"Once upon a time...

It’s a beautiful day in Equestria
You wouldn’t know because you’re a plebeian human
But that will change soon
You heard there is a portal between earth and equestria
You drive there in your Bogdan Lada 110
Border Control
Hopefully the ponies don’t have your police record
Twelve counts of indecent exposure
You’re in line at border control
The last barrier between you and ponies
Most of the fat neckbeards in front of you are getting turned away
What if they turn you away too?
Your palms get sweaty
The path clears away
You can see the portal ahead of you
”Ahem”
The pony in the border control kiosk calls to you
It’s Rarity
She has to stand on a stool to be able to look out the window
”Next, please”
You step forward stammering
”Uh… uh… uh… Hi!”
”Do you have a visa?”
Rarity is dispassionate
”Uh, no… I uh, I’m-”
You’ve been foiled by the fascist Equestrian regime
”Well, I’m authorized to issue one time work visas.”
You knew there was a reason Rarity was best pony
You’d probably be doing backbreaking labor, but at least you’d get to see equestria
”Yes! Yes! Yes!”
You’re jumping for joy
”Do you have your passport?”
God damn it
”Uh… no.”
Rarity arches an eyebrow
”It won’t matter much anyway.”
She pushes a piece of paper under the glass with her magic
”Have a nice day. Next, please.”
You read the paper as you approach the portal
’Job: Kindling. Starts: Immediately.’
Confused, you walk into the portal
You’re teleported directly into the fuel chute of a massive boiler
You die in agonizing pain
Princess Twilight’s castle has to get hot water somehow.

And that's why the castle smells like burning hair today."

Author's Note

W
H
Y
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