Fleetwood Rides Again

"Tonight, on "Fleetwood Rides Again"...."

"There's something down there, Fleetwood, and I don't like it..."

"Luna, I found us a boat!"

"Here they come...."

"Everypony, RUN!"

Fleetwood Rides Again Theme by Enzo Aprile

In a few days, the yacht club would be having their meetup at Lake Wanahoova. Beautiful cabin cruisers would be there, and the even more beautiful marefriends of the owners would be there as well. I was invited, but didn't own a boat. How was I supposed to look respectable without a BOAT?!

"LUNA!" I hollered from the miniature kitchen in the living quarters of the palace, "WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL OF THE MILK?!"

"I don't know!" came a reply from her bedroom, "I think Calais took it all!"

"Why does Calais need an entire carton of milk?"

I imagined her shrug, because I wasn't she was in the room. "Dunno, maybe he wants to get his calcium up?"

"Who knows?" I chuckled, "That guy's crazy.... By the way, you find any boats we could buy?"

"Not yet!"

"Then let's go find one!" I suggested, even though it was 4 AM. . I like to get an early start, and she was on night guard. "There are plently of yacht builders in town!"

She protested a little about leaving during her night guard, but I eventually convinced her otherwise.

We trotted down the stairs quietly, tiptoed through the main hall, out the big, brass doors to her Thunderbird. My two Cadillacs were still in the shop after wrecking them both in the Calais Incident, so we had to use HER car.

"Well," I began as we shut the car doors, climbing inside, "I don't think your Ford's got enough torque to haul a boat trailer, Luna, so I think we should go borrow my cousin Harley's truck. Would that be okay with you?"

"Fleetwood..." she sighed, dipping her head in frustration, "First, you convince me to speak in this occursed newfangled, "new english", then you drag me away from night guard duty, and now, you want me to visit your hillbilly brother?"

"Yeah, that's about right."

"Don't you remember what happened LAST time we were around him and that TRAILER TRASH wife of his? I bet she only married him because he looks like YOU, only dirtier, lazier, and he ISN'T royalty."

The last time him and Luna had met, it had been our wedding. Although not meaning to, Harley had gotten drunk, thrown up all over the hood of Mayor Mare, Wilcox's mother's car, and interrupted the entire celebration. It had left marks on her perfectly maintained Chrysler Cordoba's hood, where paint had dissolved away because of the corrosive nature of stomach acid. It was the most embarassing event of Luna's life.

"RELAX." I soothed, trying to reassure her, "He won't be drunk this time. He only gets drunk on Fridays!"

We both had a quick laugh before setting off on the long drive toward Harley's father's ranch.

****

We got off Equestrian Highway 22 about 70 miles North of Ponyville. If you went farther North, you'd find yourself in the ghost town of West End, which had been populated by the humans when Equestria was a part of the state of Utah, which we were inside, in the middle of the Salt Lake Desert. A few of the buildings at West End that had been in good shape were taken apart and reassembled at Apploosa, where shelter had been desperately needed, but most of the old wooden structures still stood in place, slowly rotting, wasting away.

After driving through the fields of corn for 40 more miles, an old farmhouse came into sight. By now, it was 7 AM, and Harley would be milking his cows.

Our Ford Thunderbird bottomed out as we turned off the main highway, and continued down a gravel road, toward Harley's shop. We passed the shop, and continued down a sloppily-constructed dirt road, that hadn't been used in a long time (Harley had only moved in a couple of weeks ago, the owner of his trailer park didn't like him), and we stopped at the gates of the barn.

Luna was a little nervous to go inside, but I convinced her that Harley didn't have any neighbors, let alone one's like the hillbillies from "Deliverance". We swung open the doors to find Harley's Chevy Apache pickup. We walked around it, toward Harley, who was sitting on a stool, milking the cow.

"FLEET!" he cried with joy, jumping up to hug me, "AND LUNA! It's right nice to see ya!" He then turned back to Luna. "Ah'd hug ya, but ah figured we ain't on good terms after....I messed up you two's weddin' an' all. So, what're ya here for?"

"Harley," I began, putting my arm around him, attempting to use the false, "special buddy" charm I had used on Spike when I was evil, "You know you've been like a brother to me, right?"

"Yeah..."

"And you know that brothers do each other favors, right?"

"Where're ya goin' with this?"

"If you let me borrow your truck, I'll give you 1,000 Bits."

"1000 BITS?!" Harley was overjoyed, "WHERE'D YA GET DAT KINDA MONEY, CUZ?!"

"He came in possession of an enchanted chest," Luna explained, "It was harboring an ancient spirit, but we separated it from the chest, and it just so happens that the spirit's name was CALAIS BROUGHAM."

"You're talkin' 'bout, MY GREAT-GREAT-GREAT GRAMPA CALAIS? FOUNDER of the Brougham Family?!"

"Correct."

"You know what?" Harley seemed like he was about to explode with excitement. "Forget the 1,000 Bits, just take me to 'em sometime!"

"Whatever you say!" I replied as me and Luna got into the old truck, "And keep Luna's Ford outta trouble, okay?"

"SURE THING!"

Luckily, we didn't run into his wife as we drove back up the dirt road. The Great and Powerful Prostitute could be a Great and Powerful PAIN if anything happened without her approval.

We spent all day driving around Canterlot, looking for a yacht builder I liked. All of their boats were beautiful, but they lacked a certain kind of character....Something I couldn't put my finger on..

When we got back to the palace, Calais came running up to us.

"Your majesty....." he panted, wiping sweat off his forehead, "I have urgent news."

"Well?" I prompted, "What is it?"

"Father Night....Wants to see you two, it's important."

We parked the old Apache pickup in the Royal Guard garage, next to an AMC Matador, and headed toward the throne room.

We came in to see Night siting on his throne. I thought for sure this had to do with dinging a royal guard cruiser backing out of a parking lot, but apparently, he hadn't found out yet.

"Fleetwood," he told me, "I haven't told you or Luna yet, but I've been investigating a mysterious entity that's been draining the citizens of Ponyville of their emotions. After a while of investigating, I have determined that it is the work of changelings. I've also noticed that the PV River, a concrete canal nearby has been drained."

"What's your point?" Luna asked him, tipping her head questioningly.

"I want to send your husband down a culvurt to eliminate the clog, which I believe to be the changeling nest."

"You've gotta be kidding?" I chuckled nervously, "You're going to risk your own son in-law down in some CULVERT, to eliminate a nest that might not even be THERE?"

"Yep," Night replied, donning another trollface, "Ain't I fun? By the way, take one of the Royal Guard cars. If you die down there, I might be able to sell your car to a museum."

I was really frustrated that Father Night was making me do his errands. As I walked over to the nearest Matador, (Which I could easily start with my magic) Luna came running up to me, and gave me a hug.

"Fleetwood," she fretted, hugging me even tighter, "I'm worried. If my sister, Celestia couldn't defeat the changelings, then how could YOU?"

I was surprised at how much she was letting her worries get the best of her.

"Luna, that was their QUEEN, and she only beat Celestia because she had gotten energy from Shining Armor. Also, I might have a better chance of winning if I had someone to help me fight her. Would you like to come?"

She agreed, stating that, "Two alicorns is better than one to accomplish the task", and we were off.

****

When we began the journey, I decided to take Mustang Canyon Road. A year before, my car had gone over the railing here, at the hands of Spike the dragon. I couldn't blame him, it was in self defence, for I wasn't in my right mind, and wanted him dead. Miraculously, I had survived, and hitchhiked my way back to Ponyville, after another adventure chasing my ex-wife Derpy through Apploosa country.

"Sweet CELESTIA," Luna groaned, leaning her head out the passenger window, "Art thou attempting to travel as slow as PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE?" I noticed that she was beginning to slip back into the habit of the royal "we", but I said nothing. "The Matador wields a siren and lights, correct? Then USE THEM!"

She had a great point.

I slammed on the gas, flicking the switches to the lights and siren, and began flying down the road. The 401 V-8 roared monstrously as we sped along, echoing off the walls of the canyon, the shrill wail of the siren accompanying it nicely. We rocketed down the familiar road as I pictured Spike and Twilight in their Volvo beside me, racing with me again. Sometimes I still think of those days, working on cars with dad, going out to the Royal Celestian Casino, flirting with who I pleased, but I know I can't relive them, and even if I could, I wouldn't. I was the bad guy, but I changed for the better, and look where it got me! A beautiful, caring wife, unlimited money, a room in the Royal Palace, and maybe some day, a son.

After a few minutes, I slammed on the brakes in shock as we passed a hole in the railing. There were traffic cones around it, but it was there. I stopped the car, Luna staring at me in confusion, walked over to it, and looked down. That's when I realized it:

This is where I came off.

There, down in the bottom of the canyon, lodged between the tall branches of pine trees, was the rusty, but visible shape of a car. A 1951 General Motors LeSabre concept. MY car.

"Fleetwood!" Luna called from the car, waving her hoof to get my attention, "We really must be departing! We have an assignment!"

I hurried back to the Matador, and continued down the road, siren blaring again.

After the long drive to the Bueller Interchange, where we got back on Equestrian Highway 22, still running in the ghost of "Le Trajet de'Lamour", we passed the exit near Plywood Mill Number 2, near where the race had began, passed through the redwoods of Camp Wanahoova, and took an exit in the farmland around Sweet Apple Acres. I took Orchard Road in to Ponyville, and continued down main street, until I turned onto Allen Avenue, and came to the roundabout where Carousel Boutique was located. I passed Ponyville Cadillac-Buick-Chevrolet, which was on 54th street, and whooped the siren at Mel, the head mechanic and a good friend of mine, to greet him. Immediately, when Mel realized it was me, he called Wilcox to come see, for Wilcox had been my OTHER protege',besides Spike, but when he finally got outside, I was long gone. Boy, Wilcox would've never believed it: Fleetwood in an AMC?! WITCHCRAFT!

Luna had fallen asleep by the time we reached the concrete banks of the once-mighty PV River, now reduced to a tiny trickle in the middle of it's hard, cold, paved riverbed.

"Hey, Lulu," I whispered, shaking her gently to wake her, "It's go-time."

I had always wanted to drag race in the PV River, so this was my chance! I slammed on the gas, and the Matador soared over the banks, landing hard on the pavement below, making all four hubcaps bust off as we hit the ground. Luna was woken right up by my recklessness, as I drove at around 100 Miles an hour down the slippery surface. She screamed at me in her Royal Canterlot voice to slow down, but I ignored her, I was having the TIME OF MY LIFE! The Matador handled more crisply than most of the land-yachts I commonly drove, and was great fun to drive as I drifted, import-style around the slight corners of the river. Eventually, my fun had to come to an end, as I spotted a drainage tunnel roughly the size of a two-track railroad tunnel.

"Well," I concluded, slowing down drastically as I neared the opening, "This is it."

As I pulled the little Matador inside, I flicked on the headlights, which only showed about 50 feet ahead of me. The tunnel stretched on and on, but I could barely make out something shining in the light of my car's beams.

"Is that....Chrome shining back there?"

While Luna and I stared at the mysterious reflection, the two changelings Steinmetz and Talloway, known by their colleages as Razorback and Silverwing, glared back in malice. They sat in a 1972 Dodge Polara police interceptor, instead of their usual '71 Impala, which they had totaled pursuing ME. Now, they wanted revenge.

"The spy in Canterlot Palace was quite efficient," Talloway hissed, looking at the dashboard clock, "They arrived EXACTLY as predicted."

"Everypony knows Fleetwood loves to take the backroads," Steinmetz added, wiping the steering wheel clean with her handkerchief, "That gave the queen plenty of time to dispatch US to defend the nest!"

I jumped in surprise as a jet black Dodge Polara with an emerald green police flasher raced out of the shadows. I quickly threw the Matador in reverse, and began rapidly reversing out of the tunnel. The Polara snapped at my heels, slamming heavily into my grille, and shattering both car's headlights on impact. The only light I could make out then was from the tunnel behind me, and the flasher of my changeling pursuer. As the light flashed and bounced off the tunnel walls, I could make out the light blue eyes of Steimetz and Talloway glittering in anticipation of their next feeding. Luna screamed in horror, and hugged me tight, awaiting her doom, when we raced out of the giant arch of the sewer, and onto the riverbed again.

****

I slammed on the gas again, racing down the length of the river, with the Polara right behind me. When it became clear that it would take a while to shake them, I decided to call on the the guard car's C/B for help.

"Hello?" I yelled into the microphone frantically, "HELLO?! Any Ponyville Police, PLEASE HELP! My name is Fleetwood Brougham, and I'm being chased by a black....1972...DODGE, ER, POLARA! I have royalty in the car, Princess Luna herself, PLEASE ASSIST, A.S.A.P.!!!!"

Two officers on coffee break in the break room at Ponyville Police Station heard me: Officer Quince Fruit and officer Flegel Horn went rushing to their police cruisers, a '75 Dodge Coronet and a standard-issue '77 Dodge Monaco, and took off in different directions. Quince headed straight for the river, while Flegel took off toward Ponyville Cadillac-Buick-Chevrolet.

Wilcox, Snips, Snails, Mel and my dad were playing a game of cards in the back shop, when they heard the whooping of a police cruiser rapidly approaching. A Dodge Monaco burst through the shut garage door, and out lept Flegel, Wilcox's Highway Patrol brother, who had deputized him, so he may take Wilcox out on patrol anytime he wanted.

"WILL!" he exclaimed, running straight up to the tan earth pony, "There's trouble! Fleetwood Brougham, you know, that scumbag who used to be your boss, is being attacked by CHANGELINGS in the canal!"

"MR. BROUGHAM?!" Wilcox knew he had to save me, I was his hero. He grabbed a shotgun hanging in Dad's office, for warding off the countless environmentalists who hated our products, and hopped right into his brother's car, carelessly smashing the window as he entered.

"I'll blow each and every on of those changelings FULL OF HOLES!" he roared, loading the double-barrel, "Come on, brother, LET'S ROLL!"

"Go get 'em, Wilcox!" Eldorado rallied, as the two jumped into the squad car, "GO GET MAH SON!"

While Wilcox, Flegel and Quince all raced to meet me, I had begun to consider giving up. Steinmetz and Talloway had been TRAINED to drive on tough surfaces, and I was yet again losing ground to them. I was sure we were done for, when I saw Luna open her door, lean out, and turn around to face them.

"You once took my niece's husband's heart," she growled, "You then took the my niece altogether. YOU EVEN TOOK MY FATHER'S HEART ONCE! BUT NOW, THOU SHALT FEEL THE WRATH OF THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT! BEHOLD, CHANGELINGS, MY ALMIGHTY POWER!"

A beam of midnight blue magic shot from her horn, and flew straight into the changeling Polara, smashing it's windows, destroying the siren, puncturing all four tires, and causing the entire car to explode into flame. It flew high into the air, and landed with a crash, causing all four quarter panels and all four doors to fly off into the walls of the concrete riverbank. I heard the siren of the black car warp lower and slower, until it was inaudible. The two cop cars arrived just in time to see the spectacular fireworks display, and were quite relieved that we were both okay, especially Wilcox.

"Is there anything you need, Mr. Brougham?" He pestered me, "Is there any job I can do?!"

"Well," I confessed, "We might need some help from you, your brother, and that mare over there with destroying a changeling nest."

"Then why are you standing around?!" Flegel  snorted impatiently, "Let's go kick some ass!"

"Wait." I paused, and trotted over to Luna. "Luna, thank you SO MUCH for saving my life. I love you."

"I love you too, Fleetwood."

We embraced for a moment, and then started toward the tunnel, fearing the critical response to bad shipping.

As we passed the wreck of the burning Dodge, on our way back to the tunnel, I spotted the two occupants pulling themselves from the car, themselves ablaze as well. I decided not to worry about them anymore, and turned my attention to the main focus of the mission: The nest.

Steinmetz winced in pain as the fire began to overtake her. Withstanding the pain, she reached back into the car, and removed the C/B radio. She clutched the microphone, and began to send a transmission back to the Queen.

"Thi-This is...Razorback and Silverwing..." she reported shakily, "My Queen, hostiles....Inbound. Send help, unit down, UNIT DOWN!" She had a spasm of movement, and, eyes closing, collapsed on the riverbed. Her partner, Talloway helped her into a puddle of water in the center, and began to work to keep her alive.

When we got to the tunnel, Quince and Flegel parked their cruisers in front of the entrance, forming a roadblock. Guns drawed, and alicorn magic readied, all five of us began slowly advancing into the tunnel, ready for anything.

As we journeyed farther in, we passed garbage strewn about, such as stripped cars, newspapers, cans, rappers, etc. . Soon, a neon green began from up ahead, and I found myself in the wake of a huge, paddle-wheel steamer.

"Oh, my NIGHT!" I exclaimed, hopping up on the bow, "This is the USS Greenbrier! Do you have any IDEA how long I've been trying to find this thing?! Oh, my dad even rented SCUBA-DIVING EQUIPMENT, and scoured the riverbed for it!"

I began to calm down, nostalgia being replaced by the fact only half of the ponies I was with cared. Wilcox was the more excited of the two, eager to hear the story, with Luna just being in confusion.

I sighed. "I guess I'd better tell the story....

"In July of 1865, 2 months after the American Civil War, Equestria was discovered by Federal soldiers. The US agreed to send gold to Canterlot, to help with rebuilding, because we were occupied by the South  during the war. On the leg of the trip from Dodge Junction to Ponyville, a side-wheel paddle steamer named the Greenbrier was chosen. It was lost, while attempting to dock upstream from here, and the intense current before the river was dammed shoved it down here. They must've accidentally made the drainage tunnels OVER it!"

Toward the end of the long ramble, even WILCOX had lost interest in my story. "Alright, story's over, let's go." I pointed to the hole in the hull, where the glow was eminating from.

"S-so, we have to go in THERE?" Quince stammered, "The entire thing could collapse on top of us! We could get drained of our EMOTIONS! There's something in their, Fleetwood, and I don't like it."

"Oh, don't be such a coward," Luna told her, leading the way, "You coming, Fleetwood? I would hate to leave thee alone in the sewer..."

"Yeah, I'm coming."

I stepped inside, to see the entire ship was still in good shape. We were currently standing in the boiler room,in front of us lay the massive boiler, and some metal stair up to the deck level. I decided to head up onto deck-level, horn still charging, as I anticipated encountering a huge swarm of changelings, but I found the deck empty. The green glow was still eminating from one of the cabins, it was clear where we had to go now.

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Since we hadn't encountered any changelings besides Steinmetz and Talloway, Quince was starting to believe there WERE no changelings.

"This is bullshit," she muttered, casually opening the door to the ballroom of the ship, "They probably flew the coop once they heard that Dodge explode!"

We were all too petrified in fear to tell her what was inside, as she was looking back at us in confusion.

"What? What the heck's the matter with you all?"

Finally, Luna and Wilcox raised their hooves, and pointed toward the doorway. Quince turned around, and found herself face-to-face with hundreds of changelings, all with the same malevolent grin.

"What do I do now...?" she whispered.

"I dunno, YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE REVOLVER, SHERLOCK!"

The deck EXPLODED into fighting, as we tried to gun down the endless supply of changelings. After a few seconds, they were able to overwhelm us, and we were cut off from each other, condemned to hoof-on-hoof combat with the beasts. Me and Luna were able to lift ourselves out of a pile of them that had pinned us down, quite unsuccessfully, and ran to help the others, although, on the way, we were intercepted by MORE CHANGELINGS.

Eventually, with intermittent blasts of magic between the punches we threw, we were able to get the three earth ponies back on their feet.

As most of the changelings ran away, I found an increasing number with badges, armed with shotguns. These were officers of the Everfree Forest Highway Patrol, much like Steinmetz and Talloway. As I felt a spray of buckshot whistle past, I decided we couldn't withstand their fire on the wide open deck.

Using all of my magical strength, I managed to construct a magical barrier around us, and, taking shots at them, we managed to push the officers back up the deck, and send them fleeing into the bowels of the ship.

*Music stops*

"Oh, man...." I panted, Luna and will running to my side to support me, "That HURT...."

"Come on, Fleet," Luna encouraged, "We gotta take out that nest, let's keep moving..."

As we trotted down the deck, we found the ship began to disappear, taken hold by a huge changeling nest connected to the stern.

"It's pretty strong," I mused, "Hell, Luna, if we could patch up the hole in the hull, and plant charges on that nest, we might be able to make it shoot outta here like a torpedo, and have it as a yacht, like we were talking about!"

"I don't know..." she countered, "The entire thing's made of wood, and it's been rotting for over 100 years. Shouldn't we be the least bit concerned?"

"Trust me," I replied, staring into her eyes, "It will be safe."

Soon, I had magically generated some C-4 charges, and Flegel, having served in the Ponyville Bomb Squad at a time, strategically positioned them in the green slimy mesh, so that the ship would suffer minimal damage to the stern.

Me and Luna were in the bridge, where the captain would usually sit and pilot the ship, when Wilcox, Quince and Flegel finally returned.

"It's done," Flegel reported, "We're all set."

"Then, HIT IT, MAN!"

We all found something to hold onto: Wilcox took the ship's wheel, Flegel took the doorframe, Quince took the other doorframe, and me and Luna....Took eachother.

"Alright". Flegel began the countdown.

"FIVE!"

"FOUR!"

"THREE!"

"TWO!"

"ONE!"

"Wait," Wilcox muttered, "If all our squad cars are blocking the entrance, won't they be destroyed by the sh-"

BOOM!

I felt the rush of acceleration meet me as the ship soared free with the rush of the water, eager to escape the prison of the nest that had been blocking it's flow. I could hear the entire ship creaking with the stress of the force, and I was worried it would come apart, and leave us all to drown, but the end of the tunnel was nearing. I could see the light of day, and the flashing lights of the parked cruisers getting closer, and closer, and CLOSER, until...I couldn't see ANYTHING!

As I wiped my eyes from the intense light, I found we were outside. The PV River was slowly refilling, the two Chryslers and the Matador were floating alongside the ship, and the sky was blue. The clouds had burned off while we were inside the tunnel, and it seemed Celestia's sun was welcoming us back to the surface, congratulating us on our victory over the changelings.

"Alright, guys," I chuckled, pointing to the banks of the river, "How are we gonna get this thing TO SHORE? We don't have any steam!"

"We'll figure that out later." Luna then gestured to the three cops, still holding their guns. "You three, find those changeling officers that ran earlier." They nodded, and ran off, out of the bridge to find the two cowards.

She then turned her attention to me, and then looked around the mess that used to be the Greenbrier. Paint had chipped over it's time at the bottom, furniture was overturned; the ship was a wreck. "You really think we can clean this old thing up, Fleet?"

"I know I can," I told her, "I cleaned myself up, didn't I?" I took a moment to remember how I used to be: Greedy, arrogant, deceiving. After the revelation I had received from above, I strove to become a better pony, and it sure paid off. This ship was a metaphor for me: It was in bad shape, but it could change. "Luna, I think we just found our new boat...."

Chrysalis sat in her throne room, reading the local paper, "The Everfree Tribune". The headline read, "Hundreds Injured in Greenbrier Incident, Sheriff Killed". This wouldn't work, Steinmetz and Talloway couldn't run the department by themselves. Sure, they were wonderful in combat, but, without proper instruction, they were BLITHERING IDIOTS! She thought about the situation a little bit more, and then came to a definite conclusion.

Picking up the telephone that sat by the sofa on which she lounged, and dialed for the operator.

"Get me the Everfree City Police," she ordered, and was soon patched through to her girls in blue, Officers Steinmetz and Talloway.

"Listen, you two," she instructed, "Go to Ponyville. Find a retired lawman. Bring him to ME, GOT THAT?"

Hanging up, she began to think of a suitable one, and then remembered a Unicorn she saw guarding the magical shield during the Canterlot Royal Wedding, a few months before. He was a thin one, with tan fur, a gray mane, the silhouette of a badge for his cutie mark, and the greenest eyes she had ever seen.

Come to think of it, his eyes had more of a blue-green much like her's.

WAIT A MINUTE!

That was the color of a changeling's eyes while IN DISGUISE! But, she had none of her minions positioned there, and this middle-aged officer had been INSIDE the forcefield!

Could that mean that there was a lawman who DESCENDED FROM CHANGELINGS?

To Be Continued in ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE of, "Fleetwood Rides Again"!

Ending theme:

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