Well, I don't know, what to tell you about my life.
I should be Angry! But, I should be a lot of other things as well.
Let's just say, life has lost a lot of it's mystery to me.
Not in a way, I would know them now! … I just didn’t care.
But I guess, with no options, you would see life this way.
There wasn't anything particular I hated about it.
One might say, I'm more then cynical towards politics,
but that’s just how you fill the empty conversations!
If you can't fit in, you rant about the system!
But the system couldn't really help me.
I wasn't good at working and neither at negotiating.
Although, I could see myself, do the same thing
for the rest of my life, employees just wouldn't let me.
They always hired me, to be more then I ever even wanted to be!
In love with my work and the co workers. Faithful to the company.
Present, Innovative and more then all, thankful for it all.
At peace, with one self, … as some might put it.
Know where I put it?
I can't really tell, what's wrong with me.
The laziness and fear of success is obvious!
But lately, I struggle even to get some fun at times.
I just hide away! … Pretend, that I’m different then anybody else anyway!
Just to avoid this final question.
You see, a friend of mine once asked me, when do you write!?
Because, I'm a big Doofus, who likes to write a lot!
So he said, when? … When do you write?
And what I naturally responded was,
when I got something better to do.
See? That's why I say final. … Cause your last words are precious.
That's the sub and total of who I am!
A big loser, who has no more time left.
At least, that's what I think it is.
When I was around 7 or 8, my Mom passed away because of illness.
It was later revealed, that she suffered a rare kind of genetic disease.
Which, in turn, made me and my brothers a target for the same thing.
A lot of things have changed since then.
Basicly, the complete absence of fear towards anything!
We separated from the more simpler needs in life.
Be it love, money or materialistic things.
We thought we were smart, doing so.
Tougher, wiser, … more resilient
I cannot even begin, to tell you, how wrong we were.
Most of it, ever so slightly, resembling some distant dream of sorts.
Like I'm just observing.
It felt like being on the titanic, in it's final moments.
With the only thing audible for me beneath the screams,
being a lonesome and calm string quartet.
The Sickness wouldn't kill us now! … It just bothers me.
Even if we did the test, half of my life was already effected by this emptiness.
And … you don't know by brothers!
If you were to meet them right now,
you still wouldn't get, how much they've changed since then!
That's the thing that kills me!
The Alternative!
I wasn't afraid of being lonely!
I wasn't afraid of being unemployed,
a free loader or psychotic for that matter!
I could live all my life with the sins I committed,
as long as I'm not dragged down by this fate,
slowly creeping up on me and killing me,
just for being part of this family.
I was afraid, that this is the only thing that defines me.
Because at the end, it's not love what I feel towards them.
But an big arrangement of mirrors, surrounding me from every angle.
Reminding me, I couldn't change anything!
All I could do, was hope.
Because, I can't flee … I can't change what happened.
I can't pretend and be someone else, just to get rid of this!
I won't lose this itchy feeling, no matter where on the planet.
But, that's okay I guess.
If this is life's plan, then I would gladly accept it.
And, who knows?
Maybe if I just had someone to talk to,
it wouldn't be nearly as bad?
Cause we all know, … the hope dies last.
Today, something unexpected started to happen.
I thought my mailbox,
bombarding me with messages, about several financial credits
and new health care insurances, wasn't weird enough already!
Since, I could make a fairly good use out of both of them atm.
(Just tells you, how much capitalism knows about me.)
But the next thing, was definitely in the same league.
I was mindlessly uploading a Video on Youtube,
since … that's the only thing I do, while being unemployed!
Except for drinking and smoking, in large quantities.
As soon as the day turns dark, nonetheless.
When I heard my father scream and yell for assistance.
He never did that!
Seriously, I couldn't throw a hammer,
I couldn't lift my own weight,
and of the chainsaw, I was afraid!
It was either a chore in the kitchen or in the garden.
To which, the garden I could handle!
It was designed by my mother anyway,
after they moved in and … when she was still fine.
I cannot actually say, I like working in the bushes!?
But I can tell, I'm not completely worthless at it either.
At least, it reminded me of her, in some way.
I saw no reason in arguing with him, since …
this his place and he can do whatever he wants with it,
so I put my shoes on and followed him threw the basement.
When I reached the end, I saw bright light blinding me.
It was one of those late summer days.
The leaves were falling but it was warm in it's own right.
My dad had his arms crossed, as usual, while surveying his property.
A smoke trail coming from his stubbly face, I decided to do the same
and lighted my own cigarette.
We shared a lot in common. Especially the bad traits!
Like thin hair, bad eyes and a big tummy.
Although, I was left out of the last one!
He wasn't really as tall as me either.
(We still argue about that)
No, he was just a big man with a deep voice.
He needed that for his yelling!
He could order a pizza from here, without reaching the phone, I can tell you that!
Still, he looked solemn. Like, his thoughts were unusual sharp right now.
The fact that he hadn't talked yet, wasn't really the issue here!
We rarely, even talked. Mostly because I was a failure.
What's there more to know, about a loving dad?
But usually, he wouldn't wait, … but just let me do the god damn chore!
I hadn't done something more stupid then usual, have I!?
Still, I followed is gaze. And then, saw it lingering on one of our trees.
I gulped a little, when I saw his gaze linger a little too long!
When I turned back, he nodded to me and handed me the axe over,
before he walked past me and right back in, threw the basement.
My mind was shaking.
He didn't say anything, when he passed me!
I could sure see why!
As I told, my mom planted almost everything in this garden.
Some things sustained, some didn't. … No big deal!
But this was actually the first thing she planted, right after their marriage.
It was a sour cherry tree and …
well, we were the only one who had one of those in the neighbourhood!
People would come by, borrow some cherries, bake pie!
They even celebrated!
She loved this tree. … I know she did.
But then, me my and brothers did one dumbshit thing after another.
I cannot really tell, if my dad knew about her disease. I never asked him!
It's one of those silly things that's standing between us nowadays.
But she, … she probably knew it.
And she came here, planted her tree and had friends.
And what did we do?
We put nails in it, … tried to built a tree house,
with no concerns about her wishes whatsoever!
And now it's dying.
It's a perfect metaphor for, what happened with our lives.
And even if I'm as cold as any brood in this family!
It's … perfectly logical.
That's why I like it.
Now, I'm the one to make it fall.
The youngest, … the last one to ever fail, under these circumstances.
I knew, she would have wished for something different.
Same do I
I held the axe high and mighty, and was about to swing, when I stopped.
A large pair of eyes was looking at me. … First, I didn't see it.
But once I'd held that axe up high, I'd heard an fearful gasp behind me.
It took me a while to realize, that this wasn't an usual response,
from an animal that gets lost our garden. Far from it, actually.
I slowly set the axe down and turned, to see where it came from.
I began looking at our shed, … same place my bike was in,
and saw two eyes peeking underneath it's door. There was an
hole it, exactly for these kind of situations. For lost animals,
who get lost and need some shelter. My mother made it that way.
As soon as those eyes met mine, they vanished and went deeper into the shed.
I was intrigued, to say the least! But once again, not afraid of anything.
Animals were a common thing in our garden. Be it, that they only came
to fill their bellies! They would usually go for the pond to fetch some fish.
Or, in other occasions, stray around for some meat, that falls down during
our barbecues. Yet, none of them ever got lost in our cottage again!
I knew how much my father hated, for them to mark their territory,
so I called for him to get the keys, so I could open that thing.
It took him a while to do so! He wasn't really cooperative either.
He was making lunch already
and it took me some convincing, to get him out here.
Although, I could have gone and gotten the keys myself?
These are the odd little moments we still shared together!
He was always busy! … For some people, he might just be
the best dad in the world! With all his free hand he's given us.
His passive observations. Pointing out failures that already happened.
Still, he was fearless in his own right.
Not like me, who is just … broken.
No, I wouldn't know how to react,
if the day would ever come,
that I tell my children … they might die sooner then others.
He didn't flinch. He didn't complain.
He just came back from work and … was our dad!
Of course, the time he spends at football games and with his girlfriend,
had been increasing! … But yet, he never fled from anything, like I did.
The only thing we really shared,
was probably that we tend to be really stubborn.
He would never change his parenting methods!
And I … I would never do the test or grow up.
People are always surprised, when I tell them,
that I'm actually adult.
Would surprise me either! Big time even.
We'd unlocked the shed. My dad had his hands wrapped around the door frame.
I was patiently waiting for him, to swing the door wide open, in one motion.
I had armed myself with an old hockey stick from when I was little. Mostly,
because I didn't know what to expect, but could jump us at any moment.
And, just like I'd figured out back then, hockey sticks can really hurt!
We counted to three. Once we did that, my dad flung the door open!
I felt cool air streaming out of it. And, the first I saw, was darkness!
What could it be? A dog? A Cat? … Or something completely different?
My heart was pounding a little, as I tightened my grip around the stick.
Nothing seemed to happen.
Dust was settling! My eyes adjusted!
And I could see, what it is.
Although, I couldn't believe it.