Chapter Bon:

I am Jayson DeBass, age 32, and I’m more than just your average Brony.

I managed to find a portal to Equestria, and now I can travel back and forth between Equestria and Earth whenever I want.

I didn’t build the portal, of course. That was done by some chump named ‘Jakass Citadel’ or something. He opened a travel agency that let people go to Equestria. I was one of its first customers.

My travels in Equestria were relatively unremarkable. They were full of all the clichés that you’d expect whenever humans came to Equestria for the first time. Instead, the most interesting part was at the end.

You see, every time people go somewhere else, they always have a need to buy souvenirs to take back home with them. And everywhere tourists go, there are always greedy locals loaded with cheap crap to sell. This kind of exchange is a win-win for both parties, and many places build their entire economies off of this. This would later become true for Equestria, but presently there was a huge problem: nobody could trade with each other.

Earth money was worthless in Equestria, and Equestrian money was worthless on Earth. Therefore, the bronies couldn't buy souvenirs and naturally they made a big fuss about it.

It was my brilliant idea to open a business where customers could convert their Earth money into Equestrian money and vice-versa. I called it ‘The Conversion Bureau.’ Everybody thought I was doing them a huge favor by making a place where they could exchange their money, but secretly I was capitalizing on their plight by making slight alterations to the exchange rates to guarantee that I would make a profit on every transaction. I also made the exchange rates fluctuate daily just to confuse people and to cover my tracks, just like human world currency exchanges do. Stupid Goyim.

Thanks to my genius, bronies could now blow their hard-earned shekels on autographs from their favorite ponies and Discord-shaped lamps. In other words, trade prospered, and as trade prospered, I became rich. Nowhere near as rich as the guy who created the portal in the first place, but still pretty frickin’ rich in my own right.

I bought a 2017 Lexus GS 450h with voice command, surround sound audio, electroluminescent instrumentation, a dynamic tachometer, HomeLink universal transceiver, and paddle shifters. I also bought a 7,000 square foot house on a 5-acre property on the outskirts of ‘the good part of town.’ Then I hired an interior designer and bought a bunch of patent leather furniture and put a fence up around my property. After spending all that money on random shit, I still had more money left over that I could blow on random shit.
However, I’m not exchanging money right now because I’m on an extended personal vacation at the moment, but I can still access the internet to take requests. As for why I’m on vacation when I could be making even more money by taking requests? Well….

“Honey? You forgot to flush the toilet again!”

I’m secretly married to Bonbon, and I wanted to finally leave my house on something besides business for once.
I’m not the proud father of four earth pony foals. I think that four foals would be too much, and I would prefer to settle with three. Actually, I’m not a proud father at all. I don’t even have any kids! No, it’s not because there’s an 18 chromosome difference between humans and ponies (Jackass Citadel proved that wrong), it’s because we never really tried for kids. But now that we’re married and filthy rich, we’ve decided that it’s high time to take our relationship to another level.

I met Bonbon through Ponywaifu.com, one of those mail order bride websites. When I went to Equestria to meet her in person, I fell head over heels for her at first sight. Unlike human women, who are total bitches (no offense to canines), pony waifus are sweet, caring, kind, and above all, sexy. All of the human women are stuck-up snobs who would rather throw themselves into dangerous relationships with drug-addicted douchebag swaggots than the loving embrace of nice guys like me. But pony mares are not like that. Instead, they prefer the company of nice guys and appreciate our vast intelligence and class. I know that she wasn’t just dating me for my money, because she said so.

As the weeks passed, we grew closer and closer. By the time we’d known each other for a month, I knew I had to do something. Something that would change our lives forever: I had to introduce her to my parents.

Introducing your girlfriend to your parents is a crucial part of preparing for marriage. Your parents are more likely to accept your girlfriend to them before you become engaged, and far more likely to accept her than if you elope and have kids without telling them at all.
We met Bonbon’s parents first, who were really kind and accepting. My parents were a different story altogether.

Upon revealing to my parents that I was dating a sentient horse, my parents were weirded out at first. The first half of the evening passed in awkward silence, interrupted sporadically by hushed whispers between my parents or Bonbon and myself. About halfway through, my mother endeavored to start a conversation with Bonbon, who reciprocated. The two of them ended up getting along well by the end of the evening. Meanwhile, my dad remained silent, angry, and suspicious, with the words “Son, I am disappoint” on the tip of his tongue the entire night.

Near the end of the evening, Bonbon excused herself to go to the bathroom. I took this moment to announce to my parents that I intended to propose to her. My mom was perfectly fine with my decision, but my dad was not. He called me a zoophilic gay-ass pedophile wanker who sucked horse cocks and took a children’s cartoon way too seriously. He said that I was only allowed to marry a human woman from a rich family, preferably the daughter of one of his co-workers. I told him that he had no right to tell me who I could and couldn’t love.

Then I told my dad that if he didn’t like who I married then he didn’t have to come to my wedding and demanded that he apologize for calling me a zoophilic gay-ass pedophile wanker horse cock sucker children’s cartoon obsessor. He refused, so I sent him up to his room without supper. He didn’t bother anybody for the rest of the night.

Then it was finally time for me to propose to her. I bought a ring and took her to Neskowin, then popped the question on a walk on the beach after a romantic candlelight dinner. She was completely caught off-guard by my proposal, even though she was there when I had bought the ring and we were staying in a hotel called ‘Proposal Rock Inn.’

Of course she said yes, otherwise this story wouldn’t have gone anywhere. I told Bonbon about how my particular religion does weddings (wearing bed sheets and Masonic aprons and the like), and at first my request was denied but after some carefully placed bribes everything went along according to plan. Most of the people we invited came, including Bonbon’s family even though they had to cross dimensions. My family came too, even my dad, but he kept insisting that Bonbon was evil and that I should dump her. But other than that, the wedding was flawless. There were a few unexpected guests like Queen Chrysalis and zombie Groucho Marx, but they didn’t cause any trouble. Actually, they helped us a lot by helping me bound and gag my dad, then lock him in the basement just before the wedding.

In regards to names, Bonbon insisted that we hyphenate our last names because feminism. I eventually conceded to that. Our new family name was to be a combination of both our legal names, Sweetie Drops and Jayson DeBass. From that point forward, we were to be known as ‘Sweetie Drops-DeBass’ and Jayson Drops-Debass,’ respectively.

For our honeymoon, we went to Equestrian Fiji, which is just like regular Fiji, but with ponies. We had lots of sex there, but Bonbon never got pregnant because we remembered to use condoms, just like we had been taught in school. My dad insisted that condoms were an abomination because birth control was immoral and that life begins at conception and a bunch of other pro-life crap, but I pointed out that millions of sperm cells die every time you have sex, regardless of whether you use contraceptives or not. This deflated his logic like a needle in a balloon, and he never bothered us on the issue of birth control ever again.

And as I’ve said before, we haven’t had any kids yet. Well, tonight I’m really excited because I might just finally ‘do it’ with Bonbon if our date goes well. Anyway, enough reminiscing, Bonbon’s calling for me!

Author's Note

A/N: What? If I’m giving myself the perfect wife, then I might as well give myself the perfect house and the perfect car, and humiliate all of the people I don’t like in the process.
Don’t you dare call my OC a Mary Sue just yet! Read the rest of my frickin’ story instead of jumping to conclusions!

Special thanks to Goat Train for the art.