And so it begins, ahh damn where in Tartarus do I start? Don’t worry I’ll spare you the damn sob story that is my past and upbringing. Yeah you know the one. The one where your parents bring you into this world only to buck you over several years later? Anyway, the name’s "Dark Net", Hacker, Internet Lurker, and I've got a question to ask you. You ever screw up so damn hard that you have a bunch of grim bastards in trench coats break down your apartment door? No? Well I have and it’s a Celestia damned riot I’ll tell ya that. I don’t know what was more fun, the countless jabs in the ribs or maybe it was the part of getting dragged into a car with a black bag over my head?

I mean who would've thought that stupidly hacking into an unknown network would cause so much awful? Well not king of the idiots here. You see after they dragged my barely conscious dumbass self out of that car, I was dragged through some sort of building and plopped in a chair. Then after getting blinded by some lights I was offered a really sweet deal. I could either work for these fine upstanding folks on the grounds that they couldn't figure out what I did or lose my teeth and use of my legs. Now being that I really like my teeth AND my legs, it wasn't that hard of a decision to make.

So here I am stuck working for a damn secret vampire hunters’ organization called “Heart Stake”. I kid you not they call themselves that. It sounds like some sort of awful dating game show. You know the ones they show on public broadcasting that get canceled in a month? Anyway my clever input was clearly unwelcome by that great back hoof I got for my sarcasm. Well screw ‘em if they can’t take a damned joke.

Whatever the job really wasn't that horrible from the start until they started piling all the horrible on me. Oooh Dark Net, fix the copier. Hey Dark Net, my computer won’t boot up. Yo Dark Net, my keyboard’s not working because I’m too damn stupid TO PLUG THE DAMN THING IN THE CORRECT PORT! How in Tartarus did I go from being a Hacker and Network/Database Admin to also being tech support for the mentally incapable? Who cares, it doesn't matter.

What does matter is what happened next after five years of this living nightmare. You see I was minding my own bus-HAHAHAHA yeah…I can’t say that with straight face. In reality was actually digging though some files I probably didn't have access to out of sheer boredom. And they showed that the vampires these morons were fighting seemed to split into two factions in this city for some unknown reason. Now while one of them was all sorts of awful, but the other was downright heinous.

So in their infinite wisdom the Heart Stake commander decided it was best to make a truce with the lesser of two evils. Because I mean what could possibly go wrong with that, right? And here comes the catch, we all had to work together and after reading a small snip bit I noticed I was going to be teamed up with a new partner. Yeah…that ain’t gonna happen. I’m not going to let some loser screw up my chances of getting out of here and swipe all my energy drinks. Nope, uh uh, no no nooo, noooot gonna happen.

Well imagine my surprise when it fucking happened. I was listening to some remixes by DJ Pon-3 on my headphones when I heard a knock at my door. Well more like I felt hard slamming as I somehow kept increasing the volume. So after grumbling several times I walked over the door, slipped off my headphones, and said “Yeah?”

A voice on other side said “Dark Net, this is Commander Gray Heart. Can you please come out here for a minute?”

Great, it was that trench coat wearing queen bitch herself. You know, the one that ordered my original beat down before offering me that really sweet deal? This crazy mare probably sleeps, showers, and works in that same coat day in day out. Anyway I cleared my throat and said back, “Hey if this is about that large box of sugar packets that got swiped from the cafeteria, I’m telling you I was framed.”

“That was you?!”

“I told you I was framed!”

“Bullshit, but this isn't about that so get your flank out here right now!”

“Fine fine give me a second,” I replied unlocking the door.

The hall lights blinded me for a few seconds as I walk out. I then half narrowed my eyes and said “Yeah? What ya need?”

She frowned and said “As I know you've been digging through random files again-”

“What? No, I don’t do that anymore. It’s bad for my health, you know the whole welcome wagon thing?”

Her frown got worse, “Again bullshit, but at least I don’t need to fill you in on the details. You’re getting a new partner as per the truce. Her name is ‘Bytes” and she’s a hacker like yourself. She could be valuable asset to us even if she is a damned vampire.”

I scowled, “Oooh no. Nope nope NOPE! All the NOPE! I’m not going to be paired up with some fanged loser who’s gonna look at me like I’m a walking juice box!”

Yeah I know it was a bit harsh, but a partner would really put a damper on things. I've been trying day and night to find a way to get out of here. A tag-a-long would probably slow that down or even stop my process.

After only a second I heard a cough and then somepony next to me say, “Oh wow this must be terribly embarrassing for you. I’m right here…”

I looked to my left to find a medium sized, dark red furred, black maned, green slitted eyed vampire mare carrying a small cooler and giving me a death glare. Damn this was not good. I really didn't feel like hurting her feelings, but I really couldn't afford somepony watching me at all hours of the day. So I stared right back, faked surprise before saying “Well would ya look at that? I don’t care,” and then narrowed my eyes again.

She glared for a second before grumbling “Great, I get to work with a black furred, purple eyed, asshole stallion.”

I ended up losing my temper for a second from the insult. “No, you don’t get to work with ‘A’ black furred, purple eyed, asshole stallion. You get to work with ‘The’ black furred, purple eyed, asshole stallion! The very same asshole named 'Dark Net' that runs a lot of the network systems around here!” I snapped back

Bytes was going to say something else, but a hoof was placed on her shoulder from the other vampire standing next to her. She looked like she came right out of a cheap monster movie. I mean she was fully decked out in a Vicponian style outfit. Sweet Celestia how cliché can you get? It was paaaainful to not laugh my flanks off. But, that feeling ended mighty quick when she spoke.

Her voice had this horrible and polite malice to it as she said, “I do hope we can all get along my dear Dark Net. I promise Bytes shall be on her ‘best’ behavior…or else,” and then flashed me a fanged smile that didn't mean anything remotely friendly.

Wow, I can’t say I've ever heard a voice that could chill a room like an industrial freezer. I swear I thought I saw a penguin walk by after she spoke in that creepy cold voice of hers. It didn't seem to have any effect on the Commander, but Bytes looked scared senseless. And for some reason that really pissed me off. I don’t like it when others get pushed around like that. Probably because it hits waaaay too close to home.

I rubbed my face as my damn conscience kicked in. “Fine fine ugh. Follow me Bytes and I’ll get you setup.”

I was probably going to regret making that choice. Even with Baroness Von Icebox’s threat of violence your ol’ pal Dark Net here could be a certain somepony’s next meal or worse. I really should stock up on those silver stakes in case Bytes gets a tad heh heh ‘bitey’. Oh well one problem at a time, Dark Net. One problem at a time.

Author's Note

This was a little story that was stuck in my mind for really only about a week. It is a tad different than how I usually write, but I found it quite entertaining to say the least. In turn, I hope you all do as well, enjoy.

~Shadowscythe