Author's Note

Why?

The Soldier Archetype

My name is Private Autowaschanlage. I’m a soldier in the Liechtenstein Military. This is my story.

Until a most fabulous incident, I was deployed to fight terrorism in Switzerland. The rise of radical yodelling in the year 20XX proved too much for the Swiss government, and so her closest ally, my glorious home nation of Liechtenstein, answered the call to combat this threat to world peace. On the morning of February 30th, the grand 1st Liechtenstein Battalion of Triumphant Laudation crossed the border, and commenced counter-yodeling operations in the Swiss mountains.

I was the first casualty of that fight. My platoon was chasing down a tip on a cash of lederhosen which took me to an isolated village. I approached the house, thinking I had nothing to worry about. The last thing I felt on Earth was the solid wave of sound, from the throat of a homely swiss woman. I never stood a chance.

When I woke up in Equestria, my ears were still ringing with the-

“Shut up!” Something struck me across the face. “I can hear your thoughts, and that’s getting seriously annoying!”

My eyes snapped open. I was in a room surrounded by colorful horses.

“We’re ponies genius.” The one who hit me, the purple one, spoke at me again. “I know you have ponies on your planet.”

The way her face moved was so cute, totally taking the air from her harsh tone.

“You think that’s funny?” The purple one snapped. “How would you like it if I came you your planet and called you an ape, huh? Would you think that’s funny?”

Uh-Oh. She’s mad at me. This colorful pastel horse clearly has some authority around here. I would do best, as a representative of my species, to be on her good side.

“I asked you a question.” The purple one jerked my choulders so I was facing her. “Do you think that’s funny, huh?”

“Nien.” I answered. Why do I think in English if I only speak German?

“Ugh! The only thing worse than a human is a human who comes to my country and refuses to learn the language!” The purple one huffed. “Lock him in the tower, we’ll deport him tomorrow.”

A blue and a yellow pegasus escort me to my prison. The yellow one talked to me on the way there.

“If you find a job you might be able to secure a work visa before you get deported. Or you could get married. Both of those are difficult, since you’re going to be locked in a tower, but I wish you luck anyway.”

“Helfen Sie mir, Frou Pferd?” I asked.

“Uh… yeah.” The ponies left me alone.

I looked out of my prison tower window, into the sleeping village below. Such a perfect world, free of the terrors of earth, unlikely to ever be terrorised by yodelling.

Maybe I shouldn’t go back! Maybe I could spend the rest of my life here and harmony with these oddly colored horses!

“Ok, time for your deportation!”

It was tomorrow already? Time flies so fast when you don’t think anything irrelevant to the plot!

It was only the purple and yellow horse. the yellow one had a book tucked under her wing.

“Um, would mind terribly if I performed your last right out of the Book of the Door Revised Edition? Somepony borrowed my original copy and never gave it back.” The yellow one asked.

“Ich bin katholisch. Haben sie pferd bibel?” I asked.

“For the last time, we’re ponies!” The purple raged. “Skip the last right, straight to the deportation!”

Oops, she teleported me into a volcano. I melted alive in the magma, yearning for a free and carefree life as a horse.