Elements of Foregiveness part 1: Honesty

It was around five in the morning, almost half an hour before he was awoken, when the bad dreams really started to kick in. It started with something small, with the memory of his confrontation with Trixie playing through his mind. That had been bad enough. Even though he had known it was the right thing to do at the time, he wasn’t so sure now. Had he been too rude? Had he caused more trouble than he had fixed? Should he have apologized? What was wrong with him? The more that he thought about it, the more that Hokey Smokes started to dislike the old him. If it wasn’t his interaction with other ponies, like Trixie, it was his interaction later on with Twilight and Rainbow Dash. Guilt seemed to pile on top of guilt, with the final minutes of the confrontation with Twilight playing through his head a few moments before he felt something touch him. It was at the worst possible time, actually, with the collision of the white-coated mare landing at the same time. At the same time, he also heard a familiar voice.

“Ahlright, it’s time for ya to get up for some good ol’ Applebuckin!” The voice belonged to Applebloom, the kindest of the ponies there. It was true that Applejack didn’t want him dead anymore, and even seemed slightly hospitable, but it still wasn’t the same. Maybe it’s because I didn’t hurt her friend. If I had hurt one of her friends, she likely would have been just as nice as her big sister. And that wouldn’t have made this whole job any better than Applejack’s dislike of me. Eyes opened, Hokey Smokes blinked a couple of times everything came into focus. This wasn’t the dream, this wasn’t where he played through that night again. “Somethin wrong?” Ever perceptive, she seemed to realize that something had happened during the night. A bad dream wasn’t something that he was new to, but guilt was definitely not something that he liked. If this was the old him, he wouldn’t be feeling anything of the sort. If this was the old me, I wouldn’t be as happy, either. I hate the old me. It was almost karmic that he had lost his memories, almost a curse that he had gotten them back. This was, actually, the first time in the past few months that he had thought about them in that way. When he had gotten them back, it had been nothing but happy times for him.

Now some of the bad times were coming to the front, and he didn’t like them.

“It’s nothing, Applebloom.” A hand went to ruffle her mane, but she backed away. “I’m not going to hit you or anything.”

“It’s not that, only mah family gets to do that.”

Family.

This was a subject that Hokey Smokes didn’t like to talk about. Where was his family? What had happened to them? Hadn’t that been why he had started moving around? There had been a couple of months, and he still didn’t know where they were. How was it that they hadn’t looked for him? Were they disappointed by his inability to do basic spells anymore? Had something happened to them that prevented them from looking? That thought was not a pleasant one, and it led to a few tears trailing down his cheek. Immediately, his hoof went to wipe them away. Hokey Smokes hated looking weak, which was obvious, but there was nothing that could be done to stop this. Once something is done, it is almost impossible to undo. Crying is one of those things that are especially impossible, with it being seen and heard by all of those around the pony. His tears elicited a reaction from the young filly, who had a sad look on her face as she stepped forward.

“I didn’t mean ta make ya feel bad.”

“It’s nothing you did, I’m alright.” His reaction was forced down; it wasn’t likely a good idea to tell her that he was currently without a family. How do you explain that sort of thing to a young child? Hokey Smokes wiped a last tear, and then forced a grin. It likely wasn’t convincing, but it was the best that he could do. “Applejack is probably waiting for me.” With that, he turned and started to walk away. This was his quick retreat, the one that didn’t even look like a quick retreat. He only got two steps before he was stopped by some unexpected words.

“Actually, you’re gonna be workin with Big Mac for tha day. Applejack said she had some business in Ponyville.”

Oh joy, this is going to be interesting. I get to work with the pony who won’t want to talk. A glance upward, he realized that he didn’t talk much either. It might actually turn out alright, since he was simply working. All of his concentration was needed for the task at hand, which in this case was magically removing apples from trees. He still wasn’t as good as he wanted to be, but that was something that would change with time. All he had to do was practice, just as he had done when he was a colt in magic school. Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. It was so much nicer than practicing like this, though. It was so much better. By the time that he looked down, he was looking at Big Mac. Might as well get this over with. It might not be too long before the job is done, and I can go elsewhere. Something about this place is making me feel guilty. Then again, I should feel guilty. I did a lot of terrible things. The internal conflict wasn’t going to get externalized, he pushed it down and simply vocalized the question that he knew the answer to. “So, we’re working together?”

“Eeeyup.”

“It won’t take too long, then.”

The red stallion turned, looking at the trees.

“Eeenope.”

Splendid.

With those few words between them, the two of them went out to start the job. There was no time for conversation anyway; they needed to work as hard as they could. Yet, for the life of him, Hokey Smokes couldn’t help but start to ask questions. They started as things he asked himself, but as time went on he became less and less able to prevent himself from vocalizing them. Where had Applejack really gone? Why wasn’t she helping? Why wasn’t Big Mad saying anything? A majority of them were about the same topic, the hard working mare that seemed to be stronger than him. Not to mention that she’s infinitely better to look at than Big Mac. As he thought that, a slight blush appeared on his face. No, that was a bad thought. You do not have those thoughts. You do not. A few moments later, right before the red stallion glanced over, he had forced the brightness from his face. There was no way that he would put himself in the situation where he had to explain himself. Instead, he focused on moving apples. He forced himself to take more with each attempt, trying to find that point where he couldn’t do any more. After that, he was going to try to take a few more.

The only way to get better was to push the boundaries of what was possible.

By now, he could pick up a few more than half. It was progress, but it was slow progress. Each and every apple became a new weight on his mind, a new small piece of a larger headache that was starting to form. Hokey Smokes was getting better at ignoring them, but that wasn’t likely a good idea. He was also becoming better at ignoring everything else, which was definitely not the right thing to do. It hadn’t worked well in the past, and now it turned out that somepony was trying to get his attention. That wasn’t something that he had realized until an apple was pulled from his group. It had a purple aura around it, one that he could have sworn he had seen before. It was only when it hit his head, and caused him to drop the others, that he turned to see that it was the last pony that he had wanted to see. “Twilight Sparkle?” He said, disbelieving that something like this had happened. Why was she there? Had that been the important thing that Applejack had done? By now, he was starting to shake. He wanted to believe that she would forgive him, but he hadn’t apologized. There was also a nagging feeling that a simply sorry wouldn’t mean anything, wouldn’t do anything.

With that thought in mind, he threw himself down on the ground.

“I’m so sorry. I know it probably doesn’t mean anything, but I don’t think I’ve ever done anything to make me feel so bad before.” Eyes looked up at her imploring her to forgive him. Hokey Smokes knew that he didn’t deserve it, but that didn’t mean he didn’t hope for it.

Twilight merely blinked a few times, and then motioned toward town. “Let’s just see about that horn. I’m genuinely curious about what could have happened to you.” No forgiveness yet, maybe he would have to earn it. A reluctant smile was on her face, as if she had been drafted into doing this by one of her friends. “Unless you’d rather just lay there.” That one was obviously a joke, and Hokey Smokes took it as such. He even stood up, starting to walk behind her as they made their way toward the library. Whatever would happen there, he knew that it would likely be interesting.

[Author’s Note: This is the end of Part 1. There will be others.]