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The Equestrian's Guide to Humanity
Once Upon a Time in the City of Milwaukee (Part One) by HudsonHawk
"It was in 1003 CR when we discovered that humans were not myths. They were as real as you or I. They appeared to be savage animals with a penchant for destroying each other. However, Princess Celestia believed that an entire species should not be judged by the actions of a few, and thus the Human Research Project was devised..."
-Princess Twilight Sparkle, Equestrian History , sixth edition, published 1143 CR.
It was a cold November evening, 7:30 on a Saturday, if you want to be precise. As the first snow of the year began outside in the ball-freezing cold, the staff of Curious Goods, a small, locally-owned hobby and craft shop, was closing up for the day. There were the owners, Charlie Gleeson and his wife Jill, and young Jimmy Quinn, their sole employee. They had another guy, a seemingly clean-cut chap named O'Malley, but he had been sacked earlier that day. A little after noon, he had been caught stealing Testor's model glue to feed his huffing habit, and Charlie read him the riot act. Jimmy was called in to finish his shift, and like always, agreed. He lived in the apartment above the shop, so it really wasn't much trouble.
Charlie and Jill had been married for the past twenty-six years, twenty-seven next February. Charlie had met Jill in high school back in 1979. He had been a sophomore, she a senior. They had married three years later. Several years later, due to Charlie's love of model-building, he and Jill bought a small store with a small apartment up top on Norris Avenue, and within a year Curious Goods was open for business.
Throughout the years, they had forged relationships with a variety of regulars. This, of course, helped keep them afloat for fifteen years. However, the people they would consider their best friends were their next door neighbors Sam and Joan Quinn. The Gleesons moved to 4590 South Caroll Street in 1988 when they bought the shop, and hit it off with the Quinns when they moved into 4612 about five years later. Sam was a policeman and Joan a former paralegal. They had moved out of their previous neighborhood, a haven for drugs and gangs, to properly raise their two children, eight-year old Audrey and six year-old Jimmy. Audrey was a bright girl and a straight-A student, a self-starter who was bound for great things, while Jimmy was content with pulling in Bs and Cs and seemed to be more creative, mostly in the building of models. Charlie and Jimmy hit it off instantly when each found out about the other's hobby.
Jimmy was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome a few years ago. Prior to that, it was thought he had ADHD. He was placed in the special class in school until the fifth grade. Jimmy remained blissfully ignorant throughout, and only learned of the bigger picture when his parents told him about how his therapist had once told them he only had a future as a bagger in a grocery store. Well, he had graduated high school and, in a year, would soon be a college graduate. If he knew where she was now, he would visit her and rub it in her face.
A year ago, Joan's mother had a stroke, and she and Sam had to move to Fon Du Lac to take care of her. Since Jimmy was studying at MATC and couldn't afford to be uprooted from his studies, especially so close to graduation, they asked the Gleesons to look after him. Since Charlie and Jill saw Audrey and Jimmy as surrogate grandchildren, they agreed, and they had Jimmy move into the apartment above the shop which the Gleesons had been using for storage. Jimmy graduated in the summer, and his parents and grandmother, along with his sister, came down to see it, along with the Gleesons. They gave him a job at the store after he graduated to help him pay off his student loans.
It was also a year ago that Jimmy met Carrie Hayes, in a bar. As fate had it, she was a classmate of his in his Graphic Design course. They had hit it off, and had started dating. She didn't know about Jimmy's disability, a decision which he wrestled with for the past year. Every time it came up in his mind, a battle was fought between his common sense and his insecurities. His common sense told him to tell her, as she may be understanding of it. Tolerance of mental health seemed to have come a long way. However, his insecurities were about the size of Godzilla, and told him that if he told her, she'd dump him as she wouldn't want someone “slow.” As she was his first girlfriend, and his self image was so low thanks to bullying throughout much of his school life that if it were a number it would be in the negatives, his insecurities curb-stomped his common sense, then ran their underwear up the flagpole while they were still wearing them.
Jimmy and Carrie were rather different: due to his Asperger's, Jimmy was a giant movie, TV, and pop culture nut. He had action figures displayed all over the apartment, along with his collection of models and movie posters. She was into the Twilight saga (which Jimmy felt was an insult to the word “saga”), clothes, and collecting Hummel figurines.
“Isn't it just adorable?” She had said, finding a “Merry Wanderer” Hummel at a yard sale.
“Oh, yes.” Jimmy had started. He finished the sentence mentally: “...if you think Chucky is just darling.”
They creeped Jimmy out, doubly so since she gave them their own shelf. Every time Jimmy passed them, it felt like they were watching him. He half expected their hands to open and reveal guns, like Autons, then go on the attack. He also suffered through all five Twilight movies, but then that's story of, that's the glory of love, right? She had told him she was thinking of moving in soon so he let her leave some of her stuff there, like her movies and her creepy Hummels.
Tonight was their one year anniversary, so they would get some wine, have a little dinner, watch “Love Story,” and then retire to his room for a little “fun time.”
Jimmy had just finished sweeping the floor. Mr. Gleeson had his coat on, and Mrs. Gleeson was just slipping into hers.
“Got any plans tonight, Jim?” Mr. Gleeson asked.
“Yes.” Jimmy replied. “Carrie and I have a little anniversary celebration planned. Movie, wine, dinner, and I think you see where it's going.”
“What movie?” Mr. Gleeson asked.
“Love Story.”
“Aw, geez...”
“I know, but if I can survive all five Twilight movies in a row, Love Story shouldn't be a problem.”
“Good luck. Remember to lock the store up, buckaroo, before you get down to business.”
“I will, Mr. G.”
“Well, good night, Jim. See you tomorrow.”
“Good night, Mr. G.”
The Gleesons left for the evening, and Jimmy set about locking up the store for the evening. It was 8:00 by the time he left. Jimmy was 5' 8” and about 280 pounds. His Hawaiian shirt, jeans, and white tennis shoes were covered by a dark green trenchcoat and his Fourth Doctor scarf, a present Mom crocheted him for Christmas two years ago. He headed for the green '64 Chevy Malibu parked in front. It was his grandfather's car, and he had inherited it when he passed on five years ago. Jimmy got in and started it up, letting it warm up a bit while enjoying the sweet sounds of his favorite Huey Lewis song emanating from the radio. He really did believe in love
Jimmy switched on the light as he entered the apartment. The pole lamp by the door lit up the room, showing off the 'shrine to nerdiness” as Carrie affectionately called it. Against the left wall, there was a 29-inch Samsung LED TV, hooked up to a LG Blu-Ray player, set in the middle of a entertainment center. Several game systems sat in a large shelf above it: an NES, SNES, XBOX, PS2, Gamecube, N64 and Dreamcast. The game for each were stacked in the set of shelves on the left. The other shelves contained part of his vast collection of DVDs and Blu-Rays.
In front of the games and movies were action figures: Doctor Who, Star Trek, a couple of the Cryptkeeper, several from Last Action Hero, and nearly all of the Battlefield Earth movie figures; the last were Jimmy's favorites. There was a set of plastic drawers, the kind you'd get at a craft store, next to it, containing the remainder of his collection. Across the way from the door, there was a large bookshelf, full of books on Doctor Who, movie novelizations, and anything else that caught his fancy. There was a large window next to it, looking down onto Howell Avenue. Next to that, there was a set of shelves containing Carrie's Hummel collection.
The middle of the room had a cheap yet comfortable couch and a recliner, in the optimal position for movie watching, and before them a small coffee table. Behind that was a wall with a doorway leading to the bathroom, and a small shelf containing Carrie's books and movies; Love Story, the Twilight saga, the Nicholas Sparks oeuvre... all there. Next, a stereo and turntable sat on a small stand, net to a wooden crate containing Jimmy's record collection. Next to that was a doorway leading to a small kitchen. The last wall had a doorway leading to the bedroom and a love seat. Movie posters and Blockbuster backer cards covered the walls. On the back of the front door was the advance poster for Jimmy's favorite bad movie of all time: Battlefield Earth. The movie never failed to cheer Jimmy up in times of despondency.
As soon as his glasses de-fogged, Jimmy headed into the kitchen and set the wine down on the counter. He checked the time: it was nearly 9:30, and Carrie would be here soon. He called up DiMarino's, their favorite Italian restaurant, and ordered a large meat-lover's pizza. He then grabbed Love Story from Carrie's movie shelf and popped it into the player.
This would be a night he would never forget. He knew she was the one for him. He would tell her about his Asperger's.
“Hi, hon!” Jimmy said as Carrie walked in the door. Carrie was a cute brunette of 27, clad in a smart little dark green blouse with black dress pants. She had just gotten off of work, and looked it. With all the bags under them, her hazel eyes looked like they were planning a trip to Aruba.
“Hello, Jim-Jim.” She said, kissing him. She mispronounced Chim-Chim's name when she saw Jimmy watching an episode of Speed Racer, and it just stuck. There were worse names out there: for example, Jimbo...
“How was your day?” He asked.
“Busy.” She replied. “Whoever said Black Friday sales should start early should be shot.”
“The perils of working in retail.”
“Well, do you remember what today is?You're so scatterbrained...”
“Yes, I do. It was one year ago today that we started dating. Happy anniversary, dear.”
They hugged, and she started down Memory Lane.
“I remember when I first met you: you were at Amelia's, on karaoke night, and you sang 'Asshole' by Denis Leary. I hadn't laughed that hard in a long time.”
“Yep. Sang it once every time afterward.”
“Yeah. You didn't really get the hint that I was interested afterward. I pretty much had to spell it out, but then again, that seems to be a man thing.”
“Yeah...” Jimmy said, successfully disguising the slight hurt he felt. “I've never really been a social butterfly.”
“I know, and I've been trying to help you out. You still keep to yourself and me, I don't get it. Well, if at first you don't succeed.”
“Got a pizza coming from DiMarino's, there's wine in the kitchen, and I've got Love Story cued up in the Blu-Ray player.”
“Wonderful.”
“Umm... before we get down to business, can I ask you something?”
“Sure, you can ask me anything.”
Jimmy couldn't think of a better way to put it. “What if you knew I was different from other guys?”
“I already know that.” She replied. “Just look at your place. You don't call it The Nerd's Den for nothing.”
“I mean... really different...”
She paused. “My last boyfriend said this before he came out of the closet.”
“Oh, no, it's not that.”
“Then what is it?”
Jimmy finally got up the courage and spoke. “I... have Aspreger's syndrome.”
She stared. “What's that?”
“It's a mental disorder. It's basically high-functioning Autism.”
“You can't be retarded. You're smart.”
Jimmy chose to ignore that. “No, it's not that kind of mental disorder. I just process information differently.”
“Then you are retarded?”
“No, I'm not.”
“You mean you can take a pill and it'll go away?”
“No! It's a permanent thing, it can't be cured.”
“Oh, my god. All this time... I never knew. I was wondering why you never became more social... why you keep collecting movies and all that other crap... why you always do that thing with your hands...”
“Hand flapping?”
“That's it.”
“Well...”
She paused. “I'm glad you told me.”
“You are?” Jimmy asked, hopeful.
“Yeah. I'm glad you told me before we got married... before we had kids. I'd have to raise one big and several little Rain Men. That would take years off of my life!”
Jimmy felt as if she had just ripped out his heart. “What?”
“I'd have to raise a litter of retards. I just can't do that.”
Jimmy was stunned. You think you know a person...
“But... I love you. Don't you remember the tag for Love Story? 'Love means never having to say you're sorry?'” Jimmy said, his broken heart sinking.
“Well, I'm sorry. I can't deal with a retard.”
Carrie grabbed her stuff. “Goodbye, Jimmy. Maybe you'll find someone, but it's not going to be me.”
As the door slammed, a tear started to well in Jimmy's eye. He collapsed onto the sofa in despair.
It was a few moments before there was a knock at the door.
“Carrie?”
“DiMarino's.” The pizza guy said. “You ordered the meat-lover's special?”
Jimmy accepted the pizza and paid the guy. He wasn't the kind to waste good food. As he set the pizza down on the coffee table, he walked up to his talking Terl action figure, perched on the entertainment center.
"What do you think, Terl?" Jimmy asked. "Did I screw up royal by telling her that?"
He pressed the button on Terl's chest. The barrel of his Psychlo blast-gun lit up.
"That's the first intelligent thing you've said yet!" Terl boomed in John Travolta's hamtastic manner.
"That's what I thought, buddy." Jimmy said, sadly. If Matt didn't have a date with Beth tonight, he'd call him up and ask him to come over. He'd always cheer him up. For now, Jimmy was alone with his pain. Then he remembered the wine...
Jimmy had for the longest time failed to see the appeal of drinking yourself silly, especially for fun. However, the events of the past couple of hours convinced him that now was a great time to start. This line of thought led to a half-drunk Jimmy sadly eating pizza as he chugged wine straight from the bottle, Battlefield Earth playing on the TV. For once, the movie had failed to cheer him up. The terrible plot and John Travolta's overacting couldn't take his mind off of what had happened. She seemed so nice... so sweet... so caring... and then...
Jimmy took another bite and took another swig of wine, finally hitting empty.
“Damn.” He said to himself. “I'm still thinking of her. Not drunk enough yet.” He picked up the bottle and the leftover pizza, taking both to the kitchen. He set the bottle on the counter and began to set the pizza in the fridge, when he spied a bottle of Captain Morgan rum in the back.
“If getting a little Captain in me will help dull the pain, let's try it.” He said to himself. He grabbed the bottle from the back and set the pizza inside. He closed the door and uncorked the bottle.
“Time to set sail...” He put the bottle to his lips and chugged.
The alarm on Jimmy's cell phone went off, the shrill beeping exacerbating his headache. He checked the time: 7:00 AM. He had forgotten to reset it, as his shift today began at 12:30.
Jimmy had found himself in his bed with his first hangover. His mouth tasted like vomit, and he was in total agony. It felt like a Slipknot concert was being held in his head, and the amps were all the way up to eleven. Despite the agony, he was able to turn around with some difficulty and saw the strange woman in his bed.
“Hello, darling.” She said, in a cordial Trans-Atlantic accent.
“Oh, hello.” Jimmy said, as pleasant as one can be while your head feels like someone's parked a bus in it. “Wow, you have pretty eyes.”
“Thank you.” She replied.
He got up and staggered to the kitchen on what felt like legs of Jell-O, making a mental note that rum and wine are very much like Michael Bay and period drama: they're a horrible, nauseating, painful mix.
“Coffee... must have coffee... must be black...” He chanted, almost zombie-like as he headed for the kitchen. He found the coffee grounds and started to brew a fresh pot. He knocked the empty wine bottle aside and took a swig from the half-empty Captain Morgan bottle on the counter.
“Hair of the dog.” Jimmy said to himself. The pain in his head started to go down, and the smell of the coffee brewing started to jump-start his senses. It was then when his wine and rum-dulled synapses began to tell him that something was amiss...
“Hold on. Wake up with hangover. Greet strange woman in my bed. Compliment her eyes. Stagger to kit-” A dim bulb brightened, and he stopped in shock and staggered back to the bedroom.
Yep, there was a strange woman in his bed. She looked to be in her mid-twenties, and was a knockout. She looked to be of Asian descent, and her purple hair and sapphire eyes could make someone's pulse race from across the room. She had three cyan gems tattooed on each of her hips, which Jimmy only noticed because she was nude.
“Hello again.” She said.
Jimmy slowly shut the door. He then turned away and shut his eyes.
“One... two... three... four... five...”
He opened the door and looked back. She was still there. He wasn't hallucinating.
“Want to know who the hay I am?” She asked.
Jimmy nodded, slack-jawed.
“I'm Rarity...” She scanned the room, looking for a last name. Her eyes soon set on a poster for "Q. " The gears turned as she came across a name that seemed nice and inconspicuous...
"Rarity Quetzalcoatl."
Normally, Jimmy would wonder why she had the name of an Aztec god as her last name, but thanks to the pounding headache and the shock of what was going on, it slipped through the cracks.
“Hello, Rarity.” He said, trying to sound calm. “I'm Jimmy.”
He had set sail with the Captain and come back with a passenger.
In minutes Jimmy was seated on the couch, his mind racing. “What did I do last night?” He thought out loud.
Rarity exited the bedroom. “If you must know, darling, it seemed to involve mostly snoring like a breeder hog.” She replied.
Jimmy turned around. She was still nude. As she turned away, exploring her surroundings, Jimmy immediately grabbed a pillow from the couch and placed it over a... certain area.
“If you don't mind my asking, how did you get here?” Jimmy asked.
"What do you mean?" Rarity replied.
"What were you doing in my bed?"
"Sleeping."
"I mean, how did you get there?"
"Uhhh..." Rarity panicked. "...you brought me home?"
"From where?"
First experience with a human. I've got to make a good first impression. Rarity thought. Oh! A nice story of charity should do it!
"You found me walking the street and brought me here."
In a drunken stupor, I went out and hired a hooker? Jimmy thought.
"Do I... owe you anything?" Jimmy asked.
"Oh, no. I owe you for bringing me someplace safe and warm."
She's offering a freebie?
Rarity walked up behind him and pecked him on the cheek. "Thank you, darling."
Jimmy was flattered. "I didn't do anything to you, did I?"
"Oh, no. We just slept together."
"WHOA!" Jimmy stood up with a shock. He didn't think he'd be on the rebound so quickly. He turned around and got an eyeful. He quickly looked away.
"Is there something wrong?" Rarity asked.
"No... nooo...." Jimmy replied. Down, boy. He thought.
"Then why aren't you looking at me? Oh, no. The spell made me ugly..."
"Spell?" Jimmy's interest was piqued. "What about a spell?"
Oh, no! I forgot: they don't practice magic here. Rarity thought.
"I didn't say anything about a spell." Rarity lied.
"I heard you say 'Oh, no. The spell made me ugly.'"
"Oh... that... I was speaking about that fitful... spell... of sleep we had?"
Jimmy faced her. "You're lying." He quickly turned away and grabbed the pillow.
Rarity felt trapped. "Okay. I'm lying."
"So, what are you doing here? Jimmy asked.
“Well, I came here as part of a project.”
“A project?”
“Yes. You see, I may look like you, but I'm really a pony.”
Jimmy struggled to keep from laughing. “A pony?” This lady's got it worse than I do.
“Well, a unicorn, actually.”
This is rich.
“A unicorn?” I said.
“I know it's hard to believe...”
“Understatement of the decade, my friend.” Jimmy said as he looked back, and found himself staring. He mentally dope slapped himself. Focus! This girl's flown over the cuckoo's nest. The last thing you should do is keep staring at her rather large and perfect... FOCUS, GODDAMMIT! FOCUS OR I'LL MAKE SURE THE MOST ANNOYING SONG IN THE WORLD IS STUCK IN HERE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY! That's right, I'm willing to torture myself if it means keeping you from thinking with you dick!
That snapped him out of it.
“Why are you staring at me?” Rarity asked.
Jimmy wiped the drool from his chin. “Sorry.”
“Well...?”
“You're just very... attractive, and very... nude.”
“Really?” She asked. “Do you have a mirror?”
Another mental dope slap. “It's in the bathroom over there.” He pointed at the bathroom door. As she headed to the door, Jimmy started hand flapping as he got a good look at her-
It's a small world after all...
That snapped him back.
Enjoy the show? I warned you. Don't make me do it again.
He held the pillow a bit more tightly.
“Oh Celestia!” Jimmy heard from the bathroom. “The spell worked!”
Rarity rushed out of the bathroom, and Jimmy had to look away before his brain assaulted him with another burst of the Sherman brothers' hellish creation.
“How do I look?” Rarity asked.
He couldn't resist.
“Incredible.” Jimmy said.
"I know! Just look at the eyelashes! I don't have to wear fake ones in this form!" Rarity said as she spun around in pure joy. Jimmy looked, hands flapping once again while admiring her-
...it's a small world after all...
Fine... stupid brain...
WHAT WAS THAT?
Nothing.
Gonna do it again?
No.
Good. Now, do the gentlemanly thing.
“Can I get you some breast-er, clothes?” Jimmy asked, trying not to look.
Smooth.
“Do I need them?” Rarity responded, ignoring or ignorant of the Freudian slip. "I rarely wear them where I come from."
You're teasing me, aren't you God?
“Yes, you do. You gotta wear clothes. If you don't, you'll get arrested.”
Mr. T has taught you well.
“Really? Then... sure.”
“OK, I'll see what I've got.”
Jimmy reluctantly put the pillow aside and stiffly headed for his bedroom closet.
Jimmy looked away as he handed Rarity an AC/DC T-shirt and a pair of blue plaid pajama pants.
“Is there something wrong?” Rarity asked, noticing Jimmy's discomfort.
“Uh, no.” Jimmy responded, trying to think unsexy thoughts.
Ehhh... Margaret Thatcher... Mama Cass... Rosie O'Donnell... Victoria Jackson...
GAHH- wait, past or present Victoria Jackson?
Present.
GAHH!!!
...all naked on a cold day...
GAAAHH!!! PLEASE KILL ME!!!
“Thank you.” Rarity responded.
“No problem. You can change in the bathroom.”
“Once again, thank you, darling.” Rarity pecked him on the cheek and entered the bathroom, closing the door behind her. Jimmy was relieved.
“Cold shower tonight. Definitely need a cold shower tonight.”
The coffee was ready by the time Rarity left the bathroom.
"How do I look?" The personification of unkempt beauty asked.
When Jimmy saw her, he was convinced she could wear a Hefty bag and make it look good.
"Marvelous." Jimmy replied.
“What's that delightful smell?” Rarity asked.
“Coffee.” Jimmy replied. “Want some?”
“Sure.”
Jimmy got two mugs down from the cupboard. Rarity took a seat at the counter as Jimmy poured two cups of black coffee.
“So, you said you were a unicorn?” Jimmy asked, taking a sip and popping a couple Tylenol.
“Yes. I come from a land called Equestria...”
“Equestria?”
“Yes. You see, I was testing a spell for my friend Twilight Sparkle-
“Twiight Sparkle?” Jimmy asked, trying to stifle a laugh.
“Yes. What's wrong with that name?”
“Uh, nothing. Go on.”
“As I was saying, I was testing a spell for her and, obviously, it worked.”
“Come again?”
“I'm not a unicorn anymore! I'm a human.”
“Yes...”
“And this is Earth, right?”
“Yes...”
“Oh, Celestia, the spells work! Twilight will be so happy when she finds out.” Rarity sipped her coffee.
“So, is everyone in Equestria a pony?” Jimmy asked, his headache nearly gone.
“No. We have unicorns like me, pegasi, minotaurs, dragons, zebras, manticores... a lot more than just ponies.”
“Uh... huh...”
Roll out the wacky wagons...
“You don't believe me, do you?” Rarity asked.
How can I put this lightly?
“It's rather hard to believe.” Jimmy said.
“Why?”
“Nobody really knows magic here. We don't have talking ponies, we don't have any of the creatures you've mentioned... frankly, you sound kind of nuts.”
“What if I can prove it?”
“Then I'll admit I'm wrong, and I'll hang on to your every word.”
“Fine.” Rarity concentrated. She looked like a young Drew Barrymore trying to set someone on fire with her mind. “Why don't you look in the next room? Am I crazy now, darling?”
Jimmy looked. His jaw dropped open wide enough to fit the Space Shuttle in. His TV, surrounded by a blue glow, was floating away from the entertainment center. Jimmy ran over, running his hand over and under it. There were no wires. He turned to Rarity. “How are you doing this?”
“All unicorns are capable of magic. The least we can do is basic levitation. Many like Twilight, study magic and can do much, much more.” She replied, a smug grin on her face.
“It's gotta be a trick.” Jimmy said.
“Really?” Rarity asked. “Feeling lightheaded yet, darling?”
Jimmy felt himself rise. “AAAHHH!!!”
He was surrounded in that blue aura, high above his living room, back against the ceiling. Now he knew how Tina felt in A Nightmare on Elm Street.
“Believe me now?” Rarity asked.
“YES! YES! JUST PUT ME DOWN!”
“OK...”
Jimmy fell. “OW! You could have set me on something soft.”
“Like your head?”
“Oh, ha ha.”
Jimmy got up and brushed himself off. “Now, what was this about a project...?”
The pair were seated on the couch, Jimmy still in pain from the drop.
“You said that here, all the creatures I listed are myths and legends? In Equestria, it's the other way around: humans are myths.” Rarity started. “They're said to be bloodthirsty savages, beings who live only to murder and pillage. We weren't going to bother after looking at your history and saw great monsters like Hit-larr and Ameen...”
“If we're so savage, why are you here?” I asked.
“Well, we're ruled by two alicorns...”
“Alicorns?”
“Ponies that have both the wings of a pegasi and the horn of a unicorn. They're immensely powerful. One raises the sun, the other raises the moon...”
“I get it. Please go on.”
“Well, Princess Celestia, one of our rulers, believed that we shouldn't write off an entire species based on the actions of a few. She decided to send someone to Earth. They would live among them and gather data on the species, with a special emphasis on whether they were capable of kindness and compassion. They found spells to both transform a pony into a human and one for interplanetary travel. They weren't tested, so I volunteered to try it. Well, they worked.”
“So, when are they coming to take you back?”
“I don't know.”
“Well... this is awkward.”
“I agree, darling.”
There was uncomfortable silence for the next few minutes, punctuated by the occasional sip of coffee.
“Have you got a family?” Rarity asked.
Jimmy was thankful for the distraction. “Yes.”
“Really? Who?”
“A mom, dad, sister, a grandmother, and the people who run the shop below. Well, they're not blood related...”
“Where are they?”
“Well, the owners live next door to my house.”
“Why aren't you over there?”
“My parents had to leave. They're in Fon Du Lac. It's a city north of here. My grandmother had a stroke and they had to move up there to take care of her. That was a year ago.”
Rarity put a hand on my shoulder. “I'm sorry.”
“Thanks. Anyway, I was in college, and close to graduating, so the Gleesons... they run the shop... took me in so I could finish. They gave me a job here and they let me live in the apartment up here. They're really nice people, you're gonna have to meet them...”
Jimmy paused. “What about you?”
“Yes. My mom and dad, and my little sister Sweetie Belle.” Rarity replied.
“All unicorns, too?”
“Of course. My mom and dad are from midwest Equestria. Dad was a hoofball player, Mom was a baker. They settled down in Ponyville just before I was born because he got traded to the Ponyville Mustangs, and my mom wound up staying at home to raise me and later Sweetie. I'm still wondering where I got my fashion sense from, because judging from the amount of tacky shirts and dresses in their closet, it couldn't have been them.”
“Hoofball player?” Jimmy soon realized she was talking about pony football, and tried to picture ponies dashing down the 40 yard line with the ball in their teeth and attempting to do the Ickey shuffle. He managed to suppress a laugh. “Retired?”
“Yes. He coaches now. Mom's gotten back into baking. Judging by how she's been teaching Sweetie, she's a tad rusty.”
“Rusty how?”
“Sweetie managed to not only burn toast but liquify it as well...”
Jimmy would later mop up the coffee he had been drinking. It was on the other side of the room, which is a really good distance when liquid travels through one's nose during a laughing fit.
“I'm sorry...” Jimmy blurted out as he calmed down.
“That's okay, darling. I understand.” Rarity replied.
“Do you have a job?” Jimmy asked.
“Yes.” Rarity replied. “I actually own my own business in Ponyville. It's called the Carousel Boutique. I design and sew clothes. You name it, I can design and sew it. I'm the best in town. What do you do?”
“Well...” Jimmy started. “...like I said, I work here. I run the register, I stock shelves, I take deliveries. It's a nice job, it pays well for an hourly gig, and my bosses are like family to my... family.”
Jimmy paused.
“So... friends?”
“I have five of them...”
“Nice story.” Jimmy said.
“Yes. They're more than my friends, they're my true companions. I can't imagine my life without them.” Rarity finished. “So, what about you?”
“I have one friend. My best friend, Matt Borchers.” Jimmy started. “We've known each other since I was eleven. He's my pal, my amigo, my bosom companion, a guy I would gladly take a bullet for. He's like the brother I never had.”
“How'd you meet?” Rarity asked.
“I met him at a Blockbuster. It's a video store. We turned out to have a mutual interest in sci-fi and horror movies, and we hit it off from there.”
“Do you have a girlfriend?” Rarity asked.
Jimmy grew silent and serious. “I really don't want to talk about it.”
“Why not?”
“I just don't want to.”
“Is there some sort of-”
“IT”S NONE OF YOUR GODDAMNED BUSINESS!”
Rarity looked shocked and a bit hurt. Jimmy put a hand over his mouth, realizing what happened.
“I'm sorry.” Jimmy said.
“No, you didn't want to talk about it.” Rarity said. “I shouldn't have pressed you. I should respect your privacy...”
“No, it's not OK. I snapped at you for no reason. Do you really want to know?”
“Sure, darling. If you really want to tell me.”
“OK... I did have a girlfriend. Carrie Hayes. I met her last year in a bar. She liked me because I made her laugh.”
“I can't think of a mare who doesn't like that.”
“Mare- oh, right. Anyway, she seemed very sweet, and kind, and we hit it off. Then, last night happened.”
“What happened?”
“I told her about my problem.”
“What is it?”
“I have a mental disorder called Asperger's syndrome. It impairs my social skills. I can't read body language and hints aren't an option; you want to tell me something, you have to be upfront. I get fascinated by one single subject; sometimes that's all I can talk about. Hell, how I've managed to carry on a conversation with you is beyond miraculous. I'm repetitive in behaviors and activities. Other than that, I'm rather normal. I have a higher IQ than most, a better vocabulary...”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. I told her about it. Many people are under the impression that because it's a mental disorder, it means you're... stupid, to use the least offensive term.”
“So...”
“I told her, and she dumped me. She said she was glad I told her before we got married... before we had a litter of retards. You think you know someone, and then she turns out to be a bitch in sheep's clothing.”
Rarity's face was the picture of utter compassion.
Jimmy's voice started to crack. Tears began to form in his eyes. “When I was diagnosed, I was both relieved and saddened. I was relieved that I could explain it, but I was saddened because I wasn't normal. I freeze up in a lot of social situations. I can't look people in the eye... I like to be by myself most of the time... people see my interests and tell me to grow up, to act my age... I can't help the way I am...”
The dam burst under the pressure of last night's events. “I hated myself for the longest time. I hated being unable to read people, to see if I was boring them or if they were even interested in me. I hated being afraid to approach people. I hated being afraid to speak to people. Then I met Carrie. I thought I could tell her anything... anything except that. I was afraid she'd leave me because she wouldn't understand what it's like to go through life just being me... and I was right. Why am I like this?”
A lifetime of self-hatred came out in five minutes. Jimmy buried his head in his hands, crying. He then felt a soft touch on his shoulder, and arm pulled him into a tight hug.
“Just cry it out, darling.” Rarity said.
Jimmy hugged her back, crying into her shoulder as she rocked him, trying to console him.
“Can I tell you something?” She asked.
Jimmy, through a cracked voice, said “Sure.”
“My experience with love wasn't that good either.”
“Get out. Someone like you?”
“Yes. I was at the social event of the season, the Grand Galloping Gala. I met Celestia's nephew, Prince Blueblood. He looked like everything I'd always dreamed of. He was handsome, refined... and then I got to know him.”
“Go on.”
“He was a royal pain in the flank. He had to be the most selfish, stuck-up stallion I had ever met. He looked down on Applejack because...” She then did a serviceable impression of an upper-class twit. “My royal lips have touched common carnival fare!”
Jimmy laughed, wiping the tears from his eyes. She continued. “He had me lay down my cape for him to cross a puddle! He had me pay for the apple fritters he looked down on, and he used me as a shield against a flying cake!”
Jimmy gave her a stare that oozed “The hell?”
“It's a long story.” Rarity said.
“So, what happened?” Jimmy asked.
“I called him out for it, he complained that he had just been groomed...” She stood up. “I asked him if he was afraid to get dirty.” She then shook herself as if she were shaking the cake off and onto the twit.”It was the most satisfying moment of that night.”
Jimmy was giggling like a schoolgirl brought before Johnny Depp. “So, aside from cheering me up, what was the point?”
Rarity sat back down, her arm around Jimmy. “Sometimes who we think is right for us turns out to be, well, completely wrong for us. I didn't let that get me down. I know that there's somepony- someone out there for me still. If I'm correct, was she your first love?”
“Not my first crush, exactly, but my first real girlfriend.”
“Then, darling, you keep trying. As a matter of fact, her narrow mind may have cost her a great guy.”
“And how can you tell I'm a great guy? You've known me for barely a day.”
“If you weren't a great guy, you would have done some ghastly things to me when I was... vulnerable... earlier. If you weren't a great guy, you wouldn't have loaned me these cheesy yet serviceable clothes, you wouldn't have offered me coffee, and we wouldn't have had this conversation.”
She grabbed Jimmy's face, a hand on either side. “Can you look me in my eyes?”
“I'll try.” Jimmy said.
“If all she sees is a mental disorder, then she's not worth it. I know it hurts, but the pain does go away. There's someone out there for you. I know so.”
Jimmy felt better, like a weight had been lifted from his heart. “I know I said this earlier when I was hungover, but I mean it. You really have very pretty eyes.”
Jimmy hugged her. “Let the healing process begin.” Rarity said.
Jimmy pulled away. “I can't thank you enough.”
“It's generosity. It's what I do.”
“I know it's a stupid question, but do you have anywhere to go?”
“I don't. Not here at least.”
“You do now. My house is your house. You can stay for as long as you like.”
“I... don't know what to say...”
“A simple “thank you” will do.”
“Thank you.”
She paused.
“I don't think we've been formally introduced.”
Jimmy put out his hand. “I'm James Quinn. My friends call me Jimmy.”
Rarity grabbed his hand and shook it. “I'm Rarity. My friends call me... Rarity...”
“Nice to meet you.”
“Likewise.”
“By the way...” she pointed to the front of her shirt. “What's AC/DC?”
View Online
The Equestrian's Guide to Humanity
Once Upon a Time in the City of Milwaukee (Part Two) by HudsonHawk
Jimmy decided that the first order of business was to get Rarity some proper clothes. He loaned her a pair of jeans and a pair of Carrie's shoes that got left behind, as well as his spare coat. They climbed into the Malibu and drove to a Goodwill. It went better than expected, although there was a lot of the following:
“No... no... no... ABSOLUTELY not...”
“Excuse me sir, but do you have this in a maroon?”
“That is a crime against fashion!”
“It looks like an explosion in a rainbow factory.”
“This makes a statement, alright. That statement is 'I have no taste.'”
The last one was to a Hawaiian shirt. Jimmy cleared his throat, reminding her that he was wearing one. “Oh... but you manage to make it work, darling...”
The next stop was at Jimmy's favorite place, Phil's Diner, located a block or so from Curious Goods. He liked to stop in there once a week for lunch. The diner was run by Phil Tatopoulous, a jolly, rotund Greek man who emigrated to the United States about twenty years ago, and had been running Phil's for about fifteen. He always made it a point to personally greet his customers, and knew almost everyone in the neighborhood.
“Mr. Jimmy Quinn!” Phil said with an infectious grin. “How are you doing today, sir?”
“I'm fine, Phil.” Jimmy said. Despite his social awkwardness, he made an effort to interact with Phil. He was offended when people wouldn't talk to him, and he was a kind man.
“So, what happened to the lovely Miss Hayes?”
“She dumped me.”
“Awww... I'm sorry, agoraki mou.” Phil said, as he put a burly arm around me.
“It's fine, Phil. She wasn't what she appeared to be.”
“I understand. Life must go on.” Phil soon noticed Rarity. “I see that some move on faster than others...”
“Where are my manners? Phil Tatopoulous, this is Rarity. She's a friend of my sister's.”
“Welcome to my diner, koreetsi mou!” Phil said as he kissed her hand. “Your name is fitting. A woman as beautiful as you is truly a rarity.”
“Thank you, sir.” Rarity said.
“Please, call me Phil, everyone else does!”
“Okay, thank you, Phil.”
“It's no problem. I'll be right back to take your orders.”
The diner was once a malt shop where teens in the 50's came to congregate. Phil had kept that art deco aesthetic when he opened the diner. The booths that took up the wall underneath the giant window in front of the diner closely resembled their 50's counterparts: two plush, almost sofa-like seats with a table in between. There was an old-fashioned jukebox in the corner, playing Journey's “Who's Crying Now?” There was a lunch counter across from the booths, stools underneath, in front of the kitchen area. The walls were covered with 50's memorabilia and mementos from Greece. The diner gave off a homey atmosphere, something that the neighborhood loved.
“Nice place.” Rarity said.
“It is.” Jimmy replied. He handed her one of the menus on the table. “Have a look.”
Rarity started to flip through, and her expression became one of worry. “You eat meat?”
“Yes.” Jimmy replied. “Humans are omnivores, we eat both plants and meat.”
“That's barbaric.” She paused. “You don't eat ponies, do you?”
“No.” Jimmy replied.
Rarity breathed a sigh of relief, as Jimmy made a mental note to not tell her what glue used to be made from.
“So what do I do?” Rarity asked.
“There are people who are vegetarian.” Jimmy replied. “It's not odd to just have a salad.”
As Jimmy looked through his menu, Phil's voice boomed once again.
“Mr. Borchers! How are you!”
“Fine, thank you Phil.”
“Hey, Matt!” Jimmy greeted.
“Hey, Jim!” Matt replied. “Excuse me, Phil.”
“No problem at all.”
Matt slid in next to Jimmy. Matt was a scrawny guy with brown hair and glasses, about as thin as the Tenth Doctor. He was clad in a brown jacket, red shirt, blue jeans, and Doc Martens boots. He looked at Rarity, then back at Jimmy.
“Who's she?” Matt asked.
“This is Rarity.” Jimmy said. "She's a friend of Audrey's from out of town. Rarity, this is Matt Borchers, my best friend.
“How do you do?” Rarity said as she shook his hand.
“How do you do?” Matt replied.
“Matt, I don't think Beth's gonna like you flirting with her.” Jimmy said.
“Being a little hypocritical, aren't we?” Matt replied. “Does Carrie know about her?”
“Carrie dumped me, Matt.”
“Why?” Matt asked, concern in his voice.
“I told her about my Asperger's.”
“I take it that she didn't react well.”
“If what he says is anything to go on,” Rarity started, “She wasn't very civil at all.”
“She said she was glad she found out before we were married and had a litter of retards.” Jimmy said.
Matt winced... then his expression became one of deep anger. “That bitch!”
“Save your anger, Matt, she isn't worth it.”
“If she weren't a woman...”
“Well, she is. Just let it go. Rarity helped me out.” Jimmy said. Matt snickered. “Dude! Get your mind out of the gutter!”
“Sorry.” Matt said. “So, back on the market not one day and you already have someone?”
“No, Matt.” Jimmy said. “We're just here as friends.”
“Oh.” Matt said, not believing a word of it. “Riiight.”
Phil came by for our orders. Rarity got a salad and a soda, Jimmy the chicken sandwich and soda, and Matt the meat-lover's skillet.
“How's work?”Jimmy asked.
“You remember that dick Jason Burdick?” Matt asked back.
“Oh, yeah. The football player that no one on the team could stand.” Jimmy replied. “Dad was the principal, so he got away with murder.”
“Yeah... take a wild guess who just became my team lead.”
“Oh no...”
“That's right.”
“What did he do to you guys?” Rarity asked.
“Where to start?” Jimmy asked. “Should we begin with wedgies, towel-snapping, stink bombs in our lockers, beatings, verbal abuse, or the time he hooked the pants of that kid from the AV Club to the flag cord and ran him up the flagpole?”
“And this man is in a position of power?” Rarity asked, slack-jawed.
“Ain't life grand?” Matt said, dripping with sarcasm.
“Well, pal...” Jimmy started. “... I've got you, you've got me, and we're as high as a weekend beach... wait, that's Huey Lewis... anyway, you get the point..."
"As long as I'm here, darling..." Rarity started. "You've got me, too."
"You have a nice circle of support, bud.” Jimmy finished.
“I know.” Matt said. “But you don't have to put up with him daily.”
“Then stop by after work and unload.” Jimmy said. “We'll be willing to listen. You're my bro. Bros look out for each other.”
“Thanks, guys.” Matt said.
“No problem at all, darling.” Rarity said.
Jimmy and Rarity made it back to Curious Goods about 15 minutes before Jimmy's shift began.
“Hi, Mr. and Mrs. G!” Jimmy said as he and Rarity burst through the shop doors.
“Hi, buckaroo!” Mr. Gleeson said.
“Hi, bozelito.” Mrs. Gleeson said.
“Who's the lovely lady?” Mr. Gleeson asked.
“Oh, this is Rarity. She's an old friend of the family.” Jimmy said. “Since mom and dad are out of town, is it okay if she stays with me for a little bit? She really has nowhere else to go.
“Wouldn't Carrie find it a bit odd?” Mrs. Gleeson asked.
“Carrie dumped me last night.” Jimmy said.
“I'm sorry, buckaroo.” Mr. Gleeson said. “Anything we can do?”
“No.” Jimmy replied. “She wasn't the one for me, anyway.”
“Well...” Mrs. Gleeson thought. “Okay. She can stay. Just no funny business up there, all right?”
“Agreed.” Rarity said.
“Actually...” Jimmy started. “There's another matter I'd like to bring up. Rarity needs a job right now. Is there any way you guys could hire her on?”
“I don't know, buckaroo.” Mr. Gleeson said. “She looks like she could be good, but we thought O'Malley was a good fit, too.”
As Jimmy spoke with the Gleesons, Rarity took a look around the shop. There was a huge magazine section in the back, with magazines for every sort of human hobby imaginable. She took a look at the cover of a People magazine and wondered why the man known as Mike Tyson had a rather ugly cutie mark on his face. She'd ask Jimmy about that later.
She looked down the aisles, looking through aisle after aisle of models, paints, model train supplies, hobby items, yarn, thread, and craft supplies. As she headed back up to the counter, a man walked through the door of the shop.
“Good evening, everyone!” He said.
“Hi, Mr. Corman!” Jimmy said. “I'll be with you in a moment.”
Mr. Corman saw Rarity.
“Excuse me, ma'am.” Mr. Corman said. “Could you help me?”
“Well, I don't wor-”
“Just for a second. You see, I'm looking for a very challenging model to build, and I was wondering if you could recommend one for me?”
Rarity kept calm. The man seemed nice enough. Why not return that kindness? “Sure, right down this way...” She started as she found the model aisle. “Anything specific you're looking for?”
“How about this?” Mr. Corman had found a model of the Apollo lunar lander.
“Well, that looks really challenging to build.” Rarity said, hoping he wouldn't cotton on to the fact she had no idea what she was doing.
“You know, it does!” Mr. Corman said. “It looks doubly challenging in the paint department. I mean, just look at all the detail you'd have to get in...”
“Are you in need of any paint, sir?” Rarity asked. One of the things she picked up as a dressmaker was an ability to name colors and shades based on sight, and also determine what colors would look great on a customer. She could tell the difference between eggshell, white, and off-white at one glance. Now she was in her element.
“I may need some, young lady.” Mr. Corman replied. “I don't think I have many of the paints needed.”
“Come with me, darling...” Rarity said as she led him to the paints.
“So, I'll go to the mat for her, Mr. G.” Jimmy said. “If she screws up, I'll take full responsibility.”
“That may not be necessary, buckaroo.” Mr. Gleeson said, motioning for Jimmy to turn around. He saw Rarity leading Mr. Corman up to the counter. He had a large model in one hand, and a stack of paints and new brushes in the other.
“Jimmy?” Rarity asked. “Do you run the register?”
“Yes.” Jimmy said.
“He needs to be rung out, darling.”
“I'll be right up. Excuse me.”
Jimmy walked to the register.
“Rarity,” Mr. Gleeson said. “Could you come over here for a second?”
Rarity did so.
“Rarity,” Mrs. Gleeson started, “That was impressive. I've never seen Mr. Corman walk out of here with so much. How'd you do it?”
“All you've got to do is show a little kindness and generosity.” Rarity started. “You have to make the customer feel special. Otherwise, why would he shop here?”
Mr. Gleeson was doubly impressed. “Right answer. Smart, charming, polite, puts the customer first... we may have a position here for you after all. How would you like to start today?”
Rarity beamed. “I would love to, darling!”
“Then it's settled.” Mrs. Gleeson said. “Rarity, welcome to Curious Goods.”
Jimmy walked back, Mr. Corman long gone. “What's up?”
“You're looking at your new co-worker.” Rarity said.
Jimmy hugged her, spinning her around. “That's great!”
He then turned to the Gleesons. “You don't know how much this means to me.”
“Jim, anyone who can get someone to walk out with that much has to be doing something right. It'd be foolish to let that opportunity slip away.” Mr. Gleeson said.
Jimmy beamed. “Come on, Rarity. I'll show you around.”
Jimmy and Rarity entered the apartment at around 8:00, a first day well done.
“How about a cheese pizza?” Jimmy asked. “Celebrate your first day?”
“That would be lovely.” Rarity said, setting her Goodwill bags on the couch.
As Jimmy reached into his pocket for his cell phone, there was a flash of light and Jimmy thought he was hallucinating, for real this time.
Standing in the middle of the living room was a regal-looking white pony. She had a long white horn protruding from her head, in front of a gold tiara with a purple diamond set in the middle, matching the necklace she wore. Her mane and tail were all the colors of the rainbow. She sported white wings, as well as gold hoof guards. This was finished by the picture of the sun on her flanks. Based on Rarity's description, she was obviously an alicorn.
“Princess Celestia!” Rarity said, bowing.
Princess? Jimmy bowed as well, just to be safe.
“Rarity!” The alicorn said in a calming, almost motherly voice. “I'm glad to see you're safe.”
“Princess, this is Jimmy Quinn.” Rarity said.
“Delighted.” Jimmy said, nervously shaking her hoof.
“I see you have not been harmed.” Celestia stated. “Perhaps my faith in the humans is well founded?”
“Yes.” Rarity replied. “This darling man has been nothing but kind.”
Jimmy's face was turning red from embarrassment.
“I have come to take you home.” Celestia said.
“What?” Jimmy and Rarity said in unison.
“You knew this was only temporary. We needed to see if the spells worked, and they do. Twilight is waiting to take your place.”
“But... Princess...”
“No buts, Rarity. No offense intended, but Twilight is more of the type for this endeavor. She takes detailed notes, she's studious... what can a dressmaker do that she can't?”
Rarity looked downcast. “I'm sorry, Jimmy, but it looks like I've got no choice.” She took Jimmy's hand. “I'll always remember you.” She sadly trudged toward the princess.
“Wait, Princess...” Jimmy started.
“Yes?” Celestia asked.
“What was the point of this project?”
“To blend in and study humanity. To document their social norms, their customs, acts of kindness and compassion.”
“Don't you think that to get kindness out of somebody you have to give a little kindness as well?”
Celestia thought. “Go on.”
“Princess, last night, I went through the most horrible night of my life. My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a mental disorder. I spilled my heart out to this wonderful woman here. I was a total wreck. You know what she did? She took me in her arms. She told me that there was nothing wrong with me. She told me how much that woman was missing out on because she couldn't see past my condition. She assured me that there was someone out there for me. I believe her. It's remarkable what a simple act of kindness can do, isn't it?”
Rarity spoke as well. “And I have encountered numerous examples of human kindness and compassion here. Jimmy gave me a place to stay and a job to support myself here. There's a lovely man who runs a restaurant down the block. He greets each and every customer there. He actually talks to them. He's genuinely concerned for the well being of each and every person who comes through his door. Jimmy's best friend, when he heard about what happened, was angry. Not at Jimmy, but at the woman who hurt him. He wanted to protect his friend, to comfort him. Finally, there's a lovely couple who run a shop down below. They aren't related to Jimmy here. But you know what? They think of him as their own. His family is their family. They took him in when he needed help. If that doesn't show that humans are more than bloodthirsty savages, then I don't know what does.”
Celestia thought this over for a moment. “It is amazing that you could get all of this in one day...”
Rarity squeezed Jimmy's hand.
“Maybe I was too dismissive. Rarity, I apologize. If you wish to stay and complete the project, you may.”
“Oh, yes please!” Rarity said.
“You will need someone to watch over you. Someone who can show you the ways of this world.” Celestia said, looking at Jimmy. “Can Jimmy here be trusted?”
“Princess, I showed up here in a very vulnerable position.” Rarity began. “He would have had his way with me and done some very ghastly things to me if I couldn't trust him.”
Celestia thought some more. “Jimmy Quinn, please step forward.”
Jimmy did so. Celestia swung her hoof in the classic knighting motion.
“Jimmy Quinn, I hereby appoint you as this pony's caretaker. You will protect her as if she were your own. You will guide her through this new world and show her it's ways. Do you accept the responsibility?”
“Is this a trick question?” Jimmy asked.
“Yes or no?”
“Yes.”
“Then it is settled.”
Jimmy, in his sheer joy, hugged the pony princess. When he realized what he just did, he pulled away with a sheepish grin. Celestia returned the hug anyway.
“Wow.” Jimmy said. “You are really soft.”
“And that's enough hugging.” Celestia said, breaking it up. “Before I go, I have to tell you of the next step in the Human Research Project.”
Celestia's horn glowed. A large canvas sack materialized.
“Since it looks like Equestria may soon be contacting the human world, we're going to need to compile a document... a book. A book containing everything one of our own would need to know about humanity and how to interact with them. An Equestrian's guide to humanity if you will.”
Celestia waved a hoof at the bag. “In here, you will find the basics: quills, ink, scrolls...”
Her horn glowed again, and a strange item appeared in her hoof. She handed it to Rarity. “This is the Ring of the Two Sisters. You will use that to seal the scroll shut, and the scroll will be sent directly to me.”
Rarity looked at Celestia. “Do we have to write one now?”
“I don't think so.” Celestia responded. “Seeing a human and a pony look out for each other is enough for now. I will be looking forward to learning more about this world.”
Jimmy heard the door open and Matt speak. “Hey, Jim! I brought beer and my copy of Hudson Hawk. I figured you'd need some cheering...”
Matt stood there, slack-jawed at the sight of a pony princess standing in his friend's apartment.
“Jim? What the hell is going on here?”
“Well, Matt... it's a funny story.” Jimmy replied. “Once upon a time, in the city of Milwaukee...”
ONE WEEK LATER...
“Here's your change, darling. Thanks for stopping by Curious Goods!” Rarity said as she closed the register drawer.
Jimmy swept the floor nearby. “Like it here?”
“Yes.” Rarity replied. "Very much.”
“I'm glad.”
“I can't thank you enough, Jimmy... for what you've done.”
“You were there for me, Rares. I'm there for you.”
The bell above the entrance door sounded as another customer walked in.
“Hello, welcome to Curious-” Jimmy started.
“Hi, Jim-Jim.” Carrie said.
Jimmy glared. “I have nothing to say to you.”
“What? Is that how you greet your girl?”
“You stopped being my girl the moment you referred to me as Rain Man.”
“That's why I'm here. I'd like to try and make up.”
“Why?”
“The guy I'm seeing... well, he's a real jerk."
"Well, it seems like you two should be great together."
“But then I remembered how nice you were, how considerate you were. He's none of that. I'd like to give you another chance.”
“Give me another chance?”
“Yeah. I mean, you're retarded, but you're nice.”
“Gee, you have such a way with words.”
“So...”
“Get bent.”
“Get bent? ” A vein started to throb in Carrie's head. “You should be getting down on your hands and knees and thanking me for giving a retard like you a second chance.”
Rarity had enough. “You must be Carrie.”
"What's it to you?" Carrie asked.
"I've been working here a week, and I've gotten to know this man. As a matter of fact, I would call him my best friend here. He's one of the sweetest, kindest people I've ever met. He's told me all about you, especially about how you dumped him."
“Shut your mouth, bimbo.” Carrie snapped. “Stay out of things you can't understand.”
"Oh, I understand perfectly. You left this darling man an emotional wreck because you couldn't see past something that wasn't his fault to begin with. Nobody is perfect, not even you. Of course, you seem to be too self-absorbed to see that. Am I right?"
“I see...” Carrie said. “You like this retard. You're interested in taking a dip in the shallow end of the gene pool, aren't you? You a retard, too?”
Rarity looked ready to break her in half and about five seconds into the act. Jimmy had finally reached the breaking point.
“Okay, that's it, now you've crossed a line!" Jimmy started. "You can insult me all you want. However, you've gone and insulted her, and now we have a major problem. I don't want you back because now I know what you really are. When you left me, I was devastated. I got drunk for the first and only time in my life because of you. I thought it was my fault for not being 'normal.' However, I see now that the problem was that I didn't really know you at all. I'm not a retard, Carrie, I'm a person. I'm just like you, whether you like it or not. I breathe the same air, drink the same water, and... I'm talking in cliches. Anyway, that 'bimbo' in the week that I've known her has shown more kindness, generosity, and understanding to me and everyone around her than you did in the year we were together. If you represent the pinnacle of normality, as you think you do, then I'm happy being 'retarded,' and if me being a so-called retard makes you uncomfortable, Carrie, then I'll shout it from the mountaintops if it makes you go away forever."
“You wouldn't dare.” Carrie said.
Jimmy casually walked over to the front door and opened it. Sticking his head outside, he shouted “HEY MILWAUKEE!!! GUESS WHAT?!!! I'M RETARDED... AND I'M PROUD OF IT!!!!”
Strangely, he got several honks in reply from passing cars. Whether that was due to his outburst or the guy driving at three miles an hour in front of them remained unclear. Jimmy strolled up to Carrie.
“You can come by later and get your crap out of my apartment. Goodbye, Carrie. It hasn't been pleasant."
If Carrie's jaw could drop any lower, it would look like the Wolf spotting Red Hot Riding Hood for the first time. She sputtered.
“Hey, look Rarity.” Jimmy said. “She's doing her motorboat impression. She seems to have thrown a rod.”
“You'll never do better than me.” Carrie could only muster those words in reply.
“When there's life, darling...” Rarity started. “...there's hope.”
Carrie started walking towards the door.
"Hey, Carrie?" Jimmy asked. Carrie turned around, a hopeful smirk on her face.
"Maybe you'll find someone, but it's not going to be me."
The smirk faded as she was hit with her own words. Carrie left, hopefully for good, as Mr. Gleeson came out of the office.
“What happened?” He asked.
“Oh, nothing, darling.” Rarity said. “Jimmy and I just took out the trash.”
“Okay... Love Story... gone!” Jimmy said, tossing the accursed DVD into the large, half-full Public Storage box. “Twilight movies... thank Christ they're gone! Nicholas Sparks collection.. gone!”
“I'm really proud of you, Jimmy.” Rarity said. “You stood up for yourself admirably.”
“I wasn't standing up for myself.” Jimmy replied. “When she attacked you, I snapped. A sweetheart like you shouldn't have to take that. Besides, I had great backup.” He returned to the task at hand. “Edward Cullen doll... GONE!”
“She really wasn't worth it.” Rarity said.
“Just had a lot to get off my chest.” Jimmy replied. “She needed to hear all of it. Whether any of it will stick is another matter entirely.” He then looked at her. "And you, my friend, are worth it."
Jimmy finally reached the Hummels. The creepy, accursed Hummels.
“Hummels...” He gathered them up and set them on the coffee table. He then picked one up and “accidentally” dropped it. The limbs separated once it hit the ground.
“Oops.” Jimmy said in the driest, most deadpan manner possible.
“Jimmy!” Rarity scolded. “That was incredibly petty of you. Normally, I would say that makes you quite a little stalli- er, man...”
Rarity then grabbed the baseball bat that Jimmy kept near the door for defense. “...but considering who we're dealing with, I'll make an exception.”
With a “KIAI!!!” Rarity brought the bat down on the Hummels. Arms, legs and heads flew off as Rarity rained down blow after blow on the accursed statuettes as if she were wielding Thor's hammer. Jimmy stared in amazement as she finished her assault. All that was left was powder with the occasional arm and leg. A blue aura surrounded the mess as Rarity swept it into a Goodwill bag and handed it to Jimmy.
“When she gets here, tell her the 'bimbo' says hi.” Rarity said with a smirk, throwing down the bat.
“Where will you be?” Jimmy asked.
“In the shower.” Rarity replied. As she closed the bathroom door, Jimmy had this to say to himself.
“I think I'm in love.”
THE BEGINNING.
View Online
The Equestrian's Guide to Humanity
Yes Rarity, There is a Santa Claus by HudsonHawk
Author's Note
A little Christmas short for my dear readers. Please, enjoy.
Yes Rarity, There is a Santa Claus by HudsonHawk
"Not a home invasion? This rotund gentleman in a red suit breaks into your home and leaves presents under a tree."
"I wouldn't exactly say 'breaks in.' He comes down your chimney. It's not like he breaks a window or something like that."
"That's still unlawful entry."
The conversation had gone like this for the past twenty minutes. Jimmy tried to explain the concept of Santa Claus to Rarity, and she had decided to try and poke holes in the legend. He couldn't blame her: the whole reason she was here was to gather information on humanity's behaviors and customs for ponykind, but couldn't she just leave old Kris Kringle alone? Or at the very least, wait for when he's not struggling to get the lights on?
It was Christmas Eve, about a month since Rarity had popped up in Jimmy's life, the morning after Carrie had broken his heart. She had listened to him spill his heart out, and she had taken him into her arms and comforted him. She had shown that she was just as beautiful on the inside as she was outside. He would always be in her debt.
Here they were, the oddest of flatmates, decorating a Christmas tree with ornaments bought from the nearby Goodwill. Jimmy would have had it set up earlier, but the Christmas rush had hit their workplace, the hobby shop Curious Goods, as well, and the pair had been pulling a lot of overtime.
Thankfully, the Gleesons closed the store Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and invited the pair over for Christmas dinner. Now, the pair finally had a chance to discuss Christmas and put up the tree. They got presents, Rarity had gathered that from the massive amounts of gift-wrapping she had done, but she wanted to know more. It was twenty minutes ago that the pair had set up the plastic tree in Jimmy's- well, their apartment. As Rarity started to get the ornaments out of the Goodwill bag, Jimmy had opened the box of extra Christmas lights that the Gleesons gave him for the tree, and his face fell flat. It's not that he was ungrateful, but he would have liked the lights to not have been tangled in knots normally seen only in a Boy Scout handbook.
"I can immediately tell THIS will be delightful." Jimmy said in the driest deadpan he could muster.
As Jimmy set to work on the Herculean task of untangling the Christmas lights, Rarity had asked what Christmas was all about.
"Well, there's two reasons why we celebrate it." Jimmy said. "There's the religious reason, and then there's the mainstream reason. Which do you want to start with?"
"Well, both would be beneficial, darling... what the hay, let's start with the religious view." Rarity had responded, hanging up several glass ornaments via telekinesis.
"Well, the religious... I can't speak for all religions. I was raised Christian, so that would be all I'd be able to tell you."
"That's no problem, darling. Please, go on."
"Well... according to the bible, there was a woman named Mary and her husband, Joseph. One day, Mary learned from the angel Gabriel that she would conceive and bear a child named- SONOFABITCH!"
Jimmy had tugged at one cord. He had smiled as the cord started to give, and then stopped. He would have sworn that the lights were doing this deliberately, as if trolling him. If he wanted to keep going, he'd have to work around ten different strands to get it free.
"That's a really odd name."
"Sorry, the lights are still giving me trouble. Actually, his name was Jesus. The only problem is Mary was a virgin, and it's impossible to concieve a child if you haven't... well..."
"Ridden her sidesaddle?" Rarity asked. Jimmy had to set down the lights while he got over the fit of laughter.
"Yes. Well, Gabriel told her that she would recieve the Holy Spirit and that "nothing will be impossible with God." Some, like me, would argue that statement's a load of crap, but that's something for another day."
Another dead end with the lights and a grunt of frustration ensued. This time, Jimmy briefly considered just cutting them up with a scissors out of sheer spite. However, he had soon calmed down enough to try again.
"Nine months later, Mary's just about ready to give birth, so she and Joseph travelled from Nazareth to Joe's family home in Bethlehem to register in some census, and no, I don't know why it's so important. Mary gave birth to Jesus, and since all the inns were filled, they put the newborn in a manger. So, every December 25th, they celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, our lord and savior."
"Do you still celebrate this... "Christian" version?"
"No. There was some unpleasantness with my old church and my family, and then that was compounded by the fact that the church had covered up a lot of wrongdoing in their ranks, and we just stopped. I was never very religious, so it wasn't a total loss. FINALLY!"
Jimmy had found one cord that seemed to be different from the rest. He tugged at it, and the rest of the strands came free. He didn't know how that worked, he didn't know why it worked, all that mattered was that the demon lights were now ready to go on the tree. Jimmy had proudly held up the untangled lights. "YES! THE LIGHTS HAVE BEEN VANQUISHED! BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR NEW MASTER, DEMON LIGHTS!!!" He had shouted in a deliberately hammy manner. Rarity laughed adorably.
"So, what's this mainstream version?" Rarity had asked, putting the last ornament up and opening a package of tinsel.
"Well, this version is about a man named Kris Kringle, or Santa Claus. He's this jolly fat man who lives up at the North Pole-" Jimmy started as he started to wrap the lights around the tree.
"Isn't it abominably cold up there, darling?"
"Yeah, but stay with me. He lives at the North Pole, with his wife Mrs. Claus, and his helper elves."
"Why elves?"
"They work cheap? I don't know. Anyway..."
"I thought you said elves didn't exist in this world."
"Did I keep interrupting you when you told me about Hearth's Warming Eve?"
"Sorry. Please go on."
"OK. They make toys for all the children of the world, and on Christmas Eve, Santa throws on his red suit, loads the toys into his sleigh, gets his magical reindeer together, and goes around the world to deliver toys to the good children, and coal to the bad."
"And you believe in this over the religious version?" Rarity asked.
"Yeah." Jimmy replied in sincerity.
"Okay, darling, I have a few questions." Rarity asked as she draped tinsel on the tree.
"Shoot." Jimmy said.
"FIrst, how can he visit all those houses in one night?"
Jimmy thought for a minute. "Well, when I was a kid, I heard a lot of theories about that. My personal favorite was that time stops when he sets out, and only starts again after every house has been delivered to."
"Be realistic, darling."
"A unicorn with telekinetic powers who looks human is telling me to be realistic? Never thought I'd say that."
"Even where I come from that story would be hard to swallow."
"Well..."
"Even then, there's the ethics of the whole thing. Isn't this a home invasion?"
"No, no..." It was then that Jimmy facepalmed in frustration, realizing that maybe stringing the lights up first would have been a good idea before hanging the ornaments when said ornaments started to impede his progress.
"OK, I'll give you that."
"So, going by all of the above, I believe that this Santa fellow doesn't exist."
"Rares, it's a legend. I choose to believe it because it's fun. It makes me feel like a kid again for a month. Besides, I believe that Santa exists in, if not all, most of us. Besides, I thought you'd like the story of Santa."
"Why, darling?"
"Because Santa is basically Earth's Element of Generosity. I thought the real Element of Generosity would appreciate it."
"Well... what do you mean by him existing in most of us?"
"There was a newspaper editorial published in 1897. I keep a copy of it in a frame and I hang it up every year. In fact... hang on."
Jimmy ran to his bedroom and rummaged through his closet until he found it. He brought it out for Rarity to see.
"There was a little girl named Virginia O'Hanlon. Her friends told her once that there was no Santa Claus, so she asked her father if it was true. He told her to write to their newspaper, the New York Sun. He assured her that if it was in the Sun, it's true. So she wrote to them. A man named Francis Church got the letter. He had been a correspondent during the Civil War, and let's be honest, that was a time where hope and faith were at an all-time low. I guess he figured that there should be some hope, and he especially didn't want to let that little girl down. He sat down and wrote what some would call the greatest editorial ever written, and it's one of the most reprinted in the English language. Would you like me to read it?"
Rarity nodded. "Yes, of course."
Jimmy looked at the copy and read.
"Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished."
Rarity could see Jimmy tearing up as he continued to read.
"Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You may tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood."
Rarity waited a few moments. "You really believe that?"
"Yes, I do. Santa's not a physical entity. He exists in everyone. You see him when you see someone do some good. Someone buys a hungry man a meal? There he is. You see someone help out someone out of the kindness of their heart? There he is. Anywhere a beacon of light and hope exists, there he is. There's nothing I believe in more strongly than that. Every time I think my fellow man has sunk to a new low, I think of that. It helps me realize that not all of us are that bad, and that as a species we're capable of so much more."
Rarity thought for a moment. "Can you make me a copy of that article, darling? I may need it for the guide entry on Christmas. The princesses would love it."
"Sure, Rares."
"If I made you upset... about Santa..."
"Nah. A lot of people seem more concerned about debunking him rather than going by his examples."
They exchanged smiles.
After a few minutes of silence, Jimmy was able to get the lights working.
"All right, Rares, here we go!" Jimmy said as he flicked the switch on the light string. The lights came on in a dazzling array of colors, reflecting off the tinsel and the ornaments to create a truly magnificent show of light.
"Now, THAT'S a tree!" Jimmy said as he admired their handiwork. "It wouldn't look half as good without your help."
"Not bad for my first time, huh?" Rarity asked.
"Not bad at all." Jimmy replied. He looked at the clock. 12:02 A.M.
"Well, it's after midnight. Better set out the gifts."
"Gifts?"
"Yeah! We got ones from Mr. and Mrs. G... Matt... Beth... my parents and sister sent me mine... and I got you something."
Rarity smiled her beautiful smile. "You got me something?"
"Of course!" Jimmy said. "You're my friend. Why wouldn't I remember you on Christmas?"
"I got you something, too." Rarity said. She rushed off to get it as Jimmy headed to his room. He opened the closet and took down a large gift-wrapped box, which he brought to the living room as Rarity returned with a small, rectangular object wrapped in festive wrapping paper.
"For you." Jimmy said as he passed her the box. Rarity tore into the paper and opened the box.
"Oh, Celestia." Rarity said in shock. She pulled out three books: "The Sewing Book: An Encyclopedic Resource of Step-by-Step Techniques," "The Singer Complete Photo Guide to Sewing," and "One-Yard Wonders: 101 Sewing Fabric Projects."
"That's not all." Jimmy said.
Rarity reached in and pulled out a large electric Singer sewing machine. Her jaw seemed to have unhinged by the look of it.
"THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" Rarity shouted as she hugged Jimmy, kissing him on the cheek.
"Not a problem." Jimmy replied. "You said you missed it, so I got you the machine and the books so you can give human clothes a try."
"I love it." She replied. "Open yours! I know it might be nothing compared to this..."
"Bullshit. I'm happy you thought of me." Jimmy unwrapped the package. "No way... NO WAY!"
Inside the wrapping were three Blu-Rays, ones that Jimmy had been trying desperately to find with no luck: "Deadly Eyes," "Monkey Shines," and the double feature of "Tales from the Crypt" and "The Vault of Horror."
"Nothing compared to mine? Rares, I've been looking all over for these!" Jimmy yelled in delight, hugging Rarity and spinning her around as he did so. "Thank you!"
"I remembered how frustrated you got trying to find them, so I gave Matt the money and he got them off the Internet." Rarity said. "Maybe we can watch them sometime? I'm intrigued by horror movies after that screening we went to of that 3D 'Friday the 13th' movie."
"Of course, of course." Jimmy and Rarity had grins a mile wide. "Sometimes, Rares, you take my breath away!"
"Merry Christmas, Jimmy." Rarity said to her friend.
"Merry Christmas, Rares." Jimmy replied.
The two shared one more hug as they stared out the window at the falling snow, the street below lined with lights and decorations. Rarity's first Christmas was a smashing success.
The Equestrian's Guide to Humanity
So Shines a Good Deed... by HudsonHawk
Author's Note
For my dear friend Ana. Thanks for staying and giving life one more try, and for giving a 27 year-old nerdy schlub from the Midwest with a horrible self-image problem two of the greatest gifts of all: the feeling that he's made a difference in someone's life and a surrogate sister. That's the kind of debt that can never be repaid. The only way you can try is to continue to live, no matter how hard life gets.
So Shines a Good Deed... by HudsonHawk
It was 1 AM on Christmas Day, and Jimmy Quinn had realized that he had forgotten what he had looked forward to most during the holiday season.
Eggnog. Dammit, I forgot to get eggnog.
That incredibly tasty yet fattening beverage that he looked forward to all year... he had forgotten it. Then again, he had a lot on his plate already. He had taken in a unicorn from another world, gotten her a job at the hobby shop he worked at, Curious Goods, and they had both put in about several lifetimes worth of overtime as the holiday rush hit. They had finally been able to put up the Christmas tree about a few hours previously, Jimmy telling her what Christmas was all about. They had exchanged their gifts early, both taking in that warm and fuzzy feeling of making sure that each got exactly what they wanted for Christmas. Then it hit. He went to the fridge to get some eggnog to split with Rarity... and realized he forgot to get it.
“Rares! Stepping out for a minute! I'll be back!” He had shouted, throwing his green trenchcoat on over his favorite Hawaiian shirt, jeans, and black hi-tops. He had finished the ensemble with the Fourth Doctor scarf Mom had crocheted him a couple years ago for Christmas.
“What for, darling?” Rarity had asked.
“Just realized I forgot eggnog.”
“Eggnog?”
“Possibly the greatest beverage known to mankind. They only sell it during the holidays, and I'll be damned if I don't get some before they stop making it for the year.”
“Really? All this for a drink?”
“When I bring back some, try it. You'll see why.”
"I'm coming with you." Rarity had said, throwing her maroon jacket on over her black blouse and jeans.
"Why? It'll be in and out, just like that." Jimmy had said.
"With these roads, and... well... you being you..."
"I see. Come on then."
Thankfully, Rarity and Jimmy had found the one mini-mart that stayed open during the holidays. As Jimmy threw the bag of nog into the backseat of his '64 Chevy Malibu, he noticed something odd.
There was a girl, around sixteen, walking to the bridge up ahead. She was a pretty girl, but she looked like she had been crying. It seemed that she had thrown a coat and boots on over a set of pajamas, specifically ones for “Frozen.” The happy, smiling face of Olaf the snowman just seemed to mask her true feelings.
Rarity noticed her as. "What is she doing out here at this hour? Shouldn't she be at home?"
Jimmy thought for a moment. Odd time to be taking a walk... in your pajamas... near a... bridge... Then it hit.
"Oh, God." Jimmy said softly. "Tell me she's not..."
She started to climb over the rail. "She IS..." Jimmy started to panic.
"What's she doing?" Rarity asked in shock.
"She's gonna jump!"
"WHAT?"
They weren't professionals, but Jimmy didn't see one in sight. It was up to them. He quickly managed to calm himself down.
“Hello there!” He shouted.
The girl turned around, a bewildered look on her face.
“I said, hello there!” Jimmy repeated.
“Hi... hi there.” The girl replied as Jimmy started to walk up with Rarity in tow, and she climbed back over.
“Odd time to be taking a walk.” Rarity said.
“I could say the same for you two." The girl replied.
“Oh, just an eggnog run. A lot of overtime at work makes you forget.” Jimmy said, trying to be as calm and as casual as possible.
The girl looked away.
“If I didn't know any better, I would think that you were planning on killing yourself.” Rarity said. Jimmy facepalmed. Smooth, Rares.
She didn't look back. “Why do you care?”
“Why shouldn't we?” Rarity replied. “Do we have to have a reason to care that someone's going to do something stupid?”
“You don't know me.” She said. “For all you know I could have a good reason.”
“There's never a good reason for suicide." Jimmy said. "Not unless you're laying down your life for someone else or you've got a terminal disease. I don't see you taking a bullet for anyone, and you don't look sick.”
“I don't see any other way.” The girl replied, the tears starting again.
“There's always another way.” Rarity said.
“Not in my case.” The girl replied.
“Well, tell me about your case, miss...” Rarity started
“Ana. You never gave me your names.”
“I'm Rarity, and this is Jimmy. Now, what's so special about your case?”
“Well, Rarity, I just can't take it anymore.”
“Can't take what, exactly?”
“Everything. I just can't take everything. Just go away.”
“We're not leaving. Not unless you convince us that whatever problems you have justify killing yourself.”
“Fine. You want to know why?”
“Shoot.” Jimmy said. He then looked horrified. "I mean, fire away. I mean... jeez." He facepalmed.
"It's OK, Jimmy." Ana said."It's not like I have a gun to my head. If you must know, I'm bullied at school for being gay.”
Rarity looked incredulous. "Why shouldn't you be happy?"
Three, count 'em, three facepalms. "Aw, God." Jimmy said.
Ana looked at Jimmy. "Is she for real?"
"Sorry, she's from... California." Jimmy replied. Ana got a look of that explains it.
"I'm not-" Rarity said before Jimmy elbowed her.
"For tonight, you are." He hissed. He then spoke to Ana. "So, you're gay. And..."
“It's just the cherry on the shit sundae!” Ana yelled. “You want to know more?”
“That's why we're here.” Jimmy replied.
“Fine. I was adopted at six. I've wanted to kill myself since I was thirteen...”
“How old are you?” Rarity asked.
“Sixteen.” Ana replied.
“Jesus...” Jimmy said in shock.
“Oh, let's continue!" Ana said, laying the snark on with a metaphorical trowel. "I have severe depression... I'm gay and get nothing short of hell for it... my parents put me down even though they know how depressed I am, and in the past three years, I've been sexually assaulted FOUR times.”
Jimmy just looked shell-shocked. Rarity looked like she wanted to just hug her to death.
“I knew you wouldn't understand.” She started to step over the rail again. “It was nice meeting you two."
Rarity started to cry. "We failed, Jimmy. I can't believe it..." She was cut off by Jimmy waving his hand.
“I may understand more than you think.”
Rarity glared at him. "WHAT?"
Ana stepped back. “Really? You?”
“Yes.” Jimmy replied.
“Are you gay, too?”
“No.”
“You adopted?”
“No.”
“Your parents put you down?”
“No.”
“Then HOW in the HELL can you UNDERSTAND what I'm going through?” The sentence was punctuated by Ana shoving Jimmy in despair. As he fell to the ground, Rarity grabbed one of her arms in defense of her friend. Her sleeve fell... and that's when they saw the scars. Scars from cutting. To Jimmy, they were the unmistakable signs of self-harm. Rarity was shocked. "What were you making that hurt you so many times?"
“Rares, those aren't accidents." Jimmy started, a somber tone entering his voice. "She's a cutter. She self-harms. It's a twisted way of easing pain by causing it." He got up. A look of concern came across Rarity's face.
"Why do you do this, darling?" Rarity asked as Ana yanked her arm back.
“Just leave me alone.” Ana said, walking back, as Rarity buried her head in her hands and sobbed. Jimmy had had enough. As Ana stepped over the rail, Jimmy followed.
"Darling!" Rarity shouted. "Get back over here this instant!"
“What are you doing?” Ana asked incredulously.
“You go over, I'm going too.” Jimmy said matter-of factly.
“What?” Ana and Rarity said in unison.
"For someone who wants to die, you're showing an awful lot of compassion."
"Because I don't want to take anyone with me! Why..."
“Because if your life means nothing, then neither does mine. If I can't stop someone from killing themselves, then what good am I?”
Ana just looked at him with an expression that screamed what the fuck?
"Darling..." Rarity started, but Jimmy charged ahead.
“You know, I was bullied a lot in school, too. There, it was because I was an overweight nerd. I kept to myself a lot. In high school, that behavior led to kids saying to other kids not to say a lot of insulting things to me, as they thought I was going to mastermind the next Columbine. That really hurt me. Things did get better by my junior year. Those that bullied me either dropped out or graduated by then. School went a lot better for me.”
“Being bullied for being a nerd and being bullied for being gay are two different things.” Ana replied.
Jimmy soldiered on.
“You said you have severe depression?”
“Yeah.”
“So do I.”
Ana looked at him in disbelief. This man, a man who dresses like he was a candidate for the role of The Doctor, suffers as well?
“Yes. I have depression. It came on about nine years ago, and it was the worst I'd ever felt in my life. I didn't want to get up in the morning. I could never get to sleep. I thought about hurting the ones I loved. It truly felt as if I were losing my mind and there was no relief in sight. I came close to killing myself as well.”
Rarity's jaw dropped. Oh, darling...
For once, Ana looked at him in shock. “Why didn't you?”
“Because I thought of my family. My friends. Sure, it would be a release, but there would be no coming back. I'd be gone, my family and friends would forever wonder why I did it...”
Jimmy was starting to tear up as he relived that time.
“I finally told my mom what was going on, and I got help. It turned out I had Asperger's syndrome. It and depression go hand in hand... no, strike that... they skip hand in hand down a country lane singing 'Hooked on a Feeling.'”
Out of the corner of his eye he could see her stifling a laugh. He continued.
“It explained a lot of my behavior as well. Why I kept to myself, why I love movies and TV and video games so much that I can tell you trivia at the drop of a hat, and also why I felt so terrible.”
“What did you do?” Ana asked, curious.
“I was put on anti-depressants. I've never thought about it since. I've been trying to come out of my shell, and it's still an uphill battle. What matters is that I'm still here and I've never gone back.”
"Darling..." Rarity started. "I never knew you... had it... that bad..."
"She has it worse, Rares." Jimmy replied. "She needs your love more than I do."
Ana continued to look at him. “Why are you being so nice to me? No one's ever been nice to me.”
“Because I'm human, and I don't like to see people in pain. Killing yourself is just a permanent solution to temporary problems. You'll get older. You'll leave the jerks behind that bully you. You'll move away from your parents and if what you say is true, then you'll thankfully cut them out of your life and never look back. You'll meet a wonderful girl who'll love you for who you are. You'll stop cutting. You'll touch someone's life. Hell, you've already done that.”
“What do you mean?”
“You've touched mine and you've touched Rarity's. Hell, I'm about to jump off a bridge for someone I barely know just to show them that life is worth living.”
Ana was speechless.
“You'll never know what will happen if you kill yourself, Ana. All you'll have are what-ifs and no way to see if they'd pan out. You wouldn't see if they regretted mocking you and bullying you. I'm guessing you wonder why you were born, too?”
“Yes.”
“That's the fun of life: to find out why. If there's something I've learned from all the crap that I've been through in life, it's that while we may make mistakes, life itself is not one. The only way to prove all your tormentors wrong about you is to live. Just live.”
Rarity was on edge. "Please, Ana... don't do it."
Ana was in utter shock. “Jimmy... Rarity... " The tears started falling as her voice cracked. "What am I doing out here?”
Jimmy smiled. “That, my friend, is the right question.”
Thank God. Jimmy thought. Thank God.
Thank Celestia and Luna. Rarity thought.
She stepped back over the rail. “Aren't you coming?”
“I would...” Jimmy started. “Can you guys help me back over? In the heat of the moment, I forgot about my fear of heights.”
Ana was silent for a moment. Then Jimmy heard it. One of the most wonderful sounds in the world. She was laughing. It seemed to be a laugh that had been years overdue. It was utterly adorable, as if it were the laugh of a chorus of angels. The laugh was so contagious that Jimmy joined in, just as loud and just as happy. Rarity followed too, as their voices converged to make a chorus of heavenly laughter. Then...
“Seriously. I need help getting back over.” Jimmy said, shaking like a leaf.
After the ladies helped a very scared Jimmy back over the rail, Ana just had one question for the pair.
“Why were you two so nice to me?”
“Because we're nice to everyone.” Jimmy replied.
“Nobody's ever been nice to me.” Ana said.
“You just haven't found the right people yet." Rarity said. "There's a lot of jerks out there, but there are also a lot of good, honest people who would care about you if they knew you. You just have to find them.”
“People like you two?”
The question made Jimmy blush in embarrassment with the intensity of a thousand suns. He looked over, and Rarity was looking away, a splash of red on her cheek.
“Yes... people like us.” Jimmy replied.
“I wish I could be one of those people. I have more flaws than a sack of potatoes just pulled from the ground.”
“Ana, we all have flaws." Jimmy said. "That's what comes with humanity. As long as you acknowledge them and try to fix them, you're a truly good person. And if you succeed in fixing them, it's a bonus.”
“You really mean that?”
“I do.”
The three stared at each other for a moment. Tears started streaming down Ana's face. She sobbed as she reached out for someone, anyone to hug her and help the pain go away. She found Rarity, and she pulled her into a hug. Her other arm found Jimmy, and he joined them, hugging as tightly as Rarity.
“I'm going to stay.” Ana said through her tears.
“Thank you.” Jimmy replied, as he started to cry as well.
"Good for you, darling." Rarity said through tears.
The trio hugged for a while as it started to snow again.
“Can you guys take me home?” Ana asked.
“Of course.” Jimmy replied. “The Quinn Express is parked over there.” He pointed at the Malibu. Ana walked over. Jimmy followed suit, opening the back door for her... and then he had an idea. He then started checking in the back for something.
“What are you doing?” Ana asked, as Jimmy wrapped a large, multi-colored scarf around her neck, similar to his.
“My uncle knit this years ago, and he gave it to me. It's a bit old, and it's got a few holes in it, but it's still pretty warm. I kept it in here in case I forgot the one that Mom knit me.” He said as he gestured at his own scarf. “You looked cold, so I thought you should have it.”
“Really?” Ana asked.
“Really really.” Jimmy replied.
It took fifteen minutes for Jimmy to find Ana's house based on the directions he gave her, but there they were, parked outside.
“You sure you want to go in?” Jimmy asked. “I could always take you back to the bridge. I won't stop you this time.”
“I'm sure.” Ana replied.
"Positive, darling?" Rarity asked.
"Yes." Ana said.
Jimmy put the Malibu in park and got out, opening the door for Ana. "I'll be back, Rares." He said to his friend. He then turned to Ana.
“If I leave you here, will you promise to go right inside?” Jimmy asked.
“Yes.” Ana replied.
“Pinkie swear?” Jimmy held out his hand, pinkie finger extended.
“Pinkie swear.” Ana said, wrapping her pinkie finger around his.
Jimmy hugged her tightly. “Keep the scarf.”
Ana's face was one of adorably pure joy. “Really?”
“Yes.” Jimmy replied,
“Thank you.” Ana replied. As she started to walk towards her house, a thought hit Jimmy.
“Uh, Ana, hold on a minute.” He said, as he rummaged through his coat pockets. He pulled out his sonic screwdriver pen and a business card for Curious Goods. As she watched, he wrote down something on the back.
“This is my cell phone number.” He said as he gave her the card. “You think about doing this again, you call me. I'm always willing to listen.”
Ana looked the happiest she had ever been since Jimmy had met her. “I will.” She then looked downcast.
“What's wrong?” Jimmy asked.
“It's just...” She started. “You two have done so much for me, and I have nothing to give you.”
Jimmy knelt down in the snow and looked in her eyes, something that took a lot of effort due to his Asperger's. “Just live. Just go ahead and make something of your life. Just make yourself and others happy. Just keep smiling that beautiful smile. What year in school are you?”
“Sophomore.”
“Two more years and you'll never see those bastards again. With any luck, they'll either graduate or drop out by the next year. If they don't, just remember that after graduation, you'll only see the people that you want to see.”
Ana kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you. I 'm glad you were there.”
Those simple words hit Jimmy like a shotgun blast to the face. He froze up.
“I... I... I don't know what to say...”
“Just be happy, huh?”
“I will. But first, just stand there... because I'm going to hug you as tightly as humanly possible.”
“Go ahead.”
Jimmy and Ana hugged for the last time that night, and Jimmy kept his word: it was as tight as humanly possible. It was what she said next that slugged his feels.
"You and Rarity... you're my heroes." Ana said.
"I'm no hero." Jimmy said, looking away.
"You helped save my life. You're a hero to me."
"I'm just a dumpy, nerdy, white guy. I'm not hero material."
"Nobody looks on the inside, Jimmy. If you weren't a hero, you wouldn't have risked your life for me. There's a big heart beating underneath that tacky shirt. I hope you realize it."
Jimmy was speechless. "It's not tacky. It's from the Thomas Sullivan Magnum line of menswear." Jimmy joked, smiling from ear to ear.
"What?" Ana asked.
"'Magnum, P.I.' A bit before your time."
"I'll look it up."
The pair laughed.
“Goodbye, Ana.” Jimmy said.
“Goodbye, Jimmy.” Ana replied, as she headed toward her house. "Goodbye, Rarity!" She shouted. Rarity waved back.
“Ana?” Jimmy asked.
“Yes?” Ana replied.
Jimmy paused. “Merry Christmas.”
Ana smiled. “Merry Christmas.”
Jimmy didn't leave until he saw she was safe inside. He returned to the Malibu and slid behind the wheel, his face one of pure thought.
"Bit for your thoughts, darling?" Rarity asked.
"She said something to me that nobody outside my family ever said." Jimmy said, eyes ahead.
"What? That you should burn that shirt?" Rarity quipped.
Jimmy chuckled. "No. She said that... you and me... we're her heroes."
Rarity looked at him. "She did?" She asked, joy on her face.
"Yeah. I've never been told that. Ever."
Rarity put a hand on his shoulder. "You deserve it. You saved her life."
"No, Rares... WE saved her. And even after what she told me, I still don't believe I'm one."
"Jimmy, look at me. Look me in the eyes." Rarity said as she grabbed his head and turned him toward her. "You remember that movie we saw... 'Schindler's List?'"
"Yeah." Jimmy replied. "I remember the talk we had afterwards, about World War II."
"But, do you remember when they gave Schindler that ring?"
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"It was a verse from the Talmud. He who saves one life saves the world... " It hit him. "Entire... "
"If saving a world does not a hero make, darling, then I don't know what would."
The emotions of the past hour finally caught up with him. Jimmy put his head in his hands and cried tears of joy. Rarity pulled him into a hug as she started to cry as well. Whoever said it was right: a good cry DOES cleanse the soul.
Jimmy started the car and drove away, taking the pair back towards Curious Goods and home. He plugged his iPod into the car radio as Rarity asked a question.
"If gay doesn't mean happy in this case, what does it mean?"
"She's attracted to someone of the same sex."
"Ohh, we have those back home! Fillyfoolers!"
Jimmy mulled that over. "Filly... foolers?"
"Yes. The male versions are coltcuddlers." Rarity replied. "Why does she get bullied for being gay?"
Jimmy took a deep breath. "Because people fear what they don't understand. They don't know why people would be attracted to the same sex, so they bully them and tell them it's not natural. It is. It depends on how your brain is wired. But, ignorant fools don't listen to facts, and they keep on bullying others." Jimmy's voice took on a sterner edge. "In recent years, there's been a rash of suicides of gay teenagers. These are kids that had their whole life ahead of them, and they were cut short because a bunch of ignorant assholes got it into their head to tell them what was right and make them feel inhuman. They're people, Rarity. THEY'RE PEOPLE! They're not monsters, they're ordinary people. You want to know the true irony, Rares?"
"Sure." Rarity said.
"A lot of the people who bully them... they're gay themselves."
"Why do they keep doing it then? Shouldn't that give them incentive to sympathize?"
"No. They're in denial. They don't want to realize that they are what they hate, so they redouble their efforts. It's times like this that I am truly ashamed of my species." Jimmy hung his head in shame.
Rarity tucked a hand under his chin and pulled his head up. "You're not gay. You don't share those bigoted views. From what you tell me, those ignorant people are in the minority, darling. They only seem vast because they're louder. Those that care should be louder than they are and drown them out. Your species has the capacity for both great good and great evil. I've seen both, with World War II and tonight. As long as there are good people out there, humanity has a fighting chance. Without evil, darling, there would be no good men to fight it. It's the same in Equestria. You have nothing at all to be ashamed for about humanity. It'll find it's way, just like ponykind."
Jimmy processed this. "You really think, so Rares?"
"I know so, Jimmy." Rarity replied, the most adorable and infectious grin on her face.
"Now, I believe we have eggnog to drink, darling..."
As they drove home, Jimmy mulled over the last hour, and one sentence in particular stood out.
“You've done so much for me, and I have nothing to give you.”
Jimmy thought. You gave me the greatest Christmas gift of all, Ana. You left me with the knowledge that I made a difference in someone's life, that I'm someone's hero. That's the kind of gift you don't see very often.
The Malibu had turned onto Norris as Jimmy's iPod hit something really appropriate...
The New Radicals were right. We only get what we give.
7:30. It was closing time at Curious Goods.
Jimmy was straightening shelves, and Rarity was counting the total in the till.
The door opened, sounding the bell.
"I'm sorry, we're close-" Jimmy started.
There, in jeans, T-shirt, tennis shoes and a coat, was Ana. She was grinning from ear to ear, and, to Jimmy's delight, was still wearing his old Fourth Doctor scarf.
"Ana!" Jimmy said, running over to hug her. "How lovely to see you again!" He turned to the register to see Rarity's face light up in recognition.
"Hello, darling!" Rarity said.
"Hello, guys." Ana said. "I just stopped by to say thank you."
"You're welcome, darling." Rarity replied. "We're just glad to see you happy and alive."
"I'm getting into therapy... for the cutting, and what happened last night. I hope it works."
"So do I." Jimmy said. "We're always here to listen. Just stop by. The Gleesons wouldn't mind."
"The Gleesons?" Ana asked.
"The owners, darling." Rarity replied. "They consider us family, and I'm sure if you told them what was going on, they'd consider you family, too."
"I... would love that." Ana replied, tears in her eyes.
"You stop by once a day, whenever you can. We'll listen to you and we'll try to help." Rarity said. "I have the feeling that something to look forward to would help you take your mind off of... well..."
"I understand." Ana replied. 'I have something for you guys. I know it's not much, but..."
"You don't have to give us anything." Jimmy said.
"I insist. I drew these when I got home last night. I wanted to give you something that was as much from the heart as what you did for me was."
She handed over two manilla envelopes, one made out to Jimmy, and the other to Rarity. Rarity opened hers first:
"It's absolutely lovely, darling." Rarity said.
"You reminded me of a Disney princess. You were kind and patient with me. I thank you very much for it."
"Open yours, Jimmy." Rarity said.
Jimmy tore open the manilla envelope to reveal...
Jimmy was speechless.
"I picked this lion creature because of how brave you were getting on that ledge for me. I chose battle scars because you fought through a dark period in your life and survived. The ornamental headpiece shows that you are my hero."
Jimmy was stunned as the words ran through his head.
... you are my hero.
Jimmy felt a sensation he hadn't felt in years. The sudden emotion dropped him to his knees as a crying jag began.
... you are my hero.
The tears and sobs flowed freely as the ladies hugged Jimmy. He wasn't sad at all, though.
... you are my hero.
He was happy. For the first time in a long time, he loved himself. And why?
I barely know this girl. And I'm her hero.
He had made a difference in someone's life, and it felt great. He was hooked on this feeling, and he never wanted it to go away.
AUTHOR'S NOTE, PART II: With the permission of the lovely CrystalClearPain, I expanded the story I wrote her for Christmas into a full fledged story for the Equestrian's Guide. I hope you all enjoy it.image of Rarity comes from kristaia on deviantart. Leave her a comment and tell her how lovely it is.
The Equestrian's Guide to Humanity
Ponyville Homesick Blues by HudsonHawk
"Okay, you militia rejects... let's see you outrun a bullet."
Jimmy Quinn chuckled to himself as he took out his sniper rifle. Peering through the scope, he briefly admired the jungle around him, then took stock of the situation... one man in the guard tower, two on the ground... better take care of the guard first.
The silencer sang as the first shot took out the sniper in the guard tower. Jimmy then went back for the other two. He downed the first one with a head shot, but alerted his buddy to his presence by doing so. Jimmy quickly aimed for the head... and the guard started running, taking the bullet in the shoulder. Even worse...
Oh, crap... Jimmy thought. That was my last sniper round...
He drew his dual SMGs, and ran for cover as the soldier unloaded his own SMG into the forest around him. Jimmy took two bullets as he whirled around and fired back. The soldier fell, but a few of his buddies had heard the fracas.
Jimmy ran forward, guns blazing...
"FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE, WOULD YOU TURN THAT DOWN?"
The XBOX controller suddenly felt a bit heavy.
Jimmy paused the game as looked over his shoulder to see the angry face of the purple-haired woman behind him. Rarity sat at the large folding table they had set up in the living room for her to sew, her red reading glasses halfway down her nose, and a look that could set someone on fire plastered on her face.
"I can hardly concentrate on my patterns with that... that... noisy JUNK playing..." She managed to get out through gritted teeth.
Jimmy sighed and set the controller down on the coffee table. For the past few days, Rarity just hadn't been herself. She had been snippy and more than a bit overbearing, though she was able to hide it rather well at work. However, when she got home with Jimmy...
"Rares..." Jimmy started. "It was a very long and very tiring day for us. I need to unwind, and video games are how I do it."I unwind!"
Uh oh.
Rarity gave Jimmy a VERY hard stare.
UH OH.
If looks could kill, Jimmy would be dead.
Mt. St. Rarity was about to blow...
Rarity shot up from the table and stomped toward the entertainment center. Before Jimmy could protest, Rarity had flicked the switch on the power strip. The TV and XBOX shut down immediately."Two can play at this game." Jimmy thought. He got up and headed toward the table.
Rarity's face was so red that, in retrospect, Jimmy was surprised her hair didn't catch fire.
"You... You..." Rarity looked around... and then got a devilish look on her face. She grabbed the 12-inch Terl figure from his perch on top of the entertainment center. She held him lengthwise and raised him above her head...
"OW!!!"
Terl fell to the ground intact as Rarity hopped on one leg, holding her hurt knee.
"BUAHAHAHAHA!"
Jimmy doubled over with laughter. He laughed long and hard, holding his sides. Rarity glared at him angrily, half due to the pain and half due to anger at her roommate.my fault?" Jimmy asked, taken aback.IN MY OWN HOME , you wouldn't have stupidly hurt your knee by trying to break an action figure in half?" Jimmy said, trying to contain his anger.WHAT?!?! How does that work?" Jimmy shouted, confused.
There was a bone-chilling silence.
"What did you say?" Jimmy said, the picture of tranquil fury.
There was a long pause. Jimmy started to shake with anger and hurt. He pointed at the door.
"Get out of my home, you... you... BITCH." He said.
Rarity looked shocked for several moments, as if someone had just squatted down over her best dress and laid a big fudge dragon upon it.
The shock turned to anger.
The anger became an open palm that struck Jimmy full across the cheek.
There were a few minutes of silence. Neither one said anything. Then...
"Fine!" Rarity shouted as she grabbed her coat from the hatstand. "I don't think I can stand being cooped up here with such a... a... RUFFIAN as you!"
SLAM!
And then, Jimmy was alone.
A half-hour had passed since Rarity had stormed out of Jimmy's life. Jimmy's anger had begun to fade, replaced with the hurt he felt at Rarity's outburst... well, her behavior the past few days. He didn't know why his good friend and roommate had started to act like that.
Maybe he hadn't been as understanding as he could have been. Maybe he did something to hurt her and didn't know it. It wouldn't have been the first time. If only he could read people... if he hadn't been stuck with his Asperger's... if he were just normal...
“Yeah. I'm glad you told me before we got married... before we had kids. I'd have to raise one big and several little Rain Men. That would take years off of my life!”
Carrie's words echoed in his head.
“I'd have to raise a litter of retards. I just can't do that.”
Jimmy hated himself at that point. He looked at the wall next to his bedroom door. There, next to the door frame, hung the pictures Ana had drawn for them. The princess that was Rarity stood there, her gown flowing around her, her enchanting smile beaming at him. Next to that picture was the lion she had drawn.
"I picked this lion creature because of how brave you were getting on that ledge for me. I chose battle scars because you fought through a dark period in your life and survived. The ornamental headpiece shows that you are my hero."
Some hero he was. He felt so undeserving of that title. Ever since that night, Ana had been a frequent visitor to Curious Goods. She had become a surrogate sibling to Jimmy and Rarity. She looked up to them both for caring so much to save her life, even though they didn't know her...
...much like Jimmy had been with Rarity.
He didn't know her, but he gave her a roof over her head, clothes, and employment. He had helped her, and now... she was out there, alone, with nothing.
The more Jimmy thought, the more he felt that there was something wrong. Rarity had never acted as self-centered and angry as she had been earlier. She knew how much Carrie's words had hurt him. She had told him time and again that she was wrong, and there was nothing wrong with him for having what he had.
That settled it for Jimmy. Something was wrong with his friend. Whether he had thoughtlessly caused it or if it was something else, he had to patch things up and find out what was wrong.
But first... he had to find her.
Jimmy grabbed his trenchcoat from the hatstand and headed for the door. His mind went to work:
She doesn't know how to drive, so that limits the area to everything within walking distance...
As he stepped into the hall, he noticed something.
The door to the roof, the place he always went to think, was ajar. Due to the harsh Wisconsin winters, he always double checked it whenever he came down to make sure it was closed. Someone was up there.
"Rares?" Jimmy asked no one as he dashed toward the door.
The roof to Curious Goods was unremarkable, as far as roofs went. It was just a large, grey, flat surface surrounded by four short beige walls at the end. There was a lawn chair that had been up there since only God knows when, which shockingly still held Jimmy's weight. During the spring and summer, Jimmy would come up here and listen to his iPod as he watched the sunset and thought about... well... anything.
There was something new when Jimmy came up this time, though: a beautiful woman sat in the lawn chair, shivering, her eyes red from crying...
"Rares!" Jimmy shouted.
Rarity turned to look at him.
"J-J-Jimmy?" She got out through chattering teeth.
Jimmy ran over, knelt beside her, and pulled her into a tight hug.
"I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry..."
He felt her arms wrap around his back, tightly.
"No, Jimmy... I'm sorry, darling."
They stayed there for several minutes, hugging each other tightly, their animosity gone.
"Look, Rares... we have to talk..."
Jimmy brought two steaming mugs of cocoa over to the couch. Rarity, having changed into a warm pair of purple pajamas, took one mug and sipped thoughtfully. Jimmy sat next to her and sipped at his, savoring the taste of powdered chocolate and marshmallows.
"Look, Rarity..." Jimmy began, "Whatever I did that got you mad at me for these past few days... I'm sorry. I really am. I just... I just don't want to lose a friend because I did something stupid..."
Rarity put down her mug and looked at him quizzically.
"What makes you think you did something wrong?" She asked, almost motherly.
"Well..." Jimmy began, setting his mug down as well. "It's just you've been really short with me lately. I just felt like it was my fault..."
Rarity put a calming hand on Jimmy's shoulder. "Darling, believe me, it's not your fault. Not at all."
Jimmy started to tear up. "I said some horrible things, Rares... I didn't mean any of them... I didn't..."
Rarity pulled Jimmy into a warm hug. He returned her embrace as she rocked him gently.
"I know, darling. I know." She said softly. "I said a lot of horrible things to you, too... I didn't mean any of it, either... I'm the one who should be apologizing."
Rarity pulled away and looked away from Jimmy.
"Rares?" Jimmy asked. "What's wrong?"
Rarity looked away as tears started flowing down her cheeks.
"I... I miss home." She said. "I miss Equestria. I miss Ponyville. I miss my parents... my sister... my friends... my dear Opalescence... my shop..."
Rarity started sobbing.
"I miss them all, but I have to keep going here. This is too important for both our worlds. I tried to lock those feelings away so I could keep going... and then I took it out on you..."
She buried her face in her hands. "I don't blame you if you really hate me for what I said. If you want me to leave..."
Jimmy immediately put his hands on her cheeks and slowly turned her face toward his. He gathered up the courage to do this.
"Rarity... look me in my eyes." Jimmy said.
Rarity did so, as Jimmy began to speak.
"With what you've told me about your friends, I'm shocked you don't know that true friends share the load. Their problems are your problems, and vice versa..."
"I know that, darling..." Rarity began as she sniffled. "...but with what happened with that beast of an ex-lover and how she hurt you... and with that darling girl we met and how she looks up to us... I felt that you shouldn't have to burden yourself with my problems as well."
"Rarity..." Jimmy hugged her tightly. "...it's no burden. Not at all. Celestia appointed me your caretaker. That means that your problems are my problems. No exceptions. They'd still be my problems even if I wasn't your caretaker, because friends share the load. I'm always here if you need to talk, Rares. Always and forever. And..."
Jimmy heard soft snoring.
"...and you're out like a light, aren't you?"
With great difficulty, Jimmy had managed to extricate himself from the sleeping Rarity. She now lay on the couch, covered up with a comforter. After covering her up, Jimmy started to pace around the apartment, as was usual when he was deep in thought. He wanted to help her so badly...
Then he saw it. On his desk, atop a pile of the parchment Rarity and Jimmy had been using to submit guide entries, lay the Ring of the Two Sisters, the seal which would send the scroll to the Princess...
It was then that the dim bulb in Jimmy's head brightened. He just hoped that the Princess would understand the use of the ring for a non-guide related matter.
He took a seat at the desk and picked up a quill. Dipping it in ink, he tried to write with it.
All he got was a giant ink blot.
He tried again. Another ink blot. He crumpled up the parchment and tossed it away. One of these days, Rarity would have to show him how to use a quill. Until then... Mr. Ballpoint would do.
Grabbing the Etch-a-Sketch game pen from the pen cup on his desk, Jimmy started to write on the parchment.
"Dear Princess Celestia..."
Jimmy awoke to the feeling of the wind being knocked out of him. Something had decided to use his stomach as a crash mat. As he started to cough, whatever it was tipped off his stomach and onto the floor of his bedroom with a loud crash.
"What was that?!"
Rarity darted through the door.
"Jimmy? Are you okay, darling?!" She asked.
Jimmy's coughing had begun to subside as he moved to a sitting position on his bed. "I'm fine, Rares. Something just fell on me..."
It was then that he noticed Rarity's stunned expression. He looked down at the ornate wooden box on the floor before him, the object that had knocked the air out of him. He leaned over to pick it up as Rarity joined him on the bed. As he brought it up so they could see...
"Darling... that's Princess Celestia's cutie mark."
Jimmy took a minute to admire the box. It reminded him of the wooden box Gizmo the Mogwai came in. The box had a hinged lid with a small latch on the front. The whole thing, from the frames surrounding the panels of the box as well as said panels, was varnished to a nice dark brown. Said panels had an ornate sun on them... and Jimmy did recognize it as Celestia's cutie mark.
"I've seen that box before, darling." Rarity started. "That box is meant for transporting something via magic. It's only sent when there's multiple items to send. Twilight used it once to send me some reference material from the Canterlot archives for some period clothes I was making."
"Do you want to open it, or should I?" Jimmy asked.
Rarity unmatched the box, then took Jimmy's hand. She laid it on one side of the lid, then laid hers on the other.
"We'll both open it, darling." Rarity said. "One... two... three..."
Rarity and Jimmy opened the box... and Rarity gasped. She pulled out a large, silver picture frame. Jimmy craned his neck over to see what it was.
Inside the frame was a picture of a pony family: there was a brown-maned and mustachioed unicorn stallion in a blue, white-collared Hawaiian shirt covered with white and yellow flowers. Three footballs were on his flank. Next to the stallion was a pink unicorn mare, her purple mane done up in a beehive hairdo, a blue heard scarf tied in it. She wore a red, white-collared shirt with a clamshell brooch, and a pair of white pants.
Between them were two white unicorns, one a filly. The taller unicorn had her front leg around the shoulders of the filly. The filly had dark green eyes, a white coat, and a pink-and-purple mane. She had no mark on her flank. Next to her, the purple-maned unicorn had sapphire eyes, a winning smile, and three diamonds on her flank... she was someone he knew all too well...
Jimmy looked up at Rarity. Her eyes were wet with tears, but even he could tell these were happy tears. She smiled lovingly at the picture.
"Mommy... daddy... Sweetie Belle..." She said. Her fingers touched each pony as she said their names.
"The last one..." Jimmy started. "That's you, isn't it?"
Rarity looked at him. She nodded.
Jimmy took a long look at the picture, taking in the sight of Rarity's family. "First off, it's nice to see them at last." He started. "Second, you look absolutely adorable."
Rarity beamed at him, a slight blush in her cheeks. "Stop it." She said, setting the frame aside and pulling out... another frame.
Rarity gasped again.
The photo in here was a group of ponies. Rarity was there, seated on her rump, a foreleg raised as she looked at the camera. Leaning on her was a hyperactive-looking pink mare, her baby-blue eyes gleaming and mouth open in a smile as she excitedly waved at the camera. Next to her was a rainbow-maned cyan Pegasus mare. Her wings were flared, and she looked ready to take on the world. Beneath her stood an orange, freckle-faced mare, smiling as she winked one of her green eyes at the camera. She wore a brown Stetson, had three red apples on her flank, and her blonde mane and tail were done up in ponytails. To the left of her, a yellow, pink-maned Pegasus mare was laying down, her dark blue-green eyes gleamed as she smiled shyly-yet-adorably at the camera. Her flank had three small butterflies on it. In the center was a purple alicorn with purple eyes. Her indigo mane had pink highlights in it, and she looked the happiest of them all. Seated next to Rarity was a small, green-scaled purple dragon, waving at the camera and smiling.
Rarity was barely keeping it together at this point. She touched the ponies in the picture as she said their names.
"P-Pinkie Pie... Rainbow D-Dash... Applej-jack... Fl-Fluttershy... T-Twilight... Sp-Spikey Wikey..."
She picked up the pictures of her family and friends and hugged them to her chest.
"I miss you all..."
Jimmy reached into the box and pulled out the last item: a green crystal.
"Twilight showed me that, once..." Rarity started. "That sends video messages. She kept in contact with her brother and her sister-in-law when they went on their honeymoon with that. It's kind of like your cell phone, only it can only be activated with a unicorn's magic."
"A unicorn... like you?" Jimmy asked.
"Yes." Rarity said. She concentrated on the crystal. Her eyes glowed blue as the crystal activated. A small, portal-like hole appeared in the room. Rarity's family appeared in it, and their message began to play...
"Hi, dumpling!" Rarity's father said in a thick Midwestern accent. "It's us! Princess Celestia told us all about what you're doing, and I just want to tell you how proud we all are of ya. We got one of them crystal things, too, so ya can leave us a message and we can leave ya one. I hope this helps ya with being away from us."
"It... it's helping already, Daddy." Rarity said, trying not to cry.
Sweetie Belle spoke up.
"Hi, Rarity! I can't wait to hear all about that new world you're in. Still no luck on the cutie mark front, but the girls and I are still trying. We're getting fitted for ice skates today, so I'll tell you how that goes. I want to tell you that I love you, I hope you're okay, and that you're the best big sister ever!"
"And... yo- you're the best little sister ever..." Rarity choked out.
It was Rarity's mom's turn to speak.
"Hi, precious. I don't think I can add much to all of that. Just stay safe, and I hope that fella you're with is treating you well."
"He... he is, mommy. He is." Rarity said.
"Speaking of that..." Rarity's dad started. "...if this 'hooman' fella you're staying with is watching... I wanna thank ya for looking after Rarity and helping keep her safe..."
"No problem, sir." Jimmy said as he put his arm around Rarity.
"...and ya better keep your hooves off my daughter if ya know what's good for ya!"
Jimmy's arm immediately shot back to his side. Rarity looked at him, confused.
"Better to be safe than sorry." Jimmy said, grinning nervously.
"Anyway, dumpling, we gotta go. We love ya!" Rarity's father said, as Mom and Sweetie Belle joined him in waving at the camera.
Rarity waved back, her eyes wet with tears.
"I lo-love you, to-too..." She stammered out.
The picture faded to that of Princess Celestia. Next to her, a blue alicorn stood by, her dark blue mane filled with what appeared to be stars. She had teal eyes, a warm smile, and her royal regalia was black compared to Celestia's gold. There was a crescent moon on her flank and her breastplate.
"Hello Rarity and Jimmy." Celestia started. "I want to say that I'm sorry I didn't think of this sooner. I should have known how homesick you would be, and I feel like I have failed one of my little ponies."
The blue alicorn spoke up. "Sister, not one of us is perfect. We should know. Neither thou nor Rarity are immune to that rule."
"I know, Lulu..." Celestia started. "Oh, where are my manners? Jimmy, if you're watching this, this is Luna, my sister and princess of the night."
"Greetings, James." Luna said. "We would like to thank thee for thou's hospitality towards Rarity. Not everypony would let a stranger stay in one's house, so thou must be a special stallion to do so. With all we have heard of thou's species, especially those 'fingers' of thou's... if thou is ever in Equestria... we would like to... get to know thee better..."
Luna fluttered her eyelashes seductively as Jimmy stared at the screen in shock.
"Lulu! This is not the time nor the place to ask for a date!" Celestia shouted.
"But, Tia!" Luna whined. "We have not been with a stallion in a thousand years! We need relations badly!"
"Lulu..." Celestia said sternly. "...we will talk about this later. Go."
Luna tromped off camera as Celestia continued. "First, I want to thank Jimmy for telling me about this, and for reaffirming that Rarity's trust and my trust in you was not misplaced or ill-gained. Second, Rarity, you will be delighted to know that we are getting another crystal made for Twilight, and she will contact you as soon as she can. Third, I want to thank you, Rarity, for doing this. In the end, your sacrifice and time shall be worth it. Faustspeed, you two. I look forward to the next guide entry."
The hole faded, and the room was quiet once more. Rarity looked over to see that Jimmy was facepalming.
"What's wrong?" Rarity asked.
"I told Celestia not to mention me..." Jimmy said.
"Why?" Rarity asked, confused.
"Because mom always said that a good deed loses its power if you brag about it." Jimmy replied.
He jumped slightly when Rarity embraced him, nuzzling into his neck.
"You're not bragging, darling." Rarity began. "She just thanked you. It's not wrong to accept credit or gratitude for a good deed..."
She then kissed him on the cheek... exactly where she slapped him yesterday.
"...and I want to thank you for doing this, darling. It was beyond sweet of you."
Jimmy blushed furiously. "It was nothing, Rares." He then broke the embrace and started heading for the bedroom door.
"Where are you going, darling?" Rarity asked.
"Well..." Jimmy started. "...you more than likely want to send your family a message and let them know you're okay. Me, I got to take a shower and all that good stuff, so I'll just leave you alone..."
Jimmy felt himself being dragged back via Rarity's telekinesis.
"Nonsense!" Rarity said. "You're just as much a part of my family now as they are. Besides, I think they'd want to meet you, darling."
Rarity put her arm around Jimmy, and Jimmy did the same. Rarity activated the crystal, and began to speak.
"Hi, mommy! Hi, daddy! Hi, Sweetie Belle! I just wanted you to know that I'm fine here... and I have someone you'd quite like to meet..."