1: Why the Fuck do You Look Like a Fuckin' Poodle?
We have quickly decided that we are going to write everything down. Our cameras have disappeared, or we have lost them, but notepads and pencils should suffice. We will not reference ourselves further in the writings, unless we are addressed. Please realize that we already believe that we have somehow fallen under the influence of drugs.
"Holy fuck, Julian!" Ricky shouted enthusiastically, "Look at these fuckheads!" Julian stirred slightly, and lifted his head groggily.
"What the fuck's going on?" Julian groaned, albeit loudly, as he forced himself upwards and blinked his eyes open. Immediately his face took on a look of concentration, and of disbelief.
"The camera fucks, they're all short and hairy, fuckin' look!" Ricky insisted, looking on to his friend, and ignoring - or failing to notice - how short and hairy Julian was.
"Ricky..." Julian said, as he made eye contact with the marijuana enthusiast, and then carefully looked himself over.
"Hey fucks for brains!" Ricky taunted, and approached one of the camera crew members, [pencil scribble trails off the page, writing picks up two lines down] -and reached for his notepad violently. "Why the fuck do you look like a fuckin' poodle?"
"Ricky." Julian said a bit more loudly this time. He was very carefully examining his surroundings, with large grey mountains dispersed in various directions, one of them trumping all the others, and a dense forest to the south. Both him and his friends were all sitting, standing, or lying on a Macadam road, which trailed over a hill in one direction, and into the forest in another.
"Yeah Jules?" Ricky said, affirmatively, and looking back to the muscular figure, still wearing his black shirt and gold chain.
"Ricky, look at yourself." Julian said, almost pitifully.
Ricky mouthed a 'why' to himself, before looking down at his chest. It was hairy - no, that would have been normal - actually, the issue was that it was furry. Following the strange sight of his own chest, Ricky audibly cursed in confusion, and looked around the rest of his body, which was short, furry, and most oddly; quadrupedal.
"What in the fuck's wrong with my fuckin' body?"
"I think we're hallucinating, Rick." Julian said calmly, and instinctively raised his ~~hand~~ hoof to his face, before realizing it was devoid of rum, at which point he began looking very upset.
It was at this time the two had their attention drawn to something else, a small furry creature (comparable to Ricky and Julian's new form), that was a bright yellow, with cerise eyes and two-tone blue hair which curled over her brow, and around what looked like a single horn. On her haunch, there was a clear image of three blue-green hearts that sort of swirled around each other. She spoke with a slight drawl to the two criminals.
"Do you fellows need any help?" She asked, politely and warmly.
"Yeah." Ricky said. "Do you know where we can get some fuckin' liquor?" Julian hissed Ricky's name angrily, but not before the stranger spoke again.
"Excuse me?" She seemed honestly shocked, rather than upset.
"Sorry about that." Julian said deeply, pushing Ricky aside, and stepping up to her. "I'm Julian, and that's Ricky."
"Uh, I'm-" She glanced at Ricky cautiously."I'm Lemon Hearts, nice to meet you." She picked her happy tone back up, and smiled.
"Well, Lemon Hearts." Julian said, and the mare couldn't help but take notice of his large form beneath his tight, black shirt. "We could actually use some help, I think we're lost."
"Oh! Well Ponyville's just a few minutes down this road, it'll be no problem to find."
Julian tried not to look disappointed, and Ricky could be heard faintly in the background "What in the fuck is a 'Pony-bill'?"
"Hm. I don't think I've ever been to Ponyville." He said politely, and Lemon picked up on the queue.
"It's just a nice little rural hub, almost dead center of Equestria. You must have gotten yourselves blown way off course to not have heard of it. The Elements of Harmony live there!"
Ricky questioned the speech of the strange creature, and swore some more, but far enough away that Julian could cough over it. Julian also hadn't understood many of the phrases Lemon had spoken of, but he could piece it together in context. Ponyville was a town of some sort, Equestria was either a province or a country of a kind, and the Elements of Harmony were probably a band or something. It sounded something like the newer music Julian had heard.
"Thanks, Ms. Hearts. We really gotta get our bearings, but I hope we meet again." He smiled slightly, and Lemon returned the gesture, somewhat swoonily. Julian gestured for Ricky to follow, and they began to walk down the road in the opposite direction as Lemon had been, before she stopped them with a worried voice.
"Ooh, what about your friend there? Is he alright?" Julian turned around to see a grey animal, just like him and Rick, but with short blonde hair, and absolutely gargantuan glasses. He was paralyzed on the ground, staring ever-forward. Ricky swore under his breath, and ran up to his friend.
"Bubs, you fuckin' alright?" He asked, waving a hoof in front of the winged poodle-horse. Bubbles did not respond. "Julian, it's like when he was in the fuckin' telephone house!"
"This is worse." Julian said calmly, again worrying himself with the absence of his rum. "In the booth he woke up pretty fast." Julian approached the catatonic animal. "Bubbles, you there bud?"
Again, no response. Julian frowned in worry, and Ricky ~~punched~~ stomped the road in anger. Lemon Hearts chimed in, trying to be helpful and calm.
"Ponyville Hospital has a mental ward, if you think he's in danger." She said with an earnest frown.
"That sounds like a bet." Julian nodded. "Thanks again, Lemon Hearts. You really saved our asses." Just as Julian caught his curse, he was surprised to see that it didn't seem to upset the yellow creature. Perhaps 'ass' meant something else in their culture. Lemon Hearts bid her farewells, and Ricky helped Julian to get Bubbles onto his back. It was hard, without hands, but they managed it eventually. Julian always felt well when he got a chance to put his muscles to use, even if it required his friend being catatonic.
They made it down the road quickly enough, even with Julian being slightly weighed down. The whole way, Ricky was trotting ahead, and bending down to inspect various plants along the path. Every plant he saw made him look more upset, and finally, just before they made it to the crest of a hill, Ricky came up to Julian with an exasperated expression.
"I got bad news, Jules." He said, sighing loudly.
"What, that we're fuckin' horses?"
"No. There's no fuckin' weed here." Julian looked unimpressed. "I mean fuckin' anywhere, Julian. It's like some asshole came in and took all the weed away."
"Ricky, how could you possibly know that? You've only seen a hundred foot section of road."
"Julian, you might know a lot about books and liberries and whatever, but I know my fuckin' weed. You can tell if there's weed somewhere, it's not just the plants on their fuckin' own. There's other signs and shit."
Julian didn't press the matter. It seemed a little suspicious that the grass went on for miles, even and perfectly trimmed, but he just presumed that the area had a high standard of living, and they probably hired a bunch of dudes to mow the grass. Plenty of places could manage that, especially central hubs with low residency and high tourism. This place, according to the short description that Lemon Hearts had provided, sounded exactly like that.
"Well we don't plan on staying. Fuck, we'll probably just wake up and realize we were running around Sunnyvale naked and high." As Julian finished, the trio crested the hill.
"Oh my fuck." Even Ricky was surprised.
A massive town lay before them, with cobble roads and thatched roofing, like some kind of farming community. Creatures like the trio of criminals littered the streets, babbling and chuckling. The population was a pool of every colour from maroon to neon green. As they looked up, they saw a few flying, and sitting on the clouds. They had wings, though they were very small. Julian was quick to spot that another fraction of the populace had horns protruding from their foreheads. Another few seemed impressively unremarkable.
"Hey, you think that Bubbles could fly with those fuckers?" Ricky broke Julian's trance, and he shook his head shakily.
"Looks like it." He consciously forced himself not to reach for his rum again. "Maybe the ones with horns can do something fucky too."
"Fuckin' give it a try." Ricky suggested, sniffing a dandelion and swearing.
Julian was about to ask what Ricky was talking about, before he caught what it could possibly have meant. He crossed his eyes, looking at his snout and then pulled them upward. Indeed, there was a calcified extremity atop his crown. He swore a little spark of electricity cracked off of it for a second.
"What the fuck?" Julian furrowed his brow, slightly angry. "Ricky, why don't you have something weird stuck on you?"
"How the fuck should I know?" Ricky kicked a flower out of the ground. "But I'm starting to get fucking pissed there's no god damn weed here!" He shouted, loud enough that a few of the distant residents ahead raised their heads.
"Ricky, calm down. We'll find weed somewhere, but there's something fucked about these things. They're really on edge, and you're gonna fuckin' scare them. Try to keep your cool, alright?" Ricky just snorted. "For Bubbles."
Immediately Ricky's expression perked. "Alright, I can stay calm until we get him to the doctor at least. But then I'm going to find some weed and I can't be held repentable for what I do if someone gets in my fuckin' way."
Julian nodded, and beckoned Ricky. They clenched their teeth and stood tall, as they headed toward the town. They would have been lying if they said they weren't afraid. The swarm of pastel poodle horses was a mere inch from them, and Julian took a deep breath, before carrying his motionless friend into the sea of colours. It was loud, and Julian had to dodge citizens more than once, but he waded on. Determinedly ignoring the dozens of voices shouting greetings and exclamations.
Eventually the sound was overwhelming.
"Oh, are you new here?"
"Howdy!"
"What's your name?!"
Julian gritted his teeth, and furrowed his brow angrily. He was about to plug his ears, when he realized that would cause him to fall over. He groaned, the symphony of chaos surrounding him was ridiculous, and far too high pitched. Glancing back at Ricky, he saw his friend looking just as upset. When they made eye contact, Ricky gave a look that asked "Can I swear at them now?" Julian shook his head, and spoke up.
"Everyone listen up!" His voice was deep, where all the others were high, and it penetrated the cacophony with ease. "My friend here is sick. We need to get to the hospital, can anyone point it out?"
Mumbles rippled across the swarm, discussing things such as hospitals, and species-specific dialects. Eventually somebody put their hoof high up into the air, and held their breath conspicuously. Everyone else quietly watched them.
"Yes?" Julian eventually asked.
"It's right over there!" The pastel denizen said happily.
"Thank you." Julian sighed loudly, and went on his way. When the swarm began to follow him again, he shouted. "Stay!" and they all paused, then let him go silently, but with heart crushing frowns of utter disappointment.
Now there was a berth of calm, and space around the outsiders. Ricky was thankful, because he could swear under his breath now, without anyone hearing. It was still hard on him though, and Julian could tell his friend was in distress about the sudden suppression of his language.
"Not much longer Ricky, you can make it."
"I don't fu--" Ricky's face twitched, and he began to breathe more heavily. "I don't know, Julian."
And for a few minutes, there was quiet. When they finally stepped through the hospital doors, Ricky looked threateningly close to his capacity of restrained curses, and Bubbles looked no less inanimate than before. Immediately upon entering, a receptionist beckoned them over worriedly, and a nurse bolted to get a hospitable bed. The lady [Foot note indicates presumed gender. "Longer hair, higher voice, rounder features...?"] at the front desk had a horn, and it began to glow softly. Julian blinked is eyes twice, and after that a feather pen was hovering above a piece of paper, with a similar green glow around it. He was about to ask on the matter, when the receptionist spoke frantically.
"You're checking your pegasus friend in?"
Ricky cursed, through his sleeve to muffle it. "The fuck is a pegasaurus?!"
"Bless you." Julian covered for Ricky. "Yeah, we don't know what's wrong with him. He's just... Not responding to anything."
"Oh dear!" The brown furred animal seemed drastically upset. "Could you tell me his name, pre-existing medical conditions, and any allergies to medications or spell treatments?"
"His name is Bubbles." Julian started. "He's got bad eyesight, if that counts for anything, but I don't think there's anything else wrong with him."
"Of course." She stated, still clearly anxious. "A team should be with you in just a moment."
As promised, the same nurse from before, and another one to help, came back with a rolling medical bed. Using what looked like the same method the receptionist used for her pen, these two lifted Bubbles onto the portable furnishing, and one began examining him while the other pushed him along the hallway.
"Where the fuck are they taking him?" Ricky demanded. "They better not hurt Bubs!" He turned to Julian.
"He'll be just fine!" The receptionist assured, trying to smile. "They just need some time to analyze and begin work on his condition. If you tell me where you live, I can have a message delivered when he's ready to be visited." She said, floating various files around determinedly.
"We're... Not from around here." Julian hesitantly offered.
"Well, check back in a couple hours, then. He'll almost certainly be ready by then." She smiled, and began scribbling. "If there isn't anything else, I've got a lot of paper work to do... Sorry!" She seemed genuinely apologetic.
"It's no problem." Julian acknowledged, and turned back to Ricky, before the two began walking out of the bay. Once outside, Ricky sighed in relief.
"Julian, you can do what the fuck you want, but I've gotta find some fucking weed or hash or something, this is fucking me up." He was already poking at various plants, and sniffing the ground like a bloodhound.
"You're not going to fucking abandon me here are you?" Julian tried to sip his absent drink, again. He nearly spat in anger, again.
"Sorry, Jules!" Ricky shouted, he was a good city block away, weaving in and around houses without a moments hesitation.
"Fuck!" Julian shouted, as he lost sight of his friend.
He was alone, outside a hospital filled with what could be very, very, loosely described as horses and surrounded by yet more of the colourful, bouncy, loud animals. He struggled to find something to latch on to, a goal or landmark. There was nothing, not in his mind. He was alone, lost, and empty ~~handed~~ hoofed. Then he looked at his hooves, his horribly empty hooves, and in them he saw his goal. He needed a drink. So he cantered off, not really sure where to start looking.
2: Holy Frisky Fuck! I'm a Fucking Pirate!
On a hospital bed, in a hospital room, in a hospital, in an absurd nation populated by shiny horse creatures with mythical appendages and an impressive level of naivety, lay a distressed Bubbles. It was quiet, save for his own breath and the sound of a heart rate monitor from somewhere in the distance. He wasn't sure where he was, why he was there, or why he felt so uncomfortable scratching his head. His face was plastered into an expression of shock and concern, eyes wide and frown firm but worried.
He moved his head for the first time, looking to the right. He immediately looked back at the ceiling, because he really didn't like what he had seen. It looked kind of like a weird blend between a dog, a horse and a box of candy, but it had wings too. It was yellow and pink, was all the detail he could gather from his shocked glance. He slowly looked back toward it, but his breath was more rapid this time. Yes, it was definitely alive. He knew because just before he made eye contact with it, it was looking at him. As soon as he tried to return that gesture, it jolted its eyes away, trying to act like it hadn't been staring. One of its eyes, anyway. The other was obscured by its long, pink hair.
Bubbles looked at it a moment longer, his distressed nose breathing become vocalized for a couple instants, before he returned to staring at the ceiling, and refused to say anything. For a while it remained that way. Bubbles' mind was racing, on matters of being watched in his sleep by a weird monster horse, and of why he was sleeping in a hospital in the first place. Meanwhile, said monster horse was also very anxious. She knew that she had disturbed the patient, and she felt like it was important to apologize, but on the other hand she couldn't bring herself to utter a single phoneme. It remained this way for a very long time, in fact.
Until the doorframe to the hallway was suddenly filled with form, rather than translucent air. Bubbles was shocked, and terrified to see yet another of these beasts appear in the jam, this one an assailing pink, through and through. With hair that had the apparent density of hydrogen gas, in its tangled glory. Then it did something that nearly put Bubbles back into a comatose state.
"Hiyaa Fluttershy! How's that wing doouuiii--" It had spoken, and now it was looking directly at Bubbles with an impossibly large stare. "WHO ARE YOU?!" The creature demanded in a gleeful and ecstatic tone. bolting over to the side of the cart distributor's bed, and bearing down on him.
Bubbles was hyperventilating, and he finally said something. "What in sweet fuck is happening?" He asked the sky.
"Oh dear..." The one addressed as Fluttershy murmured from her adjacent hospital bed.
The pink one gasped in shock, almost as still as Bubbles had been an hour ago. "Holy ravioli, I thought we were TV Y!"
Bubbles was a bit less terrified, and a bit more confused now. "I'm high as fuck. aren't I?"
"Shhhhususshhh!" The pink thing put its hoof over Bubbles' mouth, and he recoiled in caution. "We're not supposed to... Oh, wait!"
"What is it, Pinkie?" Fluttershy asked quietly.
"Medium's different, I guess we can swear now." She shrugged, and then took a deep breath and opened her mouth wide.
"Pinkie, please don't." Fluttershy asked politely.
"But I've never gotten to before!"
Bubbles had shrunken away, and begun to slide off the bed inconspicuously. Soon after he hit the floor, he began crawling toward the door. However, as soon as he placed a frontal limb in front of his face, he shouted in horror.
"Holy frisky fuck! I'm a fucking pirate!" He screamed, brandishing his handless arm.
At that moment a nurse burst into the room, a frantic haze over her eyes and anxiety in her voice. She was carrying several implements of medicine, and then stared Bubbles down menacingly.
"What's going on in here?" She demanded. "I've got 8 CCs of sedative and I'm not afraid to use it!" She pointed the needle at Bubbles, without making any physical contact to the device.
That shut everyone up. They all kind of stared at the nurse with a worrisome expression, save for Bubbles who looked frozen in fear on the floor. He was fucking confused, as one might have presumed. But now he felt threatened so he sat there, motionless, and waited for someone else to do or say something. It took a while, but eventually the nurse spoke up.
"Sorry." Her glare faltered. "I've just been... Going through some stuff, lately." She dropped the needle away from Bubbles. "I apologize for this being so stressful for you, Ponyville Hospital is supposed to be a calm environment to recuperate in. If you'd like to get back in your bed I should check up on you."
Bubbles was still scared, confused, and suspicious. He shook his head violently, and slid backward against the wall from the nurse, while Pinkie pursed her lips in sympathy at him. Then Fluttershy rolled off her bed gently, with a barely audible "Uhm..." and walked over to Bubbles. At first he scurried away from her too, but then she smiled at him softly.
"I... I was there when they brought you in. You were completely catatonic." She explained, while the nurse idly inspected the bandage around her wing and torso. "I was really worried you might not even wake up."
The yellow, winged creature reached out to place a hoof on Bubbles shoulder, her previous anxiety apparently evaporated by sympathy, or duty. As soon as contact was made, Bubbles seemed to calm down notably. When it looked like the nurse might interrupt, Pinkie place a hoof on her shoulder and whispered in her ear. "This is her thing, just let it happen." The nurse stepped down with a nod.
"Please let them take care of you, I'm sure nothing bad will happen." The yellow coated pegasus finished.
Bubbles was now internally conflicted, because he definitely felt compelled to do as this thing asked of him. Now that he saw her up close, she looked kind of cute in an alien way, and Bubbles always had a soft spot for little, fluffy animals. Meanwhile, he still had no idea where he was, his hand was missing, and he had just been threatened by the very nurse who wanted to check up on him. After a second of bartering with himself, he came to a conclusion.
"Well, alright..." He said with a sigh. "But someone's gotta tell me what the fack is goin' on around here, and who's lookin' after my kitties?"
And so, the attempted explanation on the part of the pastel cartoons ensued, taking a long time. This was mostly at the fault of Bubbles, who kept interrupting with obscene exclamations of disbelief.
Meanwhile, Julian had been cantering along the streets of the strange town. It felt odd using his forelimbs for support, and he was certain he looked like a total idiot. However, the populace clearly disagreed, for they paid him little mind. The town itself was a sideshow, everything was wonky and silly looking. The most serious thing Julian had seen was a massive tree, and that had windows and a door cut into it. But it looked more fantastic than silly, at least. Since he had no leads to go on, and the first pony he had asked where he could get a drink from had told him that they’d be happy to introduce him to the town with a cup of tea, he was left to poke at everything in sight. At random.
The tree was curious enough to investigate. At the front door, Julian shifted his weight to stand on three legs, and then thumped the door only half angrily with his off hoof. In seconds, the door opened, and a purple unicorn was standing before him. She was lazily tracing the lines of a hefty book, and only half recognized the stranger’s presence.
“Hey,” Julian started. “What is this place?”
The purple unicorn, likely mare, glanced up for the first time. “O-oh. You’re new here, then?” She seemed embarrassed all of a sudden. “I’m so sorry, I was just expecting Spike back with the cider, not a stranger like yourself!” The way she emphasized stranger, and visually appraised Julian tipped him off quickly. He wasn’t sure exactly what the standards of appearance were to these beasts, but he figured he must have an equivalent physique to his human form.
He made a show of lowering his knocking hoof, aware of the creases in his black shirt shifting around his bulk. “Hang on, did you say cider?”
She was fairly skilled at composure, hiding any subtle impulses she may have had. “Yes, of course. My friend, Applejack, makes and preserves it herself. It would only be fair of me to invite you in for a taste, to welcome you to town. I’m Twilight Sparkle, by the way.” She grinned.
The name felt sickeningly sweet in Julian’s mind as he echoed it mentally. “I’d love to.” He agreed to the proposition. “I’m Julian.”
A lucky stroke. He’d finally located an easy path to at least one drink. To be honest, he had started to theorize alcohol simply didn’t exist in this fucked up world. Cider, of course, was Julian’s sixth favourite drink. He really wanted a rum and coke, but it should do. Especially homebrew, if this Applejack was as skilled as her namesake implied.
As Twilight turned to usher Julian in, still occasionally glancing at the book to read a sentence or two forward, he noticed something peculiar. She had wings. A horn and wings. He’d not noted any others like that.
He was about to ask, but thought better of it. Perhaps it was common knowledge exactly what that meant, and he didn’t want to come off as foreign. Though he suspected his name played a large role in giving that away.
“This is Ponyville Library, and my makeshift abode.” Twilight chuckled. “If you need any reading or research material, this is the place of course. Spike will be back sometime soon, if he doesn't get distracted…” She was rambling, but caught herself. “So, Julian.” She stated the name heavily, like she were weighing it on her tongue. As she sat down on one of the reading chairs on the main floor, she continued. “Where are you from, what brings you to Ponyville?”
“Oh man.” Julian stalled. “Long… Story. I’m just trying to get my bearings for now, at least while I wait to visit my friend in the hospital.”
“Your friend's in the hospital?” Twilight commented in shock.
Julian nodded. “No idea why though. He just went catatonic on the road about 3 minutes out of town.” That sounded suspicious, he needed to follow up. “He was probably just too excited to finally be here. Bubs is easily shocked.” That put her curiosity down.
“Well, I’ve never had to visit myself. But my friend Rainbow Dash spent a good while in there. Recovered quickly, and enjoyed it so much she tried to break back in after!” She laughed, and Julian followed suit. Mostly to keep in good standing with her. “I’m sure he’ll be fine, especially if it's something he’s had and recovered from before.”
“I’m cautiously optimistic, but I trust your doctors are good at what they do.”
The ex-man looked around and was astounded, simply bewildered. The entirety of the tree was hollow, and carved to make rooms, walls, and shelves. Hundreds of shelves, packed with books.
Scanning, he then saw something of use, a globe. Immediately he got up and inspected it, both trying to learn what he could and find a plausible origin for him and his friends.
Griffon lands? He was no griffon. Minotaur kingdom? Also no good. Equestria… That had to be the nation he was in. He scanned over the visible cities hoping to get an answer before he was asked.
“We’re in Ponyville, obviously. Just west of the capital, down the railway.” Twilight chirped happily. Just in time, a name jumped out at him, and she asked. “Find your hometown?”
“Hollow Shades.” It sounded like Sunnyvale, kinda.
Twilight deadpanned, confused. “The… Batpony village?”
Bat… pony? Jesus fuck. He thought.
“Yeah, I-- Adopted. Old bat took care of me like a grandson, you know.”
Twilight’s confusion bubbled into sympathy. “Aww, that’s so nice. The nocturnal barrier is so often a social barrier, its wonderful to hear about things like that.
Your name is a bit strange, no offense, even for Hollow Shades. Do you know where you got it?”
Keep it vague, almost screwed up once already. “No clue. Granny always said she just picked me up off some travelers who couldn’t care for me anymore.”
Twilight was about to sympathize further, when the door was thrust open. On the other side was an exhausted, foot tall wizard carrying two crates of bottles. Immediately it dropped them on the floor inside, and bolted up to the mare.
“Twilight, you gotta come quick! Some maniac’s going crazy at the orchard!”
“Well, what exactly are they doing?” Twilight was shocked, but composed.
“AJ caught him and a raccoon trying to burn a bush down, or something. Now he’s screaming and-- and breaking stuff!”
Julian closed his eyes and groaned. “Ricky you dumb f… Bastard.” Even the backup curse put Twilight off.
“That's my… Brother. Take me there.”
“I can teleport us, if it's an emergency. Get close, both of you.”
And so she prepared to translocate the three of them.
