BONERQUEST
It was the late afternoon of Nightmare Night, and the sun was starting to go down over Ponyville’s cemetery. Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle were pushing a gargoyle statue on a wagon that miraculously managed to hold the weight of the damn thing, its means of maintaining balance a mystery.
“Hurry up, Nightmare Night’s almost about to start and we need to get this thing to the barn before it’s too late!” whined Applebloom in a worrisome manner, worried that they would not make it in time. Oh, she would have much more to worry about.
Because just then, a shadow loomed over the three fillies, music on a xylophone lightly playing in the background. They turned to look up, and Sweetie Belle immediately
let out a shrill screech as the figure dove for Applebloom.
...
Meanwhile, in Celestia’s throne room, the Princess of the sun herself and Princess Luna (peace be upon her) waited expectantly at the throne.
The princess of the sun turned to her sister, “What do you think is taking her?” she asked. Before Luna (peace be upon her) could speak, the doors flew open and therein walked Vinyl Scratch, the GREATEST ALICORN PRINCESS IN THE HISTORY OF ALICORN PRINCESSES IN ALL OF EQUESTRIA; otherwise known as Xx_fl4nk_pulv3r1z3rXx on Xbox Live and Steam (PC master race plebs), entered the throne room. Her strobelight-lit mane flowed similar to Celestia’s and Luna’s (peace be upon her), but those who have had the PRIVILEGE of standing near her have reportedly heard trap music and sick dubstep bass-drops emanating from it. “’sup?” Vinyl greeted them.
Celestia dramatically stared out the window towards the setting sun. “I have called upon you to travel to Ponyville, a great evil is rising.”
Vinyl chuckled, “What is it this time? Tirek again?”
Dramatically, Celestia replied “No, it’s much worse…” she turned to Vinyl still holding her dramatic gaze as she spoke. “A thousand years ago, an evil necromancer summoned an army of skeletons in an attempt to conquer Equestria and bring about an age of eternal spookiness. I managed to stop him using the Elements of Harmony, and the Necromancer is long dead.”
Luna (peace be upon her) rose her voice. “However, the necromancer left a curse. His army would return, but four hundred and twenty times stronger. It is said that only the dankest leader and the most euphoric knight of the realm would be able to stop him. That is why we are sending you to Ponyville.”
“So I can find the two?”
Celestia dramatically turned towards the distance once more. The distance is probably getting sick of it by now. “Vinyl, you are the dankest leader of Equestria. Since we decided it would be smart to reattach the Elements of Harmony to a tree, we need you to use your powers to resurrect the most Euphoric knight of the realm. His name… was Spike. You must find him, go to Spooky Isle, and destroy the Namekamen: The Necromancer’s evil book that gives the skeletons their power.”
…
Moon began to rise in Ponyville, the ponies gathered around the town square, awaiting Zecora with her usual Nightmare Night treat that the denizens of the town had become accustomed to after very quickly and seamlessly dropping deep-rooted racial tensions. However, she was not coming out yet for some reason…
Then, they heard it. A spooky noise. A xylophone. Instead of Zecora’s voice from the fog, now red as opposed to green, came a high-pitched but masculine voice. “TONIGHT’S ENTERTAINMENT BROUGHT TO YOU BY…”
The curtains opened. Standing before the crowd was a group of skeletons wielding instruments. They began singing in a deep voice:
Spooky, Scary, Skeletons…
Send shivers down your spine.
Shrieking skulls will shock your skulls,
seal your doom tonight!
With that last lyric, skeletons jumped from the ground, attacking the crowd. Princess Twilight Sparkup began shooting lazer beams at the skeletons, but there were too many. Suddenly, Vinyl Scratch flew overhead and LET OUT A FUCKING AWESOME BLAST OF GREEN AURA EVERYWHERE, DISINTEGRATING THE SKELETALS AS SNOOPP DOGG’S “SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY” PLAYED IN THE BACKGROUND, THE SKELETALS BEING BLOWN PIECE TO PIECE, COVERED IN HIT MARKERS.
The princess of dank and general badassery descended onto the stage, where she was met by fellow monarch Twilight Sparkup. “Twilight, there’s no time, I need Spike’s fedora and all the flavors of Mountain Dew, stat!”
Rarity spoke from the crowd in her sexy, seductive, wing-boner inducing voice. “I have it right here with me, I keep it with me at all times as a symbol of his love and gentlemanliness.”
“THROW IT UP HERE!” shouted Vinyl. She knew she could handle this, but for the first time in the entire history of her life, she was mildly concerned. The prophecy said she needed this dragon to help her, or else Equestria would be under eternal spookiness. And that could only mean one thing: No more dank, and no more MLG competitions. Just skeletons.
“But it’s all out of power, Spike used all of it to show how much of a true gentleman he was before he exploded!”. Rarity threw up the fedora anyway, and Vinyl caught it.
Twilight examined the fedora. “She’s right, it’s supposed to be golden. No matter, we’ll get the mountain dew anyway…
And so the town quickly brought together all the flavors of Dew, all arranged the points of a pentagram formed by weed and Doritos Cool Ranch, the fedora in the center. Vinyl and Twilight both cast dank magic into the pentagram, beginning to charge the fedora.
United, they spoke the words of the spell: “We call upon the Red Flavor, which stands for the blood spilt in the name of logic and reason, never forget. We ask for the Typhoon, to release a hurricane of memes and other forms of logic to blow the fundies away. We ask for the Original, like Charles Darwin’s originals of species to remember evolution and the lack of a need to worship. We ask for the strength of voltage, which stands for scientific progress. And we ask of the power of white out: the color of Celestia’s coat and Luna’s (peace be upon her) cutie mark.”
Magic flowed into the fedora and it rose. Lightnign struck, and Spike stood in the pentagram in all his unexploded euphoria.
“I’m back, m’ladies…” said Spike. “Because in this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of some phony god’s blessing, BUT BECAUSE I AM ENLIGHTENED BY MY OWN INTELLIGENCE!” FINALIZING THE RITUAL, SPIKE BLEW FLAME ONTO THE KUSH OF THE PENTAGRAM, CREATING GREEN FLAME AND DANK SMOKE. THE ENERGY FLOWED BACK INTO SPIKE, CAUSING HIM TO GROW TALLER AND SPROUT WINGS.
‘HOLY SHIT ON A DICK SANDWICH, I WANT THIS DRAGON’S D’ THOUGHT VINYL, AS WELL AS EVERY OTHER MARE IN THE CROWD. LET’S JUST SAY THAT, FOR A TOWN MOSTLY POPULATED BY MARES, THE NIGHT SEEMED TO GET A LOT MORE HUMID.
“SO, SKELETONS INVADING EQUESTRIA?” ASKED THE ULTIMATE FEDORA SPERGLORD, THE KNIGHT OF EUPHORIA, SPIKE.
“THAT’S RIGHT”, CONFIRMED THE ALICORN PRINCESS OF DANKNESS. “YOU READY TO GO TO SPOOKY ISLAND TO END THIS!?”
“YEAH, SURE. BUT I THINK THEY MIGHT HAVE SOME OBJECTIONS” SAID SPIKE AS HE GESTURED TOWARDS THE ARMY OF APPROACHING SKELETALS.
“YEAH, KNEW I COULD ONLY HOLD THEM OFF FOR SO LONG…”
“WELL, M’LADY, LET’S GIVE THEM AN EQUESTRIAN WELCOME.”
SO THEY FLEW UPWARDS, SPIKE UNLEASHING A TORRENT OF FLAME AND VINYL SCRATCH LAZERING THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THE SKELETALS. THE BONY PLEBS WERE BEING UTTERLY ANNIHILATED, BUT THE TWO CHOSEN HEROES KNEW THEY COULDN’T KEEP IT UP BECAUSE THOSE PLEBS JUST KEPT COMING.
“IT’S NO USE, SPIKE! WE’VE GOT TO GET TO SPOOKY ISLE!” shouted Vinyl. Spike nodded in agreement.
“Agreed, let’s bring the spook back to these skeletals’ home.”
They landed back on the podium, ready for a teleportation spell to bring them to Spooky Isle. But they were stopped by a voice.
“Wait!” cried Rarity as she ran up to the two.
“M’lady!” shouted Spike as he let her hug him. It felt good to be out of the friendzone.
“Spike, Vinyl, you must take this kush. It’s been kept secret in my family since Princess Platinum. Use it in your time of most dire need.”
“Damn son, where’d you find this!?” exclaimed the GREATEST ALICORN PRINCESS IN THE HISTORY OF ALICORN PRINCESSES as she examined the kush. It was so dank, so beautiful... but she needn’t be distracted. Luna (peace be upon her) knew how long it would be before another wave of skeletals hit.
“Let’s go. Goodbye, M’lady. I’ll see you soon,” said Spike as he stood near Vinyl. Yes, he could hear the dubstep from Vinyl’s mane. The two teleported away.
…
The two teleported onto a craggy island. It was stormy out, and the clouds formed a swirling void exposing the full moon in the dark night. The island was covered with skeletons surrounding a cave in the middle.
The skeletons ran up to them to viciously attack with their flimsy swords and shields, but their efforts were to no avail. WITH SPIKE’S SUPERIOR KUNG-FU SKILLS AND VINYL’S DANK-ASS LAZER BEAMS, THE SKELETALS WERE NO MATCH FOR THE DANKEST WARRIORS. SOON ENOUGH, THE SKELETALS WERE ALL BLOWN TO BONY BITS.
THE TWO HEROES ADVANCED INTO THE CAVE, WHERE THE ENTRANCE SEALED SHUT BEHIN THEM SHIT WAS ABOUT TO GET INTENSE. CRIMSON RED TORCHES LIT UP, REVEALING A HUMAN FEMALE WITH LONG HAIR, LIPSTICK, AND GIANT-ASS EARINGS.
“Who the fuck is this?” asked Vinyl, staring at the primate.
Spike gave a look of dread. He knew exactly who this person was: one of the greatest enemies of all euphoria. The biggest threat to the very lifestyle of all he held dear. “Anita Sarkeesian…”
It all made sense to Spike. Only a witch this strong could use the NameKamen or whatever the fuck it was called to control the skeletals. But it didn’t add up. “Anita… this is a female-dominated but equal society. What are you doing here?” he asked.
The female cackled, adjusting her witch hat. “THIS SOCIETY IS CLOSE TO REACHING ITS TRUE STATE OF BEING: ONE DOMINATED BY WOMYN.”
“That’s ‘mares’ to you, primate.” Corrected Vinyl.
“’MARES’, IT IS TOO CLOSE TO THE WORD ‘MEN’, WHICH ARE ALL EVIL RAPISTS!” rebuddled Anita. “I won’t argue with you, that would be too much time and effort on my part, and I haven’t the donations to support it.”
Spike was getting fed up. He let heat charge in his lungs. “Alright, enough of this shit.” Spike prepared to blast her with flames, but Anita merely held the book and blasted them with dark magic, knocking them to the ground.
“FOOLS, YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD BEST A WOMYN? NOW, I SHALL PREPARE A SPELL THAT WILL END YOU OPPRESSIVE CISGENDERED SHITLORDS FOR ETERNITY! JUST AS SOON AS I OPEN THIS JAR!”
Anita reached for a jar of strange necromantic fluids. Placing her hand on the lid and twisting, it wouldn’t budge. Of course. This would take some time.
Vinyl leaned over to Spike, “who is she?”
“A feminist from the human world. She thinks that all video games and anything cool is oppressing women. She’s gotta be stopped!”
Vinyl knew just what to do. “The dank, Spike. We’ve gotta blaze.”
Spike pulled the dank from his pocket. It was so pure, he could smell its aura of dankness emanating from it. Vinyl began charging it with her dank magic.
She began to speak, “Spike… you know what to do,” speaking up, she started saying a spell, “The dankest leader of Equestria, and the Euphoric knight of the realm, shall cast ye to hell!”
Anita suddenly popped the lid off the jar. “It’s too late, mortals! I will now—“
The two heroes spoke: “420 BLAZE IT, FAGGOT!” SPIKE BLAZED THE WEED, AND THE SMOKE TRANSFORMED INTO A .50 CALIBUR SNIPER RIFLE.
AS IT FIRED, “GET NO SCOPED!!!!!” ECHOED THROUGH THE CAVERN AS WELL AS CRIES OF “OHMYGOD! MUM GET THE CAMERA! MUMMY! MUMMY!!!”, “OH BABY A TRIPLE!”, “OHHH! OHH!” ALL SIMULTANEOULSY RUNG THROUGH THE AIR AS ANITA EXPLODED INTO A MINIATURE MUSHROOM CLOUD.
THE SHOT CONTINUED TO THE BOOK, WHICH MADE AN EVEN BIGGER DANKSPLOSION THAT SPREAD ACROSS THE WORLD, CAUSING ALL THE SKELETALS TO COMBUST AND DIE. AND THAT IS THE STORY OF HOW THE EUPHORIC KNIGHT SPIKE AND THE GREATEST ALICORN PRINCESS IN THE HISTORY OF ALICORN PRINCESSES IN ALL OF EQUESTRIA SAVED EQUESTRIA FROM BONERS.
The end.
OR IS IT??????
