Twilight and the Shameless Story Designed to Generate Pageviews...and Downvotes.
View Online
Twilight Queefs on a Peanut Butter Jelly Sandwich
Twilight and the Shameless Story Designed to Generate Pageviews...and Downvotes.
Twilight was sitting around in her crystal library, you know, like she always does, reading books, because that is her sole joy in life, when in bounced Pinkie Pie, who is way more entertaining and should really be the star of the show anyway.
"Hey!"
Quiet you, Pinkie Pie's here.
"Heya Twilight! Bouncy, bouncy bounce! It's me! The source of all joy in existence! I love life! How does it feel to not be any of those things?"
"It's alright Pinkie, I suppose. I mean at least I'm not Spike."
"Good point." The spectacularly awesome pink pony looks up at the ceiling for no reason. "So...whatchya doing?"
"Well...I just woke up, so I don't know yet...Oh no."
"What is it?"
Twilight sighs the kind of sigh that a terminally depressed stock broker would sigh after losing all her money investing in a company that sells poop. She rolls her eyes impatiently, waiting to speak. The narrator, however keeps talking, because people can only last so long hearing Twilight talk before they start taking cyanide pills.
"I just...read the title of the story."
"Oh, that. What's so wrong with that?" The spectacular pony looks at the title and shrugs.
"Pinkie, do you know what queefing is?"
Pinkie lets out a long, squeaky laugh. "Do I know what queefing is? Twilight, I hold the world record for best queefs three years running! She hits a secret switch in Twilight's bookshelf that turns around a super secret hidden shelf with three trophies from 2012, 2013, and 2014, all of which have a brass sculpture at top of a pony with her leg straight in the air grunting and concentrating.
"Why is that here?"
"Well you see-"
"You know what? I don't want to know. Pinkie, why don't you do it?"
"Sorry Twi Twi, no can do. I'm afraid the title says that you have to do the queefing. The story's not about me. I'm just here to make sure the audience doesn't get bored."
Twilight looks at Pinkie like a doofus. "Did you just call me Twi Twi?"
"Yes." She pauses an amount of time just perfect to create a comic effect. "Why?"
Twilight rolls her eyes again like a lame pony. "Nevermind," she says.
"...So...you gonna do it?"
"No!"
"You gotta."
"Why?"
"Or else the narrator won't let you finish the story."
"What?"
Twilight stood in awe as the fact slowly dawned on her, on what she would now have to do. He eyes widened in horror.
"Seriously. You're not going to make me, are you?"
Yep.
"Please don't."
Sorry. No stopping it now. It's already in the title.
"Urgh!"
Whoa whoa whoa, don't start yet. You haven't got the sandwich.
"I wasn't trying to. I was just expressing my exasperation!"
Oh. Okay then.
Twilight stands and shifts in position, still being stubborn and not realizing the only way to get her to finish the story is for her to do it.
"Why would I ever want to do this?"
For science of course.
"Science?"
Yeah. You are curious. You want to know if queefing on a sandwich causes it to decay quicker.
"Hmm. Now that you mention it, that is kind of interesting, and it's not like I have a choice."
That's the spirit! Now get to queefing.
"You can do it, Twilight!" Pinkie Pie says. "I believe in you."
"Thanks."
First she gets the sandwiches. She starts with the bread. Then she adds peanut butter. Then she adds jelly. Then she gets the other sandwich. She adds peanut butter to that sandwich as well. Then she adds jelly to the second sandwich. She now has two sandwiches, which she will soon be queefing on.
"You could have worded that a lot simpler," Twilight complains. I am fully aware of this, but Twilight will just have to endure it. Twilight has yet to queef on them.
"Hold on," She says. "I need to set up a stable environment. I need to make sure that both of the sandwiches are isolated once I do the queefing, or the experiment won't work."
Twilight does boring science stuff while Pinkie Pie keeps us happy with a little pink somersault. Adorable. Twilight completes her apparatus remarkably quickly, partially because she is talented but also partially because nopony wants to hear how in painful detail twilight put the apparatus together. She prepares herself and lifts her leg next to the experiment peanut butter and jelly sandwhich. Her eyebrows furrow and then...
"Surprise!" Pinkie Pie and the rest of the mane six pop out of their hiding spots. "Happy queef experiment party!" She says.
"Ahhhhh. What?" Twilight says thickly.
"Well," AJ says. "Pinkie told us you were going to do some queefing as part of an experiment and she thought it would be the perfect occasion for a party."
Fluttershy smiles her soft smile. "We're waiting Twilight, go on."
"Uh...I uh..."
"What's the matter dear?" Rarity says. "Not a fan of queefing much? You shouldn't be afraid of it. In fact, as a lady, I queef two to three times an hour on the hour. In fact, I'm doing it right now!"
Twilight grimaces, then tries to put the sandwich under Rarity's underside.
"Too late, dear. I'm already finished."
"Suck it up, Twiddletits. For me, if I need to queef. I queef. We've all got your back. You just got to do it, you know what I'm saying?"
"Okay okay!" Twilight says. She approaches the experimental sandwhich, lifts up her leg slowly, grunts, and then:
"I'm Batman."
"What was that?" AJ says.
"Twilight," Pinkie says. "Did your queef just say 'I'm Batman?'"
Twilight blushes every shade of red imaginable. "Um, yes?"
"Hunh." Pinkie says. "Weird."
Author's Note
So this is one of those stories you write when you say, aw shucks to hell with everything! I'm not responsible for what that narrator thinks now, don't go confusing me with him now or anything. Just saying. Also, queef is such a weird word. Who heard that sound and was like, "Let's call that a queef." Was there like a delegation somewhere? Just some legal group of people who decided to make that a thing? I dunno. Oh well.
