Swiftly and violently, my from door is smashed in.

“Freeze, motherbucker!” A dozen ponies in uniforms flood my humble apartment. I recognized Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie among them.

“Aw hell hide the weed!” I yell. I slowly turn to the officers, a smirk on my face. “Oh wait, I don’t have any. This home intrusion is baseless.”

Rainbow Dash snorts. “Very funny human. Submit yourself to arrest.”

Oh, shinp snap stick stacks, I’ve been found out. But how? I’m just as much of a sociopathic recluse in Equestria as I ever was back home. I’ve got to play it cool.

“What could you narcs possibly want?” I ask. “Last I checked, mountain dew is on the approved list.”

“We’re the secret police!” Pinkie bounces in place eagerly.

“You look just like normal police.” I point out.

“That’s the trick of it.” Rainbow Dash whispers conspiratorially. “Now come with us human, Princess Twilight wants to see you.”

-

About five minutes and thirty seconds later I’m thrown into a plain white room. It’s only occupants are a desk and Twilight Sparkle.

If I still had pants…

Twilight just sits there watching me. Maybe she’ll have mercy on me if I ace this interrogation.

“You wanted to see me, your highness?”

Twilight’s laugh is short.
“Actually it’s just my feeding time.”

Oh god she might not be kidding.

“I’m kidding. Sit down.” Twilight commands.

I sit.

“At the desk idiot!”

I scoot myself up to the table.

Twilight magically conjures some documents so that she can shuffle them as she talks. “You cover your tracks well.”

“Thank you, I guess.”

“Let me tell you, putting a null pointer in your immigration application choked the bureaucracy for weeks.”

“Um, yeah I felt really clever coming up with that one.”

Twilight slams the stack of paper against the desk. “Yeah, maybe you’d have gotten away with it too, if your accomplice didn’t rat you out!”

That god damn two bit magician Trixie turned states!

“Please don’t hurt me.” I whimper.

“I’ve got you dead to rights on the felony charge of being a human.” Twilight didn’t need to speak loudly for her words to overwhelm me. “That already carries a mandatory life sentence and/or death.”

“Life sentence and death?”

“Thats right. We brutally murder kill you, resurrect you to serve your soul shattering sentence, and kill murder you again. Just like Spike.” Twilight confirms. “If I find you’ve broken more laws that sentence will be extended.”

I gulp.

“How many ponies have you spoken to?” Twilight demands.

“Just Trixie and my grocer.”

“Liar!” Twilight pounds on the desk. “I know for a fact you’ve also spoken to Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and me!”

She had me there.

“Illegal communication with a pony is twenty lashes.” Twilight growls. “How many ponies have you touched since you’ve been in Equestria?”

“None I swear!” Of that I was certain. I don’t really like to be touched. “Never even wanted to.”

“Wrong again, human. On the count of physical contact with a pony, for which the penalty is super death, you are guilty of one count.” Twilight smirks. “Your own pony body, human.”

God damn it. Touching myself has delivered me to my grave, just like momma said.

“In my defense I’m pretty hot as a pony.” I laugh weakly.

“Yes.” Twilight nods. “Yes you are.”

She teleports me into the the upper atmosphere. As I plummet uncontrollably to the ground, I start to see the hubris of thinking being a unicorn would be best, over the noble and flight enabled pegasus. Earth ponies still suck though. I burn up on reentry. As a last act of revenge, my ashy remains float to the ground where they cause mild nasal irritation.

Author's Note

Pourquoi?