Paranoia

I pulled a chair into the airlock. "...God damn it. Why am I doing this?" I set it down, pushing it against the wall. "Stupid...." I turned away from the chair, locking up and heading towards my  controls. I closed up, sitting there staring at the main room for a bit. "... What the hell is wrong with me?" I asked myself, slowly realizing how bat shit I was. I rubbed my face, trying to peel myself away from the window. I felt horrid, I wanted to wait, but I had to go, I could keep better tabs on the world from my monitor room.

I leaned my nose against the one way glass, staring at the concrete shell that lead to the outside world. "... I should go shower...." I mumbled, suddenly concerened about my hygiene. "I have a crush, don't I?" I rubbed my face and slid off my chair. "God damn it, Maine, stop. You're not a human, stop being human." I walked through the rec room, knocking over a book along the walk. I felt fine, I didn't talk to anyone face to face, why did I even care if I was greasy.

I rubbed my shoulders, my chest a bit heavy. "Ugh, I need to work out...or eat less. Both."

I continued, the cold concrete floor painfully hard against my feet. "Well that's-- Stop talking to yourself damn it!" I shouted, gripping my head. "Stop! Stop now! I said stop!" I ran towards my bathroom, pulling off my hoodie as quick as I could. "Arggh!" I yanked my pants off in the hall, hurrying into the bathroom. The marble floor and clean modern look possibly the nicest and most under utilized thing I owned.

I pulled off my panties, tossing them aside and hurrying into the bath. "...You're fat Maine, you're fat!" I yanked the hot water on, showering me in burning hot water. I just stood there, steam flying off my skin and leaving me in searing pain. "...Ow...." I turned down the heat. "You're stupid too." I looked down, my thin legs painfully flabby. "And hairy...." I took a deep breath, dreading that upcoming issue. "Femininityimityimity is bullshit."

I started to wash myself, becoming painfully aware how disgusting I was. It felt like I was peeling, sickness and dirt chugging down the drain. "... Mom was right." I grabbed an unused bar of soap. "Fuck ladies." I brought the soap to my skin, the bar a bit painful against my skin. "And girls...." I put the soap on my hair, the bar somehow less slick than my scalp. "What the hell am I?"

I continued to shower, feeling a pound of grimy death flow off my and down the drain. I slowly felt grosser and grosser, realizing just how far I'd let myself fall. Being in the middle of such a disgusting shell was fine, but peeling out of it and looking back was absolutely horrifying. "I'm showering for a mare I barely know... I'm such an asshole."

I leaned my head against the wall, shifting my legs and scratching my thigh with my bush. "Huuh... I don't think I have a razor." I rubbed my face, thankful for the fact I didn't have facial hair. The water dripped between my fingers, reminding me of some rather lewd things. "Not really the time body, not the time." I slid my free hand down my thigh. I didn't want to touch myself, my pubic hair too scratchy and unkempt. The shame quickly killed my arousal, leaving me clutching my own shoulders as I burned away the dirt that coated me.

I was disgusting, but I knew I could change. "I hope she has a good back.... She's an earth pony, so probably." I ran my hand over my chest, my skin painfully smooth. "God I'm gross." I grabbed my breast, still unhappy with the weight. "Look like a twelve year old...." I turned off the water, hurrying out and wrapping myself in a few towels. "I should have just built an elevator...she's not going to get all the stuff down the stairs." I mumbled, planning to fill out some of the shell rooms with exercise equipment. "Maybe just some brooms or stuff."

I walked back to the control room, my body fighting me and trying to swing into the monitoring room. "Brain, why!?" I shouted, realizing I was half naked and still expecting Octavia. I turned to my bedroom, the concrete hall starting to confuse me. "Stop thinking with--" The buzzer went off. "Shit!"

I bolted over to the control room, my lower towel snagging on a chair and ripping off. I stood before the glass, staring down at Octavia. "Hello?" She asked, looking straight at me. "That is you right? I can see a shadow, silhouette, something."

I froze, my pussy on display for no one to see. But I could see her, and she was staring at me without even knowing it. "...Um...I- chair....list in the...." I reached down, covering myself and pressing the button. "Um...sit please." I watched Octavia cock her head. "I'd like to talk...and I just showered so--"

"Wait, face to face?" Octavia asked, pulling the chair out from airlock. "Are you--"

"No!" I shouted, "No...." I rubbed my arms, my wrists flicking against my towel. "I don't have pants on."

Octavia's head snapped towards me. "Um.... Well, it wouldn't interest me much anyways." Octavia hopped up onto the chair, settling in and crossing her back legs. "If you were expecting some sort of sexual exhibitionist display, I'm afraid it's going to go to waste."

I stared at the mare, slowly processing what she said. "You're a lesbian?"

"Yes, is that a problem?" She asked, looking through the list of supplies. "...A vacuum cleaner? Treadmill...I- what's all this about?"

I locked up, my heart beating like wild. "Just trying not to get fat."

Octavia cocked an eyebrow. "From what I've seen humans don't really mind being too fat. At least I can't imagine a hermit would."

I swallowed hard, trying not to focus on Octavia's lower half and failing abysmally. There was a dark area, under her crossed legs. I knew what lay beyond, and that was driving me nuts. "So.... You're like, just a lesbian? No bi--"

"I've told you, and to be honest even if I was bisexual, I don't think whatever is waiting beyond that glass is for me." She started to stand. "Now, was there--"

"Please don't go!" I shouted out of reaction, leaning against the control. "Please...just, talk with me."

Octavia turned around, staring at me through the glass, blindly staring at my chest and making me subconsciously grab my towel. "Why?"

I locked up, fear gripping me like mad. "Please?" I hovered my hand over the button to clear up the window for both sides. "...I uh...." I slowly sat down, wrapping the towels over my face and upper body. I made sure I was as ambiguous as possible and hit the button, lighting up the control room and watching Octavia's eyes shift down to my face. "...Hi...."

Octavia stared at me, eyes burning through my head. "Oh. You're not as big as I thought you'd be." She slowly walked over to the chair. "Honestly you did sound young, but I just figured it was your voice."

I bit my lip, unsure how revealing my gender would go. "Yeah." I looked around the room, making sure my towels were stuck tight to my head. "Thanks for not running."

Octavia rolled her eyes. "I've met with sketchier people in worse locations, this is nothing." She sat back down, staring at me and trying to look below my chest. "Are you really not wearing pants?"

I crossed my legs. "...I had a towel."

Octavia stared at me. "Had?"

"It fell off."

Octavia looked past me. "So I take it you won't be standing up."

I felt my heart stop. "If you want me to." I stopped dead, staring at the mare. "...Please don't leave."

Octavia stared at me. "Honestly, I'd rather not see some half cut stallion dangling free. Wouldn't really sit well."

I gripped the console, my arms shaking hard from a mix of rage and shame. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

Octavia stared at me. "Really, I assumed with yesterday's package you were a fan of cocks."

"...It's just a dildo--"

"Yes, but dildos are usually for the bottom half. At least in my experience." Octavia pushed her mane out of her face, "Interesting store you had me go to, didn't know they existed."

I bit my tongue hard, my heart nearly exploding as I tried not to gush. "Yeah...they used to be big on earth. Well, not big, but they're like.... They make custom stuff and all that."

Octavia stared at me, leaning in closer. "You're young...are you just--"

I slapped the lights, saving myself from her eyes. She popped her head back, "Sorry! I can't!" I pulled the towels off me, stripping off and bolting under the desk. "I'd appreciate the stuff as soon as possible.... And thanks for talking to me."

Octavia stared at the now opaque glass, my end still clear as could be. "Well, alright then. But if you want help cleaning up, let me know."

I watched the mare leave, smelling something rather sweaty from my position under the desk. "What the hell did I--" I looked up at the seat of my chair, finding a modest sticky spot where my crotch had been. "...God damn it."