. Before her eyes the tall man produced a large, orange ball. With a smile he twirled it on a single finger, making her head spin.
“Game on, kid.”
TO BE CONTINUED?
Author's Note
Yolo
Twilight sat in her room, head in her hooves, when Rainbow Dash strode into the room. It wasn’t quite a stride, Twilight thought, as a dash into the room. Yet even as she realized it was a dash, to claim that Dash dashed was something of a hack to her. Twilight also realized that to define how Rainbow Dash entered a room didn’t really matter when it all came down to it. In essence she found herself subscribing to the fundamentals of existentialism. Did it matter, Twilight wondered, in the face of a void how Rainbow Dash got into a room?
Rainbow Dash had no such qualms about events and the causality of movement. She was a simple mare, who loved Socrates over everypony else. She looked grimly at Twilight, and the Librarian saw a shadow under her eyes. Dash looked like a broken mare who’d hit the
“Twilight!” Rainbow Gasped, “Why didn’t you tell me you were a coach?” Twilight was stunned, and had no idea what Rainbow was on about.
“I’m sorry, Rainbow, but I have no idea what you are talking about.” Twilight was satisfied with her robotic response. Rainbow Rolled her eyes at the synthetic mare.
“Twilight, everyone knows you’re the new Ponyville Basketball coach.”
Twilight stood still for a moment. Not because she was shocked, because she wasn’t. The mare knew that was one of her many titles including Librarian, Princess, Mistress, and The Purple One. Sure, Michael Jordan had challenged her to form a Basketball team and play for the fate of Equestria. And it was a highly possible she had accepted in a stupor of ignorance.
“I... uh,” she said in another stupor, something she found herself getting into when humans came up. “This is stupid. What even is Basketball?” Rainbow Shook her head.
“I think it’s a human sport played with ‘hands’,” she said with a grimace. “Literally something, we, as ponies, have no chance to play.”
“Do you think they allow magic?” Twilight asked. Her ears twitched as she heard something behind her.
“There’s nothing in the rules that say a pony can’t play basketball at a professional level according to the NBA.” A large figure, at least eight feet tall, stepped out and towered over the ponies. He looked taller and Jordan and smiles a smile that made the two ponies feel at home even though Twilight was already home and should have felt that way in the beginning.
“Excuse me?” Rainbow Asked the strange. The two got a better look at the behemoth, a man who, in a normal situation, might be the one less than fourth member of the room. Luckily Spike was sitting in the corner, and there was a safe four people. He had a gorgeous crop of dusty grey hair atop his head, and a smile from ear to ear, as if giving good words to all who saw him.
“I’m saying of course you ponies can make a team to fight off Jordan’s evil demands of prolific Basketball offense,” The Man said. Twilight scratched her head.
“Did that even make sense?” she wondered aloud. The stranger laughed heartily, as a king might in a court of his castle.
“Of course it made sense, my little pony. I am Gabe Newell, inventor of the computer and video games. It was I that spread the light of 60fps and 1080p.” Gabe was an incredible man, his entire body rippled with muscle.
“I don’t know...,” Rainbow Suggested. Gabe laughed.
“Of course you do.”
Twilight’s eye twitched as she stared at the man. she breathed out a heavy sigh, looking straight at the man. She could see the individual chest hairs on his chest, the neck of his fashionable polo unbuttoned. If she had tried harder she might have seen through the majestic man, seeing into the universe itself, but that was something no pony dare see.
“Well....” she muttered, “you don’t exactly... look the athletic type.” Gabe frowned, and Rainbow Felt her heart break.
“No,” Rainbow Gasped. “This man can be our team leader for the team!” Gabe put a tender hand on her back, thumb comfortably close to her tail.
“No Rainbow, she’s right. Though I am a man of thick nature, I do not disappoint those who count on me. Every word I’ve said I’ve kept to... no matter what.” Gabe’s gaze turned to the window, staring almost angrily outside, as if he could see something no one else could.
“But... I guess we do need people to fill a team. And Dash’s our most athletic pony.” Twilight put her hooves to her head and grunted. “I can’t even believe this is happening again.” Gabe chuckled, and when he did his features softened, a slight smile on his coy lips.
“This is only the second time, my dear Twilight. The second time is always better.”
“And the third time?” Rainbow Asked.
Gabe shrugged. “I’m not sure.”
Author's Note
Gabe Newell plays for Equestria!
The sound of bouncing balls and exhaustion crowded the air. Twilight stood at the head of a square of ponies. Nearly forty of the ponies, and Gabe Newell, doing jumping jacks in front of the Ponyville Library. There was a soft breeze that rolled down from the misty hills in the north mountains near Canterlot. Young ponies with wild imaginations say you can smell whatever soft, bready delicacies are made by the bakers, a sweet scent carrying all the way to town.
It could be said that most of the breeze flowing from town came from Twilight’s groaning sighs. While watching the potential players she was not impressed. Only Gabe Newell could do jumping jacks because ponies just don’t work that way. She did note, with a slight gleam in her eye, that ponies could stretch their rumps into the air, tails swaying in the air. She noted that often, making sure the ponies were extra limbre in that area. Often times the tryouts saw Twilight with her face buried in her clipboard, not really looking at the them, but they didn’t care.
Gabe looked at the purple mare with sadness, a single great tear flowing from his eye and falling to the ground. Where it feel a small flower sprouted from the ground. He turned to one of the ponies that had quickly become his friend. She was a smaller one than he, but a blazing orange coat that made his eyes shine. She looked like she was wearing one of his favorite polos.
“Applejack, we need to help Twilight with this,” he said between gasping breaths. She nodded solemnly, also staring behind her at the mare. Applejack always felt comfortable limbering up in front of others. She and her brother, Big Mac, had done it. Big Mac was always careful to make sure AJ stretched herself before bucking apples.
Applejack was never sure why he did that.
From her window, Rarity looked down at the ponies doing exercise. She wasn’t that close but she had good enough vision. It was relief that her vision was that good, seeing as her father wore reading glasses, and Sweetie was seeing an optometrist next week. Rarity sighed heavily. She knew that she could wear stylish glasses, and her sewing glasses looked nice. But she didn’t want the social stigma of glasses.
She brushed a lock of purple mane from her eyes, frowning just barely at the corners of her mouth. There was a footstep behind her, the sound of metal roughly smacking and scratching into wooden panel behind her. Still she didn’t turn around. The room grew colder as the presence behind her grew darker and stranger. The candles beside her flickered, losing light. Even the sunshine seemed less able to penetrate her window.
“You’re not Gandalf,” she whispered, eyes looking towards the corners of her vision. He felt almost the same as he had. she could never explain it to him and he never could explain why. While Gandalf felt powerful, the person behind her felt omnipotent.
“Not quite the same.” The voice was low and deep. It sounded ancient, beyond time itself. There was nothing good about it.
“Why are you here?” she asked, not expecting a response.
“For a long time I straddled the line between life and death. And when I awoke... I was here.”
“What is your name... darling?” There was a contemptuous laugh behind her.
“I am called... Sauron.”
“And just what is it you want?” Rarity asked. It was if something was pulling her from the side, struggling to get her to turn towards the being. Again there was a laugh.
“Can’t you see, horse, that I want to help? I want to help with your struggle.” Rarity furrowed her brow and turned around. Instead of what she imagined she’d see, it was a surprise. The voice sounded like it’d be a dark spirit clad in demonic armor. Instead she saw a floating plaid shirt with khakis. The only thing that struck her as accurate was a large helmet of plated steel with long spires on the top. All in all he was a chill looking dude.
Rarity merely scratched her chin and stared long and hard at the man. If he had eyes she would have looked at those. But what might have been eyes were shaded in a supernatural fog. This made Rarity suspicious.
“Look, I’ll be honest, I’ve made something for you ponies and your team.”
Rarity scoffed. “Please darling, I’ve already made boots, scarves, and team jackets.” Sauron laughed. Nervously he shuffled, and then slowly got on one knee. From his back pocket he pulled out around twelve shiny rings, different hues of metallics and inlays. Rarity’s eyes grew wide.
“Rarity, I...” He paused a moment, unable to look into her soft eyes, fearing what may become of his tender heart. She stopped him, putting a hoof on his hand.
“Of course! Of course!” Sauron brightened up.
“You will?” he asked excitedly. She nodded.
Sauron laughed, dropping the rings to the ground in front of the pony.
“Fool!” he screamed with the wail of banshees. “Your soul will be consumed by these rings! You will all bend under my powers, all for just a little skill at basketball. Ha ha ha!” Rarity furrowed her brow.
“These rings will make ponies better at basketball?” she hazarded. The demonic man nodded. Nodding as well, Rarity took the rings and ran off to Twilight, excited at having progress.a
Author's Note
Is Rarity making a mistake? Will the rings work as promised? Who is Sauron working for?!
Open Human Tryouts
Twilight, head-coach, and Rainbow Dash, Assistant to the head coach, sat side by side in the Ponyville library. The Library had had all the books removed and instead of the wooden tree floor, she’d had it replaced and put down a wooden basketball court. It hadn’t been Twilight’s call either. Spike, in a moment of pure brilliance, had it done. Spike hadn’t been seen since.
Regardless to where Spike was, Twilight was content with her actually brilliant plan. She realized that having a mostly pony team, with a demon thing and Gabe Newell, she would lose in a second against whatever Michael Jordan had put together. Of course Twilight didn’t know how humans got to Equestria, and frankly, she didn’t care. All she knew was that they were the answer to beating Jordan. It was like fighting water with water or something. And if there was anything that writing about Friendship had taught it, it was that you shouldn’t look for any other way to resolve your problems besides immediately counter-attacking.
So she’d decided to have open tryout for the team. She’d even put out a sign! The sign did say ‘No Ponies Allowed’ which struck them as mean and hurtful. They wondered why their Princess had so quickly scorned them. They cursed the day that the skies had darkened under her bitter rule. There was one pony though who would not be swayed by the sign. She knew what she wanted and she was going to get it. By strange circumstance she was the cutest mare in all of Equestria and also the best and if you don’t like that fact you can try to ignore its pure truth. The pony who walked into that tryout room was Roseluck.
Roseluck was a creamy young mare. Her red and pink mane shone like the setting sun, scattering rays of brilliance into all who saw it, and shattering the hearts of all lusty ponies, mare and stallion alike. Her tail was swishing as she walked through the door, eyeing the two mares behind the coaching table with her marvelous emerald eyes. Twilight was the first, and only, pony in the room to be upset by Roseluck’s entrance. She snorted in disapproval.
“You’re on the team!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, feeling strange feelings she hadn’t felt before. She was sweating, feeling warm and bothered. The same way she got when she needs an ice cold bucket of juice infused with electrolytes. Rainbow Craved electrolytes. Roseluck smiled a seductive smile. Truly Roseluck was beautiful because she didn’t know she was beautiful.
Twilight raised a hoof. “Who’s the mare in charge here?” she asked the assembled crowd of two ponies. RD shrugged while Roseluck was still approaching the table. “I am the one who decides,” she said firmly, resigning herself to lay back in her seat and grumble. Roseluck finally got to the table, her cute little head resting on the top of it and staring at the mares. It was adorable to see, you really should have been there. She was so cute, eyes sparkling in the harsh neon glow of Basketball lighting. Twilight frowned.
“Honestly, our team is overburdened with ponies. We’re all really short! That’s the issue here,” Twilight explained earnestly, hoping to get her out here. Roseluck wasn’t convinced. Her eyes started to water.
“But I’ve never been on a sports team, Twilight,” she said, voice wavering as she spoke. Twilight bit her lip. The whole time Dash had been staring but trying hard not to look like she had been staring. So she decided to fill the non-awkward non-silence with talk.
“I don’t know, Twilight. Roseluck’s pretty tall.” Roseluck looked over happily. Twilight stared openly at Rainbow Dash.
“She’s just the same height as all of us. We’re all the same size.” Neither of the two were offput by Twilight’s true remarks on Equine height.
“Twilight,” Dash tried to reason, “if she can beat a human one on one can she be on the team?”
“Uh, sure,” Twilight said awkwardly, “I mean I guess why not?” Internally she knew that Equestria would be doomed soon. Luckily they were in luck and a human walked through the door at that moment. Twilight sighed in relief.
The human was about medium height for a human, had short cropped hair, and a nice suit. But there something wrong with him. The Librarian just couldn’t place it at all. He strode to them, making the trip shorter than Roseluck had. The three ponies watched him anxiously, but it was Rose who spoke first.
“I’ve never seen a human this close up before,” she said softly. She placed her cheek against his knee, rubbing her soft fur and chubby cheek into his leg and purring softly, just like she would if a semi-professional fanfic author came up to see her. But in that case he might expect hugs from her, or an awkward kiss or something like that….
The librarian was having none of these shenanigans with Roseluck or her affection towards those who obviously loved her when no one else would appreciate her as much. She picked up the clipboard with important Basketball Documents and a pen in her magical grasp.
“So Human,” she began, “What is your name?”
“No.” Twilight looked at the man with hidden anger. Pure, vile hatred veiled in her eyes.
“Really?” she asked. “Really you’re just not going to answer?” The man shrugged nonchalantly and nodded.
“My name is No. Dr. No.”
“No doctor no?” Rainbow asked. “That’s a little… uh.” Twilight cut her off.
“It’s good enough for me! Medical history?” No scratched at his chin.
“I can’t… think of anything really.” Twilight started to grin.
“That’s what I’m-,“ she started to say before being interrupted.
“Oh,” No said, “I have prosthetic hands. But I didn’t think about mentioning it.” No laughed a little. “I’m a doctor, you see.” Twilight did not see.
“That doesn’t add up,” She said, doing the mental math. Rainbow at a young age had decided mental math wasn’t for her, and was doing mental naps instead. “Like… How could you put the new hands on if you didn’t have hands at the time?” Dr. No shrugged.
“Luckily I had two working feet.”
Twilight turned to Rainbow Dash, who was on the very of taking a very real mental nap from all the boring talking.
“Rainbow, can people with no hands play Basketball?” Dash nodded, not even bothering to pick up the rulebook that Fluttershy had acquired. “Well okay.” Roseluck looked at Twilight happily, a big smile on her lips. “But… you have to one on one… uh, one of our other tryouts.” No nodded and strode in front of one of the hoops. He bent low at the knee, clearly awkward in his suit and tie attire. Roseluck furrowed her brow in rapt attention, grabbed a ball, and took her spot at the center of the court.
Gingerly Roseluck started to roll the ball towards No, using her hooves to pass it as if she were playing Soccer. Twilight blew her whistle.
“Rose,” she called, “you have to dribble it.” Rose nodded and took herself and the ball back to the center of the court. She rolled the ball behind her and started to use her tail to bounce the ball against the court. With her tail, she was able to get a little bit of leverage and found she could control the ball just fine.
“Twilight!” she yelped, “I’m doing it!”
“That’s great, Rose,” Twilight replied sadly. Ponyville was doomed.
Roseluck started to advance on No, the ball a blaze of bouncing behind her batting bushy behind. When she got nearer to No she started to run around the man. Rose was a short pony, and No a tall man, she could easily run under the inseam of his pants and she did so. Scooping under his legs, grabbing the ball in her tail before leaping into the air towards the waiting net.
No grabbed the ball easily from the mare and held it in his robot hands. Without thinking the ball exploded from too much force. Rainbow sat up from the sound like a gunshot.
“That’s amazing Roseluck! You’re on the team!”
Author's Note
Roseluck for Ponyville
Robocop and Optimus Prime
Robots Up In This
It was a bright and shining morning in Ponyville. Twilight woke up in a chipper mood. As she strode down the stairs, she could tell that Spike was making a Complete Equestrian Breakfast. Not many ponies took the tradition of eating very seriously, often just munching on cupcakes, candy, sweets, cider, gems for fiber, or flowers. Really ponies mostly ate whatever was around, the silly things. But Spike had learned from a young age Twilight’s breaking of the fast ceremony was not to be trifled with.
It started off with 3.5 liquid ounces of pure Saddle Arabian coffee poured through thin sheets of antique book paper. The book paper was because Spike had run out of filters years ago and had forgotten to put them on the grocery list fifteen-thousand six-hundred and twenty-seven times. The next was two lightly fried eggs with a celery puree seasoned to Spike’s preference, which happened to match Twilight’s, luckily for him. Along this were two pieces of toast and a slide of Mandolian Orange, which gave Twilight Crucial Vitamin C.
Vitamin Crucial.
Twilight usually skipped the next ten courses, waving Spike away as he carried the plates to her, tears streaming as he was forced away.
She was awoken from her musing by a knock on the door. It was a simple rap, two short beats that made her ears perk up.
“Who is it?” She asked, no answer. “Who is it?” she asked again, almost singing as the words travelled through the air. Still there was no answer. She pouted, a small strand of unicorn hair passing her eyes. “Who is it!” she bellowed like the oldest of things. The door opened. Beyond there was a tall human, silvery skin all over except for his handsome chin. He took a step in.
“Hello?” Twilight beckoned. The man smirked.
“Did you know you don’t have the proper NBA forms signed to put together a game of this size? It would be a shame if something… happened to it.” The man had a certain robotic way of talking, and he talked legally. She could put two and two together. Not only was he a robot, he was a cop. A Copbot. Twilight rolled her eyes like she does when she gets exasperated by what’s happening in front of her.
“Spike already filled out the paperwork for the game you… you Copbot.” She was happily ten steps ahead of the robot. The robot pulled up a briefcase and started to sort through the papers.
“Ma’am I’m going to have to ask you to remain calm,” he spoke, shuffling paper. A pair of reading glasses fell to the floor unnoticed. Twilight grew unnerved. “I’ve only got formed 1010-A and C, but B seems to have been lost, can you explain this?” Twilight’s eyes shot open.
“Clerical error!” She said and dove for the window. As the window burst from her luscious mane a bullet whipped past her.
“Stop Resisting” The copbot called after her, charging through her kitchen. Twilight rolled on the ground, her precious fur protecting her from the broken glass. Hopping onto her hooves she barreled down a side street, cutting ponies off left and right. If she could only make it to her lawyer, Saul Goodpony, she’d be fine. He had the legal knowledge to make anything bad thing disappear. Aside from her hoofbeats she could hear the bass of the cop’s heavy robot feet catching up to her. She whined a little, feeling as it there wasn’t any sort of fairness in this world.
She passed a pair of Beats by Dr.Dre, and she stopped to admire the high audio quality that they gave. But while she was listening to the latest Daft Punk album the Copbot was right behind her. She turned and backed her tail against the building behind her. Was this the end of the line for poor Twilight? No.
The headphones launched themselves at the cop, cord strangling his steel neck. She heard a voice, “Twilight, run!” but because the events ahead of her were too shocking, she stayed still. The bot threw the headphones aside, only know realizing his mistake. As soon as the headphones were in the air they were gone! Instead, there was a twenty foot robot there, emblazoned with sick flame decals that added well over twenty horsepower to it.
One of the robots giant hands grabbed the cop by his ribs, pulling it to eye level.
“Not in my town, Megatron,” it said in a booming voice. The copbot made to talk but was crushed. The big robot laughed. “Just another day for Optimus Prime.” Twilight has a sly idea.
“Optimus, right?” she asked. He nodded. “Do you… play basketball?” This elicited another laugh from the machine.
“I used to play a mean water boy back in Cybertron High. Or should I say oil. We are robots, we drink oil.” It was Twilight’s turn to nod, and she did. She was learning so many interesting and fascinating things about robots. He knelt down next to the pony. “I am the biggest and best robot in the universe.”
“I am a mary sue,” she said awkwardly, telling Prime the truth as far as she could. “I don’t really try that hard and I always succeed.”
“Do you want to help me fight Unicron?”
“That’s almost like a unicorn isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
Author's Note
Oh baby
“Coral,” he cried out, his face stricken with anguish. He ran forward through the glen. Trees towered above him on both sides. The sunlight speckled through the leaves casting dubious shadows under the regularly bright sun. There was blood on his white shirt, and he didn’t remember if it was his.
How long had it been? Three days since he lost touch with Glen and Crossbow-guy. Oh, yes, Dale. “Carl,” he cried out, breaking literary rules by talking while in the middle of a paragraph. The cowboy police officer was wearing blue jeans that had seen bluer days. The tattered cloth flapping in the wind at some pieces. His trusty six-gun was at his side, ready for his hardened grip.
There was a rustle amongst the bushes ahead of him, and he stopped. Could it be Carl? But why wouldn’t he respond? Was it a walker that had laid silent, making a trap? Was it villain of the week Negan? He reached for his gun, drawing it as a DARK SHAPE crawled out of the underbrush.
The creature was an amalgamation of flesh, towering at a treacherous three feet to four feet. Its hideous body covered with a thick fur the color of spoiled milk that had been distilled under moonlight nights. He froze when he saw the glassy globes perched above the creature’s snout. They swiveled on the spot, pointing darkened circles at him. The eyes were surrounded with a swampy and gaseous green that was nauseating to merely behold. On four stumpy protrusions from the main body were straight tubular flesh pieces that ended in cloven hooves of bone.
In other words, it was an unremarkable horse to us. But to Rick it was an abomination. He raised his pistol, ready to dispense some self-appointed justice.
“I’m Coral,” it exclaimed. It was a mare for sure.
“You’re not Carl,” Rick said slowly, his dirty hair and sweat-stained face looking at the fancy pony. “Carl is a child, human child.”
“I’m Coral,” she said, with just a minor inflection of the voice that sent shivers down the spine of Grimes. “Coral.” Rick nodded.
“You make an interesting point, friend-o.” He lowered his gun slightly. But that was the wrong move, because it was a walker laying a trap. Never let your guard down.
Author's Note
It's a thing
Based on an old fanfic based on Doom II: Repercussions of Evil.
John Stalvern waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were ponies in the base. He didn’t see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Cernel Joson were not listened to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
John was a space marine for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the spaceships and he said to dad “I want to be on the ships daddy.”
Dad said “No! You will be KILL BY PONIES ”
There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the space station base of the UAC he knew there were demons.
“This is Joson” the radio crackered. “You must fight the ponies!”
So John got his palsma rifle and blew up the wall.
“He going to kill us” said the ponies.
“I will shoot at him” said the unicorn and he fired a lasers. John plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
“No! I must kill the ponies” he shouted.
The radio said “No, John. You are the ponies”
And then John was a pony.
BUDDHIST MONK IN EQUESTRIA
“Brother Xiao Xian-Hunng, you are failing mediation class! You might fail if you don’t get your grades up. Start studying!” That came from Monk Dean of Monks Ting Bui. I nodded graciously and got out my mediation mat. The chilly, mountain winds blowing through the monastery hit against my bare skin like a knife. Hopefully they taught mind over matter sophomore year!
Sitting on the mat I began my mantra. “Pork fried rice… pork fried rice,” repeated over and over in my head. I hadn’t had much time to study over the past few weeks. One of the brothers was gearing up for the Starcraft II tournament in the village nearest the monastery. Winning it would win us two yaks.
Focusing brought calm over my body that fended off the chill. A slow darkness began to creep over my mind, bringing the enlightenment that all true monks’ desire. With apprehension I sought out my special place that one goes to when one meditates. For some, they choose nirvana, I chose my own nirvana, a place I heard of called Detroit.
Something was wrong, instead of the gleaming towers which marked the true motor city; I saw small wood houses, and creatures reminiscent of demons. A pink one approached me.
“Hiya! My name’s Pinkie Pie, what’s your name?” the demon asked me. I got up and activated my Tiger Chi stance.
“Howa, Demon! You won’t take my soul today!” I yelled at the demon. She looked taken aback. A blue, winged demon swooped down and stood betwixt us. Her hair shone like rainbows.
“Hey, don’t call Pinkie Pie names like that,” the winged demon said. I raised an open fist to her. It was go time.
“Flaming monkeys of the West,” I yelled as I leapt into the air, sunlight gleaming past my radiant body. The Blue demon narrowly slid out of the way as my fists landed in the dust. My face glared at her.
“You want to fight, tough guy?” she asked. Flapping wings maniacally, the demon launched at me. “Rainbow Special!” Her mane hit me like a rainbow brick wall, causing much pain to my self. She started throwing hoofchops left and right as I dodged fastly.
“Take my Whirling Lion Kick!” The world slowed as the pressure created by the kick turned the town inside out. Spinning with the power of a thousand furious mandrills my kick landed on her flank.
“Uwah!” she let out as she blew backwards. The walls of the house imploded inwards, showering the immediate are in a barrage of shattered shards. I began walking closer, cautious of a counter attack. She was standing in the middle of the sharded wood.
“This isn’t even… my true power,” she mumbled. Her hair and tail blew upwards, shards flying everywhere.
“Time to show… THE TRUEST OF POWER LEVELS!” I screamed. My hair too went up and out, turning into a nice powerful blue.
“Hoooooooooo!” she screamed.
“Goyaaaaaaaa!” I screamed. Finally, when our powers could go no higher, our screams stopped. We gazed malevolently at each other. “Bring on.” She nodded.
“Stallion Stare!” she yelled. Her eyes shot forth a beam of destruction that destroyed everything in its path. With a backflip the beam went under me in slow motion.
“You’ll have to try harder than that!” I said back to her who had previously said to me. Focusing my chi into a tight ball, I gazed levelly at her. “This is my most powerful move! A move that has never been used before!” Her eyes shot wide.
“You’re move is nothing to the final move that I have that is most powerful and also never shown before!” her hoofs went behind her and she too focused into chi ball.
“Hooolllooooooo!” she screamed.
“Goraaaaaaaa!” I screamed. With great power we shot our beams at each other. The beams collided with a massive explosion, blowing us both back. I clutched my chest.
“It cannot… be,” I muttered. That’s when I saw her flying at me. That infernal demon! Jumping from my mountain position, I leapt at her.
“Gaasfjasklfalsjkfg!” I yelled. Suddenly she was gone! My monk underpants were soon wresteld from their original position.
“RAINBOOOOOW,” she began. The pain was immeasurable. “WEDGIE!” The demons had won!
“Brother Xiao Xian-Hunng. You have failed meditation class. Please leave the monastery,” said the Monk Dean of Monks. I sighed. Ever since I had lost to the demons, I hadn’t been able to do anything right. Yet I had a plan. I knew where to go.
“That’s okay,” I told him, “I’m going to start a monastery in… Detroit!”
JACK THE RIPPER IN EQUESTRIA
Deeper in the slums, that’s where I’ve got to hide. That was the only thought to consume my head. Killing that prostitute had been… wonderful. The Adrenaline was still fresh in my body; her blood still… well… you know. Scotland Yard was close on my trail. Barking dogs were only alleys behind me. My coat flapped while I ran, feet stepping in puddles, ruining my otherwise pristine clothes.
I was deeper into the slums than I ever had been before. Never before had I seen such alleys like this. Rain poured horrendously onto the cobblestones, washing the proof of my sins away.
Listening back, a realization hits me. I’ve been running but the chasers are gone. Only the cacophony of rain flooded my ears. But where am I? The alleys don’t seem like London. Wooden houses, not brick. A key difference. Soft clopping comes from an adjacent alley. I peer around and then see her, or it. A tiny, pink pony walking in the rain. She was unaware of my presence.
Oh what a strange thing I’ve fallen upon, so innocent. The rain masks my steps as I creep up, knife in my hand. The blade still red with the memories of Mary Jane. A misstep gives me away only a few feet to it.
“Hiya, I’m Pinkie Pie,” it starts. I lunge at it, knife bent to plunge into the creatures pink…
“Nope,” I say. “I can’t write it.” I open fimfiction slowly, aware of my requesters soon to be displeasure. I hit submit, and it’s over.
“No, we can’t accept this,” says the team of moderators of fimfiction as they looked over a Jack the ripper fiction.
“You’re right, this will destroy the standards by which we hold ourselves,” said another moderator as he made another clopfic top story.
John Doe Presents: Stories Too Short for even Short People
Dorothy in Equestria.
Gordon Freemen
Batman in Equestria.
Green Lantern
Captain America
“This sure looks like a communist state,” The Cap exclaimed.
“No,” said the Princess, “we are a democracy where two ponies have all the power and everyone else really doesn’t get a say.”
The Cap looked at her unsure. “Hmmm,” he muttered. Something behind him crashed to the ground. Captain turned around quickly. Behind his clad in the Star Spangled was…. REAGAN MAN.
“Hark, Communist! You will not hurt these ponies with your red ideals,” Reagan man told Captain America.
“No, it is *you* who won’t affect these ponies!” Captain flung his arm forwarding the shield at the ex-president.
The Dude.
“Uh, dude, I’m trying work here,” Twilight told the scraggly man.
“It really brought the room together,” the Dude said as he sipped his white Russian. “I mean, how would you feel if someone came in and pissed on your rug?”
“Well Spike already does it,” Twilight grumbled.
Jerry Seinfeld
“I mean they’re tiny horses. What’s up with that?” Jerry asked.
“I’m not laughing,” Pinkie whispered.
“Have you even seen daisy sandwiches? What’s up with that?”
Cobra Commander
“Once I get G.I. Joe to eat that turkey dinner they will be too tired to stop me robbing a bank!”
“But Cobra, even the ponies know that’s not hoe turkey works,” Twilight explained.
“Ssssssssssssssilenccccccccccccce horse,” he demanded.
James Bond
“I’ll take a cider, shaken, not shtirred,” James suaved at Applejack.
“Uh, okay.”
“And now we have shex,” he told her after.
Jules and Vincent
“You know what they call the Elements on Harmony in Prance?” asked Vincent.
“They don’t call it the Elements of Harmony?” Jules reciprocated.
“Naw,” Vince scoffed, “they don’t use the friendship system. See, they call it the Elements Royale.”
“Ain’t that something,” Jules laughed.
Tricky Dick Nixon
“I am not a crook,” Nixon told the six assembled ponies.
“But we saw you spying on Princess Luna,” Twilight said.
“I’ll trickle down on you!” Nixon gasped as he lunged at the purple pony.
