Dungeons and Dragons: Ponyville

Rarity was destroyed. After the loss of her sister, she had lapsed into a deep depression, nearly committing suicide in the process. However, pinkie endevaured to cheer her up, but after about an hour, she finally broke.

"BY THE LOVE OF CELESTIA, WILL YOU SHUT UP!!!"

Pinkie, who had gone as far as to inflate the wolves' bladders, gave up.

"So what if our mission was a total bust?! It's not like anypony heard about it, right?" Twilight, looking suspicious, said,

"I want to know exactly who told the MAYOR about this. This will be very bad for our reputation. If we are gonna survive as mercenaries, like the Doctor said, people need to hear about how good we are. Maybe minus Derpy."

At this, she looked at the blue-gray, cockeyed Pegasus, and wondered how he possibly got this far. He should've died a long time ago. " You know, I don't think that the Doctor is telling us everything. He never even told us why we are really here." "Yeah" Piped up Pinkie Pie. "Everything happened so fast. Why aren't any of us freaking out?" There was a long, awkward silence, a silence that seemed really, really loud. Twilight stared at the floor, wondering this herself.  Then a voice came out of nowhere. "Because, you have no choice. There's no way we're going back anytime soon, so what's the point of regretting our past?" It was Fluttershy.

They began to each pay the proper respects to Sweetie Belle. Most of the speeches were just mumbled words any crying, and Fluttershy's was just the latter. Rainbow Dash ended up trying to give an immpassioned speech, but she fell into shambles when she mentioned Sweetie's name.

"A great pony, she was. Sweetie Belle was.... OH WHO AM I KIDDING!?"

Twilight helped her off the makeshift podium, a boulder. Rarity, the deceased's only relative, did the final honor by throwing on the final hoofful of dirt. Applejack gave a half-decent speech, though.

"Applejack?' Said Twilight.

"Yeah?"

"You're just reciting the Gettysburg Address."

"The WHAT?

All in all, it was a great funeral, fit for nine ponies.

They began the long trek back into town, with almost no provisions or entertainment.

"There once was a shrew, who had a big.... moo, and cooked a big... stew, and fuc-"

"That's enough, Pinkie."

The trip was uneventful, if not awakening. The Everfree Forest, in it's earlier years, seemed untainted, unladen with burden. Then Twilight realized that this was because the forest was younger, and wizards like Zecora were not tainting it with their foul Magicks. Also, you know, deforestation and global warming and stuff.

"This place is just so... alive! I feel the life forces of thousands of little critters just swarming around!"

This voice came from Fluttershy, a sweet, lulling, calming voice that tended to counteract the effect of the forest around them. But only for a moment.

"EEEEEEW! Thats DISGUSTING!" Said Rarity, in her characteristic self.

"What's disgusting about it? I can just feel the LIFE of this place? Its fucking AMAZING!

At this, the entire group, even Derpy, spun around on their heels and looked. None of them had ever heard Fluttershy cuss before, not even a measly "darn it".

"By Celestia." Said Twilight. "This forest's life energy is really getting to you. We should go faster."

They picked up the pace, trotting down the trail, covered in pine-needles, when Twilight noticed a familiar blue weed growing in the trail.

"STOP!" She yelled, alerting the group, taking them out of the forest's seductive hold. "This is poison joke."

"Oh," Said Pinkie. "I remember that. That was the day we met Zecora."

"Yep" Said Twilight. "Let's just avoid it."

No one noticed Fluttershy, still in the high-like effects of the forest, take a sniff.

And no one noticed a certain gray pegasus collecting the plant in a jar, either.

About half an hour later, the group called a break.

"Celestia, my hooves hurt like I've just gotten horseshoes!" Said Rarity.

"Well, no one said that this would be easy." Said Twi. "Derpy, do me a favor and hand me a map."

He did so.

"Derpy?"

"Yuuuh?"

"This is a book. Intro to Spelling and Pronunciation..."

"Well, this may come as a surprise to you, but I've always been... kinda slow. I dropped out of school in the third grade. This must be such a shock to you!" Said Derpy.

"Umm... yeah. Surprise. Bombshell. Total doozie of a MMMMTPH"

Pinkie Pie was cut off as Rainbow stuck a hoof in her mouth. They all felt a twinge of pity, as the blue-grey pegasus was now laying on the ground staring at her book, swinging her back legs in the air, like a three-year-old, smiling like a child.

"Derpy?" Said Twilight.

"Yuuuh?

"What is that?

She was pointing at an assortment of jars that were spilling out of Derpy's backpack. The backpack was a child's, with D.H. crudely sown on the back.

"Thoses? Those are my jars of plants. Don't any of you know what I do for a living?

"Oooooh! Oooooh! Oh! I do!"

"Yes, Pinkie?" Said Twilight.

"She's an Apotheosis!"

"A what"

"She means apocethary." Said Derpy, her eyes almost aligning for a split second. "I make potions. You know, bubbly stuff. Like my cutie mark." She gestured to her flank, where, indeed, her cutie mark was a bunch of bubbles.

"I never got much business. The lazy eye tends to disturb ponies."

Derpy then began to mix some of the components into a small jar. All of the ponies backed away, assuming defensive stances, assuming derpy would somehow fuck it up like she always did.

"TAKE COVER!" Yelled Pinkie.

Nothing happened, and each pony breathed a sigh of relief.

"This is something I call "Mourning Coffee". It will help you get over your sister, Rarity.

"Thank you."

She put the potion to her lips, and drank, tasting the sweet remedy.

"Derpy..." Said Twilight. "I think I know what you are!"

"What?" Said Derpy, a suspicous glint in her eye.

"An alchemist."

As all the ponies looked away, and started back to Cjorn, nobody noticed a tear fall from Derpy's eye.