Why Couldn't the Junior Buccaneer Watch the Movie? Because it Was Rated "ARRRRRRR"!
Why Couldn't the Junior Buccaneer Watch the Movie? Because it Was Rated "ARRRRRRR"!
Like the snap of a cart axle breaking, Pinkie awoke. Today was the day! Today was the 19th of September, 2015, which meant--she smirked--ahoy mateys, it was "Talk Like a Pirate Day"! Arrrrrrgh, Pinkie was up in a flash, her smooth, flowing hair quickly poofing into a crazy frizz. Today was one of the bestiforicus days of the year, because pirates are cool and fun to talk like, even though when you actually meet them they can turn out to be lovesick washed up has-beens chasing a mermare in circles. But that was in the past, and today was not the past; today was today!
Pinkie did her daily wake up and get ready to please the world routine, which I'm going to skip because it's not pertinent to the story. In fact, I'll throw in a rather nice page break and jump right to the part you all came to read.
A jingle of bells announced the Sugar Cube Corner front door opening. "Ahoy, there be the fierce protector of the land, Twilight Sparkle!"
"Uh, hi Pinkie," Twilight said casually as she trotted in, muzzle buried in a book. She did a double take upon looking up. "Why are you dressed in pirate garb?"
A gasp. "You mean you don't know? But Twilight, you're the government! Aren't you in charge of this stuff?"
The princess rolled her eyes. "Pinkie, there are many parts of 'the government'. I have nothing to do with costumes or speech patterns. Now, care to explain?"
Pinkie saluted. "Aye aye, Captain! Today, September 19th, is international Talk Like a Pirate Day!"
Twilight perked up. "Oh, I remember now! Last time I had to visit the human world for that stupid (seriously, it was.) battle of the bands thing, we visited a doughnut store and got free doughnuts. Creamy Crisp, I think it was called?"
Pinkie hopped onto the counter. "Krispy Kreme?!? You guys went there?!"
"Uh, yeah. How do you know about the place?"
"Oh, me and human Pinkie--"
"Human Pinkie and I," Twilight corrected.
"Right, we're penpals!"
"You're pen pals? How is that even possible? You live in different dimensions."
"Remember the mare with the crazy hair you're talking to, sister!"
"Right, right," Twilight said, rolling her eyes. "You defy logic and reason. So yes, they give out free donuts at Krispy Kreme on Talk Like a Pirate Day if you, well, talk like a pirate."
"TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE--"
Twilight pulled an Applejack and gagged Pinkie with her hoof. "Pinkie, calm down! I can't just magic you into a parallel universe."
Pinkie extracted Twilight's hoof. "Well, why not?" she asked, tilting her head.
Twilight sighed. It was going to be a long day. "First, coffee. Then we'll talk."
"Right-e-oh! Coming right up... matey," the baker sing songed, adding the pirate lingo as she remembered what day it was. She disappeared into the kitchen and Twilight sat down at a table, resuming reading "How to Diagnose Your Friends' Psychoses: An Introductory Primer".
...two hot hazelnut coffees with creamer and five sugar cubes each later...
"So Twilight, why can't you send me to the human world so I can get free donuts at Krispy Kreme on Talk Like a Pirate Day, HMMMM?"
Twilight, in an unusual reversal, actually looked grumpier now that she had received her coffee. This probably had more to do with Pinkie than with her coffee though. "I told you, there's no way I can do that."
Pinkie, sitting opposite of her and nursing a pumpkin spice latte, was undeterred. "But Twi, you actually haven't expanded upon your reasoning. You and I both know--" her intense eyes glared at Twilight "--that you are totally powerful enough to cast such a spell. What's your angle girl? Why you marshing my mellow?"
"Ugghh, Pinkie, I'm not trying to harsh your mellow."
"Yes you arrrrrrrrrr!"
"I'm not going to merit that with a response. The only way I was able to get to and from the human world was that magic mirror, which at the end of our last, um, adventure, was conveniently shattered into hundreds of pieces which have been scattered through out Equestria, so that I won't have to go on any more adventures to the human world which always seem to happen around late summer."
"But Twilight, 'Equestria Girls: The Rise of Snips and Snails' comes out next week. You haven't quenched the flow!"
"Huh?"
"Oh, uh, nothing. Anyway, I totes know you are powerful enough to craft a new mirror or a spell or something. You're Twilight Sparkle! You're the best spellcaster in the business. You're the Princess of Magic!"
Twilight blushed a little.
"And friendship," she added. "But I mean, even if I am powerful enough--and that's a mighty big if, by the way--I don't know what to cast or how to cast it."
"Sure you do, silly filly!" Pinkie replied.
"I do?"
"Yeah. Well, you will. See, I've got instructions right here!" And the pink pony pulled paper from from her mane and hoofed it to Twilight.
Twilight's mouth hung agape as she scanned the messily scrawled notes in front of her. "This... this is amazing. This is incredible. Pinkie, I--where did you get these?!"
Pinkie squeed. 
"Well, the paper was sitting around the bakery, but I know I got the pen from Davenport. As for the idea itself, I have to acknowledge my debt to Granada Lily the 3rd, whose work on steady state runes was--"
"Y-you mean you wrote this? But... b-b-but how?!"
"With an ink quill, silly."
"Pinkieee."
"Right, well, while I was brewing your coffee, (and as an aside I must apologize for not having it ready already, but now that you're an alicorn you don't seem to need much sleep and so you wake up super freaky early so you're usually our first customer of the day now), I made a quick trip to the Canterlot archives and read through the research Celestia and Starswirl did on dimension hopping, then looked through some other auxiliary texts like the one by Lily, and then I rummaged through your own personal magic journal (sorry for the invasion of privacy, but, me hearty [can't forget to talk like a pirate, now can I? Arrrrr!], you'll agree that we all must make sacrifices for the sake of magical progress) for the finishing touches, and then I came back here, wrote it all down, and your coffee was ready to be served! Easy as a pie in the sky on the fly!"
Twilight had no adequate way of reacting to this. "I... what?"
"Plot convience?"
"Come again?"
"Nevermind. The point is, I need you to get me to Earth so I can get those donuts!
"No," Twilight said emphatically. "Look, I don't know how you assembled this spell matrix diagram. I suspect I would go mad if I tried to comprehend it. But though it looks like it would actually work, and I could probably successfully pull it off, I refuse to cast it. Remember what happened last time we dealt with another world? With good handsome King Sombra and the horrible nightmare that was an evil Celestia? I'm not going to risk entanglement over some free donuts. Can you imagine humans in Equestria? Or Ponies on Earth?! It would be madness!"
"Come oooonnn, Twilight. I'd be there for a day. Celestia was cavorting around with Sombra for years before bad stuff started happened. What's one day going to do? Pleeeeaaase? I'll even bring you back a doughnut!"
"A free donut? Oh, well that changes everything!"
"Really?"
"NO!" Twilight yelled, wings spread in frustration. "I am NOT sending you to Earth. That is FINAL!"
Pinkie's head drooped. "Well, aye aye then. I guess I won't go to earth to get free doughnuts. What will I ever do with my free time today then Twilight?"
"I don't know. Look, I'm sorry to yell at you, but you have a tendency to hyper focus on dangerous ideas, and I just don't want you to--"
"I know!"
"Huh? What do you know, Pinkie?"
"I know what I can do today, yuh scurvy-addled seadog!"
"Oh?"
"Yeah. Remember when you got reeeeeally loaded on sugar and started dancing really wildly at the S³C?"
"Uh, yeah, unfortunately I do." 
"Well, I was thinking that maybe this afternoon I could develop all those pictures I took and accidentally leak them to the press. I'm sure they'd all love to see how a princess really behaves."
Twilight's eyes grew huge. "Nooooooo. You wouldn't dare, Pinkamena Diane Pie."
"Oh, but I would."
"You-y-you're blackmailing me?!"
In a voice nauseatingly saccharine, Pinkie protested. "Please, Twilight. 'Blackmail' is such an ugly word. I prefer the term 'enforcing a favor for a friend'."
Twilight gritted her teeth, firing up the spell. 
"You're a monster."
"I'm not a monster. I'm just really hungry." And Pinkie disappeared into the void.
TO BE CONTINUED... after I get home from the Aquabats concert tonight, because right now my mom's breathing down my neck about getting some actual work done around the house, and then in the afternoon I go tutor kids.
Author's Note
Friday, September 19, any buccaneer to enter a participating Krispy Kreme and talk like a pirate gets one FREE Original Glazed® doughnut. To the landlubber who dares to wear full pirate attire goes a bounty of one FREE dozen Original Glazed doughnuts.
