Author's Note

Author’s Note: The humor gets a little bit more vulgar in this chapter. And the ending is a tad less fun than I wanted, sorry about that. Next chapter should be… something… at least.

Special thanks to my editor, M2pt5. He was kind enough to make the images for Deadpool's text boxes.

Chapter the Third

Chapter the Third
In which Our Hero finally has a muffin

Derpy had turned out to be a slightly worse flier than Wade. He had been hoping to discreetly observe her during their mail deliveries for clues on how pegasi were actually supposed to fly. He wasn’t terribly disappointed though once he realized this. She was good company, and she even laughed at his terrible jokes. Not jokes about terrible things, just jokes that were terrible. He could control what came out of his mouth. Sometimes. Occasionally. Not very well, actually.

She also not once tried to kill him in order to shut him up. He was pretty sure that was a record. He might have been forgetting about someone though, his memory was fairly terrible.

Despite her natural clumsiness, Derpy was actually very accurate with her deliveries. Accurate in getting the right mail to the right pony at least. She did have an unfortunate habit of accidentally knocking over mailboxes. Despite this, she not once damaged a package in delivery.

Wade had discovered that he could read Equish as easily as he could read ancient Chinese script and so had helped Derpy deliver some letters. Despite the newness of his wings, he was faster in the air than Derpy. Though one couldn’t tell from the incidental property damage that he left behind that he was actually more accurate at getting the letters in the boxes and slots.

“It looks like we only have one package left to deliver,” Derpy said with good cheer as she looked into her mailbag. She landed and proceeded to pull out a sturdy shipping crate larger than she was.

“Wat,” said Wade as he observed this. He blinked rapidly and shook his head. “Ok, so. That was a thing that may or may not have been a hallucination.” He landed nearby, the borrowed cloak flowing in the wind of his landing. His ear cocked as if listening to someone else speak, “Well, I guess it is a little bit like that, but I’m not a nerd,” he said with an air of superiority. He then looked annoyed and said, “That doesn’t count. I thought it was the other kind.” He looked annoyed and laid his ears back, “Shaddup!” He flicked his tail as if swatting at a fly near his head and looked smug. “Hah hah! Didn’t think I could do that, didja?” he said to the air near his head. Then he looked at the enormous package and sniffed it cautiously. It smelled of gun oil and metal. He wasn’t sure if his pony nose was more sensitive than a normal pony, or if his mixed up powers had temporarily affected his sense of smell, but right now this sense was better than his human sense. Very faintly he picked up the scent of a high quality gun powder as well. It was one of the smells he was quite intimate with.

“Where is this one going to, huh?” Wade asked as he flew above the crate, looking for mailing labels. The crate was a rectangular wooden box that was two pony heights long and one pony height tall. It had three sets of grips near the top for a pegasus team to airlift it with. In Equish the word “Apogee” and a logo of a projectile exploding in confetti was stenciled in blue on the long sides. “Well, at least there isn’t any copyright infringement. I mean, anymore than there already is with a crossover, at least.” Wade said to himself. Derpy’s eye wandered a bit north as she looked at him in confusion.

“A crossover... like a managed jetstream spur?” Derpy asked. Wade shook his head and hummed thoughtfully. He seemed to accept the fact that jetstreams were at least as orderly as freeways from back home at face value. The crate that he was examining had the phrase “This End Up” and an arrow pointing toward the sky stenciled on each of its sides. The phrase “Danger: Handle with Extreme Care” was stenciled in bright red letters once on the small sides and twice on the long sides.

“Oh, this is Pinkie Pie’s. She is going to be so excited that it finally came in. She’s been asking about this all month,” Derpy said. She looked quite relieved for a moment, then realized that she had a potential problem. “Uh, I think we’re going to have to carry it all the way to Sugarcube Corner though,” she looked down and scuffed a hoof against the ground. “I kind of can’t get it back in the bag.”

“Huh, that’s unfortunate,” Wade said as he landed gently on top of the crate. Over the course of their mail deliveries that day he had gotten quite adept at gripping various items with his hooves. He grabbed the edges of the crate and tested its weight by rocking it back and forth with a rather surprising amount of care. It was heavy, very heavy. Infact it was too heavy for a single pegasus to air lift. “It isn’t the heaviest thing I’ve ever lifted before,” he said out loud, mostly to himself it seemed. He gently landed on the crate and stretched his wings. He gazed at his wings as he stretched them.

“Well, these wings really shouldn’t be capable of maintaining my flight anyways, so why not?” he said as he gripped the crate firmly at the center set of grips.

“It’s OK Wade, this is really too heavy for two pegasi to airlift safely. I’ll just go get Bulk Biceps to help us out,” Derpy said, then stepped back in surprise as Wade successfully lifted the crate up above roof level.

“I got this, sunshine, you lead the way to this Pinkie Pie person so he and/or she can get his and/or her totally-not-a-suspicious-package package today,” he said. He was not nearly as breathless as he should be for carrying something so heavy, but Derpy did live in Ponyville and had seen stranger things just in the past week. She shrugged philosophically and proceeded to lead the way to Sugarcube Corner.

“Sunshine is a real name in Equestria, not a nickname,” she said from her position slightly above him. They were not flying nearly so fast that they had to shout over the wind, and Wade had discovered that pegasus wings were surprisingly quiet during flight. Derpy had managed to pick up from Wade’s constant chatter that he was from a place so far away that he had never even heard of Equestria before.

"No joke? That is a really silly name. I dunno how long I can handle this place before I go insane. More insane, I mean." He snapped his tail near his head again and muttered, "You would." Derpy cocked her ears in his direction, in a pony's way of saying "come again" without actually speaking. Wade did notice, and had already figured out what it meant earlier today. "Oh, nothing, goldie, what are we looking for, anyways?" The sun was behind them as they flew towards the edge of town.

"Oh, you can't miss it. It's the only house that looks extra delicious!" she said brightly. Wade eyed the thatch roofs below with disbelief that they could be considered “delicious”. Then he spied a 1:1 scale gingerbread house up ahead.

“That does look pretty tasty,” Wade said. “Do they use magic to keep the wildlife from noshing it?” he asked. Derpy giggled at his question.

“It isn’t really candy, silly. It just looks like it,” she said in response.

“You never can tell with wizards and witches running about all willy-nilly up in here,” he said in his defense.

They had reached Sugarcube Corner. Derpy pulled out a clipboard with an attached pen while Wade carefully placed the crate on the ground out front. Then immediately leaped over the nearest patio table and landed on the next table behind it. The dishes on the table wobbled. The ponies that had previously been enjoying their snacks stared up at this strange, cloaked pony in surprise. They did not have much time to contemplate this new development though, as Wade quickly and acrobatically leapt and twirled around the patio, off the walls, and somehow off of the underside of some overhangs. All without using his wings to fly, only for balance. The cloak fluttered around, making his body mostly visible as he bounced about. Some of the ponies on the patio were spooked and galloped away, towards the large, gleaming, crystal palace near the south edge of town. They left their food and drinks behind. “Score, free food!” said Wade as he landed on a chair, in what would have been a one handed hand stand position in a human body. He noisily ate the leftovers and slurped up the abandoned drinks. The remaining ponies kept an eye on him as they resumed their business and-or pleasure out on the patio.

Derpy had taken the clipboard inside, presumably to get the signature of the package owner and so missed the excitement. Wade pushed off from the chair and twirled about, sticking a solid landing on his hind hooves in between the door and the crate.

The door opened to a pink blur that bowled over the posing Wade and resolved itself into a bright pink pony with a cotton candy mane and three balloons for a cutie mark. She hugged the crate and stroked it.

“Finally. You’re here, my precious. We will make the most awesome-est, bestest, super duper exciting parties, you and I,” she whispered to the crate. Then she pronked on top of it and managed to open it by landing on it. It opened in such a way that the sides fell over and the packing straw blew out to reveal a fully assembled party autocannon. It was bright blue, trimmed in yellow, and had “Pinkie’s Party Piece” painted in pink near the mouth of the barrel. There were also colorfully decorated shells lined up in a rectangle surrounding the autocannon. There were shells decorated with confetti, shells decorated with streamers, shells decorated with balloons, and even shells decorated with party favors.

Wade picked himself back up and gazed at the autocannon in appreciation. The pink pony, presumably Pinkie Pie, was now picking up shells seemingly at random and examining them with excitement. Wade paced around the autocannon and looked at it critically.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t have thought these ponies could build something like this, either,” he said to himself. From Wade’s experienced eye he could tell that it was for all intents and purposes a nearly modern automatic cannon. Not as modern as Stark tech, but those were harder and harder to come by since Iron Man had come about and given Stark a conscience. “Pfft, who needs one of those, anyways. They just get in the way of all the fun!” Wade declared. Though it was not obvious from the complete lack of transition, he was no longer talking about the gun.

“You can have lots of fun with a conscience!” Pinkie Pie said in response, though she still had yet to look away from her new toys. Wade giggled immaturely. Pinkie looked up and saw him. She bounced up into the air and somehow managed to hover in excitement without wings. “Omigosh! I haven’t met you before! Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your favorite color? And your favorite food? Do you like cake? Of course you like cake, everypony likes cake, unless you don’t like cake. Oh no! How can we have a party without cake? Don’t worry I’ll think of something!” Pinkie Pie said. She spoke very rapidly, such that it was hard to determine where one word ended and the next began. Wade didn’t have any trouble following along though. Pinkie floated back to the ground and then pulled a hat labeled “thinking cap” out of her mane and put it on. She rubbed her chin and gazed thoughtfully into the distance.

“I don’t think I’ve met you before, either. At least I don’t remember you. I’m Wade Wilson, everybody’s favorite merc with a mouth, Deadpool,” Wade said. “Red is my favorite color. I do like cake, except lie-cake, that is such a disappointment. But then you get to blow up robots, which is pretty cool I guess. Almost makes up for the lack of cake,” he paused a moment. “Oh, yeah, I’m a Gemini and I enjoy long walks on the beach under the moonlight.”

Derpy had come out of the cafe with a bag that smelled of bananas, nuts, and bread. She looked at the autocannon with some concern. Then said, around a mouthful of paper bag, “Pw’ncess ‘Una w’ll ee haffy ooo ear haff.” Wade blinked at her but Pinkie Pie nodded in agreement.

“Yeah! That would make her really happy to know someone enjoys her moonlight!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “You should be sure to tell her when you meet her.”

“Who says I’m meeting this Luna person, anyways,” Wade said huffily. Pinkie Pie leaned in near Wade’s ear and gestured upwards with her hoof.

“You know who,” she whispered with great seriousness. Wade flicked his tail and fluttered his wings in annoyance.

“Harumph,” he harumphed.

“Foreshadowing!” Pinkie exclaimed and threw her hooves out dramatically. Then she dropped back to all fours and jumped back onto the topic of parties with no transition. “Well I’m glad we’re having cake, things were looking pretty bleak there for a bit!” She bounced lightly in place, as if she couldn’t stay still. She then looked at the air above Wade’s head.

“Yeah, I’m a bit curious about that myself,” Wade said.

“We’re having a party!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. She looked in the air again, Wade nodded, and opened his mouth to speak. Pinkie said pre-emptively, “A welcome to Ponyville party, of course! What kind of party pony would I be if I didn’t throw parties? Not a very good one, you know!” She looked at the lack of anything in the air above his head again and said, “Oh, sure. We can have chimichangas! I like chimichangas, too! Do you like cherries? I made a cherrychanga once, it was really tasty. Cherries, and cream, and tortilla, all deep fried and covered in powdered sugar. Maybe it was really a chimicherry. I still can’t decide, but whatever it was it was goooood!” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. She looked in the air on the other side of Wade’s head and said, “What do you mean? Of course I can see you silly, you’re right there!”

Wade raised a hoof as to call attention back to himself, “Uh, actually no one else can see Yellow and Courier Font except me. I mean, maybe Jean Luc could, or I guess Priscilla, if I had had them during that run, but usually no one else notices them,” he said. “Except the reader, of course,” he added. Derpy looked confused at the mention of a reader.

Pinkie nodded as if it were a completely normal thing to say. “Of course,” she agreed.

“Wha’ weader?” Derpy asked around the mouthful of paper bag that she still had. Pinkie and Wade waved their hooves dismissively.

“Don’t worry about it,” they both said simultaneously. Then they pointed at each other and said, “Jinx!” They giggled foalishly.

“Well, that must be really confusing. Nopony can see who you’re talking to,” Pinkie said as she examined the air above his head.

“Yeah, well, they just think I’m crazier than I actually am. It can come in handy, being underestimated,” Wade shrugged his wings. “Though between you and me I think someone is just being lazy.” Pinkie Pie reached a hoof up and poked the air above Wade’s head. He shied back in surprise. “Hey, that tickled!” Pinkie grabbed at the air and started pulling. Wade reared back, but seemed to be stuck in place. “Hee hee, that feels—” he giggled and snorted and then fell over in an awkward heap as a yellow box filled with English words popped loudly into existence between Pinkie Pie’s hooves.

Wade snickered. The yellow box scrolled above his head in a long string of text.

Derpy reared back and flared her wings in surprise. She stared in confusion at the English words in the box floating above Wade’s head. Pinkie Pie did not seem to have any problems reading the words and nodded in agreement.

“Panels are so confining! Animation is the best! Text is nice but it’s so hard to do a good sight gag without pictures,” Pinkie complained to the yellow text box. Pinkie looked at the air on the opposite side of Wade’s head. “Oh, sorry. Let me get that for you!” Pinkie reached into the air and grabbed and pulled.

“Oh man that feels so weird, all strange and tingly,” Wade said as he stood back up and shook out his head and wings. He danced in place, “Like getting feeling back in a severed limb, ugh.” There was an obnoxious poit sound and a white text box with English text appeared.

The white text box made an effort to stretch it’s text as far as the eye could see, however it seemed that it’s range of effect was limited by proximity to Wade and it stopped abruptly about two pony lengths away.

“I better get to work on baking if we’re going to have a party!” Pinkie declared. She pulled out a brightly colored ammo box and scooped all of the shells into it in one go, then lifted the party autocannon up and put both the ammo box and cannon in her mane. “Don’t forget to check your journal when you get stuck!” she exclaimed as she pronked back inside Sugarcube Corner.

Derpy was unphased by Pinkie Pie’s shenanigans and instead was trying to poke the white text box. It was floating away and around and about in an effort to avoid her curious hooves.

Wade watched in amusement as Derpy inadvertently tormented his white box. She had flown up above it and was now successfully poking it. She bounced on it, then set her paper bag down on top of it.

“You have no shame, Yellow,” Wade snickered and tried to look like a completely respectable pony.

“Well, it is almost like a cloud, but firmer. Were these the ponies you’ve been talking to this whole time? Does this have something to do with your cutie mark? What language are they writing in? It doesn’t look like Tauran or Griff,” Derpy said. She picked up her bag and flew over to an unoccupied table. “I got you a muffin. Thanks for helping me with the mail today!” Derpy said cheerfully.

“Aw, thanks honeybun! We all love free food,” Wade said as he flipped over to the table, landing in the chair directly from his acrobatic flip. He sat upright, like a human. The boxes moved along with him, staying above his head. Derpy blushed and pulled out two very large muffins from the bag. Wade idly wondered if all containers here were somewhat magical, as there really was no way these muffins should have fit in there. They were each the size of a foal’s head.

“I got zucchini-carrot-oat-raisin. It’s really good!” she said. She was clearly happy to be sharing one of her favorite muffins.Wade’s face froze in a forced smile.

“You guys are doing that all on your own,” Wade said. He steeled himself and took a giant bite of the muffin. He chewed noisily and made a happy sound.

Wade suddenly stopped chewing and swallowed the large bite in one big gulp.

“Guys. I just had the worst thought! What if there’s no Mexican food in Equestria!”

“I was totally paying attention,” Wade said in an attempt to defend himself.

Derpy was not really trying to keep up with the conversation, as she couldn’t read the text in either text box. She was taking slightly more reasonable bites from her muffin and chewing politely as she waited for answers to her questions. Wade finished the rest of the muffin in another giant bite and belched loudly.

“That was good, thanks Derpy,” Wade said sincerely. He picked at his teeth with his tongue, “They’re still in English, it looks like. They aren’t good conversationalists anyways, you aren’t missing much. Trust me.” Wade added, having apparently just remembered her questions. The ponies still out on the patio had taken the strangeness all in stride. “What do you mean cutie mark? Is that what this weird butt tattoo is called?” he asked her. He wiggled his flank under the cloak for emphasis. The other ponies on the patio stared at him in shock. Derpy was equally surprised.

“Were there just no ponies at all, where you were? Nearly everypony gets a cutie mark! It tells you about your destiny,” Derpy said. Wade hummed thoughtfully and tapped out a rhythm on his flank.

“Well, nothing really enlightening about my butt blemish then. I already knew I was destined for Death,” Wade said philosophically. Derpy looked sadly at her muffin as Wade said this.

“It didn’t help him get a job any, though. Not after that fluster cluck with the things and the stuff,” Wade said in irritation.

“It is a pretty sweet collection. Also. Top billing. Bro-fist,” Wade said and raised a hoof.

The boxes replied and then bounced off of his outstretched hoof.

“Don’t say such things, Wade, everypony dies, it’s true, but- well OK I don’t think the Princesses die, actually, but nearly everypony dies and even if your cutie mark is about death then it doesn’t mean you’re destined to die!” Derpy was getting worked up at what she clearly saw as something terrible. Wade waved a hoof lackadaisically.

“Eh, it’s no biggie. I’ve got a bitchin’ healing factor. I can’t actually stay dead. I always come back,” he seemed accepting and calm about his immortality. But then his voice dropped and he said lowly. “Every. Single. Time. I come back.” He stood up and stretched, cracking and popping his joints with what appeared to be deliberate loudness. “Whatever, I think I have a mission or something.” He pulled his journal out and looked at his notes. “Oh yeah, find the Princess!”

Derpy leapt at him with earnest emotion in her eyes and hugged him. He twitched in surprise and made a visible effort to stand still.

Derpy was oblivious to how close she had come to any sort of peril.

“Oh Wade, that is just so awful, I’m so sorry! No one deserves such pain! You’re right, we should go to Princess Twilight Sparkle. I’m sure she’ll know what to do, she knows everything!” Derpy sniffled, gave him a squeeze and looked up at his face with hope.

Wade’s face lost all expression and he stepped back.

“You don’t know me, lady. I’m a monster.” Wade said quietly. Derpy looked at him sadly.

“Princess Twilight Sparkle will help, you’ll see!” she said earnestly. Wade was uncharacteristically silent as they made their way towards the castle. The boxes shrunk down to barely visible dots as they whispered in Wade’s ears.

The colossal crystal castle made from the power of friendship gleamed in the distance.