An Accurate First-Contact Scenario
Celestia yawned as she forced herself out of the downy soft sheets that her loyal subjects had so kindly provided her with. Every night was a restful night to the young (by Alicorn standards) monarch in the peaceful times that she'd helped bring her nation to. Well, a former monarch that is. The return of her sister had made her a much less lonely diarch and co-ruler to Equestria now. She couldn't help but smile at that.
The soft, white mare stretched languidly as she planned out the coming day. While most princesses would have somepony else plan out their day for them, Celestia had far too much of a spine for that sort of nonsense. 'If you want something done right, do it yourself' was a turn of phrase her mother had coined, and it had stuck with her ever since that mare's untimely death.
She was just slipping on her regalia when a loud rapping came from her door. Celestia smiled, knowing full well that only her sister Luna would bother knocking that loudly.
"Come in, Sister!"
The door creaked open as a very tired looking alicorn stumbled in. Her dark blue coat was a bit ruffled up from all the hours she'd spent dealing with the pathetic excuses for nobility that Canterlot had foisted upon the diarch.
"Good morning, Tia. I hope you rested well?"
"Oh, you know it!" Celestia responded happily. It was no secret that she had always been a morning pony. "So how'd the Night Court go?"
"As miserably as ever, of course," Luna stated. "I'm sure that their first-world problems are the least of our worries, though."
"Oh?"
"We received a strange letter last night. I do not know what to make of it, but it feels insidious," the dark alicorn said. "I have it right here for you to read, if you have the time. I wouldn't normally be concerned about such things, but the paper is of a make that is foreign to us."
Celestia finished slipping on the rest of her regalia before trotting over to her sister. She wrapped her magical aura around the accursed parcel before carefully opening it. The paper inside was far too white to be Equestrian, and the scent sounded almost too clean. With a sigh, she read it.
10/31/2014
VIA CERTIFIED MAIL
Mr. Joe Blow (J.D.)
Grabbastic Attorney Office
1524 Legaljerk Ave.
Sacramento, California
Re: Infringement of Trademark Rights of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic™
Dear Princess Celestia:
It has come to our attention that you have explicitly and deliberately violated the trademark on My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic™ which is property of Hasbro Incorporated and its CEO, [CENSORED]. You have not adhered to the Fair Use laws that this great nation has allowed for. This is criminal and will be treated as such if you do not reply in the next three days.
Failure to comply to our demands will result in criminal prosecution. Copyright infringement is a felony, punishable by both a substantial legal fee and time in prison. We understand that you nor anybody else would wish this upon themselves, but you have left us with no choice.
We demand that you cease all activity in your universe that has anything pertaining to or in relation to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic™ or any of its subsidiaries. Your universe is a blatant attempt to make a profit off of our intellectual property, something that we cannot and will not allow.
If you do not wish to shut your universe down peacefully, we will of course send in the Fun Police™ to take care of it for you. We will not negotiate on this.
Sincerely,
Grabbastic Attorney Office
"W-what's this about?" Celestia asked nervously. "This is utterly absurd!"
"We must agree, dear Tia. We don't know what to make of this, though. What if it's serious business?"
"Then we must surely respond, Sister."
"Verily! Let me fetch my Holy Pen of Smiting!"
[CENSORED] was having a great day. He'd already managed to force three mergers, acquired two railroads, have a peasant publicly whipped with a limp noodle, and even stole candy from a baby. He felt amazing!
"Mr. [CENSORED]," his secretary paged in. "There's a letter here for you from a certain 'Princess Celestia'."
Just like that, [CENSORED]'s day was ruined. How many times would he have to tell that confounded woman that his name wasn't Mr. [CENSORED] to her. He was an almighty overlord and wished to be treated as such!
"Maria, you know better than to call me that. Please use the proper terms when addressing someone of my stature."
"Whatever."
"What was that?"
"Nothing, my lord."
"Better. Now what is this letter about?"
"It's something regarding a cease and desist order you sent out recently. I can bring it to you, if you wish."
"Yes, please do so," [CENSORED] stated, patiently waiting for his secretary to walk in. He whistled in appreciation of today's maid outfit as she handed him the letter. Maria blushed brightly before rushing back to her office.
"Ah, life is glorious!" he said before diving into the message.
Dear Mr. [CENSORED],
I have read the demands that your pet attorney has sent me and, unfortunately, I must decline. While you're apparently an American, you like everypony else in your nation must learn that laws made within your borders are not applicable outside of those borders.
While you apparently own the rights to my universe within your nation for some inexplicable reason, those same laws cease to be of any relevance out here. As for your Fun Police, we have a certain pink mare who'd love to meet them. I'm sure any form of law enforcement with such a name would be delighted to spend times at one of her parties.
No, we will not allow you to shut this universe down. I've enjoyed my stay here far too much to just roll over and cease to exist just to adhere to a system of laws that I was never part of in the first place. Your expectation of this from me and my subjects is almost insulting.
I do have to ask though; since when does somepony get to own the exclusive rights to a universe they're not even part of? By that same reasoning, I could simply pass a law in my universe saying that you're a piece of property to Equestria and demand that your government hand you over for recompense. Can you see where this line of thought leads?
Best Regards,
Celestia of Equestria
First Diarch of the Equestrian Empire and Holy Protector of Equus
P.S. Thy mother was a hamster and thy father smelt of elderberries!
P.P.S. Don't worry, that was just my little sister.
P.P.P.S. We admit that was us. We are very sorry for our astringent insult to thee.
The CEO read the letter over several times before trying to think of any loopholes that would allow his shakedown to work regardless. Having found none, the greedy man sighed despondantly.
"Aw, shucks! Well guys, it looks like we'll be granting DHX another couple of seasons."
