Snow was falling all over Equestria as Hearts Warming Eve began to draw near. Or it may have already been way past Hearts Warming Eve, I dunno. Point is, DMX found his way back into Equestria because nopony and nobody was going to get in the path of Dark Man X. After all, to do so would earn only a petty death as all he did was construct a fifty foot deep and twenty foot wide hole in the ground filled to the brim with dogs of all shapes and sizes. The largest ones were on the bottom and when hungry they need only look up and open their mouths to get a neat snackarooni.

Dog Master Extreme looked upon his creation as it came to its conclusion and nodded in appreciation. “That’s right my niggas, that’s what I’m talking about!” He knew that after the chaos settled the only dog left standing would be worthy of joining the Ruff Rydas, and he knew it would be a pit bull because only a pit bull could survive such an onslaught. I mean, sure, there was that gigantic wolf named Sif, or something dumb like that, but it wouldn’t stand a chance to sick pit-bull katas!

But his crime of constructing a massive dog pit where they may engage in only their nature of violence and fluffiness did not go unnoticed. He was assaulted from the side by a man wearing a welder’s mask and carrying a large gas tank on his back.

“DMX, you devil, I have found your evil and now I shall stop you before you can murder all these poor defenseless dogs!” And so the man pulled out a little husky puppy and held it by the scruff of its neck.

“Bark bark!” It yipped, translating into “I’m cute, love me!”

But DMX was not dissuaded. “Nigga, you trippin, that ain’t no fight dog!”

The man then waved a free finger and then pulled out a blow torch in his formerly free hand. “That is right, these dogs cannot defend themselves, but I can. So I am going to spot weld this puppy to your face! This will be the last festivus you have ever ruined, DMX!”

“Why nigga, why?”

“Because I’m the Dog Welder!” And so the Dog Welder jumped on DMX and he held the blow torch and the little husky puppy dangerously close to the face of one DMX.

DMX tried to fight him off but the light coming off of the blowtorch negated his innate ability to manifest the dark, as Dark Man X is known to do. This forced him to look around to try and find some other way of defending until he saw the ponies that banished him a while ago just a small distance away.

“Yo, bitch niggas, help!”

Rarity stood forth and spoke “No thank you darling, I’d prefer not to mess up my mane.” She accentuated her remark by poofing up her lovely styled aforementioned mane.

Applejack, meanwhile, shoved Rarity into some garbage and ran over to DMX. “Ah got ya, new Rarity!” At his side, she bucked Dog Welder straight off of DMX and right into the pit of dogs.

“No, not a pit full of dogs! My one weakness!” He shouted, trying desperately yet futilely to weld the faces of each dog to another dog, before getting just totally eaten alive.

DMX got back up like nothing ever happened, because basically nothing even did. People get jumped, it happens. He was still thankful and full of liquor and holiday spirit. “Yo, thanks my nigga.”

“Don’t mention it, partner. The moment I heard that voice, I knew you were new Rarity.”

“Ah shit, and you dat Applejack nigga!” Applejack and DMX then smacked hoof-to-hand and pulled it in, breaking it off before it turned weird.

And that was how DMX learned the true meaning of friendship and the spirit of the Hearts Warming Eve. One of these things may or may not be true.

Author's Note

Dog Welder is a legitimate superhero featured in the Hitman comic series.

Happy Holidays, ya'll!