Why We Can't Have Nice Things: Chapter 3 Part 2, the Revengening. A presequel.

It was an early morning in Equestria. I didn’t realize how early, early enough to almost be considered late if you drank coffee. People always said I didn’t always make sense, that’s why I became pony, ponies never say I don’t make sense, mostly because all of their currency is already change. But that didn’t matter now, it was time for me to watch my mother, Princess Celestia raise the sun. Sure, she’d throw me out of a window yelling I’m not her son, but of course I’m not, I’m only on fire half the time, she doesn’t need to reaffirm that I’m not a giant ball of plasma, that’s just silly.

Yes, it was a late, quiet night at Sugarcube Corner, just me and my fiance Twilight Sparkle sat across from one another, she was already pregnant with our child. Twilight was always a great mother, raised me right, raised me well.

“Excuse me?” Twilight spoke, her age showing “My… what? Are you calling me old?”

“And did he just say you were pregnant and engaged, oh my… but how are you his mom too? I’m confused.” Fluttershy said softly, the greatest wife a stallion could ever have. “Oh… my…” she ducked under the table, clearly far too excited to wait until we got home

“Who is this guy? Sh-should I hit him?” Rainbow wondered, ah she was a beautiful mare, we were scheduled to wed in the spring, that was, until her mafia father stole her from me “Mafi-what? I-I… who’re you calling beautiful?”

I watched as my harem, the Elements of Harmony, regarded me with love and compassion.

“Ah reckon love and compassion are a fair replacement for anger and confusion.”

Indeed it was a pleasant afternoon inside Canterlot castle.

“This is my house actually.” My sister, Fluttershy eeped out. I remember when we were young, she was always so weak and timid, always looking to onee-chan to protect her from her crazy yakuza ex-boyfriend “I don’t know what half of this words mean… also it’s 9 in the morning.”

NOW was the TIME for me to use CAPITAL LETTERS in my monologues to DISTINGUISH the important WORDS I’d be SPEAKING. “Rainbow Dash, you can hit him now.”

Ah RAINBOW Dash, what a BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER she’d BEEN all these ye-

I awoke in a dusty dungeon beneath Sugarcube corner, a clearly deranged Pinkie looming over me, tools of slaughter in one hoof, a wretched batch of evil cupcakes in the other. ready to do to me what she’d already done to poor Rainbow Dash.

“Ooh, he’s funny.”

It’d taken me so long to escape the factor, the horrid things they did there, yet here I stand, before Rainbow Dash, the monster behind the rainbow scandal, didn’t they know? RAINBOWS ARE PONIES.

“What, no they’re not!”

To think, it’d taken me all night to run from Big Mac, the deranged monster of the Apple family only to find his sister was just as murderous as he

“Ah haven’t murdered anybody, what in the hey is this guys problem.”

If only Pinkie Pie would stop eating those sweets we’d be there to laugh and cry and smile together once more.

“Ok… well, I think I’m done eating this frosting.” Pinkie Pie placed the BOWL down to her SIDE

“That might be for the best…” TWILIGHT added

“What in tarnations is this nutjob talkin’ about. Who is he?”

Who am I indeed, the lost love child of Discord and Celestia, the second ruler of the Crystal Empire after I single handedly defeated Sombra with my mind and won the heart of Chrysalis to turn her good. Surely I was special, a human, unicorn, pegasus, earth-pony, thestral, sea pony, breezie, alicorn, draconequus, changeling king who had taught Sombra magic and was the first element of magic to fight of my former student Discord.

“None of this is true by the way.” Added Twilight, my dearest brother “I’m not a stallion!”

Truly, I do not know who I am, I wouldn’t know my own face even if saw a reflection of it.

“What? But you just said…”

Life is difficult as an Alicorn of Darkness and brother of the royal sisters.

“You’re clearly an earth pony.” Rarity, my sister in law spoke, looking uneasily at my red and black coloring, a dark sign of my tragic past “You’re brown Darling… and I’m not married so.” oh, she never stopped talking about marriage, I know she loved me but I couldn’t love her back, my heart was for the mare I lost in the great war, my dearest Fluttershy.

“I’m sorry, but, I don’t know you and I’m not lost… if that’s ok with you.” Fluttershy mumbled, unbeknownst to those around her she and Discord we about to propose their marriage to one another “Our… what… oh my…”

“Ok, you’re clearly insane, and you keep monologuing.” Said Twilight, my former lover from high school who’d impregnated me and abandoned me in my time of need “I am not a stallion!” she SCREAMED in ANGER and FRUSTRATION. Making sure the audience knows what the characters are feeling will prevent confusion

“Darling I’m more confused than I’ve ever been, maybe stop monologuing and talk to us?” said the beautiful white mare before me, I didn’t know her name but I knew I loved her from first glance

“Hello,” I finally gather the strength to speak after my battle with the dark lord Tirek

“That was m- oh nevermind…” she HUFFED annoyedly.

“Twilight.” I spoke “How long was I asleep?”

She looked at me annoyed “Five minutes.” Ten years was a long time to be in a coma “Gah, what is wrong with you!” my brother asked “Ugh, I AM NOT A STALLION!” her eyes lit with power- “No, no, stop, shut up, just shut up!” she screamed into hea- “AAAAAGH” she began strangling me, can’t say I didn’t deserve it… I killed her only child and for what? Because I thought I deserved her more…

“Twilight, please calm down, you’re going to get an ulcer.” Fluttershy spoke sweetly into her lover's ear, her tongue dancing along the soft fur on it’s tip.

“Oh my… I-I’m not…” Fluttershy had held her feeling for Twilight ever since they were fillies, unknown to Twilight these feeling would be let out in a magnificent way

“I only met her, like, a year ago.” Twilight Sparkle, daughter of the Changeling Queen Discord spoke with venom and evil “I will end you.” she spoke to the dark Alicron Adramadeus the third, also know as my twin sister

“Pinkie, do something.” Rainbow Dash insisted, if she didn’t act soon she knew I’d die, and the thought of losing another lover killed her inside

“What do you want me to do?” Pinkie asked, blade in hand as the last pony fell at her back

“Talk to him, you speak crazy!” Rainbow insisted. A cloud loomed over head, shaped like a pear. A humming came up, did a little dance, made a little love and got down tonight. Two hearts intertwined underneath the shimmering moon as a leaf danced to the ground. Am I a good writer yet or should I interject more pointless word decoration for you to skim over to get to the fuckin’ point?

“Hello mister crazy pant, if you could nut be coocoo for five seconds so we could talk that’d be swell.” she said at my death bed, the beeping of the machine at my side slowing steadily

“Pinkie… R-Rose bud…” I whispered as the golden ticket slipped from the bar signifying I’d made it into the Peckish Games

“I see, so, he’s stuck in a madness loop. For some reason, he’s spewing a particular kind of insanity, maybe we could jump start his brain, though, I think he’d be more dangerous like that ‘ the Queen of the Ducks Quacked

“That doesn’t make an sense.” Twilight said, but what would she know of sense, their currency is based on change “Ok, what do I do.”

“Shoot him into the sky!” Pinkie declared as she began to straddle me with her luscious pink- “Now, now!”

“Here it goes!” Twilight shouted, the earth shaking around you as the numbers 9001 showed on my power reader.

...Falling… I’m falling again, light pervade my dulling senses, washing me away into colorlessness, a spectrum dead, knowing that the last of the Rainbow Clan would be gone forev-