Guards and Monsters

After that, the four of us slipped into a routine. We’d awake midday, and have some free time to relax or explore Canterlot in our usual bodies, while Luna attended to her Princessly duties, and then after moonrise, we’d suit up and gather out in the yard for another night of training, finished off by a fight to the death. I managed to ‘win’, once, and got to face off against Luna. That was a really short fight.

I heard later that actual Royal Guards train for about six months before they graduate and get sent on assignment, assuming they don’t wash out. Luna took us out on our first mission after a week.

Spike still hadn’t returned, so it was just the four of us, lined up ready to start the night’s training, only for Luna to conjure up a Flashback Window instead. It showed a small group of diamond dogs, gathered around a fire, gnawing on a denuded carcass. The carcass of a pony. Or maybe a sheep or goat or a baby cow or something, but it was a pony-shaped animal about pony size.

Okay, spoiler alert – it was a pony. And not the first one they’d eaten.

“This tribe of diamond dogs has been causing trouble for weeks in the northern plains,” Luna explained. “Gems have been stolen. Houses, burned. Ponies have gone ‘missing’.” I winced as I watched one of the dogs crack open a bone to get at the marrow. “Tomorrow, Princess Celestia intends to lead a detachment of the Royal Guard to chase them out of Equestrian territory. For crimes such as theirs, she sentences them to banishment.”

“Well, good,” Diamond Tiara said from her place next to me. She was still ‘recruit four’, even with one and two missing. “They deserve it.”

“They deserve far worse!” Luna proclaimed, rearing up and stomping her forehooves. “And you will give them exactly what they deserve. When the Royal Guard arrives, they will find nothing but corpses!”

I glanced down the line at ‘recruit six’, who glanced back at me, and shrugged. “Yeah, okay,” I said. “I can’t argue that they deserve it. Do you really think we’re ready?”

“You will not be sent into battle unprepared,” Luna replied, striking a pose as her horn glowed, the glow flowing over each of us, snapping into a skin-tight forcefield. “Their claws will not penetrate that shield, although you should still strive to catch them on your armor. I also have gifts, for each of you.”

She started at the far end of the line, attaching a set of matte black claws to Bon Bon’s hooves. “Candy Pony, for you I have a set of admantium claws. They will cut through anything, even a dragon’s hide.”

“So don’t use them on Spike,” I added.

Luna ignored me, and moved on to Pipsqueak. “To my first and most loyal follower, the wingblades of Hurricane’s legion. Ever –sharp, and as unbreakable as your loyalty.”

“Thank you, Princess!” Pip said, with the wing-salute Luna had drilled us on after getting tired of seeing us try to salute with our hooves, like the Royal Guard. “I’ll put them to good use!”

“I know,” she replied, and moved on to Diamond Tiara. Instead of a replacement for her favored wing blades, she handed her a small sheath, for a mouth-wielded sword. “You cannot always count on the enemy being kind enough to slice off your wings, so for you, a blade.” Luna strapped the hilt to the bat pony’s side, and DeeTee leaned down and drew the sword. It was short, and curved – a falchion, I think? It was also translucent, and gave off a faint blue glow. “Made from thunderclouds in the ancient Sky Forge, before it was destroyed by the dragons. The slightest touch will send lightning through your enemy’s body, paralyzing them.” She frowned a bit at Tiara’s grip. “You will need to learn to use it properly, but your natural talent is undeniable.”

“Wow,” Pip said, looking envious. “Can I have one of those?”

“No,” Luna replied. “I was able to remove one from the armory without comment, but taking several would arouse suspicion. Thus, from my own collection…” she stood before me, and passed me an evil spear.

Seriously, it was the evilest spear I’d ever seen. The haft was wrapped in a dull black material that felt almost like skin, and the point of the spear was made out of chipped bone. It glowed, but not the pure blue of the sword. It glowed… green? Purple? Black? It glowed a color that was green and purple and black all at once, and above all, evil.

“It was once wielded by Scorpan himself, before Star Swirl convinced him to turn to the path of harmony. It will drain the magic from anypony you strike with it. Its name is Cutie Breaker.”

“It’s whispering,” I said, quietly, as I held the spear in my forehooves. “In my head. Can you make it stop?” The whispering continued, just faint enough that I couldn’t make out any real words, just hints that made my skin crawl. “Better yet, can I just use a normal spear?”

“THOU WOULDST SPURN A GIFT GIVEN TO THEE BY THY PRINCESS?” Luna shouted, right in my face.

Did I mention that bat ponies have really sensitive ears? After mine stopped ringing, I tried to force myself to meet Luna’s gaze, but I couldn’t do it. Staring off to the side, ears folded flat, I asked, “I just mean… aren’t we supposed to be the good guys?”

Luna laughed. “Good is for the Royal Guard,” she said, pacing back and forth before us, no longer focusing on me in particular. “Good is for the Elements of Harmony. We,” she turned to face us, and spread her wings, “are justice. Go, my Night Guard. Dispense justice in my name!”

===

Fly my little ponies, fly!
Into the dark of the night!
Where creatures await
Their oncoming fate
La la la la something about dying…

Somepony batted me in the face with a wing. “Hey! I’m trying to make this up on the spot. I’m not a miracle worker, you know.” I’m not sure they heard me – the wind was pretty loud.

But I had to sing something, to drown out the voices. I couldn’t really make out what they were saying, but I was pretty sure they kept saying ‘Tirek’. I hummed a wordless tune a little louder.

“Can you please SHUT UP!” screeched Diamond Tiara, suddenly whirling to face me, forcing me to backpedal to avoid stabbing her with the evil spear of evilness. “We’re supposed to be sneaking! Can you try to be quiet?”

I blinked. “We’re supposed to be sneaking?” I laughed. “Wow, did Luna pick the wrong mare.”

“She didn’t say anything about sneaking,” Bon Bon said. She and Pip had joined the hover party.

“She didn’t have to,” Diamond Tiara said with a scowl. “We’re ninjas. Ninjas sneak. Now follow me in, and be QUIET!”

So we swooped down on the flickering firelight of the Diamond Dogs’ camp, quiet as a mouse. A mouse that was whistling ‘Charge of the Valkyries’. Quietly. Unfortunately, it turned out that Diamond Dogs have really good hearing, and the cave was empty by the time we reached it, with fresh holes in the walls and floors where the dogs had made their escape.

Well, not totally empty. There was the half-eaten dead unicorn. I wasn’t really an expert in dead bodies – we didn’t leave any ourselves, remember – but it didn’t look like she’d been dead for very long. Probably not as long as she’d been half-eaten. I prodded her with the butt end of my spear, just in case, but she didn’t move. “So much for a rescue.”

Diamond Taira snarled, and stomped around the cave. “Great. This is just perfect!” She slammed her hooves into one of the filled-in tunnels. “Our first mission, and LIAR ruins it!”

Claws burst from the ground, digging into her sides, pinning her wings – they probably would have slit the membranes if it wasn’t for the forcefield. DeeTee just stood there, looking shocked, even when they started to pull her down into the ground, so I poked one of the arms with Cutie Breaker.

There was a weird ghosty fwoosh, and Diamond Tiara stopped sinking. After a second, the claws released her, but still couldn’t pull back into the ground. After another second or two, they started thrashing around, as much as they could without the elbow exposed. Diamond Tiara, who’d recovered her composure after gaining a few feet of separation from the floor, drew her sword in her mouth, and swooped past, slicing both arms off at the wrists. Blood fountained into the air – getting weaker and weaker until it was nothing more than a dribble, and then nothing. Just two sliced up pieces of meat rising from a puddle of blood.

“Urrrgh!” Diamond Tiara screamed, hovering in midair and whirling around to look for any other diamond dogs. “This is all your fault, LIAR! The murderers got away and I’m completely covered in –“ she paused to give a little mid-air shiver “—dog blood!”

“You’re welcome,” I said. “For saving your life, and stuff.”

She rolled her eyes. “We can’t die, stupid,” she said, flying over and shoving me. “Maybe if you’d let them kidnap me, we could have finished the stupid mission. Stupid!” She shoved me again, and I cringed a bit, because she had a point. That said, it was obvious that she’d pulled it out of her tail-hole about two seconds ago. But far be it from me to stop someone for taking credit for something they thought up on the spur of the moment!

Bonnie, on the other three hooves, really doesn’t appreciate it when ponies try to bully me, and leapt at her. The two of them hit the ground, flailing and pounding on each others’ armor, since DeeTee didn’t know how to use her sword in close combat, and Bon Bon was sticking to flat-hoof strikes instead of using her claws.

That’s when the rest of the dogs attacked.

Have you ever seen a Flashback Window of the battle of the Elements of Harmony against the Changeling Swarm? Six mares, surrounded by dozens of enemies, kicking total butt thanks to their well-practiced fighting skills and the enemies all being approximately two weeks old.

It was sort of like that, except that the outnumbered side was also the side that had no idea what they were doing. The dogs punched us, and clawed at us, and picked us up and threw us, slammed us into each other, bit us, and tried to twist our limbs all out of joint. We barely had time to take a swipe here and there between blows and throws and tackles.

But, well, here’s the thing. None of that really hurt. Most of our bodies were covered in surprisingly tough armor, and the rest was protected by an alicorn-level force field. They made a few attempts to disarm us, but Tiara’s sword was all lightning and sharp edges, Pip and Bonnie had weapons that were firmly attached with straps and clasps and things, and Cutie Breaker objected to anypony but me touching it – after the first dog saw his claw wither to uselessness, they stopped trying to grab it.

So the dogs were hitting us and hitting us and beating us and kicking us while we were down, but accomplishing buck-all, and meanwhile… we had time to take a swipe here and there.

Cutie Breaker weakened any dog it so much as touched, and I was flailing around with it like my life depended on it! Which it totally didn’t, but I wasn’t really thinking about that at the time. I don’t think I ever got in a solid strike, but any dog that blocked the nasty thing got its magic stolen. Pretty soon, that was all of them.

Tiara’s sword didn’t do much to the diamond dogs at first, but once they were drained of magic they lost a lot of their crazy strength and toughness, and its little lightning bolts started to sting. Not to mention, between the sword, Bonnie’s claws, and Pip and Tiara’s wing blades, the dogs were all cut up, after a while, and losing enough blood eventually slows you down.

One of them decided it was time to bug out, but without his magic he couldn’t dig, and it left him open. I leapt at him with my spear – but a dog grabbed my rear ankles and used me as a bludgeon to smack Bonnie and Pip across the room. So, Diamond Tiara got that kill, her sword sizzling as it plunged into his back. I don’t know if she hit any particularly vital area, but the dog shuddered and shook as the lightning coursed through him, and when his fur started to blacken, she pulled her sword back, and the body that hit the ground was… not alive. It was smoking, and both his eyes were blackened pits.

Sadly, this made several other dogs try to dig their way out of the cave. Sadly for them. Sadly for the rest, since without quite as much of a disadvantage in numbers, we started being able to actually fight back.

The last three dogs tried to run, out of the cave, along the surface. That was a mistake. We could still fly faster than a magic-drained diamond dog could run, despite the beating we’d taken. We could see in the dark as easily as most ponies could see in the day, so we weren’t going to lose them. And we’d all spent the last week doing drills, one of which was ‘running down a fleeing enemy’. DeeTee and Bonnie did textbook take-downs on the two flankers, and Pipsqueak… well, after hamstringing all four legs, let’s just say he made the last one scream for a while, until I started to get bored and put it out of its misery.

“Can we go home now?” I said, breathing heavily. Even when your enemies can’t actually hurt you, fighting is exhausting.

“No way,” Pip said. “We killed the monsters, now we get to go count our loot!”

“So we’re playing Ogres and Oubliettes now?” I asked, rolling my eyes.

“We kind of are,” Bon Bon said. “Luna’s version of it anyway.”

“Diamond Dogs collect gems, right?” Diamond Tiara asked, with a grin.

So we headed back to the cave, and sure enough there was a small stash of diamonds and stuff off in a corner, hidden under a heap of gnawed pony bones. Creatures sometimes have weird ideas about how squeamish ponies are. Did they really think we weren’t going to search there? I guess it’s possible they just thought it would make a lot of noise if a thief tried to sneak in and search it.

Pip tried searching through the belly of one of the diamond dogs to see if there were any gems in its stomach. One. We made him stop after one, because of the stench. He didn’t argue.

I wrinkled my nose. “And I thought they smelled bad on the –“

“Don’t,” Bon Bon said, putting a hoof on my muzzle. “This isn’t the time for jokes.”

“It isn’t?” I looked around, and there weren’t any threats. All the diamond dogs were lying dead around us, or dead out in the field, and I was getting a bit giddy from excitement and relief. I started giggling, and for once the evil spear felt just the same as I did, because it was giggling right along with me.

“We just killed a dozen people. That’s not something we should laugh about.”

“They weren’t people,” Diamond Tiara said. “They were diamond dogs.”

“Still people,” Bon Bon said. “Bad people, but you can’t just kill them and feel nothing.”

“I feel…” I said, grinning widely, “I feel like I want to dance. Is that wrong?” Bon Bon stared at me, those slitted yellow bat eyes glaring into my soul. “Want to dance?” I asked her, offering her a hoof, while clutching Cutie Breaker with my other foreleg.

Before she could tell me to grow up and hit me, Pip called from the back of the cave, where he’d found a little alcove that turned out to be a large enough room for him to vanish into. “Hey girls, I found some more!”

What he’d found was the diamond dogs’ civilians.

Turning the corner to join him put us in a kitchen of horrors, with a giant spit roaster with one of the dead unicorn’s missing legs on the spit. There was a drying rack where the hides of at least three ponies were stretched out and being prepared. There was a table, where someone was stuffing… stuff into what looked like they might have been intestines? I don’t know – carnivore food is weird and gross. And there at the back of the room were a pair of cooks, wearing very colorful aprons. With cutie marks. They were standing between Pipsqueak and a dozen diamond dog pups of various ages, and trying to surrender.

One of them wailed, “We no eat ponies no more! We leave and go home! Never return!”

“Murdering scum like you doesn’t get to just go home and be forgiven,” Pipsqueak said, flicking his wings at them and making them cower back farther.

“Never murder any pony! Not hunters!” the other one tried to explain.

“Are you sure you need our help?” I asked, leaning on Cutie Breaker to let my wings get some rest. “They don’t look like much of a threat.”

Pipsqueak glanced back over his shoulder and grinned, showing his fangs. “Nah, I just wanted you to be here to see this.” He reared up on his hind legs, leapt into the air, and spun around like a ballerina, the blades attached to his wings slipping under the cowering diamond dogs’ chins to slit both their throats simultaneously. Blood splattered across the wall, then started to run down and stain their gruesome aprons, while they clutched at their necks and collapsed, trying to scream without breath. Pipsqueak landed with his back to the twitching corpses, and bowed.

I stomped the ground appreciatively, since it was a fairly graceful performance, and I was in a good mood. DeeTee joined in, politely.

Bon Bon just stood there, and grunted, then asked (once the applause had died down), “What are we going to do about the puppies?”

“I don’t know, I’m getting kind of tired. I didn’t have anything special planned for them,” Pipsqueak said, turning back to the whining pile of miserable dog fur. “I figure we just kill them however. There’s, what, three for each of us?”

“Do you really think Luna wants us to kill puppies?” I asked. Cutie Breaker answered, in a chorus of gibbering wails. I smacked it against the table. “No. Bad. I don’t care what you think.”

“She said to leave nothing but corpses…” Diamond Tiara said, nose wrinkling as she stared at the puppies.

“Yeah, technically, but does it really make sense to stand on a technicality when we’re discussing something like killing innocent puppies? She probably didn’t even think about the possibility – I know I didn’t. I thought this was a raiding party, not an actual attempt at colonization.”

“If they were planning to move in, that makes it worse,” Bon Bon said.

“It’s three to one,” Pipsqueak said. “They die.”

I hate democracy.

“Wait!” DeeTee said, as Pipsqueak grabbed the first of the cowering children by the ears and dragged a wingblade across her throat. He ignored her, and grabbed the next. “I said wait!” she repeated, following it up with a whack on the nose from her sword.

Pipsqueak hissed as lightning crackled over his face, and dropped the dog.

“We never held a stupid vote,” she said, smacking him again. “And stop putting words in my mouth! I don’t want your stupid second hand words.” She smacked him again, this time on the rear as he turned away from her, wings held up to cover his face. “They’re probably all covered in –“

He bucked her in the face, knocking her back into the wall.

“This is a test!” he said, turning back to face us, as Diamond picked herself up, face contorted in rage. “She did know they were here. She told us to kill everything. This is a test of our loyalty, and I’m not going to fail!” He slashed with his wings, slicing deep wounds in three more puppies, who started whining and trying to burrow into the walls.

“Wait a second,” I said, as Pipsqueak laid into the screaming puppies, splattering blood all over the walls and ceiling. “Are you only killing them because it’s a test? Because if it’s meant to be a test of character, you’re cheating by using meta-knowledge to decide what character to present. Even if you know it’s a test, you should treat it as if – are you even listening?” He didn’t seem to be – the last surviving puppy had managed to bite him at the base of his wing, where he couldn’t quite reach with either wing blade or his teeth, so he was flailing around and trying to slam into the blood-soaked wall, but the bodies and offal at his feet kept tripping him up.

“What?” he said, turning to look at me, while the puppy clawed hopelessly at his armor.

I pointed my spear at him. “Why are you killing them?”

He glanced down at the spear, then lunged at me, impaling his passenger. I tried to pull the spear out of the way, since I didn’t want any part of slaughtering innocents, but I was a lot slower than the guards we’d seen at the gate, and all I managed to do was somehow drive it deeper while pulling the dying puppy off his wing, so it looked like I was helping him.

“Because it’s what Luna wants,” he said, as the twitching corpse slowly slid down the length of the spear, the tip emerging from its mouth.

“That’s a horrible reason!” I said, shaking the dead puppy at him. “You should kill because it’s the right thing to do, or because they’re attacking you, or because, I don’t know. Because you enjoy it?”

“No,” Bon Bon said.

“Right, thanks, that’s a bad reason too. But blind obedience –“

“We’re her soldiers,” Pipsqueak said. “Blind obedience is exactly what she wants.”

“Ugh,” I said, lowering the spear and scraping the dead body off with a hoof. Or trying to. It was like all his muscles had tensed up at the moment of death or something, and wedged the bones against the spear so that it wouldn’t come out without breaking something. It was a lot more convenient stabbing my friends, since they crumbled to ash almost instantly. “I guess it’s a moot point now.”

“Unless there’s others hiding,” Diamond Tiara pointed out, looking around the kitchen. There weren’t any stoves or cupboards, but there were sacks and barrels that somepuppy could be hiding in. “We should probably kill all the witnesses, just in case.”

“You can stay here and murder anypony you want,” Bon Bon said. “We’re going home.” She grabbed my wing, and I let her drag me out of the cave. The others were right behind us – even Pipsqueak had apparently had his fill of murder. Besides, our orders were for the Royal Guard to find nothing but bodies, and if the dogs were hiding from us they’d probably be able to stay hidden from the Guards, since we had better vision and hearing.

I pondered what Pip would have done if we’d found any pony prisoners – the same logic that had him killing the puppies would have condemned them, as well. I was sure we’d have done something other than yell at him to stop if he’d started attacking ponies, though.

Well, almost sure. Maybe 70% sure.