For want of a better sentence, WTF?

“Shit! Fuck! Crap!”, came a shout from the basement.

“Hehe, did your smoke drop out of reach again?”, Spike called from the doorway,”Or you out of whiskey?”

“Yeah, absolutely, fucking funny dragon! You try doing these experiments Celestia wants done, without losing your cool!”, came the, rather loud reply, closely followed by a purple, red eyed unicorn, “And, if you want to see your next birthday shorty, you’ll keep your comments to yourself, understand?”

“Sheesh! Twilight, calm down, don’t go having a rage-shift, the books’ll burst into flame, and I’ll get the blame, don’t I always?”

Still, it was a pretty quiet day, as days for Twilight Sparkle, Ponyville’s number one librarian, well, Ponyville’s ONLY librarian to be honest, and what better way to spend the day (hey! THAT rhymes) than attempt to do just one, oh please, just one assignment, before her Royal Pain-in-the-ass sends another letter via Equestria’s only talking letter box.

Now, all she needed, was for one of the Elements to appear, and make her day a living hell. Oh, hang on, WHO’S this heading towards the library?

Nope, not one of THEM, but somepony else, everyponies favourite mail mare, and, strangely enough NOT flying.

Spike ran towards the door as soon as the first knock came, trying to get there before he got an ear bashing from the Purple crabby bitch from hell.

“Oh, hi Derpy! What brings you here?”

“Hi Spike, I’ve got a parcel for Miss Twilight, and it needs signing for.”, Derpy replied, looking over Spikes, well, not exactly shoulder, but more like, over the top of him, to see what was going on.

“Well, give me the clipboard and I’ll sign it.”, Spike said, waving his claws in front of the mail mare.

“Sorry Spike, but it’s only to be signed for by Twilight.”

“Fine, I know when I’m not wanted”, and turning to Twilight, “If you want me, I’ll be in the kitchen, fixing YOUR lunch.”

“Hey, Bubbles! Get your flank in here, and I’ll sign anything you want!”, came a shout from the other side of the library. Derpy was taken aback at the use of her real name.

“Um, Twilight?”

“Yeah, what?”

“How..How’d you know THAT name? I thought nopony knew it.”, came a rather confused reply.

“I know many things, and finding out your REAL name, wasn’t too difficult. Now, where’s that bloody package you need me to sign for?”, Derpy (Bubbles? Ditzy? Ah, who cares!) reluctantly trotted into the library to where Twilight was slouching in one of a seamless supply of sofas.

Taking the clipboard in her magic, Twilight starts to sign, “Sign here, and here, oh, and a third time. Luna is making it harder for anypony to mess things up in the postal system these days!”, Derpy commented as a look of annoyance crossed Twilights’ face.

“Sorry, what the fuck? Luna is in charge of the postal system now?”, exclaimed our purple pony.

“Yes Miss Twilight, Luna was thought a better CEO of the EqPS, seeing as our last CEO was, how can I put it? Oh yeah, abducted by Queen Chrysalis, and had his soul sucked right out.”

“Wow!”, was the only reply she could think of.

“Oh, don’t worry, nopony could tell the difference. But, Celetsia decided that  hard-assed pony should be put in charge. And, well, she’s doing a bloody good job of it, we only ever see her at night, and most of the ponies have gone home by then.”, Derpy replied back, and sitting down on the sofa next to Twily, looked at her (as best she could), then with a, slight, bit of trepidation in her voice, said, “Now, how the hell do you know my REAL name? Miss Twilight!”

Twilight, just sat there for a few moments, staring at the Light sapphire bluish gray (That’s what it says on her Equestria Postal Service card!) pony, as if she’d (Twilight, that is, not Derpy) been staring at a cockatrice, and then, (finally!) spoke.

“With my connections in Canterlot, I need to know everypony, their names, and aliases, family backgrounds, well, EVERYTHING! And, well, when it comes to you, my mail mare, well, it’s very interesting, very interesting, INDEED!”, with a grin that would make a Diamond Dog run for cover, she continued, “I know that Bubbles is your real name, everypony else just calls you Derpy, cos your eyes, are, well, fucked, they think that calling you something, nasty’ll make you even more miserable. Shit, even Spike calls you that (please, remind me to deal with him later), BUT, I won’t use that name.”

Bubbles (ok, I know, but I don’t want Twilight to kick my ass) relaxed by a few million points.

“Miss Twilight, thank you, you don’t know how much I hate THAT name, and, if you want the truth, I pray to Celestia that everypony who uses that name would turn into dust. If I could turn back time, I’d take the operation that my parents wanted me to have to fix my eyes, but couldn’t afford it.”, she broke off then, as tears started to appear.

Twilight was actually shocked at this outpour of emotion, and did the only thing she could think of, and that was to magically drag the mare over to her, and place a comforting foreleg around the, now, sobbing mares neck, and pull her into an embrace.

This made our favourite mail mare sob even harder into Twilight’s neck, Twilight started to softly stroke Bubbles’ mane, and whisper, “Bubbles, I’ll never, never let ANYPONY take the piss out of you, or your name, NEVER! If I need to, I’ll get Huffy The Magic Dragon to apologize to you on the town hall steps in front of everypony.”

The sobbing slowly faded, and with a final ‘SNURK’, Bubbles looked up, smiled, and then, promptly, fainted.