Merasmus reads over the bombnomicon and Trixie stared at her book of magic "Mind passing Trixie her book of archaic mumbo-jumbo?"

With a snap of fingers, a book appears next to her "Thanks."

"Pass Merasmus his soda please." the bottle floats over to him "Thank you Trixie."

This is how their days go, either that or arguing about who deserves to be called "Great and powerful" by themselves.

But not this day.

The cart rocks as a loud explosion rips through the contemplative silence, startling the powder-blue unicorn and her tall human partner

"What in the name of Bonzo is going on?!" Merasmus yells, pulling his unconscious friend from a pile of books "Thanks Merasmus." Trixie says, adjusting her mane

"I have a feeling Soldier is involved in this someh-" the door opens and smiling with three fillies on his shoulders is Soldier "Hello Merasmus! Hello, pretty blue unicorn!"

They both growl "Soldier! Get away from Merasmus/Trixie!"

Still grinning, he pulls out an angry raccoon "And to think that I brought Lieutenant Bites"

Merasmus cringes "I want nothing to do with your flea-ridden, sour cream sniffing vermin! It is because of them, and you killing my last roommate, that Merasmus must live in a cart with a unicorn! No offense Trixie."

Trixie shrugs "It may not be much, but it belongs to Trixie and Merasmus, but it is mostly Trixie's."

Sweetie Belle looks around inside "Looks like you live in there."

"The life of a traveling show mare and a 6000 year old wizard leaves little time to rest in a house." Trixie says, pushing the filly out.

Applebloom snorts "Y'all haven't left in a month."

Merasmus scoffs "We haven't left because we have been trying to decipher several ancient tomes written by Merasmus millenia ago!"

"Or because magic is for sissies and Canadians" Soldier says, petting Lieutenant Bites.

Both Trixie and Merasmus gasp "Magic is a serious art you imbecilic troglodyte!"

Trixie lights her horn and Merasumus touches it with his staff "AMPLUS TRIPUDIO!" Soldier is enveloped by light "I AM SCARED, YOU MAGGOT!!"

The light dies and where Soldier stood is a pile of clothes and a scorched helmet.

"MISTER DOE!" The Crusaders yell, weeping.

"Stop blubbering like a bunch of bleeding heart liberals, ladies! I am not dead!" a lump in Soldier's clothing yells.

"Trixie... I thought we agreed to give him a tiny head so it would match his tiny brain" Merasmus says, looking down at his pony friend.

Trixie looks up "I thought we were going to give him a big head so we could knock it off his neck and use it as a projectile against the library"

A raccoon claws out of the clothing "Why is everyone so big?"

Scootaloo blinks "Mister Doe?"

The raccoon salutes "Yes Suddenly Large Private Pegasus?"

Applebloom sighs "It's him..."

Merasmus falls over laughing "This is rich! We turned him into a raccoon!"

Soldier glares at Merasmus "You will turn me back now, wizard!"

Trixie shakes her head, giggling "No way Soldier, now you get be how we see you as, an annoying rodent."

Soldier growls and turns to Sweetie Belle "Private Unicorn! Turn me back now!"

Sweetie shakes her head "I don't know how... I'm sorry..."

He throws up his paws in annoyance "I hate magic... well, I guess it could be worse,"

Merasmus stops his laughing "How so?"

Trixie grins "Yes, tell us how it could be worse,"

Soldier grins "I could be a-" The crusaders grab him and run towards town ,

"- And that is why Mister Doe is a raccoon" Applebloom finishes, Scootaloo carrying him on her back in a makeshift saddle "Get closer to the dragon, noble steed! I wish to hit him with my sword!" He yells, swinging a knife around,

Spike sighs "Come on guys, stop- OW! That hurt!" Soldier swings his "Sword" at Spike again "Cut it out!"

Sniper laughs "I have to agree with Merasmus on this one Twilight, let him live like that, at least as a raccoon he can't blow stuff up."

Soldier jerks the reigns and glares at Sniper "You are a cowardly bush-baby and you will die like one."

He smirks and pulls out a jar of yellow liquid "Wanna bet mate?"

"No, I do not" he points at Spike who is gasping for breath "CHAAAAAAAARRRGGGEEE!!!"

Twilight glares at Sniper "We talked about this Sniper!"

He opens the jar and sips it "What? It's just lemonade"

Twilight sighs and turns back to Applebloom "I wish I could help... but I don't understand Merasmus' magic and I could make it worse if I tried."

Soldier pulls back on the reigns and Scootaloo spits out the bit "You could warn me when you're gonna jerk on the reigns!"

"Sorry Private Pegasus!" he turns to Twilight "Then could you turn me into a pretty pink unicorn?"

She blinks "What? Why?"

"So that I may be the most prettiest unicorn!"

Her jaw drops "I... I don't... what?"

Sniper falls over laughing "Do it Twilight! Do it!"

She shrugs "All right... If it will make you happy..." her horn glows and Soldier is enveloped by light and Scootaloo grunts "Couldn't you have waited until he was off me?!"

The light dims and standing on top of Scootaloo is a pretty pink unicorn "I am the prettiest unicorn!"

Sniper pauses and laughs harder, clutching his chest "You being the 'Prettiest' is up for debate..." Twilight mutters

Sweetie salutes and Soldier looks at the three fillies "Am I not the prettiest unicorn?"

Scootaloo salutes and Applebloom stares at him "Mah sister was wrong, stallions can be pretty."

He glares "In this man's unicorn army, you clomp your hooves when a superior officer addresses you!"

Twilight shakes her head "What have I done?"

He stomps his hooves and turns to the door "FORWARD MARCH!"

The Crusaders follow and Spike crawls out from his hiding place "Is he gone?"

Sniper coughs, still laughing "Yeh... but I wonder where he's going..."

He returns and salutes Twilight "I am off to prove that I am prettier than the white unicorn!"

Spike's eyes shrink "That was one pretty unicorn... wait, Rarity!" he shoots out the door after them.

Twilight sighs loudly "I hate Soldier."

"We all do prettiest unicorn, we all do" Sniper says, petting her mane.

"COMPANY... HALT!" They stop in front of Carousel Boutique and march in.

"Good after... Who might you be?" Rarity rubs her eyes "What are you doing here, Crusaders and... who are you?"

"I am the prettiest unicorn!" Soldier yells.

Rarity blinks "Okay... would you like to place an order or-"

"I am here to defeat you in unarmed combat to prove that I am the prettiest unicorn! Then I will go defeat the other pretty white unicorn with wings to be the most pretty unicorn AGAIN!"

She blinks again "O...kay... I do not wish to fight but-" a shot erupts from behind her, a hole appearing in front of Soldier "I think not you gun-crazy fool!"

Rarity turns "Spy! What have I said about firing your gun inside?!"

Spy snorts "I was protecting you from this oaf m'lady."

She scoffs "I can handle myself thank you. Now then, I do not wish to fight but I will accept your challen-OOF!" Soldier punches Rarity, cutting her off "I won!"

Rarity growls "No you haven't you uncouth fool!" her horn lights up and envelopes her hoof "BEGONE!" she punches Soldier in the face, launching him out the door "I AM STILL THE PRETTIEST UNICORN!!!!!" he hells, sailing through the air.

"Pass the salt Trixie" Merasmus says, and she nods "I cannot believe that we were able to turn Soldier into a raccoon" Trixie snickers.

Merasmus nods "But knowing him, he will find a way to annoy us somehow."

"Oh stop being such a pessimist Merasmus. We put up a force field that stops anyone from disturbing us. We have good food, good drink, and good friends... uh... each other"

"What does that make me? Chopped liver?" The bombnomicon says, levitating above the table.

"SHUT UP BOMBNOMICON!" they say in unison.

"All right, all right, sheesh"

(WHUMP!)

"... Soldier?" Trixie asks.

Merasmus cups his head and nods slowly "Most likely."

"MERASMUS!!!!"

He slams his fist on the table "If I ignore him, he will go away."

"MERASMUUUS!"

"Go away go away go away go away go away go away..." he mutters.

"MER! AS! MUS!!!!!"

"WHAT?! WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT FROM MERASMUS?! WHAT IS IT?!" he yells, staring down at Soldier "I am the prettiest unicorn... just thought you should know."

Merasmus frowns "No. You are an idiot who looks like a unicorn."

Trixie steps out and smirks "So he thinks he is a pretty unicorn, hm? Well, I suppose that he has beaten the most pretty unicorn in all of Equestria?"

"I have! Then she punched me here!"

"That is funny, Trixie does not remember punching you."

Soldier shakes his head "I said pretty, not homeless."

Trixie scoffs "You call Trixie homeless? I thought that since you blew up your soggy cardboard box you were homeless."

Soldier grins "I bought a castle of ostrich horror in Canterlot last week."

Trixie's and Merasmus' jaws drop "HOW?! You are unemployed!"

"I am a good friend of the pretty blue pegasus-unicorn pony! She rented a castle to me and my raccoons and my bread to me which I then bought!"

Merasmus chokes "YOU are friends with Princess Luna?!"

Soldier nods "I am!"

Trixie scoffs "Fine then, we still have jobs."

"Yeah, stealing food." The bombnomicon says before being blasted by both wizards.

"A noble job." Soldier salutes and turns to leave before transforming into his human form.

"TRIXIE'S EYES! TRIXIE'S EYES HAVE BEEN RUINED! TRIXIE CANNOT SEE BUT CAN SENSE YOUR BUTT STILL STARING AT HER!" she covers her eyes and Merasmus erupts into flames "YOUR BUTT HAS SET MERASMUS ABLAZE!!!!! AAAAUUUGGGGHHH!!"

Soldier looks at his hands "Huh... I am not a pretty unicorn anymore..."

Merasmus waves his staff and Soldier disappears in a cloud of smoke "HIS BUTT IS GONE BUT YOU ARE STILL ON FIRE AND TRIXIE IS STILL BLIND!"

They both run in circles around the cart, The bombnomicon looking amused "And to think all I did was undo the magic."

Twilight sighs and rubs her head "Okay, the town isn't burning to the ground, the sky isn't raining gasoline, and the library is still standing... today might just be one of those days where nothing went horribly wrong."

Sniper laughs "You worry too much, just sit back and relax."

She turns to him "How can you relax when Soldier is a unicorn with access to magic?"

Sniper sighs "From what I understand, magic requires patience, skill, and intelligence to use, all things Soldier lacks in spades."

"Then explain Trixie and Merasmus."

"Merasmus is old and stupid, but skillful. Trixie is intelligent but not very skillful or patient. so together they make one master wizard... whenever they agree." Sniper replies, grinning at Twilight.

Twilight blinks "You planned that answer in advance didn't you?"

Sniper winks "Yup, and that proves how predictable you are, prettiest unicorn."

Twilight blushes and growls "St-stop complimenting me when I'm trying to be mad at you!"

He pats her head "Never... now look outside, nothing went wrong in the five minutes that you spent arguing with me. Nothing. To. Worry. About"

Twilight sighs "I hate it when you're right."

He smiles "Come on, let's go get something sweet to eat, you're getting cranky."

"I'm not cranky, I'm just vigilant..." she mutters, following the tall human.

"And Jarate is really karate in a jar."

*Throne room, Canterlot*

"Am I pretty unicorn again?" Soldier asks, looking around.

"... Hello handsome" someone says from behind him.

Soldier turns and standing behind him is Celestia, looking amused.

"Hello pretty winged unicorn princess!" he salutes.

"Why are you naked? Not that I mind, but why?"

"I was a pretty pink unicorn! Then I wasn't! Now I'm here!"

Celestia ponders this "How did you get here?"

"Merasmus and pretty blue unicorn wizard poofed me here!"

"... You can stop saluting soldier." Celestia smiles "And I see that you are over compensating with your weapons."

Soldier grumbles and looks around "You aren't using that curtain are you?"

She smiles, slightly strained "I am, let me get your uniform." with a flash of magic, Soldier is dressed and scratching his head "Magic feels funny."

"Is there anything else Soldier?"

He salutes and marches out of the room, Celestia sighing in relief "I do worry about having thiose mercenaries around but Luna vouches for them... 'Pretty blue unicorn wizard'? I wonder who that could be..."

Trixie sneezes, startling Merasmus "Somepony must be talking about Trixie, but when you are as great and powerful as she is, who can help it?"

"Everyone you've ever met and their neighbor" the Bombnomicon say, whom is quickly blasted by the unicorn "Shut up book, this is why Trixie never reads manuals, like the one for her cart... and like that funny stallion that lives in the box on the hill."

"I thought it was you were illiterate" replies the Bombnomicon.

"TRIXIE IS NOT ILLITERATE! MERASMUS! BOOK TRIXIE!" she yells, Merasmus levitates a book from the shelf.

"Trixie will show you... uh..." her face screws up "...Merasmus, what is this word?"

"'Illiterate'"

"Right! Wait... are you making fun of Trixie?"

"No, the sentence is, 'very few ponies now, in this day and age, are illiterate with the exception of the ignorant.'" Merasmus says before smirking "I guess they were talking about you."

"I know somepo- HEY!" she blasts the wizard next to her, the magic deflected by his palm "Merasmus kids you Trixie."

"You better be..." she growls before sighing "Where did we send Soldier?"

"Canterlot, I hope that princess of yours evaporated him when he mooned her." Marasmus groans "But knowing our luck, she spared him."

Trixie sighs "I know, maybe we should just get a restrain-"

"Did that, he snapped the necks of all of the police."

"Hire demons to-"

"Did that too, same result" Merasmus sighs.

"Get his teammates to-"

"They hate me too for trying to kill them and Soldier when he turned my castle back on earth into a raccoon sanctuary, evicted me,
and killed me in the span of 5 minutes. And if we kill him, he will come back stronger... and we can't sue him, I made him into a lawyer, then a priest, then a used car salesman, mechanic, rocket scientist, and general of an army of rubber ducks that somehow came to life and decimated 5 small towns, leaving blood, soap bubbles, and carnage in their wake... I have tried EVERYTHING! I've lived for more than 6 thousand years and the one thing I regret is meeting him!"

Trixie pats his back "It's okay, I have lived for 20 and I regret meeting Twilight Sparkle... and wheels, they are evil"

Merasmus looks down at his friend "If you were 5900 years older, I would kiss you... and weren't a pony... and-"

"You are ruining the moment, Merasmus." Trixie says.

"Right... thanks." he looks around "Want to go turn all the flour in Ponyville into sand?"

She smiles "And all the baked goods into rocks?"

Merasmus smirks "Merasmus likes your plot Trixie."

Trixie blushes and pulls her cape down "Merasmus! Trixie had no idea!"

"Your plan, rather."

"Trixie knows, you go on ahead, Trixie will lock the cart and put up the Soldier barrier."

Merasmus nods and disappears in a cloud of smoke.

Trixie enters the cart and whimpers "S-someday... Someday Trixie will have somepony or someone who will love her..."

Author's Note

Hello! another Tf2 and pony short by me!
I know this was mostly soldier but it focused on the two most powerful wizards in both worlds and their distaste for anyone that isn't them
and as for the ending... I did not plan that, but I am not complaining about it
enjoy!