"So what is this, are you leading me to my execution?"
The only response to my question was a quick smack to the head with a baton.
"Ow! Bloody hell, if you didn't want to answer, you didn't have to hit me!"
Another smack.
"Ow!"
'Smack!'
I decided to shut up right then. After a few agonizing minutes of walking down the corridor where they kept me, i was suddenly bombarded by the bright, hateful light of the sun. Being locked up for eight years in a 12 by 8 foot cell with only a poorly maintained fluorescent light to show me what’s happening makes it sort of hard to look at anything bright. In all seriousness though, the light went out about three years ago and no ones bothered to bother about it. They wheeled me towards a large carrier plane to where, i assume, whatever was, was. And I’m not kidding. Those A-holes were so afraid of me; they put a hundred chains on my everything, and stuck me into an iron box. A few hours in there, and they pulled me into what appeared to be a military base.
Wheel, wheel, wheel, and turn! Elevator ride, 15 floors, wheel, wheel, turn! Turn! More wheel, wheel, wheel, and finally, we stopped.
When we finally stopped, a stern faced man came up in front of that little cut out of the box, you know, what made it so that i could breath and just high enough to see out side. The extremely unhappy fellow obscuring my vision squinted and then walked away. I heard a loud snap and the four walls of my box fell away and all the chains fell off too.
A few dozen men, in lab coats no less, were staring at me like they expected me to do some thing. When it was apparent that i wouldn't, they started moving around again, and a brown skinned woman with purple hair with pink highlights came up to me and, pushing the glasses up on her nose, said,
"Are you Jeremiah joseph Jonathan smith?"
"Ye~es?!"
"Good. That means we didn't mess up with the order. My name is twilight sparkle, and-"
I burst out laughing right then. "Puhahahahahaha! That’s your name? Oh man, that makes up for all of this. Now," i panted, "whadya want?"
"Rather blunt are we?" she said apprehensively, "but right. I’ll get right to the point. 15 years ago, a few years after you started your killing spree", she gave me a glare, "a physicist named tirek, managed to build, and i kid you not, a dimensional portal. We managed to extract it and now we have no idea what to do with it. It was in storage for a month, and then it suddenly came to life." she pointed at a device standing in the middle of the room, surrounded by complicated machinery, which i won't even attempt to describe. But the device looked literally like a magic mirror. I shrugged.
"And i guess, because I’m dispensable, you want me to go through it?"
She nodded.
I sighed. "Okay, but i dictate what goes in with me, alright"
She nodded again.
I smiled and listed off what i wanted.
An hour later, i had everything i needed:
One fire axe
One crossbow, with 65 normal arrows, and 25 explosive tip arrows
3 pairs of army fatigues, including steel plated boots and a Kevlar vest
5 different guns including,
A desert eagle, with 500 rounds normal, 100 hollow tip
An assault rifle, all ammo hollow tips
A hunting rifle, with 600 normal rounds
A subcompact G39 glock 500 normal round
A ColtM16A3 automatic rifle 800 normal rounds
A pair of blade tipped nunchaku
A katana, not one of those shoddy, break-on-one-hit, crap katanas, I’m talking one of the good ones.
A tanto knife to go with it
My personal iPod.
A trench knife, my own personal one (i painted it red with black highlights)
A COM set complete with a Bluetooth
A pair of brass buckles
One basic medical kit
One duffle bag, extra large
After all that was packed away, i walked up to the mirror, while twilight, if that was her real name, kept spouting off safety shit.
"Listen twilight, i don't care about any of that stuff, if i fry, that'll just yield more results for you, and the world would be done a favor."
She was about to protest, like she really cared about my well-being. I shook my head and, after a mental pep talk, i gulped and walked into the rather gooey portal. I mean it felt gooey. I’m sure that it's just ephemeral portal stuff and I’m just imagining it, but it felt gooey. After less than a second into the portal, i whited out.
Ow.
I hurt all over. I couldn't even move to see if i made it to the other side.
Beep.
Whazat? A heart monitor? Who on gods green earth-
Beep.
Oh right. Not on earth anymore.
Beep.
Well, nothing for it but to try to open my eyes.
With a rather painful grunt i managed to open my eyes just a sliver. And what i saw horrified me. A sterile hospital, not what i was expecting? Everything built to what appears to be a third of my size, not expecting that. A horse with a nurse’s hat and a red cross on her butt, i was about ready to scream in surprise, but only managed to make a grunt.
"She must have heard that, because her ears perked up and she looked at me with a startled look, and ran off, probably to go tell the doctor, or something. Oh well, that’s her problem. While she was gone, i made a little progress with moving; i managed to move my entire right hand. I could feel my numbness wearing off by the second. I was almost strong enough to stand by the time the doctor; i assume, walked (trotted?) through the door of my hospital room and said in a rather absurdly cheery voice,
"Well, how’s our little mutant today?"
I wanted to strangle that doctor, but i suddenly felt all the strength ebb out of me.
"I personally, think that your extremely ugly, i mean, how an ape comes to have been shaved, have it's tail cut off, and be distributed on the edge of pony Ville, i haven't the slightest clue. I wouldn't have treated you, at least without insurance, but the princess insisted. And so, here we are. You have been here for three days sleeping away. The odd bag you had is with the princess, by the way, if you wanted to know. I would prefer if you could leave as soon as you possibly can, so we may use the bed you have probably contaminated with lice for other, less odd, paying, patients." he smiled all the while he said that. I had the sudden urge to lash out at the medical world, but i couldn't find a scalpel. So with great agony, i managed to get out of the bed, and move slightly less painfully with every step. Eventually, the doctor, who had a picture of a malpractice suit on his flank oddly enough, pushed me out the door of the hospital.
I was going to have to talk to this princess about that man... horse... thing.
After a few moments of unfortunate wandering in which i tripped over a log, scared three of the things, i eventually figured to ask one of the miserable things directions. Why call them miserable, you ask? They certainly, as a whole, have not truly offended you, so why the stereotype, you ask? Well the first seven of the creatures i had met ran screaming, and the eighth, with wings i might add, opted to shoot me with a lightning bolt. You heard me right. It floated up to a cloud, and through something so entirely absurd i couldn't even begin to describe it be cause it violates several laws of physics, kicked it, and a bolt of white lightning came out and struck the ground where i was standing a few seconds ago before i had run away. After i felt i was a significant distance from a sociopathic Pegasus, i stopped and looked at the rather big thing that i was in the shadow of.
It was an extremely large crystal castle. I put a hand to my forehead and squeezed, for no reason. I must have thought that might help with... this, but i didn't. That must be where the bloody princess of this infernal town lived. I walked up to the extremely extravagant front door, with the thought of hope much this must have cost running through my head, and knocked on the door. For reasons i can't fathom, maybe they left the door unlocked and made of Styrofoam, it opened with the slightest touch. I shook my head to rid it of the multitude of paradoxes that seemed to be piling up, and walked in.
"Twilight!" rainbow dash zoomed in through the window and came up straight to twilight. "You won't believe what i saw!"
"What?"
"A monster! In a hospital gown!"
Twilight didn't need this right now. She was busy dissecting the mysterious items the thing she put in the hospital for safekeeping brought with him. She face-hooved.
"That wasn't a monster, that was a test subject!" she practically yelled at rainbow. "Now go find him!" rainbow saluted and zoomed out the window again. She shook her head. 'What to do with her.' she thought. Suddenly she got a cold chill. As if something was watching her. She turned around and saw, for a brief second the door just an inch open, and then slam shut. She rushed to the door and pulled it open. Just a glimpse, but she saw a tall, bipedal creature turning at the bottom of her stairs. Ever the inquisitive pony she rushed down the stairs and turned after the creature. For some reason, all the lights in this part of the castle were out. She would contemplate how magical light could go out later. She was going so fast she smashed right into spike.
"Twilight! Th-th-theres a monster in the kitchen!"
Twilight, her horn glowing and her wings extended, slowly pushed open the door to the kitchen, to see a large bipedal creature preparing tea.
"Wat?"
I had, originally, planned to kill the inhabitants of the house and take my stuff back, but i noticed it was 5 pm. teatime. So i set about pulling out the china, brewing the tea, and finding suitable edibles for the occasion. I was just preparing the tea, when a purple pegacorn, or whatever it is they are called, opened the door with a scared lizard...thing cowering behind her. I shrugged; teatime is not the time for such things. I, for reasons i couldn't even guess at, decided to set the tea for three, instead of one, as i had originally intended. I sat down, as the teas boiled and said,
"Care to join me?"
The pegacorn looked at me as if i had just suggested sex. I nodded over to the other two seats and, slightly apprehensively, they sat down. The lizard obviously didn't know what to do, while the pegacorn seemed to have a bit of knowledge of the meal. I poured the tea, and said,
"We have much to discuss.”