Postal FiM

"You what?" Celestia asked Luna.

"He told us to send him to Manehatten."

"Without backup?" Celestia clarified.

Luna's ears drooped.

"Maybe we had a... lapse in judgement."

"Yeah. Maybe." Celestia looked towards Twilight.

"We have to aid him, now."

"Yes!"

Celestia performed a teleportation spell and proclaimed...

"Mr. The Dude, we have arrived to aid you!"

"Took you long enough."

Celestia and Twilight looked in confusion, and then horror at what they saw what he had done.

Most of the humans were dead, with most of them being typical gunshot wounds. Some had missing limbs, and even exploded heads.

And a few of the still living ones were barely alive, clearly bleeding out. Even if they had taken them to the hospital immediately, the lack of familiarity to humans would've meant that they were as good a dead.

And to rub salt in the wounds, The Dude was clearly urinating on a headless, sitting up one, using the neck hole as a urinal.

Twilight promptly passed out.

"You did this yourself?!"

"...Yeah." The Postal Dude shrugged, finishing up his piss.

"How?"

"Eh, tougher odds have happened. I've been through three apocalypses."

"Apocalypses?"

"Don't ask."

Celestia shook her head.

"I'll send some local guards to clean up the bodies and dispose of them... most likely by cremation."

"Who're you gonna send the ashes to?"

"...Fair point." Celestia teleported The Postal Dude and Twilight to Canterlot, while she flew over to the Royal Guard station to set up the clean-up crew.

The Postal Dude opened the door to the hotel room the other mares were at, carrying Twilight over his shoulder, right before plopping her onto the couch.

"Um... What happened to her?" Fluttershy asked, pointing at Twilight.

"Work-related incident." The Dude shrugged, going to a bedroom to sleep off the weight of the day.

Tirek resisted the urge to strangle Gary Coleman for his crew's failure. Once the new caught wind of a mysterious pony who killed a group of monsters, he knew something was messing up his plans.

"This is all your fault!" Tirek screamed.

"My fault, I though fo' sho' that those pony bitches won't be so hard."

"But it was but one pony, here!" Tirek shoved a paper into Gary's face, and that's when he noticed something.

"Wait a minute! Look here!"

Tirek looked over to see that the picture had a photo of a tall, slender man and a pitbull terrier.

"It's that fucker I told ya about! He's here!"

"If he is here, then how are we-"

"Send out the zombies! He can't handle all of them at once!"

Tirek looked thoughtful, and grinned. The two began to laugh evilly and Tirek summoned a large group of zombies to attack the nearest settlement.

"Mwhahahaha! AHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!"

"Your laugh is annoying me."

"You bitch!"

The Postal Dude woke up, feeling the most refreshed he ever has been.

He yawned and stretched his arms, and quickly noticed the looked of Applejack and Rainbow Dash.

"Yer awake?" Applejack asked.

"I am now. What is it?"

"Oh nothing, just the fact that Ponyville is being evacuated right now thanks to a bunch of foul-mouthed humans that smell like they're rotting."

"Oh shit, Mad Cow Tourettes Zombies."

"You know of 'em?"

"Yeah. Let me get a bite to eat, then I'll fix your dumbass problem."

The two ponies glared at The Dude, right before letting him have his privacy.

"What a weekend. After destroying The Bitch and making Champ better, I end up in a world full of colorful ponies, where I find out that Gary Coleman's evil, again. Sometimes, I wonder why I bother."

And then he thought about it.

"But then again, I never seem to catch a break. Guess I have to fix this mess."

The Dude soon finished his morning routine and appeared before the six mares in the hotel room.

"So, guess I'm going to this Ponyville." The Dude groaned internally.

"Depends on if ya can fix the massive outbreak there."

"Well, I suppose I've got nothing better to do." The Postal Dude was soon approached by Twilight Sparkle.

"What's happened last night?"

"You were out cold, something about a work related injury."

"Oh, right."

"Sooooo... Take me to Ponyville to fix up an issue there."

Twilight sighed.

"Sure, why not. You ready for sure?"

"Yes."

"Before you go..." Princess Celestia spoke, walking into the room. "I would like to give you some form of aid, so I tracked you signature to a remote location on your plane, and brought them here."

"So The Dude's friends are here!" Pinkie grinned.

"Not exactly."

Suddenly, a bunch of monkeys came in, with cigarettes in their mouths and exposed brains, with sticks poking out of them.

"Oo ee oo ah ah!"

"Oo ee oo ah ah!"

"Oo ee oo ah ah!"

"Oo ee oo ah ah!"

"I am a monkey, feed me banana."

"There's something about evolution in this." The Dude snarked.

"Oh, these poor monkeys." Fluttershy flyed over to one of the monkeys.

"Do not worry, my fair maiden. The oppressors have already been killed, and we have not lost any brothers, thanks to the simian sympathiser. All hail the simian sympathiser."

"Hail."

"They look up to you, so naturally, they were the ones willing to help you the most." Celestia explained.

"Sure, why not. Send me and the monkeys over to Ponyville now."

"As you wish." Celestia used her magic to teleport The Dude and his simian army to Ponyville.

"Celestia."

"Yes Twilight?"

"I need a freaking drink after all of this nonsense."

Celestia sighed.

"I'm buying."