Paranoia

I finished getting dressed. "Why exactly did you bring me dress clothes?" I brushed my shirt down and wiped off my jeans. "I feel really overdone."

Octavia shook her head. "You know, those aren't dress clothes. And just because you live your life naked or in sweat pants doesn't make them any less lazy!" She stomped a hoof into the small plot of grass in her back yard. "Now, tea time." She snapped her tail at me like a whip. "Unless you'd rather go back in the box."

I sighed deeply and walked slowly towards the grey mare. "So, before we go in can you please explain who those people are?"

Octavia spun around, pressing her flank against the clean wood back door. "First, you explain the box!"

I crossed my arms and looked off to the side wall. "That guy horse from naval something said he had a way to get me out of the hospital alone. Then I'm surrounded by ponies and a griffon in packing uniforms and bam, I'm shipped." I shrugged. "Weird thing is, this is only the second time this has happened to me. First time I was five though...so, yeah. I don't really count that one."

Octavia just stared at me, a tired, annoyed stare. "You've spent far too much time in enclosed spaces, it's started to impact your--"

"It also got your attention, so, think positive." I smiled at her. "Still don't know how I got this lucky--"

"Lucky?" Octavia laughed. "Oh dear, you have no idea." She smiled at me, a sick, insidious smile. My stomach twisted as she looked me over. "And how? Well, you paid well, you had a bit of mystery about you, and you did risk your life for me just a little bit."

"The CS gas thing?" I waved my hand at her. "No, no. That was my fault so--"

Octavia rolled her eyes. "So you ran full tilt into a room, naked, full of tear gas." She looked up at me with a smile. "Dear, you both caused that, then sorted it, and considering what I found I was the first pony inside in years. So, you had your chance, and I like a challenge." She walked up to me and rubbed my thigh. "And you are a bit cute, just a bit with that butchery you did to your mane."

I pushed her hoof away from my lap. "Octavia stop. Makes me feel funny when you touch me."

Octavia looked up at me with a bemused look. "Is there anything I do that doesn't make you feel funny?"

"Uh, fart at me." I crossed my arms and stepped back onto the cold lawn. "That was really--" Octavia just started snickering. "Oh fuck you!"

Octavia shook her head. "You did, and you got kicked in the teeth if I recall!"

I glared at her and stepped up onto her porch. "Yeah, thanks for that!"

Octavia puffed her chest out. "You're welcome! I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted!"

I threw my arms out. "I did!"

"Well good!"

I ducked down before her. "It was! Tasted like vanilla." I put my arms around her head and leaned against her neck. "Except for the teeth kicking, everything went really well."

Octavia grunted softly and leaned against me. "By the way, if you're expecting to be top in this, you're going to be sorely mistaken."

I started leaning against her. "Oh my god...I'm perfectly okay with this--"

"Well good, then get inside and find a seat!" Octavia stomped her hoof.

I held onto her tight. "Who are they?! Seriously, before I go in, who am I dealing with?"

Octavia sighed loudly. "Family."

"Oh no!" I let go of her and stood up. "I told you about the box, you tell me who they are! Your kids!?"

Octavia looked back at her house. "Yes. Sperm donors all."

I frowned overly hard. "Girl, that's really something you should mention on a first date!"

Octavia sat on her haunches and shrugged. "Have we been on a first date?"

"Yes!" I looked over in the general direction of Canterlot Castle. "The bunker counts!"

Octavia shook her head. "No dear, no it does not." She shook her head even hard. "Three months of off and on visits into an underground doom chamber do not count for steady dating."

I frowned softly. "But, you, me, table--"

"Yes dear, yes, I know." Octavia reached out and put a hoof on my toes. "I do count the few times you actually let me in as rather precious. But you and I need to actually be proper about this."

I bit my lip. "So...kids?"

Octavia perked up. "Oh, yes. As I said, sperm donors. Two human, one pony. Now-" she lifted a hoof, "-why I didn't mention it. I don't raise them."

I held my arms out. "You don't raise your own kids?"

Octavia nodded. "I wasn't raised by my mother either."

I raised my arms. "What? No- no no, wat?"

Octavia stretched her neck. "Family traditions are odd, aren't they?" She huffed softly and turned to the door. "Children are raised by their grandparents. That's why my mother is here, that's why my mother tends to call me a butch lesbian, that's why she still blames her own mother for me fitting her description." Octavia shrugged softly. "Now, tea time."

I bit my lip. "Classy as ever." I followed her up to the door. "Can I just say, you saying all that doesn't change the fact that you're still more feminine than me."

Octavia looked up at me. "Dear, when I found you, you were covered in burger grease and reeked of body odor. Any griffon is more feminine than you were." She smiled at me again, the painfully sour smile. "Now, I believe we can fix that--"

"You're not going to shove me in a box, are you?" I put my hands into my waistband. "Clock had the same look right before he shoved me into his box." I started snickering. "Granted if there was a box I was going to be shoved into, I'd rather it--"

"You're not funny." Octavia cut me off with a mean glare.

"I'm trying damn it!"

Octavia slapped my leg with her tail. "You're confusing sexual crassness for wit. Now stop it. And no, no box shoving."