Everything Hates me: a Brony's Adventure

Chapter one, A Normal Lifestyle for me

“Oi wanker, get up!”

My wakeup call from my loving brother there. I murmur a muffled “Bugger off” into my covers and he rips the duvet off the bed.

“Come on, Dad wants you up now, you’ve already slept in too much” I groan and lift my face up out of my pillow. And look around.

“Is it past noon yet?” I ask, blearily rubbing my eyes.

“It’s eleven thirty”

“That means a good thirty more minutes in bed then” I say aloud and reach for my blanket again.

“Up” he says and dumps it on the floor “Now”

I finally get up grumbling about general rubbish and fall on my face. My leg had given out. “Ow”

My brother just laughs and goes off about his business. I had come to the conclusion that my body hated me long ago, and there was always something wrong. If I wasn’t ill, I was injured, and if I wasn’t either, it was a bloody miracle! I reach for the towel at the end of my bed. My own trusty towel. It was frayed at the edges and it was a sort of redy, pink colour, but it was a towel I managed to claim for my own since no one ever used it. I pull up the blinds and let the sun great me. “Another day” I say “Another kick to the balls from god” I was quite partial to taking old sayings and warping them into some daft depressing statement.

I walk downstairs in just my underpants and find dad trying that all important last level on one of his favourite games, Ace Combat 6, Wings of Gracemaria in the living room. He particularly liked flying games, but he also loved Halo to bits. He was just a big kid really. I continue my way to the downstairs bathroom where the shower was. Into the kitchen now and another familiar sight, Mum at the table with her MacBook working her way through more lyrics to a song she was working on over about five cups of tea. She had come from a musical background my. Her mum was a folk singer that travelled around with her family writing songs and playing them all the way. Through the little hallway we turned into a pantry and finally into the bathroom. I lock the door behind me, turn on the light which triggers the fan, and turn on the shower. I quickly throw my boxers into the dirty washing basket and hop in letting the hot water trickle down my body. I always preferred showers to baths, they were much faster and there wasn’t enough time in the day.

It only took me five minutes and I was back out again towelling off, and then heading back upstairs. Quick shave, deodorant, finish off with the hair dryer, and then go into my room to get dressed. I put on a cool new T-Shirt I just got with the Earth and the Galaxy on the front and a pair black jeans check my [REDACTED] review group, a stupid cunt that I call my friend sometimes, Hoe Joward’s his name, has posted loads of pony porn again. I hate him so much. I might just kick him from the group if this stuff gets any worse, he keeps coming back up with this idea that I am sexually attracted to a my little pony character called princess Luna. It’s true of course, but somehow him and that other prick, Pear we call him. Nicknames are so stupid sometimes. Anyway, these two worked out that I like luna and no matter how hard I try, they are convinced. It’s really annoying, if the wider world finds out I’ll look like a perve. But those socks... they’re so fucking sexy. I involuntarily drool slightly while fantasising about that beautiful, sexy pony. I hate the fact that it’s only a cartoon, she isn’t the only one I would shag. I’m going off on a tangent again, anyway, this douchebag Hoe apparently thinks like me, and he admits it. I don’t understand why or why everyone finds it so funny, I try so hard to cover up my fetish, they still detect it, Hoe pisses about and no one suspects him. ARGH! Why does the world want me dead?

After calming down I look on Facebook and [REDACTED] itself, then I was off. Out the door, and took a moment to appreciate the view. “I’ll never get tired of that view I say out loud. From here you could see a cove with a little village tucked in the side of the cliffs. There were a couple of woods also in view and the railway line. It had been raining recently so along with the seagulls messing around, there were waterfalls tumbling off the cliffs into the shining ocean. I sigh, one of the very few thinks at the moment that truly does make me happy is that view. Living in Hobin Roods Bay was certainly something when it was nice outside. Which trust me, isn’t usual… Bloody English weather.

Now off to see something else that would make me happy. My girlfriend. I spot my brother Gen come my way; he’d just finished walking the dog. I stood in front of him, teasing. Even though I was a two and a quarter years older than him, for four years we had been pretty much the same height. I had grown quite a bit now and I looked down at him “Midget” I joke with him, and he reaches to zap me in the ribs. I grab the offending arm and twist it behind his back. He laughs and I push him away. “Go on” I say and he transforms into a giant mutant bug beast, this happens a lot, so I ignore the abomination and stroll on by, cutting off one of it’s many limbs as I passed. That leg was Gen’s penis in his real form, but I never got to find that out and I munched contentedly on what I thought was a delicious raw bug limb, Eating penises is weird, but not if you don’t know you’re doing it. I grab my bike and free wheel down the hill that my house is on. A weeks half term holiday was definitely needed right now, however I was off to the south of France in three days, so I wouldn’t be here all week so I intended to make the best of it.

I get back around six after spending the day with Joanne. She was truly stunning. Black hair, green eyes, a sense of humour that was so close to mine it was almost uncanny.  For some reason she still won’t have sex with me. People don’t really turn me on any more, since I started watching mlp my mind always wanders over to Luna when I think about sex. Still, if we shagged it would still be nice, if nothing else I could pretend she was Luna. I mean don’t get me wrong this girl’s really attractive, I would enjoy sleeping with her even without fantasy, If only I could get her into some high socks. I find socks very sexy. She was great to be around with too, usually we meet up with Sparky and a couple of other non-brony friends and mess around in the park, drinking coke and telling stories of life playing silly buggers with us. Of course, they didn’t know I was a brony, and I didn’t intend to tell them either. The best story was always the one about sparky getting his nickname. His real name is Tom Jones, welsh singer would have been easier, but that was too obvious, so we needed a more obscure name that he had for no reason.

The perfect opportunity came when he was on holiday with me in Marrakech and we were sharing a room in the shabby hotel. It looked nothing like the publicity photos, paint was peeling from the walls and there were cockroaches all over the floor, there was a power junction box with exposed wires sticking out of it. We were boiling hot in the Saharan heat and decided to strip off in the bedroom, the smell of sweat and anticipation was in the air as we removed our sweaty clothes and threw them onto the bed. The feeling of homoerotica was everywhere and we wordlessly decided that it was as good a time as any to experiment with our sexuality, he pushed me down onto the bed and straddled me with his bare legs, it was quite arousing, but I’d never really liked lads. I stroked his face gently and said some suggestive, soothing words.

Suddenly, from the streets outside we heard the word “Pastilla!” We snapped our necks around and looked out of the window as various pastries thudded from the sky and slammed into the pavement, spreading fruity debris everywhere. We watched as a homeless man took a direct hit, the scene was horrifying, he got a piece of apple in his eye and the juices made his skin sticky and stained his clothes. “NOOOOO!” He shouted, falling to his knees, others running past, trying to save themselves from the edible onslaught and leaving the man with juice on his face.

The pastries stopped as suddenly as they had begun. A donkey arrived to carry the juicy man away to the asylum, the stickiness had driven him insane in seconds. My friend and I continued with the gay activities, he stood up next to the wall and I knelt down to waist level, as we were about to proceed, there was a boom in the distance as the local PowerStation was blown up by terrorists. The explosion caused a sudden electricity surge which shot into the broken junction box and electricity arced across to my friend’s dick, the skin was damaged and he had to be taken to hospital. While he was lying in bed with a rod up his urethra to stop the melted flesh from sealing itself, I leant down and said to him, “Sorry, homosexuality isn’t for me.” Before walking out of the door, causing his eye to spin once then stop dead.

He told the anecdote really well and if you didn’t witness it, you’d probably think it was bullshit, but by god was it funny. I made myself something to eat and went upstairs with it. Something nice and simple. I literally empty a small tin of sardines in spicy tomato sauce onto two small wraps and eat that. Bloody gorgeous. I smack my lips and put the plate on the floor while I turn on my computer and load [REDACTED] up again, read through a new story from an [REDACTED] author I quite like, then talk to my fellow brony friends on Skype. Only two of them are proper bronies, ones a complete psychopath who only introduced us all to My Little Pony because he likes to get people to do stuff and he’s an idiot who needs to obsess about something once in a while or he goes crazy. His name’s Hoe Joward, the one who pisses about and pretends to wank over ponies all the time. It really isn’t fair, I have a problem and he just pretends to have the same problem for fun, I don’t get it. The other once described himself as a nerd with a boner for adjectives and had earned himself the nickname “Pear” I’m not going to go into the reasons for that, but it did involve a pink condom and a fuckton of lizards. As a matter of fact, I don’t want to remind myself.

I told myself I shouldn’t cum because I was going to France and they said it wasn’t a problem. ‘Ahhhhhh’ I thought. ‘France. Peace in a beach villa for two weeks. I could definitely go for that’ I eventually got tired at eleven and decided to get some sleep. I didn’t get very much however, despite my vow not to ejaculate, I couldn’t help myself, Luna’s arse is so sexy, with those socks riding high up her legs, it never fails to give me a boner, and it just wouldn’t go away so I had no choice but to jizz all over my clean bedsheets, shouting out the princess’ name. I suddenly got all self-conscious and decided to clean up the mess that I – no, that luna had made. I eventually drifted into delicious dreams of that beautiful behind, until those two midgets came and started gang raping me, there was nothing I could do, their combined unicorn magic holding me down while I was being anally penetrated against my will. Suddenly another Princess Luna appeared and destroyed the rapists, she, along with the original luna, submitted to me and I had perfect sex with them both for the remainder of the dream.