The Unusual Tale of a Human Thief in Equestria

An Unlikely Hero.

Prologue – Crash landing.

"Fuck".

And that kids is what happens when you parachute into a heavily forested area without heeding the advice of your instructor. You get stuck in a tree. Great idea man, parachuting down in the middle of a forest with nothing but survival gear for a vacation, out of all the lessons I should've learned on my 26 years of existence, you would think ‘Listen to the professional’ would be one of them.

Guess it is now.

Well now I got to get down from here, so I unsheathe my knife and start to cut away the parachute while ignoring the throbbing pain from my shoulders, not even half an hour in and I already got the first injury of the trip. This is going to be a lot of fun.

Luckily the fall isn’t that big so I’m able to get down safely without adding anymore injuries.

Okay, time to get my bearings, it’s a long trek ahead and I need to make sure I know where I am and which direction I should go. I take out my compass and realize I am... everywhere? The center of the magnetic pole? Great! My compass broke. Amazing, two options left now, the emergency GPS tracker or the sun, well I don’t want to resort to technology just yet, so let’s check the sun, there must be a clearing somewhere where I can view it.

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Guess what? Turns out, there isn’t one.

After an hour of walking around I realize that it’s either climb a tree and try to get a view from above the foliage or keep walking around aimlessly. Not a fan of the latter really, hope those shoulders will let me climb.

I look around for a tall and sturdy tree to climb, don’t want to climb up to find out that the tree is too short or that there are no more safe footing to stand in and have to go down and start again after all.

After a couple of minutes of careful climbing I finally break through the foliage and gaze upon the open sky. What I see makes my blood chill, right there in front of me is the sun. And the moon. Together, at the same time, with half the sky being night and the other half being day, pretty sure that’s not supposed to happen, especially when it’s one o'clock in the afternoon and the last time I saw the sky, which a most two hours ago, there was only the good old big ball of fire up there.

Seriously, what the fuck? This isn’t supposed to be possible, maybe there's some kind of weird astrological phenomenon going on, or I was unconscious longer than I thought?

No that can't be it, I would have heard about it while researching this area for the drop or my watch would be marking more than a few minutes of difference from when I jumped to when I woke up.

Which to be fair seemed like a much shorter drop than it should. Weird, But back to the really fucked up shit at hand.

How the fuck does the sun show up in the sky and I can still see stars?! What the fuck is wrong with this place?!

All right dude, this is not the time to freak out, you are alone in the middle of a forest with no communication to the civilized world and a limited amount of supplies, one hunting rifle and knife. Now is the time to forget the weird shit, and keep moving towards your destination. So, since nature and the universe are basically flipping me off right now, I’m going to rely on my trusty GPS device and try to find a way out of here.

I find a stable position on the tree branch with my back against the tree's trunk and open up my backpack in search of my one ticket out of this forest of madness where the laws of physics apparently are not that reliable

Picking it up I hold it above my head and let the machine do its work as it searches for the satellite signal and tries to triangulate my position... Or something sciensy like that, I have no idea how this works but I’ve seen enough movies to make an educated guess.

The screen says it’s searching for a while. When it finally finishes I realize that the universe is in fact flipping me off, while it twirls its mustache and laughs maniacally.

No signal.

No fucking signal.

I must have spent a long time up there, trying to figure out just how fucked I am right now. But hey! I can’t tell! Want to know why? Because the sun and moon are just hanging out up there, not moving an inch. Must be a tea party or something. Wonder what’s the conversation about? Maybe Uranus is being an ass. Get it? God I’m going nuts.

But hopefully I’m pulled away from my musings by a voice, the voice of a small child.

"Twilight?"

Twilight? Maybe he's seen the sky too... I know little guy, pretty fucked up.

I look around trying to find its source but it seems to be coming from a bit ahead in the forest.

"Twilight! Hang on! I'll go get the girls!"

Wait a second... He's not talking about the sky, it’s a name. Twilight is a name! Holy shit, who names their kid like that? The poor thing must have had the hardest high school years ever.

Anyway... Back to the matter at hand

Looks like someone is in trouble, well I am a sucker for a damsel in distress (At least I hope it’s a damsel), so I guess it’s time to leap into action! I didn’t bring these stuff just for show you know? Jumping out of an airplane with a rifle on your back is kinda tough to waste it on looking cool... Ok no its not, but I do know how to shoot it.

Bolting into action I make my way down the tree using one of those weird looking vines I keep seeing everywhere, and land safely on the ground, I then start running off to the direction of the voice with my rifle ready. Whatever was happening I just needed to hold down the fort while the kid went to get reinforcements.

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It doesn’t take long for me to find a clearing. You know? Like the one I’ve been looking for a while? Flipping me off I tell you. Flipping. Me. Off.

Anyway, time to meet my damsel, hopefully she is hot, and grateful, very grateful. Ok, let me see, passed out purple horse. Weird facehugger plant things. Nope, no damsel in distress... Wait. Purple horse? Facehugger plants? What the actual fuck? That horse has wings! And facehugger plants? What?

I got to be hallucinating, got to be it, some really weird shit, mushrooms or something, got to be that. No way is this happening right now.

But then again, this feels too real, I don’t know, maybe I’m not going crazy and this is really happening right now. For all I know an innocent mythical creature is about to get killed by killer facehugger plants, and you know what? After all the weird shit today I kinda feel like shooting something up.

Screw this I’m going in, maybe the horse is the kid's pet or something and that's the reason for the weird name, somehow it fits her. Her? Looks like a ‘her’. For some odd reason.

After careful deliberation, I lift the rifle, aim, and shoot.

My first pullet pierces through the first plant, it explodes leaving behind a green goo, and the other four facehuggers take notice of my attack and turn to me shrieking like freaking banshees. And there goes the element of surprise, one of the monsters bolts towards me clamping its... mouth? Whatever, it’s dangerous, get out of the way!

I jump to the side dodging it by mere seconds, but it stops mid tackle and uses its vine-like body to try to wrap itself around me. Fuck, these things are smarter than they look, my finger squeezes the trigger by instinct and another shot is fired, this one way too close to my head causing a deafening ring in my ears.

It starts to coil itself around me trying to trap and crush me, no way buddy, I grab my knife and start hacking away at it, rather clumsily since its holding my arms close to my body, but it’s still effective and after a short while, it shrieks in pain and severs in half, covering me in that green sticky goo and.. What? What is this pink mist coming out of it?

The hell? It’s trying to poison me! Little bastard!

I get away from it before I inhale any more of it, but it’s too late I can already feel its effects, mind getting hazy, world spinning, loss of balance.

I extend my arms at my sides to regain the lost control and my breathing gets heavier, it must be what it’s done to the horse, god damn it.

before the rest of them can finish me off and lay its eggs on my thorax, however, five other horses jumps out and I shit you not proceed to freaking run around them getting all the others tangled up in a big knot just like in a cartoon, if I wasn’t so busy having a very bad time trying to stay up I would be freaking out a little bit.

One of my legs gives out and falls to its knee, I lift my head to realize I’m standing between the new horses and the purple one, never expected to say this, maybe it’s the poison. But... they don’t look happy. In fact they look mad, at me? Crap.

One moves towards me, I see its lips moving. Almost like it’s... Speaking? No way, just... No.... way....

But I can’t hear anything, no sounds, no noises, just my vision fading as I drift off into unconsciousness.

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"Well, we can’t trust it! Maybe it’s on their side! Whoever they are!"

I hear a scratchy female voice speaking close by.

"Then why was it fighting them darling? Perhaps it was just trying to help and got hurt"

Well, looks like we have a lady on the house.

"Ah don’t know Rares, Ah don’t even know what it is, for all we know it could be just another creepy thing brought here by whoever foalnapped the princesses"

That sounds like a southern accent. Time to wake up and thank my rescuers, kinda uncomfortable here in the grass. Ok dude, let’s make a good first impression, and say something witty and charming.

"Did anybody get that truck's plate?"

Wow, clichéd as fuck, so clever buddy.

I opened my eyes and see something not too comforting.

It’s the six horses, seems like the purple one got up and is ok now, its wearing a weird tiara too. With a purple star on top of it. Weird. They are all staring at me, a mix of emotions on their faces, the cyan one with the rainbow mane looks angry and suspicious, really? Rainbow mane? Wow, that must cost a fortune in dyes, anyway she and the rest have necklaces on, each with a different symbol and color, and hers is a red lightning bolt. The orange and blonde one in a... Stetson? Dear god this is insane, anyway it looks like it doesn’t quite know what to do, and her necklace has an orange apple in it. Then there is the white and purple ones, they just look intrigued, and the white one has a violet mane and a purple diamond on its necklace, but that’s not the important part. They got horns. Horns. Unicorns, right in front of me, no wait, and the purple one also got wings. Alicorn? If I’m remembering my mythology correctly it should be. Then there is a yellow pegasus with a pink mane, with a butterfly of the same color as her mane on its necklace, looking absolutely frightened behind the cyan one, that I just realized is also a pegasus. And lastly we have the pink bouncing one, not kidding its actually bouncing up and down in place with a big grin in its face, this one has a blue balloon. And lastly a small purple lizard with green spikes running along its spine.

I get up slowly trying to make no sudden movements, that poison must be pretty weak since I’m pretty much ok by now. When I get to my full height I realize they are pretty small for horses, in fact most of them seem to get up to my shoulders with the horned ones getting to my chin, actually the purple one is the tallest, its horn gets a bit over my head. God damn it that thing is sharp, I bet it could pierce me like I’m made of freaking paper.

"Alright horseys, be good little buddies and stay calm, I’m just going to get up and look for your owners, all right?" I say in a calm, collected manner that completely contradicts the 70% of my mind that’s screaming in panic right now.

"Owners? Who the hay do you think we are you freak?"

That scratchy voice. It belongs to the blue pegasus. No. Fucking. Way.

I hardly have any time to ponder on the implications of that before she head-butts me into the ground knocking out the wind in my lungs, she stands on top of me with her fore legs on my chest preventing me from standing up.

"All right! Now you're going to tell me what you want with my friend Twilight. And I better like those answers freak!"

All right. That does it.

I can hear the others reprimanding her, I don’t care. This is the last straw.

It’s trapping my chest, not my arms. Dumb move. With a grunt I punch it square in the jaw knocking it out of me just enough so that I can get out from under it. I can hear the others gasp, and out the corner of my eye the orange one looks like it’s getting ready to fight.

"Don’t call me freak you fucking overgrown chicken!"

She regains her balance and rubs her cheek with a hoof

"All right that’s it! Get ready for the beating of your life"

Let’s do this, remember, feet apart, fists up and... What am I doing? It’s a colorful pegasus. "Ok look, I’m not fighting you. We obviously got started on the wrong foot... er... hoof I guess"

She looks even more fierce and determined now. It’s actually kinda cute.

"Oh no way buddy, you just bought yourself a fight, now take it like a stallion" She leaps towards me, ok this is happening I am officially in a fight with a rainbow maned pegasus. She is getting closer and then just... Stops? Is she hovering? Her tail is surrounded by a purple glow and it’s like the rest of her is just hanging off of it. This can’t be right.

I look over to the rest of them and it looks like they noted my awed expression as I realize the purple alicorn from earlier has the exact same glow on her horn. No way, is she doing this?

"Hi, sorry for that, Rainbow can be a bit of a hothead sometimes." she says in almost an embarrassed tone.

Holy shit she is doing this!

"My name is Twilight Sparkle, These are Rainbow Dash" she says shaking her friend a bit before putting her down (She is crossing her fore legs and pouting! God this is cute), “Applejack", the pony in question gives her hat a little tap. "Rarity", she does a little bow, "Fluttershy" she squeals and proceeds to hide behind someone again, "And... Pinkie Pie".

On that last one however my world is filled with pink, before two bright blue eyes pop out of it.

"Hi I’m Pinkie Pie, but Twilight already said that! And you're new and I really mean new! Everything about you is new you got a weird new body and a weird new face and a weird new everything"

I take a step back before recollecting myself (I may have let out a slightly girly scream)

"Ummm thanks... I guess?" God this is uncomfortable "Can you, umm, stay a couple of steps away please?" I ask in a pleading tone.

"Okie dokie lokie" She says with another big grin and takes two steps backwards.

"Soooooo" The pur-- Twilight resumes. "Pinkie can be a little overwhelming at times, but she means well." She reassures me, I think she noticed just how frightened I am, crap. Don’t want it showing. “This one is Spike, he’s kind like my little brother.” The little lizard thing just awkwardly waves a hand at me, looks like just a little kid.

"And, what’s yer name?" Asks Applejack suspiciously. She is even stepping forward a bit, seems like they are starting to warm up a little as they see I’m not looking for a fight.

Wow, this is it, either I’m dreaming or this is real, and if its real this is first contact, my myths and stories right in front of me. This is going to be very weird. And will require me to play along with the hallucinations, because let’s face it. There is no way this is real.

Right?

"Janos, the name is Janos" I say, unsure of my own mental health.

The pink one gasps again, "Janos?! Even your name is completely new! Oh oh oh, Can I call you Jay?" She asks completely elated by the alien in front of her.

"No" My answer came out a bit more rudely than I intended.

She actually seems taken aback by that, seems like no one ever refused something like that before. Gee, I wonder why?

"Why not?" She asks carefully, almost like she is dreading the answer.

"Because only my friends get to call me that".

I think I broke the small pink horse.

Author's Note

Whelp, there it is. After days of internal debate over whether I should actually publish this or not, the happy voice won in the end.
Its my first story so bear with me here people, all constructive criticism is appreciated and any help is very much welcome, I will do the best I can here but I am not a native speaker and although my English is very good, some issues will probably arise.
Thanks for the patience and any help you guys throw my way.