I Just Don't Know What to Say

I stretched my back and sat up on the couch, “it all happened ten years ago. I worked for a division of royal guards back in the day...a stealth division I guess is what you could call it. I was told to break into something and get some evidence for a certain case.” I was being vague so I could keep certain things classified. “However before I went to any of that, I told my coltfriend that I wouldn’t be home for a while.”

“You have a coltfriend?” Berry wondered.

“It’s part of the story you’ll see,” I cleared my throat. “He didn’t want me to leave but I did...I had no choice but to leave. I went on this mission and my destination was Saddle Arabia.”

“Was it nice there?” She asked.

“It’s different that’s for sure,” I replied. “It took me about seven days to get there. I already knew the location I had to go to and everything, I knew my target, I knew what I had to do. However things turned for the worse,” I gripped my glass a little tight. “I got captured and thrown into a prison. The part I regret is that I told my coltfriend where I would be. So he consistently kept sending letters to me.”

“Awww he was thinking about you,” Berry said.

“Yeah I know…” I took another sip of my whisky. “I had to send him a letter back, telling him to stop and that we were through.”

“Why would you do that?” Berry asked.

“He was putting himself in danger and I didn’t want him to get hurt,” I replied. “However he kept sending and sending and sending. It took me five letters before I could respond because getting even a corner of a piece of paper wasn’t easy in that place I was in. I had to trade for it, I got a few sheets of paper and was able to write back. I tried explaining myself but I couldn’t say anything that would alarm anypony.”

“How did he even get the letters to you?” Berry asked.

“Well it goes to the mail place of Saddle Arabia and they put my name through a system, they see I’m in jail, they send the letter to the prison, vice versa,” I replied. “At one point in that prison, me and some of the prisoners I made friends with...had a plan to escape.”

“Whoa, whoa you’re a runaway convict?” Berry said shocked.

“Well not anymore...I got that cleared up years ago,” I said. “Anywho, we got out and far away from that place. I made it to a small town called Apple Loosa. I got a change of clothes and some paper so I could tell him I was out and coming home...now however I had his problem. He wasn’t responding to me this time.”

“Oh no,” Berry sounded kinda sad.

I took a deep breath and gripped my drink harder trying not cry in front of her. “I wrote three letters...two were toward him cause I wasn’t home yet and the third...was to keep me sane in the situation.”

“Did you get to see him again?” Berry asked.

“...no,” I replied softly. “It was all because of me to…” A couple of tears began to roll down my cheeks. “It was all because I was trying to keep him safe, but he wouldn’t listen and it didn’t help that being in that stupid prison made my life worse! Yes I know he was worried about me and he wanted to help. In all honesty I still cared for him, I still thought about him, I still needed him, I just didn’t want him to get hurt! So much happened behind those walls that I just don’t want to go into detail about it. It was torture...terrible, terrible things…” There was practically waterfalls coming out of my eyes now. I knew I would break down at some point, but not in front of a filly of all ponies.

Berry scooted over to me and gave me a hug, “I’m sorry I asked,” she said quietly.

I wiped the tears from my eyes, “don’t worry about it...I’m sorry you had to see that,” I said. Berry hugged me tighter, I knew she was trying to make me feel better but I didn’t feel comfortable hugging back.

She stopped hugging me and looked at me dead in the eye, “I could never say that I’ve heard anypony bring up something or go through something like that. I’m sorry you had to go through something as unimaginable as that.”

“Again don’t you worry about it okay,” I said. “You are too young to have to deal with what’s  wrong with me.”

“Shush!” Berry said in a high tone. “I’m your friend now, of course I’m going to help you.”

Surprised by how she was acting I reply, “Berry again that’s sweet, but you really shouldn’t be friends with me...I’m doing it for your safety.”

“Sandy I just wanna help,” she sounded bummed saying that.

“Well I can’t accept your help,” I said in a harsh tone. She started to look sad... “Listen Berry, I appreciate the offer and everything you’ve said. However you’re just a young girl and I can’t let you have responsibility of me or my actions toward you.”

She looked down, “can we still be friends?”

I’d feel bad if I said no... “of course we can, but no asking about that  past stuff okay?”

“As you wish Sandy!” Berry said perking back up.

I was still feeling down after that whole story but somehow she got me to smile. I don’t know who this filly is deep down, but I have a feeling she’s gonna help turn me around without even helping in the first place. I looked outside and saw it was nighttime, “oh shoot Berry we gotta get you home.”

She turned around and looked outside, “oh dang guess we got caught up in talking. Are you gonna walk me home?”

“In this weather, of course I am,” I said. I grabbed my sweater and we both went out the door. “Do you know your way home from here?”

“Oh yeah, it’s actually not too far,” she replied.

“Alright that’s great, let us get there quickly,” I said. I followed her down the road. The wind was gusting a little harsh, blowing snow up into our faces sometimes. Didn’t expect the wind to be so strong tonight. Berry was skipping along happily, I think she was happy she made a friend. Though how much of a non-friend I am going to be, it’s good to see somepony happy. She quickly turned a corner to go down some alley way. Weird place for a family to live, but alright.

Berry stopped in front of a door and tried to turn the knob. “Huh it’s locked,” Berry said confused.

“Seriously?” I said, “try knocking I guess.”

Berry knocked on the door. As she was doing that I was looking at the windows of the house. All the lights seemed to be off, the curtains were pulled shut...and enough time has passed to not have an answer. I walked up to the door and knocked as hard as I could to try to get some attention if anypony was home. Time passed again and there was no answer.

I looked down toward Berry, “are you sure they’re home?”

“They should be,” she replied sounding a little worried.

I knocked once more hoping to get something this time. Again nothing, “Berry I don’t think they’re home.”

“They told me they’d be home by five something. You have a watch?” Berry asked.

“I do,” I said looking at my watch, six thirty. “It’s a hour and a half past that.”

“That’s strange,” Berry replied sounding even more worried.

“Don’t worry I’m sure they’re on their way back,” I said. “Lets just wait out here for a few minutes and see if they come back.”

“What if they don’t?” Berry asked.

“If they don’t...well I’m not sure yet,” I replied. The weather tonight was getting a little fierce so I didn’t want to stand out here too long.  I’m kind of hoping they’re just around the corner.

Berry was drawing in the snow, “hey Sandy.”

“Yes?” I looked down at her.

“What were your parents like?” She asked.

“My parents?” I said puzzled.

“Yeah, just curious,” she said looking down at the snow.

“Like any average parents I guess. Not too exciting,” I replied. “How about yours?”

“Eh,” she replied as she continued drawing.

“That’s it?” I asked.

“They’re always busy soooo I usually just stay at a friends house or something,” she said. “Sometimes it feels like I barely know my own parents, but what can I argue for? They have good paying jobs that send them on trips a lot. I don’t get to go on them usually, but they do invite me to some. They’re really protective of me for some reason...probably because I’m their only daughter.”

A young girl like her who barely knows her own parents. That’s kinda sad actually, I don’t understand how she just smiles through something like that. The wind started gusting harder and the air was getting colder. We couldn’t stay out here much longer.

I turn to Berry, “I still don’t see them coming back.”

Berry looked up from her drawing and looked around, “this is weird,” she said concerned. “They don’t do something like this normally, they’re very tight on schedules and what not.”

Berry looked up at me as I was thinking. I know what I have to do here...and I’m gonna feel bad for doing it because nopony should stay with me. “Berry, I’m gonna offer you to stay at my house for the night.”

“Are you sure about that?” Berry asked which confused me because she was all on top of being my friend...wonder why she would suddenly care.

“Yes I’m sure,” I replied. “I’m not about to leave you out in the cold like this. Nopony deserves that, we’ll come back in the morning and see if they’re home.”

Berry sprung up, “YAY sleepover!” She said with excitement.

“Alright let’s get back to my house before the weather gets too bad.” I said. We walked out of the alley and made our way back to my house. I hope these ponies are home when we come by tomorrow and hopefully they don’t freak out when Berry is not there. Still I am curious where they are. It’s two hours past when they said they would be home. As Berry said they’re tight on schedules...so why not this one? I really hope nothing bad happened, I can tell Berry has gone through enough.

Berry stood in front of my door waiting for me. I unlocked the door and let us both in. She took off her jacket and I took off my sweater. We hung them both up on the coat hanger by the door. Berry went over to the couch and took a seat. I went over to the closet in the hall and opened it. I grabbed a spare blanket and a pillow for Berry.

I close the closet and walk over to her, “I hope you don’t mind sleeping on the couch.”

“Please I sleep on couches all the time, don’t worry about me.” Berry replied.

I hand her the blanket and pillow, “alright well get sleep whenever you can.”

She took the blanket and pillow, “you going to bed already?” She asked.

“Yeah,” I replied softly. “I go to bed earlier than the average pony.”

“Really, why?” Berry wondered.

“I get night terrors,” I said. “I sleep early cause I usually get them once a week and it keeps me awake. I lose sleep because of them so I try to sleep earlier.”

“Dang...well you get some sleep then,” she said with a smile. “You kinda deserve it for all the stuff you’ve gone through.”

“Alright, you can watch the t.v if you want,” I said. “Good-night Berry.”

“Night night Sandy,” she replied.

I walk off to my room and push the door closed behind me not holding the handle as it shuts. I take off my pants for a more comfortable sleep. I lay down in my bed and look towards the ceiling. This young filly is probably the weirdest filly I’ve ever met. Though I’d be lying if I said she wasn’t helping even though it’s not that much it’s something. I still don’t understand why she wants to be my friend. I don’t want to allow it but, she’s not gonna give this up. She wants to help, I know she does. I just don’t want her to go through the pressure of having to deal with me...I hope she understands that.

I pull the covers up to my chest and then turn on my side. I close my eyes...hoping tonight will be peaceful.