Randomness

Part 6

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At Ponyville…

Rarity is sitting in her Boutique trying to keep her mind preoccupied with working on a commissioned outfit for Fancy Pants’ new line of clothes. He wanted something rustic to honor the rural communities of Equestria. Or so he says. The city ponies have taken a sudden fascination for rustic things, granted that she finds nothing wrong with it (she lives in a small town after all!) but it irks her to think that Fancy Pants is pretending to care about something he really doesn’t care about.

Rarity takes a small break to sip some tea and have a quick read of what the Canterlot Times have to say.

“The ‘3 Barns Up Charity Concert’ is suspected to be the largest charity event in Equestria history. Bringing together every major corporation and even getting funding from the Royal Family. Prince Blueblood is…” reads Rarity out loud

After seeing Prince Blueblood’s name appear, she gags and tosses the newspaper away. If there is any pony beyond redemption. it is him. If there is any pony Rarity hates with a burning passion, it is him. If Doctor Whooves was an actual time traveler, and not some pony obsessed with time and tea, then she would force him to force herself not to waste her time at the Gala with him. How that would work…she doesn’t know, but that is why there are plans! And that is why Rarity needs to get back to work because she’s becoming side tracked with frivolous matters.

“Back to work, Rarity” Rarity tells herself

Rarity goes back to her sewing and hums lightly to herself. But when she adds a pink strand to the outfit she’s working on, a sudden thought crosses her mind. What has happened to Pinkie Pie and E Gadd? She hoping that they are doing okay; E Gadd seems like a nice alien and Pinkie Pie...is just Pinkie Pie. She’s a sweetheart, just like all her friends.

“No! No time for distractions! Must work” says Rarity

Then she hears her Boutique door bell jingle, and she immediately stops working and a smile crosses her face. A customer just walked in! A customer means bits! Bits means she can finally pay her bills and replace the sewing machine that Sweetie Bell had covered in glue!

“Hello and welcome to the Carousel Boutique,” says Rarity happily “I am Rarity, what can Ieeeeee...it’s you”

Lock N. Key is standing in the middle of the boutique, looking like his usual emotionless self. Standing with him are a couple of unicorns, also looking comically stern.

“Rarity, I’m going to be very quick. Where is the alien” says Lock N. Key gruffly

“The-the alien? I have no idea what your talking about” says Rarity uneasily

“Do not lie to me. You already made a bad first impression in the forest, this is a chance to redeem yourself for your stupidity. Just tell me where it is and I’ll leave”

“But-but I-I...”

Lock N. Key nods towards the unicorns flanking him and they aim their horns at Rarity and next thing she knows, she’s paralyzed! She tries moving her legs, but it’s like they are encased in stone. She tries to use her magic to push Lock N. Key away when he walks towards her, but his horn glows and deflects Rarity’s spell. When their horns are dangerously close to touching Rarity’s ears droop, and she bites her lip while shaking and whimpering.

“This won’t take long” says Lock N. Key ominously

He tilts his head so that his horn is touching Rarity’s forehead and she feels a cold, liquidly feeling pierce her forehead and go straight into her brain. She cries out in pain and tries to pull away, but she can’t. She’s locked in place. However, within a matter of three seconds the horrible feeling ends and Lock N. Key pulls away with a satisfied smirk. The spell Rarity was under dissipates and she collapses on the floor, sweating from the pain she just endured.

“I’m glad you didn’t lie, Rarity” says Lock N. Key

“Get out” says Rarity through gritted teeth

“My pleasure”

Lock N. Key and his guards walk out of the Boutique, and now Rarity only has questions as to what happened. She gallops to the window and watches Lock N. Key stroll down the street with a clear mission in mind. When he’s out of sight, Rarity puts up the “Out for Lunch” sign and hurries over to Twilight. If anypony knows what Lock N. Key did to her, it’ll be Twilight.

Usually, a quick run to Twilight’s house wouldn’t be a big deal for Rarity, but with all the ponies in suits walking around (and looking like they are ready to murder anypony) it only made it her feel even more uneasy. When she reaches Twilight’s house she bursts in without knocking.

“Twilight, I need your help!” yells Rarity urgently

“What’s wrong, sugahcube?” asks Applejack while walking out of Twilight’s room

“I need to find...what are you doing here?”

Applejack rolls her eyes and stops at the bottom of the stairs.

“Well ‘Hello’ to you too” mutters Applejack

“Sorry, sorry, I just really need Twilight’s help. Where is she?” says Rarity

“Is this about a big stallion unicorn digging through yer brain?”

“Yes!...How did you know?”

“He did the same thing t’ Twi an’ Spike”

“Oh my goddess! Are you they okay? What about you?”

“Me? I’m fine. I guess bein’ the Element o’ Honesty has a ‘Get out of Interrogation Free’ Card”

Applejack chuckles at her horrible joke, while Rarity does not look amused. So Applejack explains to Rarity what happened. A pony named Agent Lock N. Key waltz into the library, demands to know where the alien is, goes after Twilight first, and then he does the spell on Spike, and when he goes after her (Applejack) all he does to her is ask her if she’s anything out of the ordinary. Applejack explains that she told them about how she (Rarity) and Spike went out for ice cream and Pinkie Pie took the alien, Professor E Gadd, away for something.

“I reckoned he went after you for more answers” says Applejack

“You told him about me and Spike!” says Rarity horrifyingly

“Yeah, remember last time I lied? I turned all gray and got all weird n’ lazy. I gained two pounds, Rarity! Two. Pounds. Just by bein’ a liar fer a day! I will not lie again!”

Rarity stares wide eyed at Applejack. The farming pony hardly ever has outbursts, but usually when she does, it’s for a good reason. However, she doesn’t know what she’s more concerned about. Applejack worrying that she’ll lose her colors if she lies, or the fact that she’s linked weight gain to lying. Granted, she’s glad that her friend wants to look good and stay in shape...but if lying is a cause for weight gain then the politicians at Canterlot would be obese. Then Rarity remembers that most politicians are, in fact, fat. Applejack might be onto something.

“Hey, Equestria to Rarity, ya there?” says Applejack while waving her hoof in front of the unicorn’s face

Rarity snaps out of her train of thoughts and smiles sheepishly at Applejack.

“Sorry, I guess I got a little distracted” says Rarity sheepishly “Where is Spike?”

“Eatin’ ice cream in his bed” replies Applejack

“Okay, and what about Twilight?”

“Eating ice cream in her bed”

“...Twilight’s eating ice cream?”

“In her bed. No spoon”

***

Twilight is licking the remains of the chocolate ice cream out of her bucket. Her face is smeared with melted ice cream. Spike, however, is still eating his tub of ice cream, and he can’t enjoy his ice cream because of two reasons.

Reason One: he has a brain freeze. Those are never fun, especially when one’s brain hurts in the first place because of a spell that dug through memories with extreme carelessness.

Reason Two: Twilight is acting drunk for some reason. And the last thing he wants, or needs, is for her to hiccup and teleport her way into the unknown again.

“An’-an ye know anothar thing” slurs Twilight

“What, Twilight” groans Spike

“Tha agunt Luck N. Duck stale-ee-un. Whut was hiz beef? Beef...cows...mooo”

Twilight laughs and falls off of her bed right as Rarity and Applejack walk walk in. When Rarity sees Twilight’s condition she casts a worrying glance at Applejack, and Applejack informs her she’s been like that ever since Lock N. Key did his spell.

“But what on Equestria is wrong with her?” asks Rarity “It looks like she’s drunk”

“Heeeeeeyah Raritchy how are you doin’?” asks Twilight

“...I don’t know” says Applejack to Rarity

Twilight sticks her muzzle in her tub of ice cream and desperately licks the interior. When she looks up, her mouth is stuck to it, and her idiotic laughter is muffled by it. Rarity cocks her head and looks at the ice cream container. Is says “Berry Punch Ice Cream: Chocolate Flavor” with a picture of Berry Punch (looking trashed), holding up a glass of wine and smiling.

Rarity scowls and uses her magic to yank the tub away from Twilight’s mouth. Then she turns it in her magical mist until she can read the ingredients. Twilight laughs again and jumps up and down on her bed while Applejack tries to get her to relax.

“Twi, ya need t’ relax. Ya got a baby in the room” says Applejack firmly

“Babies! I luv babeez! They are sooo cute” giggles Twilight

After getting to a certain ingredient, Rarity’s eyes widen and her jaw drops, followed by her dropping the empty ice cream container. Spike only shrugs at Rarity’s reaction and continues eating his ice cream.

“That’s a special brand of ice cream Twilight bought for herself” says Spike unenthusiastically

“Spike, why don’t you um go downstairs for a moment while me and Applejack have a uh a private conversation” says Rarity

Spike stares at Rarity for a few seconds before sighing and leaving the room while mumbling something unintelligible. Rarity watches Spike sit on one of the chairs and resume eating his ice cream before she turns to Applejack.

“Applejack, do you know what this is?” asks Rarity sternly while holding the tub up

“Yeah, alcohol ice cream. I got some- I mean I had some- in my fridge before I was kicked off mah farm”

“Twilight ate a whole tub of alcohol ice cream! And...wait, did you say that you were kicked off your farm?”

“Yeah, by those fancy government agents. But, Big Mac is headin’ to Canterlot to talk to Celestia about it. Apparently he’s smarter in the ways o’ government working than I am”

“But he’s so reserved!How can he-”

“Rarity, mah brother can handle himself...as for Twilight-”

Twilight makes a sickening, gurgling sound and they hear something splash on the floor. They both slowly turn around and sees Twilight swaying with a very ugly, liquidy splotch of vomit all over her bed and on the floor. Twilight giggles and says “Oops” and then falls over unconcious.

“Ah horseapples” groans Applejack

***

Lock N. Key tightens his magical grip on Pinkie Pie’s neck. She gags and gasps for breath, but Lock N. Key remains unmoved, and he actually looks bored at Pinkie Pie’s struggling. He has her at his mercy, behind a building in the outskirts of Ponyville, and his guards are making sure no pony is coming. When he tried to use his spell to figure out where the alien is, he felt like he was in a hangover and felt a seizure coming due to all the random crap floating around in her brain. He couldn’t even tell what was real or what was fiction in the Element of Laughter’s mind. So he reverted to old fashioned techniques.

“Hiding these creatures has severe consequences” says Lock N. Key severely

“I already know that, silly” Pinkie Pie says after gulping in air

“Then you agree that I can snap your neck and bury you in an unmarked grave because of your crimes against the State”

“You won’t kill me, you’re too nice”

“Now you’re the one being silly”

Lock N. Key’s eyes narrow and the grip around Pinkie Pie’s neck tightens and her eyes roll to the back of her head and her tongue lolls out. Lock N. Key stares at her limp body and smiles proudly at his achievement, and then he unceremoniously drops her to the ground. He goes to his guards to tell them that they’ll need to dispose of a body, and when he leads them back to Pinkie Pie, all they see is dirt where she was supposed to be.

BOOM!

Lock N. Key is flung off of his feet and crashes into the wall behind him. He slumps to the ground with confetti and other “party garbage” floating around him, leaving a spider web crack on the wall he hit, and then he groans and tries to get back up. While he’s on the ground, he hears a struggle that lasted only two seconds, then he gets a hoof to his side that knocks him belly, up and after that, he gets a very, very unpleasant crushing pain in his groin. His eyes almost pop out of his skull and his lips quiver and he whimpers while curling up. Pinkie Pie stands over him, her mane and tail are no longer looking like cotton candy, but are flat and hanging down loosely. And her eyes’ cheerful glint has been replaced by a cold sinister glare. Even her bright colors seemed to darken. Behind Pinkie Pie is her smoking Party Cannon, and his two guards, knocked unconscious and hog tied with ribbons.

Lock N. Key stares at Pinkie Pie with an intense level of fear he’d never thought he’d feel as she paces circles around him. And after circling his huddled figure a few times she kneels down so that their eyes meet. For Lock N. Key, he’s usually the one who towers above the pony with a cold, murderous glare while his victim is the one filled with fear. But not this time. This time the tables are turned.

“Mr. Lock N. Key, I know you and your agents think I’m an idiot just because I am ‘bubbly’, but you should really consider a few things” Pinkie Pie says eerily

Pinkie Pie lies down next to Lock N. Key and hugs his neck with one hoof and drags him closer to her.

“One, an idiot cannot build companies like mine. Two, an idiot cannot do the things I do. Three, an idiot cannot tell when she, or he, is being watched. And four, an idiot cannot tell when a foal, like you, wants to prove something to everypony all. Of. The. Time”

Pinkie Pie looks deep into Lock N. Key’s eyes. He gulps when he swears Pinkie Pie is staring deep into his soul, and probably burning parts of it away too.

“I know ponies like you, Lock Normal Key, you think you have something to prove to everypony; I’ve seen it before. I am a very forgiving pony, I’ve forgiven quite a few baddies over the years, and some of them got better, some got worse, but none of them ever messed with my friends again”

Pinkie Pie brings Lock N. Key’s face closer to hers, and her eyes narrow even more and she snarls like a rabid Timber Wolf.

“If you, or your buddies in suits, lay a hoof on any of my friends I swear to Celestia and Luna and Discord that I will personally hunt you down and make you rethink the definition of cupcakes. Are we clear?” concludes Pinkie Pie

Lock N. Key nods his head quickly.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” says Pinkie Pie as she puts her hoof to her ear and leans forward

Lock N. Key nods his head even faster, and Pinkie Pie sighs irritably.

“When I said ‘Are we clear?’ I meant I wanted a verbal answer, not a nod” Pinkie Pie says harshly

“We’re clear” yelps Lock N. Key

“Good, have a good day, Agent Lock N. Key”

Pinkie Pie grabs her Party Cannon and walks away with her nose in the air and when she’s around the corner, Lock N. Key remains curled up, he’s too frightened to move.

A few minutes later, Pinkie Pie walks into her home and heads straight into her bathroom. There she runs cold water and splashes her face. The ice cold water snaps her back into her reality, where she is a fun loving, joyful, random machine. Not Pinkmena Diane Pie; the pony she was before she discovered her cutie mark. Which, she admits, is a scary part of her. But it only comes out when she feels genuinely threatened or when her friends are in danger. Luckily she’s able to keep herself from doing something regrettable when she’s in that state.

Pinkie Pie splashes her face again and watches the water slither down her coat and drip back into the sink. Then she desperately runs her hooves through her mane to get it back to its puffy look, but it only becomes a tangled mess.

Music! She needs happy music!

Pinkie Pie pulls out a radio from under her bathroom sink and plays it at maximum volume. The whole house is filled with energetic, happy-go-lucky party music that brings a smile to her face. Her colors and puffiness also return in a brilliant flash of light. She squeals happily and bounces out of the bathroom and into the kitchen where E Gadd is, chowing down on a muffin.

“These muffins are really good” says E Gadd

“Thanks! I baked them myself!” chirps Pinkie Pie

E Gadd giggles and is about to take another bite, but his smile disappears in an instant when he looks at Pinkie Pie. He puts his muffin down and tenderly inspects her neck.

“Where did you get those bruises from?” asks E Gadd worryingly

“Oh those? The meanie who did that won’t do it anymore. He just had a bad day and I straightened him out. He’ll be okay. Speaking of straightened out we have to go straight to Canterlot to deliver a package to a special friend who I helped straighten out” says Pinkie Pie

“Who’s the friend?”

Pinkie Pie giggles and puts her hoof up to her mouth.

“Its a secret” whispers Pinkie Pie

“Ah, I see...” says E Gadd slowly “By the way, I still haven’t gotten in touch with my friends. And you still need help finding that thing in the forest”

“Oh relax, everyone will be in Canterlot in no time! And I have a very, very, very, very, very, very, very strong feeling that the monster is there also. Now I need to pack you up”

E Gadd does a double take.

“Pack up? What do you mean by...oh I see” says E Gadd with a stupid grin

Pinkie Pie smiles devilishly and also nods.

A couple of hours later, Pinkie Pie carries a large suitcase on her back with a smaller suitcase on the top to the train that is heading straight for Canterlot. The large suitcase has air holes drilled into it, and a tuft of gray hair is poking out of one of the holes. There are agents walking around the train station, but Pinkie Pie uses her amazing skill of disguise to appear as someone else. Not only has she attached very convincing wings to her sides, she also dyed her coat a neon green, and her mane a neon yellow, and had her fake cutie mark a light bulb that was painted on with neon paint. She is literally a walking glowing ball of colors, and nopony can look at her for long without wanting to puke. So she basically has a clear path to the train. When she reaches the stallion at the train, he does his best to shield his eyes as she hands him her ticket.

“Ms. Oak?” asks the stallion

“Nope, it’s pronounced Ms. Oh Sea,” corrects Pinkie Pie “Ms. Mary Sue Oh Sea”

“Yeah, whatever, get on the train. Your hurting my eyes”

“Thanks mister!”

When Pinkie Pie gets on the train, she stuffs the suitcase with E Gadd in it, in the luggage compartment and sits down, and then she pulls out a brochure and casually reads it while other ponies file in.

“Don’t worry, E Gadd, it won’t be long to Canterlot” whispers Pinkie Pie

“How long?” asks E Gadd quietly

“Five hours”

“...I should’ve used the bathroom before we left”

Before Pinkie Pie can respond, Big Mac takes a seat in front of her and stares out the window. Pinkie Pie really, really, really, wants to shout “Hello!” and glomp Big Mac. But she also wants to keep her disguise, which means she mustn’t say a word. However, Big Mac’s eyes shift to Pinkie Pie and flashes a small smirk before putting on sunglasses and looking out the window. A couple of minutes of awkward silence passes, and when the train leaves the station, Big Mac glances at Pinkie Pie and says “Nice disguise, Ms. Pie”.