My name is Deep Mist and this is my journal. I was given this by my therapist during my last session and she recommended I start filling it with my thoughts and feels, or about anything that comes to mind when I feel like writing.
Well, I guess right now I'm thinking about why I'm writing this at all.. I'm writing this because about three months ago I tried to kill myself. I had a plan and everything. I was going to freeze myself to death however far away from my mother's house I could make it. We had a bunch of woods behind our house and good amount property that went on for a few miles. Nopony would've been able to find me even if they followed the tracks I would've left in the snow and ice.
I almost did it. But I was able to stop myself from going through with it at the last possible minute. Something clicked inside my head that told me that I was wrong. I'm not even fully sure what it was... maybe doubt of myself. I don't know, it just felt like I had lost at the last thing I really had. I had lost my family, my joy, my everything really.. I refused to let my life just take the same course as that just like that.
So Monday rolled around soon enough... I had locked myself away all weekend. When I got to school, I did something really awkward for me. I went to the guidance counselor and told him I needed to prevent a suicide. It was mine of course... I told him how I felt and he sent me to my homeroom when the bell rung that school was officially starting.
It was pretty normal till about the 3rd class, my foreign language class. Which kinda sucked because I actually like that class.. I think speaking old Griffon is pretty cool. Anyway, I got dragged out of class and had to talk to some pony from the hospital up north a ways. She asked me a bunch of different questions trying to figure out was wrong with me. I answered as honestly as I could.
After that I had to talk to a few different people, my counselor, father and a couple others. That is until my mother had to pick me up and bring me to the hospital. I had to get blood tests and whatnot done for them to see if my depression was drug related, things like digesting Poison Joke. Well I came up clean of course, I had nothing to do with that kind of stuff.
Afterward, I was eventually transported to another, different type of hospital. A mental hospital where I would be spending the next week and a half in a psychiatric unit with some other ponies with other problems. Only one of them was my age when I entered. I was also the only one there for depression and suicidal reasons. It was actually really pleasant there after the first night. Because the first night was weird and I didn't understand at all what was happening.
They had a routine. Every morning, I'd wake up and get vitals taken. Have some breakfast and head to the room I was assigned to for about ten minutes. After that we'd have a community meeting followed with a nursing group. Basically we hung out and all did an activity together and then after split into groups and focused on things like coping skills, anger management and such. We'd have a small snack after that.
Then we'd follow up with another community meeting and then social work group. Those were a lot of fun personally. Instead of just repeating myself like a hundred times though, I'll just say we had 3 more groups after lunch in an allotted time in between free times and food.
I really enjoyed it there and made a really cool friend there. I'm not supposed to tell his name... Hell, not supposed to know it really...huh. Anyway, we became friends actually quite quickly compared to how long it normally takes me to befriend ponies. Even though I was there for a short time we had a lot of good laughs and fun times. Like trying to get all girls in Monopoly or Apples to Apples.
There was once we stole a Scrabble board too because we were bored of Candyland but they wouldn't let us switch out the games. He ran into the room with the games when one of the workers opened the door, snagged it and ran back. We hid it under the table till we knew it was safe.
It actually was a whole lot of fun there... that is until about the last couple days. My mother and father aren't really on good terms. At this rate, I'm not sure if I am with my mother either. That's not what bothered me, I knew the chance was there that she'd hate me for the action I took for myself. She showed up the day before I got released. It was the first time the doctors, nurses or anypony saw me get upset.
She said some things that really upset me, about me, my father and just general lies. But after all was said and done, I ended up with my father thankfully. I live with my father and stepmother now. I'd love to say everything is alright now.. but deep down they aren't.
I still feel lonely a lot of the time. I feel like I've forgotten who I really am. For about four years, I've dealt with on and off depression for quite a few reasons. I'm not gonna compare it to anything, because that'd be pointless to do. All I know is that it almost drove me to suicide.
I really don't understand why I feel this way at all. They love me here, I get a good amount of attention. Then I start thinking I'm just a spoiled brat, even though I really ask for nothing. I also think about who I was.
A while back, I was a no good pony. I stole, cheated, did bad things. I was with the wrong type of ponies to be around. If I continued to go down the path I was on, I'd definitely be able to say I've been restrained by the guards. I have almost multiple times. They probably have my name and cutie mark on file even though I never have been arrested. It honestly wouldn't surprise me... They have all my brother's.
But now I've changed, tried to be there, be the best pony everypony knew. My goals are really high, but I think I could do it. Firstly, I want to cause true happiness for somepony in my lifetime. It doesn't matter who really, but somepony... Secondly, I want to live my life and not die prematurely. One close call seems like enough to me. And finally, I want to find somepony who no matter what happens, till the end they'll love me. All these goals are seemingly impossible, but... I really want to achieve them. Afterward, I could die happily.
I think I'm done writing for now, I wrote what seems to be a good enough amount for one entry. Heh, back to homework I guess..
Entry 2: At mother's house
Okay, right now I'm visiting my mother's house. Literally I want to just destroy everything here. Being here upsets me.
Let me explain a little bit. I got here yesterday because my mother wanted to spend time with me. It's the middle of Luna's night right now and I've seen her once. Not that I'm surprised about that fact. I knew when I left my Dad's house that nothing would be different. That I'd just be coped up in a room again...
Here I am, sitting in the same bed I was when I decided to kill myself. The blood is still dried in it, I doubt they even noticed. Not exactly like I expected them to, especially not my mother. I swear sometimes she just uses me.
She just uses me to get at my father. She claims I owe her this, that I don't have a right not to come. No offense, but the only thing I owe to her is my life and right now she could take it back and I wouldn't care. She doesn't love me like she says she does. All she's ever done is lie to me. The proof is in the things she does.
When I went to the mental hospital, she learned where I put a majority of my blame for suicide. She then instantly turned it on me. Like it was all my fault. She lied to my face even when I knew the truth. She kept doing that all the way through the visit in the hospital.
She doesn't love me. She acts like she did so much for me. 'Yeah, you really did. You helped me soooo much. Because I didn't make choices on my own to be the best I can be. No no, that was all you mother...' I hate how she can think that. That I owe her a 'thank you' or something.
I know she's my mother, and she's been better than some others but I don't owe her anything. It was her own fault I exist. I got to where I am by myself. I earned the A's, I made the chances, I saw everything that happened...
Even writing this doesn't help the feeling to just smash everything into little tiny pieces. I understand that won't help a thing, but it'll feel good for a moment or so. Then I'd probably just break down and cry for a bit. I mean, that's what I would do here when I lived here. Well, not destroyed things physically but mostly my mental self.
Wow, rereading that makes me sound extremely weird. I know exactly what I did to myself. It's literally no different from what I'm doing right now. I know what I'm doing, but I can't help it. When you've been alone almost 24/7 for two years, you get a lot of time to just think and figure things out.
I wonder if I had left when my Dad did all that time ago, if I'd be so depressed. If I had to fight the lonely feeling... Ow...
Let me stop and process how much pain I'm suddenly feeling. I know I shouldn't be writing and dealing with it instead. I can't move or it hurts. Like, it feels like I'm having a mini-heart attack. I'm making my breath shallow or everything burns. I should probably tell somepony here, but not like they'd do anything. I just
Every time this happens, I ask myself if I'm going to die. One day, I'm worried if these will get bad enough to stop my heart from pumping blood or something. Things like this happened all the time when I lived here. It's no surprise that it happened honestly. It just hurts a lot.
I know I dropped a thought, but I still am hurting so I think I'ma cut this entry here and go lay down now. Not like there's anything better to do..