I Just Don't Know What to Say

          “I see so this is what happened all those years ago?” My psychiatrist said to me.

I was looking toward the ceiling, laying down on a couch, trying my hardest not to cry. “That’s correct, and it’s not till just recently that the investigators gave those letters back to me.”

“Mmhmm,” he put the letters on his table next to him, “well Ms.Heart on the bright side this will help me with you,” he said bluntly.

“Well that’s great and all,” I said slowly sitting up, “but to be honest I really don’t think these sessions are helping me.”

“Ms.Heart, I know you can’t see it very well but, these sessions have been indeed helping you.”

“I don’t see it,” I responded, “I just don’t see it at all.”

“I’m glad you’re being open with this,” he said adjusting his glasses, “but I assure you there is some change. Nothing drastic of course but, little by little you’re starting to get healthier.” He sat up in his chair pulling out a notepad, “now lets do the small stuff and continue this next week. How’s the alcohol consumption going?”

I looked at him scratching the back of my head, “It’s getting better, I’m not drinking as much as I used to.”

“Good, good,” he wrote that down, “and how is the “getting out of the house and connecting with others” playing out?”

“That hasn’t been going so well,” I said honestly, “it’s really hard for me to connect with other ponies for some reason.”

“That’s no surprise Ms.Heart it’ll take some time,” he wrote that down as well. “Alright I have another patient here in a couple minutes Ms.Heart so I’m afraid we’ll have to cut it here.”

“That’s fine, thank you Dr.Mistral,” I said.

“No problem at all Ms.Heart, now get out there, make some friends and find your relaxing point,” he said with motivation in his tone.

“I’ll try my best, “ I responded with a soft smile.

“Atta girl, don’t forget your sweater it’s pretty cold out there today and good luck,” he said as I was walking out of the room.

“Thanks doctor,” I grabbed my sweater then I shut his door behind me and headed for the main entrance of the building. I. Feel. Horrible. It’s been six years since I last seen those letters and they just brought my past right back to me. I was trying to avoid it as much as I could but now I feel I’m falling right back down in the hole and I don’t like it. I’m just about frustrated enough to cry but I’m holding it back, can’t do it in front of ponies I don’t know because for some reason this place was full of ponies...busy day for the doctors I guess.

I opened the main doors of the building with a little force and walked out into the snow. It was snowing a little bit, covering every corner of the ground in white fluff. I took a deep breath and began to walk home. I crossed my arms, and gripped the upper part of them. I was just ready to break down right then and there, I wanted to fall down on my hands and knees and just scream….I haven’t felt this way in six years and seeing those letters just made me drop back down in the hole I was climbing out from. Not even the calming, happy sounds of Ponyville was making me feel better like it used to. I always liked coming outside, but today was not one of those days.

As I was walking down the road back to my house I got hit in the left shoulder with a snowball.

A young filly sprung up from behind a snow fort, “s-sorry!” She said.

I looked toward her, “don’t worry about it young one, just careful where you are throwing those.”

She tilted her head to the side, “miss are you okay?”

I looked at her confused, “what makes you think I’m not okay?”

“The tone of your voice says more than what you are saying...at least that’s what my grandpa told me,” she replied.

I sighed, “listen I appreciate the concern, especially from somepony as young as yourself but, this problem happens to be personal.”

She looked at me with concern now, “you sure you don’t need a friend?”

My eyes widened when she said that and for some reason...I smiled, “you have a good head on your shoulders little one, keep it that way...and thank you but I’m a little out of your age to be friends with you.”

“I can be friends with anypony as long as I trust them,” she smiled.

“For your safety, I wouldn’t be friends with me...I’m not exactly the best,” I replied. “Again thank you but I must be going,” I said as I walked off.

“Bye miss!’ The filly said from behind me, I simply held my hand up and waved.

I can’t believe a filly tried to help me...am I that obvious? I opened the door to my house and walked in. I closed the door behind me and took off my sweater. I sat down on my couch and put my sweater beside me. I put my hands behind my head and looked toward the ceiling. I closed my eyes and started taking repeated deep breaths to try and relax. I put my arms down to my sides and looked at my t.v. Seeing myself in the reflection I grabbed the remote and turned it on...I didn’t want to see me right now. When the t.v came on the first thing was the news talking about weather, sports, all that nonsense. I didn’t really care though, I just needed some noise in the background.

I felt calmer...relaxed even, like everything stopped bugging me...till I heard a knock at the door. I’m hoping it’s just some package or something. I open the door and see no pony in sight. I looked left and I looked right.

“Down here!” A voice said from below me.

I look down and it’s that filly I talked to earlier, “what are you doing here? Did you follow me?”

“Maaaaaaybe,” the filly said sarcastically.

I sighed putting a hand on my forehead, “why did you follow me home?”

“Like I said before, you looked like you needed a friend,” she smiled ear to ear.

I slid my hand down my face, “filly, listen I understand you wanna try and help but seriously it’d be better if you played with or hung out with somepony else.”

“Well...my friends came by the minute you left and said they had to go home early,” she said kinda sadly. “So I was thinking “hey that girl was nice, why not hang with her!” I don’t mean to intrude or anything, I just wanted to kinda hang a bit.”

“That’s sweet,” I replied in a dull tone. “However filly, I’m not exactly the safest to be around. I’ve been having a lot of mental issues...if you understand what I mean.” I was being blunt with her, hoping to scare her off.

“I totally understand what you mean,” she replied in a happy tone. “I had to help my older sister get through some heavy stuff to, I know what it’s like.”

You’re kidding right? I try to get rid of her and this is what I get...I got an idea at that moment, something that shouldn’t fail me. “Well okay but wouldn’t your parents not like you hanging out with older ponies such as myself?” This has to work there’s no way it can’t.

I looked at her face, her emotion sunk, “I haven’t seen my parents for a long time...I’ve been living with my sister but she’s out of town. So I’ve been at a friends house recently and I told his dad that I would be out with a friend.”

Well….don’t I feel bad now. She came to me cause she had no pony to hang out with. I just let out a sigh, “alright come in, but this is really irresponsible of me I hope you know that.”

“I know, my friend and his parents are out right now so that’s why I went to friends for company,” she said walking into my house.

I shut the door, “why didn’t they take you with them?” I asked.

“Well, they said it was a personal family matter,” she replied sitting on my couch.

I raise an eyebrow, “that or not they are in charge of you right?”

“Well yes, but I said I was gonna be with friends...friends never happened so I came to you,” she said.

“I see,” I actually felt bad for her...I don’t even know her name. “I guess since were getting to know each other, might as well introduce ourselves. I’m Sandra Heart, but I prefer when ponies just call me Sandy.”

“You got a pretty name,” she said smiling. “My name is Berry Leaves...of course my short name is Berry.”

“Alright good to know,” I hand her the t.v remote, “you can watch whatever you please I just kinda have this on for noise.”

She took the remote, “I like your house by the way,” Berry said.

“You do?” I questioned. “I thought this would be a little messy for you.”

“Nah reminds me of my old home actually...not the lay out but the scatteredness of everything,” she said giggling.

“Honest are we?” I said.

“Oh don’t take offense by it, stuff like this make me feel cozy,” she said.

“Mmm like a little disorganization, I see,” I said.

“Yeah, and the layout of the house is easily accessible to,” she said. “You got your kitchen over there which isn’t blocked off to the living room so you don’t have to leave the kitchen to watch t.v, your rooms are right down a hall so when you walk out of one you’re basically right into the living room. I like this simplistic stuff.”

I turned my head to her slowly, “Whaaaat?” I said confused.

“Oh guess I should mention my special talent is interior decorating,” she said with a smile.

“Now that all made sense,” I said walking into the kitchen. I opened a cabinet and grabbed a bottle of whisky. I put the whisky on the counter and looked back to the cabinet and pulled out one of my whisky glasses. I twisted the cap to the whisky and poured some into the glass.

“Only have two of those a week,” Berry said not even looking at me.

“I’m not even gonna question how you knew I was doing this but okay,” I said closing the bottle of whiskey and putting it back into the cabinet. I went over and sat on the couch next to Berry to see what she was watching.

“If you don’t mind me asking Ms.Sandy, how long have you been having...whatever it is you’re having,” she asked.

I looked down at my cup of whisky and sighed, “about ten years.”

“Ten years!” Berry said shocked, “what happened?”

“Do you really wanna know?” I asked. “It’s not exactly the prettiest.”

“I can handle it,” Berry said confidently. “I’ve listened to a lot of dark stuff in my past and I wanna help you if I can.”

I smiled softly and took a sip of my whisky. “Alright sit back....I guess it’s story time.”