"This is NOT a painis cupcake!" Soldier yells, Pinkie not even flinching "Well, I asked Pyro what that was so I made what he said it was!"

Soldier grumbles and bites into the cupcake "Though why it needed Scout's armpit hairs Is a mystery to me."

Soldier chokes and retches before glaring from underneath his helmet "That is NOT funny!"

Muffled laughter emanates from the back of the shop followed by Pinkie's giggles "Sorry, I just did as I was told to, I put that in there for texture." she erupts into a fit of laughter and falls over, Soldier grumbling before pulling out his rocket launcher and blasting through the doors.

He runs through the Everfree, dodging deadly flora and fauna with the grace of a juggernaut, his target getting closer "Victory for the RED team!" he yells, grabbing the butter yellow pegasus.

"Ahem!" a voice says, followed by whirring.

Soldier raises his helmet and gulps "Step avay from zhe Flootershy and I promise you no pain" Medic says, his medigun buzzing from behind Heavy, who grins "Put the poony down, do not, and I promise you pain without end."

Soldier groans and whips out his rocket launcher "You'll never take me alive you commies!' he blasts the ground, flying away.

"Uhm... I'm right here..." Fluttershy says, exiting her cottage

Medic lowers his medigun "Vait... if Flootershy is here, zhen who does Soldier have?"

"Now I got you, cupcake! Time to turn you into a secret weapon!" Soldier gloats

"I think not." Fluttershy smirks, turning into Spy "You are an amateur and a fool Soldier!" He stabs Soldier in the neck, grabbing his parachute and jumping.

"Uuuughhhh... I suck." he groans and tosses his rocket launcher away "I can never get that pony, I need to turn these ponies into killing machines but the yellow one is protected by the commies, the white one is too prissy, the pink one is... Ehhhhh..." he shudders "The blue one talks back, the orange one works on that farm, with Engie, and the purple one asks too many questions! I need Ponies who are impressionable, but destructive! Where can I find such ponies..."

(BOOOOOM!)

"WHEEEEEE!!!!! We're flying!!!" a white blur yells, followed by 2 others "Why does stuff always blow up?!" says one "Whoo-hoo! Rampant and pointless destruction!!" says the other

"Hmmm... where am I gonna find such ponies..." he mutters when he pulls out his shovel, slamming it on his helmet "That's It!" He laughs evilly "That plan cannot fail!"

"Tell me where I can find impressionable, destructive ponies!" He yells, slamming his fists on the table.

Twilight looks up from her book "First you kick down my door and spit in my face, but now you want me to help you create destructive weapons? Are you a complete idiot or just joking?"

Sniper comes out from behind a shelf "Yeah, he's just that stupid Don't worry, just ignore him and he'll go away."

"I will not you Aussie PRICK! Go back to your kangaroo wife and kids!"

Sniper shrugs "Even if I do, it doesn't change the fact you are a tiny wanker with no life."

Twilight groans "GUYS! Stop arguing! Look, you want destructive and impressionable ponies? Go find the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"

Soldier salutes "Thank you purple pony!"

When he leaves Sniper squats to Twilight's level "Are you sure that was a good idea? I mean, I dislike Soldier as much as most but... putting him in the same place as those three?"

Twilight sighs "I know... I'll sand their sisters letters and warn the construction crew... and my insurance agent." she looks up at Sniper "Do you really have a kangaroo wife?"

He snorts "Nah, I just keep a picture of me favorite animal in me wallet for good luck... along with yours of course*." he kisses the unicorn's snout, earning a blush "Oh stop..."

Arriving at the CMC clubhouse, Soldier pulls out his horn, blowing a long note "Sound off!"

Sweetie Belle sticks her head out "Hey guys! It's that muscular human that yells a lot!"

"That describes 'bout half of 'em Sweetie" Applebloom deadpans and Sweetie turns to reply "I know that! I meant the one that blows stuff up a lot!"

"The Demo guy? I gotta warn mah sister! Last time he was here he bought all the cider!"

"Or is it the one with the funny metal hat?" Scootaloo asks, peering out the window "Hey! I was right!"

Soldier clicks his boots "Hello impressionable and destructive ponies! I am here to teach you how to be powerful weapons! And lessons start NOW!"

Engineer walks out from the trees "Now what's with all the yelling? Can't a guy play his guitar in piece?" He frowns upon seeing Soldier "Now get out of here you clueless SOB"

"Negatory 'Partner'! I am here to turn these ponies into weapons of mass destruction!"

Engineer face-palms "Son... you're a few strips short of a plate of bacon ain't ya? Lissen here, ponies do not want to be weapons or destructive, that just happens in these fillies' cases. I know them personally and if you think I am going to let you touch them you are sorely mistaken"

"Bye Mister Engineer!" Sweetie says, having been grabbed by Soldier.

"Hm? Oh, bye! Wait a- Dagnabbit nag dab nabbit!" he chases after them and clutches his chest before collapsing "For an... angry nut job... he sure can run" he wipes his forehead "I'm out of shape..."

Soldier sets the three fillies on the ground "All right, lesson 1, History!"

Scootaloo groans "But I hate history!"

"So do I, amen." Soldier mutters "The history of war! It all starts with a man named Sun Tzu, who invented combat! And then he perfected it so that no one could best him in the ring of honor! Then he used his fight money to buy two of every animal, herded them onto a boat, and beat the crap out of each and every one of them!" he chuckles "And every time a bunch of animals are in one place. It's called a ZOO!" he pauses "Unless it's a farm!"

Sweetie raises her hoof "Yes little white pony?!"

"Uh... I've read the 'Art of war' and that never happened."

Soldier scoffs "And do you believe everything you read?"

"Well, usually yes-"

"That's good, FOR A NERD!"

"I am not a nerd! I just happen to know what Sun Tzu actually wrote!" Sweetie replies indignantly.

Applebloom shrugs "Does it matter? I mean, why argue about it when-"

"I get it! Sun TZU and ZOO!" Scootaloo chuckles

"You get it, that's good, amen. Now for weapons training!"

"Ah can't lift this!" Applebloom grunts, trying to lift her bazooka.

"Then try harder! Then succeed, then blast the target!"

"Uh... can I not be the target?" Scout asks, struggling to escape the rope.

"Negative, your mouth wrote checks, my students will cash them!" Soldier replies.

"Mister Soldier? How are we supposed to pull the trigger? We don't have fingers" Scootaloo asks.

Soldier groans "I did not ask for such incompetent ponies! You pull the trigger with your magic!"

"But I suck at magic!" Sweetie says and Applebloom groans under the weight of the bazooka "T-Too heavy!"

Soldier sighs "How about shotguns then?"

Applebloom grins "Ah can lift this!"

"Good! Now! Shoot the black, Scottish Cyplops in his weak spot!" Soldier commands, pointing at Demoman.

Sweetie raise her hoof.

"What is it Private Unicorn?!"

"Is his weak spot his eye?"

Soldier pauses "His eye... good idea... no, it's his tiny Scottish balls!"

Demo looks up from his drunken slump "Not meh balls... I need them fer... stu-AH BLOODY 'ELL! ME SPLEEN!"

Scootaloo shrugs "I missed... he'll be okay right?"

Soldier smiles and hefts Scootaloo onto his shoulder "Now THAT is what I want to see! Come on you two, PICK IT UP!"

Applebloom shrugs and levels her rifle at the cardboard cut-out of Medic "Here goes nuthin'..." she removes her bow and ties it around the trigger, and pulls back, hitting the cut out in the stomach "I did it!"

The cut-out whirs to action "50 points!"

"Not bad for a trainee." Soldier lifts her onto his shoulder, which she climbs onto "Wow... you're almost as tall as Sniper or mister mesma.... mermer..."

"Merasmus" Sweetie corrects, leveling her gun at the scout, who is shivering "Please not my balls, there are so many hot single moms I have yet to date... I need my balls for that... I like my balls, please little pony, don't shoot my... Uh, a little low there... why not take a shot at Scotty there? He doesn't use his balls"

Soldier grins "How would you know MAGGOT**!?"

"Uh, I would just assume dat being drunk all the time would leave no time for actual use and not dat I care if he does or doesn't I just- hey, where'd the unicorn go?" Sweetie Belle approaches him "Look, I don't wanna shoot you, but if I don't I may fail and I haven't failed anything so far... So I'll aim for your knees okay?"

Scout stares at her "You, are, adorable. but I kinda need my knees to run so... could you aim for my arm? Those break easy" she nods and turn around, winking "And no matter how many times you may want to take me to the gun show, you don't have any caliber!" she levels her gun and shoots, her gun suddenly dipping and nailing him in the gonads "F-F-F-F-F... Oh dat hurts..." his voice jumps several octaves "Mommy..."

Soldier falls over laughing and Scout glares "If I had my bat I would end you... you were supposed to hit my arms, not my... my..." he chokes out, and retching and moaning "Oh god, little white unicorn, why? What did I ever do to you?"

Soldier grins "That's what you get for being a hippie!"

Scootaloo and Applebloom jump off his shoulders, and untie Scout, Sweetie weeping "I'm sorry mister Scout! I didn't mean to hit you! I'm sorry!!"

Scout looks at her, drool and vomit caking his teeth "It's all right little unicorn... I can go and meet my dad now..."

RED spy appears and hisses "Merde... your mother will not like the news... but I suppose one missed date taking care of her idiot son will work in my favor" he picks Scout up and disappears.

"Well, I suppose that ends today's lesson! What have we learned?" Soldier asks, turning away.

"That Sun Tzu is an awesome writer and shooting is wrong!" Scootaloo says, saluting

"That humans are easy to kidnap?" Applebloom asks, scratching her head

Soldier turns "NO! No no no NO! That is NOT what you were supposed to learn! Private unicorn! what were they supposed to learn?!"

"That hitting others in the gonads is wrong... hippies are the enemy except when they are your... friends? And that Soldier has an... awesome... haircut" she salutes weakly, tears rolling down her face.

"That is correct! Now it is time for the ICE CREAM!" He marches away

In the hospital, Scout opens his eyes, a blurry face looking down at him "Dad?"

The face snorts and clears up "Non, it is I, RED Spy, How do you feel?"

Scout groans "Horrible... are my nuts okay?"

Spy hisses "Yes... about your... genitals... they were too badly damaged so... they were removed but you were given new ones... just... not like the ones you had"

Scout shoots up, a surge of pain racing up his back "Please tell me the doc didn't give me monkey nuts or something"

"No... though that would be an improvement on your tiny ones... steroids and BONK! will shrink them you know." Scout glares "What? Did he give me goldfish balls? Snake balls? DOG BALLS?! PLEASE! NOT DOG BALLS!" Scout covers his face "I'll never get laid if I have dog balls..."

Spy hisses "What about no balls at all?"

Scout shoots straight up, eyes wide "No. Don't even joke about dat you french bastard."

Medic enters, a smile on his face "Vell, another successful procedure! So, how do you feel, Scout?"

Scout stares at him "Like Demo after a night of partying. So, are my balls okay?"

Medic's smile twitches "Jes... vere you too terribly attached to zem?" and Scout chuckles nervously "Is that some kind of joke? Of course I 'Vas attached to zem'! They're my fricken' balls!"

Medic frowns "Voopsies... I made a mistake... but surely being a voman isn't too bad?"

Scout glares "That is not funny doc, and when I check myself, if I do not feel two balls, I am going to end you... !!!" he tears up "My balls... I don't have my balls!"

"Medic, I told you to fix the boy!" Spy says, teeth clenched.

"Und I did! I vixed him!"

"Not that kind of 'Fixed ya moron!" Scout yells.

Medic shrugs "Unfortunately, zhe surgury takes a massive toll on zhe body, I can undo it vunce I get a compatable replacement or use the bacon scraps that vere his balls but it vould take several months for his body to be accepting again"

"So... does that mean I'm..." Scout asks, his voice cracking.

Spy shakes his head "Eunuch for a few months... Merde..."

Medic brushes himself off "Zo, how vill I bill you? Payment vit money, or your body?"

Spy pulls out a card "Bill my insurance, can we take 'It' home?"

"Ja, take him avay, I don't care"

"Do you think Scout is okay?" Sweetie asks, and Soldier nods "Affirmative. so long as Medic isn't bored, he tends to experiment when he's bored."

"Like what?" Scootaloo ask, licking her ice cream.

"Turn men into ladies and ladies into Pyro."

"Mmph mm mph mpmph!" Pyro mutters.

"Pyro is Pyro... I know what Pyro's gender is but... that's a secret." Pinkie says, blowing bubbles at Pyro

Applebloom shivers "How do you eat?"

Pyro shrugs "Mm Mm-MM"

Soldier scratches his head "So... same time next week?"

Author's Note

*yes, I ship Sniper and Twilight, big deal, it's not bestiality if they're both sentient... right?
** you know what he ACTUALLY said right?