Life's Left Hook

Oh, fun.

Cadance is mad again.

"That's unbelievable! I know Celestia is a greedy hothead, but holy fucking shit! The Prenchies are practically on their knees, kissing her gold-plated horseshoes, and begging for recognition, and she tells them to get fucked and get better at cobbling!"

Okay, so she's really mad.

Her face is bright red, and you can see her absolute scowl on her face.

It's actually pretty scary.

"Cadance?"

"Can you believe that, Anonymous?! Celestia turned down that deal! She denied the richest country on the planet that deal because she felt that it was too big of a commitment or some shit! I mean, for the love of the moon, they're practically handing over their country and their army for you, and you're just swatting them away! What more could you want, you fucking Celestial bitch?!"

It doesn't sound like Cadance is stopping any time soon.

Cadance takes a deep breath, starting to pace around the room as she rants.

"And to make it worse— to make it far, far worse—she has to do it in a time where tensions are higher than they've been for a century, a looming threat of socialism, slavery, and evil is above our heads, and our very way of life is at risk! This is not a time to be fucking around, and here Celestia is, doing things on her damned whim without so much as a thought or a consideration of her sister, her niece, or her student! I was never told a damned thing! Then again, she doesn't say much anyhow, the dumb broad!"

"Okay, Cadance, calm down!"

"No! I won't! This is getting ridiculous! Every time, Celestia pulls this horse shit, and it's getting sickening!"

"Okay, okay, Cadance, I get it, you're mad, but there's gotta be some sort of reason she's—"

"Turning into a despot? OH, WAIT! She already is! But, yes, there is a reason! And that reason is power!"

"Don't you think she wants power, if she's in a tough spot?"

"Yes! Yes, she does! And your power is directly proportional with the number of allies and neighbors you have! She doesn't get that!"

You grab Cadance on her shoulder firmly.

"Cadance. Calm down. Please."

With a snarl still on her face, she takes a deep breath and lets it out.

"...Sorry. Sorry, it's just that politics piss me off sometimes. Celestia especially."

"I, uh, I-I've noticed, sweetheart."

She just shakes her head.

"Sorry for all of that. I really am. I just needed to vent a little."

"More like a lot."

"Right..."

With that, she plops back down onto the comfortable couch, trying to relax.

You walk over and sit down next to her, leaning back.

Soon, Cadance's head finds its way to your lap and idly rests.

You do your duty and start petting her soft mane, idly rubbing her neck and scratching behind her ears.

"...I'm impressed, Anon."

You cock an eyebrow, looking down at her.

"Huh? What did I do?"

Her eyes are closed, and it's clear your hands are working their magic.

"You really kept your composure back there. I thought you were going to kill him when he brought up Octavia."

"I was tempted. But I know I'd never hit him, even if there weren't guards."

"Hmm? Why's that?"

"Well, y'know, he kinda has a point."

Cadance starts snickering, and you can see her lips curl into a smile.

"No, I'm serious! I can't remember how many times I've just sat and stared. Sure, I'm not just gonna let anyone else do that, if I can help it, but still!"

She just shakes her head a little, still giggling.

"Oh, you. But that isn't the only thing I noticed. You were actually formal."

This brings a smile to your face.

"I tried to be."

"If only you had the whole 'politics' portion of that down. Which you'll need soon, since that seems how it's going to be."

"Speaking of that."

"What?"

"I have a million questions."

Cadance sighs a little.

"Ask away, I suppose. Let's get it over with."

"Okay, well, let's start... Well, not with the Hooviets. First off, what about the neighboring nations? Are they completely independent, or are they administered by Celestia? Do they all have the same kind of government, or do they vary?"

Cadance hesitates.

"It's... A little complicated."

"Most nations, like Prance, Germaneigh, and Glascow, are completely independent. Prance is actually an empire, and has an absolute monarchy. Said monarch you just saw. Germaneigh is a constitutional republic, with elected representatives and leaders. Glascow is the world's only true total democracy, since quite literally everyone is called into an assembly once a year to vote for their president, and anyone has the right to speak. Their nation is that small, yes, and it works incredibly well for them, even though this assembly can take up to a week. One country, Mexicolt, doesn't even have a true functioning government. That isn't that big of an issue, since the population is scarce, but the neglect seems to be doing them well. Equestria is actually a despotic theocratic monarchy. I'm not joking, that's literally and legally what it is... All of these nations are independent. However, Celestia and Equestria have absolutely incredible influence on all of these nations, to the point where the only reason we're separate nations is because governments are hard to change and cultural differences make things harder. We're tight knit, and there's not much stopping us. And, recently, with the Neighponese Empire becoming close allies with Equestria, our sphere of influence is growing more and more."

"...Oh. So, basically, they're countries in a country?"

"Precisely. We, Equestria and her allies, are collectively referred to as 'Greater Equestria', just to emphasize the point."

"I get it now. Now, what about the other side of the deal? What's with the Hooviets and their allies?"

Cadance lets out a troubled sigh.

"That's even harder to explain. Ready for a history lesson?"

"I guess."

"Okay, so. Some one hundread years ago, there was a war. It was a devastating war, involving Greater Equestria, which, at the time, was Moosiya, Itailia, Thatcholm, Glascow, and the separatist state of Noveria, which was gaining independence from Prance. We were fighting against two powers, Prance and Germaneigh, which were both imperialistic empires at the time. They took swathes of land from Equestria, which was still relatively weak at the time. I know that's difficult to imagine, but that's important -- it's the reason we're so heavy on military today. Anyway, they had us beat back, Thatcholm and Noveria were both knocked out of the picture, and things were looking grim for Itailia. So, in this mess, Prance decided to launch a full scale invasion of Moosiya. Moosiya, in this time, was a powerhouse in agriculture, manufacturing, and production. This was due to the cow trade."

"Cow trade?"

Cadance lets out a light sigh again.

"Yes, the cow trade. We didn't learn our lesson after the zebras gained independence after countless revolts. Cows were our new slaves, at this time, since they were much less intelligent and less able to fight. Many, many, many cows were sent to Moosiya to farm the land and work in the factories. And, when the Prench attacked, every last one of them was sent off into the military. To be concise, the Moosiyan generals were smart. They retreated, starved the Prench forces, and them when the harsh Moosiyan winters hit, they struck back. One battle, the Battle for Mooscow, was nothing short of a humiliation. More than seventy five percent of the Prench army was wiped out in this one battle. Yes, you heard that right. Seventy five percent of the entire army. Eighty percent of the army was in Moosiya after the attack. The emperor wanted to scare and embarrass the Hooviets; that's why he sent so many into their largest city. Little did he expect for them to not only be much more numerous than he guessed, but they also had something unheard of before."

"Cannons. Cannons were born in Moosiya. The legends say the ground was a field of the dead, and those that weren't killed by the Moosiyan cannons were killed in the devastating melee of sickles, hammers, and hooves. Those that ran from that, however, had no such luck either. The winter was harsh, and the Prench had no preparations. There was no food, water, or warm clothing. The Moosiyans landed on Itailian soil, pushed the Prench back all the way to Pearis, and before we knew it, the war was over. Little did we know that this would be the start of a whole new ordeal. When the cows returned, naturally, they were outraged. They were all sent off to war without even a say in the matter. They were slaves, after all. In mid October, the largest revolution in recorded history took place. The cows completely dismantled the government, killed or sent away any ponies that previously ruled, and established the new socialist government over several of their Hooviet states. These states united to form the Hooviet Union, which would later grow in military and power to rival even Equestria itself. Their political ideas are based on the philosophy of their first ruler, whose name escapes me at the moment. He believed that before, the working masses, the proletariat, all toiled for the upper class, the bourgeoisie. They believed this wasn't right; everyone should be treated equal. And so it is; the Hooviets, for the most part, are classless. Most are even, spare the government leaders, which is hypocritical. They are even on their way to becoming a true communism -- a society with no money or definite social divisions. However, in this, the masses suffer, as well, laboring day and night. Their entire life is devoted to work, likely because it's all they've known. Their idealism spread very, very quickly. The Ibex Empire, after a very hard depression caused by the government, upper class, and other important figures, had a similar revolution supported by the Hooviets. They are now under a similar government system. After them, the Griffin Kingdoms adopted a similar system, overthrowing their monarch and instating a socialist republic. After them followed Noveria, as well as Zebrica and Camelu, former slave colonies of Equestria and Prance. And, now, we find ourselves in a pickle. You have one half of the world that's liberal, peaceful, and full of life, and another half that has forsaken their Celestial Princess, has reduced their societies to rubble, and is armed to the teeth. That... That doesn't sound fun. To make matters worse, they've vassalized multiple states along the way, and have expanded their borders. They have more influence than ever."

"Okay, lemme get something cleared up. How much do the Hooviets and Equestria interact?"

"Pfft, interaction? That's a thing of the past. They wouldn't allow tourists until two years ago, and even then, that was under special circumstances. Do you have any idea how much paperwork the CSO had to go through to get clearance to go to Moosiya on their tour?"

"Lots. Lots and lots of paperwork. As in, stacks. Most of them agreements that if anyone's shot or killed that there's nothing they can do. But, other than that, I think we've only had one diplomat successfully make contact, and even then, that was over a trade dispute in northern Noveria between Noveria and the Hooviets. Other than that, there's no chat, no trading, no discussion. No actions at all, until recently, with their invitation to us to their parade."

"Speaking of that parade. What's that all about, now?"

"It's the annual celebration of the Battle for Mooscow. They basically flaunt their military, give speeches, and retell the story as they give honors to veterans and commanders. This is good for us, since we have no idea what we're dealing with."

"Makes a lot of sense. Anything else?"

"Yeah. What kind of magic do the Hooviets have?"

"Heh, magic? Cows? Nope, nothing."

"Then how do they control the weather?"

"They don't! They've gotten used to the natural weather patterns, which is absolutely incredible, in my opinion."

"Wait, doesn't Celly control the sun?"

"Yes, yes she does. But there's a snowball's chance in hell she's even going to consider using that against the Hooviets. That would harm us just as much as it would harm them, so don't even think about it."

"Oh. Okay.'

"So what you're saying is that this is basically a bomb waiting to go off, and if anyone goes to war, we're all going to war?"

"Assuming that they belong either to Greater Equestria or the Hooviet's sphere of influence, that answer is almost certainly yes. That's why it's so important for us to be careful and keep on our toes. And, unless I can convince the Cervidans to join my side, they might be inclined to smack us down early."

"That's actually scary. Why are the Cervidans so reluctant on joining us?"

"The king died of illness, and now there are disputes over the throne. They're quite unstable."

"That's not good. For them or us.

"It isn't. Especially since we're unprepared for war. We haven't been at war for almost a century, and most of the veterans are long gone. That, and not many Equestrians even know that much history anyhow."

That last fact strikes an odd chord.

"Wait, what? Why?"

Cadance shrugs.

"It's just not a commonly researched subject. I'm assuming most just don't want to, since it's so graphic and horrible, most of the time."

"True."

"And I don't want to have to put anyone through that. Especially not my own people. Not after Sombra's reign."

You sigh a little.

"That's... I'd never be able to do that. That would be way too much for me to handle."

"Well, you have to deal with me and four other mares. I think you could handle a country just as well as I do."

You both laugh a little, but stay quiet.

"Think that's enough, for tonight? My mouth is dry, and I'm getting tired."

"Yeah, I'm fine, for now. Are you okay, now?"

She shrugs.

"Still a little irritated, but, yes, I'm much better now."

"Good. Because I think you've forgotten something."

She looks up at you in confusion.

"Oh? What?"

"Remember, yesterday, or the day before, you promised to give me a little something?"

Cadance looks around the room, and in a moment, her horn glows.

Your zipper does, as well, and she starts to tug it down.

"No, no, not that. Not that I don't want that! Yes, I'll want that too, actually, but after another thing."

"Then what?"

"You said one night that you were a licensed masseur?"

A smile comes to her face.