Kindled Change

Chapter 3: Alone

I follow the sounds, the sights, the smells. I follow the colorful birds in hope that they'll take me away, take me somewhere. Wherever that is, as long as I am lost within these wonders. I am lost, that is true. Yet, it is a good feeling. Of being lost. Where there is such freedom, such joys. So many wonders to behold. Rough patterns in the bark of the trees, the gentle swing of the grass and leaves, the low and distant hum of many birds, the feel of the wet dirt and the prickles of the dew. This joy is delightful, a brand new discovery at every corner, at every turn of the trees or the simplest rocks. It is all so magnificent, my only fear is that I may never have the right word for the beauty of this world.

I rush to a nearby river, the water slowly sliding through the cracks of mossy rocks. It is shallow enough to reflect my vision. I place my countenance within the water, feeling its cool embrace. Holding onto my breath, I open my eyes to see a true wonder. Small spheres with a strange blue glow to them sat at the river's bed. A small fish circled around them and began to pour mud onto them. Almost like a protective blanket. The spheres were eggs. This gave me a warm feeling. It is nice... something like that is.

Soon I realize the birds are gone, gone to their homes, the skies vacant. Yet still the chirping goes on, the melody of hearts. I caught sight of a nest looking up to the trees. My vision impaired but spotted a bright red bird chirping in content. The nest is too high and I can only see down to the bird's beak before being interrupted by the nest.

I want to see. But how? I look around, trying to find some way to be able to get up there, or close enough to see. A thought appears in my head. I have wings, like birds do. Not bird wings, but wings all the same. Perhaps I too can fly and I too can see what the bird sees... There has been no place to use them in the darkness, so I haven't for such a long time. Though, now is no better a time. I am afraid though. I'm not sure if I can use them. I can still control what they do, but I don't know how to fly... I don't know how to move my wings or how to land... Still, that can't get me down. I try to flap them, unsure of how to use them. It does not work. I try harder and still I do not budge. I think I'm too heavy... I try and try but to no avail, and now I am exhausted for my efforts.

Sad tears are rolling down my cheeks. Why? It isn't that bad... I mean, I wanted to see but if I can't then its okay too right? I'm not sure... It isn't that sad... well, I mean... a little. Not sure. I'm not sure. I really want to see... something about it... something...

My eyes shift towards the trees. A thought appears in my head. I might not be able to fly, but I can climb a tree. It is difficult at first. It is hard holding onto the branches, only then do I realize that I'm tired. Tired. I feel drowsy, I feel... tired... but I climb, doing my best to hold on. I want to see that bird. I want to see... well... I'm not sure what I want to see, but I can feel it. It is strange, I cannot say in words what I feel, but I feel something... I think that is what I want to see.

I keep slipping off the bark at times. It hurts as I scrape against it, but the pain is meaningless. It isn't like the other pain... this pain is more... alive. I don't know if I should even call it pain. It isn't that it feels good, I mean... it stings and it hurts, but this pain is something more, something natural. It almost brings me joy, not sure why. Maybe because I can feel it... The pain is neither a good or bad thing. Now that I look around, the storm, the birds, all of this... none if it is truly good or bad... it just... is.

I'm on a tree different from the bird, though it isn't far. I don't want to disturb the bird, so I want to keep my distance. I grab onto the highest branch though it is difficult to push myself up on it. I'm tired, and I'm too weak. I am left dangling on it by my two front forelegs. Well... at least it was high enough. Now I can see the full bird. It is different from the small red patch on its head that I caught in my eye from the ground below. The beak is a light orange while the feathers are bright red. The end of its wing and tail is the same light orange. So... majestic. Like... like a fire.

Something else surprises me. Another bird curled up into the shape of the nest held its wings into the middle. This bird had pink to it on its back and beak. They have a sort of... glow to them. A magnificent and majestic glow. I forget of my weariness and stare in wonder. The rain begins to fade. The pinkish bird lifts up its wing and reveals three very small birds alike to it. The two bigger birds begin to nuzzle them. This feeling...

Suddenly, the two bigger birds take flight into the air. Where are they going? Why are they leaving behind the three small birds? And then I see it, the fledglings jumping off their nests to plummet down . A panic arises in me. If it falls... No!

Then, the small bird surprises me. It begins to fly. Struggling but getting the hang of it and finally following after the two bigger birds.The other two jump off one by one and they all finally catch up to the two bigger birds and out of sight above the treeline. This feeling... it is so warm... My thoughts are filled with small birds. They were so little, their wings look so fragile yet... they flew...

My mind is filled with small birds and flying, and before I have the chance to think it through, I let go of the branch. I feel myself falling, I feel myself trying. I flap my wings as hard as possible... but... I land with a large thud onto the soft ground. It hurts, but only a little. My eyes are still closed, and I'm still beating my wings. I am lying back first onto the ground, and I open my eyes to see the cloudy sky, the dark clouds with a beautiful silver lining, sunshine streaming out through the gaps become larger as the clouds gently begin to sway in the air again, going the direction of the wind.

A smile races across my face. I am not disappointed. I couldn't be. With such beauty around me... I think I want to remain lost... The sun smiles at me. In my memories, I am afraid. Afraid of this sun. Words were whispered of vile things of it. And I believed... And now I know it was a lie. It is near to setting now. Already going into twilight. It is beautiful. A soft and warm golden light begins to blanket the land. The birds are chirping, endlessly content. The river filled with colorful fish. Woodland creatures from rabbits to squirrels playing in the sun content. This feeling... Every creature has someone to them... To play with... to be with... to l-

"Nooooooooo!!!

That horrible scream fills the valley with its vileness. Fear, fear unlike anything I've felt before rushes to me. I shut my eyes in fear, placing my forelegs above my head. My body begins to tremble. That scream... it sticks in the air like a horrid looming memory... I want to run... I want it to go away... I'm in panic... I can't...

All goes completely silent. My eyes are still shut... I still tremble at the thoughts, the memories that consume me... The only sound that remains is the rushing of water. I opened my eyes again slowly, carefully trying to make sure of things...

All the birds are gone... the fish have swam away... the woodland creatures had gone back to the safety of their homes... They must have been scared off... My mind is racing with vile thoughts, and I'm trying my best to avoid them. I walk over to the river and dip my face into it again. It is smooth. The sun is now setting, and the horizon is but a gentle orange edge, the edge of the world...

The only sounds is the rushing of water and the passing wind through the leaves. Though they are beautiful in their own merits, they lack something... that warm feeling... All the creatures left and took that feeling with them... It wasn't to say that the land didn't have feelings of it's own. The world hummed lovely unspoken words, a beautiful melody... but now... that melody turned from a cheery tune to a song of melancholy. The trees... the river... the land itself felt so... lonely.

It is then that I begin to feel something... a sort of pain. My body begins to hurt... my chest heaves with the pain. It isn't that bad though. I feel... lost. Not the kind of lost that I was willing to be in from before, but... lost. There is not a soul in sight... I am alone... I begin to walk down the river's side. Wherever the animals have all gone... I... I... I don't want to be alone... I'm hoping that I will find them again. I am tired now... so very tired...

The moon now showers the land with it's silver light. The air is cool and calming... It is beautiful... so beautiful... I could sit here and stare at the moon all night. This night floods me with memories... Beautiful memories... Tears begin to swell my eyes again, yet... these tears are different. They are full of joy, of happiness. Though, there is a hint of sadness... of grief... I do not know what to feel of these bittersweet tears...

The night distracts me of my exhaustion... of my memories... the stars all so wonderful. The night is so beautiful... I feel like... I feel like sleeping, but I do not want to miss any of the night... of my first night in a long time... I cannot sleep. Though... as beautiful as it all is... it is a lonely night...

I keep walking down the river, looking at the stars. So many of them, so many wondrous patterns, shapes... They are so bright. It brings joy to me once again. The river is glowing with silver light. The moon reflecting off the edge. It is... amazing. I still cannot find the words for it. Still... it is a spectacle to behold... I pause to cause ripples on the surface of the river. The water gently sways, causing the light to sparkle. It is truly... just... beautiful. If I could describe everything... beautiful would be as close as it would get, but even that lacks what the world truly is...

The more I walk... the more tired I get... I don't want to go to sleep... The moon is more than half way across the sky already... A familiar orange glow begins to fill the sky once again... I am tired... I don't know if I can carry on. My eyes are heavy. The pain from before begins again. I'm not entirely sure what this is... this pain... it doesn't hurt me much... yet it is an uneasy feeling. It becomes larger and larger as the time passes by. I cannot think straight with the pain now consuming my entire body. I'm struggling to keep my balance as I walk. I'm tired... my eyes threaten to close. I don't know how long I can keep this up... but I... I don't want to be alone... I have to find the animals... I... I want to sleep under that feeling... of warmth... I don't want to be alone...

But I am. Ever since that... sound... I have been alone. Not a soul has appeared since. I am tired. I feel like collapsing. There is a strange color. A strange figure. A warmth emanates from it. It keeps me moving forward. It keeps me from giving up. To lay down... and sleep. Though I am unsure, even with this figure, the pain, the exhaustion... it has all grown too large for me... The figure is still far away. A small blurred dot. My vision is failing me now. Fear begins to fill me. Am I to become blind once more? I am scared of falling asleep. I am scared to be alone. I am afraid... tears roll down my numbed cheeks. Their warmth piercing through the exhaustion.

I can't carry on. I collapse to the floor, unable to move my body. My eyes refuse to open, and I am slipping, slipping into the darkness. I am afraid now. I'm afraid... darkness begins to consume me again. I am afraid... afraid of this darkness... Please...

Sleep now, my dear.

That voice... a strange warmth wraps around me... the darkness is all around me now... I... I am afraid... to be... alone.