Every HiE Clopfic Going Wrong
A Wrong Turn on the Way to Paradise
You looked around your room one final time, inspecting the surfaces of the all too familiar furniture with your tired eyes, ensuring that everything has been set up properly.
The farewell letter—not that anyone would read it before the stench of your rotting corpse alerted the neighbors—lay on the unusually tidy desk. Next to it, neatly positioned on the wooden surface, lay your last will. You made doubly sure to check your debts had been redistributed properly between the loving relatives and close friends.
The room had been tidied sparkling clean—an event worth mentioning in itself! The moment you planned for required preparations, after all. You pulled your freshly cleaned suit from the wardrobe and meticulously put it on, trying to disregard the strong smell of the chemicals they used in the laundry.
You had your worries, of course. Who wouldn't have before such a decision?
What if it doesn't work? What if the Pratchett's novels are all fiction, farted up by a decaying alzheimeric mind of an old prick, and your soul would end up in a collective afterlife of any given religion, instead of the place of your own choosing? What if there was no afterlife in the first place?
Still, it was the risk you were willing to take.
You ran a finger over your silky smooth cheeks. You honestly couldn't remember the last time you saw them from under your bushy beard. Frankly, you couldn't recognize the smart guy looking back at you from the mirror. Was it really you, you wondered.
"All the mares are yours, smooth cheeks!" You struck a pose, inspecting the result. Perhaps you ought to have left a mustache, after all? Fillies dig the manly 'stache, as Spike always said.
Whatever, it was too late to worry about it now.
You sat on the bed, putting a bottle of pills next to a glass of water. You graced the latter with a quick peek. Was it half empty or half full? Philosophical garbage. A half is a half, nothing more or less to it.
You picked the pills from the bottle, placing them in neat rows on the night stand.
Ten...
Twenty...
Thirty...
Forty..
Aw, what the hell. Might as well add the last two for the good measure.
You gave the five uneven rows a last glance and grabbed them all in hand. Well, now or never, you thought, depositing them in your mouth.
The bitterness of the medication filled your mouth as you crunched the pills with your teeth. Getting to Equestria required some sacrifice, right? You emptied the glass in one gulp, a violent shiver shaking your body as the bitter lump traveled down your throat.
You put the glass down and lay on the bed. Let me go to Equestria... Let me go to Equestria... To Equestria... To Equestria... To Equestria... You repeated in your mind as a wave of haziness spread over your body, smiling faces of the familiar ponies dancing before your eyes as you slowly drifted away.
***
"Equestria... Equestria... Equestria..." you repeated subconsciously, but the word gradually became harder to hear over the whoosh of the rushing air. Wait, weren't you lying on your bed?
You opened your eyes, only to shut them as the strong light of the afternoon sun stung them with all its might. You waited a moment for your poor peepers to accommodate and gave it one more try.
You were falling, there was no doubt about that. The ground beneath you was painted with a patch of dark green, and you were getting closer to it with a speed that would make Rainbow Dash blush with envy.
Rainbow Dash! You recalled, as in a single moment your previous life flashed before your eyes. Did it work? Were you in Equestria? You rolled in the air, looking around you. A green meadow dotted with pimples of colorful rooftops extended below you, cut with a crystal blue streamer of a river. On the other side of the stream, darker hues of green consumed the landscape, marking the border of a lush forest. Behind it, the ground rose into the air, reaching to the sky with gray claws of majestic mountains. Your heart skipped a beat as you gulped, searching for the highest mountain top in the range, looking for...
Yes! You would recognize that mosque-like, white-and-gold building anywhere. The capital city of Canterlot glittered in the afternoon sun like a lonely star in the firmament as you blinked away the stinginess behind your eyes. It did work after all.
You didn't have much time to savor the moment, realizing the ground was getting nearer and nearer you. You didn't worry, though. After all, you were already dead, weren't you?
A series of colorful ovals on the ground caught your eye. Each one had a set of concentric circles inside, like a target at a shooting range. Was that a pegasi landing practice site? You didn't remember ever seeing something like that in the show. Whatever that was, though, you were heading straight for the center of one.
You opened your arms, welcoming the light-blue circle of ground below you, closed your eyes, and braced for an impact.
You expected many things, your previous life flashing before your eyes once again, but not that your body would plunge into a huge vat of blue jelly. You held your breath as it intercepted your fall, your body submerging deep in the liquid. After it finally broke your fall, the jelly slowly retracted, vomiting you up on the surface.
You opened your eyes, slowly wiping the jelly from your face. Crap, so much for the suit, you thought as you wiped the strange substance off your clothes. It didn't leave stains as you expected it would, you gladly noted, and by whatever magic it tried to fall back into the vat, trickling down your sleeves like a swarm of blue slugs. You quickly helped it down, fighting the sudden urge to roll in the grass.
"Don't worry," a familiar raspy voice giggled behind you. "Just stay still and let it flow down into the pit."
Like a puppet with its joints rusted, you slowly turned around, taking your time to correct your tie. Your heart beat furiously as you pinched your cheek just to make sure this wasn't all a dream. Fortunately, the pony in front of you seemed as real as your stinging cheek. You would recognize that blue coat and rainbow mane anywhere.
"Rainbow Dash, I presume..." You bowed like a guy from an old black-and-white movie.
"The one and only." She puffed out her chest, her wings beating leisurely to keep her afloat. "What, you've heard of me?"
You offered a grin. "Sure did, but... You don't look too surprised by meeting a creature as strange as me. Have you seen a human before?"
Rainbow's smile faded from her face as she backed a beat of her wings. "Um... Well, y'see... Err..." Her eyes darted left and right as she stumbled over her words. If you didn't know better, you'd think she got nervous.
"Oh, I get it." You snapped your fingers. "Twilight must have told you all about us. The denizens of the world behind the magic mirror might have been slightly more colorful, but other than that they were almost identical to us."
Rainbow plastered a wide smile across her face with a speed only she was capable of. "Yes! That's exactly it." She ran a hoof through her mane. "Heh... Speaking of, I'd better tell Twi about you, OK? She will know what to do with you."
"If that's not much of a problem," you said, watching her wings taking her airborne.
She started in the air, hovered above you for a moment and glided down. "Oh, and head down this road." Her hoof shot in the air, pointing at the small path between the bushes. "It will lead you out of the forest. The first cottage you will see belongs to Fluttershy. Be sure to stay there till I bring Twi, all right?" Her eyes narrowed as she put her both hooves on your shoulders. "It's extremely important, y'hear? No matter what happens, stay out of the town."
Rainbow's concerned look eliminated any doubt you could have had about this being a joke. You nodded, offering the pegasus a reassuring smile. "Sure thing. We don't want to scare everypony in town with this strange creature, don't we?"
Rainbow's ears perked up as her face blossomed with a bright smile. "Exactly! Now go to Flutters'." Her wings beat the air, but she once again turned to face you. "By the way, what's your name?"
You shrugged, waving your hand dismissively. "That's not important any more. You can call me a brony if you like."
"All right, Brony." Rainbow offered you a hoof which you fist-bumped without a moment of hesitation. "See you at Fluttershy's". And she was off, her trademark rainbow trail following her as she got out of your sight.
***
The road out of the forest ended quickly enough and you found yourself on the outskirts of the town you knew by your heart. Never dreaming of disappointing Rainbow, you sneaked by Fluttershy's cottage fence and entered her garden. A flock of cackling hen announced your arrival, alerting the grumpy white bunny you wished you hadn't just met. The afterlife seemed to be as spiteful as the universe you used to live in before. You sighed, rolling your eyes as you tried to put on a smile you hoped would conceal at least some of the emotions you harbored for the tiny prick before you. "Hey there, little guy," you said, briefly wondering why you were talking to a rabbit. "Would you tell Fluttershy she has a visitor? Rainbow asked me to come here."
Angel sniffed your ankle, imitated having a violent attack of vomit, and gave your tibia a kick.
"Why, you little..." you threatened, a perfect imitation of the angry Homer Simpson, but he was already inside the cottage. You quickly closed the distance to the door which opened before you had a chance to knock.
"Quick, inside!" Fluttershy hissed, pulling you into the cottage. The door behind you closed with a thud and you could have sworn you heard a sound of a key turning in the lock.
As soon as you regained your balance, you took a look around the room. It wasn't much different than what you remembered from the show, but sported several accessories you were certain have never appeared in any episode before. Like that pink ovoid object that tried so hard—and failed!—not to look like a certain part of the stallion's body.
"Oh, that's just my wing massager," Fluttershy said, noticing what you looked at. "Every pegasus mare should have one, you know?" she whispered, the blushes on her cheeks as pink as her mane.
"Of course," you agreed. Well, similar objects you knew from your world could—to some extent—be called "massagers", but you had no idea how she would use it with her wings. A gentleman wouldn't dare to ask, of course.
"Um, would you like some tea?" Fluttershy asked, her wings wrapping around your palm, gently pulling you towards the kitchen.
"Yes, please."
You sat in the chair Fluttershy offered and stuck out your tongue at Angel, who immediately answered by raising his paw at you. The middle digit was raised above the others just enough to be noticeable. You narrowed your eyes. He didn't just...
"Here you are." Fluttershy put a tray with two cups on the table, pouring a steamy hot liquid in each.
"Thank you." You rose from your chair, offering your hand in an ungentlemanly manner. "I believe we haven't been formally introduced. You can call me Brony."
She put her hoof in your hand. "I'm... Fluttershy." She blushed, hiding behind her mane.
A wicked thought of re-enacting the first meeting of Twilight and Fluttershy crossed your mind, but you brushed it off. Getting to witness Fluttershy's adorableness first-hand and in person was more than enough. Instead, you rose her hoof to your face and planted a delicate kiss on it. "Charmed."
"L–l–likewise," Fluttershy stammered, her shaky voice barely above the level of a whisper.
You both sat at the table, Fluttershy pointing at your cup. "Go ahead, have a sip... If you'd like."
You took the cup to your lips, but found the tea far too hot to your liking. You set the cup back on the table, noticing a flash of disappointment crossing the pegasus' face... Or was it only your imagination?
"Your wings look so tense..." you noticed, pointing at her erect appendages.
She blushed, trying to fold them at her side, but they snapped erect instantly with a distinct sound you could only describe as pomf. "S–sorry," Fluttershy squealed, retracting behind her mane. "I haven't had the time to preen them today."
"Would you like me to give you a hand?" you offered.
Fluttershy slammed her hooves against the table, spilling some of the tea with her sudden outburst. "Would you?" she asked, her cheeks flaring red as her eyes glimmered with undisguised excitement.
"Of course," you smiled, taking a seat next to her. "It has to be uncomfortable with your mouth, no?"
Fluttershy wasted no time, setting one of her wings on your lap as soon as you sat down.
"Oh my, they sure do look tense," you said, running your hand down the wing's margin.
Fluttershy didn't respond. Instead, she bit her lip, but it wasn't quite enough to stop a quiet moan from escaping her lips.
You worked your fingers gently through the feathers, setting each one sticking out straight. The rate at which her breath grew faster and heavier as you ran your fingers through the feathers became a concern after a few moments, though.
"I hope I wasn't pulling too hard..." you said, changing the side, taking a moment to admire your work on the wing.
"Wha–" Fluttershy cracked her eyes open, as if waking from a dream you hoped was a pleasant one. She shook her head furiously, the blush on her cheeks rivaling the color of apples on Applejack's flank. "No, it was perfect... I was so close," she muttered, making your eyebrow raise a notch. "Could you do the other one too?" She slammed the other wing against your lap.
You gently ran your palm against the feathers, eliciting another suppressed yelp from the pegasus. Trying your best to disregard her ragged breath, which she was doing her best to contain behind the hoof she had bitten on, you worked your fingers down the appendage. You did your best to keep your fingers as gentle as possible, but your each pull or stroke resulted in a moan or a yelp from the pegasus. You had no idea preening wings could be such an exhilarating experience, but you knew one thing—you couldn't bring yourself to inflict more pain on the delicate pony, no matter how hard she was trying to conceal her suffering.
"Fluttershy –" you set your hands down on the wing, feeling how tense and throbbing it was "– we'd better stop now."
"What?!" she shrieked, rapidly turning around, slapping her wing against your cheek, which caused yet another moan to escape her lips.
You hung your head. "I'm no good at preening... I can tell how much pain I'm causing you. Your heavy breath and your red cheeks are a dead giveaway."
"You can't stop now," she pleaded, flapping the air hard with her tense wings. "I was so close... You have to keep going."
There were many things you could resist, but the devastated, pleading look on Fluttershy's face was definitely not one of them. You closed your eyes, drawing a deep breath. Perhaps finishing your work was better than stopping in the middle and letting all of her efforts go to waste? "If you're sure about this..." you sighed with resignation.
You finished working on the wing as gently as you could, and went back to preen the other one Fluttershy's sudden outburst had ruffled, all the while ignoring her ragged breath, her tongue stuck helplessly out of her mouth, and her eyes rolling to the back of her head. Finally, you reached the last feather, letting out a sigh of relief that almost drowned Fluttershy's long and loud moan. You shifted gently, running your fingers through her mane, surprised at how drenched in sweat it was, to reveal her half-closed eyes. A faint, distant smile spread across her face assured you of how glad she was for this torture to finally be over.
I'm never preening pegasus' wings again, you thought, reaching for the cup of the now cold tea. You thought of giving it a sip, if only to wet your dry throat, but ultimately set the cup down on the table, a grimace of distaste crossing your face.
A loud pop violently broke the silence in the room, announcing the arrival of a teleportation user. As far as magic was concerned, you knew only one pony capable of performing teleportation in Ponyville.
Twilight quickly scanned the room, a strand of her mane popping out as she looked at the table. She let out a groan, noticing Fluttershy lying on the couch.
"I tried to stop her, I really did," you said, shaking your head, "but she insisted on finishing."
Twilight turned around, disturbing the table with her spread wings. Her face calmed down considerably once she noticed you in the room, though.
"Oh, hello there," she said, forcing a faint smile on her face.
"Your highness..." You took a bow.
She backed a step, her cheeks blazing red, waving her hooves dismissively. "Stop it, nopony calls me that. Oh, where are my manners?" She offered her hoof. "I'm Twilight Sparkle, but you look like you already know me."
You planted a tiny kiss on her majesty's hoof, eliciting an even deeper blush shining from under her purple coat. "Brony." You looked up. "You look worried, is everything OK?"
Her purple eyes locked with yours as she drew a worried sigh. "Kind of. I promised the others we would all meet you. They're waiting in Rarity's boutique. But we can't just march right into the town, now can we?"
Not without frightening every pony in the town, you thought, but didn't voice your concerns. "Perhaps you could teleport me with you?"
Twilight's face brightened, her ears perking up. "We could try. Are you up to it?"
"As long as you don't ask me to preen you wings... By the way, are we taking Fluttershy?" you pointed at the yellow-and-pink mess lying on the sofa.
Twilight snorted. "She can come by herself when she wakes up. It looks like she already had her fun."
You narrowed your eyes. That was not a comment you'd expect from Twilight, given how bravely Fluttershy had endured the torture of wing-preening. However, before you were able to voice any concerns, you felt a jerk to your knee followed by what felt most like a shock of electric current. Your vision went black as you felt the pressure building in your skull. You blinked and swallowed, trying to get rid of the nasty feeling.
When your eyes opened, you weren't in Fluttershy's cottage any more. The elegant circular room, with a set of cloth dolls leaning over the wall, could belong to only one pony. You wiped the soot that blackened the sleeves of your suit and looked around. You located the house owner very quickly.
Rarity lay on the couch in the far corner of the room... Together with Applejack... Embraced in the most passionate kiss you've seen in a very long time. You quickly looked away, feeling the blood rush to your cheeks, only to notice Rainbow Dash having her wings preened by Pinkie Pie on the other side of the room. Judging by Rainbow's relaxed, content smile, Pinkie must have been far more skilled at preening than you.
"AHEM!" Twilight cleared her throat loudly enough to startle you. "Would you girls stop that and help me welcome our guest?"
"Sheesh, keep your mane on, Twi," Rainbow murmured, as only her mouth wasn't occupied at the moment.
"Yeah," Pinkie giggled, her head shooting up from between Rainbow's wings, "we're just warming up for a PAR-TAY that's about to start anyways."
Rainbow smacked her friend with her wing impatiently, causing the pink head to return to its rightful place between the blue wings.
Twilight's hoof collided with her forehead with an audible smack. She took a deep breath and exhaled, extending her hoof in a calming gesture Cadence had taught her. "Will anypony please just help me prepare some tea for our guest, as it turns out some of us weren't polite enough to offer him anything to drink?"
The four heads instantly untangled themselves from whatever kept them busy at the moment, the four pairs of eyes piercing you with looks you could describe only as aghast.
Pinkie was the first one to reach you, gently pulling you in one of the comfortable-looking armchairs.
"I'll get the tea," Rarity offered, correcting her slightly ruffled mane.
"I'll help." Applejack shot the unicorn a wink and followed her to the kitchen.
An uncomfortable silence fell over the room like a suffocating fog.
"It's quite all right," you said quietly, trying to defuse the tense atmosphere. "I'm not thirsty."
The distant sound of clinking cups from the kitchen were the only response you were given.
"I swear," Rarity's voice—though appropriately hushed—managed to reach your ears, "it's not the first time she used the fact that her cottage is so close to the forest, completely ignoring the rest of us."
"Mm, you look so delicious when you're pissed off, sugar cube." Applejack's voice was followed by an audible smack. "But what would you expect? Her wings ache for action every day in the week."
Rarity suppressed a giggle. "Her lust is so insatiable, isn't it, though?"
"Well, she hasn't earned her name for her good looks, ya know?" Applejack giggled.
"Sluttershy." Rarity joined her.
You looked at the ponies sitting with you around the table, doing your best to unhear what just reached your ears. Twilight's face was buried in her hooves, Pinkie's eyes darted nervously from the alicorn to Rainbow to the kitchen door, beads of heavy sweat glimmered on the pegasus' forehead as her tense wings pulsed to the beat of her heart.
"Uh... Y'all all right?" Applejack asked as she noticed the array of expressions on her friends' faces. Several cups of the same liquid you missed at Fluttershy's—if its strong smell was any indication—levitated into the room on a tray wrapped in a pale blue aura.
"Let's just..." Twilight said from behind her hooves, fidgeting in her chair, "let's just have a drink and –"
The rest of her sentence was abruptly cut short with a violent explosion as the boutique's front door blew up in a cloud of smoke and a shower of splinters.
"Such manners," Rarity scoffed through coughs. "Couldn't you see the closed sign hung on the door?"
The cloud of smoke slowly dissipated, revealing a minty-green unicorn with a white streak across her mane and a familiar lyre cutie mark. Her amber eyes scanned the room like they belonged to a hungry predator looking for its prey, and locked on you.
"You there, human!" Lyra's hoof shot up, pointing at you.
Just to be certain, you looked to your sides, then behind you. No, there were exactly zero other humans in the room.
"Have sex with me!" Lyra demanded.
Your left eyebrow traveled up your forehead. Say what?
"Impregnate me!" She cried, obviously reading your thoughts, as she broke into a run towards you. "Give me your fingery babies!" She jumped in the air, her outstretched hooves ready to grab you.
You raised your hands and braced for impact... Which didn't come. With a loud bonk, Lyra bounced off the shimmering violet bubble that appeared in front of you.
"You won't get him!" Twilight bucked her hoof against the floor as Pinkie, Rainbow, Applejack, and Rarity formed a semi-circle in front of you. "He's mine!"
"Don't you mean ours, your highness?" Rainbow said, a hint of irritation clearly audible in her voice.
Twilight's cheeks flushed. "Why... Yes! Yes, of course. Ours, that's what I meant." A strand of pink hair sprouted from her mane.
"You won't stop me this time, Sparkle!" Lyra lowered her head, her voice—muffled through the magic shield—barely reaching your ears. "You've had your share." Her horn flared with gold light as a burst of concentrated raw magic shot out of it, slamming against the shield.
"Don't just stand there, Rarity! Help me!" Twilight puffed, the aura around her horn intensifying. Several cracks had already appeared on the purple bubble around you.
"I can't cast a magical shield and you know it!" The fashionista's cheeks flared red, but you couldn't tell whether it was because of her anger or embarrassment.
"Then distract her!" Twilight called back, her shield looking more and more like a cracked eggshell.
Rarity's eyes darted around the room as her horn flared to life. Countless number of pins and needles hidden throughout the room rose in the air, all pointing their sharp ends at Lyra.
You raised your hand, trying to stop this madness, your cry trapped inside your throat... But it was already too late. A barrage of pins and needles fell on Lyra with a flick of Rarity's horn. You closed your eyes, dreading the cry of pain that you were sure would come... But didn't.
You hastily took a peek after a moment of prolonged silence. A shower of rose, lily and daisy petals—each punctured with a needle or a pin—lay on the floor in a colorful—if deadly—mosaic.
"She's brought the flower sisters!" Rarity shrieked, taking a few steps back.
Twilight turned around, her eyes wide with fear. "Don't just stand there, for Luna's sake. Get him out of here! Run!"
A strong pull on your hand forced you to turn around. Applejack led you towards the window. A quick buck was all she needed to reduce the glass to a shower of tiny broken pieces.
"Applejack, you could have just opened that window!" You heard Rarity's cry as you were vaulted through the opening.
"Run!" Applejack cried.
You needn't have to be told twice. An ear-shattering crash of the cracking magical shield gave your legs the much needed impulse to break into a run.
"Not that way!" Applejack called behind you.
You broke into a screeching halt before the earth pony fountain you instantly recognized. You took a deep breath and a cautious peek around you. Several dozens of eyes centered on you in complete silence, making you realize how a mouse surrounded by a group of snakes must feel.
You gulped, the sound of your Adam's apple working thundering in your ears.
"A human!" a mare called, breaking the wall of silent uncertainty. She could have as well issued an order to capture you dead or alive, for the effect her announcement made. A wave of ponies rushed your way, with force and regards of its surrounding of a tsunami.
"Run!" Applejack called yet again, delivering a powerful buck at the closest mare's chest. You watched in awe as the pony's body flew several meters backwards, immediately swallowed by the rushing mass of colorful equines. Then your legs obeyed the farmer's order.
Your heart pounding like a blacksmith's hammer, you broke into a run, a colorful mass of ponies at your heels. The absurdity of the situation reminded you of the scene in which Twilight tried to shake loose a pursuit of mares, wanting to get her spare gala ticket. Only it looked way more fun in the show.
Great, you thought, your legs working like they haven't had the chance in ages, "a jakkety sax is all I need right now."
You cut a corner, your eyes falling on a conveniently placed barrel. You vaulted inside, praying to whichever god would hear you in this alternate universe for a safe landing.
Your prayers hadn't been answered wholly, but at least the barrel was empty. You held your breath as the wave of ponies rushed past the barrel, and disappeared behind a corner with a loud, unanimous roar.
Just to be on the safe side, you decided to wait for several silent minutes before you gathered your courage to peek outside.
The coast was clear... Sort of. The five mares you knew all too well assembled on the nearby street corner.
Rainbow floated to Twilight, whose body was covered with bruises and soot, her mane and tail tangled in unruly knots. "The boutique?"
"We barely won." Pinkie squeezed between them, placing a hoof on each mare's neck. "Have you ever seen a war between flower petals and confetti?" She offered a smug grin. "They had no chance."
Applejack pressed her hat to her chest. "And Lyra?"
Twilight gagged and groaned.
"Let's just say," Rarity chimed in, "that our princess' diplomatic skills assured us an overwhelming victory." The corners of her lips traveled upwards in a venomous smile. "And when I say diplomatic, I mean the expertise of her tongue in an oral argument," she added.
Pinkie dropped on the ground, laughing the contents of her heart out.
"Oral..." Rainbow scrunched her snout, only to erupt in a fit of violent giggles moments later.
"What's so funny?" Applejack demanded.
"Nothing!" Twilight's horn flared with an angry burst of magic as she spread her wings and bucked her hooves against the ground. "Now let's find the human."
Applejack whispered something you couldn't hear into Rainbow's ear.
The pegasus whispered something back.
You watched, amused, as the farm pony's snout scrunched as she tried—and failed-to stop herself from bursting out in a fit of wild giggles.
"You done and blew off her horn?" Applejack forced out, rolling on the ground. "Seriously?"
"Yes! I! Did!" Twilight puffed her red cheeks in a violent explosion. "Half of Rarity's boutique is covered in her slimy magic essence, but at least we have her out of our manes for a few hours."
"You really should ask her for some pointers, darling." Rarity ran a hoof against Applejack's cheek. "A lady could only imagine what it would feel like to have her horn sucked off."
"Hey, Twi" – Rainbow nudged the unicorn, still struggling to keep herself from laughing – "did it taste good? As good as Trixie's, perhaps?"
Twilight snorted, blowing steam off her nose and ears. "Nopony tastes as good as The Great... Never mind!"
"Now, Twilight, I feel genuinely insulted," Rarity pouted. "Having been indirectly compared to that worthless magician is the worst... possible... thing!" She cried, falling on the couch she had magicked out of thin air.
Twilight gritted her teeth, her jaw barely able to sustain such pressure. "Will you all please drop the horn subject?! Don't you think finding the human should be our top priority?"
Applejack lifted her hat and scratched the back of her head. "Twi's right, gals. Everypony in the town must have realized he had arrived by now."
Rainbow flapped her wings with concern. "You think they found him?"
"Judging by the uproar, it's highly unlikely." Twilight pointed in the direction from which a mix of shouts, calls, and a general roar seemed to be coming.
"But where could he have disappeared to?" Rarity scratched her chin.
Rainbow pointed to what you believed was west. "Well, maybe to Zecora, since he's a piller and all..."
A veil of silence fell on the four mares as they all tried to stare down Rainbow from the sky.
"He's a WHAT?!" Four throats cried in unison.
Twilight pinned rainbow to the wall of a nearby building, her hooves slamming against the brick wall. "He climbed out of the blue vat? And when exactly were you planning on telling us that tiny little detail?" She demanded, another few of the strands sprouting from her mane.
Rainbow raised a hesitant hoof. "Uh... Now?"
The alicorn kept glaring daggers at the pegasus as more and more strands sprouted slowly from her mane like sluggish worms.
The spectacle was cut short when Applejack put a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. "Keep your mane on, Twi." She gave the unicorn a critical look. "Literary. Don't you think we should find him first? He can't know about Zecora."
Twilight took a few calming breaths. "You're right. She's right!" she cried, yet another strand of her mane popping up. "Rarity, put that modified gem finding spell on your antenna and let's get to searching."
Uh-oh... you thought as Rarity's horn flared with light. Through the hole in the barrel you could clearly see the five heads, turning like a set of grotesque puppets controlled by an unskilled puppet master, locking their eyes on the barrel.
"Well, I'll be..." Applejack put her hat to her chest. "He must've heard everythin'!"
That was your cue to jump out of the barrel and start running.
"I'll get him!" Rainbow cried, making the hair on your neck stand. You had no chance with the fastest living creature in this world.
You looked back, only to notice her flap her ready wings, but she was jerked to a stop by Twilight's magic. The two exchanged some wordless looks and the whole party started after you, keeping their distance with a light trot.
You had next to nowhere to run, seeing as if every mare in town acted as if she wanted to gobble you up alive. A black-and-white coat of a familiar zebra flashed through your mind. Rainbow mentioned Zecora... You turned into an alley and headed west, towards the green wall of the Everfree Forest.
By the time you reached the cover of the majestic trees, you were sure your heart was going to pound your rib cage open. You dived under the shady cover of the treetops, and between the bushes.
"Stop!" Fluttershy's face appeared in front of you, inches away of giving you a heart attack. You missed a step, fell on the ground, and rolled under a tree as your back hit the unforgiving bark, emptying your lungs of air.
"Why are you running away, sugar cube?" Applejack asked, as she and the others emerged from the bushes, forming a semicircle around you.
"Yeah, we won't hurt you." Pinkie bounced happily in her spot.
Twilight folded her wings and stepped in front of the others. "Let's all calm down for a moment. I believe you deserve some explanation of what is going on."
You folded your arms, looking away. "I don't need any crappy exposition. You're trying to rape me."
Rainbow rubbed the back of her head. "He's got a point."
"Well..." Twilight sat heavily on the ground. "Essentially, we indeed are." She narrowed her eyes. "But wait... If you've figured it out, why are you running away?"
You stared at the alicorn, mentally calculating the chance of her wanting an honest answer. The seriousness of her concerned eyes eliminated any chance of that being a rhetorical question. "Because: –" you raised your finger, looking deep into her eyes. "A) I didn't come here for sex." Another of your fingers shot up. "B) I don't find any of you attractive." The third digit joined the others. "And C) I don't want to be violated by a bunch of horses."
Twilight slowly turned her head towards Fluttershy, who tried to hide behind her mane, most probably wishing for the ground to split in half and swallow her, saving her from the scorching purple eyes.
"Great! Simply perfect!" Twilight cried. No other strand of her hair sprouted from her mane this time, simply for the lack of any straight ones by now. "It's case 127 all over again!" She flared her nostrils at the pegasus cowering beneath her. "Nice going, Sluttershy. Of all the humans that could have come, you had to choose a non-clopper to satisfy your needs, instead of giving him the poison-joke tea, like we always do!"
A tiny speck of a yellow snout emerged from behind her pink mane as Fluttershy produced a barely audible squeak.
"Shut up, whore!" Twilight snapped. Fluttershy retracted behind her mane, a tinge of compassion stabbing at your heart. You opened your mouth to defend her, but Twilight was the first to speak.
"Look, Brony, let me reason with you," she said, her back weighing under the heavy load of what she was going to say. "Have you seen a single stallion on your short trip around the town?"
You tried hard to recall seeing any, but were ultimately forced to shake your head.
"Exactly. Because there ain't none." Applejack joined Twilight, her hat pressed to her chest.
"Wha–" was everything you could manage.
"There simply aren't any stallions in this town, period," Rarity added.
"What about Time Turner? Mr Breezy or Mr Cake? What happened to Blues or Bulk Biceps?" You counted the first few names that came to your mind. You pointed your accusing finger at Applejack. "What about your brother?"
The farm pony spat with disgust. "That good-fer-nothin' clunk of meat moved to Appleloosa to live with Braeburn. Lousy, egoistical fag!"
You opened your mouth and closed it.
Twilight ran her hoof through her mane. "There are no stallions in Ponyville. It's a fact."
"Well, perhaps you drove them all away with your unsatisfiable lust?" You said before you remembered to bite your tongue.
Twilight ignored you. "Do you have any idea how much repressed sexual tension this causes for the mares here?"
"A-frickin-lot!" Pinkie bounced in place, wafting her face with a hoof.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Yes, Pinkie, thank you for your as always accurate calculation."
"We did try to live with it, of course." Rarity stepped forward. "To find other means to satisfy our desires."
"Many of us turned to our friends," Applejack added. "With mixed results."
Rainbow flapped her wings, hovering above her friends. "Some of the friendships turned into hot and steamy romances. Like Vinyl and Octavia, for example."
"While others ended with a spectacular crash," Twilight said.
"Yeah," Pinkie folded her ears. "Poor Bon Bon."
"But, no matter how much pleasure riding a horn can provide –" Applejack corrected the hat on her head "– there always comes a time when you long for a hunk of real meat between your thighs."
Everypony looked at Applejack with wide eyes, Twilight, Rainbow and Fluttershy spreading their wings with a clearly audible pomf.
"No offense, Rares." She winked at Rarity.
"None taken," the fashionista replied, carefully hiding the tinge of hurt in her voice.
"Regardless," Twilight raised her voice, "several years ago Princess Celestia noticed our perils and decided to help. She instructed us to play a set of scenarios, which she then recorded and sent as a magic signal across the universes. I think you know best how it was popularized across your world."
Several ideas came to your mind, you had to admit. You briefly wondered how the creator of the series would react if she knew where her idea had come from...
"And it did the trick, ya know," Rainbow continued. "Imagine me flying over the Everfree one day, when the sky rips in half and a strange, hairless monkey falls through the crack."
"So... I wasn't the first one," you voiced what you had suspected for some time now.
"Of course not, silly!" Pinkie giggled.
"Although the first few were more of... Passing guests, should I say..." Rarity folded her ears, her voice nothing but pity. "That is" – her ears perked up – "until we built those magical interceptors Twilight had conceived."
You raised an eyebrow. "Those pools of colorful sludge?"
"That's them, sugar cube." Applejack spat, puffing her chest out proudly. "Dug the holes with my bare mouth!"
Twilight, having managed to finally fold her wings after their earlier outburst, rubbed her horn. "I have to admit, your kind was just what this town needed. Not limited to heat cycles to be ready to mate, with crazy libido, preferring to change their partners instead of staying true to only one, and—in most cases—expressing the outright desire to mate with us, a different species."
You raised your hand to stop Twilight. "Why are you dumping all of that info on me? I don't give a single damn."
"To make you see the reason behind our behavior," Twilight said, her eyes almost pleading. "There is a general shortage of stallions in Equestria. We need you. Our bodies need you."
"I'm not going to have sex with horses, period!" You slammed your fist against the tree behind you. "And I'm ashamed of the cloppers who had come before me."
Rainbow cried out, flaring her wings angrily. "For Celestia's sake, why are you so stubborn?"
"Because of moral standards!" You cried back. "Ever heard the term 'zoophilia' before? Fluttershy" – you pointed your finger accusingly at the Pegasus – "doesn't do it with Angel or her other animals, does she?"
The embarrassed silence that followed spoke volumes about the caretaker, who hid behind her mane, her cheeks flaring red.
You deposited your face inside your palms. "For crying out loud, you insatiable horses!"
"Wait, wait, wait, please." Twilight raised a calming hoof. "If moral standards are your only concern, we can help you get rid of them. After the infamous case 127 Pinkie devised a poison joke tea–"
"Hence the name, Pinkie's Brew!" The pink pony hopped happily in her place.
"Yes," Twilight continued. "It will help you forget about your moral concerns, increase the size of your stall- manhood and increase the pleasure you get from sex.
You narrowed your eyes. "In other words, it will basically turn me into a huge dick attached to a human body?"
Pinkie scratched her chin, thinking about your summarization. "You know" – she offered a bright smile – "that's a pretty accurate description."
You folded your arms again, looking away from the group. "No, thank you."
"Gah! We're wasting time we could be spending on some nice rutting!" Rainbow cried. "Why don't you just knock him out with a spell and pour the brew down his gullet?"
Twilight looked down at you, her face full of determination. "I was against doing it by force, but I'm prepared to carry out Rainbow's proposition, in case push comes to shove." Her eyes locked with yours, displaying a hint of concern. "Let me ask you a final time: will you become our sex-slave voluntarily, or do we have to force you into our sex-toy?"
You looked back at her, her determination clashing against your resolve. "I refuse to become either."
Twilight drew a deep sigh, her head shaking slowly in resignation. "Then you leave us no choice. Girls, hold him down." Her horn flared with light. "You know how resistant to magic these creatures are. I have to inject the spell directly into his blood or it won't work."
You backpedaled a few steps, but the hard stump of a tree stopped your trip quite quickly. The ponies formed a semi-circle around you, their eyes and gnawed teeth glimmering in the dark of the dimming sun, reminding you of a pack of wolves about to tear a poor sheep apart with their fangs.
Rarity advanced first, giving you a split-second idea. You twisted on the ground and grabbed her snout, pointing her horn at the other advancing ponies. "Stand down!" you demanded, blocking her head with an elbow. "I've got the marshmallow and am not afraid to use her."
The mares stopped, most likely more out of curiosity than of genuine fear.
Twilight rolled her eyes and took a step towards you. "And just what are you going to do with her? Brush her mane?"
A vivid description of how Rarity's boutique must have looked after Lyra's battle with Twilight crossed your mind. You only hoped there wasn't much exaggeration in the alicorn's earlier words about the effects of her horn job.
You locked your eyes on the ponies and licked the tip of your thumb. You quickly ran it up Rarity's horn, from its base to the very tip, feeling its smooth texture divided by the spiraling crevice.
Rarity instantly stopped her struggling to get free, and let out a groan of what you suspected was pleasure as her whole body went limp.
Twilight's eyes grew wide as you wrapped your fist around the horn and gave it a jerk up and down. "Oh, buck," she said.
Your disgust and hate towards yourself reaching its peak, you put your strength into pleasuring Rarity, increasing the strength of your grip and the speed of your hand up and down her horn.
"Stop him, y'all!" Applejack cried. "Only I'm allowed to do that."
You barely registered her cry as you worked your hand against the unicorn's throbbing horn.
The farm pony jumped forward, her eyes reduced to tiny slits of fury.
Rarity cracked her eyelids open, looking into her lover's emerald eyes, and managed a quiet "I'm sorry." Her body arched as her horn flashed with blinding light. Giving it all the strength you could muster, you pointed her flaring horn at the group of ponies, and gave your hand another strong jerk. The light around Rarity's horn concentrated in its tip as she let out a loud and long moan. Then everything went white.
You opened your eyes, the world spinning and dancing before them. The limp figure of the violated elegant unicorn lying at your feet ascertained you, to your great disappointment, that it wasn't all just a bad dream, like you had hoped.
A blue feather fell from the sky and landed on your shoulder. You jumped back. Only after having felt the reassuring firmness of the hard tree stump behind you, you allowed yourself a quick scan of the surroundings.
"Fuck me... " you muttered, noticing the lightly blue goo that covered the nearby trees and pretty much a huge part of you. You run a portion of it between your fingers. It was wet, jellylike, and sticky. Almost like...
A shiver of disgust rocked your body as you scanned the trees for the familiar ponies. You couldn't see them anywhere. Still, you weren't going to wait for them to come to.
You ran into the forest, desperately trying to keep your mind occupied by anything but what you had just done to Rarity. Jerking off a horny unicorn was not something that could give you bragging rights at a guys' meeting.
A few minutes of running between the trees and struggling between the bushes felt like an eternity, during which you always felt the hot breath of the pony predators behind you. Your efforts were rewarded, however, when you shot out of the forest, and into a familiar clearing. The all too recognizable tree, with a door on its side and a set of tribal masks beside it, was indeed a sight for the sore eyes.
You bolted to the door, stumbled on a stray root, and fell head first against the hard wooden surface of the door.
"Hey, baby, I'ma comin'. What's the rush?" a deep feminine voice rang from the inside.
Was this the right tree? you briefly wondered as you rubbed your sore forehead.
The door slammed open, revealing a zebra face that felt familiar, yet different.
"Um... Miss Zecora?"
She ran a hoof through her curly striped mane, brushing it off her turquoise eyes. "The very same. You heard of me, baby?"
An apologetic smile was all you could muster after you remembered to pick your jaw from the floor. "Let's just say I pictured you a little differently."
The corner of her lips raised in a barely noticeable smirk. "Let me guess: a rhyming recluse living alone in the forest, brewing strange potions all day long? A movie act, baby, like the whole town of those pony sluts around the block." She pulled a slim cigarette from behind her ear and lit its tip, puffing out a cloud of smoke. It smelled nothing like an ordinary cigar. "Care for a ride?" She offered you one.
You shook your head. "No, thanks."
She shrugged and exhaled another cloud of smoke.
"Speaking of the pony sluts," you said, grabbing her attention before she completely wasted herself, "I overheard them saying you helped some of my kin get back."
She puffed out another gray cloud, her eyes piercing you with as much curiosity as disdain. "Piller?"
You nodded.
"Lucky you. At least you have an undamaged body to return to."
You opened your mouth. And closed it, clueless how you could respond to that.
"I might be able to help you," she said, lighting the bonfire of hope in your heart. She trotted to the center of the room and leaned over the cauldron, giving you an emotionless glance. "But what's in it for me, baby?"
You planted your face in your palms. You could have suspected it wouldn't be for free. "What could you possibly want? I have nothing of any value..."
"Beside yourself, baby..." Her face twisted slowly in a seductive smile as she drawled the last word.
You gulped, the glimmer in her eyes making the hair on your neck stand. "What–" you tried to speak, but your throat was drier than Death Valley in summer. "What do you mean?"
She turned around, swishing her tail left and right. "On your knees and lick it clean."
Fuck you, you Zebra whore! Admittedly, those were the first words that popped into your mind. You swallowed them, however, fearing she would take you up on your offer. Your eyes darted behind, where—behind the door—a short path led to the town filled to its brim with sex-driven horses. Here, there was a single zebra. You didn't need to know the differential calculus to figure out your chances.
You dropped on your knees, barely stopping your desire to vomit on the zebra's fat, striped ass. You closed your eyes, desperately digging through your memories for anything pleasant that might have eased your torment as Zecora's tail tickled your nose.
"Whoa there, lover boy," the zebra said, rapidly turning around. "That's enough."
You blinked.
She gave you a hard swat in the back. "Come with me."
You got up, your head ringing like a church bell on Sunday, and followed her to the basement.
"A piller, you said?" She rummaged through the shelves, turning several bottles with questionable content to the light. "Well, a bit easier than a hanger, I always say." Her long, deep laugh reverberated in the cellar.
You shed a faint smile, deciding not to dwell too much into what exactly made it easier.
Finally, after what seemed like eternity of her rummaging between the jars and bottles, which protested with angry clanks and tinks, Zecora pulled a particular bottle. "Ah, there you are." She threw it your way.
You jumped forward, barely able to catch it. Once in your hands, you gave it a quick once-over. The green liquid inside shimmered in the light menacingly.
"You have to drink it," Zecora stated the obvious, then narrowed her eyes. "In exchange, I only want you to stop any other morons from your world from coming here, hoping the grass would be greener on the other side of the fence."
Her turquoise eyes pierced you as you digested her harsh request. "You can make your own life and your world better. You only have to try instead of quitting midway," she said. "Now, bottoms up."
You stirred the green liquid inside the bottle, letting it swirl, contemplating on the zebra's words. "And that's it?"
"You betcha, baby." Her wide smile illuminated the cellar.
You raised the bottle to your lips, but a hard pull at your hand stopped you from emptying it.
"Not here!" Zecora shook her head. "I would never clean the place up."
You raised an eyebrow, but the Zebra pulled you upstairs and outside, without offering any other explanation. When she decided you were far enough from the house, she let go of your hand. "Be my guest, baby."
The green liquid swirled in the bottle as you raised it to your lips once more, different scenarios requiring much cleaning from the zebra running in your mind. "What's going to happen?"
"Stop!" Twilight's voice rolled through the clearing. "Don't drink it!"
You looked at the six ponies running or flying towards you, then at Zecora.
She merely shrugged. "Your call, baby."
You closed your eyes and swallowed the liquid in one gulp.
"Tasty?" Zecora asked.
You burped, trying to wipe the horrid taste from your lips. A bottle of sulfuric acid would have probably tasted better.
"Good." Zecora smiled, giving you a proud pat on the back as you dropped to your knees. "Now, don't keep it inside you for too long."
As if you had any say in the matter, you thought as a tidal wave of nausea rocked through your body. Your hazy eyes barely registered Twilight landing in front of you.
"What have you done, you black-and-white whore?" she groaned.
"The right thing, purple penis pony princess."
Twilight flared her horn, her eyes reduced to tiny slits of anger in her face, but she ignored the zebra, grabbing your shoulders instead. "Quick," she called the others, "maybe it's not too late to siphon it out."
Zecora smirked. "It's far too late. Oi, baby..." She leaned over you. "How did you like my tail in your face?"
The image of Zecora's hindquarters invaded your mind. You couldn't remember what the thing you had in your mouth was, but your body felt the unstoppable urge to rid itself of it.
"My eye! Not in my mane!"
You heard a scream of terror and disgust. Was it Twilight's? You couldn't really care less over the pain of your body emptying yourself.
The colorful world danced around you as you fell on the ground with a dull thud, never stopping to vomit your soul out of your body.
The sounds and voices grew more distant as the dirt under your face lost its color, becoming darker and darker, until everything faded behind the curtain of a starless, soundless night.
***
A searing pain shot through your forehead, pierced your brain, and escaped through the back of your skull.
"Keep pumping!" a male voice called. "We've got the poor sod."
"But he fell from the bed," a female voice objected.
"Good, it means he's got the strength to fight. Now keep the tube inside his goddamn throat."
***
The pitch black around you dimmed and thinned into a grey of the closed eyes as different parts of your body slowly reconnected with your brain, sharing their numbness with your waking consciousness. The ever-present regular beeps bored into your skull like the teeth of an invisible vampire.
You tried to open your eyes, failing miserably as a fresh jolt of pain erupted below your eyelids. You waited a few moments, taking several calming breaths, then tried again.
The first thing you saw was white. Under closer inspection, you noticed it was a piece of white quilt your body was wrapped in. Next to your bed, someone had placed a tube from which a colorless liquid dripped into a plastic vein, which ended underneath the blanket. You shivered, carefully trying to think of anything else than the other end of the drip hidden beneath the quilt.
A movement near your bed made you turn your eyes—the only part of your body that still listened to your brain—to see its source. A nurse sat beside your bed, her face hidden behind a tabloid.
You licked your lips. "Fgtrdn... Sdfthjgt?" you asked where you were, gathering all the eloquence, politeness, and poise you could muster.
The nurse graced you with a dismissive look, barely shifting the corner of her eye from above her paper. "Yeah, yeah. Get some more sleep, will you?"
"Frgsnm," you agreed, your mind drifting away.
***
The identical walls of the hospital corridors slid next to you like frames from a broken movie reel as you aimlessly wandered around the building.
"You can consider yourself a pretty lucky young man," the doctor's words echoed in your mind. "I was just about to issue the final diagnosis, when you jerked off that bed. Haven't seen anything like it before. You must have found a pretty strong reason to live after all."
Not that you knew of. Beside—of course—the dreadful perspective of spending the afterlife among the sex-crazed horses.
You raised your head, inspecting where your feet had led you to. The common room was nearly empty this time of day, save for a few kids with their eyes glued to a TV set on the wall.
"The animals don't listen, no, not one little bit," Rainbow sang from the speakers, her voice giving you the shivers.
A few of the kids sang alongside her, providing quite an interesting morbid chorus.
You were just about to leave, when the door to the room slammed open, and a nurse—roughly the same age as you—burst in.
He quickly scanned the room and shot you a welcoming smile. "Oh, man, almost didn't make it." He panted. "Brohoof?"
You hesitated for a moment, but ultimately bumped his raised fist with yours.
"Never anticipated meeting another brony in a hospital, of all places," he said. "You OK?"
You nodded. "Will live."
The two of you watched the show for a moment, admiring Twilight's sad, self-blaming solo.
"Man, you've gotta love this show," your companion said. "Those strong characters, the compelling storyline, the marvelous music, the awesome animation, the morals... And—above all—the cheerful, feel-good attitude." He turned to you, an apologetic smile on his face. "You know, it may sound silly, but I sometimes wish I lived with them in Equestria, leaving all the problems of this ruthless and cruel world behind. Don't you?"
You looked at the screen. "The thought crossed my mind on occasions."
"Yeah, I bet it would be a dream come true."
More like a wet dream. Or a wet nightmare. You kept the thought to yourself.
The other brony leaned against the wall. "If only they invented some kind of a magic portal to take us there, like the mirror Twilight found in the movie."
You couldn't stop your lips from twisting in a nasty smirk. "Be careful what you wish for. More often than not, the things you see on TV don't portray the reality with exact precision."
The other brony shot you a confused look, but you didn't give any explanation. You were in the hospital already, there was no point in getting locked in a psychiatric ward after leaving.
The ponies on TV appreciated their friendship in a catchy song as you headed towards the exit. TV, so full of lies and propaganda. You shook your head, closing the door behind you.
"Now..." you cried to the empty hallway, "what the hell do I do with the rest of my life?!"
Author's Note
And I'm ashamed of the cloppers who had come before me.
No, I don't. I love each and every one of you. 
Reader's discretion is advised.