So I sat down one day and tried to think of the most absurd thing possible to turn into a story.

This is it.

I regret nothing.

Rated Mature for absolute what-the-fuckery.
Also a big thank you to the artist who came up with a picture for this story, Big Friendly Ninja . The picture could not be used as the cover art for this story due to slight NSFW issues. It is linked in the author's notes section.