War. War never changes.

But ponies wouldn’t really know that since their society has been untouched by conflict since its very inception 1500 years ago. At worst they suffered minor annoyance at the hands of vengeful magical spirits who are duly banished by the immortal god-protectors of ponykind. If you were to ask a pony if war changed, they would answer with a very noncommittal “Yeah maybe, I guess.”

But there is someone who knows. He knows war changes.

Oh is it a he? It could very well be a she, or a trans, or a poly-gendered mutant-kin. We don’t very well know how old, tall, fair, fat, or ethnic this chap/chapette is either. We don’t know how strong, fast, smart, or anything else either. He/she/xe/xhe might be good at guns, talking, punching, prancing, good or evil, and we would be none the wiser. Indeed this entity exists as a nebulous concept. We understand that it might, or might not have done some things which saved the world. We’re pretty sure it knows war never changes.

And there are four of these buggers?!

The scene, a grassy grassland a walk of slightly more than a quarter hour’s distance from the village of: Ponyville. The sun, though it’s owner wondered why the hell she hadn’t killed herself yet, hung lazily in the clear blue sky. Butterflies and bees froliked in the flowers, when they weren’t murdering each other over the limited resource.

Four portal, monstrous manifestations of pure probability, ripped themselves bloodily open, linking Earth and Equestria.

Fresh from the defeat of the Master, the Vault Dweller rolled through his portal. A master of kung-fu, this dangerous sociopath karate chopped his way through ten thousand mutants, all the while misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Dangerously hot from exploding the Enclave at the oil rig, the Chosen One sauntered through her portal. Her first act upon leaving her tribe in Arroyo was to do every single drug in New Reno, and sleep with every man, woman, and slave in Den. This drugged up harlot can talk her way out of every confrontation, and if she can’t her slightly phallic gun can do the talking.

The third portal spat out the proud and noble Lone Wanderer, psychoneurotic jerk face. When his flaming sword isn’t gutting innocent wastelanders, it’s rattling the bars of all the people he’s enslaved. Back-to-back genocide champion, this guy didn’t think it was enough to poison the wasteland with a deadly retrovirus, but was slightly assuaged by the violent and nuclear end of his friends the Brotherhood of Steel.

Out of the fourth and final portal stepped the Courier, stoic, deadly, and intelligent. Courier takes no prisoners with his pew-pew laser guns, and copious amounts of explosions. After deciding that the powers of the Mohave were misguided by their feeble human brains devoid of tesla coils, he lead the robot army of doom to New Vegas, a feat he desired to repeat in Equestria.

“That syringe wasn’t what I thought is was.” The chosen one looked around the colorful landscape.

“A new land to rape and pillage!” The Lone Wanderer cheered. “My mutilated organ collection shall grow ever larger!”

“This place, untouched by nuclear war. Interesting.” The Courior picked a blade of grass and examined it.

“Um, excuse me.” The Vault dweller waved. “Hi, uh, hi there. Do any of you know what road takes me to the Boneyard?”

THEY ARE (dun dun dun) THE FALLOUT PROTAGONISTS.

BY THEIR POWERS COMBINED, PONYKIND WILL-

Wait a sec… Who’s that up on that cloud?

“The hell is this?” Twilight Sparkle, unrepentant bastard, regarded the newcomers with distaste. “More humans? Where do you guys keep coming from?”

“We have come to enslave your species!” The Lone Wanderer announced, pointing menacingly with his sword-thingy.

“But not before we subject them to UPGRADING.” The courier corrected.

“And had promiscuous relations with them!” The Chosen One gleefully contributed.

“Did that horse talk?” The Vault Dweller tried unsuccessfully to rub the hallucination from his eyes.

“Get out! This world is already enslaved, by me!” Twilight yelled back. “Promiscuous relations pending.”

“We’ll fight you for it!” The Lone Wanderer said. “Winner gets to eat the looser!”

“Thats hot.” The Chosen One salivated.

“You’ll need to get through my army of peons first.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “You need to earn the right to fight me.”

“Ah, Like a tournament!” The Vault Dweller nodded. “I like the sound of that!”

“Sure whatever.” Twilight said. “Behold my champion!”

“Um hello?” Fluttershy crested the closest hill. “Would you like to hug?”

“WHAA-CHA!” The Vault Dweller roundhouse kicked Futtershy in the neck, sending her head flying over into the Everfree forest.

“Target: Murderized.” The Courier observed.

“And now we destroy the purple one!” The Lone Wanderer lobed a grenade at the cloud-born alicorn. Its timer ran out and it exploded in mid air.

“That was a bit preemptive.” Twilight said. “I haven't even congratulated you on your victory, and that is what obviously precedes the initiation of the next fight. I won’t tolerate procedure breaking.”

“Screw your procedure!” The Lone Wanderer yelled. “Laser dude, laser that horse!”

“I’m a pony.” Twilight corrected. “In point of fact, a pretty pony princess-” She was interrupted by a coursing pulse of red energy. This was followed by several more lasers punching through the cloud.

“Uhm, you’re supposed to be dead now.” The Courior pushed his glasses up and scratched his head.

“Bitch I’m magic.” Twilight said, and sent the three male humans into the sun. They died horribly and in flames.

“I’m tripping so hard.” The Chosen One staggered back through her portal.

The four portals closed unceremoniously, and the meadow was returned to peace. Well, the decapitated body of Fluttershy notwithstanding.

Twilight, from her position on the cloud, saw another portal open on the other side of Ponyville. She grumbled. “I’ll go get another Fluttershy then.”

Author's Note

Why?