Through the Dagobah Bump of Another World

Once upon a time, there was a totally black rapper named Vanilla Ice. He was a dope mofo. He made pimpin’ ass beats and got all of the bitches, no matter what they skin color. Eminem wanted to be like Vanilla Ice, but he could not, for he sucked.

One day, Vanilla, who shall now be refered to as Icey, he was running later to a concert, and had to hop in his Vanilla-mobile. It was pretty fuckin’ pimp man. It had plastic rims and shit. They were bedazzled. The car was also very bouncy because he had his ese trick it out..

His ese was none other than, BOSS NIGGER. THIS “BOSS NIGGER” WAS BLACK, HE WAS BRUTAL, AND HE WAS THE ONLY NIGGA THAT ROLLED INTO A WHITE MAN”S TOWN. IN THIS WHITE MAN’S TOWN, HE AND Icey BROUGHT BLACK LAW TO THIS WHITE MAN’S TOWN. THEY WERE BOTH PART DEVIL, ALL BLACK, AND ALL MAYUN.

When they arrived at the concert, they saw Milli Vanilli mangling Icey’s steamy white flow!

“OMG WTF Milli? You be trippin’ son! Y’all better check yo self before y’all wreck yo’self!” Icey shouted at him.

Milli replied, full of venom and disdain, “Man! This ain’t yo song! This is 100% legit! All us, baby!” Icey was full of raeg at this response, but BOSS NIGGER was there to chill his titties.

BOSS NIGGER spoke calmingly, “Man, Icey, chill yo ass out. These BITCH NIGGAS, ain’t got shit to they name. They is some hoes. Fuck dey asses homeboy, lets get da fuck out of here. Lets work on some pimpin beats and fuck white bitches. This shit ain’t worth it.”

“FUCK NO! We are gonna do dis shit now! I’m callin’ an EPIC RAPPIN’ AND DANCIN’ BATTLE up in da hizouse!” Icey replied to BOSS NIGGER, who was the master of such ceremonies.

Milli Vanilli sneered at Icey and BOSS NIGGER and Icey glared back, daring Milli to even try any o’ dat fag shit. BOSS NIGGER rose like the baddest, motherfuckin’ sheriff of the whitest town to ever crave delicious mayonnaise. Milli Vanilli wanted to step out after that, but their pride as original rappers was at stake. Rising up, they went first, and sang,

“UHHH, BITCH I LOOK LIEK GOKU, BITCH I LOOK LIEK VEGETA...” the song went on, making people burst into flames at the horror that was unleashed by their mangled flow. They summon the shady forces of Rap to the stage, polluting the world with bullshit. A chasm opened up, bringing forth true evil with their DOUBLE BLASTERS. That shit was painful nigga.

“Use the white flow Icey, it’s the only way to stop dis fake shit.” BOSS NIGGER proclaimed. Icey began his own dance, and sang the song of his people to block out this evil.

“FROSTY THE SNOWMAN, WAS A JOLLY, HAPPY SOUL. NIGGA WAS BUSTIN’ BITCHES, AND GAVE OFF A CHILLIN’ FLOW.” Icey used his TUSKEN RAIDER to fend off the shady spirits of Rap.

“HE BE SPITTIN’ RHYMES, MAKIN’ DEM BOOTIES CLAP, AND NEVER BE PAYIN’ OFF THOSE FINES FOR HIS CRIMES” Icey was forced to use a KAMINO WAVE to close up the chasm, and keep out the evil beats.

Suddenly, enormous, black, gorilla hands tore open the chasm, and out from this gaping black hole came Gucci Mane. His chapped-ass lips and his dumbass ice cream tattoo terrified the clubbers and the concertgoers. At least fifteen people pissed and shit their pants due to pure terror. The pure pressure of his unholy flow brought our heroes to their knees. Gucci bellowed and shook the walls of the concert,

“BURR BURR”. BOSS NIGGER stood up, and used his unbreakable flow to hold Gucci back.

“Quick, I’ve got dis nigga, use the final technique to forever banish dis bitch nigga to the land of shitty flows!” BOSS NIGGER ordered.

“But I can’t, if I do, you’ll be banished too!” Icey told BOSS NIGGER, fearing for his life.

“It’s okay mah nigga, I’ll be strong enough to handle dat weak ass shit. I’mma be back for the sequel, it cool son.” BOSS NIGGER was ready to take it in the face. He wasn’t gonna pull out. He’s got his MAYUN PANTS on. Icey knew this was the only way. He prepared his ultimate technique, which was forbidden to a galaxy far far away. Icey unleashed his battlecry.

“DAGOBAH BUMP NIGGA!” Icey faced left brought both his arms down, and clenched his hands into fists. He then leaned into this position, making his sexy pelvis hump the air. The glorious move was repeated multiple times, calling forth The Scions of Tight Flow. They were Biggie, Tupac, Will Smith, and DMX. Xzibit was busy fuckin’ a white bitch, so it was understandable that he was not here.

“Grandmaster Icey, we have been called forth by you to wreck Gucci’s shit. LET US BEGIN THE SHIT BUSTIN’ NIGGA!” And so they whipped out their brass knuckles and proceded to start the nigga bustin’. Icey sent out flow blast while maintaining the DAGOBAH BUMP, and it was causing him to glow black and yellow, with some green and purple in there. You gotta get the daily dose after-all. Gucci couldn’t handle his flow bein’ hit like this, and was forcibly moved into the Land of Shitty Flow, taking BOSS NIGGER with him, never to be seen again until the sequel. The day was saved. But where was our Dark Knight? All that was left where he used to be was a smoking crater, filled with that kush. The crowd was shocked, but went for the kush. Gotta get that daily dose after-all.

Icey was floating in an African-American void. Then, he saw the face of the blackest man in the universe, Neil Degrasse Tyson. Icey was forced to bow at this great figure.

“Yo, you be chillin’ wit dat mah son. Dat shit ain’t me. Now rise, and listen to dis shit.” Neil said, before handing Icey an ipod. On it were the hymns of the Multiverse, the flow from which all flows, good and bad erupted from. Icey was empowered from listening to dat dope shit. His flow became tighter, and less mangled. He knew he could lead the charge against The Forces of Deswaggering. Icey was about to send himself home, but was stopped by Neil.

“Chill yo titties niggah. I’mma send you on vacation, while I deal wit some of dat shit. You’re needed in a little place called Equestria.” Neil told Icey, before using his flow to open up a portal and dropkicked him into it. Icey’s head hurt. All he felt was blinding pain. He promptly blacked right the fuck out.

After what felt like a long ass fuckin’ time Icey regained his sight, though it was a bit blurry. He promptly checked out his junk (for that is one of a rapper’s main assests) and he found a plump-ass marshmallow behind right up on his wang area. Icey grinned to himself,

"Swaaaag."

____________

Vinyl was unsure of what had just happened. This strange, clearly black stud of a beast somehow landed on her flank after falling from the sky, She wasn't entirely sure what he was, but he seemed pretty swag. All things considered, she was pretty okay with this. Vinyl turned to him, and said,

"'Sup stud, I'm Vinyl Scratch, and what the hell are you supposed to be?"

"Yoyoyo mah homie, dey be callin' me Vanilla Ice, but you can call me Icey. Mah species, which is clearly different than your's, is human. I am an African-American of mah species" Icey's strange manner of speaking confused Vinyl, but she gave no fucks about that.

"How about I take you into my home, and then we can chat about this in detail at my crib, and I'll call up my roomie too so I can set it up, and let you stay?" Vinyl suggested to the black rapper.

"Sounds pretty swagalicious of you to do dat Sweet thang. if y'all don't mind me askin' about you, what do you do for a living?" Icey asked.

"Oh," she started, "I'm a DJ. I play music for ponies."

"Badical! I'm a musician, who comes up with his own material! I got here because of an event where posers took mah shit and mangled the flow. I'll tell you all about it later, because fidteen minutes have somehow passed, and we are at your tight ass crib." Icey told her. They both knocked on the door, waiting for Vinyl's roomie to bust that door open...