Step 1) Come Up With a (Crazy) Idea
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The Great Canterlot Cake Heist

Step 1) Come Up With a (Crazy) Idea

Author's Note

This was something I wrote during a weekend, and decided to make into a full story. Feedback in the comments is appreciated, tell me if you want to see me continue!

Step 1) Come Up With a (Crazy) Idea

A single bead of sweat meandered down the furrowed brow of the Princess of the Day.

It wasn’t supposed to end like this

The steady clip-clop of hooves on the polished marble floor grew louder and louder.

It was supposed to be a simple job. In and out within minutes.

“Sister?” Luna’s exhausted voice rang out through the lengthy castle hallways, “We merely wish to ... speak with thee.”

But nothing’s ever that easy, is it?

Celestia’s face was unreadable as she internally debated her rapidly dwindling choices. The situation had gone from bad to worse to apocalyptic as mistake after mistake occurred. Well, there was no point dwelling on the past, this state of affairs could still be salvaged. Probably. Somehow.

The sound of Luna’s trotting abruptly ceased, interrupting Celestia’s train of thought. For a split second, a brief flash of surprise could be seen on her face, before swiftly being replaced by an expression of relief.

Maybe Luna had gone and -

 The closet door handle’s jiggling derailed Celestia’s train of thought yet again. This was it. The moment of - 
“Sister!” Luna barked at the door, “We know thou art in the closet!”

“N-no! I don’t know what you’re talking abou-” Celestia spluttered, fumbling over her words, “I-I mean, uh ... Princess Celestia isn’t here! Yes! She, uh ... went that way!” She bumped her hoof against the cramped closet space as she pointed towards the kitchens.

Luna sighed. Already she could tell this was going to be a long day. “Stop playing thy games with us, Sister! It greatly surprises us that somehow, as the younger sibling, we are the mature one!”

“H-hey! I’m way more matur-” Celestia angrily objected, “I mean, I told you already, Princess Celestia isn’t here, Princess Luna!”

Luna’s hoof found its way to her forehead. “We are giving thou five seconds,” she deadpanned, “Until we buck down this door.”

‘Horseapples.' Celestia thought, biting her lower lip. 
“One!”
Perhaps I could-
“Two!”
No, no that wouldn’t work-
“Three!”
A wave of realization washed across Celestia’s face as she realized what needed to happen.
“Four!”

Celestia spared a quick glance at the baseball sized, chrome container in her left hoof, her ace in the hole. There was only ever going to be one shot at this, and she had to make it count.

“We are warning you Sister, this is your last chance!” Luna shouted, her voice now approaching Royal Canterlot Voice levels. “Stop this foalishness immediately and open th-”

“Okay, okay,” Celestia mumbled, her voice barely above a whisper, “I’m coming out.” The defeat in her voice was almost tangible.

“We are glad that thou has finally heard the voice of reason,” Luna replied, a hint of smugness detectable in her voice, “We promise to-” Her answer was interrupted by the flimsy wooden door in front of her shattering into a million pieces with a ear-splitting CRACK, revealing her half-desperate, half-determined sister.

As Luna’s right eye twitched, the mysterious canister rolled in between the two alicorns.

“SMOKE BOMB!!”

It would have been infinitely more impressive if the smoke bomb actually produced smoke. Instead, it settled on wheezing, sputtering noises and finally dying out with a final, pathetic cough. The air in the castle suddenly dropped thirty degrees, Celestia’s blood turning to ice. If one was looking upon the scene, you could mistake her for a statue, minus the gray, stony skin.

Her eyes trailed upward, past Luna’s subtly trembling hooves, her heaving chest, the flash of pure, unadulterated rage on her muzzle, finally meeting those cold, unfeeling eyes. Cobalt eyes that revealed nothing, yet saw everything.

The constantly playing record of a bustling country was abruptly changed out for one of silence. Deep in the Equestrian badlands, the previously dormant Changeling hive awoke, sensing the battle for the ages. A long dormant volcano buried miles beneath Canterlot rumbled in anticipation. Fireplaces roared with earnest, their flames fed by the sheer fury tangible in the Equestrian air.

“Sister,” Luna stated calmly, her voice steady, “I believe we are about to, as the saying goes, ‘throw down’.”

Necks were flexed, hooves were cracked and spells were charged. The Great Canterlot Cake Heist had just turned up a notch.

~~~~
12 hours ago
~~~~

No cake, no coffee, no peanut butter. Okay, she could still work with this, the morning wasn’t completely lost. There were, uh ... eggs? Toast? Jam? Oh who was she kidding, this was hopeless. Inexplicably, the castle kitchens had run out of the absolute breakfast essentials, with nopony noticing! How!?

Didn’t she, Celestia, have an advisor for this sort of thing? What was his name ... Quill Feather? Post-It? Oh what did it matter, she fired him (or was it her?) last week when his (or her) delivery of cake was thirty seconds late.

Celestia sighed, it seemed that she’d have to get her hooves dirty, and buy some cake herself from Canterlot. No biggie, by royal decree there were ten cake shops built within 200 meters of the castle. She’d just pop by and grab a cake or twenty, then get back in time for day court. Easy peasy.

~~~~

Zero. Nada. Zilch.

That’s how many cakes the stores had. Every single one of them gave Celestia the same reason why.

“All our stock was bought by this-”
“-she was definitely a unicorn. Dark blue-”
“-weird eyes. Telescope for a cutie mark. Bore right into my soul, brrr-”
“-anyway, she bought everything. Every last one of our cakes-”
“-just dumped a bag full of bits on the counter.”

Celestia’s eyes narrowed upon the realization. Luna. For whatever reason she deemed appropriate, the Princess of the Night decided to clean out every single cake shop, bakery or otherwise pastry related store within all of Canterlot. Under her ‘Starry Sonata’ disguise, no less! Now this wasn’t peculiar in its own right, as Celestia herself traveled incognito under the name ‘Sunny Skies’, but Luna despised cake. Her life was devoted to the false prophet of ice cream, unlike Celestia, who worshiped cake, the true lord and savior of Equestria.

There was only one reason for this, Celestia concluded, and it was that to spite her for that one time when she replaced Luna’s body wash with orange dye (definitely not because she convinced Twilight to spike her ice cream with hot sauce that one time). When Luna got into that cunning, cold, calculating condition, there was no talking her out of it. Celestia could use her superior “Best Princess” status to get those delicious, delicious cakes, true. But where was the fun in that? Princesses’ lives were just sleep for two hours, argue for ten, sign papers for another twelve, rinse, repeat.

Stealing back those cakes would be no easy task. She had to get help if there was to be any chance of getting them back. There was this ... one contact she had. No ... it was too risky. Oh ponyfeathers, what choice did she have? This was a necessary danger, Celestia had no real chance otherwise. And so she began writing to her *ahem* deep cover agent in the backwater town of Ponyville.

My dearest Twilight,

Too conspicuous, there was simply too much of a risk if Luna intercepted this letter. Celestia tossed it into the trash.

Agent Purple,

Effective immediately, your new directive is to return to Baseplate Charlie. You will be briefed on your new mission assignment after your arrival. Additional OPSEC measures are still in effect.

~~~~
“-To save you the trouble, I’ve enchanted this scroll to combust one minute after sending. Best of -” Spike didn’t get the opportunity to finish the sentence as the letter immediately burnt up in his claws, ineffective against his hardened scales.

Twilight Sparkle had taken a seat at the kitchen table and slammed her right hoof into her forehead after the first words were read. The more he continued, the further down her hoof moved. Whenever there was some stupid sibling squabble between the two Princesses, Twilight turned from Celestia’s faithful student to her ‘Deep Cover Agent’. Apparently Equestrian law was totally okay with this, no questions asked. *Sigh*

As the student of a Princess, Twilight was under a binding oath to follow the Princess’ orders, down the the very last word. It was cute the first couple times, she supposed, but the novelty quickly wore off. Now the fun, light-hearted pranks had turned into a war of attrition. At least Celestia was sane enough to let her stop sending friendship reports every single week, this was exhausting as it was.

“Again?” Spike sighed, not used to the antics.

“Again,” Twilight replied, “and as much as I hate to leave you, she’s still my mentor. There’s got to be some sort of ulterior motive, or lesson on friendship or something behind this. At least I think so, it’s becoming really hard to tell now. I mean, is ‘It’s really funny to spike Luna’s ice cream with Tabasco’ really a friendship lesson?”

“I hear you Twi, they’ve been acting really weird after the first time Princess Celestia called you to Canterlot.”

“Anyway, could you please cancel my spa appointment with Rarity, and tell Fluttershy that I can’t help her today? I have a train to catch. Thanks Spike!”

Spike blinked, “Wait. Can’t you just teleport straight there?”

“I could, yes. Or I could take a long deserved break on that train.”

“... You? Take a break? I take it back Twi, the Princesses aren’t the only ones acting weird.”

Twilight sighed as she flung open the library door with her telekinetic grasp. Today was going to be a long, long day.

~~~~~
...the train is set to arrive about 4 hours after you get this letter. I’ll head straight to the castle, alone.

P.S. What happened to that pay raise you promised me? I thought we had a deal?
Spike

Reading over Twilight’s reply, Celestia frowned; what was the point of doing all this if you weren’t allowing yourself to get immersed? Eh, she was getting her mane in a twist, her loyal student had always helped when called upon. And not because she had to under the threat of life imprisonment. Rubbing her two front hooves together, Celestia allowed herself a small smirk of victory, the first of many. The Great Canterlot Cake Heist’s planning phase had begun.