Journel

August 28th, 2014

I don't know why I am doing this, nor why I feel the need to anyways. Maybe because if I write this, someone is bound to find it more easily and this... this will remain hidden as long as I possibly can. I have a plan for it anyways. Even if someone were to find this, they would not understand it. Even though I might use our terms and/or names, nothing will make sense. And for the sake of everyone, I am determined to keep it that way.

Yesterday, I went to the high school orientation and although I enjoyed the parts with just us kids together and felt bored by the parts of just informing us, I still was not entirely alone there. I asked Meowth to do it, all the way back at the end of middle school and I told him to disregard any annoyance or anger I might have towards him. But even when I felt both, I knew he was right. He kept telling me the same thing over and over again, because I would stray off and forget. He was there to pull me back even though I was really the only one who noticed him.

The one time I called my dad, I suppose I talked to Master Meowth as well who told me Wheatley was hallucinating and he couldn't fix him. I had given him something to try to calm him, knowing all too well what the hallucinations were and I cursed myself that I couldn't just leave to help him myself. No, I knew I couldn't, and no one blamed me. I know they all know I cannot do that or everything will be ruined. But I couldn't really keep my mind off of them for the rest of the time there, since I couldn't really contact them at the given moment, the situation I was in did not give me any time to do so without being caught. But I stuck it, Meowth still telling me the same thing, only then more so than usual. I knew he was simply doing that because he wanted to and because he knew I wanted him to do it. He's loyal and I like that about him.

Eventually, when my dad picked me up and I went back home, I immediately went to Master Meowth and Wheatley, whom had taken my advice and had gotten him to stop hallucinating. He questioned how he had done so, because he was not that close to him but I knew why. Because he trusted him. Trust is a huge part with us and without it, we might as well all be dead and scattered. No, we have trust and we stick together. Wheatley knew that when he was snapped out of his hallucination.

Wheatley had not been acting like himself for the rest of the day, his behavior jumpy and quiet, the complete opposite of who he normally was. But I knew why and gave him his own time to recover. And by the time I was beginning to go to sleep, he returned to that optimistic, curious and rambling self I had grown so used to.

I guess I should mention that I came home to a livestream and then seeing some of my favorite YouTubers get swatted by a false 'prank' call from some fucking idiot who thought that was funny. They did get arrested and I know the others are fine but I sometimes feel like the world is getting more and more stupid and dark. That feeling just grows every single day. I can't help it, because I truly believe it.

Tomorrow is the start of Pax Prime in Seattle. I know the guys that got swatted are going there and some of the others that I watch. I had forgotten about the convention a few days ago. Now, I know to look out for the news and goings ons in the convention. I just hope nothing gets too serious with the others, not like last time a convention happened.

I took this day to just basically do nothing and I honestly cannot wrap my head around the growing tensions around the others. Most are fine around each other but some others just seem to be awkward and unsteady around the others. I know what they are going through so, like they told me to, I step back and let them do their own thing, work it out. I want to help them but since they told me not to, I suppose I need to just hang back and interfere only when I need to. I care about them but I cannot help them with everything. I guess I had to learn that the hard way. I won't admit it hurts, but it does but I cannot show it. For the sake of everyone, I know I just can't.

Jodie and Aiden finally stepped down from it because we found out that they were what we all thought they were. They were not the true wielders of the Elements of the Eternals they represented and in change, were not Fourtelltas either. But it really doesn't matter and no one thinks it as a bad thing. This had happened before and no harm came from it and they will continue on with their lives as usual only with it no longer a worry for them. But Steven and Chi were put into their positions, Chi being a rather unique kitten that I have not gotten to know as of right now. I will work on changing that. She surely does have a good spirit and I know they will all do their best and do what they need to do. It's all any of us can do nowadays.

My grandma, Tan, I call her, does not approve or like the things that makes me, well... me. I am an atheist and I have openly displayed this by putting down everything religious and all the stupid things religious people do. I know that not all of them are bad, but it only adds to my growing dislike and trust for the human species and the world in general. She doesn't understand this, I guess and doesn't understand that the 'violent' games I play, watch, and get attached to actually help me and give me valuable information. But I don't really care about her opinion. I never did in the first place anyways.

My parents, especially my mom, they are just like this fucked up society. They expect me to do all the things that makes a girl a girl. But I honestly couldn't care less. They sometimes bring up some things that could happen in the future but what they don't understand is that it will never happen, because I can't.

I do not feel the need to date, males or females, because I do not like people in general and prefer and feel the safest 'by myself'. Technically, I am never really alone. Everyone else just thinks I am. But I'm not. Someone is always with me, not because they need to but because they want to. I'm fine with them because I trust them. All the others, I wish would just go away. I call myself pansexual, seeing both males and females as completely equal in more ways than one. But it will never happen because I do not want nor need it to happen.

I will never get married, I will never have kids, I will remain a virgin because I need to be. Doing so would ruin everything and no one can stop destiny in the first place anyways. I've been through too much of it already. I don't need even more drama to add to the neverending, growing list of the many things I have had to go through in my life so far. Fourteen years technically but in reality, I am much older than that.

I have loved too many already and almost all of them have failed in one way or another. I guess Wheatley will not betray me, ever but I somehow believe that this time, we will not fall out. But even if it does, our bond is strong enough that I know we will remain close even after it, if it ever happens, that is.

I also hate it how people think that I have anxiety, because I don't. I choose not to talk to the teachers or the psychiatrists, because I cannot trust them, because if I say anything, they will use that information against me and I don't need anymore of that right now. They said to be honest, so I will give them that one thing.

Do I hear voices in my mind, yes, I do. It's normal and is no way suggesting I'm crazy. The other Eternals all have it too, I am no exception. Do I see things others cannot, yes, I do. I see the other Eternals, they see me. Other people cannot because they do not have the ability. It is normal and natural to me. Why should that be seen as crazy? Do I think that I can read others' minds, yes, I do. Because I can. Telepathy works like that and the others, minus one, have it too. I've had it since before I was 'born' and it's a completely natural thing.

Again, I am not crazy but society thinks so and so people follow society's pathetic rules like drones. I hate it. I stick with people like the bronies who go against society. Hopefully one day, this fucking society, religion, will just fade from existence and never return. I think this world would be much better off anyways.

I guess I should not dwell on that stupid shit right now. It's around 11:50pm and I will begin to move on to the twenty ninth pretty soon. I had a pretty uneventful day in one form and a changing of time in another. But everything turned out okay and I hope it will at least stay that way for at least a few more days.