Randomness

Part 5

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Rainbow Dash is zipping through the sky, leaving her trademark trail of rainbows and perfectly circular holes in the clouds. The sensation she’s feeling from the wind rushing past her ears is goddessly and brings an enormous smile to her face. This is one of those things where it seems nothing can go wrong!

But what’s this!?

An ancient temple surrounded by a rain forest comes into view with something very shiny at the top beckoning her to snatch it.Admittedly, the shiny object does have a drawing sensation to it. Maybe it’s because it’s shiny and she has yet to meet a pony that doesn’t like something shiny. Besides, if she can carry it back to Ponyville she’s sure Rarity can find a use for it, and maybe that will help make up for giving Scootaloo Pinkie Pie’s Uber Glue, which she used on Rarity’s sewing machine for a reason only Celestia knows.

She zooms to the top of the temple and sees the source of the glowing up close. It is a crystal. A crystal shaped perfectly like a pony skull with no signs of any tool marks on it whatsoever. And the crystal, in all it’s tool-mark-free glory and beauty, is in the shape of a pony skull. Rainbow Dash is mildly curious as to why it’s shaped that way, but she shrugs the thought away and reaches out to grab it, when suddenly-

“WAIT!” shouts a mare with an adventurous voice (and oddly, sounds like Rainbow Dash to a degree)

Rainbow Dash turns around with a “Huh?” and sees her idol, next to Soarin. The one. The only. The one and only Daring Do! Looking good as usual in her safari like outfit too. She would definitely turn lesbian for her, if she was real. But then again, the two pegasusi also share a strange resemblance to one another. Maybe it is a sign of some kind?

Rainbow Dash squeals like a fangirl and her eyes light up from pure, uncorrupted joy. She then claps her hooves together while squealing “Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmyosh”. Daring Do walks over to Rainbow Dash and points at the crystal skull thing.

“If you touch that crystal skull then the aliens will connect with your mind and you’ll go crazy from the sheer amount of knowledge they hold” warns Daring Do

“I am your biggest fan!” says Rainbow Dash gleefully while shaking Daring Do’s hoof at bone dislocating speeds

Daring Do’s hoof turns into a blur because of how fast it’s being shook, and when she manages to pull away her hoof still moves up and down. She actually has to use her other forehoof to keep it under control. After getting it under control, she then tries to massage her hoof, which got an odd feeling to it after getting shaken so hard.

“Did you even hear what I said?” asks Daring Do worryingly

“IlovehowyoualwaysbeatAhuitzolespeciallythatonetimeyoubeatAhuitzolbytrickinghimtodrinkfromtehwronggobletandheagedintoaskeletonandhediedafterturningtodustthhatwassoawesome!Ohmygosh!Areyoucomingoutwithanotheradventuresoon?”

Daring Do’s jaw drops and Rainbow Dash collapses on the ground, sweating and panting for breath. She never thought she would ever do something like that. But she did! And now she can tell everyone that she met Daring Do! The coolest pony ever!...Who just also happens to be a fictional character.

Rainbow Dash’s ears droop and she looks at Daring Do sadly with tears swelling up in her eyes. She always knew she was dreaming, but the emotional aspect of meeting her idol face to face in a dream rather than in real life didn’t quite catch up until now.

“Am I dreaming?” asks Rainbow Dash, completely crushed and knowing full well what the answer is

“Yeah” says Daring Do bluntly “Anyway, as I was saying before you nearly killed yourself by talking. The Dimensional Aliens use these skulls to communicate with us, and you cannot touch it! Nor can we let Agent Rush In get it! If we do, the Powers of Darkness will be unleashed with a sci-fi twist to it!”

Rainbow Dash sniffles and looks down, and Daring Do sighs and puts her hoof on Rainbow Dash’s shoulder sympathetically. An odd gesture for a mare who has more connection with her survival gear and dead historical figures than any other pony.

“Hi, Rainbow Dash, how are you feeling?” asks Daring Do in Fluttershy’s voice

Rainbow Dash’s eyes widen and she stammers “Wha-what the hay!”

“Oh, Rainbow Dash, were you dreaming? I’m sorry if I interrupted your dream”

“Fluttershy! Get out of my dream!”

Daring Do squeaks and attempts to shy behind her mane. Only, her mane is not like Fluttershy’s...until now. Her dark mane grows and curls like Fluttershy’s and gets a pink tint to it, as well as butterflies and animals sprouting out of the ground and hopping away with blissfully ignorant smiles.

“I-I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash. I-I’ll leave. Enjoy your dream” says Daring Do/Fluttershy

Daring Do/Fluttershy walks away, off the edge of the temple roof with her animals, and continues walking on thin air without flapping her wings!

WHAT THE BUCK!

Rainbow Dash squints while cocking her head quizzically. Then, there is a rumbling sound and the whole temple begins to shake and the crystal skull is lifted up by a magical force and a pixie dust like material swirls around it. Rainbow Dash covers her face with her wing and it forms to the creature in green that she had fought before being taken out. Only, this time he is a whole lot bigger and muscular than before, like a hundred feet taller, and his eyes are pure red and his mouth is spewing out fiery smoke, plus his skin is snaking with sickly green veins. Parts of the temple collapse under his weight and it has to hunch over on its hands and feet like a monkey in order to stay on.

“Rainbow Dash!” booms the creature while pointing down at her “I have come to eat your soul by the order of my master!”

Rainbow Dash’s nostrils flare and she flies up to meet the creature’s eyes and boxes the air in front of it.

“Ha! Jokes on you! Souls aren’t edible!” taunts Rainbow Dash “And I have Daring Do on my side! Right Daring Do”

Rainbow Dash looks behind her and sees Daring Do hogtied and gagged with Ahuitzol standing proudly above her. And all the animals look...evil. All of them are wearing Harth’s Warming Eve clothing, but have tattooed themselves with satanic symbols. And one of the critters, a chubby little bear, said something about a “blood orgy” later (Ewww). But the one thing that catches Rainbow Dash’s eyes the most is Ahuitzol. He was supposed to be turned to dust in the latest issue of Daring Do! How is that possible?

“How are you still alive!” demands Rainbow Dash while pointing at Ahuitzol

“Lord Evil Mushroom resurrected me with the power of the Dark Side of the Sun” replies Ahuitzol casually

“What! That-that doesn’t...WHAT!”

Then the blue mushroom thing that zapped Fluttershy walks out from behind Ahuitzol, laughing like a cheesy villain, and petting a white, flamboyant cat.

“I wouldn’t expect a simpleton like you to understand the power that the Darkness in the Sun possess. But, even if you and Daring Poo did know, there is no stopping me now!” says the mushroom thing

The villains laugh obnoxiously at the horrible “Daring Poo” joke, and Rainbow Dash rolls her eyes while mumbling “Lame”.

“Lord Evil Mushroom,” says the giant green creature “I have fused with the Crystal Skull. Shall we unleash the Demons of Tartarus to begin forth our invasion of randomness?”

“Yes! But first we need a sacrifice,” says Lord Evil Mushroom while looking at Rainbow Dash with a very odd look “A sacrifice that calls for a pretty mare with vibrant colors and is perfect in physical appearances as well as perfect in personality”

“We need the perfect mare” rumbles Ahuitzol

Rainbow Dash smirks, and casually inspects her hoof smugly as the sky darkens above her.

“Well I don’t like to brag, but I think I’m pretty awesome and good looking” boasts Rainbow Dash

The villains stare at her in total silence. Then they burst out laughing and Rainbow Dash looks at all of them while gritting her teeth.

“What! Am I not cool enough for you!” shouts Rainbow Dash

“Psh, no!” scoffs the Green Monster

“We already got the perfect mare” laughs Ahuitzol

“Yes! Bring forth Mary Sue!”

An eerie chanting echoes throughout the temple roof and Rainbow Dash flies up to the face of the Green Monster and tries a pitiful attempt at doing The Stare.

“Hey what gives!” demands Rainbow Dash “You were talking about eating my soul and all that other creepy stuff a minute ago, and now I’m not good enough for you?”

“Pretty much” replies the Green Monster

“You see, your character is too flawed for the epic battle between good and evil,” states Lord Evil Mushroom “you may be brave and colorful, but you are also reckless, have stage fright -loser-, a big showoff”

“No one likes a show off” adds Ahuitzol

“Oh you should talk” snaps Rainbow Dash

“Not to mention you have a fear of rejection, your confidence level is so poor you need a high ego to hide it, and to make things worse. You are obviously a lesbian” concludes Lord Evil Mushroom

“Now hold on just a second!” screams Rainbow Dash “First off! I was born like this! And just because I have a super awesome mane and tail that is the color of the rainbow, and am athletic, does not make me gay!”

Lord Evil Mushroom yawns and looks at a slowly approaching double file of ponies wearing dark cloaks that are walking up towards them with their captive; an alicorn so beautiful, her looks make Princess Celestia look like Twist. The Green Monster strokes his chin and looks at Ahuitztol, who just shrugs.

“Secondly!” continues Rainbow Dash as she gets in front of Ahuiztol’s face, making him flinch “There is a difference between showing off and practicing in front of a crowd! I admit, I get my heads in the clouds a bit-”

“But you live in a cloud” interrupts Ahuitzol

“Not what I meant! And-and, never mind! But you!”

Rainbow Dash zips in front of Lord Evil Mushroom, he doesn’t even flinch.

“You...youuuuu” says Rainbow Dash evilly “I betcha your just a scared little whimp who hides behind your big bad bodyguards. You are so-so hateful towards yourself and hate all your own flaws that you have  to manipulate others to make you feel good about yourself! So next time you spew about flaws, look at yourself first”

There is a moment of silence, followed by Lord Evil Mushroom’s chuckling, Ahuitzol’s snickering, and the Green Monster’s giggle. Those three slowly, but surely, evolve into full scale laughing fits that make them grow red in the faces and cry from laughter. While Rainbow Dash glares at each of them, she realizes that Daring Do has been replaced with somepony else that looks like a horrible stunt double.

‘Okay, this is getting too weird. I need to wake up now’ thinks Rainbow Dash ‘Now what was that thing that they were talking about in Ponyception? A Kick? Yes! I need a Kick!’

Rainbow Dash’s thoughts are interrupted when Lord Evil Mushroom puts his arm around her neck sympathetically.

“Well of course I’m a flawed loser, that’s why I’m sacrificing Mary Sue so that I can become perfect” says Lord Evil Mushroom

Rainbow Dash pulls away from Lord Evil Mushroom and stares at him with a whole new level of confusion.

“Wait, what!? What about that whole invasion of randomness or whatever that was?” says Rainbow Dash frantically

“Psh, screw that. I want to be perfect” says Lord Evil Mushroom

“This makes no sense! You’re jumping around too much!”

“Well duh, it’s a dream, ya dumb chicken-”

“Chicken?”

“It’s not supposed to make any sense”

“Chicken?”

“I mean it’s all based on memories of what we’ve read, seen-”

“Chicken!”

“Felt, and tasted, and experienced, so it will never make sense”

“CHICKEN!!!”

“Yeah, you are a chicken aren’t you?”

Rainbow Dash screams and tackles Lord Evil Mushroom. He shrieks like a terrified little girl (Rainbow Dash felt her eardrums pop because of the scream) and they both tumble over the edge of the temple, down towards a large “X” marked on a brick path.

And the Kick.

Comes.

NOW!

***

Canterlot Royal Hospital, Canterlot

Rainbow Dash wakes up on the floor of her hospital room with a killer headache and a vision full of white linoleum. When she pulls herself up with a groan, it takes a few seconds for her double vision to go away.

“Are you okay?” asks a voice so soft she can barely hear it

‘That has to be Fluttershy’ thinks Rainbow Dash

She looks behind her, and sure enough, Fluttershy is walking towards her with a newspaper clutched under her wing. Rainbow Dash inspects herself and finds that her beautifully colored mane and tail are ruined. The tips burnt off, and splitting at the ends, and most of the surviving hair have darkened from the fireblast. She never thought she would say this...but she needs Rarity right now to fix her hair.Then she looks at the rest of her body, she’s practically a mummy! Most of her torso is wrapped up, same with her legs, and her wings feel lighter than they should. When she checks her wings, she finds chicken wing stubs with very few feathers on them.

Now she wants to cry. She needs to cry. And cry she does.

Rainbow Dash crawls under her covers and sobs quietly. Her beautiful wings are gone. It will take a year minimum to get the feathers back to acceptable levels. And that is a year’s worth of training down the drain! And that translates to kissing her dreams with the Wonderbolts goodbye! A Celestia damned goat tragedy.

“Oh, is she finally awake?” says a mysterious mare

“Y-yes she is” stammers Fluttershy softly

“Excellent! She has a lot of mail that was dropped off by some nice stallions. Bring it in, girls”

“Oh...um I guess you can put it there...if that’s okay with you, I mean”

Rainbow Dash hears a box being pushed across the floor, and some ponies grunting and cursing under their breath. Then she feels a hoof prod against her spine and hears the mysterious mare try to communicate with her.

“Ms. Dash, this Dr. Pill, can you hear me?” asks the mare

“No” grumbles Rainbow Dash

“Okay”

Rainbow Dash hears Dr. Pill’s hoofsteps leave her bedside, and when she pokes her head out, she sees a mare with a white coat and blue and red mane, and a pill as a cutie mark, leave the room.

“What the hay was that?” says Rainbow Dash to herself

“She did that to me too” says Fluttershy

“What? Left you for being sarcastic?”

“No...she asked if I needed anything and I said I was alright, and then she said ‘Okay’ and left without saying anything else...She’s not pushy enough to be a doctor”

Rainbow Dash nods, and a moment of awkward silence passes between them before Rainbow Dash remembers hearing Fluttershy in her dream.

“So Fluttershy...did you talk to me when I was asleep?” asks Rainbow Dash

“I thought you were awake! Honest! I-I didn’t mean to interrupt your rest! I swear!” cries Fluttershy “But you were speaking so clearly that I thought you were reading something out loud!”

“What?”

“You were...narrating...like you were reading one of those weird fan fictions that um ponies send you...Will you really turn you know...lesbian for Daring Do?”

“If you tell anypony that, I’m going to tell everypony that you sleep naked”

As soon as she says that, Fluttershy gives her The Stare. Rainbow Dash feels all of the sins of her past surge up from her memory and overwhelm her senses with guilt and anguish. If she didn’t do something about that Stare then her eyes will melt out of her sockets in no time because of how hard she will cry. She laughs nervously as she taps her hooves together.

“You-you do know I’m kidding right?” says Rainbow Dash uneasily

“Oh...I’m sorry, did the...it just happens. I really have no control over it”

“It’s okay (I guess)...So *cmph* what’s in the newspaper?”

“Oh this?”

Fluttershy puts the newspaper on Rainbow Dash’s bed and goes on to give her bundles of fan mail.

“Key witnesses against the Flim Flam Brothers found dead in prison cell” reads Rainbow Dash out loud “Wow, that sucks. What’s in the movie section?”

Rainbow Dash flips it over to the entertainment section and skims through the movies being advertised.

“Explosions...Incarnation...The Journal...The Life and Times of Jelly Pony. Wow, none of these look good” says Rainbow Dash unenthusiastically

“I thought Explosions looked good” says Fluttershy

“The director only knows special effects. He wouldn’t know a good plot line or character development if it sawed off his tail and stuffed it up his nose”

“What about Incarnation? The director came out of hiatus to make it and had been working on the script for -gosh- ten years, I think?”

“It’ll be the most overrated movie of the summer. Probably of the year. Just watch”

“The Journal? It looks like it’ll be a great love story”

Rainbow Dash stares at Fluttershy with an expression that reminds them both of the musical number they did when they were looking for a pet for Rainbow Dash. (“Have you even met me?”)

“The Life and Times of Jelly Pony?” asks Fluttershy meekly

“It's from the director of Pony Burro and Southland Stories. Need I say more?” says Rainbow Dash while tossing the newspaper back to Fluttershy in disgust 'Finding a good modern movie, is like wining the town lottery'

Fluttershy comically catches the newspaper in her mouth like a dog and quickly spits it on the floor and rubs her hoof against her tongue. Newspaper paper does not taste good at all. However, while Fluttershy is trying to get the horrible taste of the scratchy and inky newspaper out of her mouth, Rainbow Dash reads through her fan mail.

“Dear Celestia, some ponies just can’t spell” says Rainbow Dash irritably “I mean, I like having fans and all, but -Oh dang it”

“What is it?” asks Fluttershy

“Another clopfic dedicated to me,” Rainbow Dash tosses the clopfic away “and another request to pose for Playcolt. Seriously, who do they take me for?”

“What about the other mail? Surely there is more than just...um...inappropriate materials”

“Well, I’m getting requests for what my next review for my ‘Mare With The Glasses’ show should be”

Fluttershy beams and flies next to Rainbow Dash, and leans uncomfortably close to her face. Rainbow Dash cringes and leans back slightly. As adorable as her smile is, it is still kind of creepy when it's that close, plus it's next to impossible to withstand her cuteness when she smiles.

“Which one are you going to do?” asks Fluttershy eagerly “Because I would recommend doing Dragon Park, or All Timber Wolves Go to Tartarus, or even The Very Long Story. I really love The Very Long Story”

“Fluttershy! Please...just please let me-Oh for the love of Celestia!”

“What is it?”

Rainbow Dash facehoofs and reluctantly shows Fluttershy a hoofdrawn picture while blushing furiously out of pure embarrassment and anger. Whoever drew the picture will rot in Tartarus for sure for that heinous, perverted picture! She’ll probably take a nice tour down there too for corrupting Fluttershy’s innocence.

Fluttershy stares at the picture for a few seconds before taking it away from Rainbow Dash, making Rainbow Dash question what she is going to do with it. She hopes that Fluttershy will shred it, or burn it, or even better, shred it and then burn it. But when Fluttershy says that she’s just going to throw it away in the recycling bin, Rainbow Dash sighs and accepts it as it is. At least the paper will be shredded into oblivion later.

However, while Rainbow Dash is distracted with reading other fan mail, Fluttershy’s eyes shift side to side nervously, and then she folds the picture up and hides it in her mane and briefly gets a devilish smile before casually trotting out of Rainbow Dash’s room.

She’ll definitely be looking at that picture later.