-Valentino Brugato-

The following is a detailed account of various events during my recovery after being found in the land of Equestria. Unlike previously I do not believe it is necessary to have a written record of these events. However, I find that writing these reports is a good way to help organize my thoughts. Given the strange nature of my circumstances I'll need all the help I can get.

Personal note aside, these events take place shortly after my being released from my restraints and receiving some degree of medical treatment.

--

"What do you mean I'm in last place?" Rainbow Dash yelled.

She was hovering in the air just over my chest. Her muzzle was inches from my face and she glaring intensely into my eyes.

I, on the other hand, was laying back on several soft cushions that had been laid out on the floor. I had several stacked up under my back so I wasn't completely horizontal and could interact with the ponies a bit.

I stared back into Rainbow Dash's big rose colored eyes with an unimpressed look. A small part of me just wanted to chuckle and ruffle up that adorable multicolored mane of hers. A larger part of me, spurred on by my pounding head, had other plans.

"Okay, let's go over the rankings," I said in a flat tone.

I lifted my right hand, where my bloody knuckles had already been treated, and pointed at Fluttershy who was to my left. She was working on treating my other hand. "Fluttershy is my number one favorite because she was eager to help me when I needed it the most." Fluttershy flushed a little at that, but kept cleaning my cut up knuckles with a moist cloth.

Rainbow Dash didn't look surprised or concerned about that. It was fairly obvious why I would be favoring Fluttershy at that moment.

Without breaking eye contact with Rainbow Dash I pointed at Applejack, who was carrying some fresh white cloth rags over to Fluttershy. "Applejack is my second favorite because she was at least trying to get Princess Twilight Sparkle here to see that maybe tying me up and examining me, or interrogating me, or whatever, maybe wasn't the nicest thing." Applejack got a little look of embarrassment as well.

Rainbow Dash backed up a little bit and she lost some of the intensity to her glare.

There was also a little motion to my right. I pointed my thumb back in that direction, towards Twilight Sparkle. "Speaking of, the Princess here is only in third because despite restraining me like a dangerous animal she is helping treat my injuries," I said, keeping my eyes locked on Rainbow Dash. Twilight mumbled something I couldn't hear.

I made no effort to keep any sort of expression on my face, but I've been told that by default I usually look mildly annoyed. The "Favorite Ranking" was something I just made up on the spot after being pressed as to why I said Fluttershy was my new favorite. My tone and voice was usually pretty flat and other humans had a hard time telling if I was joking or teasing. There was no telling if these ponies would be able to pick up on it.

I pointed my index finger right at Rainbow Dash's nose. She looked down at my finger little cross-eyed, it was very cute. "But what puts you at dead last is that you gave me the most recent in a long string of concussions," I finished, letting my arm drop back to my side.

"T-that wasn't me!" Rainbow Dash yelled, backing away further. The anger immediately drained out of her face and was replaced by a look of desperation. To her credit it was really dark during the incident and with how my head was spinning I could have imagined the blue blur in the corner of my eye. Unfortunately for her I was already awake when she confessed earlier, but I didn't even need to bring it up.

"Uh, yeah it was," blurted out Applejack. Rainbow shot her an angry look but Applejack kept going anyways. "You jumped at him quicker than anythin' once Pinkie and Rarity started hollerin'."

It was pretty funny to watch Rainbow Dash start to cycle back and forth between shame and anger. She tried to shoot back with the best excuse she could muster, "Well I wouldn't have done that if you weren't being scary and hiding out in a creepy coffin!"

"Making excuses is not helping your ranking any," I said flatly.

"Aagh! Whatever!" she yelled before shooting off out the door and slamming it behind her. Applejack was just giggling.

"You shouldn't tease her like that," said Fluttershy, a small smile on her face. I was again shocked by how perceptive she was.

"If she keeps making it that easy I won't be able to help myself," I said back to Fluttershy. Applejack laughed a little harder at that.

With my knuckles wrapped up Fluttershy finished the overall treatment. Every cut and gash was cleaned and dressed. My head was a particular mess of hair and gauze. My chest was still mostly exposed, a few of my ribs were cracked buy not shattered so they would heal fine on their own. Fluttershy knew better than to wrap up my ribs which would have just put unnecessary pressure on them and make it difficult to breath or potentially even damage my lungs. The splint on my leg was also properly affixed, if not a bit bulky, overall they did a pretty good job.

Twilight Sparkle mostly did glowy horn things that made the back of my neck tingle. I did notice an immense relief in pain that I knew couldn't just be attributed to a splint and some bandages. I pushed my curiosity aside in favor of overall laziness. With how depressed Twilight Sparkle looked it seemed like any conversation with her would be a chore. I eagerly shelved that option and opted for introductions with the other ponies instead. Getting the, 'Hello, I'm what's called a human and you are?' bit out of the way. Which then lead to the hilarious favorites conversation.

When Applejack stopped laughing she trotted over to me with a smile on her face. "Well, I've still got an early mornin' ahead of me. It was mighty nice to meetcha Valentino, even if it was a little... eh... weird at first," she said, giving me a tip of her hat. Did I mention her cowboy hat? It was one of the most adorable things I've ever seen.

I grimaced internally when she said my first name. "Don't worry about it, it was nice to meet you too," I said with a nod. "But call me Brugato," I quickly added.

"But Valentino is such a lovely name," Fluttershy said while hauling over a big, purple blanket.

"When most folks call you 'Detective Brugato' for a few years hearing your first name all of a sudden is a little weird. Besides Brugato is easier to say." Both Applejack and Fluttershy just shook their heads.

"Either way, I gotta get goin'! See ya later Valentino! Fluttershy! Twilight!" Applejack said back to us as she walked out the door.

I just let out a defeated sigh.

Fluttershy brought over a large purple blanket that she spread out over me. At last I had reclaimed my modesty! I don't think the ponies gave my nudity a second thought. It's obvious why, given their own. Though Applejack did give it a second thought, and a third thought as I noticed her glancing multiple times at my shame.

Fluttershy even started tucking me into the little bed made of pillows and cushions. She really was sweet. Once she finished she started looking at me with a nervous expression and hid her face slightly behind her long pink mane.

"Um... I also need to go home... and you need to get some rest..." Fluttershy whispered. I wasn't sure why she was suddenly so hesitant. Did she not want to leave? No... perhaps she thought that I wouldn't want her to leave. That I'd become fearful again without a source of comfort. Sure I would have preferred her to stay, she was nice after all, but if she had to go then she had to go. "I-I'll be back as soon as I can tomorrow! So..." she gave me a reassuring smile, trying her best to put me at ease.

Without really thinking I lifted up my arm and placed my hand on the top of her head. Fluttershy went quiet and just looked at me, a little surprise on her face. I just kept my hand there for a moment, her mane was incredibly soft. I started to lightly scratch the top of her head and around her ears. She pushed her head lightly into my hand and I could see her ears twitch.

My expression went as soft as I could let it. I didn't think it was the best way to show my gratitude to Fluttershy but my mind always defaulted on physical contact as the way to express myself.

I only kept at it for a few moments before dropping my hand back to me side. I looked Fluttershy in the eye for a moment before saying, "Thank you." As perceptive as she was I think my gratitude managed to touch her. Fluttershy smiled bashfully and nodded back at me before picking up her things and heading for the door.

"Good night." She softly called back before she left. She shut the door silently behind her.

--

It was quiet for a while after Fluttershy left. I laid back into the cushions and stared at a spot on the wall. The fire in the fireplace made little sounds that made the atmosphere feel cozy. Or it would have if Twilight Sparkle still wasn't rooted to the floor right next to me. Her sad eyes were staring straight down, her ears were splayed back and she drew little circles on the floor with her hoof. She would occasionally mumble something I couldn't make out and when I looked over she would still be looking at the floor.

I let out a long sigh before looking over at Twilight. "What's wrong?" I asked flatly.

Her whole body snapped up and she stared at me with wide eyes. "W-what?" she stuttered.

"You've been moping for a while now. What's wrong?" I asked a little more firmly.

Twilight's body slumped down again and her ears fell back down against her head. She mumbled again, a little louder than before but I still couldn't hear her.

"What?" I asked rather impatiently.

"I–" she looked up at me again this time with tears starting to form in her eyes. "I'm sorry!" she almost yelled while taking a few steps closer to me.

"I didn't know you were hurt so badly! I hadn't had the chance to really examine you yet! I wouldn't have left you like that..." As quickly as Twilight's intensity picked up it fell away and she looked simply depressed again. But she still had more to say and she managed to keep an audible volume, "You see... it's just that... we had just left the Everfree Forest." I gave her a confused grunt and she quickly added "It is a very dangerous and scary place!" I nodded and let her continue. "All of us had just gotten out of the forest. It had gotten so dark out and before we could even take a single step we heard this horrible... muffled... screaming. We could feel something pounding wildly just under our hooves." Her eyes feel back to the floor, "Frankly, it was... terrifying." And again her eyes snapped back up to mine "But we couldn't just ignore it!"

As... intensely as Twilight was acting, I could tell that she was sincerely just trying to apologize and explain herself to me. Along with Rainbow she had gotten her fair share of teasing while I was being treated. I started to feel a little bad for it seeing she looked like she could break down crying at any moment. I also felt a little foolish for not taking the time to consider their perspective. I blamed one of my many head injuries.

"We managed to dig up your... box," Twilight continued. "There wasn't any screaming any more but there was still that pounding. It seemed like something out of a horror story. We all expected the worst when we got the lid off. Everypony just stood back and waited, none of us wanted to look inside. Then there was a strange glow coming out of the hole and when it disappeared... You stood up." Twilight seemed a little creeped out just remembering what happened, which then gave way to a look of shame on her face. "You seemed so tall and thin in the dark and then there was your awful, raspy voice. What if... I thought you might be some kind of monster!" Her shame seemed to deepen.

"Applejack wasn't so sure once we brought you back here and Fluttershy could tell the second she got a good look at you. But I still had doubts... if you were and I didn't do anything. You aren't though... But you were–" Suddenly the tears started falling down Twilight's face, "–buried alive! And somepony did all of this to you and then–"

I pressed my right index finger lightly against Twilight's nose and she went silent. Her eyes flickered up to mine with the tears still streaming out of them. I was giving her a stern look. "Don't start getting worked up over that. That has nothing to do with you." Twilight just gave me a sad look.

Honestly I could feel my heart sink once I saw those tears in Twilight's eyes. Sure she was upset with how she handled me when I got here, but it wasn't so far beyond reasonable given how it all played out on her side. But what I found overwhelming was her sympathy, that she was brought down like this just because of what happened to me.

I let my expression soften as much as I could. "As for that other stuff," I took my finger away from her nose before continuing "I forgive you."

Twilight perked up and stepped even closer to me "R-really!?" she asked while blinking her tears away.

"I can't really blame you for doing what you did. I know some who would have reacted worse." I let out a sigh and ran my hand over the bandages on my head. "This whole thing is just one big mess," I let my hand fall back down to my side. "So of course I forgive you. Besides, all of you did actually save my life."

Twilight let out a little breath of relief and sniffled cutely. After a few moments she sat down right beside me and we both spent a little while staring silently into the fireplace. We soaked in the warm and friendly atmosphore.

"Where are you from?" Twilight suddenly asked, not taking her gaze away from the fire.

I glanced over at her, a little surprised by the question. I took a few minutes to try and think of a good answer.

"A pretty big city actually, close to a really big river. It's usually pretty gloomy there, lot's of rain–" I was cut off by something soft against my arm. When I looked over Twilight was leaning against me while she still stared into the fire. I couldn't help a small smile.

"Not a lot of great places to eat either," I continued. "Really as far as cities go it was pretty bland. No ponies either. But then there aren't ponies like you or your friends anywhere at all where I come from," I said with a small laugh. The warm atmosphere had started to affect me.

Twilight was starting to cheer up as well. When I looked over again she was staring up at me with a little smile on her face. I kept telling her vague things about where I came from. She eventually started to ask questions about where I came from and I would answer without going into too much detail.

I don't remember when, but I ended up falling asleep sometime while talking to Twilight.

--

When I woke up the next day I was in agony. My whole body was stiff, my head was pounding, my chest and leg were aching and my hands were on fire. All I could do was let out a long groan.

"Twilight! He's awake!" I heard someone shout. When I looked to see who it was I saw a... purple and green... lizard.

I had almost forgotten that my life had been cast into a sea of mysteries.

The lizard ran over from the set of stairs he was yelling up. He stopped when he got right next to me, looking at me with bright green eyes and a smile on his face. "Hi!" he said cheerfully, "I'm Spike."

I lifted up one aching arm and waved at... Spike. "Yo." I managed to croak out. His smile got a little larger.

Twilight finally came down the stairs with a stack of paper... levitating... next to her. When she got closer I felt that familiar tingle on the back of my neck. "Great! I was waiting for you to get up!" she said happily, the stack of paper had set itself down next down next to Spike. Or rather Twilight had set down next to Spike, I theorized when I noticed her horn giving off a glow.

Twilight opened her mouth to continue speaking when she was cut off by a series of erratic knocks on the front door. She furrowed her brow before trotting over to the front door. When she opened it I heard yet another unfamiliar voice.

"Hi Twilight! I came to see the scary thing!" said the strange voice. I groaned loudly when I heard that. A bright pink pony with a poofy pink mane made her way past Twilight. "Oooh! Is that it?" she said, pushing past Twilight while pointing a hoof at me.

Twilight turned around with an exceptionally annoyed look on her face. "Pinkie, he's not a–"

"–I'm a scary thing." I rasped as loudly as I could manage, finding the strength to mess around in spite of myself.

Twilight looked even more annoyed, Spike laughed, the Pink Pony giggled a little and quickly skipped over to me.

Twilight just sighed and closed the front door while the Pink Pony studied me intensely with her ice blue eyes. I tried to put on anything other than a pained expression and failed.

Eventually the Pink Pony stated "You're not as scary looking as I remember." I just put my hands out and weakly shrugged my shoulders. Without a moments hesitation the Pink Pony leaned forward and dragged her tongue along my palm. She contemplated the taste for a moment while smacking her lips ,"You don't taste scary either!" she exclaimed.

I just stared dumbfounded at my palm for a few seconds before wiping it off on my blanket.

"Pinkie, he's not a scary anything. He's what's called a Human." Twilight explained proudly.

'Pinkie' gave Twilight a dubious look and asked "Human? What's that?"

Twilight got a really big smile on her face "We were just about to find out," she said walking around to my right.

Twilight's vague allusions and the new Pink Pony were becoming more than I could bear with the pounding in my head growing more severe. I put up my hands and coughed out, "Stop!" I tried to take a couple of deep breaths but I started to feel dizzy. Both ponies and Spike were looking at me with concern. "This is, there's too much–" My hands went up to the side of my head and I rubbed gently at my bandaged temples. "I can't think... my head..." I groaned.

Twilight managed to catch on and she stepped forward. "I'm so sorry! Here let me just..." she leaned forward so her head was just over my chest. Her horn lit up and I felt that tingle which turned into a shiver that ran through my whole body. When the shiver passed it took some of the pain with it. "There!" Twilight said, the glow leaving her horn. "How does that feel?"

I took a few more deep breaths until I felt the dizziness pass. My pain had lessened significantly. "Much better," I said. My whole body still felt stiff but the aches had dulled down to an annoyance rather than a hindrance. Twilight smiled.

"Wow, you really aren't doing so good huh?" The Pink Pony asked, looking concerned. Quicker than I could respond something clicked in her head and she began hopping in place. "Ooh! I know! I'll throw you a 'Get Well Soon' party!" she said enthusiastically with a big smile on her face and excitement in her eyes.

Twilight had that annoyed look on her face again "Pinkie–"

"–Will there be food?" I asked, cutting Twilight off quicker this time.

The Pink Pony nodded frantically "Of course! There will be all kinds of snacks, sweets and drinks!" she said.

I nodded my head and gave the Pink Pony a very serious expression. "Sounds great," I said firmly.

The Pink Pony let out an excited squeal before rocketing out the door. I turned to Twilight who was glaring at me, clearly not impressed with how I handled the situation.

"So who was that anyways?" I asked. Spike started laughing and Twilight just let out a short sigh.

"That was Pinkie Pie," she said, still glaring at me. "And you are really in no condition for any parties!" she snapped.

I could only shrug, "I wanted the free food." Twilight just let out an exasperated groan.

"I'll deal with Pinkie Pie later. Right now though," A big grin crept onto Twilight's face as her horn started to glow. A little black bottle and what I assumed was a quill pen floated over to Spike. "We're going to have a little study session!" Twilight said happily while getting settled on the floor next to me. I cocked an eyebrow. "I'm going to teach you everything I can about Ponies," she started.

"Oh great." I said with little enthusiasm.

"And then you are going to teach me everything you can about Humans!" She finished quite excitedly.

"Oh great." I said with even less enthusiasm. Twilight ignored me.

I'll spare this report the bulk of Twilight's lecture. Partially because I don't remember most of it and also because I don't care to write most of what I do remember down. I mostly took note of types of ponies, some pony history, important pony figures, politics, geography and magic. Which explained a lot of the strange phenomena I had noticed previously, or at least made it easier to ignore.

I'll spare this report my lecture as well. One: Because I don't need a record on humans and Two: Because Twilight already had Spike take extensive notes. Spike, by the way, who I learned was a dragon because of course he is. I didn't cover nearly as much ground as Twilight, speaking to what I thought was relevant despite Twilight's inquiries.

I focused mainly on basic human biology, things concerning overall health and diet. I also mentioned that humans don't have any relationship with magic. She seemed unconvinced, stating that most living things had some relationship with magic even if it wasn't direct manipulation like a unicorn. But after checking me over she was surprised to find out that besides the spells she had cast there was nothing magical about me.

So that she wouldn't be completely unsatisfied I gave Twilight a few trivial things like some scientific classifications and population numbers.

When I got sick of talking about it I feigned fatigue and Twilight reluctantly left me to rest. I think Spike was thankful for my brevity.

Twilight went upstairs to review her notes and Spike ended up making me soup. It was a pretty fresh tasting tomato soup. Fresh, but plain. I didn't say anything though, I just thanked Spike and downed the soup.

Spike mentioned something about having plans and left right after. I just did what I do best and took a nap.

--

I ended up sleeping well into the afternoon. I was awoken by something softly nudging the side of my head. My body went stiff and my eyes shot open. When I saw a familiar yellow and pink I immediately relaxed.

"Sorry!" Fluttershy squeaked and took a few steps back.

I let out a long sigh. "It's fine," I mumbled dejectedly, "I guess I'm a little on edge." I should have been pretty proud of myself for keeping my cool for so long around the ponies. I had done a pretty good job rationalizing much of my tension away so far but it wasn't something that was just going to go away after a nap.

Fluttershy stepped back over to me and pressed her hoof comfortingly against my arm. "You're doing very well," she said with a kind smile. I was starting to think the pony was too sweet for her own good.

Fluttershy started the process of changing my bandages and by the time she finished removing the dirty bandages Twilight was bounding down the stairs. "Everything is ready!" she said with an excited look on her face.

"What's ready?" I asked giving her a confused look.

"We just thought that is was time that somepony had a bath," Fluttershy said, I turned to give her a more exaggerated confused look. I held her gaze for a second before pointing back at Twilight.

"Or rather some human." Twilight said with mock irritation. I felt that all too familiar tingle and then I was up in the air. The magic cradled me just like the cushions had so it was a smooth transition. My blanket did fall away though, so I was just naked up in the air.

"Oh no, my dignity." I said sarcastically.

Twilight managed to carefully carry me up the stairs and into the the bathroom. It looked... surprisingly like a bathroom. I'm not really sure what I was expecting. Everything was a little closer to the floor like you would expect and the toilet was oriented more towards something on four legs. Really though, sink, bathtub and shower combo, toilet. For some reason I was expecting something alien.

There was also a small stool and a basin full of soapy water that smelled faintly of citrus. Twilight set me down on the stool and was extra careful with setting my leg down, which was still wrapped up with the splint.

"So how long before I have to carry myself up the stairs?" I asked the ponies.

"Oh, you should be on your feet in about a week," said Fluttershy, happily following us into the bathroom.

"A week!?" I just about jumped off the stool. "I'll be lucky if it takes four mmmm–" my tone dropped when I saw the smile spread across Twilight's muzzle "–magic."

Twilight giggled and I just hung my head. I was starting to become frustrated with how often magic was overturning my expectations. I looked down at my knuckles for the first time since the bandages went on and saw raw pink skin where the cuts and scrapes were. I ran my fingers over my knuckles, the skin was little tender but that was it. I told myself that I should have been happy or even grateful. Instead I just found it disconcerting. The bathroom may have been a bathroom but this place was still very alien.

"Now make sure you're extra careful around his injuries. Just be gentle and scrub in circles," I heard Fluttershy say, I finally lifted my head up and saw both mare's had sponges.

Now many people might have objected to a sponge bath, citing embarrassment or a desire not to appear vulnerable. 'I can clean myself!' they would argue, trying to hide their shame. These people haven't had a good sponge bath before. It's completely relaxing and incredibly soothing especially when you're injured. As long as the person, or ponies in this case, weren't 'scrape off all the dead skin' kind of enthusiastic about your cleaning. With Fluttershy on the job I was pretty sure I was in for an enjoyable experience.

When both ponies started making their way over me I sat up as straight as I could manage and closed my eyes. They both got started without a word.

There was a slight difference in the cleaning styles between the two mares. Fluttershy was gentle, thorough and consistent. She made her way from my head, down to my shoulder blades and over the top of left arm, down my palm, then heading back along under my arm to my underarm, down my side and across my back. She was attentive, meticulous and yet, fluid.

Twilight on the other hand, was also gentle and meticulous, yet not nearly as fluid as Fluttershy and attentive in a much different way. I quickly found out that Twilight was using this bath as an excuse to get an up close examination of the human body. I was surprised Spike wasn't here taking notes. She was manipulating her sponge with magic or so I guessed due to the tingling in my neck. I confirmed this when I felt the sponge stop moving on my shoulder, I opened one eye to see her looking intently at my arm. She lifted up a hoof and dragged it slowly across my arm.

"Smooth..." I heard Twilight mutter.

I just closed my eye again and she got back to it. I would occasionally feel her poke and run her hoof over various places. She also spent a little time manipulating my hand and joints. I largely ignored her errant touching as she didn't poke at any of my sensitive injuries. But that didn't stop her hoof from finding another sensitive place to touch.

My eyes shot open when I felt something that was not a sponge touch my manhood. I saw Twilight staring at it, no more interested in it than she was my arm. She lifted up my flaccid member with her hoof and she bent down a little to examine the underside as well as my balls before I loudly cleared my throat. She looked up at me and I gave her a look that said 'Just what do you think you're doing?'. She looked between my face and my genitals dumbly a few times before realization hit her and I swear I saw the pony blush. She discontinued her examination and went back to cleaning. I kept my laughter to myself.

As relaxing as the overall experience was I did end up looking at the bathtub curiously. I probably could have managed with my leg over the side. My ribs would have made it difficult to bend and reach but...

Really I was just curious as to whose idea it was. I could easily see both of them coming up with it. Twilight as an excuse to satisfy her curiosity and Fluttershy just because she was a big sweetie. I guessed it was some combination of the two.

The both got a couple of light brown towels and dried me off which agitated my ribs a little but I held back the wince. But by the time I was dry I noticed how refreshed I felt. It had been a few days under less than ideal circumstances but my mind had a lot of things to preoccupy it other than how gross I was.

"Thanks," I said simply to both ponies.

"You are very welcome," Fluttershy responded happily as I was once again lifted into the air.

When we got back downstairs I was assaulted by confetti.

--

"Surprise!" yelled a sudden flash of pink.

Streamers, balloons, a big banner that said, 'Get Well Soon!' and a long table loaded with food. My bed of pillows and cushions even had colored streamers running off of it.

"That was fast," I said with a look of mild surprise on my face. I hadn't been expecting this party so soon, especially since Twilight said she was going to 'take care of it'.

"Well duh, it wouldn't be a get well soon party if you got well before we had the party! You've got to have a get well soon party as soon as possible so you can get well as soon as possible!" Pinkie Pie happily bounced around me as she spoke. An exasperated Twilight just floated me back over to the bed while a mildly concerned Fluttershy followed me.

"And look! Everypony who knows you is here! And there's the food!" Pinkie waved a hoof at the other ponies then pointed it at the snack table. "I'll get you some!" she said before shooting off towards the table. Twilight set me down and quickly went after her. After recovering my blanket and my modesty, I looked at the other ponies in the room, Applejack was there and she was talking to a white and purple pony I hadn't seen before. Then there was an awkward looking Rainbow Dash who made her way over to me.

"Hey um," she started, fidgeting a bit "I wanted to say sorry... for last night..."

"Huh?" I asked, momentarily distracted by Fluttershy who had just started applying fresh bandages to the wounds that hadn't quite closed up yet. "Oh, right, yeah don't worry about it." I said, waving a hand dismissively.

"H-huh?" Rainbow asked, a bit of shock in her voice.

I turned my head to look Rainbow in the eye. "Yeah I was just messing with you last night. I'm not mad," I was about to leave it at that but then an idea sparked into my head. I kept my tone even and my expression serious, "Besides, I know you just jumped me because you were scared."

"Scared!?" Rainbow had a bit of anger with the shock in her voice that time.

I just shrugged my shoulders. "No, I understand, after all I was being scary and hiding out in a creepy coffin. I can't blame you for being terrified," I said, throwing her own words back at her.

Like a repeat performance Rainbow Dash was angry and got in my face again. "I was not–" to my surprise she had cut herself off and looked me in the eyes with a curious expression. "...You're messing with me again aren't you?" she finally asked.

Rank up, I thought.

I just let a small smile show and Rainbow Dash gave me a big grin in return. As well as a playful slug to my left arm. So playful that when her hoof struck me I felt it in my cracked ribs. I couldn't help but wince though I kept my smile.

I reached up and roughly messed up her mane. She made no effort to escape. "You're pretty quick on the uptake," I said before letting up.

Rainbow Dash giggled and flew up higher into the air "The quickest!" she exclaimed proudly, not making any attempt to fix her multicolored mane.

Fluttershy had finished tugging on the last of my bandages, quite a few less than before, only some around my head my right arm. She was just looking at me and Rainbow with a smile on her face.

When I took my eyes off of her I found myself rapidly becoming surrounded. Applejack and the White Pony were making their way over on my left and just ahead of them was Pinkie Pie and Twilight on my right. I was starting to feel very out of place. The smiles on all their faces helped a little, but...

I was taken out of my thoughts at feeling something placed on my lap. I looked down and saw a single cupcake on a small plate sitting on my lap. I looked to my right and saw Pinkie staring at me expectantly. Thankful for the distraction I gently picked up the cupcake with my hand and inspected it thoroughly.

I looked like a vanilla cupcake. It was frosted with blue Icing that had an appealing color and shape. It was decorated with orange sprinkles. "Nice use of complementary colors..." I muttered as I examined the sweet.

I had a habit of being a bit critical of food, but more than that I was very critical of sweets. To the point where I rarely kept my opinion to myself.

After examining the cupcake long enough to look pretty odd, I took a bite. The texture was pleasant and overall the confection was sweeter than I thought it would be. I liked the extra sweetness however and quickly finished off the cupcake with two more big bites.

"Well? How is it!?" asked Pinkie Pie while I was savoring the lingering taste. She looked like she was about to buckle under the anticipation.

"Hmmm, you know I'm not sure," I said with a little sigh. I picked up the empty plate and held it out to Pinkie, "I think I'll need to try a few more first." I gave her a playful smile and she seemed overjoyed. She snatched up the plate and darted back over to the snack table.

"I'm so glad to see you feeling better dear," said a new voice to my right.

Looking over I found myself face to face with the White Pony. As soon as my head turned, her azure eyes locked onto mine. She was giving me an amused expression as I drank in her appearance. Her deep purple mane was expertly styled, especially compared to the other ponies in the room, along with her tail. I took note of her white horn as well She was... carrying, a pair of light pink saddlebags with a diamond design on them. I hadn't thought about what she could have been carrying, I only thought it looked pretty cute.

"Is that so?" I asked, eyeing the White Pony suspiciously, "Even though, from what I hear, I gave you all quite a fright last night."

The White Pony quickly rolled her eyes and scoffed, "Oh please, the only frightening thing about you was the state of your attire." Her expression quickly softened and she turned her head back towards the bag on her right. I felt that tingle again, though with less intensity, as the White Pony's horned glowed a light blue and she used her magic to open up the bag and pull out a few familiar items. "I had wanted to get these back to you earlier, the repairs were simple but the... stains were harder to get out than I thought," she said, grimacing a bit.

A neatly folded pile of clothes was floated to my lap with a pile of miscellaneous objects on top. All of my things that I hadn't even remembered to ask for. I would have assumed Twilight stashed it all somewhere. I could only imagine how poor the condition of my clothes was, not that it was a pressing thought on my mind until that point. But there they were, looking better than the day I bought them.

I felt the fabric of my trench coat for a few moments before looking back at the White Pony. "Thanks... uh..." I stumbled.

"Rarity," she said with a smile.

"Right, thanks a lot Rarity. I'm–"

"–Detective Valentino Brugato. I hope you don't mind, I did take a peek at your... identification," Rarity pointed a hoof towards my lap.

I picked up the black nylon case that was folded in half. On one half it displayed my badge and the other half flipped up to display my identification.

"It has such a lovely design, I couldn't help but take a closer look." Rarity sighed, eyeing the badge. The badge had a golden base with some silver accents and a blue lettering. It had a basic oval shape with an eagle at the top of the badge. Under the eagle text read on a golden banner 'DETECTIVE'. In the center was a perfect circle containing the silver image of a fort on water. Under that was more text on banners that read 'HOLDRIDGE' and 'POLICE'. Silver rays of light were engraved emanating from the center of the badge.

I just shrugged "It's fine, it's meant to be seen." Just as I moved to put it down my badge a purple glow snatched it from my hand and it floated over to Twilight. She studied it intently with a smile on her face.

I set aside my empty black hip holster, my gun and the extra magazines were taken from me long before I was put in that coffin. Another empty nylon case once held my handcuffs, which were put to effective use by those thugs that buried me. They also made use of the pepper spray and my flashlight. Everything I wore on my belt towards the front they snatched up and found a way to harm me with. I calmly set each of the empty cases down on my left but one by one a purple glow snatched them up and carried them back over to my right.

Rainbow Dash had flown down next to Twilight followed by Applejack who circled around me and they both joined her in looking at my badge and identification. Pinkie Pie walked back from the snack table with a plate that was piled high with cupcakes now and she set it down next to me.

I gave Pinkie a little smile smile and picked up another cupcake. I took a large bite and chewed on it while I looked at the rest of my things.

A lighter and a dark green pack of menthol cigarettes. I looked inside the pack and counted seventeen cigarettes. "What's that?" asked Pinkie, staring at the pack.

Damn, I thought. I waited a moment, hoping that one of the other ponies would chime in and say what a cigarette was. When they didn't I sighed and closed the pack. I hid it between my perfectly folded coat and cream colored dress shirt along with my lighter. I'd have to ration out what I had left.

"It's not for ponies." I said firmly, Pinkie seemed to deflate a little and I just devoured the rest of my cupcake. Fluttershy and Rarity were just looking at me curiously.

I picked up another cupcake and tossed it at Pinkie Pie, she hopped up and caught it with with her mouth. She happily munched on it and I considered her effectively distracted. I picked up another cupcake for myself and looked at the last couple of items.

In a black nylon sheath that matched the rest of the gear that normally hung off of my belt, was a knife. It was a fixed, drop-point blade with an edge that became serrated along the heel. It was very functional and even in day to day life saw plenty of use. Not like I had a chance to use it when I was abducted.

Lastly was a eight inch long metal cylinder inside of the final nylon case. A collapsible baton that at full extension was around twenty one inches. I set it aside with the knife without bothering to examine it. It was something I frequently carried but rarely ever used. Just in case would always ring in the back of my head before I would leave the house. I felt a little lucky that I still had it. Of course I'd have felt even luckier if I still had my gun.

I set my clothing aside as well and finished off the third cupcake, I eyed the pile and decided against another.

Pinkie Pie had joined Twilight, Applejack and Rainbow Dash looking through my stuff. Twilight had taken everything and spread it all out before them and Pinkie was taking a turn to eye my badge curiously.

I turned back to Rarity, who had just been waiting patiently while I went through my stuff. "Really though, thanks for taking care of my things," I said.

Rarity just shook her head, her purple curls bouncing along, "It was nothing, after all it appears you've been through quite a lot. It was the least I could do to help."

I let out a dry laugh, "It has been a rough few days."

"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Fluttershy in a quiet voice, surprising me a little. What surprised me even more was how the room had gone silent and six sets of curious eyes were now on me.

"I don't want to sour the mood." I said a bit awkwardly. I did not really like where the conversation was going.

Applejack quickly spoke up, "Well I am mighty curious as to how ya ended up... how ya did." The rest of the ponies nodded along with Applejack.

I had to stop my hand which was already reaching for my cigarettes. All I could do was sigh and look up at the ceiling.

"Well..." I started, resting my hands on my stomach, "let's just say that going up against an established criminal organization poses certain... risks."

The ponies were still staring at at me. Twilight in particular was narrowing her eyes. It became rapidly apparent that I wasn't going to get away with any of my vague bullshit.

I groaned loudly, expressing my discomfort. "Several weeks before my incident we had found several dead bodies in an apartment building's basement storage room," I huffed, beginning my long winded explanation. Already I could see unease spread across each pony's face. Even still, I had their undivided attention.

"A thorough investigation of which led to evidence of several involved parties with connections to a larger criminal organization. Further investigations into these connections ended up revealing an alarming amount of evidence against several people, proof of their involvement in some very high profile criminal acts. I was the detective heading up this case and the night of the incident I was preparing several reports that I would hand off to the feds when they arrived to take over the investigation," I paused for a second to catch my breath, looking around I got a couple of confused looks.

"Feds?" asked Twilight.

"Right, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, they..." I took a moment to think of an easy way to explain it. The last thing I wanted was to spend all night explaining the intricacies of my governments legal system just for the sake of context. Frustration was rapidly starting to show on my face as I was trying to remember anything I could from Twilight's morning lecture so I could apply it to a simple explanation. "Okay, so let's say I work here in Ponyville as a detective. My responsibility would be to investigate most crimes within this town. However, there are certain laws and criminal activities that I would report to the feds. An organization of people, or ponies, or whatever that would handle those kinds of cases all across Equestria. Organized crime being one of those things."

The ponies all seemed to catch on and the confusion started to leave their expressions. Twilight nodded and looked like she wanted to ask another question, I took that as a sign to quickly continue the story.

"Anyways, I ended up staying late into the night with those reports. Then, while walking home, I wound up being surrounded by five men when I was halfway to my apartment," I said, once again gaining the ponies' rapt attention. "Three of them approached me from the front. When I went for my weapon two of them grabbed me from behind. One of the men in front of me got real close and hit me in the stomach and then the other two pushed me down and then I was knocked out for the first time." The unease had settled back into their faces again, in some cases it was even worse.

"I spent the next day in their good company," I said with a heavy sarcasm. "A few of them said they knew me from old encounters. Most of them just resented me for what I had set into motion. For a few hours I got to know the extent of their... resentment." I punched my fist into my palm, making a loud smack. The ponies winced. "And it's thanks to their wonderful treatment that I cannot stand on my own right now," I said motioning sharply towards my leg. Feeling my frustration start to boil I took a deep breath and let it go in another long sigh.

"When they got bored of that they tied me to a chair and stuck me in a closet for the rest of the day. Which wouldn't have been all that bad if I wasn't just a bit... claustrophobic. Something that they, somehow, already knew. Which probably gave them the idea to put me in a coffin and bury me. And they did, that night, after beating on me some more. And as for the rest, well, you all know as much as I do," I ended, crossing my arms over my chest.

My audience was quite glum. They were all looking at the floor, Pinkie's mane and tail were hanging a little limply and Rainbow Dash looked mad. The unease and shock on their faces during my story, I could tell they weren't used to dealing with this kind of thing.

"That's just... awful!" Rainbow Dash suddenly shouted.

"Well they were awful people," I responded through gritted teeth, "That's the occupational hazard. Try to put a stop to people with low to no moral standards and it's very likely they will do bad things to you." I had to take another deep breath when I noticed my frustration rise again.

"But!" I said loudly in order to get everyone's attention. "I'm still alive! I have the lot of you to thank for that. No matter how I got here I'd still be dead in the ground if it wasn't for all of you. So as far as I'm concerned the win goes to me," I said firmly.

That managed to bring a small smile to Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and a big one to Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy and Twilight still seemed a little down.

Beyond sick of the topic and wanting to get rid of the bad mood still lingering in the air I hatched a simple scheme to lighten things up. I reached over to the plate next to me still piled high with cupcakes and started to chuck them at the ponies. The first one aimed right at Rainbow Dash's face.

The ensuing food fight didn't last long since Twilight got pretty anxious about her library books and quickly put a stop to it.

But it did the job of getting rid tension in the air and the rest of the night was fairly mellow.

--

Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Rarity were out the door all at once. They had helped clean up, told me to get well soon and left.

As soon as the door closed I yawned loudly and stretched as much as I could until a sharp pain in my ribs told me to stop. "I guess I'll get some sleep," I said to Twilight.

She seemed to perk up a little at that. "Oh, alright!" she said and before I knew it I was in the air. At least that time I managed to keep a hold of the blanket.

I looked down at my bed of cushions and then over at Twilight who started taking me over to the stairs. "So... bed?" I pointed back at the cushions on the floor and Twilight just happily hummed and carried me up the stairs.

We eventually got up to a room that at first looked like just more library. But there were also two beds set up across from each other and a telescope set up near a window.

"I set up the spare bed for you!" she exclaimed merrily before levitating me over towards the beds. She gently set me down on the wider of the two beds. Lengthwise my feet popped off the end but that really wasn't a big of a deal.

"Thanks," I mumbled, the bed was pretty firm but it was better than the inconsistency of a bunch of cushions on the floor. Twilight just beamed at me before she snuffed out the lights and hopped into her bed. Her bedspread pattern had pale crescent moons and yellow stars. It was pretty cute.

I stared into the darkness for a few seconds before a stray thought crawled it's way into my brain. "Hey Twilight," I called out.

"Yeah?" she responded, I could see her move a little in her bed.

"Did you guys ever get a close look at that coffin?" I asked. She was silent for a few moments before responding.

"..No. We were a little more preoccupied with you." She said finally.

"That's fine, but you should probably check it out. If we're really lucky we might find something there," I said calmly.

"You're right, I'll go first thing in the morning."

Turns out we weren't really lucky.

--

I was jolted awake by the sound of hooves rapidly scrambling up stairs. I looked around and barely caught a purple blur rushing across the room. Twilight quickly jumped onto the bed and was looking very concerned about something.

Before I could even ask she was practically yelling, "It's gone! The c-coffin is gone!"

I was able to process information much quicker than I was the morning before, "Gone how? Taken gone? Did someone move it?"

Twilight frantically shook her head, "No! Nopony moved it! It's gone like it was never there! There was the hole we dug but then just... dirt, untouched, undisturbed dirt!"

I felt my brow knit and I lifted myself up into a sitting position. There was no way I could come up with an explanation for what happened so I jumped on the next best thing, "Do you think it was a magic thing? Did someone magic all that stuff to happen?" I felt like that worlds largest idiot after saying it like that.

Twilight just let out a heavy sigh and collapsed onto the bed. She was on her stomach with her legs tucked in and her head up. "Maybe, but if somepony levitated or even teleported the coffin out of the hole there would be still be some kind of physical evidence. Valentino I'm telling you, there's absolutely no sign of anything ever being in that hole we dug. It's like somepony dug a couple feet down and then stopped."

I thought on it for a few moments before letting my expression relax and falling back onto the bed. "Well that's strange."

"That's–" Twilight started, she looked like she wanted to argue something but stopped. Her ears splayed back and she looked down. "It is strange..." she said, realizing that just between us we weren't going to get any answers. But a look of determination had quickly taken over her face and she started levitating books over to the bed.

--

The following days of my recovery were fairly uneventful. I spent most of the time sleeping, which I enjoyed immensely, and more time talking to Twilight. She had come up with several magical theories as to how my coffin had disappeared but none of those theories really explained why. And nothing really settled what brought me here in the first place. I don't even want to remember the hours long parallel dimensions discussion we had.

What I do want to remember and record is what we both ended up agreeing on.

I wasn't going back.

Whether or not it was a matter of time and space or dimensional whatevers, the sheer number of variables and unknowns in getting me back exactly where I came from was so staggering that any attempt was more likely to get me killed than anything.

I should note that Twilight had slightly more optimism than that.

Other than my discussions with Twilight I saw more of Fluttershy, who came by to check on my health regularly. Pinkie Pie came by a couple of times with more sweets which I was grateful for. I made sure she knew I was grateful. I made sure she knew it was a good thing to bring the Human sweets.

Talking to Pinkie was kind of exhausting though, she had a lot of energy

Rainbow Dash dropped in once, quite literally. That Pegasus could really take a beating. She was pretty energetic, but not in an exhausting Pinkie Pie way. She also had quite a lot of passion for just about everything she talked about. I had some respect for that.

Rainbow Dash was also a lot more receptive to me making fun of her than I originally thought she would be. She even hit me with a few barbs of her own, though for the record my eyebrows are a fairly easy target. Dash will need to step up her game. Regardless we had a good laugh and she went on her way.

I did not see Applejack or Rarity for the remainder of my recovery.

A note on Spike's cooking, it was alright. Simple soups and salads that conformed to my dietary needs within vegetarian restrictions. Nothing too heavy while I was recovering. The food was prepared well and it always tasted very fresh but I found it just a little boring. I refrained from complaining.

I also refrained from smoking the remainder of the week, determined to save them for when I really needed them.

-Addendum-

Over the course of my currently recorded stay in Equestria I have been having a reoccurring dream. I don't generally dream when I sleep so a reoccurring dream is plenty strange in itself.

What I remember of the dream is a large grandfather clock. It ticks loudly and is only a minute away from striking five. I have a growing anxiety the closer it gets to five. I wake up before the clock chimes.

None of this has any special significance to me that I can decipher. However, I still felt compelled to record it.

Author's Note

Wow! You managed to make it this far! Thanks everyone for reading!