Everypony was feeling festive in Equestria, not least because Hearths Warming had just gone by, as had the wedding anniversary of Shining Armour and Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, and also a peace period for the last two months since the Holy Grail had been successfully retrieved.
There was one notable and remarkable exception: an indigenous Bolivian man who had served in the welfare of Equestria’s Corporate Security for 20 years. Don Alberto García, 53 years young, was feeling appalled by a recent news report he’d just read in the Canterlot Times issue, and so all the festivities were nothing to him.
“Al, you coming for a ride on me this fine evening?” said Braeburn, as he entered Alberto’s room in Castle Canterlot. “It’s cool and breezy outside tonight, perfect weather for a sleigh ride with me pulling you."
“Look at this and tell me what you think,” murmured Alberto, showing Braeburn the newspaper article.
Braeburn gasped when he read it; for it was an article about an interpol crackdown on LGBT online networks in the UK! SEVERAL BRITONS ROUNDED UP BY INTERPOL FOR WATCHING AND PROMOTING GAY PORN ONLINE, screamed the headlines.
“Bipeds will be bipeds,” he murmured. “It’s a good thing you came here to Equestria, where gay rights are fully respected. I mean, I’m a coltcuddler myself, my partner is Soarin, and I should certainly know better. What makes it worse is that we don’t know exactly which assholes went and gave this game away by lodging the fatal report, though we know the article does state that the complainants are concerned mothers!"
“Parenting was never what it should have been,” sighed Alberto. “It’s getting from bad to worse, with all the Minions increasing worldwide on Earth.”
“Yes, and speaking of that, there are more and more Minions in England; apparently the British government is giving them rights to live and work in the UK!” pointed out Braeburn. “If they ever make it to Equestria via our portal in Tintagel… we’re done for!”
“We’ll talk more about this after dinner,” said Alberto; “the MInions are indeed very concerning to our existence, but not to worry, our security force has installed a Minion-repelling barricade on the portal, so we should have no trouble for now. Andiamo, let’s go have dinner.”
Big McIntosh, Braeburn, Rainbow Dash, Dumbbell, Derpy, and Alberto shared a dinner table together that evening at Castle Canterlot’s banquet hall. Alberto was unable to concentrate on his food throughout the dinner, as he was feeling unusually sleepy.
“Word has it that the water supply has been cut off in Outer Equestria,” said Dumbbell, “and Dash and I have gone to investigate the case. The results were fantastic, I tell you the truth: it’s a case of theft. We’ve taken the statements of the residents of the village of Astolat; most of them agree that the thief was a human who had infiltrated their ranks. Last night he had miraculously found and stolen the Water Chip, the magical water generator that we placed underground behind the Hardware Store, where we thought nopony would be able to find it. The thief’s intention, it seems, was to bring it to an unspecified ‘group of citizens who need it more’.”
"The residents of Astolat and their local security force had tried in vain to capture the thief,” added Rainbow Dash. “I have the footage of what exactly happened, it was captured by their security camera and later emailed to me by Mayor Leandro. It’s presently here on my mobile. We have since used the backup plan by desalinating the Macintosh River water for the residents, but all the same, we need to get back that Water Chip, it has certain miraculous powers.” She showed the others the video file of the thief running away, as was emailed to her by Don Simone Leandro, the human mayor of Astolat in Outer Equestria:
[videoplayback]
“OI! YOU OVER THERE! What do you think you’re DOING?!!” yelled Leandro.
The thief was running from the Hardware Store, where the Water Chip had been kept, to the broken bridge. He was caped in a dark brown hood, and it was very dark at night, his face could not be seen clearly. “Bringing this fucking chip to a group of citizens who need it more, that’s what I’m doing!” he yelled in a distinctive Argentinian accent, pointing a gun at Leandro. “Now get dem fuckin’ hands and hooves in the air before I turn your furry friends into horsemeat!”
Leandro and his people behind him — Farmer Joe Grey of Illinois and retired General Carlos Navarro of Bolivia, the only other human inhabitants of Outer Equestria — as well as Snips and Snails, both of whom presently resided in Astolat, raised their hands and hooves respectively. A raft sailed under the broken bridge, and the thief jumped onto it and sailed away into oblivion.
[/videoplayback]
“That footage was from the security camera just outside the Town Hall of Astolat,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Now what could they want with our Water Chip?” wondered Big McIntosh.
“Er, cuz, I think Al’s fallen asleep,” whispered Braeburn, indicating towards Alberto who had apparently dozed off.
Suddenly, Alberto shouted out loudly in front of everypony. “JACKSON!!!” he cried, startling them all.
“Wanker! You don’t have to sneeze like that, do you?!” cried Big McIntosh, aghast at what Alberto had just done.
“Me? I … didn’t sneeze!” cried Alberto.
“Then how do you explain what you just did?” snapped Dumbbell. “We’re discussing urgent matters here and you just broke our concentration! Who or what is this Jackson anyways?"
“I…. must have dozed off,” gasped Alberto; “I just had a horrible nightmare! I dreamt I was in this place, this barren wilderness, and there in front of me were a group of hostile-looking Minions, and behind them was my British friend, Jonathan Jackson, who was calling out, ‘Help me, Alberto!’ And I tried to reach out for him, and then … I woke up.”
“I think you’re quite stressed out, Alberto,” said Derpy. “Better for you to go and rest for the night.”
“I’ll see him to his room,” said Shining Armour. Alberto draped himself prostrate across Shining Armour’s back, and Shining Armour took him upstairs to his room and laid him on his bed. “Do have a good rest,” said Shining Armour.
“Gracias,” said Alberto. “Buenas noches.”
The following morning Alberto woke up to his usual breakfast in bed, the usual scrambled eggs and boneless lamb chops with toast, the traditional Bolivian Aymara breakfast. Just then, Big McIntosh and Braeburn came in together.
“Feeling better, ‘Berto?” asked Braeburn, using the name that the ponies affectionately called their defense knight. “No more dreams?"
“A lot better,” said Alberto, “and no, no more dreams. Breakfast has never tasted more gostoso.”
“There’s a letter for you, it seems,” said Big McIntosh, handing Alberto an envelope. Alberto took out the letter from the envelope and looked hard at it. “JACKSON!!” he cried again.
Big McIntosh was not amused. “Honestly! Wanker! You can’t pretend again this time that you’ve had another dream!”
“No, I’m not dreaming!” said Alberto, showing the letter to Big McIntosh and Braeburn. “Guardate bene — this really is a letter from Jackson!”
Big McIntosh was getting quite fed up of this “Jackson” by now. “And just who is this Jackson of yours? Describe him to me!”
Alberto took a deep breath. “Jonathan Llewyn ‘J.L.’ Jackson is my fellow LGBT, and he was my junior in grade school back home in Bolivia. He was the son of two British missionaries, both of whom were of the British nobility and who had come to help relieve some disaster back home that time. Jackson was born in Bolivia and was two years my junior during our schooldays. He later went back to England with his parents after completing Grade 6, and he did so well that he got into Fyling Hall School, a top boys’ school in his parents’ hometown of North Yorkshire. He and I have not spoken since. He later became a teacher and a photographer. And now he’s already 51, and I’m actually quite touched that he still remembers me!”
“Mac, I think Al has a point,” said Braeburn, looking at the letter. “Let’s read the letter and see.”
“That’s exactly what I have in mind!” said Big McIntosh. He and Braeburn read the letter:
North Yorkshire, United Kingdom / December 18th, 2038 / thunderstorm
Greetings Alberto,
Can’t believe more than four decades have flown by since we last spoke. How have you been, amigo mio?
I hear from acquaintances that you’ve become a brony and also one of the top people in the MLP fandom. Well, the good news is, I’m also a brony! As an LGBT, being a brony has always been the best thing for me; I now have a collection of plastic Funko Vinyls on my desk in the Teachers’ Room. I’ve always wanted to meet the ponies in person myself, but due to my heavy schedule — I’ve been a senior biology teacher in my alma mater, Fyling Hall School, for more than 25 years now — I haven’t had any more time for the fandom than to go to the nearest Wal-Mart and collect the plastic pony figurines from Funko which are already available on the shelf.
There’s good news: This week is the winter holiday for our school, and so before school closed, I thought I’d make arrangements to come and see you. I heard you relocated to Equestria — perfect! I understand that Equestria has a portal through to Earth somewhere, just not sure where its end on Earth is, I might have to do a bit of travelling…. but if you happen to know where the Earthly end of the Earth-Equestria portal is, please write me back and let me know.
I’ll be looking forward to seeing you soon! We could take photos at the beaches in Equestria in swimming attire and looking really sexy! P.S. I’ve enclosed the latest photo of myself. Yes, I know I look kinda fat now :P
Sincerely yours,
Viscount Jonathan Llewyn Jackson, OBE
“If you ask me, this could not have been more legit,” said Braeburn. “Look, this Jackson guy even bothered to enclose a picture of himself. Why do you still remain suspicious, Mac?”
“You don’t know if a book is good or bad until you finish reading it,” said Big McIntosh; “and as far as I’m concerned, this is just the beginning. How do you not know that….”
“Basta!” Alberto broke in. “The important thing is that, Jackson says he’s coming to see us! EUREKA! All I need to do is write to him and tell him where the Earthly end of our portal is — it’s in Tintagel, isn’t it?”
“I suppose so,” said Big McIntosh.
“WAIT!” Alberto suddenly had a nasty thought. “Let me read the letter again! Isn’t Jackson living in the UK now? And was not the Interpol’s recent crackdown against us LGBT’s, starting off in the UK? I’d better go get the newspapers!” He ran to get the newspapers of the previous day to verify. There were more articles on the Interpol-versus-LGBT-in-the-UK case than he expected, but there was one article that confirmed his worst suspicions:
ENGLISH BIOLOGY TEACHER CAUGHT WITH LGBT PORN IN SCHOOL
A veteran biology teacher from a top local boy’s school, hailed for many years as having produced among the best students in his subject to the point of having been awarded the OBE by Emeritus Prime Minister Tony Blair five years ago for his services to national education, has become among the many LGBT’s rounded up by the Interpol last week and are awaiting death row at present.
Mr Jonathan Llewyn Jackson, 51, was alone in the Teachers’ Room of Fyling Hall School, rushing some paper marking. According to his police statement, Jackson, who is also a photography enthusiast in his spare time, said that he “felt bored” and “wanted to rest” his eyes, so he turned on the computer on his desk to "do a quick Adobe Photoshop colour correction” of some of the photographs and videos he had taken at the beach of some of his male students, all of whom ranged between 15 and 17 years of age and had given explicit consent to Jackson photographing them shirtless.
Jackson said he had not shown these photos and videos to anyone, let alone uploaded them anywhere, and had no intention of doing so. While Jackson’s students in the photos were indeed all shirtless, there was no total nudity; even the barest of the bare also had swimming trunks on.
He was indeed alone in the Teachers’ Room that night and no-one had seen him doing what he did. However, had it not been for the fact that a female colleague of his — who will not be named — who sat two desks away from him in the same room, happened to have forgotten to bring home her toy Furby which was recharging via the same power plug as Jackson’s computer, Jackson would not have been found out.
The female teacher in question arrived at school the following morning and discovered that her Furby was saying somewhere along the lines of “police, call police, gay in room”. She connected her Furby to her computer immediately in a desperate attempt to turn it off, upon which she discovered that the Furby had collected the photographs from Jackson’s computer via its infrared detector between its eyes. Mortified, not least because one of the models was her son who is studying in Fyling Hall School, the teacher immediately called the police. Upon arrrival, police conducted investigations via the Furby, and confirmed that the photographs were traced to Jackson’s computer.
Jackson was arrested at his home later that morning, shortly before he was scheduled to report to work in the afternoon to relieve another teacher. He is presently in the custody of Scotland Yard and the Interpol, and his computer and all four of his Digital SLR cameras have since been seized.
A leader of the Minion Community in England (MCE), who only wanted to be known as Stuart, approached the Interpol yesterday to request that Jackson be given to the MCE to deal with justly, producing evidence that Jackson had angered the MCE with his “racist" remarks and that the Minion government in Peking and Minions around the world “want revenge” on Jackson.
The MCE’s request is still being debated as of press time, and Jackson remains in custody of Scotland Yard. -REUTERS
Alberto was mortified when he read those very words. “Jackson!” he cried. “Mi amigo Jackson! Arrested! On death row! Now we’ll never see him again!”
“I really wish there was something we could do, Al,” said Braeburn; “but this is beyond our control as it concerns the Earthly authorities, not us. If he’s going to die, I guess we’ve just gotta live and let live. Just remember that you once had this great friend in your schooldays.”
Alberto remained silent for a moment, then suddenly he looked up. “No! It isn’t true!” he cried. “I know: JACKSON IS NOT GOING TO DIE!"
“What do you mean, not going to die?” wondered Big McIntosh.
“Remember the dream I had yesterday?” countered Alberto. “I saw Jackson, alive — calling for help, but alive!”
“But that was just a dream you had; it wasn’t real!” Big McIntosh tried to reason with Alberto.
“It may have been a dream, but something in my spirit is telling me that we have to make sure we save Jackson before he actually dies!” said Alberto. “No way Jose; I’m gonna get my stuff and depart through the portal for the UK right now!"
“I don’t understand you sometimes, Al!” cried Braeburn. “You want to save someone who is irrevocably going to die?"
“Jackson is not going to die,” said Alberto, as he grabbed his luggages and marched out of the castle.
“Fine! Fine! We’ll come with you!” murmured Big McIntosh. “Come, Brae, let’s follow this stubborn mule!”
“OK!” said Braeburn. “I’ve seen worse cases anyways! This is nothing to us!"
Alberto ignored their sarcastic remarks and just went on his way, headed for Outer Equestria where the portal was located. The weather in Equestria by this time had taken a turn for the worse; there was a heavy downpour outside and much thunder and lightning.
Shining Armour, Dumbbell, Soarin, Strongheart, and Thunderlane were at the Hardware Store in Outer Equestria at the time; they were investigating into the missing water chip, which had been stored behind the Hardware Store. Rainbow Dash and Derpy came in just then.
“Any news?” asked Derpy.
“The DNA behind the Hardware Store unfortunately does not match that of any recognised bipedal resident of Equestria at all,” said Shining Armour, “so we’re looking in the direction that the thief is most probably an outsider who hacked his way in here from Earth via the portal.”
“But… the portal’s security??” wondered Thunderlane.
“Guessing he must've most likely compromised it with some form of skeleton key given him by the police,” said Dumbbell. “The only group of bipeds who would always be going out of their ways to find means to bypass anypony’s security, even that of our beautiful principality, are the law enforcement officials of many Earthen countries.”
“Either way,” said Rainbow Dash, “I brought the thief's DNA for testing by Princess Celestia yesterday. She has officially done the test overnight and identified the DNA to be that of Don Giacomo Cassozza OLS, a 41-year-old professional hacker from Rio de la Plata in Argentina, who has been working for Interpol for many years and was awarded the Order of Socialist Labour by the Argentinian government last year for his services to the Minions worldwide. The OLS order, it seems, came with the authority to hack anywhere for which Interpol issues a warrant to search. I just hope I’m wrong, but I have a feeling that Equestria might be under scrutiny from Interpol, thanks to Cassozza.”
“Let me add something there,” said Derpy. “Cassozza is a radically outspoken Peronista with a firm belief in Socialist unity and the sole aim of setting up a universal Socialist state, which would essentially deprive everypony of their freedom. One of the more recent radical movements he was involved in, according to overnight research done by both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, was the recent rounding-up and arrest of numerous LGBT networks in the UK, of whom one of the unfortunate and most innocent victims was Alberto’s friend, Jonathan Jackson."
“So you mean to say that what happened to Alberto last night….” began Strongheart.
“Look!” suddenly cried Soarin. “Over there! Speak of the devil!”
The others turned and looked where Soarin was pointing with his left forehoof. Alberto García was walking in the direction of the portal, with Big McIntosh and Braeburn grudgingly plodding behind him.
“Mac! Brae! Alberto!” called Derpy. “Stop there for a minute please!”
Alberto turned around, offended. “Que pasa?” he snapped.
“We have news from Princess Celestia’s office,” said Derpy. “Investigations have proven that the theft of the water chip last night is pretty possibly linked to your friend Jackson’s case, as the person behind both cases was identified as one and the same person — an Argentinian socialist named Giacomo Cassozza. Putting two and two together, we could rescue Jackson AND get back our Water Chip simultaneously."
“And hence,” said Thunderlane, “in accordance with a decree from Princess Celestia, we’re all going to be joining you on your quest to find Jackson!”
The other ponies nodded in approval. Big McIntosh and Braeburn knew that this was a decree from Princess Celestia, and so there was no way they could say no. Alberto was touched by the ponies’ consent, nevertheless, he was also concerned about this mission, for it was going to be their most arduous mission to date — as it involved having to go against Earthly authority to a large extent.
But before anyone could say anything more, suddenly a rumbling sound was heard in the distance. Amidst the rainfall and lightning, it seemed like the thunder was getting increasingly apparent. A clap of thunder sounded; Alberto actually covered his ears as he and the ponies ducked under the shelter outside the Hardware Store.
“Even our weather factory up in Cloudsdale couldn’t do anything about this,” murmured Rainbow Dash. “The weather is worse than I thought!"
“It’s a twister!” suddenly shouted Soarin. “Everypony get into the fucking Hardware Store!”
“The door is locked!” cried Alberto, trying in vain to turn the doorknob.
“Then break down the motherfuckin’ door!” yelled Big McIntosh. He gave the door a kick with his forehoof and it broke in. All eight ponies, the bison, and the human tumbled quickly into the Hardware Store, hoping to be safe from the tornado that was oncoming.
The tornado picked up the entire Hardware Store and carried it into the air. The ponies had no time to think or do anything but to brace down and save their own lives before anything else. This was just about the worst time for this tornado to come — just when everypony was halfway about to begin a major mission which concerned the corporate security of all Equestria!! Suddenly, a chair tumbled on Alberto’s head, knocking him out….
After what seemed like an eternity, the raging sounds of the tornado outside finally ceased, and a slightly weird but fresher smell could be scented in the air. By this time, everypony had been knocked out by the sheer impact of the effects of the tornado.
Alberto woke up to the smell of Big McIntosh nuzzling him awake. He discovered that the other ponies had come to before him. “Where am I?” he wondered. “What’s happened? The tornado….”
“It’s apparently stopped,” said Big McIntosh. “We all awoke before you, and this is what we discovered. Have a look.”
Alberto slowly stood to his feet and looked around him. The sight he beheld before him was just amazing: other than the already internally-damaged Hardware Store, outside its windows was nothing more than a dark cavern. It was definitely a cavern, as rock walls could be seen on all edges outside.
“Amigos,” said Alberto, as he opened the door, “I have a feeling…. we’re not in Equestria anymore.”
“How are we going to find Jackson like this?” asked Braeburn, out of curiosity.
For a moment nopony replied. Then Alberto spoke. “From what I see,” he said, “I don’t know where exactly we are, but what I do know is that this cave definitely has an end to it. We have to get out of this cave, and then find out the whereabouts of Giacomo Cassozza, then we can rescue Jackson AND the Water Chip. It doesn’t matter how much we have to sacrifice, it will be worth it.” Then, as he gazed into the darkness, he began to sing:
My old friend, my old friend,
Where have you gone, my old friend?
Have you gone into the forest,
Taken by a beetle-gnome?
Have you gone to fetch the water,
In the stillness of the gloam?
In the gloam, in the gloam,
Have you gone to fetch the water,
In the stillness of the gloam?
Then Big McIntosh sang:
We will find you come what matter,
We will save you come what may.
We will go to fetch the water,
And destroy the enemy's way!
Then we will take you safe and soundly,
On our backs no more to stray.
We will go to fetch the water,
And bring back the light of day!
Then Alberto sang again:
Ain't no-one who can stop us this time,
Not a soul can interfere!
We will go to fetch the water,
And make all things crystal-clear!
Security's our biggest duty,
Justice is our greatest strive!
We will go to fetch the water,
Till the day there is new life!
Till there's life, till there's life,
We will go to fetch the water,
Till the day there is new life!
“Come on,” said Shining Armour, “we’ve got to get out of here, now that we know that the cases of Jackson and our Water Chip are connected. Let’s get out of here.”
Eventually, after carefully passing through the caverns and staying out of the way of a few disease-bearing rodents, the party eventually made it to the light of day again — and right before them was a vast wilderness, a desolate land with very few landmarks, if at all. Growling of Grunts could be heard, as could the even more faint bellowing of Brutes.
“Oh no, don’t tell me there are monsters again!” gasped Braeburn, scared.
