Tirek once again tried to tear the chains that binded him to his prison. He growled in anger. His plans to take over Equestria, and steal it's magic, ruined by a purple alicorn, and her so-called friends.

He snarled. Oh how he hated this place. If only he had been better prepared, he would've won for good.

And Discord. Discord, most of all, will pay for what he had done.

He was so enraptured in rage that he didn't notice that someone was watching him throw a tantrum at this renewed imprisonment.

"What the hell?"

"Who goes there?!" Tirek yelled out, looking around.

"Over here, asshole!"

Tirek turned to see a short, brown skinned biped, wearing a white, bloodstained suit.

"...And what are you supposed to be?"

"Name's Gary Coleman." Coleman answered, not impressed at the shriveled monkey-centaur.

"Do you know who I am?"

"You look like a monkey fucked a horse."

"If I wasn't in chains, I'd kill you, exotic creature!"

"Yeah yeah, the hell you do to get into Hell?"

"You mean Tartarus..."

"Whatever you say..."

"As for why I am here... I was trapped here, by a group of ponies, who managed to use a form of magic that even I could not have used." Tirek looked at Gary, who just shook his head.

"I got disintegrated by a huge-ass explosion."

"At least you died with dignity." Tirek snarked.

"Ehh..."

"Come on, little one! Let Krotchy give you a bad touch."

"I ain't a boy, you bitch!"

"... Yeeeeeaah, let's go with that."

Tirek scoffed.

"And I suppose you want a companion now?"

"Whachu ralkin' 'bout, asshole? I want revenge." Gary replied.

"Hmm?"

"This guy, when he came to my life, it went straight to Hell. I nearly got killed when he tried to steal one of my books, then the police comes to arrest my ass, then I got stuck in a cell with a guy in costume of a dick, then I get stuck in a firefight in the middle of the Apocalypse, then cats nearly castrate me, then more shit... I! Am! Done! This guy is gonna pay, an' ya know what? Yo ass also wants revenge, so we have something in common!"

"Hmm..." Tirek put a hand to this chin, and began to grin."

"Tell me, who is this man who ruined your life so?"

"I dunno his name, but he did say he was a fan... Like I care for that asshole!"

PARADISE LOST!!!
Paradise, AZ nuked into oblivion!
Government officially blames Al Qaeda for terrible incident.
Details on pg. 3

"Well, at least B****** Interactive is blown to shit. I wonder if Vince is okay with this."

A redhead man with a goatee read the paper as he filled up his car and trailer with gas.

He had well-worn boots, an alienware shirt, sunglasses, and more prominently, a trench coat.

He shrugged as he looked at the gas counter go *ting* and stop.

"Good thing P***** H****** had a lot of cash to spare." The man said as he went to the woman at the station.

"Is that all sir?"

"Yes."

"That'll be, forty-five bucks." She said with a broken emphasis on the price.

"Sounds reasonable." The man said as he handed the cash.

"Thanks, have a nice day."

The man nodded as he put away the nozzle and got in the car.

"Ready to go, Champ?"

"Woof!" Champ barked.

"Good. Let's get the fuck out of here." The man said as he drove off.

"So, we have a plan?" Tirek asked.

"Yeah, I got my rifle, and this asshole's gonna die." Gary said as he hopped onto Tirek.

"This is so humiliating." Tirek mumbled under his breath as he went into a charging motion, catching the attention of Cerberus.

"Get yo willies right here!" Gary said as he fired his Machine Gun at the triple-headed dog, which shied away as the two literally escaped Hell.

"Hell yeah!"

"Impressive weapon, if loud." Tirek smiled.

"Yeah, that thing ain't following us."

"Yes, and I need you to do a few things for me before we go after your nemesis."

"Like what?"

"Well..."

"Alrighty boy-o, why doncha git on out off the car there, why doncha?" A redneck said to the man.

"Fuck..." He said as he got out of the car, surrounded by six rednecks.

"Now... heh... drop 'em!"

And then Champ proceeded to chomp on one of the redneck's balls, causing him to squeal in pain as Champ pulls away a bloodied, semen-stained mess.

The man smacked one of the redneck's head off with a shovel.

"Not today, hick." The man took out a pistol, and shot the groinless redneck dead.

"Git him!" The rednecks whooped and cheered as they brought up shotguns and shovels to fight off the man.

"Sock it to me, baby."

The plan was simple, get the six ponies who sealed Tirek in the same place, and then hold them hostage at gunpoint.

He acted surprised for the sake of the plan, or... not acted, but the locals led him to the castle where the so-called 'Friendship Court' was.

And with one more deep breath, he kicked open the doors, surprising the six mares and dragon inside.

"What the..."

"All y'all are being kidnapped!" Gary fired his gun a few times at the ground between the seven. "Come with me unless ya want yo funeral to be closed casket."

Twilight instinctively teleported the others away.

Gary just stood there.

"Son of a bitch!"

The man had finished killing the rednecks, one was burning alive, and another had his head crushed.

He decided to put the man out with the only thing he had.

*ZIP ZIP*

"OOOOOOOOOOOH YEAH!!!"

Luna burst into the throne room.

"Sister, we have terrible news!"

"What is it?" Celestia asked.

"It's Tirek, he's escaped again!"

"What! How?"

"On his back, there was a brown creature, wearing white, and using a loud object. I checked Cerberus, it had injuries unlike anything I've ever seen!"

"What is this creature you speak of, Luna?"

"I do not know, but Tirek called it 'Gary Coleman.'" Luna wondered what sort of name it was.

"I know not of this Coleman, but if Tirek escaped..."

"That's only part of it, they also assaulted the former bearers of the Elements."

"What, how?" Celestia asked with worry.

"Gary did it. He had not anticipated the elements teleporting away."

Celestia flared her nostrils and gave an angry look.

"We need to find Tirek and Gary Coleman before they bring Equestria to ruin."

"But how?"

"We summon Discord."

"What?!"

Celestia began to focus her magic, ready to teleport Discord over to the throne room.

But Derpy then came through a window and grazed Celestia's horn breaking her concentration, and bringing a completely different creature.

The man was urinating on nothing. When he found himself in the throne room, he looked around, still urinating, and saw three mares, one of which had rolling eyes and a head lump. His piss trickled down until he stopped, and then he zipped up his pants.

He looked at the two large mares, and sighed.

"Shit." The Postal Dude said, clearly more annoyed then shocked.

Author's Note

If you ever played Postal 2, then you'd know about all the crap Gary Coleman had to deal with in the game, first attacked by The Dude, or arrested by the police, then stuck in a cell with Krotchy, then hospitaized during the Apocalypse, then stuck in another Apocalypse, then been near Ground Zero of a nuke. I know he's alive in Paradise Lost, but I consider this an unofficial midquel to Postal 2 and Paradise Lost.

Basically, Gary Coleman died and now wants to fuck up The Dude, so he teams up with Tirek.

Serious? Meh, it's Postal, the only one that was serious was the first one, and no one ever talks about that...

In all, this is a short fanfic about someone wanting revenge, another wanting a different type of revenge, and accidental magic.

Fuck yes, this is weird.